Why you don't get published.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
New Beginning 1
I was in the cafeteria eating my turkey, cheese, and onion sandwich the day my life ended. I really like onion in my sandwich because it has that pungent taste that kind of wraps itself around your tongue and bites down hard. Not nearly as hard as what was coming next, but who was to know?
And Martin was sitting on my right, next to the left of condiment stand I put my mouse, Leroy, in when I was in ninth grade. We always sat there as a memorial to my poor, little rodent who suffered a horrible death at the hands of Mrs. Wagner, the head cook. But I was about to get up and get some milk when Janet and Heather walked in. They had their arms around Cindy Peterson like they’d just won the lottery and Cindy was the prize.
I nearly puked on Martin.
I don't think Martin even noticed, because he was watching the trio also. He didn't look nearly as upset as someone watching a corpse being carried to the dumpster ought to.
Apparently Cindy had drawn the short straw in poison class.
My gut threatened to heave again. Not because we didn't see this often enough at Dr. Death's Academy, but because I'd just remembered that I'd drawn Martin for the disembowelment research project.
Continuation: Writtenwyrdd
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18 comments:
No offense, EE (and I'm sure you'll take my 150 words apart with a rusty knife), but aren't there rather a lot of commas in that revised first sentence?
I'm a comma addict myself, so I tend to notice.
Actually, by my count, there aren't any commas in the first sentence.
I think removing the word "nearly" in the last line gives the situation a little more clarity... first time it's hard to tell if the narrator didn't puke, or if he did and just didn't hit Martin.
I think this is going to have me paying much more attention to detail and specifics. Sometimes less is more, I guess.
Actually, by my count, there aren't any commas in the first sentence.
Burn!
However, as the first person to comment on the New Beginning, December, I've awarded you the elimination of some commas.
Death, puke, and women are the big three? I thought it was cars, guns, and women.
Actually, as long as there are women, it doesn't matter what the other two are.
Doh! Too much wine makes December a dumbie-head. You are right and I am the wrongest.
pjd, isn't it actually mother, jugs, and speed?
I liked this alot even though we lost all of your trademark humor. (Can you try to weave it in somehow?)
This is very educational. Might I ask that you include the genre and title? For example, I assume that this is the first page of a young adult book?
It would also be helpful to me if the sender included the genre.
Yeah, genre is needed. I suspect YA; if so, keep the first sentence. A first person "my life ended" line, especially in something like YA, isn't meant or taken literally (but really, in most genres except horror, supernatural, or a very dreary literary piece). I bet it's YA hyperbole in this case (I'll bet a nickel, Pat).
I read the original as being that the person nearly puked, and if he/she had puked, it would've been on Marvin. I wonder. Puking on the first page, yay....
I liked the original first sentence, but then the mouse and the condiments confused me.
While the ending hook was confusing in the original, I would want to read on to fiure out if his life really ended in any wa I care about.
Please, no parentheses.
I like the flow and freshness of the original, including the close conversational tone, idioms, and descriptive asides - especially '...my turkey, cheese, and onion sandwich the day my life ended. I really like onion in my sandwich because it has that pungent taste that kind of wraps itself around your tongue and bites down hard. Not nearly as hard as what was coming next, but who was to know?'
I mays stand alone, but I also prefer 'almost puked', which adds pace, to 'puked' which I think kills it.
It's bikes, bass guitars, and rock and roll.
I am a parentheses addict, bernita, please help me (see what I mean?)! -JTC
We've created a monster.
(and its name is...Zhoeldvd!)
Because life's not a paragraph and death I think is no parenthesis. (Sorry, Mr. Cummings)
I liked the original first sentence, but then the mouse and the condiments confused me.
That's the story of my life, right there.
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