Face-Lift 1554

Guess the Plot

Resurgence

1. An ancient supernatural power that was thought to have been lost is back. So of course the government is planning to use it to oppress society. 

2. Zombies! Need I say more?

3. Centuries ago, the Black Plague killed half of the world. Now it's returned to finish the job, and it's up to one biochemist named Bruce to save us all.

Original Version

Dear agent,

I am seeking representation for my debut sci-fi/fantasy novel Mythos of Kento: Resurgence, an 85,000-word story for readers of Star Wars: Light of the Jedi and Dune, in which siblings Zeph and Kyra Thunstar—descendants of an ancient warrior group called Kento—inherit Energy, the long-gone supernatural power the world no longer believes exists. [It kind of sounds like you're saying Zeph and Kyra are characters in Dune. Maybe move your comp titles to the end of the query.] Their inheritance, however, comes at dear personal cost.

Discovery of the mythical stone Jenasite triggers a covert government plan to train soldiers in the ancient power of Energy, a force not seen since the Kento warriors of old [ruled the world. (or whatever)]. [You already told us what Energy is, two sentences ago.] The Triad Emperors, leaders of the planet, seek to utilize military force to exert increasingly authoritarian rule over society. [It sounds more like they seek to utilize supernatural power.]

After civil unrest sparks an assassination of government delegates, siblings Zeph and Kyra Thunstar, descendants of ancient Kento, [We already know their last name, that they're siblings, and that they're descendants of ancient Kento, having learned all of this four sentences ago.] are pulled into an emergency response group seeking to ease the dissent. With the help of their friend and unofficial government informant Rytel Gamnar [anagram: martyr angel], they discover the dark connection between the assassinations and the Emperors’ exploitation of Energy. Disgusted by the Emperors’ corruption, Zeph and Kyra seek the knowledge and power of their ancestors to make a stand against the Triad’s oppressive rule.  [You said at the beginning that Zeph and Kyra inherited Energy. But here you're saying the government has Energy, presumably because they found a mythical stone. And Zeph and Kyra are still seeking it. Do they need to also find a mythical stone? Either way, by the time they find Energy, the soldiers will all be trained in it, and our heroes will be outmanned.] [Three of the last four sentences have people seeking. Maybe one or two could be planning or wanting or hoping.] 

Resurgence is the first in the Mythos of Kento series – I am currently on draft 2 of the follow-up Retribution which picks up directly where Resurgence leaves off.

I live in New Jersey with my wife, two kids, and two dogs. I’ve worked for the past fourteen years as a Finance & Analytics professional. My hobbies include running, snowboarding, skateboarding, reading, and amateur stand-up comedy.

Thanks for your time and consideration.

Notes

There's not room in a query to say the same things twice. Whether you put the information in an introductory paragraph or in the plot summary is up to you. 

What is the personal cost the inheritance of Energy brings to Zeph and Kyra?

At the end of the query, Zeph and Kyra don't even have Energy. If we're to have any hope for them, they need to get it. If the 2nd and third paragraphs were combined into something like:

With the Triad Emperors, leaders of the planet, utilizing military force to exert increasingly authoritarian rule over society, civil unrest sparks an assassination of government delegates. Zeph and Kyra, recruited to an emergency response team trying to suppress the dissent, uncover evidence of the Emperors’ corruption, and resolve to make a stand against the Triad’s oppressive rule. But to take on the government, they'll need to harness Energy, the long-lost power of their ancestors.

. . . you'll have room to tell us how they acquire Energy and how they plan to use it. This also avoids the agent asking annoying questions like, How are two people with Energy going to defeat an army of soldiers who also have Energy?

Kento is a pretty common Japanese name. A Japanese reader would react to an ancient warrior group called Kento as an American reader would to an ancient warrior group called Bob.

Face-Lift 1553

Guess the Plot

Fathers, Sons and Their Holy Ghosts

1. Phil ran away from home to escape his conservative father, and never looked back. Three decades later, Phil's son runs away from home to escape Phil, who has become his own father. Also, the ghosts of murdered people.

2, John Paul's father was the foremost scholar on the Catholic Saints before dying in a plane crash. Now the ghosts of said saints have found him and want him to set his father's speculative research straight.

3. When a parallel universe, with its own Holy Trinity, collides with our universe, we end up with six beings who are also one. A Holy Sexternity. But it's hard enough to keep three in line. Six is chaos, and leads to galactic war.

Original Version

In 2002, Phil Walsh, former Sixties hippy now businessman, [He was always a businessman, but now his business is legal] accepts an executive promotion which requires relocating his happy California family to his hometown, Chicago. In 1970, Phil had run away to escape his oppressive and conservative father, a World War II veteran and Chicago cop. He vowed never to return. The Generation Gap between the two remains open.

After moving, Phil’s life comes full circle when his own son runs away in an attempt to return to California. Phil’s pursuit of success and wealth might destroy his cherished family just as his own youthful commitment to the Sixties upended his boyhood family.

His family in turmoil, Phil questions why he moved back, and at the same time, wonders why he left in the first place. Were the Sixties relevant, or just another fad like disco in the Seventies? [You're comparing an entire decade to a dance craze. It's like asking, Is world hunger relevant, or just a fad like avocado toast?]  And worse, has he become the father he ran away from?

Phil’s runaway son stays with his grandfather [His grandfather, meaning Phil's father? Or Phil's son's mother's father? Is Phil's son's mother even in the book? Any confusion caused by referring to Phil and his father and his son and his son's grandfather might be diminished by giving Phil's son a name.] [But don't make the grandfather Phil senior and Phil Phil Jr, and Phil's son Phil III.] [Or do, and switch the setting from Chicago to Philadelphia.] and discovers him living a life reflective of the liberal causes Phil once supported. [A Chicago ex-cop isn't gonna move to California and become a liberal. Make him a Chicago ex-bartender.] When the grandfather suddenly dies, it is up to the son to show Phil the impact the Sixties had on his own father; and in so doing, he reunites three generations of his family. [One of whom is dead.] [If it was the sixties that had an impact on Phil's father, you'd think Phil would have noticed this was happening, and not run away in 1970. Unless. . .  Did the sixties impact dad in the nineties?]

Fathers, Sons and Their Holy Ghosts is an 84,000-word family saga flashing back to Beatlemania and the tumultuous Sixties. The assassinations of John Kennedy and John Lennon…Their Holy Ghosts…are presented as symmetrical milestones defining both generations.  

Readers of Crossroads by Jonathan Franzen, Ask Again, Yes by Mary Beth Keane and Commonwealth by Ann Patchett will enjoy this novel.

After a successful business career during which I took time off to study creative writing at The University of Iowa, University of Chicago, and Arizona State University, I completed this novel and had it copyedited. My life experiences as the son of a World War II veteran and the younger brother of a Sixties hippy inspired me to write my debut novel. [So, you are Phil and Phil's son.]

Notes

Does Phil's father know Phil ended up in California? Does he move close to where Phil lives? Does Phil know his father's in Cal. when he decides to move to Chicago? Has Phil's son been in contact with Phil's father? I can't tell if these people are like ships passing in the night, or if everyone's in touch with everyone, at least by phone. Surely Phil's mother would want contact with Phil and Phil's son.

I guess it's not unusual for literary fiction to be character-based, with minimal plot, but does something happen in this book besides people moving back and forth and Phil's son's dead grandfather somehow being reunited with his descendants? Was there a specific event that turned Phil's father around? 

Maybe it would be better if the  generations finally were actually united, arranged by Phil's son before the grandfather died, so Phil gets to see the change in his father, rather than hears about it second-hand when his son tells him that he and Grandpa spent all their time together smoking weed while listening to the Doors and the Dead.

Face-Lift 1552

Guess the Plot

The Iris and the Aconite

1. Perfumer Camille is busy creating perfumes for the upcoming royal ball, when she is framed for a heinous crime: poisoning Duchess Louise of (Old) Orleans. The method: switching the duchess's favorite iris perfume for one made of the toxic aconite. Camille races to find the true culprit, before she is sent to the gallows.

2. When Trudy put aconite (AKA wolfsbane) in her husband's herbal tea, her defense was that she mixed up the iris, which she used to give tea a vanilla-like flavor, with the aconite, which she used to kill people.

3. Kresimir Zaheriev is a courtesan by day, but at night he becomes the assassin known as the Aconite. His mission: kill benevolent, cheery King Athanasi, AKA the Iris, who slaughtered Kresimir's parents.

4. After Iris's blind date turns out to be a bit heavy on the fur and inclined to paw under a full moon, she joins the Aconite, a group of werewolf hunters, hoping to find a cure before the next moon where she may switch sides to being a target.

Original Version

Dear agent,

I'm excited to offer my adult fantasy novel, THE IRIS AND THE ACONITE, complete at 114,000 words. It's set in a Slavic-inspired secondary world reminiscent of Uprooted by Naomi Novik, and deals with court politics and conflicting loyalties that echo Mask of Mirrors by M.A. Carrick. 

It's a simple plan. Seduce the king, platonically. Get him alone. Kill him. The chancellor's only warning? Do not let the king charm you.

Kresimir Zaheriev, beautiful as he is prickly, is a courtesan by trade, so he is certain nothing of the sort could befall him. Not when it was all the king's fault that he was in this business. Had his benevolent monarch not slaughtered his parents, Kresimir and his ailing best friend wouldn't have had to fend for themselves. [The king doesn't strike me as someone Kresimir would call benevolent.] It is only reasonable that when he learns of the chancellor's search for a king's assassin, Kresimir jumps at the opportunity for vengeance. ["A king's assassin" can be interpreted more than one way. That you say "a" king rather than "the" king could suggest that the chancellor is looking for someone with experience assassinating kings. Someone the king can employ. Just as every king has a jester and a chef and a bodyguard, they also have assassins on call to eliminate people they wrongly suspect of plotting against them. Or it could mean he's looking for someone to assassinate the king, though it's hard to believe word has gotten around about this assassin search but no one has blabbed to the king.] [Also, why does the seduction have to be platonic? It should be easier to get him alone if it's a sexual seduction, which is, traditionally, part of a courtesan's job. Assuming the king swings that way.]

As expected, Kresimir effortlessly steals the king's attention, thanks in part to his meddling in a magic-wielding, courtesan-kidnapping cult. [Is it Kresimir or the king meddling in the cult? Either way, I'm not sure what meddling in a cult means. Is the cult kidnapping the king's courtesans?] [Is this based on that tongue twister, How many king's courtisans could a courtesan-kidnapping cult kidnap if . . . ] All that remains now is to wait. But King Athanasi is nothing like the tyrant Kresimir had dreamed of--infuriatingly handsome, maddeningly cheery, with a keen interest in gardening and a habit of lending a hand to anyone who needs it. [You're not describing someone I'd expect to be meddling in a kidnapping cult. Which one of them was doing the meddling, and why was the other one involved?] [Also, what comes after the dash could be interpreted as a description of the tyrant Kresimir had dreamed of, rather than the opposite of that. Replacing the dash with "He's" fixes that.] The longer they work together to take down the crime ring, the more Kresimir falls into a rhythm, and the more he doubts the circumstances of his parents' execution. But he has already promised the king's death to the chancellor, and going back on his word means not only losing his life but that [those] of his loved ones as well. 

Notes

You need something after the plot summary, so move your first paragraph there.  This also gives you a better hook at the beginning.

I assume the crime ring is the magic-wielding, courtesan-kidnapping cult, though those seem like different types of organizations. Like, a crime ring would kidnap courtesans and demand ransom, while a cult would try to indoctrinate them into their belief system, which is based on over-alliteration. At least you didn't call them a conjuring, courtesan-kidnapping crime cult, which would be an auto-rejection.

How does one go about searching for an assassin who'll contract to kill the king? Craig's List? And the part about if you don't kill him, you and all your loved ones die--is that in the fine print, or is it just understood as SOP in the business? Because that would be a dealbreaker for a lot of the applicants.

To what purpose do the cult members wield magic? Do they have vast powers, like Doctor Strange? Can other people wield magic? 

 

A new title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots.

https://evileditor.blogspot.com/p/query-queue_7.html

Face-Lift 1551

Guess the Plot

The Ghost Witch

1. Lydia is excited to be moving into a house that's supposed to be haunted by a witch! Unfortunately, Agnes was the most incompetent witch to have ever lived--the only spell that ever worked was the one that killed her. However, Snookie, her cat, thinks Agnes isn't really dead, and wants Lydia's help to get her back.

2. Casper the ghost needs a costume for the office Halloween party, and decides to go as a witch. not realizing that Wendy the witch plans to wear a ghost costume. Everyone has a good laugh--until Dracula shows up dressed as a werewolf.

3. Fiona the witch has been plotting revenge on the man who burned her mother at the stake. But with her plan about to reach fruition, she's captured by a handsome witch hunter. Will he turn her over to the royal witch hunter? Or will she turn him into a Scottish Terrier? Or will they fall in love and live happily ever after?

4. When a witch dies and comes back as a ghost, she doesn't lose her ability to cast spells. Which makes her more powerful and dangerous than other ghosts or witches. But not powerful enough to take over the world, as Henrietta is about to discover.

5. Robert just went on a great first date with Cassia, the beautiful necromancer he met on a dating app. But Cassia is no longer responding to any of his texts! Can Robert find love, or will he be haunted by being ghosted forever?

6. Witch Hepsibah wturns herself into a ghost and now brews potions for everyone in the afterlife with the help of Salem, her cat. But a dead witch hunter discovers this and hunts her across the afterlife.

Original Version

Fiona was nine years old when she vowed to kill John Kincaid. [I mean, any kid who cheats at Sorry deserves to die, am I right?] To the rest of Scotland, he’s the King’s renowned Witch Pricker– [No reason to capitalize "witch pricker." Or "king," unless you name the king, which would be a good idea to emphasize that this is grounded in history.] [For those unfamiliar with 17th-century Scottish occupations, a witch pricker was a guy who pricked witches. And while the job has become obsolete, the term "witch pricker" remains popular as a tongue twister. Just try to say it five times fast.] but to Fiona, he’s the man who burned her mother at the stake. For years, she has risked her life to save condemned witches from their brutal trials [They go on trial after they've been condemned?] while seeking her revenge. All was going to plan until she found herself captured [and] at the mercy of a frustratingly decent and handsome hunter. [If you mean witch hunter, say so.] Alasdair’s haunted past has turned his days into meaningless repetitions fraught with doubt over his way of life. But can he defy clan duty and accept the mad rantings of this beautiful, obstinate woman before him? [So members of the clan have a duty to capture women and . . . what? Turn them over to the witch pricker?] [If Fiona wants to convince Alasdair she's not a witch, she'd be better off talking calmly and rationally, rather than ranting madly . . . like a witch. Or she could just turn Alasdair into a frog.]

In The Ghost Witch, a 99,000-word historical romance adventure set in 1661 Scotland, a sudden, violent attack on the road leaves Fiona and Alasdair no choice but to rely on each other, and a fragile trust between strangers begins to take root. But that bond is tested as John Kincaid closes in. He sets traps across the Highlands to lure the legend of the [legendary? notorious?] ‘Ghost Witch,’ and silence her once and for all. Desperate to protect her coven, Fiona [Wait, she has a coven? Is Fiona a witch? Was her mother?] must grapple with a love she never expected—one that could put everything she holds dear in danger. Together they must fight, ["Together" meaning she and her coven or she and Alasdair?] because in a world ruled by fire and fear, freedom always comes at a cost.

This story embraces [blends?] the dark, grounded history of Kiran Millwood Hargrave's “The Mercies,” and the feminist, magical realism of Emilia Hart’s “Weyward,” in the lush setting, with the grand romance of the Outlander series. The Ghost Witch is [I see you italicize your title, but not these other titles.] a dual POV, standalone with series potential. Written for [, that will appeal to] women over 30 who love a fierce heroine, sisterhood, mist-drenched battles, and a slow-burning enemies-to-lovers [tale] with a magic system that will force the reader to question reality as they know it. [That last phrase, starting  "with a magic system..." might be better at the beginning of the sentence. Or left out entirely on the grounds that if your magic system is likely to force me to question reality as I know it, this magic is worthy of mention in the plot summary. Does Fiona use magic to rescue suspected (or actual) witches?]

On a three-year road trip across Europe and the UK, I became entranced by the mystical, rolling hills of Scotland and began deep research into the history of the witch purge. When my husband, our dog, and I settled onto a sheep farm for a month, the story began to write itself. I’m Kellsie Moore, a debut American writer. My prequel short-story screenplay, “The Witch In The Wall,” won awards at San Diego Movie, London Film Buzz, NY International Screenplay, and Creative World. Each chapter [of The Ghost Witch] includes a quote or excerpt from propaganda of the time, and all mystical and magical elements are derived from real-world documented phenomena, Scottish folklore, history, or lived traditions. 

Notes

The sentence about your screenplay awards doesn't belong in the middle of that paragraph; if you think it'll help your cause, give it it's own paragraph.

This book sounds like it would sell, and the query is well-written. The natural inclination is to assume the women being pricked and executed are not actually witches, so when you bring up a coven and a magic system, I have to rethink things. Are we talking about witches who cast spells? Like the Scarlet Witch? Samantha on Bewitched? Glenda or the Wicked Witch of the West? Apparently Fiona doesn't have the power to thwart her captor or her attacker. What can she do?

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1544 would like feedback on the following version of the query:

Dear [Agent], 

I was so pleased to see [_____] on your wishlist, and I’m excited to present you with KISSING EXISTENCE, a multi-POV, nonlinear upmarket novel complete at 67,000 words. It combines the emotional complexity regarding love and memory in Lily King’s HEART THE LOVER; the introspective, nostalgic style of Banana Yoshimoto’s DEAD-END MEMORIES; and the wintry atmosphere of blurred reality within Han Kang’s WE DO NOT PART.

          [I see why you're excited to query this agent, if your book ticks these boxes on her wishlist:

          Fiction 

• multi-POV, nonlinear
• emotional complexity regarding love and memory
• nostalgic style
• wintry atmosphere of blurred reality]

[I'm not a big fan of talking about other people's books before you talk about the one you've written, but I get so many queries that do this, I have to assume someone somewhere has recommended it. Anyway, what's your book about?]

Moka only wants to get through her dull office job and dull life without confronting her deepening isolation. [That's exactly how the plot summary in the previous query (Face-Lift 1550) started. That character got through his deepening isolation by finding an ancient sword that turned him into a superhero. Does Moka also find an ancient sword?] That all changes when she meets Alice, a lively and talkative stranger who quickly—almost too quickly—fills the void in Moka’s life. But shortly after their third encounter, on a cold winter night, Moka comes across a dead body in the snow. It’s Alice. [That was fast. Did they both leave Starbucks at the same time, and Moka stumbles upon Alice's body five minutes later? In other words, it's not clear whether "on a cold winter night" refers to the third encounter or to coming across the body . . . or to both.] [Riddle: What does Moka order when she goes to Starbucks?]

Ruled as a suicide, her death paralyzes Moka, unleashing an even heavier loneliness than before. But when her [Alice's] ghost starts appearing in her [Moka's] kitchen, Moka [she] feels compelled to piece together Alice’s life through those she left behind: a mother, a sister, an ex, a colleague. And as fragments surface—a secret pregnancy, a devastating 9-1-1 call, a bittersweet first love—her attachment only intensifies. 

Before obsession consumes her completely, [Too late.] Moka must learn how to exist with her love for Alice, rather than exist only for it. [The distinction between those two options isn't as obvious as it might be if Alice were alive. And those don't seem to me to be the only options. For instance, she could need to learn how to exist without her love for Alice. Or learn how to exist when she can't walk into her kitchen without worrying that a ghost is suddenly gonna appear.] 

Notes

This is an improvement, thanks to some added specifics. My impression is that Moka is an unbalanced and obsessed character who believes the ghost is appearing to her, though that may be her imagination. Is that what I'm supposed to think? They don't seem to have known each other well enough to justify Moka's actions. (Or the ghost's.)

If someone's daughter or sister Alice recently died, and you approach them saying you want information to help piece together Alice's life, they'd probably just glare at you. Or they might ask who you were to Alice, and when you reply that you barely knew Alice but that Alice's ghost has been hanging out in your kitchen . . . I think that conversation is over.

Does the ghost communicate with Moka? Like, telling her it wasn't suicide, it was murder, and she was killed by her ex and she needs Moka to avenge her death? If Moka knows what the ghost wants from her, it's okay to put that in the query, so we'll understand why the ghost is appearing to Moka instead of to someone she was much closer to.

Face-Lift 1550

Guess the Plot

The Sword of Storms

1. Nearly every fantasy hero needs an enchanted blade in order to overcome evil overlords, right wrongs, and do good. Gale Weatherly's is the Sword of Storms which is a fancy name for a piece of metal that isn't even enchanted. He's starting to wonder if he's really cut out for this hero thing.

2. When his mother is killed by a wyvern, college dropout Mark Bauer recruits a team of wizards and dragons to get vengeance.

3. Thor has his hammer, Wonder Woman has her lasso. Captain America has his shield. But those items pale in comparison to Bob's Sword of Storms, which brings forth thunderstorms. Now if only the lightning would quit striking his sword.

4. Having cheated at cards while playing the gods for preservation of his country, Atolir has one left over that he didn't take out of his sleeve in time. Can he use the Sword of Storms card for good? Or is it a joke by the gods who realized he was cheating to cause him to destroy the country after all?

Original Version

I am seeking representation for my new adult/adult fantasy novel THE SWORD OF STORMS, a 107,000 word contemporary urban fantasy that will appeal to fans of the [such] ancient and evil villains like [as Galbatorix,] in Christopher Paolini's Eragon, the hidden world within our own of Cassandra Clare's City of Bones, or the strong ensemble of Olivia Blake's The Atlas Six. [A bit of internet research suggests that these comp titles may not help your cause, not because they aren't similar to your book, but because they are closer to young adult than adult. Also, it seems they are widely considered derivative and not particularly well-written. They did make lots of money, so take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. Still, the stories of how they came to be published are perhaps as interesting as the books themselves.] [Also, Ms. Blake's first name is Olivie.]

Mark Bauer is a college-dropout, running away from responsibility and life until he runs straight into a new world of magic. However, even there he struggles to escape the crushing weight of his perceived insignificance, [I think it would be normal to feel even more insignificant if you suddenly found yourself in a world of magic. It would be like a benchwarmer on a a little league baseball team suddenly finding himself on the New York Yankees.] until his discovery of an ancient sword gives him the power and chance to become the hero he has dreamt of becoming. [Continuing my analogy, the little league kid finds an ancient baseball bat that will help him become a World Series hero. Actually, I'm starting to think you should abandon your book and write the baseball book, which sounds more realistic.] Now, he must decide between vengeance or keeping a hold on his newfound abilities. [Vengeance? I feel like I missed a step. On the college professors who flunked him out of school?] [Also, what are his newfound abilities? Can he create storms by swinging his ancient sword? I don't think he'll become the hero he always dreamt of being if he goes around causing tornados and floods.]

THE SWORD OF STORMS is a character-driven fantasy taking place [set] in the modern world. [That sentence sounds like either the first sentence of the query or the first sentence of your final paragraph, wrapping things up. Here it's just interrupting the plot summary.] Mark and his new friends, powerful wizards in their own right, are being tormented by the White Wyvern, an ancient beast that has been scheming to overthrow the order of the magical world [This is not striking me as a story taking place in the modern world. For starters, you've already brought up ancient villains, an ancient sword, and an ancient beast. Obviously this isn't Kansas.] and destroy the Dragons, god-like beings that grant chosen few wizards the ability to wield draconic power and authority. The Wyvern has crossed a line, and during an assault on the wizard's [wizards'] stronghold, kills Mark's mother. [What's his mother doing in the wizards' stronghold? Are all the wizards' mothers there? I figured "running away from life" implied getting away from his parents.] With help from the Dragons and his friends, Mark formulates a plan that, although risky, may allow him to enact [exact] revenge and kill the Wyvern for good, but in doing so, he must give up the Sword of the Storm, [It's called the Sword of Storms.] and lose his newfound abilities. [I hope he doesn't lose them before we even find out what they are.]

I am a first-time author from southern Utah with a bachelor's degree in Creative Writing.

Thank you for your time.

Notes

If Mark's newfound abilities include the ability to cut off the wyvern's head with his ancient sword, he probably doesn't need a bunch of Dragons and wizards to assist him. Conversely, the Dragons are god-like beings, and the wizards have draconic power, but together they can't deal with one wyvern unless this college dropout comes up with a plan for them? Reminds me of the old joke, how many dragons and wizards does it take to kill a wyvern? Four dragons, to burn the wyvern to a crisp, two wizards to create a hurricane to put out the fire. And one college dropout to formulate the plan.

When a wannabe hero tries to make his mark with a sword in the modern world . . . well, we all remember how it went in this iconic scene,]

It's pretty convenient that your loser main character happens to "run into" a new world of magic, and that he "discovers" an ancient sword that gives him "abilities." Could anyone have run into this world and discovered this sword? Or is he the chosen one? I mean, Spiderman and Superman and the Flash and the Fantastic Four all have logical explanations for how they got their abilities. Green Lantern didn't just find his ring on the side of the road.

You realize that if Mark gives up the sword and loses his abilities, no one will want to read your sequel in which a college dropout sits around his shabby apartment reminiscing about the day he lived his dream of being Conan the Barbarian?

Killing the wyvern isn't going to end the guilt he rightfully feels for bringing his mother into the wizards' stronghold where she was sure to be killed, so I assume he keeps the sword and his abilities rather than avenge his mother's death?

Face-Lift 1549

Guess the Plot

Keep the Good Parts

1. Emily Ryder finds a magic diary that allows her to edit her memories. The question is, which memories are better to keep? All her stupid mistakes so she doesn't make them again? Or only the good ones so she can forget how stupid she's been?

2. When Aurora's heavy drinking drifter boyfriend leaves her for a life hopping freight trains across the country, she should be relieved, but she only remembers the good parts: streetwalking, defacing public property . . . Hmm. Okay, there was their pet ferret.

3. Cassie invites her (soon-to-be-ex-) boyfriend, Scott, home to meet her parents. When her mom puts the platter of fried chicken on the table, he immediately grabs all the thighs and drumsticks. (her dad's favorite parts). Not only that, he puts two drumsticks in his pocket, saying he's keeping them for later.

4. Harold receives a rejection slip from an agent, that says: Keep the good parts. He writes back: You didn't say which were the good parts. The agent writes to him: I underlined the good parts. Harold responds: You didn't underline any . . . Oh.

Original Version

I am seeking representation for KEEP THE GOOD PARTS, a dual-POV upmarket contemporary fiction complete at 98,000 words. It will appeal to readers of Claire Daverley’s Talking at Night, Hanna Halperin’s I Could Live Here Forever, and Sally Rooney’s Normal People.

Two weeks before she meets Caden in a Seattle coffee shop, Aurora nearly drowns in the Pacific Ocean. She drags herself back to shore with a new conviction: she will stop living small. She has spent eighteen years as the good daughter with perfect grades, a future mapped by everyone except her, a life built on safe choices. [Safe choices like swimming alone in the Pacific Ocean.] [I don't wanna die and be remembered as a good daughter with perfect grades, I wanna be remembered as Lara Croft, tomb raider.] [Hard to believe her future has been mapped by everyone except her. Most people can barely map their own future, much less someone else's.] [Two weeks since she decided to stop living small, and she's now in Seattle working as a barista.]

Caden is anything but safe. He’s nineteen, ran away from home senior year of high school, and has been drifting ever since. He carries trauma from a troubled childhood, drinks too much, [There's unsafe, and then there's Bluto Blutarski unsafe.] loves too hard, and sees the hungry, unguarded girl Aurora is finally ready to be. For six months, they build a world that belongs only to them: late walks through sleeping streets, graffiti under bridges, a ferret named Noodle, whispered plans for a quiet life by the sea. [She already had a quiet life by the sea. Can you come up with a better list of what's appealing about this new world they built? Because it sounds like they're both living small.] He makes her feel alive. She makes him want to stop running.

When Aurora loses her scholarship from her expensive private university, [Standard procedure. They only want you around if you agree to let them map your future.] she returns to her small coastal hometown to regroup before transferring to a state school in the fall. Caden promises to follow. [And he's the kind of guy who never breaks a promise.] But without Aurora, he drinks constantly, loses his job, [Job? Someone actually hired this guy?] and becomes certain of what he’s always feared: he will only drag her down. He writes her a letter full of love, lets her go, then vanishes. [WHAT?! I'm shocked.] He hitchhikes to Portland, where a fellow drifter introduces him to train hopping. Chasing freedom, he catches freight trains across America, sinking deeper into addiction with every mile [, while she goes on to become the governor of California. But she still longs for the good parts of what they had together].

Told across seven years, KEEP THE GOOD PARTS follows two people bound by a first love neither can release, through the cities and lovers and near-misses that keep pulling them back to each other, and what happens when they finally find their way home.

Notes

When you say this hard-drinking, hard-loving guy sees Aurora as unguarded, I get a different vibe than what I think you're after. Like he sees her as his next project, someone he can control.

If Caden was sinking deeper into addiction with each mile, he'd have been dead by the time he reached Wyoming.

Your plot summary covers about eight months of the seven years the book covers. We don't need the whole story in the query, but you stop when she's going back to school and he vanished to go find freedom. If 80% of the book is about cities and lovers and near-misses that keep pulling them back to each other, that deserves mention in the summary, not just one sentence in your closing.

How do they even stay in touch? Does he steal someone's phone and text her that he's in Pittsburgh and he found a bridge that's in need of graffiti, and she then drops everything and hops a freight train to Pittsburgh?

You chose good comp titles. Based on their publishers' descriptions, they all have the same plot as your book.