I have decided that before sending the query letter I will send the synopsis to you so you can know the story and help when I write the query letter because you will know the background. Thank you for the patience you have shown with me. Please judge this synopsis and if you don't mind I will send a revised query letter soon. Thank you so much. Its very nice of you to give me the opportunity to improve my writing, query and synopsis.
ZUHAIR is the youngest son of ZORAB. Zorab is king of Azaria, and has two older sons other than Zuhair.
Zuhair is in the city of Katraden, a part of Azaria but with some cultural differences. Here a seer reveals a rebellion has taken place in the capital of Azaria and Zorab is trapped in the castle by a cult. Only Zuhair can and wants to free his father because the commanders of the army are trapped with Zorab in the castle and the armies of Azaria [are] confused and disorganized. GHORIL, eldest son of Zorab is trapped in the same castle but the second son FRAJOR is in the capital near the castle and is plotting to take the throne. Frajor waits patiently for [after] the cult to kill[s] his father and brother.
In Katraden, the local count JAAGA offers support and Zuhair leads an army from the city to defeat the cult. They march through the countryside but are spotted by a team of Azarian spies who believe they are rebels from Katraden taking advantage of the cults [cult's] rebellion to invade Azaria. This misconception is caused because the troops wear the clothing of Katraden and the soldiers talk in their language. Katraden is also distrusted by common Azarians. The spies manage to relay this information to Zorab after creating a diversion in the cult camp in the capital, fighting a vicious battle with the cultists surrounding the gate and racing towards the castle gates later.
Meanwhile some of the Katraden soldiers show hesitation to obey Zuhair's orders and instead look to Jaaga for instructions. However when they clear a city on the way to the Azarian capital, fighting together, they begin to respect Zuhair. In this city Zuhair augments his army with troops provided by local commanders and nobles. Jaaga plays a hefty role in convincing the selfish and power hungry nobles to fight and join their army to free the capital. The army is now a joint Azarian-Katraden force.
After fighting a major battle with the cult in the capital, Zuhair ends the blockade of the royal castle and crushes the cult. But distrust sparks when the archers and siege engines at the walls of Zorab's castle shower Zuhair and Jaaga's joint army with arrows and siege ammunition, some of which kills Katraden soldiers as they come nearer to the castle. The archers firing at Zuhair's men have been provided information [informed] by the spies that their [approaching] army wants to take Azaria rather than save it and they do not know Zuhair is part of it. The situation is tense and Katraden soldiers suspect they have been led into a trap. But Zuhair personally goes with his banner to edge of the walls under a hail of arrow fire. Zorab recognizes him and his banner and opens the gate, eventually welcoming Zuhair, Jaaga and his senior commanders with a lavish feast.
The spies are exiled for providing incorrect intelligence. But Frajor is frustrated because the cult failed to kill his father and brothers. He successfully poisons Zorab and tries to poison the two prince's [princes] in a bid to rule the kingdom himself. Although he escapes suspicion by murdering his own man, responsible for poisoning the king upon his instructions, he now has to be careful though he has intentions of slaying the princes too.
Ghoril is crowned the new king of Azaria in a ceremony. Zuhair is the first to take an oath to defend him and nobles and commanders follow suit.
1) Should I include the fact that Tavulun has recently crushed a rebellion north of his territory and seeks to invade Azaria? He is eventually stopped by an invasion from his west and his attention is diverted. No.
2) I have changed the storyline and though Frajor will be caught for killing the king it will happen in the second book. You told me to focus more on the family dynamics in the query letter. However the story has changed because I have expanded the book into two books.
3) Should I mention the cult in the query letter? The problem is almost 3/5th of the book focuses on the fight with the cult. Thus it is an important part of the query. You said I should mention rebels instead of cultists but shouldn't I be specific? Because another rebellion is being planned in the northwest and will be there in the second book. I consider rebels more likely to succeed in entering a castle and subduing soldiers than a cult would be, but I guess it depends on how you define a cult in this world. If you call them a cult in the book, yes you should call them that in the query.
4) Ghoril while he is trapped in the castle leads a group of his royal bodyguard on a suicide mission to fight the cult which can get him killed. His recklessness loses him the respect of Zorab and his council, which is trapped in the castle with him. Should this be included? No.
5) Before Zorab, the king is poisoned he writes a document declaring Zuhair will be heir instead of Ghoril because of his heroics in defeating the cult and Ghoril's equal recklessness. The entire council of Zorab wants Zuhair to be heir and he acts on their advice though he does not have time to tell anyone he has made the decision. But Zorab is poisoned by Frajor before he can enforce the order. However the document is lying on his study table. Ghoril comes to this table when he is searching for information on who poisoned Zorab and burns the document so that no one suspects he is no longer heir. Should all of this be mentioned? Depends on how long a synopsis you are writing. All we need to know is that the king chose Zuhair, but died without telling anyone.
6) The ending is not optimistic. Is that a problem? But I intend to write a second novel and a third one based on the same kingdom. The second one too will not have an optimistic ending though the third one might. You can't assume that you will be able to sell three books. Thus this book needs an ending that feels like an ending. Leaving some loose ends to be resolved later is okay, but this book should stand on its own. That doesn't mean it must be optimistic, but I don't recommend ending with a sense of hopelessness.
I've attempted to trim the synopsis, but the missing words, wordiness, punctuation errors and some missing commas will not be your friend when trying to convince an agent to represent your book.