Guess the Plot
During her long night shifts working security for the Arclight light bulb manufacturing plant, Emily likes to imagine she's a superhero guarding a secret government technological development facility. Then the superheroes pop up, telling her she's right--except that the Arclight is actually a villainous planet-destroying gamma ray.
When Emily Davis applied to the job board, she didn't expect to get a job right away. Now if only she can figure out what Arclight is before her manager checks up on her.
Original Version
Dear Agent,
The 90,000-word novel, Emily Davis, Guardian of Arclight, is about a teenage protagonist named Emily Davis, and would appeal to fans of YA fantasy books including Powerless by Lauren Roberts and Wings of Starlight by Allison Saft. Emily, who is 17, [If you're gonna tell us her exact age, there's no need to tell us in sentence 1 that she's a teenager. Also, telling us your book is about Emily Davis seems unnecessary after you've told us the title.] tries her best to balance her life as a warrior tasked with protecting the fantasy universe and its citizens as well as [with] her life as a normal teenager in the human world adjusting to the differences between the two worlds. When legendary dark mages, long-thought to be defeated, attack Emily’s school, Starhaven, Emily is tasked with not only protecting her school, but also many other worlds throughout the fantasy universe as an ancient evil awakens and threaten[s] to consume the fantasy universe. [You already said she was tasked with protecting the fantasy universe in the previous sentence. Who is tasking her with this stuff, and when did they first give her these tasks? This is like a guy getting a job as a weatherman and being told his duties are to give the weather report at 6 and 11, and to also prevent hurricanes and tornados . . . on planets in another galaxy.] [I would put your first sentence after the plot summary. Making your first paragraph something like:
Seventeen-year-old Emily Davis is trying to balance her life as a student at Starhaven high school with her life as a warrior protecting Arclight, the fantasy universe, from an ancient evil. Her two worlds collide when legendary dark mages, long-thought to be defeated, attack her school.]
[Note that I guessed what Arclight was; I was thinking, when I saw the title, that it was a magical artifact Emily could hold in her hand, but now I suspect it's an entire universe containing everything from Dorothy's ruby slippers to the Silver Surfer's surfboard.
As Emily embarks on her mission to find the dark mages, [They're in the cafeteria.] she will also cross paths with other denizens of Arclight as well as other malevolent forces who are both aligned and unaligned with the dark mages. As she continues through Arclight’s many worlds, Emily will also face familiar figures that she faced in the past before finally coming face-to-face with one of the terrifying figures who attacked her school.
Unfortunately for Emily, the dark mages will not be the only force in Arclight trying to destroy her world as another evil, a demonic force, arrives to with the intent of destroying everything in its path. Emily will then have to agree to work with former enemies as only a brief alliance between them will be enough to save Arclight before an unstoppable force of destruction returns to the fantasy worlds. Faced with impossible decisions and a growing sense of doom, Emily will continually fight an uphill [battle?] leading to an unknown fate.
I have written as a hobby for years now, and my interest in writing has long stemmed from my enjoyment reading both fantasy and sci-fi.
Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Notes
This is mostly general. We want specific information about what happens, not just about who Emily battles.
Emily has too many enemies: legendary dark mages, an ancient evil, malevolent forces, a demonic force, an unstoppable force of destruction. That's in addition to former enemies she must work with and other denizens of Arclight, who may or may not be enemies. Some of those may be the same thing, but you might want to focus on one enemy in the query, so you can get to the plot, which right now sounds like Emily fights this evil force, and then that malevolent force, and then this demonic force . . .
How is this 17-year-old able to take on all of these forces? We need to know what powers she has.
What are these fantasy worlds? Are they on Earth, like Oz and Metropolis? Might Emily meet Frodo and Gandalf and Daenerys? In other words, are they worlds from known fantasy stories, or worlds populated by characters you made up? How does Emily get to them? Is she the only one who can?
Why are legendary dark mages attacking a school on Earth? What do they stand to gain?
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