Thursday, January 03, 2008

New Beginning 424

Ashley's stilettos chattered on the tiles and she flapped her hands against the air for balance as she ran. She skidded into the boutique's front counter, splayed her fingers against it, and her over-size blue eyes widened to the point of grotesquery. "Lizabel, I may have got the part."

Lizabel didn't move a hair except to breathe the word, "Hush." She continued to lean on the counter like an elegant mannequin in autumn colors: chocolate skin, auburn hair, amber eyes. Those eyes had slid sideways, toward the doors to the Minor Surgery Spa, and a single vertical line marred the synth-skin between Lizabel's brows. A babble of high-pitched rage leaked from behind the lacquered doors.

"Lizabel!" Ashley gritted her teeth and writhed in frustration. Her bullet-shaped breasts and tiny waist made her look like the idealization of a pole dancer. "This could be the most important day of my life! Didn't you hear?"

"And can you not hear?" Lizabel pursed lips that were already swollen to mimic a pucker. "Mrs. Shienne is having a phone-fit at her lawyer in there."

Ashley straightened and frowned at the spa. "What about? I need time off this afternoon for my second audition."

Lizabel smiled. "She's disinheriting her son."

"Do you think she'll be in a good mood or bad when she's finished?"



Ronnie, the new VP of the children's division at WarnerFoxBC, turned off the video screen and faced the program's executive producer and pitchman.

"It's brilliant," she stated simply. "It's just what I was looking for, for our 7-10 year-old-girl demographic. The merchandising potential is through the roof here."

Only one thing was left. Ronnie knew she needed to get on the line to her broker and increase her stake in pharmaceuticals for plastic surgery for teens. God, this show was going to screw up a bunch of girls' body images. And that was a clear investment opportunity.

Oh, and antidepressants. Pre-teen Prozac. Maybe she could get Ashley's face imprinted on each pill?



Opening: Whitemouse.....Continuation: Pacatrue

16 comments:

Evil Editor said...

Unchosen Continuations:


"He's married a pole dancer." Lizabel raised an eyebrow as high as the Botox allowed, which was not at all. "So, what part did you get? Mrs. Shienne Junior?"

Her new mother-in-law would not be in a good mood. Ashley reached for the razor-sharp stiletto knives that she kept strapped to her ankles. She married the guy because he was rich, and she wasn't going to let his wrinkled mother stand in the way.

"I can make it look like complications of cosmetic surgery," she said, narrowing her blue eyes into grotesque slits.

--Mignon



"She's been yelling 'Garret' all morning."

"Great!" Ashley grinned. "It's not one of the ones she likes."

-Khazar-khum


Not that anyone could tell what sort of mood the old bag was ever in, since her face was Botoxed into immobility.

Ashley's eyes remained wide, a side effect of a face lift that had pulled her eyebrows up to her hair line. "I thought that she had a daughter."

Lizabel rubbed at the synth-skin, trying to form her forehead into a frown to show that she was thinking. "I guess that's why our boss ordered that Erector set."

--anon.


This seemed important, so Ashley reached behind her neck and flipped the switch from Actress to Smart Girl so she could follow the answer.

--Bill Highsmith

Evil Editor said...

The one bothersome part was: She continued to lean on the counter...

I assume you mean Lizabel, but we haven't been told Lizabel is leaning on the counter, whereas we have been told Ashley skidded into the counter and splayed her fingers against it. Thus one might get confused and think the person continuing to lean on the counter is Ashley. If it just said: She leaned on the counter..., there'd be no problem.

Dave Fragments said...

Perhaps a man shouldn't comment on girly talk between two women in a face-lift, boob-job boutique... but then, none of yous know where I live so ya can't come after me fiddly bits with knives...
;)
(but seriously, now)
I find the spacing between "Lizabel" and "This could be..." too long. If she's that excited and running that precariously on spiky heels, wouldn't those two lines come out as one sentence, breathless and hyper-excited?

Then again, would Lizabel, who's eavesdropping on her lady friend ever say "and can you not hear" ?
Wouldn't she just go "Shush! Mrs Shienne is having a hissy fit at her lawyer about disinheriting her son."" or something like that.

I also have a feeling that Lizabel's smile is not just a smile. It's a little more catty and bitchy.

I like P1. I can see her hanging on the counter. And I like her later description. it's inventive and funny.
Unfortunately, Lizabel is given short shrift. Jeepers Creeper, she works in a plastic surgery clinic and she's got to look hotter than just that. Is she dressed to the nines? Or is that too much Ugly Betty and Mode Magazine? Maybe you don't want to be that over-the-top...

PJD said...

I thought this was a bit overdone with the physical description. Trying too hard to use words with big impact.

She didn't move a hair except to breathe the word, "Hush." Why does she need to move her hair to breathe a word? Without the context of genre and knowing how some of the stories around here go, I thought perhaps the girl actually spoke by waving her hair. (OK, I didn't really think that, but you get the point.) Also, Those eyes had slid sideways, toward the doors... So there is fake skin and cosmetic surgery all around. Does that include making eyes on sliders for better vision, or is she just glancing to the side?

Does a babble of high-pitched rage leak through a door? Is Ashley actually writhing against the counter, her whole body gyrating like some sort of serpent? Does the idealization of a pole dancer have bullet-shaped breasts? (My friend once heard a fourth grader call the principal "Missile Tits" to her face. Unfortunately for the student, whether he was correct or not was not considered when punishment was meted out.)

By the end of this, we've got five characters: Ashley (grotesque eyes, flapping arms and writhing body, ammunition for breasts, and a selfish actress). Lizabel (fake skin, hair that speaks, eyes that slide). The boss (screechy and filled with rage). The boss' lawyer (unknown). The boss' son (disinherited).

Frankly, the only one I have any sympathy for after this opening is the son for being disinherited. I think if you toned down the word choice it might be less caricatured.

Maybe I'm being too harsh here because I'm just in a bad mood today, but I had a hard time warming up to this.

Anonymous said...

yes, you seem to love adding witticisms and editorial, but perhaps a more succinct approach would be better here.

none said...

I can't get past the bullet-shaped breasts.

Anonymous said...

You might try ruthless cutting, like this:

Ashley's stilettos chattered as she ran. She skidded to the counter, "Lizabel, I might have the part."

Lizabel didn't move. "Hush!" She leaned on the counter, an elegant mannequin in autumn colors. A single vertical line marred the synth-skin between her brows. Her eyes slid sideways, toward the Minor Surgery Spa.

High-pitched rage leaked through the lacquered doors.

Ashley writhed her bullet-shaped breasts and tiny waist, like a pole dancer. "This could be the most important day of my life!"

"Can you hear?" Lizabel pursed lips that were swollen to a pucker. "Shienne is having a fit."

Ashley frowned. "What about? I need time off, for my next audition."

Lizabel smiled. "She's disinheriting her son."

"Think she'll be in a mood when she's finished?"

Phoenix Sullivan said...

I'd like to usurp a spot in the comments section from now through Jan 14 to stay updated on EE's poll position on the Preditors & Editors Readers Poll at http://www.critters.org/predpoll/. EE is listed on the "Book/e-book Editors page" and the "Writers' Resource/Information page."

When you vote, you get a link to see the current standings, which are updated hourly. However, I can't find my way back to that standings page, so we'll need to tag-team this. When you vote, check the standings, then check in here and let the minions know just how tight the race is.

Robin says EE was #2 yesterday on the Book Eds page, and #12 on the Writers Info page. Today, I see he's still at #2 on the Book Eds page, but has climbed to #5 on the Info page (or it could be the other way around).

Who'll vote next and keep us updated? This is certainly more entertaining than the Iowa Caucus!!

Robin S. said...

4 things:

1-
Hi Whitemouse- I'd say look at anon 6:00 pm, and use that well-done editing job as your template- and add in a few of your favorite descriptive phrases sparingly- and I say this with a bit of a wry, self-deprecating smile, as I normally enjoy meat on my own prose, but I think pjd hit the nail on the head here about why that might not be true in this instance - and that's that there isn't a character, or character POV, to feel sympathy for or identification with. Currently, at least.

2-paca, good and scary continuation.

3-Phoenix- great idea! I can't get back in either to see how the standings may or may not be changing- as people vote, if they could let us know how it's going, that would be great. Being #1 is a good thing, so when you're already #2 in the standings, well...it's time to kick a little butt.

4-And Dave K, if you're reading this, can you give us a way to check the standings?

Evil Editor said...

I note that voting in any category gives you the standings in all categories. So whiloe you can vote only once per category, if you go back every day and vote in a new category you can keep up with all categories.

McKoala said...

Whitemouse, 150 words and everybody lives to the end of them? Can this be true?

Nice start, intriguing background. Love 'Minor Surgery Spa'! Not that excited about somebody I don't know getting a part, but love the astonishing fakery of the women so would read on.

Chris Eldin said...

I agree with Dave's and PJD's suggestions.
Paca, awesome continuation! LOL!!

Phoenix Sullivan said...

Confession time. It was Robin's kick-in-the-butt cheerleading emails that gave me the idea for us to post the standings here -- and maybe encourage EE's beloved lurkers to go vote, too!

If you ever need someone in your corner, Robin is definitely your gal! :o)

Whitemouse: pjd has some wise words here. I sort of thought Stepford Wives reading this. Or a room full of mannequins or robots. Comparing Lizabel to an elegant mannequin just enforces that perception for me and I'm distanced from the story. Sorry. But Mckoala liked the characters' fakery. so what do I know? :o)

Anonymous said...

For those who want to keep track of the standings in the P&E poll, here's the link:
http://www.critters.org/predpoll/tally.html

Anonymous said...

Thanks, everyone, for your comments! I really appreciate the advice.

The story's title is "Caper of the Bogeywomen", and the cartoonish aspects of the characters are purposeful--the women are supposed to seem superficial and slightly inhuman.

I will take careful note of your suggestions regarding the language, however, as I've been smacked about for my style before. Thanks again for all your comments!

Thank you to Pacatrue also--I thought your continuation was hilarious! I also liked the other four continuations, so thanks to Mignon, Khazar-Khum, Anon and Bill Highsmith.

And profusive thank yous, kow-tows and curtseys to our beloved God-Among-Editors, Mr. Evil, of course.

*smooches EE's tootsies*

McKoala:
Whitemouse, 150 words and everybody lives to the end of them? Can this be true?

Yes, but 300 words later, someone is dead. *chortle, chortle*

Sarah Laurenson said...

So keep the caricatures, but still tighten it up. Make the sentences match the pace - shorter, more clipped for faster action. Longer ones to slow things down.

John Irving is a good one for unusual characters that you just can't believe but you do care about.

Here's my 2 cents.

Ashley's stilettos chattered on the tiles as she ran. She flapped her hands against the air for balance. Skidding into the boutique's front counter, she splayed her fingers against it. Her over-sized blue eyes widened to the point of grotesquery. "Lizabel, I may have got the part."

"Hush." Lizabel leaned on the counter like an elegant mannequin in autumn colors: chocolate skin, auburn hair, amber eyes. Her gaze slid sideways, toward the doors to the Minor Surgery Spa. A single vertical line marred the synth-skin between her brows.

High-pitched rage leaked from behind the lacquered doors.

"Lizabel!" Ashley gritted her teeth and writhed in frustration. Her bullet-shaped breasts and tiny waist made her look like the idealization of a pole dancer. "Didn't you hear? This is the most important day of my life!”

Lizabel pursed lips that were already swollen to mimic a pucker. "Mrs. Shienne’s having a phone-fit at her lawyer."

Ashley frowned at the spa. "What about? I need time off this afternoon for my second audition."

Lizabel smiled. "She's disinheriting her son."

"Think she'll be in a good mood when she's done?"


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