Evil Editor

Guess the Plot

Werepire in Italy

1. Janine thought Italy would be the best place to survive her new curse, since surely nobody would notice an extra church spire here or there. Unfortunately, the apologetic note she found when she woke up with a bite mark on her had really messy handwriting, and now she's scrambling to figure out what a pire is before the full moon.

2. Isko is a vampire, but Isko's stepsister's bodyguard thinks Isko is a werewolf. Also, Isko and the bodyguard are sleeping together, which is a bit awkward. Even in Italy.

3. Life as a half vampire, half werewolf is hard enough on the best of days. Only now Sammy learns of an inheritance of a vineyard in Italy. Who would have thought getting a passport to be the simplest of the coming events?

4. What's the best place for a half vampire, half werewolf to retire? Italy, of course! Adolphus has already moved into his new flat on the Via Vaticano when he realizes A. It's very sunny, B. There sure are a lot of crucifixes around, and C. The new pope is experimenting with turning rain into holy water. He might be in trouble.

Original Version

Dear Agent

The Royals Next Door by Karina Halle meets My Roommate Is A Vampire by Jenna Levine in WEREPIRE IN ITALY; a 90,000 word dual-POV queer adult paranormal romance novel.  Vampires killed his mother and brother. [This is already a rejection by most agents. There should be half a dozen commas, no semicolon, and you've put the first sentence of the plot summary in this introduction paragraph, an error you surely would have noticed if you'd read the query before sending it. The agent is thinking, Do I want to try to sell a 90,000-word novel with no punctuation that hasn't been proofread by the author?] [The list of adjectives can do without "dual-POV" and "adult." And I'd put the paragraph after the plot summary.]

So when twenty-two year old Isko Silang turns into a vampire, he does the only thing he can do: flee to a small town in Italy before his father finds out. [I can see wanting to be somewhere else,  but why must he flee specifically to a small town in Italy?] The last [thing] he wanted [wants] his father to do to him was [is for his father to] hate him more than he already does for being born human. [If his father hates him for being born human, why would he hate him even more now that he's not human?] 

Isko tries to bury his worries in the dimples of focaccia bread and ignore the hunger pangs when wine is too viscous. But when his stepsister suddenly plans [decides] to study abroad in Italy everything comes tumbling down. He has to fake a heartbeat and cover the smell of death. He doesn’t expect his family to send  [His stepsister arrives with] their family's bodyguard, Toji Matsumoto, to his home. He’s aloof, quiet, and loyal to his [Isko's] family to a fault and for some reason he believes Isko wants his [step?]sister out of the picture. 

Toji’s tasked to protect the Silang family’s daughter, and he suspects Isko of being a werewolf despite the claims that he’s human. [When a person repeatedly claims to be human, they probably aren't.] Family means nothing in the grand scheme of succession, [Usually family means everything in the grand scheme of succession. Either way, I'm not sure why you're telling us this.] and he would be damned if he let his guard down just because Isko has a way-too bright of a smile and share a bed. [Huh? Who's sharing a bed?] [Also, was that supposed to be a sentence?]

But sharing a bed becomes the least of their concerns when the vampires who turned Isko resurface, and his stepsister’s put in danger. Toji’s torn between fulfilling his duty and whatever’s blossoming between him and Isko. All the while, Isko doesn’t know how long he can keep up with the charades until he succumbs to bloodlust and loses everyone and himself. 

A queer ____ living in ____ who indulges in fantastical worlds and people a bit too much. [Is that your bio?] 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Notes

Toji, who is loyal to the family, is tasked to protect the sister-in-law, and he believes Isko is a werewolf who wants the sister-in-law dead or gone, but Toji and Isko are hitting the sheets together? 

I don't see the need for the father in the query. Just start with Isko, who has recently become a vampire,  learns that his sister-in-law is coming to his town (with a bodyguard) to study, and plans to stay with Isko.

Something tells me your book needs a lot of work before you start sending off query letters.