The 4th Annual Evil Editor Auction

As usual, some of the items I offered to the Brenda Novak Auction were rejected, and I'm forced to conduct my own auction, which, like Brenda's, will run throughout the month of May.

Here are a few of the items up for bid, just to whet your appetites.







Solid gold Egyptian funerary mask of pharaoh who resembled Evil Editor.

Trust me. Nothing can inspire you to finish that novel like a death mask hanging in front of your computer, especially when that death mask looks a lot like your nemesis, Evil Editor.

One ticket to the Evil Editor Writers Conference on the isle of Crete.

Transportation, food, lodging not included. 

*Evil Editor's appearance at conference subject to availability.



A critique of your application to compete on Hell's Kitchen.

Not every heavy-smoking, loudmouthed emotional wreck makes the cut. Let Evil Editor help you book your personal 3 months of abuse.

*Winning bidder not guaranteed to appear on show.

Pressure washing of one computer keyboard.

Bad enough that dust gets in the cracks between the keys, but if you're a regular at EE's blog, you've probably spewed coffee on the keyboard a few times. Let me get your keyboard looking like new.




 

Name Evil Editor a character in your will.

It's one thing, having to think of all those names for fictional characters in your books. But your will needs names of actual people. I'm talking about people who are going to get your best stuff unless you stop them by specifically leaving that stuff to Evil Editor.




 

Ornate Picture frame with Picasso watercolor of Evil Editor

#27 in Picasso's Evil Editor series.

 Take Evil Editor on a world cruise aboard your yacht.

I promise to do all my barfing over the side if you promise not to bring your unpublished novel aboard.

An evaluation of a tweet.

Once you tweet, you look like a twit if you screwed up. Let Evil Editor turn your twitness into litness.

Box containing numerous books I bought because I liked the authors' first books, only to discover they were one-hit wonders.

Help me create room in my bookcases for other books by authors who started phoning it in after first-book flukes.

Breakfast with Evil Editor's Chiropractor.

Who knows? Maybe EE will show up and join you!


*EE unlikely to join you.

The Evil Editor Kaleidoscopic-Image Area Rug

Give your living room a touch of sophistication and a splash of color.

*EE not responsible for rug burns resulting from spontaneous love-making sessions.

One Marine mammal.

Dolphin or whale.

*Our choice.

Bubble Bath with Evil Editor.

Nothing beats a soothing, relaxing bubble bath. Unless it's a soothing, relaxing bubble bath with your secret crush.

The 3rd Annual Evil Editor Charity Auction

Each year Evil Editor holds a charity auction in conjunction with the Brenda Novak Online Auction for Diabetes Research, which begins on May 1. Although I provide numerous items to the Brenda Novak auction, there are always a few that they decline or that I feel are inappropriate for them. Here's an advance look at items I'll be offering this year in the Evil Editor Auction.




Name a character in your book Evil Editor

Change the name of any character in your book, whether it be a murder mystery, a horror/slasher book, or a historical romance, to Evil Editor! (No lit-fic, please.)




An Evaluation of Your Book's Title

Evil Editor will run your book's title by his minions, who will explain that it doesn't make them want to pick up the book, has been used by too many other authors, or simply sucks--but that it doesn't matter because the publisher will change it anyway.



Wake Up With Jesus

Get a good night's sleep for a change, knowing Jesus will be in your bed when you wake up. Evil Editor will arrange for Jesus (or someone resembling Jesus) to be in your bed when you wake up.


Reminisce about Evil Editor over Lunch

You and one other person will meet for lunch at a restaurant of your choosing and have a lively conversation about Evil Editor. Share your impressions, brag about your contributions to the blog, enjoy a hearty meal.

Transportation, meal and gratuity are the responsibility of the winning bidders.


An Evaluation of Your Font

Used to be courier was the default. Then Times muscled in. Now anything readable goes, but you are the worst person to decide if a font you love is readable. And Evil Editor is the best.



Take Evil Jr. to Dinner

You get to grill Evil Jr. about EE while treating him to dinner at his favorite grille.

Evil Jr. guaranteed to show up, but not to be truthful.




ARC of the Covenant

An Advance Rapture Coffer for those who want a look at what awaits. Winning bidder opens at their own risk.




An Evaluation of Your First Word

by Evil Editor, the world's most famous editor. EE has rejected more manuscripts after the 1st word than he can count. Among these first words were "Irregardless," "Eventually," "Bivouac," and "Archau'tnau." Don't risk a 1st-word rejection.

**NOTE: This is an evaluation of your work, not a complete line edit. Winning this read does not guarantee a sale.



The Filling of Two Plot Holes

The last thing your career needs is some snarky book reviewer saying your romance novel has plot holes the size of Hudson Bay. Evil Editor will fill in any two plot holes in one of your novels.

No novelizations of summer blockbuster movies, please.


Click label below for a look at previous years' auction items.

The 2nd Annual Evil Editor Charity Auction

The Brenda Noval Auction for Diabetes Research doesn't begin until May 1, but already hundreds of items and services are posted at the auction site, including several from Evil Editor. Some of Evil Editor's offerings have been rejected by the auction powers that be, and thus EE will once again run his own auction simultaneously with the Brenda Novak auction. If you have other suggestions for possible Evil Editor offerings, submit them as comments. I may add a few of them to the list. 

  Four Reams of Evil Editor's Scented Manuscript Paper They say smell is the sense that brings forth the strongest emotional reactions. Of course you would never dip your manuscript in perfume before submitting it, but Evil Editor's scented manuscript paper has a faint aroma that won't be noticed until it reacts with the editor's skin oils and begins wafting toward his nostrils halfway through your pages. You get four reams, one each of lilac, cinnamon, bacon and new car.

Evaluation of a Proposal, by Evil Editor Nothing is more likely to send her running in the other direction than a marriage proposal filled with vagueness, adverbs, and misuse of the word "literally." Run your spiel past the world's most famous editor for a complete line edit. Ring not included.

Evil Editor's Junk Evil Editor recently cleaned out his junk drawers and his attic. Don't miss this rare opportunity to get your hand's on EE's junk.

An Evaluation of Your Name, by Evil Editor You'd like to think your manuscript has never been rejected just because an editor thought your name was boring, forgettable, blah. Don't be so naive. Let Evil Editor do a complete line edit of your name, and suggest three noms de plume, at least one of which will include a middle name.

An Evaluation of Your Pie Recipe. Send Evil Editor your pie, Fed-Ex, overnight. EE will provide a critique within 48 hours.

A Complete House- keeping Critique, by Evil Editor EE will move into your home and critique your housekeeping methods, including how you fold your T-shirts, how efficiently you store your kitchen utensils, whether your shower needs grout work, and why you vacuum in the wrong direction.

The 1st Annual Evil Editor Charity Auction

After seeing how successful the Brenda Novak Auction is, I've decided to have my own auction. I'm starting small, but if this takes off, I'll have more items next year.


EE in Oil.

Self-portrait. As good as the crap you see in places like the Louvre. By the time your kids inherit it, it'll be worth twenty million.

Current Bid: $220,000
Minimum Bid: $230,000
Reserve not met.







An Evaluation of your First Paragraph

by Agent Hannah Rogers. Does not guarantee representation.

Current Bid: $950
Minimum Bid: $1,000
Reserve met.



The Lindbergh Baby

I've had this fellow in my cellar since 1932. He's really become a drain on me, so maybe someone else can take on the responsibility.

Current Bid: $48,000
Minimum Bid: $50,000
Reserve not met.






Evil Editor's "Throne"

It's like giving up an old friend. I've spent so much time sitting here my ass has worn an impression into the seat. Autographed.

Current Bid: $1140
Minimum Bid: $1240
Reserve not met.






The Gulf of Mexico

I shoulda dumped this a while back. It's a fixer-upper, so you can probably get it dirt cheap.

Current Bid: $8,000
Minimum Bid: $9,000
Reserve met.



Frozen Foot of a Hobo

Right foot.

Current Bid: $20
Minimum Bid: $25
Reserve met.







Everything in Evil Editor's Attic Storage Room

Winning bidder will need to bring a truck, boxes and a few workers. Contents of room includes half ton of unopened slush.

Current Bid: $209
Minimum Bid: $219
Reserve met.





An Evaluation of Your First Sentence

by Evil Editor. More manuscripts get rejected after the first sentence than any other sentence. Find out why no one has ever seen your second sentence.

Current Bid: $800
Minimum Bid: $850
Reserve met.