Face-Lift 1471

Guess the Plot

The Cineres Incident

1. When his New Latin website garners a DDOS handle, Vox goes out and buys whiskey, tinfoil, and a sheet and becomes Tinhat Toga-man, saver of lost kittens, capturer of escaped balloons, and garnerer of 100K views on a viral video of his antics.

2. High school senior and international superspy Lydia Summers must stop the evil Dr. Cineres from incinerating the planet with his giant space laser, or she'll never get asked to prom by her crush.

3. A revolutionary organization kidnaps a high school class and feeds them food containing the magic-giving cineres plant. Their plan: convince the kids to use their new magical abilities to help them change the world. But for good or evil?

4. When the cruise ship Cineres is lost at sea, carrying 9,000 passengers, conspiracy theorists blame pirates or some mystical portal like the Bermuda Triangle. When it eventually drifts ashore on the coast of Chile, everyone is relieved . . . until they discover it's empty.

5. Starship captain Jannic Dinic crash lands his scout pod on the planet Cineres, where all the planets in the galaxy exile their most dangerous criminals. Now Dinic must convince hundreds of thousands of serial killers to accept him as their leader before they accept him as their dinner.

Original Version

I am seeking representation for 99,000 word THE CINERES INCIDENT, a standalone YA contemporary fantasy with series potential. It provides a more youthful spin on The Project by Courtney Summers and will appeal to readers of All of us Villains by Amanda Foody and Christine Lynn Herman in the arcs of morally conflicted characters. [It's usually best to put this stuff at the end of the query. Also, on the off chance the person reading your query hasn't read The Project, you might mention something specific about that book that  is getting a more youthful spin. Some theme or plot point, for instance. Not sure I like "the arcs" as the appealing aspect of the second comp title. "Its empathetic treatment" (if accurate) sounds better.]

Fifteen-year-old Eloise May will stop at nothing to escape the revolutionary organization Disconformity. She may have chosen to go with them, but that doesn’t mean she agrees with their plans to change the world, forcing those able worldwide to gain magical abilities. [Why do people need to be forced to gain magical abilities? Nobody doesn't want magical abilities.] She went only in order to save a friend, as the other one  [a member] of her kidnapped class whose abilities hadn’t yet developed. Disconformity didn’t require allegiance but rather that she [Eloise] be willing to go, and she is willing – willing, that is, to get everyone home. [Apparently everyone in Eloise's class was  kidnapped, except Eloise, who announced to the kidnappers that she would willingly go along for the ride, but that she was not officially kidnapped. And they agreed to this.]

Along with her group of other kidnapped kids, she tries again and again to escape Cherith, their group's leader, and again and again they’re stopped. [Apparently the kidnappers have now decided that Eloise was officially kidnapped.] In the middle of their closest escape yet, Ellie comes to realize that leaving isn’t possible. She has to join them as they want, stay forever, or bring down Disconformity itself -that, or be hunted for the rest of her life. [That's four choices. More than most characters get in these books.

Choice 1. Join Disconformity, the ones who kidnapped her class. The bad guys.]

Choice 2. Stay forever. As Disconformity's hostage? She'd be a burden eventually, they'd have to kill her.

Choice 3. Bring down Disconformity. I vote for this one, assuming she has a viable plan.

Choice 4. Be hunted for the rest of her life. [I find it hard to believe an organization with plans to change the world would drop everything to hunt down a 15-year-old girl for the rest of her life. Although, as she's determined that leaving is impossible, I don't see why they would need to hunt her at all. They already have her.] She decides that, if her suspicions are correct and others in Disconformity are planning a revolt, they are the only way to truly free everyone. However, Ellie knows that her group may not believe in such an uncertain hope or have the patience to wait, so she chooses to go against the plan she formed, betraying everyone. 

Choice 5. Betray everyone and do nothing, hoping some members of Disconformity revolt and take her with them.] She must give up on the loyalty she once believed defined her if she hopes to make it out of Disconformity. [Is that Choice 6?]

__________

[The Cineres Plant is the magic-giving plant Disconformity uses to cause so much drama.] [If it's the plant that gives the magical abilities, and Disconformity provides the plant, then none of the students' abilities had developed when they were kidnapped. Yet you claim Eloise and her friend are the only ones whose abilities haven't developed. Unless . . . was she attending a school for kids with genetic proclivity for magical ability?]

Notes

I'm guessing everyone else in the class went willingly, presumably because the idea of acquiring magical powers appealed to them? Which suggests that the students were duped rather than kidnapped. The duping part being that Disconformity told them they were gaining powers for the good of the planet, but it was actually for the good of Disconformity. If I'm wrong, change the book to make me right.

I must admit your heroine's decision to betray everyone, go against her plan, and give up on the loyalty that once defined her, wasn't my guess as the choice she would ultimately make. Kudos for not being predictable. Of course, if she eventually saves the day and brings down Disconformity, you may want to hint that this is a possibility so she doesn't come across as a selfish quitter who abandons her friends.

I don't find this query clear at all. How does Disconformity want to change the world? Are they the only ones who have cineres plants? How do they choose the people they recruit? What do they want people with magical abilities to use them for? Is Eloise the only person trying to stop them? Is there hope for us now that Eloise has betrayed us? What would it take to bring down Disconformity? What will happen if no one brings them down? 

Start like this:

When three buses pull up outside Eloise May's school during recess, and a loudspeaker announces that anyone who wants to can ditch school, board the buses, and go to a special place where they'll develop magical abilities, the buses immediately fill to capacity. The students are whisked to a remote, walled-in encampment run by evil overlords calling themselves Disconformity. This organization plans to use their captives' magical abilities to rule the world. 

Realizing they've been duped, the students attempt to escape, led by Eloise. But the moat surrounding the encampment is filled with sharks and crocodiles, and escape proves impossible.

You can take it from there.

Face-Lift 1470

Guess the Plot

Keys to the Van

1. Indie musician Danny inherits a van from his uncle--just what his band needs for their upcoming tour. Good-natured shenanigans and life lessons ensue as Danny drives his uncle's old ride cross-country.

2. In an attempt to understand why he treats women so badly, an artist drives his VW van from the California coast to the dying industrial towns of the midwest. 

3. Aspiring serial killer Jack Lovett has planned his first murder for months. He's got his weapons, his shackles, and his dungeon. Now if only he could find the keys to his van.

4. Harry has a job offer in LA, but he's in Georgia, with no transportation and no money. So he gets a job with a moving company, and takes a gig driving a moving van to LA. Turns out the moving company job pays a lot more than the job he went there for, but how's he gonna get back to Georgia? 

5. After carjacking a minivan, Rudy stops at a burger joint, but when he returns to the vehicle he realizes it's got one of those push button starters that only works if you have the key with you. Wait, what's this Apple air tag thing on the dashboard? Hey, why are the cops blocking him in? Damn modern technology.

Original Version

The steering wheel spins uselessly on Interstate 5 as Nash splits from his San Diego beach house. [Hard to believe he got from his beach house onto Interstate 5 without a functioning steering wheel.] The twenty-seven-year-old artist grinds the VW down a cement retaining wall, then pawns stolen tools to fix the van [Luckily his van stopped within walking distance of a pawn shop. But he should probably use the stolen tools to fix the van, then pawn them to get gas money.] in his rush to escape the fallout from hurting his girlfriend. Unwilling to admit what he’s done, he alienates all his friends, loses his home, and turns to the only person he can trust–himself. [He's the last person I'd trust.] [Up till the retaining wall, the first 1.4 sentences feel like the first two minutes of your novel instead of the opening of a business letter. The rest of the paragraph feels like the next two months of your novel. 1. Leave beach house. 2. Fix van. 3. Alienate all my friends and lose my home.]

Nash, a resourceful charmer, searches for a new home in America’s underclass of 1991, running small-time scams in Venice Beach, stealing drug money from a San Francisco squat, and making beer runs into Pine Ridge Reservation. He forges new friendships he can’t sustain because he pushes responsibility onto everyone else then splits. He drinks to cover the bleakness of his desperation, echoed by the closed factories and hordes of unemployed he meets in the dying industrial towns of the Midwest. [This house on the California coast has got me down. I need a change of scenery--to some blighted, desolate, dying industrial towns.] [Reading the query is reminding me of the bleakness of my own desperation. If I read the whole book I'd probably be suicidal.] 

On his own, Nash possesses little hope of confronting his inner ghouls and seems destined to drift into addiction and ruin. Yet the hardened goodness of the people he meets offers slim hope by lovingly shoving insight into Nash’s blind heart. ["Offers slim hope" strikes me as negative. It's like saying "I have slim hope of selling my novel." Removing "slim" would fix this.]

I seek representation for Keys to the Van, a 94,000-word upmarket fiction novel about a young man’s journey to understand his treatment of women. [Change his name to J.D. Vance, and you've got a winner.] Set in the early 1990s, it’s a travel story similar in tone to David Carr’s The Night of the Gun and in substance to the flipside of Colleen Hoover’s It Ends with Us. [Not sure what the flip side of a novel is, but if it means the opposite, that's a weird way to comp your book. You're gambling that the reader has not only read It Ends With Us, but can do the mental gymnastics of figuring out what the reverse of that book is.] [By the way, Ms. Hoover wrote a sequel titled It Starts With Us. Maybe that's the flip side?]

The novel grew out of a half-year kicking around the country in a VW van and what I’ve learned through working with people on restorative justice processes with Symbiosis Revolution. [English, please.] As it is for our protagonist Nash, the long, painful path to understanding one’s rage and violence starts with denial, progresses in fits and starts, and requires input from slews of people. Many men never finish the journey, and perhaps Keys to the Van can provide hope and even a map for readers seeking to understand their behavior. [So, you were Nash, and now you're writing this book to help other Nashes. Unfortunately, Nashes don't read books. Admit it, there wasn't a single book in your San Diego beach house.]

Notes

Italicize all book titles.

I was surprised to find this is about a young man’s journey to understand his treatment of women. There's one brief mention of hurting his girlfriend.

There's no plot. In the query, not necessarily in the book. Though if the book is just a series of incidents connected by them happening to Nash, maybe it's a book problem too. 

Not that that can't be done with success, but if Nash's goal is to understand his treatment of women, I would like to see specifics on what he did to his girlfriend that he's unwilling to admit, and how he is changed by whatever changes him. The only hint that anything changes him is the vague comment that some people lovingly shove insight into his blind heart. 

Also, your main character needs to have some redeeming qualities if you want people to care about him enough to slog through the miserable parts of his life. Women aren't gonna want to read about a guy who mistreats women, unless they know he's gonna be punished in the end, by which I mean physically tortured and then murdered. And women read books.

Feedback Request

 The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1469 would like feedback on the following version of their query.

Dear [Agent],

Seventeen-year-old Victoria Tauber leads dual lives in dual worlds, sewn together with the thread of dreams.

Victoria “Vic” von Tauber has royal parents, a magic sword, and a loyal band of teenage monster-hunters. All that’s missing is her best friend Simon, who vanished two years ago. Still grieving his absence, Vic vows to bring him home after receiving a letter from the monstrous Beast of Shadows. Its offer is deceptively simple: prove her skill by hunting it to the ends of the fantastic Otherwise, and it will tell her how to find Simon.

Meanwhile, in suburban Chicago, Victoria "Tori" Tauber dreams of herself as fantasy heroine Vic, but struggles to talk to anyone at high school. Sick of being an anxious recluse, Tori pushes herself to befriend new girl Marcy at the start of junior year.

Though Vic stalks the Beast and Tori battles social anxiety, their paths become increasingly intertwined. Vic wonders at her dreams of suburbia as she grows closer to new hunter Marcia. Tori uncovers traces of her old friend Simon, who has vanished from memory in the waking world. Both grapple with the realization that they are lesbians, head over heels for Marcy/Marcia. And as the year goes by, both discover that the alternate versions of themselves they see in their dreams are all too real.

Two Victorias face two choices. Play it safe in the closet, or listen to Marcy’s careful hints and ask her out? And when Vic learns that the Simon she seeks is none other than Tori's old friend, kidnapped by the Beast of Shadows, the two must choose again. Dismiss their other selves as fantasy, or work together to send Simon home?

I am thrilled to present A WIN FOR VICTORIA, a 97,000 word standalone fantasy with series potential, for your consideration. It would be ideal for readers who enjoyed the haunting dreams of H. E. Edgmon’s Godly Heathens and the slow-building mystery of Ryan La Sala’s Reverie, as well as fans of the dual-world narrative of Omori.

I channeled the joy and enlightenment of realizing I was part of the LGBT community into the creation of this story. When not stealing every available moment to write, I can be found testing flight hardware at [College University] or giving dramatic readings of Beowulf at parties.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Notes

This is well done. It's at least 100 words longer than the generally accepted standard length of a query, so I've taken the liberty of cutting to about 300 words:

Seventeen-year-old Victoria Tauber leads dual lives in dual worlds, sewn together with the thread of dreams.

Victoria “Vic” von Tauber has royal parents, a magic sword, and a loyal band of teenage monster-hunters. All that’s missing is her best friend Simon, who vanished two years ago. Still grieving, Vic vows to bring Simon home after learning the monstrous Beast of Shadows kidnapped him.

Meanwhile, in suburban Chicago, Victoria "Tori" Tauber dreams of herself as fantasy heroine Vic, but struggles to make any friends in school. Sick of being an anxious recluse, Tori pushes herself to befriend new girl Marcy at the start of junior year.

Though Vic stalks the Beast and Tori battles social anxiety, their paths become intertwined. Vic wonders at her dreams of suburbia as she grows closer to new hunter Marcia. Tori uncovers traces of her old friend Simon, who has vanished from memory in the waking world. Both grapple with the realization that they are lesbians, head over heels for Marcy/Marcia. And both discover that the alternate versions of themselves they see in their dreams are all too real.

Two Victorias face two choices. Play it safe in the closet, or listen to Marcy’s hints and ask her out? And when Vic learns that the Simon she seeks is none other than Tori's old friend, the two must choose again. Dismiss their other selves as fantasy, or work together to bring Simon home?

I am thrilled to present A WIN FOR VICTORIA, a 97,000 word standalone fantasy with series potential, for your consideration. It would be ideal for readers who enjoyed the haunting dreams of H. E. Edgmon’s Godly Heathens and the slow-building mystery of Ryan La Sala’s Reverie.

I channeled the joy and enlightenment of realizing I was part of the LGBT community into the creation of this story.

Thank you for your consideration.

Now if you want to get it down closer to 250, you might find a way to leave Simon out of the query. In fact, as Simon is missing in both worlds, he's not exactly a main character. Maybe we should drop him from the book! Replace him with Marcy/Marcia, the new hunter who gets kidnapped, and the old friend who moves away. I wasn't a fan of the Simon "vanished from memory in the waking world" part, anyway. 

Of course that would be a radical change, and a lot of work, and would probably cut your word count, but at 97,000, you can afford to lose a lot of words. Just thinking out loud here, ignore me.

Face-Lift 1469

 

Guess the Plot

A Win for Victoria

1. Despite her name, Victoria has never won anything. Not even a luck of the draw item. But now she has practiced to finally win the county fair's pie eating contest. As long as there are no cream pies. She's lactose intolerant.

2. Victoria has tried out for every team in her school, even chess, after which she was forbidden to come within 30 feet of any of them. Fortunately, there's still archery where 30 feet isn't even the minimal distance.

3. Queen Victoria of Great Britain single-handedly smashes the Russian Army during the Crimean War, then marches on Moscow Prigozhin-style in this alternate history doorstopper.

4. Two lesbians, both named Victoria, fall in love, but not with each other. With Marcy. One of the Victorias is a sword-brandishing monster hunter. The other is a shy high school student. Which one will win the heart of Marcy?

5. Victoria enters the national spelling bee and makes it to the finals. But she's up against all these foreign-born ringers who've memorized the dictionary. You'll never guess who ends up winning, unless you looked at the book's title.

Original Version

Dear [Agent],

Seventeen-year-old Victoria von Tauber has it all: royal parents, a magic sword, and a loyal band of teenage monster-hunters. [Not sure the "it all" applies, as it's immediately contradicted in the next sentence.] All that’s missing is her best friend Simon, who vanished two years ago. Bitter from her failure to find him, she vows to bring him home after receiving a letter from a powerful monster. Its offer is deceptively simple: prove her skill by hunting it to the ends of the fantastic Otherwise, and it will reveal Simon’s fate. [I find it hard to imagine Godzilla sitting down at a writing desk and composing a letter.] [I'd want Godzilla to offer something better than I'll reveal Simon's fate; at least an assurance that his fate wasn't being eaten by Godzilla.] [This seems analogous to a situation where the police are investigating a child abduction, and they receive a letter saying I know where the kidnapper has the child, but if you want me to tell you, you'll have to find me first.] 

Meanwhile, seventeen-year-old Victoria "Tori" Tauber dreams of herself as a fantasy heroine, but struggles to talk to anyone at her suburban Chicago high school. Sick of being an anxious recluse, Tori pushes herself to befriend new girl Marcy at the start of junior year. [I know a lot of novelists have trouble coming up with names for all their characters, but if your two main characters have the same first and last name, you might want to try an online fantasy name generator.]

Though one battles monsters and the other social anxiety, Victoria and Tori's paths become increasingly intertwined. Victoria grows closer to new hunter Marcia, while Tori uncovers traces of her old friend Simon, who has vanished from memory in the waking world. Both grapple with the revelation [realization?] that they are lesbians, head over heels for Marcy/Marcia. [Are Marcy and Marcia aware of each other? Is there a Cy to go with Simon?] And as the year goes by, both discover that the alternate versions of themselves they see in their dreams are all too real. [Does Victoria dream of being an anxious recluse?]

Bending the barrier between their two worlds, Victoria and Tori must work together to solve the mystery of Simon’s disappearance and accept themselves as lesbians. Should they fail, both Simon and Marcy will slip through their fingers forever. 

As you are [Agent-specific personalization not to exceed 400 words], [30 words would be more reasonable.] I am thrilled to present A WIN FOR VICTORIA for your consideration. A WIN FOR VICTORIA is a standalone dual-POV YA lesbian fantasy novel of 98,000 words with series potential. It would be ideal for readers who enjoyed the haunting dreams of H. E. Edgmon’s Godly Heathens and the slow-building mystery of Ryan La Sala’s Reverie, as well as fans of the dual-world narrative of Omori.

I drew on my experiences in the LGBT community when conceiving this story, and put it to paper [Some agents may be unwilling to request novels that have been put to paper. Just say you wrote it; you're covered no matter how they want it.] in between my work as a research engineer at [College University] and my performances in the [City] DIY music scene.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Notes

One advantage of your putting the description of the book at the end instead of the beginning is that you don't have to describe the book as a standalone dual-POV YA lesbian fantasy novel of 98,000 words with series potential, because a lot of that is obvious from the plot summary. To me, "a 98,000-word standalone fantasy with series potential" is more than enough. (Another advantage is that it doesn't matter whether you do it my way or yours, because by the time the reader gets to that part, they've already decided whether they're intrigued enough to request pages.)

A monster telling a band of monster hunters it'll reward them if they hunt it down is like a parent telling their kid they can have ice cream, but only if they eat all their cake. They were already planning to eat all their cake.

If Tory and Victoria were head over heels for each other, would the universe implode?

It seems like a lot of books hype the fact that they have a lot of twists, or a twist you'll never see coming. This feels like a query with several twists, and I'm not sure whether that's a good thing, or confusing: 

P1: We're dealing with a standard fantasy with a heroine named Victoria

P2: Oh, Victoria just fantasizes she's a fantasy heroine. They're one person. Walter Mitty-like story?
P3: Possibly same as P2, till the end when Oh, we see they're separate people in 2 worlds. Apparently the waking world and dream world. Maybe alternate universes? And they're lesbians!

P4: They can work together. Presumably they can communicate with each other, possibly meet physically.

I can envision Agent A saying, "I must read this book, it's Red Sonja meets Pretty in Pink meets Vanilla Sky." And Agent B saying, "WTF? This author can't figure out what her own book is about. The whole book probably turns out to be the monster's hallucination."

Maybe try introducing the dual worlds up front and see where that takes you? 

Monsters seem like something from a middle grade book. You could make up a cool fear-inspiring name for them or make them lizard men. Or remove them from the book and make Victoria a ninja who leads a band of crimefighters.

Questions for my own curiosity.

When two girls are born in alternate worlds are they twins, appearance-wise? Is it a rule of nature that their parents give them the exact same name, such that if Victoria and Tory both have daughters, they'll independently decide to give them the same name? 

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1466 would like feedback on the following version of the query.

Dear (agent name)

Set in 1935, IT COMES ALL THE SAME is a 60,000-word mystery/ thriller that will appeal to readers who enjoyed the thriller and plot-twist elements of The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides, the character perspectives of Notes on an Execution by Danya Kukafka, and the setting of The Black Cat Murders by Karen Baugh Menuhin. [So, you ditched one of your comp titles, added two new ones, and moved them from the end to the beginning. Move them back.] 

Private detectives Nicholai Veidectte and Frederick Morfin are hired by the grieving widow to solve the murder of Harrison Moore— owner of London’s leading steel manufacturing company— when he is [who was] found murdered in his study. Since [I'd go with "as" or "because" rather than "since."] the police failed to identify the attacker that cost her, [no comma] her unborn child two years ago, Mrs Moore doesn’t trust them to solve this case, and decides to call her old friend Nicholai first. To Nicholai, crime scenes are a tale told by someone who wants to be heard. To Frederick, they are simply the eruptions of disturbed minds. Four suspects, two detectives, and one victim, each representing a deadly sin. [In the previous version, everyone Moore ever knew wanted him dead. Apparently all but four of them have air-tight alibis?] 

Frederick and Nicholai race to solve the biggest case of their career before Scotland Yard beats them to it, but the more they uncover, the more they realise how truly twisted the details and the people surrounding this murder are. Through a series of flashbacks, suspects of the case reveal their stories and vendettas, and the dead man tells his tale, showing the man he was before his rise to power and fall from grace. Although Frederick and Nicholai understand their duty, they often find themselves wondering if a man as awful as Harrison Moore even deserves justice. 

Notes

The 2nd paragraph addresses some of the problems with the previous version. But the third paragraph is still vague. Specific examples of something they uncover, the twisted details and people, the suspects' stories would help. How did Moore wrong the four suspects? Does each suspect have a different motive? Instead of just telling us that the suspects and victim tell their stories, tell us their stories. Briefly, of course.

Face-Lift 1468

Guess the Plot

Broken Vows and Stolen Hearts

1. Valerie said she would give Surgeon Tim her heart forever. Years later, Tim needs a heart transplant, and insists Valerie honor her vow. When Valerie reneges, Tim has to hope she dies soon, even if it means helping her along.

2. Two nuns working at a Catholic hospital fall for each other while investigating a rogue organ-trafficking priest. But whose vows will be broken first?

3. A deadly assassin befriends a teenager and vows to not kill her if she'll help him and his buddies to awaken a god and take over the world. Romance ensues.

4. Maria and Joe vowed to do all that stuff people vow to do when they get married, but apparently Joe didn't take his vows seriously, because thanks to internet dating sites, he's having new affairs every week. Also thanks to the internet, Maria now knows which poison won't be detected in an autopsy, and where to get it.

5. Ellie bought a bag of those little candy hearts with messages on them to give out on Valentines Day. But her little brother Ernie stole them and ate them all, even though he promised not to. Third grade trials and tribulations are the worst.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Here's my query for an inspired Pride and Prejudice meets Assassin's Creed in BROKEN VOWS AND STOLEN HEARTS, a YA fantasy/romance:

When Dex, a seventeen-year-old thief, swipes a mysterious black note from a deadly assassin, she has to pinch herself. The note promises her weight in gold, enough to earn her sister’s freedom from the brothel. All she has to do is complete a delivery. [Why are you telling me what color the note is? Why is a thief stealing a note? Seems like money or other valuables would be more fruitful. Is the note a piece of black paper with writing on it? If so, wouldn't it be more convenient to choose a different color paper, one that ink will show up on? I guess whoever wrote the note had no ink or graphite, but lots of chalk. Also, if you're gonna rob someone, a deadly assassin should not be your first choice. Moving on to the 2nd sentence, does the note promise anyone their weight in gold, or specifically the assassin, or specifically Dex? If I steal a note promising the holder of the note their weight in gold, I'm getting someone who weighs 300 pounds to complete the task for a cut of the reward. Also, if I have hundreds of pounds of gold, and I need something delivered, I'm calling FedEx or UPS and keeping my gold. Also, any brothel owner would gladly free one of their workers for a lot less than Dex's weight in gold. 20 pounds of gold would do it.]

But when she’s framed for murder, Dex finds herself on the run, only to be caught by the assassin. [Does the assassin know she stole the note? Did the assassin commit the murder she was framed for?] Impressed she fulfilled the delivery, [She did? What did she deliver, to whom did she deliver it, and did she get her weight in gold?] he gives her two choices: join their ranks or die. [I would call that one choice.] Terrified of failing her sister and that he’ll learn the truth, [What truth?] she agrees to train under the brutal mentor, Caliban. [If this is set in Afghanistan, and the brutal mentor Caliban is a Taliban, you've got a winner.] There she learns of a high-stakes mission–to steal an artifact that could awaken the god of shadows. With his power, they can manipulate rulers to enslave kingdoms, which threatens her sister’s life. [It also threatens kingdoms. But let's just worry about Sis.] 

As Dex grapples with her growing attachment to [the brutal mentor,] Caliban and her sister’s safety, she must navigate a treacherous path where every decision could be salvation or ruin. 

[This doesn't sound like a romance. The only hint of romance is that Dex has a growing attachment for her brutal Taliban mentor.]

Notes

Calling a character the brutal mentor Caliban is like in The Princess Bride where they called a guy the dread pirate Roberts. You could call him Caliban the Taliban, in which case he'd rhyme like the guy in the song "Ahab the Arab."

The following situation feels outlandish, but it seems to be the setup for your plot: Dex desperately wants to earn her sister's freedom from a brothel, but to do so she'll need to pay the brothel owner the weight in gold of a deadly assassin. She happens to encounter a deadly assassin, and picks his pocket, finding no gold, but finding a note with instructions on how to obtain the assassin's weight in gold. This must be Dex's lucky day.

I think I'd leave out the weight in gold plot point and start with something like:

Desperate to buy her sister's freedom from a brothel, seventeen-year-old Dex joins a guild of thieves. But her fellow thieves are after more than mere loot. They're out to steal an artifact that could awaken the god of shadows. With his power, they plan to manipulate rulers to enslave kingdoms. Which isn't exactly going to help Dex's sister.

Then you can tell us what her plan is, what specific obstacles she faces as she walks the treacherous path where every decision could be salvation or ruin.

Feedback Request

 The query most recently posted here has a new version.

17-year-old Dulani is the last man standing between his town and the Masques, soul-reaping creatures borne from mythology. He's not expecting backup either—for some reason, only he can see, hear, and kill these things. After losing close friends to them, he's far more focused on seeing his "job" as guardian through. But when a Masque almost kills his classmate, he decides to learn how to end their threat for good. 

 

Following a Masque back into its home realm, Dulani sneaks around locations from legend in search of answers. He soon finds one—along with something startling: past victims, like his friends, aren’t dead. Their still living souls are trapped in pillars weakening the cage around an even worse threat. A god who commands the Masques is one step away from breaking free so it can cross into Earth and subjugate humanity.  

Dulani, to his horror, is that missing piece. His magic, his powers, all came from this god so his soul could get strong from his job and open the cage once delivered. Dulani wants to destroy the pillars, which will rescue the souls and lock the realm forever, but as powerful Masques begin a manhunt for him, the risk grows sky-high. He’ll have to choose: fight and save countless lives, or run before he endangers just as many. 

 

MEMORANDUM (90,000 words) is a YA contemporary fantasy standalone with series potential. It combines the otherworldly danger in L.L. McKinney’s Nightmare-Verse trilogy, youths wrestling with grief and responsibility in Kamilah Cole’s SO LET THEM BURN, and the hurting hero of BLOOD AT THE ROOT by LaDarrion Williams. 

 

[Bio] 

Notes

This is much better. I'm not that clear on how the pillars are weakening the cage or how Dulani knows destroying the pillars will rescue his friends rather than destroy their souls. Maybe:

His magic, his powers, all came from this god, and every Masque he kills only brings the god  closer to escaping the cage.

The decision still seems lose / lose.  He can fight and kill Masques, eventually leading to humanity's subjugation, or he can run and the Masques will go back to killing people in his town. The latter seems better, as the Masques don't seem to be killing people all over the planet, just in Dulani's neighborhood. What he really needs to do is capture all the Masques and imprison them in the cage with the god.

Face-Lift 1467

Guess the Plot

Atomic Adventures

1. Never let it be said that atomic bombs can't be fun.

2. Nut (short for Nutrino) explores current quantum atomic theories in this introductory physics chapter book.

 3. The life story of Lucy, narrated by one of the atoms in her brain.

4. The story of how Barbie saved Oppenheimer from being a bigger bomb than Hiroshima.

5. Four siblings find an unexploded atom bomb in their backyard & turn it into a tourist attraction.

Original Version

Dear [Agent],

I am excited to present you with ATOMIC ADVENTURES, a genre-blending middle grade novel that contains elements of contemporary, historical, and science fiction. [No need to call it genre-blending if you're going to list the genres being blended.]  This book is narrated by a carbon atom named Diamond, and is for anyone who had hoped Disney's Elemental would be about the Periodic Table. [In short, it's for no one.]  [Does every atom have a name? Like helium atoms are named Balloon, Titanium atoms are named Sia, neon atoms are named Bar Sign, etc.?]  Like Karen Schwabach's Starting from Seneca Falls and Ruth Behar's Across So Many Seas, [both of which are narrated by water molecules,] it tells the story of two girls who continue to dream big despite the hardships they face. [Insert agent personalization here]. [Yes, let's add even more information before getting to the plot. This paragraph would be better toward the end of the letter.] [Also, Evil Editor does the brackets.] 

Diamond is one of the millions [trillions x trillions] of atoms making up Lucy's brain, where her thoughts, memories, and emotions are readily accessible. Right now, Lucy is feeling isolated. Over the course of a single week, Lucy is exiled from her friend group and diagnosed with Nonverbal Language Disorder. Now, she will have to attend a learning support class instead of going to Spanish with the rest of her peers. [Is Spanish the only class she'll miss? Are her Spanish class friends different from her friends group friends?] Things start to look up, however, when this new class brings her closer to the outgoing Amelia Thatcher. Suddenly, she begins to hope that she has found a friend who will lift her up instead of making her feel small.

Diamond knows Lucy will triumph, because she possesses the same indomitable spirit as her ancestor, Brigid Walsh. Diamond made up Brigid's matter while she was alive, and was able to witness how her whole life played out. Ultimately, Brigid found happiness thanks to her ability to find the light in the darkest of situations. To illustrate this, Diamond chooses to tell Lucy and Brigid's stories in alternating chapters. 

At the start of Brigid's story, she is journeying to America with her sister, Nora, in the wake of the Irish Potato Famine. The sisters will be working for the wealthy Walton family. Things go awry, however, when Nora falls in love with Richard Walton, and the two run away together. Brigid is left to endure unjust working conditions and discrimination against her heritage alone. Most haunting, is the question of why Nora would leave her without so much as a word. Brigid is determined to find out. [Just as I was thinking the two girls you mentioned in paragraph 1 were Lucy and Amelia Thatcher, Amelia disappears, and then Lucy also drops out, and Brigid becomes the star of the query. Maybe if you earlier said:  it tells the stories of two girls, born 170 years apart, who continue to dream big . . . . ] 

[Insert author bio + sign-off].

Notes

I don't see anything in the query that I'd call an adventure. There's Brigid's trip to America, but once there she endures unjust working conditions and discrimination. Presumably the stories Diamond tells about Brigid and Lucy are adventures? The title suggests something lighter than the description does.

This is supposedly the story of two girls who continue to dream big despite their hardships. The only goals I see are Lucy might find a new friend and Brigid might find out why Nora didn't tell her she was leaving her miserable oppressive job to be with the man she loved. Important to them, but not my idea of dreaming big. In fact, I'm starting to think I'd rather read Nora's story.

I don't get why this is narrated by an atom in Lucy's brain. Does the book start: My name is Diamond, and I'm a carbon atom . . . ? Does this bring a different perspective to the book than, say, Lucy finding or having passed down to her, Brigid's diaries, journals, letters, unpublished autobiography? 

The connection between Lucy's story and Brigid's seems tenuous. They both eventually, apparently, "find the light in the darkest of situations." But Brigid's dark situation is a miserable life of oppression and discrimination, while Lucy's is missing Spanish class. If they told me I couldn't go to Spanish class anymore, I'd be jumping for joy. 

Okay, I may have exaggerated the lack of connection. They may both have suffered discrimination, one because she was Irish and one because she has Nonverbal Language Disorder (although you don't say that was why Lucy was exiled from her friend group). I still think the query needs to include a stronger reason these two girls' stories belong in the same book. 

I can see how an atom in Brigid could be passed to Brigid's child at birth  (maybe) and from that person to their child etc., but you say Diamond witnessed how Brigid's whole life played out, so how did Diamond get from Brigid's dead body into future peoples' bodies?

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1456  would like feedback on the following version of the query:

MEMORANDUM (90,000 words) is a YA contemporary fantasy standalone with series potential following underprivileged POVs. [Not sure what following underprivileged POVs involves. In any case, POV usually comes in 1st  person, second person, omniscient, or a combination of those, and I doubt the recipient of this letter cares which one you use, even if it's a brand new one like underprivileged.] It combines the otherworldly danger in L.L. McKinney’s Nightmare-Verse trilogy, youths wrestling with grief and responsibility in Kamilah Cole’s SO LET THEM BURN, and the hurting hero of BLOOD AT THE ROOT by LaDarrion Williams. [Some people will never have heard of these books or authors (Evil Editor, for instance), so it's best to place this toward the end of the query, after you've hooked us with your intriguing plot summary.]

 

17-year-old Dulani works the world’s most thankless job. All myths are real, manifesting as soul-reaping monsters called Masques that he hunts. [After that first sentence, I expect you to name the job immediately. As in: 17-year-old Dulani works the world’s most thankless job: hunting and killing soul-reaping monsters called Masques.] It's rough being the town guardian, especially when nobody but him has the power to see, hear, and kill Masques. A broken home takes enough energy already, but the last time Dulani ignored a call to duty, he lost close classmates. And if there’s one thing he hates more than stress, it’s guilt, so he sucks it up and keeps his town safe.

[If no one else can see or hear Masques, how can anyone call Dulani to duty before it's too late?] 

 

But, he likes peace and quiet more, so Dulani decides to invade the Masque’s [Masques'] home realm and see how to end their threat for good. While dodging death and combing [searching?] locations from legend, Dulani uncovers something startling: past victims, like his classmates, didn’t die. 

 

Worse happened. A god who commands the Masques is gathering living souls so it can cross into Earth and subjugate humanity. [Are his classmates alive, or not? Can he recruit them?] Dulani, whose powers came from this god so his soul can be strengthened by his hunting job, is the missing piece. If he doesn’t escape, he hands [this god] the keys to an apocalypse on a silver platter. But running home changes little—Masques will keep reaping, and he’s just one guy who can and will screw up again. Dulani must choose: fight like always and play into enemy hands, or save his skin knowing others will suffer for eternity. [What kind of choice is that? Lose / lose?]

 

Like Dulani, I’m Black, and I channel my experiences with “othering” into his and the cast’s stories. As a Research Assistant with a MS in Engineering, I find new solutions to strange problems while shouldering a lot of responsibility—just like the heroes of this story. 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 

---

Questions:

1. I know "subjugate humanity" is vague, but I'm not sure how to condense/convey "wants to 'improve' humanity by forcing them to be guinea pigs with Masques as enforcers" without bloating the word count.
2. If "cross into Earth" is too vague, I originally had "to fully break the barrier over Earth." Would that be better? Or a combo of both?
3. Should I add another narrative escalator in Paragraph 2 or are the stakes fine as is?

I have no problem with subjugate humanity or cross into Earth. Or your quantity of narrative escalators, whatever those are. You may be worrying about the wrong things. 

Notes

Is Dulani's job the world's most thankless because no one knows he does it, even after a Masque is killed? Is it really a job if he doesn't get paid? 

How does a 17-year-old kid manage to kill even one god/monster? Does he have super powers or a magical weapon? 

I'm not sure why Dulani  can invade the Masques' realm, but the god can't cross to Earth.

All myths are real, meaning Aphrodite and Mercury and Thor and . . . Paul Bunyan are Masques? What about Aquaman and Silver Surfer? All Masques?

Your first plot paragraph could be something like:

17-year-old Dulani is the only person with the power to see, hear, and kill "Masques," soul-reaping monsters borne from mythology. It's not a task he wants, but he's lost close classmates to the Masques, so he sucks it up and keeps his town safe. When the Masques threaten to overwhelm the town, Dulani decides to invade their home realm and end their threat for good.

That leaves plenty of room to tell us what his specific plan is, making it clear that there's hope of success, because right now it sounds like we're all doomed to be subjugated eventually. 

Face--Lift 1466

Guess the Plot

It Comes All the Same

1. It Comes All the Same. IT COMES ALL THE SAME. it comes all the same. iT cOmEs AlL tHe SaMe.

2. Death and Taxes. Taxes and Death.

3. Nigel Ellis has a deal with Death: as long as he fills quotas as a grim reaper, he doesn't have to die. The catch? He can't mess with anyone's fates, as in he can only collect souls from people who are dying on their own. And he has to beat out every other grim reaper who made the same deal he did.

4. Harrison Moore was one of the richest men in the world. Now he's dead. Who had a motive? Actually, pretty much every person he ever knew.

5. Death and Time have been playing chess for as long as there has been life. But now the game has been interrupted. Do they restart the game or do they continue as is? Jordan sure would like to know, because last he remembers he is supposed to be dead.

Original Version

Dear (agent),

The devil comes in many forms, and Harrison Moore is [Was?] one of them. 

Set in 1930’s London, It Comes All the Same [Italicize title] is a 60k word mystery/ thriller told from multiple first-person points of view. When private detectives Nicholai Veidectte and Frederick Morfin are called in to solve the murder of Harrison Moore— one of the richest men in the country— they quickly discover this won’t be an easy solve. [Whattaya mean, "called in"? Hired?] Harrison Moore was not a man of few enemies, [Or, was a man of many enemies.] and when almost everyone in your life wants you dead, bringing your killer to justice won’t be easy. [Bringing your killer to justice is never easy, unless you're a zombie.] And to make matters worse, Nicholai and Frederick have three days to solve one of the biggest cases of their career, or the case goes to Scotland Yard. [Was that a Scotland Yard rule in the 1930's? We don't take any case until it's stumped all the private detectives for three days.?] The suspects are as follows: the wife, the sister-in-law, the maid, and the competition. [Who are the competition? The other richest men in the country? How did he make all that money?] But does a man as awful as Harrison Moore really deserve justice? Afterall, [two words] you don’t get to where he did without picking up a few skeletons along the way. [I'm not sure picking up skeletons is an idiom. Having skeletons in your closet is, but those skeletons, I believe, are secrets you wouldn't want revealed. Also, you've said he had many enemies, that everyone wanted him dead, and that he'd picked up a few skeletons made a few enemies  along the way, all of which say about the same thing. Plus, the phrase a "few" enemies seems like a massive understatement if almost everyone in his life wanted him dead.]

Our protagonist, Frederick Morfin, walks us through the case as him [he] and his partner, Nicholai, uncover the details of the murder. Our suspects provide flashbacks from their points of view, revealing their stories and vendettas, and of course, our dead man tells his tale, showing the kind of man he was before his rise to power and fall from grace. 

It Comes All the Same will appeal to readers who enjoyed the mystery and plot-twist elements of The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides, and the voice and character perspectives of I Eat Men Like Air by Alice Berman. [Italicize book titles] This book also resonates with the song The Fruits [Quotation marks around song titles] by Paris Paloma [Actually, I was thinking the book resonates with the song "You're So Vague," by Queens of the Stone Age.]  and is the song I often imagine playing at the last page of the book. [No need to imagine it;  just write it onto the last page.] [The song a book resonates with, whatever that means, is not useful information to include in a query.] This book also raises the very important question of how far people would go for love, and can murder be justified? [Does it also answer the questions?]

Notes

Useful information to include in a query: specific details about what happens. Here's what we know: Some unknown entity calls in two private detectives to solve the murder of some man who was rich and hated by everyone. One of the multiple narrators walks us through the case. Suspects provide flashbacks. We learn stuff about the dead guy's life. That's all vague. What is the detectives' plan of action to solve the case? Why are the particular suspects you mention considered suspects? Presumably we learn the answer in their flashbacks? Give us some specific examples of what Moore did to a couple suspects.

If this murder can be justified, I'm wondering why we should care whodunnit.