Monday, January 21, 2008

New Beginning 435

Late at night, when darkness creeps into an office and gives everything a quietude that sound alone cannot explain, an editor patiently reads through the dross to find the gems his career is edited to.

"Good evening, Evil. I can call you Evil, can't I?"

"What th' ... who the devil are you and how did you get in here?"

"Nevermind the who or how, when the what is so fascinating, Evil. I sent you an idea for a book, a truly unique plot, and you saw fit to reject it and then took on a book with a suspiciously similar plot..."

"Plots are a dime a dozen, there's really only a few of them, it's how you dress it up that's important."

"You stole my plot, now you must pay."

With that he took out a razor and grabbed the Editor's hair.

"Bit of a quick shave, Gov'nor?"

"That's Sweeney Todd you ..."

But Evil Editor didn't finish his sentence. There was no defence against the expert stroke, the gush of blood, or the plop of some tattered papers on his desk.

The anonymous killer stood admiring his work, and, looking for a little curtain closing flair, licked his enemy's blood off the razor. "Ow! Sssithh! Thab thuckin hurb."

At once, Evil Editor's body convulsed. Thick wiry hair sprouted from his face, neck, and arms; a pair of needle sharp fangs appeared from behind his upper lip; and the small office was suddenly filled with a horrible stench. EE opened his eyes and stood, his arms stretched out in front of him.

Anonymous screamed.

"What?" said Evil Editor shrugging.

"Y-y-y-you're a-a-a-a-a-"

"A werezompire." Anonymous backed against the office door as EE lurched forward. "What, you think a mere mortal could put up with all the crap I get from bozos like you?"


"Sure, now you get the dialogue right." Anonymous reached for the door knob behind him, but it came off in his hand. "See? That's why you never commit gratuitous violence based on the plot of a musical. It's the wrong genre. Now, c'mere. Let me see your neck."

Opening: D Jason Cooper.....Continuation: blogless_troll


Evil Editor said...

Unchosen Continuations:

"Fuckwit," Evil said. He wiped the blood off his Parker 51 and dragged the body to the closet with the others. "If he'd read a little wider... Everyone knows the pen is mightier than the Wilkinson Sword."


The murderer gasped at the profuse gushing of blood. He looked at his bloody hands and laughed demonically. "Ha aha! Ha ha ha aha! Evil Editor is dead. Long live the Evil Church Lady! Novel Deviations 3, the blog, the girls (the boys?)! All mine!"

The Evil Church Lady had to rest her hands on Evil's magnificent desk (which had no built-in treasure maps, unfortunately for this story), to catch her breath. Then, she felt wet hands pulling at her ankles and she went down hard to the wooden floor, slipping on the blood she had let (um, irony here, EE, extra points).

Evil Church Lady found herself flat on her back (again) with Evil Editor's hands around her neck, squeezing the life out of her.

"You should have checked the blog again before you attacked me, Church Lady. I edited the fool thing. I changed it from, "Evil Editor is dead" to "Evil Editor is dead, but he got better."


Evil dragged himself to his computer and changed the blog back to, "Evil Editor is Dead," to cover his tracks. (But he FORGOT to take out "to cover his tracks." He's screwed. A forensic blogologist will have Evil's ass in a sling in no time.)

--Bill H.

Evil Editor said...

This sounds like a writing exercise. You were hoping for a reprise of 2006's "Evil Editor's New Year's Eve Visitor," and when it didn't come you submitted anyway, right?

No, wait, you saw Sweeney Todd and it gave you ideas about what you'd like to see happen to Evil Editor.

It does sound pretty good, whatever it is, though if you're actually writing this story you might want to change the character's name. Evil Editor isn't nearly as famous as he thinks he is.

PJD said...

Evil Editor bleeds?

I find that hard to believe.

Precie said...


But where are the weredingoes? What's a werezombie without his faithful weredingo companions?

Anonymous said...


Robin S. said...

Wow, guys. What a team. So, you're collaborating now, huh? Should we expect to be hearing about a hot a new screenplay soon?

The other continuations were good as well. Love what you did with CL, Bill!

Anonymous said...

LOL! Great scene.

Bernita said...

"Evil Editor bleeds? "
Absolutely, best comment.

Anonymous said...

These were great (including conts) and I definitely spewed the coca-cola at "werezompire"

I've had my suspicions about that Church Lady! It's always the zealots.

Perhaps "The Evil Editor" would be more universal?

Chris Eldin said...

Ahhhhh!!! I'm in! I'm in!!!

I've been stuck in blogger hell where I couldn't get past EE Saturday. It was like Groundhog Day, only much much worse.

My eyeballs will be feasting these pages while they're here. Alive.

Blogless--LOL!!!! Funny Dude.
Werezompire! LOVE it!!!

The opening is a scream! (sorry I'm addicted to the exclamation marks. My real writing is more subdued!) :-)

Bill Highsmith--ROTFLMAO! Good one! (did I mention I'm excited to be here?)