Face-Lift 1324

Guess the Plot

Desert Gold

1. Following a recipe with a few typos, a famous chef embarks upon an odyssey that will ensure he wins the international cooking Olympics. Pay no attention to the hungry jhinn. 

2. After crash landing in the middle of the desert, Will isn't sure how thankful he is to be alive. While he may have miraculously survived without a scratch, any other supplies did not. Now he must make his way through this wasteland searching for something more precious than gold: water. 

3. They say water is worth more than diamonds in the desert, but when Mob runs out of water while traveling endless sands under the blistering sun his pee may be . . . desert gold. 

4. To escape a forced marriage, Rajani crosses a desert, ending up in an abandoned city where she--WHOA! Giant insects suddenly burst from the ground, insects so big they could kill humans, but insects that also have a secret hoard of gold Rajani could use to buy her freedom from those who would enslave her, not knowing she's actually a princess.

5. Specially created from six different types of the finest Belgian chocolate clubbed with a tinge of orange, raspberry, and acai, laced with champagne caviar, handcrafted in the style of Faberge Eggs, sprinkled with edible gold leaf and topped with a two karat diamond…oh wait, you said desert gold….

6. One-time champion palomino Tennessee walker Desert Gold is now alone, neglected and forgotten in an overgrown field. Can he convince 13 year old Megan that he's worth rehabbing?



Original Version

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for Desert Gold, a young adult fantasy novel complete at 82,000 words.

Seventeen year old Princess Rajani goes on the run to escape a forced marriage to the man she suspects killed her father. [Killing his fiancée's father: not the best way to demonstrate his commitment to the marriage. Unless it was her idea.] Disguised as one of the guards, she hides amid a caravan traveling across the dessert 

Caravan traveling across the dessert

to the capital where she plans to petition city officials for amnesty, request their support in solving her father’s murder, [Aren't there any local authorities to investigate this murder?] and prevent the unwanted nuptials. [I tend to think of a princess as a member of the ruling family in a monarchy. I wouldn't expect them to bring their legal affairs before city officials, especially if it's not the city they live in.]

The caravan finds the city deserted save for a militant squad of men from the north. They claim not to know why the city has been abandoned but further discussion is interrupted as a swarm of giant insects bursts from the ground. ["Giant insects" could mean insects the size of rats or insects the size of Buicks.] 

In the confusion, Rajani is gravely wounded. She awakens, recovered, in the stronghold of the northerners. Convinced she’s an assassin, the northerners offer her a choice: become a slave or accompany an expedition to track the giant insects to their hoard of gold. [What makes them think insects have a hoard of gold?] [Also, the last person I want tagging along on my expedition is an assassin, especially one I've threatened to enslave.] If the expedition succeeds, she’ll have enough gold to buy her freedom as well as the means to avenge her father. [She'd have to be pretty naive to believe these militants are gonna let her buy her freedom with gold acquired on their expedition. They just want her to carry some of the gold back to their stronghold, after which they'll take it and enslave her.]

Rajani agrees to accompany Anthony, the expedition leader, as his bodyguard. [If I'm hiring a bodyguard because I'm worried about assassins, it's not gonna be someone I'm already convinced is an assassin.] As her feeling [feelings] for him grow, she wonders[colon] if she reveals to him who she truly is, will he still admire her [Why does he admire her?] or ransom her back to her fiancé [If she doesn't trust him not to ransom her, I don't see any upside to telling him who she truly is. Not that he'd believe her anyway.] - that is if the giant insects don’t kill them first?

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,


Notes

Was Princess Rejani's father the king? If so, who's in charge now that he's dead? If it's Rajani or her mother or one of her siblings, it seems like she should be able to get out of this wedding without crossing a desert. Sure, maybe the marriage is supposed to prevent a war, but now that the king is dead, war is inevitable.

Is there evidence that her fiancé murdered her father? Did he have a motive?