Thursday, January 24, 2008

Evil Editor's 2nd Annual Oscar Awards Guess-the-Plot Quiz

There Will Be Blood

1. Hilarity ensues when a scheduling error forces the Human Pyramid Society to share convention center space with the American Association of Chainsaw Jugglers.

2. Vampire Joanie thinks she's being stalked by vampire hunters. Little does she know that the weird messages, flowers and phone calls are all from one man--Mark--who appreciates the immortality she gave him with her bite. Hilarity ensues.

3. Race car driver Will Belmonte can never say no to a challenge. So when he is mistaken for ace surgeon Dennis Carraway, Will's natural instinct is to call twin sister Jenny to cover for him on the circuit and go with the flow. Lectures are a breeze, lunch with eager medical students a blast and the nurses know what medicine the patients are supposed to take. But then comes the day that Jenny crashes the car Will should have been racing. Jenny is near death on the operating table and across the hospital the call goes out for the only surgeon who can help: Dennis Carraway. Is this one challenge to many for Will? Only one thing is certain: There will be blood.

4. With her days as a Playboy Playmate coming to an end, Brianna has enrolled at the community college. She's closer to her secret heart-throb, Skip Dillon, but she thought phlebotomy was the study of bumps on the head. She's squeamish, but if she drops the course, she'll lose Skip. Why didn't they tell her that . . . There Will Be Blood?

5. A prospector accidentally strikes oil and becomes rich, rich, rich. But rich isn't good enough. He ruthlessly seeks more and more oil and doesn't care whom he steps on to get it. But when he drills on Eli Sunday's property and tries to cheat Sunday out of his share of the profits, it's only a matter of time before . . . There Will Be Blood.

6. An animal rights activist moves to Chicago and begins looking for work. The only places hiring are the slaughterhouses. When she sees what she's expected to do to innocent animals, she goes berserk, butchering half of management before the police manage to subdue her.

7. A touching coming of age story as single parent John Singletary contends with raising his daughter, and has awkward moments finding the right words with which to explain the changes that will come over her body.

No Country for Old Men

1. The FDA bans Viagra and every man over the age of fifty heads for Canada. Hooters immediately moves its operations to the border. Hilarity ensues.

2. After an old hunter stumbles upon some dead bodies, a stash of heroin and more than $2 million in cash near the Rio Grande, he decides to see how many seedy motels he can stay at before running out of money. Unfortunately, someone else seems to think he has a better use for the money, and the hunter realizes this is . . . No Country for Old Men. Also, frat boys.

3. In 2098, overpopulation and pollution have forced drastic measures upon the world. People must voluntarily report for extermination by age 30. But Frank Miller has other ideas . . . and he's not afraid to try them.

4. When Sunshine Retirement Home decides on a 'lesbian-only' policy, the resident men need to find alternative accommodations. Follow the trials and tribulations of five of these men, as they travel the country in search of the home with the perfect applesauce. Also, odd uses for dentures.

5. After the pandemic, the sorority sisters knew that they held the key to restoring the human race. Holed up in a cabin in Northern Wisconsin, they have made a pact to sacrifice their youthful bodies to the ravages of procreation, for the good of all mankind. Any man wishing to participate must meet certain criteria. This cabin in the woods is . . . No Country For Old Men.

6. The descent into dementia is never pretty. Even less so when it's the President. The Secret Service attempt to keep the President's dignity intact in front of an unwitting populace, but scheming vice-president Victor Brook can't wait for nature to take its course. In the President's wife, Alice, he finds an ally, willing to do anything to preserve her position in the White House. Drugs, sex, murder - Alice is ready, willing and able to do all three - preferably at once.

7. In this 21st century update of the cult classic Logan's Run, a futuristic America has lowered the "legal age" to 21. Upon a citizen's 21st birthday, s/he is taken "drinking" and never seen again. When will these teens get a clue?


1. Juno decides to have sex with a member of her high school's track team. When she gets pregnant, she and her best friend Leah (Olivia Thirlby) decide to take control of the situation by browsing for prospective adoptive parents in the local Pennysaver newspaper. Hilarity ensues.

2. The life of Juno Jenkins, beat poet, actress, junkie, and voice of her generation, is explored in this innovative biopic. Portrayed at various stages of her life by Dakota Fanning, Cate Blanchette, Diane Keaton, Bill Murray and Flipper, the complexity reflects on her work.

3. Mossad agent Ariel Shalom fears that his cover has been blown. Hilarity ensues when he learns that the Puerto Rican guy at the coffee shop has not been saying "Jew, no?" but "You know?" Also, a nymphomaniac who calls herself Juno.

4. Juno is a young, quirky ISP with razor-sharp wit and a penchant for giving her services away for free. But when one of her limited-time offers results in an unexpected server farm crash, she has to decide if she wants to spend the rest of her life replacing hardware, or sell her soul to AOL.

5. A womens' commune in Juno, Alaska is infiltrated by men, desperate to find out why their wives left them. Fitting in is not easy, but with the help of a little judicious make-up and several boxes of tissues, the men achieve their aim. The film unites Dustin Hoffman, John Travolta and Eddie Murphy in a hilarious comedy that's anything but a drag.

6. In this modernization of The Aeneid, Juno is the vengeful mistress from hell, foiling the plans of New York City's new mayor to create a young and vibrant city on its crumbling foundation of corruption, pollution and crime.

7. When Juno the moon goddess is spurned by her husband Jupiter, in favor of a mere mortal, she vows to take revenge on all mortal women by inventing high heels, pantyhose and corsets.

Michael Clayton

1. He was a quiet man. That's what the neighbors said after the cops dug up seventy-four bodies in his cellar. Now Michael Clayton is on the run, and no one in New England is safe. Also, a discount carpet store.

2. The Westhaven Warriors are the worst team in the state. Michael, a gentle, savant retarded man, is recruited to coach. Will his words of wisdom inspire the team to succeed in the cutthroat world of beach volleyball?

3. Jeez, could the director not think of a more imaginative title for this one? Hey, if he's not going to put in the effort, neither am I. No plot for you, Mr. Director. The world's first plotless movie. Oh, hang on, no, not the first. It's sure to make millions.

4. Michael Clayton is a middle-aged man who has a lot less trouble solving problems for his law firm and its clients than he does solving his own personal problems. Which was okay when his personal problems were trivial crap like his divorce and his debts. Now that he's become the target of an assassination attempt can he put his job skills to work in his miserable home life?

5. Michael Payton used his Play-dough to make anatomically correct models of Miss Blodgett and Mr. Geary. He went too far when he made a Claymation cartoon and previewed it at the talent show. They call him Michael Clayton now, and he's the hero of the sophomore class. But will Miss Blodgett's sexual harassment lawsuit spell the end of Michael's college plans?

6. A speculative biopic based on the life of the legendary make-believe legal “fixer,” who may, at some point in the future, brutally slay George Clooney in order to wipe that friggin smirk off his face.

7. Mickey's back, and after three years "away," he's anxious to find out who missed him. But when Michael Clayton knocks at the door of what he thinks is still his family home, and Delia answers, Mickey finds out just how much things can change when you're camping out in the "big house."


1. Symphony conductor Max Power survives a life-threatening accident but wakes to find that he has a specific injury to his hearing---he only hears in a single tone. How can he move on?

2. A thirteen-year-old girl becomes jealous of her older sister's relationship with their housekeeper's son. Why should she have all the fun? So she accuses him of a crime he didn't commit. The authorities buy her story! With three lives changed, is there any chance for . . . Atonement?

3. For years, documentary filmmaker Mitchell Mass has traded on his tactics of stalking, editing and manipulation to anger & embarrass his enemies. But he went too far, and now faces trial for murder. Will he ever grasp the horror of what he did?

4. Someone will have to convert, or Hirschel and Heidi's marriage will fall apart. It's Yom Kippur versus Lent, but how can Hirschel prove that one day of Jewish atonement beats out forty days of Catholic guilt?

5. Using a photo of another man and a snappy moniker his mother made up, mild-mannered accountant Cecil Biggins runs a website critiquing the work of struggling writers. Nobody knows that his witty and incisive comments come not from the leather-lined office of a New York publishing company, but the fuzzy-paneled cubicle of an insurance company in Columbus, Ohio. Now, however, one of his writers is about to be published and she wants to meet him to thank him. Hilarity ensues.

6. A tattoo removal shop, Atonement, Inc., falls into a legal entrapment when they remove tattoos from an underage girl, who was a plant arranged by the Trenton, NJ tattoo mafia. However, the owner of Atonement is a tattoo reformer and former member of the Newark Harley Hellraisers. When the young girl turns up pregnant, fingers are pointing in all directions, and her Marine Corp sergeant father decides to bust heads.

7. Derek Bray, small-time con artist and bad boy around town has stretched the doctrine "repent and you shall be forgiven" to its limit. Father Moray, tired of handing out the same old Hail Marys, sets Derek a series of tasks that not only atone for his sins, but change his outlook on life.

Fake plots contributed by blogless_troll, McKoala, Mignon, Khazar-khum, Bill H., Church Lady, Precie, Sarah, Anonymous and EE.

Correct plots below:

Blood: 5
Old Men: 2
Juno: 1
Michael: 4
Atonement: 2


McKoala said...

I like our plots better.

Anonymous said...

Hey, gang...! Maybe we should make a move! And we can do it right here!!!

Sarah Laurenson said...

Using a photo of another man and a snappy moniker his mother made up, mild-mannered accountant Cecil Biggins runs a website critiquing the work of struggling writers.

Hmm, yeah. I thought that might be the case. How exciting life can be when you hide behind a mask. And no doubt, you gave yourself Biggins?

Anonymous said...

McKoala, I agree.

Let's be real. Ours are trite, hackneyed and cliche-ridden, too, but in a good way.

Anonymous said...

Y'know, that could be a fun exercise: Pick a plot for a movie, describe the characters and cast appropriate minions into the roles.

No, wait. That could turn out to be a terrible idea.

I love it.

Robin S. said...


Sarah, you should stay up late more often, because you're on fire when you're high on being tired, girlfriend.

Good one.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Here's a plot for you (bit it doesn't involve the minions).

Michael Clayton's daughter Juno gets pregnant. He grabs his shotgun and vows someone will atone for this or there will be blood. The father of the child scoffs and makes vows of his own about offing Michael because this is no country for old men.

(BTW, I'm stealing my girlfriend's ideas here)

Evil Editor said...

Does anyone else get the idea that Sarah is a little annoyed at EE?

Sarah Laurenson said...

Now, Sugar. Why on earth would I be annoyed at you?


Robin S. said...

How about it, Sarah? Are you mad at EE,or just worried about the weekend writing exercise, and figuring you'll get your digs in early, just in case.

I've already got a few ideas about the exercise, and I'm planning on working them in, regardless of topic.

Or maybe you were drinking as much as I was last night. That could be the answer.

Hey anon - "casting the appropriate minions" could be dicey. Yeah.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Mad at EE? No way!

Just have a very sarcastic side that doesn't come out much, but when it does... And it usually comes out when I'm comfy around the people I'm with.

*sigh* Always hurting the ones we love, eh?

Besides, he mentioned something yesterday about maybe he wasn't an editor after all and that got me started when I read that particular plot.

Sarah Laurenson said...


I think you are wonderful, witty, talented and have a very big, giving heart.

And if you really are a woman from Argentina, then I'm throwing my hat into the marriage ring.

Robin S. said...

Hey Sarah,

Go sarcasm! It's a good thing to be comfortable.

I'd forgotten EE popped in that thing about being a mechanic. Actually, I had to reread a lot of what went on last night...

talpianna said...

Isn't being an Evil Minion sort of the definition of being inappropriate?

talpianna said...

"casting the appropriate minions" could be dicey.

Just caught this one. Alea iacta est, anyone?