Tuesday, April 29, 2014

The 4th Annual Evil Editor Auction

As usual, some of the items I offered to the Brenda Novak Auction were rejected, and I'm forced to conduct my own auction, which, like Brenda's, will run throughout the month of May.

Here are a few of the items up for bid, just to whet your appetites.

Solid gold Egyptian funerary mask of pharaoh who resembled Evil Editor.

Trust me. Nothing can inspire you to finish that novel like a death mask hanging in front of your computer, especially when that death mask looks a lot like your nemesis, Evil Editor.

One ticket to the Evil Editor Writers Conference on the isle of Crete.

Transportation, food, lodging not included. 

*Evil Editor's appearance at conference subject to availability.

A critique of your application to compete on Hell's Kitchen.

Not every heavy-smoking, loudmouthed emotional wreck makes the cut. Let Evil Editor help you book your personal 3 months of abuse.

*Winning bidder not guaranteed to appear on show.

Pressure washing of one computer keyboard.

Bad enough that dust gets in the cracks between the keys, but if you're a regular at EE's blog, you've probably spewed coffee on the keyboard a few times. Let me get your keyboard looking like new.


Name Evil Editor a character in your will.

It's one thing, having to think of all those names for fictional characters in your books. But your will needs names of actual people. I'm talking about people who are going to get your best stuff unless you stop them by specifically leaving that stuff to Evil Editor.

Ornate Picture frame with Picasso watercolor of Evil Editor

#27 in Picasso's Evil Editor series.

 Take Evil Editor on a world cruise aboard your yacht.

I promise to do all my barfing over the side if you promise not to bring your unpublished novel aboard.

An evaluation of a tweet.

Once you tweet, you look like a twit if you screwed up. Let Evil Editor turn your twitness into litness.

Box containing numerous books I bought because I liked the authors' first books, only to discover they were one-hit wonders.

Help me create room in my bookcases for other books by authors who started phoning it in after first-book flukes.

Breakfast with Evil Editor's Chiropractor.

Who knows? Maybe EE will show up and join you!

*EE unlikely to join you.

The Evil Editor Kaleidoscopic-Image Area Rug

Give your living room a touch of sophistication and a splash of color.

*EE not responsible for rug burns resulting from spontaneous love-making sessions.

One Marine mammal.

Dolphin or whale.

*Our choice.

Bubble Bath with Evil Editor.

Nothing beats a soothing, relaxing bubble bath. Unless it's a soothing, relaxing bubble bath with your secret crush.


khazar-khum said...

Wow, so many to choose from! How can I pick just one?

Whirlochre said...

I'll go for the bubble bath. What's the strapline for the product?

"Every bubble will burst, like your dreams"?

CavalierdeNuit said...

lolz! I'll take the computer cleaning, bath, and rug. Sounds like a night well spent.