Friday, June 20, 2014

Book "Sale"

Blurb Books, which prints Evil Editor's 8 by 10 full-color books, is running a sale offering 25% off on orders of $100.00 or more. Which means I can order three or more copies of my graphic novel Schliegelman Saves the Universe, which stars Evil Editor as Schliegelman, for $30 each instead of $40. As I have to pay to have them shipped to me and to then ship one to you, I up the price to $40 (including shipping). The book is available only in my store because Amazon is a bunch of mean bullies. Just click on BOOKS in the sidebar. (Also available in hardcover for an extra $10.) (If you're outside the US, email me.)

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Face-Lift 1206

Guess the Plot

The Nexus

1. Time, spirit, space, and temperature have no meaning in . . . The Nexus! Neither do characterization, voice, grammar or spelling.

2. In this multiversial scifi literary romance thriller, a man falls out of a spaceship and is sucked into . . . the Nexus.

3. Only teenager Cole can prevent the genocide of all unintelligent humans. All he has going for him is his own intelligence and a secret weapon known as . . . The Nexus!

4. All across the land, human beings of all stripes are being drawn inexorably from their dwellings to transfer points where they're shifted to other realms. Yes, it's the History of Railroad Stations, but nobody'd buy a book with that title.

5. Seemingly random online strangers find themselves on a serial killer’s potential victim list. Will they discover in time that the  killer is a Grammar Nazi trying to eliminate the biggest online offenders of the English language?

6. Mick and the other sales staff place bets on how many times the jargon-spewing Communications Manager will babble "the nexus" in her weekly seminar. After the seminar, controversy breaks out over whether her use of nexus as a verb counted, and what the hell nexus means anyway.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Seventeen-year-old Cole has a rare gift—intelligence. The Malkum, a former think tank gone rogue, jealously guards their position of power by killing those who might pose a challenge. Cole avoids detection by living among the unintelligent humans, the Indignis. [Over whom do the Malkum have power? What kind of power?]

Cole narrowly escapes death when the Malkum targets him and murders his people. [Who are his people? His family? The people he's hiding among?] He learns of a clandestine rebellion seeking to overthrow the Malkum, and discovers that his intelligence was not an accident of evolution. The rebellion bred him to lead their army against the enemy, sending him to live among the Indignis so he could learn to love those he must later fight to protect. [If the rebellion were intelligent enough to figure out how to breed one really intelligent person, why not breed thousands?]

Resolved to prevent the genocide of the Indignis, [He was originally trying to keep from being killed by hiding among the Indignis. Which makes little sense if there's a genocide of Indignis underway.] [Wait, the Malkum are trying to kill all the intelligent humans and all the unintelligent humans?

Malkum 1: Anyone smart enough to challenge our power must be killed.

Malkum 2: Yes. Then it'll be just us and all the idiots.

Malkum 1: Yes, the idiots . . . The idiots can be so annoying.] he must overcome his self-doubt, escape the crosshairs of the enemy, and convince an unwilling army [If he's counting on the Iraqi army, he's in trouble.] to follow him to the enemy’s gate. [Is only thing protecting this former think tank from the rebellion army a gate? Lucky for them the rebel army are all idiots.]

The rebellion has given Cole a secret weapon, the scope of which must remain hidden from even Cole—the Nexus, a psychological weapon that hides one’s memories from one’s self.

Complete at 95,000 words, THE NEXUS (Science Fiction) combines the empathetic leadership of Orson Scott Card’s Ender Wiggin with mind-altering weaponry reminiscent of Total Recall.


The Malkum is sort of stuck between the intelligent and the unintelligent. Maybe you should call the book Malkum in the Middle.

Have they been waiting 17 years for Cole to be ready to take down the Malkum?

What is the setting? A planet? A country? A city? One former think tank is going to have a limited area it can control, I would think. Do they have an army of their own, or secret weapons?

So this secret weapon will rob the enemy of their memories? And once they forget they're trying to kill everyone, all will be well?

Is Cole's intelligence greater than that of the Malkum? Is he like a superhero, and his superpower is intelligence? Most of the super brains choose to be criminals: Moriarty, Doctor Doom, Brainiac, Lex Luthor, Goldfinger.

Maybe we should lose the setup and start: Seventeen-year-old Cole has been bred as the savior of the Indignis, idiots ruled by the super-intelligent Malkum. That leaves plenty of room to tell us what Cole's plan is, what obstacles cause his plan to go awry, what he does about it, what will happen if he fails. In other words, we want the story, not the situation.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Face-Lift 1205

Guess the Plot

Battleground: Jet

1. The last thing Jerry expects when he books his flight to Vegas is that two different terrorist groups will have teams aboard the plane trying to bring it down. Or that the winners of the national mixed martial arts championships would also be aboard, heading home from their White House visit.

2. Klarissa thinks her jet black eyeliner is sexier than Marissa's kohl eyeliner. When Marissa shows up at the school dance with the new jet kohl eyeliner, and Klarissa's crush, the fight is on! And where did all the werewolves wearing the newest jet black kohl eyeliner come from?

3. Jason has big hopes for his new game, Battleground:Jet. Dreaming of millions and a life of leisure, he releases it to adoring fans who swoon with joy over the high-tech game. But there's just one problem: All his fans are girls. Girls playing an air combat game? Yuck! Now what will he do? And will he have to leave the basement to do it?

4. Fourteen-year-old Jet enters the BattleGround Games hoping to become champion of the solar system. If he wins, he gets fame and fortune. If he loses, billions of people die; and you don't even want to know what happens to Uranus.

5. Hades' Devilspawniest EVUH gather to argue the toss over PERSONAL EVIL. Only one will make Apocalypse Academy. And RULE. Will Yellerpants Kindasatany Lite make the grade? Or will the "Jet Black Persona" Clause precipitate foiled fiend oblivion?

Original Version

(Hi, thank you for doing this! In addition to the query, I'm concerned about whether such an anime-style plot is sellable to the Western market. Can I get away with a story like this?) [I can't tell if you're afraid Westerners are too sophisticated to buy into the plot, or too stupid to get it. Guess we're about to find out.]

Dear Agent,

The BattleGround Games are the solar system's most popular sport. Competitors use advanced technological and magical "upgrades" to fight their opponents [It's like the Olympics, except you can cheat.] on areas that vary from abandoned cities to entire planets on the edge of the system. [Is this our solar system?] [If so, the planets on the edge of the system are Neptune and Uranus. No one cares about Neptune, but I hope the technological upgrades allowed to competitors from Uranus don't include noxious gas bombs.]

Fourteen-year-old Jet dreams of competing in the Games, and after a chance encounter with a disgraced former Battler, [He was disgraced for using advanced technological upgrades that were a little too advanced. I mean it's one thing for Oscar Pistorius to wear springy blades, but this guy blew the field away in the marathon by using a motorcycle.] [It would be cool to see an Olympic high jumper come out wearing a jet pack. There may not be a rule specifically prohibiting jet packs.] [I still can't believe they let Michael Phelps get away with wearing swim fins in the London Olympics.] it seems he might just get his chance. He does well in his first few games, and befriends a cheerful mechanic named Caera, who agrees to help him [A mechanic? Wait, is Jet a robot?] [How did he do so well before he had a mechanic? A Battler without a mechanic is like a Torturer without a thumbscrew, as the old saying goes.] during what she expects to be a short Battler career.

Jet finds a rival in the mysterious Lancer, an earth-born girl who doesn't seem to care for the fame and fortune that motivates most of the players. [Is Jet earth-born?] While investigating her origins, [To confirm that she wasn't actually born on Krypton.] Jet discovers a plot to rig the games -- a plot that would destroy several planets and kill billions of people, all live on TV. [To put that on a smaller scale, it's like the Jamaican bobsled team nuking every other bobsledding country so they can win Olympic gold.] In order to save the solar system, Jet has to win the Games and expose the cheaters. ["Cheaters" is a rather mild term to use for those plotting to kill billions of people.] But that's easier said than done, especially when he realizes that everyone around him has secrets, and no one is completely trustworthy.

BATTLEGROUND: JET is a YA science fantasy novel complete at 60,000 words. It is a self-contained novel, but has potential for a series. Thank you for your consideration.



I would label this Middle Grade rather than YA. Jet's a bit young for YA, and while you could make him 17 instead of 14, I think you'll find most people would rather the fate of the solar system were in the hands of Ender Wiggin than Ferris Bueller.

I would like a better idea of what the BattleGround Games are. If it's one sport, like the World Cup, what's it like? If it's more like the Olympics, what's Jet's event? A query for The Hunger Games would tell more about the games than that competitors can use a variety of weapons.

Are the villains willing to destroy planets and kill billions just to win the Games? Or is there an ulterior motive?

Is it normal for Battlers to investigate their opponents' origins? If so, why?

I'm not sure what makes this plot "anime-style," but I can see it appealing to kids.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Face-Lift 1204

Guess the Plot

The Downwinders' Secret

1. Seth Thomas Bulova's life-long fascination with horology led to his creation of a watch movement that could control time itself, simply by winding it backwards! Unfortunately, his discovery remained known but to him because no one knew what "winding a watch" meant anymore.

2. Everyone in town knows where Bleu is, at any given moment. You have to, if you want to live. Bleu’s renowned for his ability to cut one loose, to let her rip, to cut the cheese; and if you’re in the flight path, your life isn’t worth a toot. So they rigged the whole town to revolve, at a moments notice. Naturally, it was gas powered. Then the machinery broke. Also, fans. Lots of really big ones. And miles of extension cords.

3. Val owns a strip club that features windup women instead of real ones, and none of his patrons can tell the difference. When Marta, the only woman who knows how to wind the women down, is murdered, can Val figure out her secret to save his growing business?

4. Josh and Janet Downwinder buy the Barnett Funeral Home. They offer full services including headstones, burial service, and cremation. One day the police exhume a body previously declared as a suicide. The coffin contains bones but not human bones. They check cremated remains and find those, too, are not human. What happened to the human remains?

5. Suppose your great grandfather lived downwind from a nuclear test site in the 50s. Suppose he was later experimented on by a scientist using alien genetic material from Roswell, which gave him interesting powers. Suppose those powers were passed down to you on your 16th birthday. Could you bring down a secret military installation and save all the children in town? Okay, but what if you had a ghost helping you? 

6. When Johnny's dad decides his son is ready to hunt--it's time to load up the pickup with camo, shotguns and shells. It's killing time! The trick to a successful hunt is a sensitive nose and never walk upwind of the bean eaters. Bush's beans is excellent bait and a downwinder's secret for a good kill.

7. Aedan was a handsome enough lad, if a little thick. But he did have talent. He could cause the bearings on a self-winding wristwatch to freeze up, just by looking at it. Fishing reels were known to explode into an infinity of snarls, whenever he walked by. And every time he went to a game, baseball pitchers collapsed into quivering blobs of emotion before they could even release the ball towards the plate. Now if he could only figure a way to cash in on his power.

8. A lad from County Down wanted to throw a Frisbee around with his dad. His dad threw the Frisbee with the wind, and way too far. By the time the lad had returned, his dad was gone. The only things he’d left behind were a weather vane, and some moth-eaten sweaters. What was the Downwinders Secret? (And could it possibly be any more boring?)

9. In occupied France, a small band of resistance fighters, the Downwinders, using a device to intercept Nazi communications, discover that the Furher himself will be traveling through Alsace. An assassination mission will surely be a suicide mission, but Marcel is willing to take that risk. But when some of their band are captured, can he trust that they'll keep their secret?

Original Version

Dear Evil Agent:

I am currently seeking representation for my 80,000 word YA supernatural thriller, The Downwinders' Secret. The minute Charlie Pierce turns sixteen, strange things begin to happen. [How strange?] Really strange. [Such as?] A grueling run that normally takes her ten minutes only takes her two. [That's what happened to the Flash. Except there was a perfectly logical reason the Flash gained the ability to run impossibly fast. Turning sixteen doesn't do it for me.] She pulls an unconscious boy out of the local reservoir and revives him only to find out he drowned there over a hundred years ago. [At last his parents can get closure.] A Basque Goddess no one even remembers anymore shows up to warn her that the children of her town are in grave danger. [How does that go?

Charlie: What the--? Who are you?

Goddess: I'm a Basque Goddess.

Charlie: Which Basque Goddess?

Goddess: One of the more obscure ones. You wouldn't remember me. I came to tell you the children of your town are in grave danger. 

Charlie: As it happens, I'm one of the children of this town. Luckily I recently developed the ability to run a marathon in five minutes. See ya.]

And the man she's thought was her father her whole life commits suicide and tells her [--in his suicide note--that] she's part of some freaky government experiment – in a note. [Does Charlie have the power to bring the dead back to life? If not, does she have any power besides fleeing really fast?]

Above ground nuclear testing was a real threat to the lives of and well being of those living in Utah, Nevada, Arizona and New Mexico in the '40s and '50s. The wind blew radioactive fallout for hundreds of miles. Those unlucky enough to be in its path were called “Downwinders”. The government first denied conducting tests, then denied the possibility that the tests could be causing health problems, for decades. After years of court battles, they finally were forced to take responsibility. [What's going on? You need to focus on Charlie.] In Williams, Arizona, the setting for this story, there are still flyers in the local clinic offering free testing and medical care for Downwinder families.

It turns out that at [the] same time the nuclear testing was going on a renegade scientist stole genetic material he obtained from the investigation at Roswell New Mexico and used it to experiment on a bunch of hapless privates at the local army base. Charlie's great-grandfather, among others. It made him immune to the effects of the nuclear testing, [The whole second paragraph was an info-dump about the nuclear testing, and now you tell us the great grandfather was immune? Skip the fallout and jump to the aliens.] and also gave him some interesting abilities. Which he passed down. Turns out, there were five other local young men who were also experimented on. They formed a secret society. The Downwinders. It's been under Charlie's nose all along, just waiting for her to see. [Odd that they would call themselves the Downwinders when, of the thousands of actual downwinders, these six are the ones who were immune to the effects of being downwind.]

Now it's up to Charlie, her friends, a hundred year old ghost, and their great grandparents to defeat a secret military installation, a heartless doctor and figure out their own powers in time to save the town's children. All without letting anyone know they're part alien, of course.

Thanks for your time and consideration. I would be happy to send you sample chapters or the full manuscript at your request.


I expect some backstory in a query, but I expect it to be backstory about the main character, not her great grandfather.

You suggest that the man Charlie thought was her father wasn't really her father. Where's her father? If you're gonna pass "abilities" on to your daughter, you might at least stick around to help her learn to control them. If he's dead, why isn't Charlie in the care of her mother or her grandparents or her great grandparents or a foster family instead of this imposter?

Who is this guy who's been posing as Charlie's father all these years? Seems like after volunteering to raise the real father's kid, he could wait till she's gone off to college before killing himself. Or at least inform Charlie's living relatives that he's checking out.

It seems kind of odd that you put so much effort into providing a scientific basis for Charlie's powers in a world that includes ghosts and goddesses. Does this goddess do anything besides warn Charlie about the grave danger? Does she elaborate on what the danger is? Why can't the goddess save the children? Do we really need a long-forgotten Basque Goddess in this story?

You waste two paragraphs explaining how Charlie got her powers. You could have told us in the first sentence: Thanks to a government experiment involving alien genetic material, Charlie Pierce's great grandfather developed interesting powers, powers which have now been passed down to Charlie. That leaves plenty of room to tell us what Charlie's powers are, what's threatening the children, why Charlie and company need to take down this modern-day secret military installation, how they plan to do this, what happens if they fail...

Strange that I'm willing to buy the idea that having alien genetic material passed on to you can give you amazing powers, but not that those powers would remain dormant sixteen years and then appear on your birthday.

Thursday, June 05, 2014

Face-Lift 1203

Guess the Plot

The Art of Blending In

1. A Vita-Mix cookbook for the serial killer in us all. Hilarity ensues.

2. Misfit Leland just doesn't fit in with the popular crowd. Adam tries to help him blend in, but Leland likes his individuality. Somehow these opposites develop a friendship that lasts long after they both want want it to end.

3. Angeleno Aliby Jackson had no idea that the man who ran in front of her Prius was a major player in a Mexican drug cartel. She's had to ditch the Prius, the place near Malibu, cut her hair and go--to Marion, Iowa. Can her hunky police protector Jay make up for going from assistant stylist's aide to coordinator of the 'Swamp Fox Festival'?

4. Fake up a bodysuit, dye it red, add horns and tail; steal a pitchfork and a bottle of eau de rotten egg; and next time TAKE THE LEFT TURN AT ALBUQUERQUE. Also, Satan.

5. Julia had a spatula… and she knew how to use it. Taking a page from a certain brutish barber, she chopped up her rivals on the food network and turned them into light and fluffy confectionery treats. The trick was all in how you added the ingredients. There was a knack, or rather, an…ART OF BLENDING IN.

6. I'm a private eye. I make my living tailing cheating spouses and white-collar criminals. You think it's easy not getting made when the person you're following is paranoid about being followed? You gotta blend into the crowd. It's an art. This is my story.

7. Art had been a line chef for six years to the pompous, credit hogging Master Chef Kral Ramset. Stir, stir, stir. That's all he ever did. And beat. If Kral asked him to beat one more piece of Kral's rubbery old meat, Art had half a mind to beat him, instead. That is, until Kral turned up dead one night in the kitchen, his head bashed in with Art's knobby wooden steak mallet. Now it was up to Art to blend in and avoid the cops until he could find out who the real killer was -- or get sent to the stir for good.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Leland Blakely is a loner, an outcast, and a complete misfit. Everyone at school knows that. After all, if he wants friends, why doesn't he try to get to know people? [That makes more sense if you just call him a loner; outcasts and misfits may well want friends.]

When Adam Fargis reads Leland's journal, [Without permission, I assume?] he expects to find pages of rants against the popular kids. Instead, he finds accounts of how Leland actually did try to make friends and get involved in something -- anything. But each plan is labeled a failure, with reasons such as "shyness" or "I blew it [," or "I never shoulda told them about my aspirations to be a suicide bomber]."

Now that he knows Leland isn't the bitter crybaby everyone thinks he is, [Where did anyone get the idea he's a bitter crybaby? What has he been crying about?] Adam is determined to help him out. He and his childhood friend Katrina befriend Leland, and the three of them try "normal people" things: an afternoon at a coffee shop, [That's normal for school kids? I'd go with the mall.] a video game tournament, even tryouts for their school football team. [Katrina tries out for the football team?]

Adam's goal is just to find a place where Leland can fit in. [Preferably a place Adam never goes so he can be rid of this loser.] Leland, on the other hand, seems very comfortable where he is now. Adam must decide whether to continue this friendship as it is, or reveal his ulterior motives [His motive is to help Leland fit in. What are his ulterior motives? The term suggests that Adam wants something out of this relationship that he's kept hidden from Leland so far. Like a date with Leland's hot sister.] just to get Leland off his back. [To get Leland off Adam's back? We need a stronger clue that Leland is an annoyance to Adam. If anything, it's been suggested that Leland would be happier with Adam off his back.]

THE ART OF BLENDING IN is a contemporary young adult novel complete at 60,000 words. The full manuscript is available for request. Thank you for your consideration. [I would consider changing it from blending in to fitting in. Fitting in means being accepted as part of the gang. Blending in suggests not wanting to be noticed, which may be true of some of those who fit in, but not most of them.]


(Not part of the query: the title comes from a conversation Adam and Leland have, where Adam is arguing that it is possible to blend in without losing your individuality. Leland replies that anyone who could do that is a natural con artist.)


This works if Leland is a werewolf, but you should probably mention that in the query.

Choose a main character and focus on his problem and what he does about it. If the MC is Leland, the problem is either that he has no friends and wants some or that he is happy where he is now but Adam keeps butting into his life. If the MC is Adam, the problem is either that he feels sorry for Leland and wants to help, or that he can't get rid of Leland now that he's befriended him.

You can probably set up the conflict in three or four sentences. Then you need to tell us what happens. Does something bad happen to someone? Is there a villain? We have the characters, now we need a story to go with them.

Wednesday, June 04, 2014

Face-Lift 1202

Guess the Plot

Pretty Bird

1. His basketball playing career over, Larry Bird returns home to Indiana where he philosophizes on love, life, and what to do about Lance Stephenson.

2. When two twelve-year-old boys break into a pet store at night and release all the dogs from their cages, they think no one will suspect them. But they didn't count on Chester the parrot repeating everything they said in the store. To the cops.

3. Carmen the toucan pines for her home and family in the Amazon rainforest from her cage in the suburbs, shedding her feathers with stress. Ruby the Siamese has no ambition other than to open the cage and get a snack. Timmy doesn't care what happens as long as he can harass Ruby. Can Carmen manipulate the four-legged ones and secure her release before the human on-sells her to the taxidermist?

4. A parrot is loose in Elsa's luxury apartment building. It flies into the ritzy steak house next door, lands on someone's shoulder, and poops on the floor. Everyone watches the parrot get stabbed to death by a masked man in black. It's the Pretty Bird killer again!

5. When Pretty Bird shows up in the village, Hungry Crow is entranced. But before he even has one date with her, she's murdered. With no detective skills, Hungry Crow's only hope of solving the crime is to get a shaman to bring Pretty Bird back to life so he can ask her who murdered her.

6. She was a pretty bird; most birds were. But there was more to life than just being pretty. What about fulfillment, and romance? What about that studly cock next door? With him at her side she’d be the top biddy in the barnyard. And that ain’t chicken feed…

Original Version

When Pretty Bird came to the village, all the people loved her. The young men tried to woo her with gifts of game, corn, [Pretty Bird, I brought you this dead moose and 3 ears of corn. Now will you date me?] jewelry or moccassins, [moccasins] but she ignored them. Instead she remained a modest, quiet [boring] young woman who seemed to keep to herself. ["Seemed" meaning she wasn't really keeping to herself?]

Black Elk, a hunter, and Hungry Crow, a young man, both have eyes for her. [I suspect everyone in the tribe does some hunting, and "a young man" tells us nothing new, as you've already said it was the young men who were wooing her, so drop the descriptors.] One night Black Elk meets with her and an affair starts. But while he is off hunting, someone murders Pretty Bird. [I see no reason the first paragraph needs to be in past tense. For that matter, I see no reason we can't dump the first paragraph and open: Black Elk and Hungry Crow both have eyes for Pretty Bird, the modest, quiet woman who just moved into their village.]

Hungry Crow wants to find out who killed the beautiful young woman, so he follows eagles, visions and the Road to see a cacique, a shaman-chief, who can help. He is given the things [A less-vague word like "spells" or "talismans" would be better than "things." Or you could be truly specific and say The cacique gives him a buffalo ear, an eagle feather and some corn, along with instructions on how to restore....] necessary to restore Pretty Bird to life. Will this bring him love--or will he unleash a great horror? [If our goal is to sell books, I recommend unleashing the great horror.]

Drawing from archeology, Puebloean folklore, and my own experiences in the Southwest, "Pretty Bird: A Tale of Mesa Verde" is a novella. It will appeal to those with an interest in our Southwestern heritage.

Sample chapters are attached. Thank you!

Note--the people of Mesa Verde were the ancestors of the people living in various Pueblos today. They do not call themselves 'Anasazi', because that means 'ancient enemy'. The Navaho who drove them from their lands call them that, and unfortunately archeology does, too. Modern Pueblo Indians find the word insulting. [Whether that's a note to EE or part of the query, it feels weird insofar as the term "Anasazi" hasn't been mentioned.] [Also, there must be a reason spellcheck has twice let you get away with spelling archaeology without the second "a," but I'd go with the more common (in the US, at least) spelling.]


Where did Pretty Bird come from? She just shows up alone one day, moves in, and ignores everyone? Did such things happen in this culture?

If it were Black Elk trying to find out who killed Pretty Bird, then we would have a potential suspect in Hungry Crow. But with Hungry Crow investigating the murder that was committed while Black Elk was off hunting, we have nothing. Why isn't Black Elk the one trying to solve the murder? He's the one who finally won Pretty Bird's heart. Or was it just a one-night stand?

"Hungry Crow" sounds like an insulting name. Not as insulting as "Anasazi," but still...

On the other hand, Hungry Crow sounds like the main character. Do we even need Black Elk in the query? We could just open: When Hungry Crow's latest crush Pretty Bird is murdered, he consults a shaman, who shows him how to bring his true love back to life but also warns him that she could come back as a fire-breathing wolverine.

If you don't want to go the horror route, you could make this the start of a mystery series with Hungry Crow as your detective. He solves crimes with his amazing tracking skills. And he has a French sidekick named Hercule Pueblo.

What we need is more plot details. Does Hungry Crow try the shaman's method? What goes wrong? What does he do about it? Is someone trying to obstruct the "investigation"? Did anyone have a motive for murdering Pretty Bird?

Monday, June 02, 2014

Confession 3

Public Confessor
I'm a serial killer.

Okay, I know that sounds bad, but that's because we get a lot of bad press. Plus, there are so many TV shows trying to make their serial killers more creatively insane than the serial killers on other TV shows (You've got Criminal Minds, Those Who Kill, Hannibal, Dexter, and I could go on and on) that you could get the impression all serial killers are geniuses.

Anyway, I'm like Dexter in that I try to only kill other serial killers, so you could say I'm one of the good guys. True, unlike Dexter, I don't have access to police records to help me determine who's truly bad, so I have to go on instinct. If someone strikes me as a possible serial killer, I don't ask questions. I take him out. If I've been right even a third of the time, I figure I've saved more innocent lives than I've taken.

By the way, this "Public Confessor" blog feature is like going to confession in a church, right? Not that I've ever gone to confession, but the rule is you can't reveal anything I say to anyone, right? It's just between you and me and God? Can I trust you? Actually, those muttonchops are rather disturbing. A serial killer would probably grow muttonchops like those.

Penance: You need a vacation somewhere far away, like North Korea. My treat.

Send your true confession as a comment or to