Friday, January 04, 2008
Guess the Plot
1. A political candidate wins election on the slogan, "I'm a unificaterer, not a divider-upper." But only after the vote does the populace find out that unification means homogenization by brutal genetic cleansing.
2. Osha is one of the "people of the lion." She's also a soulless killer who deserves to die. So why will no one kill her? Do they actually like her blood-colored skin? What's a girl gotta do to get treated like the criminal she is?
3. With the passage of a previously unknown comet, mutation gives rise to the dawning of a new age in evolution as Thapanre the Bloodlion, part lion, part vampire, unleashes his tormented genes upon the world.
4. When Friday night's ballots are counted, will suave bartender Dean Kozlov win the coveted Smirnoff Cup with secret formula #8Y4, aka the "bloodlion"? Or will his kneecaps get broken Thursday by his chief competitor, Vigo the Terrible?
5. King Leo's lineage is called into question when a mysterious prophet arrives from the Outer Lands, dressed in a lion skin dyed deep red with the blood of poisonous snakes. Can the monarch find the lost magic that will bring out the werelion in his ancestry in time to save his throne . . . and the kingdom with it?
6. When nutritionist Jane Hardy moves to Littleville with her eight children, she thinks it's a friendly place. Too bad the town is haunted by Bloodlion, a monster that feeds on lost dogs and children who stray into the woods. Days later Timmy is missing, the truth is out, and vengeful Jane decides to poison the beast with cheeseburgers, despite the protests of vegan farmer Brad Dungaree.
Dear Evil Editor,
Thanks for your blog, I enjoy it immensely. I'm not actually seeking representation for my 100,000-word fantasy novel, Bloodlion, [Interesting. Is this reverse psychology?
You: I don't want representation, my book stinks, and I have no interest in hearing back from you.
Agent: I won't take no for an answer. Your contract is in the mail.]
(and since this is supposed to be for entertainment anyway, the only reason to say that is to pretend it's a real query opening), but I thought I'd try to ease the holiday lull. [I certainly hope the rest of the query makes more sense than whatever that was.]
When a merchant catches her and sells her to the authorities, [Catches her doing what?] Osha thinks she might finally get the justice she deserves. But the mage-aristocrats who bought her don't seem inclined to execute her. And she knows they should, either for her mother's Lnethki blood, which makes her a predator, or for her wild magic, which has killed any number of people.
[Merchant: I've captured Osha, the notorious serial killer.
Authorities: Great, we'll take it from here.
Merchant: Not so fast. I'll sell her to you for 5000 Jikyls.]
Instead, they claim they want to help her, supposedly on account of the wild magic. Ramye, her assigned teacher, insists on treating her like a human being despite her uncivilized and sometimes violent behavior. At least one person sees her as the soulless killer she is. Taiph, a young man with a grudge against the Lnethki people, makes every effort to get her kicked out, [Of what?] but never quite has the daring to do anything to her himself. Good thing no one realizes she's only half-Lnethki, or they'd really never punish her. [So she wants to be punished/executed? Has she considered self-flagellation or suicide?]
Killing someone might be the only way to prove what she is to the rest of them, but she has quite enough victims haunting her already, thanks very much. Instead, she tries to provoke Taiph into killing her, but that backfires when he recognizes her humanity and forgives her. [Is he forgiving her for trying to provoke him ("Come on, chicken. Kill me. You don't have the guts to kill me. Taiph. What a stupid name.") or for all the soulless killing she's done?]
Just when she's learning to control the wild magic [You keep using that term. What is wild magic?] and considers the idea that she might actually be human, a full-blooded Lnethki woman shows up. No matter what Ramye and Taiph think of her, Osha can't forget all the brutal reasons she believes her people, including herself, are bloodthirsty predators. And predators are the one thing Osha's never had compunctions against killing.
Thanks for your reading,
[Note: Bloodlion would refer to the Lnethki people's saying that they are the people of the lion, their reddish brown skin (which sometimes looks like dried blood), and Osha's obsession with blood.]
These mage-aristocrats seem pretty wussy for "authorities":
Merchant Fox: Aha, I've captured you, Osha Rabbit!
Osha Rabbit: Okay, you got me, but please, please, please don't turn me over to . . . the authorities.
So she's a soulless killer, and she wants to be executed. Tell us why we should pull for her. Did everyone she killed deserve it?
Forgiving soulless killers on the grounds that they have some humanity in them seems like a dangerous practice.
Instead of Taiph and Ramye, the other characters should be named Fema and Hud.