Face-Lift 1476

Guess the Plot

Saltfire

1. Did you ever wonder why table salt burns yellow and epsom salt burns white? This book of experiments covers the different color flames produced by various salt additives, from red all the way to violet. Also, basic fire safety. 

2. When the Utah Salt Flats catch fire, three teenaged environmentalists spring into action. If they can put out the fire, it'll look great on their college application resumes.

3. During the Salt War of 1540, between Perugia and the Papal States, Italy's salt merchants stand up to the pope, and pay the price. But will they gain sainthood?

4. With war imminent in their homeland four young Asperians try to escape death and having to pay the rent. They succeed in the latter goal.

5. The El Paso Salt War, which began as a local quarrel but lasted 12 years, is a little-known event in American history. But to the 25 men who died in that war, it was no laughing matter. This is their story.

Original Version

Dear [agent],

Life is bleak in Apser. War is looming, a violent theocracy has taken over the country, and Isolde Kylman cannot pay her rent. [When you put it like that, I find I'm not as sympathetic as you may want me to be about Isolde Kylman's housing situation. Though at least you didn't say . . . and Isolde Kylman just got a paper cut.]

SALTFIRE, an [a]  90,000-word Romantasy novel, follows the alternating perspectives of Isolde and her painfully naive and hot-headed younger sister Noa. 

[Isolde: We need to cut back on groceries. There's no money for the rent.

Noa: SCREW THE FRIGGIN RENT! I JUST GOT A PAPER CUT!!!]

After kicking their abusive father out, Isolde has taken control of the family finances and is acutely aware that they’re on the brink of eviction--even after their eldest brother Benji has joined the army to pay the family debts. [Is the person who's taken control of the finances contributing anything to them?] Her younger [youngest?] siblings Eli and Lilah are grateful to be rid of their father, but Noa, a favorite of their father’s and unaware of his cruelty, blames Isolde for both their lack of money and Benji’s absence. 

[Isolde: Dad was cruel and abusive to Eli, Lilah, and me. He had to go.

Noa: I HATE YOU! YOU'RE JUST MAD CAUSE DAD LIKED ME BEST!!

When Benji dies, [What? Benji was my favorite character.] and with him any hope of making rent, Isolde embarks on a desperate plan to secure their housing. The plan backfires disastrously, leaving a body in her wake [She murdered her landlord? Blew up a bank? Whose body?] with nowhere to go—but, a seemingly serendipitous rescue by Cassian, the Prince of the Kingdom of Tenney, and his royal advisor Rian allows the Isolde and her siblings to escape North Vestia. [And, conveniently, the rent.] Isolde nearly dies on the journey and Noa, who believes the whole family shouldn’t pay for her sister’s mistakes, has to be dragged across the border kicking and screaming.  

As Isolde recovers from her injuries, Noa, angry, bored and distrustful of the locals, takes an interest in Cassian’s sword fighting lessons and manages to weasel her way in. While her initial animosity turns to friendship, it soon becomes clear his feelings run deeper. Isolde recovers and learns not only of Cassian’s relationship with her sister, but also of Cassian’s plans to join forces with West Vestia when he becomes King. Isolde wants to flee over the mountains and leave Vestia [You've now mentioned Vestia, North Vestia, West Vestia, Tenney, and Asper. And whatever country or kingdom Cassian is going into battle against. Are you planning to include a map with the query? Are any of these places going to be on opposite sides in the war?] once and for all, but Noa, has already decided to follow him into battle. [How old is she?] She is easily seduced by visions of glory and adventure, though, distressingly, not by Cassian- or any other man, for that matter.

Isolde, not willing to leave her sister behind, enlists Rian to help her drag Noa across borders once more;  [There has to be a better way to get a kid across borders than always dragging her. Also, with all these place names, I'm not sure which borders are being crossed.] but, Rian refuses, and instead reveals a conspiracy to undermine the war before it begins. Isolde is left with a choice: escape with Eli and Lilah or stay and fight. [Fight in the war?]

SALTFIRE  is the first entry in a planned duology, though it could function as a standalone work. It will appeal to fans of Ursula Vernon's "Nettle and Bone" and Hannah Whitton's "For the Wolf.”

[insert bio] This is my first novel.  

I believe SALTFIRE would be an excellent addition to your list, as [insert agent specific info].  

 Thank you for your consideration.

Notes

The name "Benji" doesn't seem to belong in here. 

You call it a romantasy, but the only hint of romance is Cassian's unrequited romantic interest in Noa. 

Isolde and Noa may share main-character roles in the book, but the query should focus on one of them.

This is too long. Here's a version that's possibly a bit short, but leaves room for you to add whatever's crucial that I left out.  [I dropped the father, the dead person, and Rian. Eight or ten characters is a lot to cram into one page. Also dropped the border crossings. I couldn't tell which borders were being crossed anyway. Presumably from Aspen or one of the Vestias to Tenney the first time? But what border Isolde wants to cross after she recovers isn't clear.]

After her older brother dies, Isolde is left to raise her three younger siblings, Noa, Eli, and Lilah. And priority 1 is getting them out of Asper before the coming war breaks out. But before they can reach their destination--any destination--Isolde is injured and nearly dies. A seemingly serendipitous rescue by Cassian, the Prince of the Kingdom of Tenney, allows Isolde and her siblings to reach safety.

Recovered from her injuries, Isolde wants to continue their journey, fleeing over the mountains, but Noa, who's been taking sword fighting lessons from Cassian, wants to follow him into battle. She is easily seduced by visions of glory and adventure, but not (to his annoyance) by Cassian--or any other man, for that matter. 

Isolde is not willing to leave Noa behind, especially after she learns of Cassian's plan to whatever. But as the war becomes more imminent, she must decide whether to get Eli and Lilah to safety, or stay and fight. 

[It's not clear whether the conspiracy is Cassian's or just Rian's, or whether that's an issue in Isolde's decision. Nor which characters have a romance.]

What also isn't clear is whether the king is on his deathbed or 40 years old. Cassian’s plans to join forces with West Vestia when he becomes King seem irrelevant if he won't become king for 30 years. We don't know if joining forces with West Vestia is a good thing or a bad thing, in Isolde's view, because she's from  Asper, and we don't know where Asper is, or anything about West Vestia's politics. 

I can't tell how old any of the characters is. Eli & Lilah could be toddlers or teens. Isolde could be 18 or 30.  

Face-Lift 1475

Guess the Plot

The Secret Life of a Pet Detective

1. Clark needs money to pay his debts. He discovers there's a reward being offered to anyone who finds a missing poodle. So he hangs his shingle, and the rest is history.

2. By day, he's a pet detective. But at night, Trent Faxbury is secretly . . . still a pet detective. Because night is when nocturnal pets like owls, raccoons, and bats commit their crimes.

3. When Ace Ventura, pet detective, sets up a branch office across the street from Michele Lawrence, pet detective, it means war. This block of Main Street isn't big enough for both of them, and she was here first.

4. Antoine, parrot extraordinaire, helps Mindy Mills (age 7) as she helps her classmates discover what their pets need and want in life. But on the side, Antoine is a stooge involved in exotic bird rescue and return. The crackers hit the fan when he falls for a sexy macaw smuggling pangolins.

5. When her pet detective business slows to a crawl during the pandemic, Paula moonlights as a magpie detective, finding missing bracelets, keys, and other sparkly objects stolen by the winged sneak-thieves.

Original Version

Dear agent, 

I saw on your MSWL that you’re looking for______. I hope you’ll consider my adult mystery novel THE SECRET LIFE OF A PET DETECTIVE complete at 75,000 words. It combines the whip-smart detective from G.T. Karber’s Murdlebook series in [with] the eccentric small town [characters] of Kristen Perrin’s How to Solve Your Own Murder. It features #ownvoice Asian American experience with a multicultural cast, themes of found family, and unreliable narrators. [Better to put this paragraph at the end of the plot summary. Also, the Murdle books are not a good comp for a novel. They're just collections of short logic problems that the author made about murders. In which case the whip-smart detective who solves the crimes is the reader. It's almost like comparing your novel to the wit in Jumble, the scrambled word game. Also, maybe it's just me, but it kinda sounds like you're saying you took Karber's detective and put him in Perrin's town. So maybe say something like : It combines a Sherlockian detective with eccentric small town characters like those in Kristen Perrin’s How to Solve Your Own Murder.] 

Twenty-three-year-old Clark Zhang is dying on the inside. After being booted out of Harvard, [why?] he finds himself having to study online to finish his degree while also juggling three dead-end jobs to assist paying off his parents’ mortgage they took to pay his student fees. If only he could escape that mediocre life. When his cop buddy, Stephen McCarthy, offers him a gig searching for the wealthy Baxter family's missing poodle, he pounces on the opportunity. With the reward money, Clark could act as a guarantor to prevent the bank from foreclosing his parents’ house. [That was a lot of words to say:

Booted out of Harvard for cheating, Clark Zhang is juggling three dead-end jobs to pay off his debts when his cop buddy Stephen offers him a gig searching for the wealthy Baxter family's missing poodle. With the reward money, Clark could pay down his parents' mortgage before the bank forecloses on their house. It's the least he can do, as they paid his tuition.

Now I have a couple questions. Why does this cop get to offer this gig? Usually the pet owner puts up some notices with a photo of the missing dog. Did the Baxters contact the police about their missing pet, and the police said, We'll put our best man right on it? If I asked a cop to find my dog, I wouldn't be happy if he pawned the job off on some guy who just got thrown out of school for being a heroin addict or stealing his roommate's wallet or torturing the dean's border collie. Also, most of the rewards for missing pets that I've seen have been a couple hundred dollars, tops. Clark apparently expects to get enough to make a few mortgage payments, cover the lost income from his jobs, escape his mediocre life, and retire to Beverly Hills.]

Then, he discovers why he was hired: someone wants the family heir, fifteen-year-old John Baxter, dead. [Usually it's the heir who wants someone dead, namely his parents. Who's second in line to inherit? That's my guess for the top suspect. Although, unless the parents are dying, killing the heir won't matter for decades. I suspect someone just wants John dead because he's a jerk, and it has nothing to do with his being the heir. In which case maybe you should call him 15-year-old John Baxter Jr.] Only a harmless pet-detective like Clark can dig around town using the missing poodle as a cover story and find the origins of the death threats targeting John. [Is there a missing poodle?]

[Mrs.Baxter: Our son's getting death threats! Call the police. 

Mr. Baxter: Already did. They said death threats aren't their field of expertise, so they handed it off to a novice pet detective.] 

But with Baxter's reputation, it seems every townie might just have a motive for East Valley's golden boy’s murder.

When a [household] security guard of the household is killed and John disappears, it's up to Clark to save the day. [Because murder and missing persons/kidnapping cases also aren't the police department's field of expertise. Is there any crime this police department won't foist off on a pet detective? When you dial 9-1-1 in this town, the operator asks, ambulance, fire department or pet detective?] With a Foreclosure notice looming over him, he can’t turn back, even when the death threats start showing up in his apartment. [He can't turn back from finding the poodle. He can offload the job of finding John to the FBI.] [No need to capitalize "foreclosure."]

I’m a Chinese Canadian female writer passionate about mysteries and multicultural narratives, who spends too much money on audiobooks.  

Thank you for considering my submission

Notes

I'm not sure why asking around about a missing kid requires the cover story that you're asking around about a missing dog.

It seems Clark expects to walk into some seedy part of town, and it goes:

Clark: Have you seen a poodle?

Shady character: No. Now get lost, I'm trying to compose a death threat letter.

Do these death threats to John just say I'm gonna kill you, or is there an "if you X" or "unless you Y"? Death threat sent to Clark: Either you stop trying to find out who's sending death threats to John, or we'll kill you.

You might want to provide some evidence that your whip-smart detective knows what he's doing. He's basically a loser with no experience investigating crime. Or finding dogs.

What are the top motives people have for murdering John? How did he get a reputation so bad that every one in town has a motive to murder him? All we know about him is he's the golden boy. Not everyone who's called "golden boy" is necessarily hated. Take Tom Brady. Okay, he's hated, but not in his home town.

Much about this strikes me as middle grade. Imagine 15-year-old Clark got booted out of high school and has to find 12-year-old John. Clark sees lost dog notices and decides to go after the reward. Not to pay back his parents for tuition, but just to help them out of debt. You might have to drop the murdered security guard, and there are few reasons a 12-year-old would be getting death threats. Then again, there aren't so many reasons a 15-year-old would get them.

With a missing son (and poodle?) the Baxters should be getting ransom demands, not death threats.

It's possible everything I've brought up is neatly explained in the book, but if it's not explained in the query, the reader may not assume there are logical explanations.  

  

A title in the query queue awaits your amusing fake plots.

https://evileditor.blogspot.com/p/query-queue_7.html

Face-Lift 1474

Guess the Plot

The Journey to the End of Things

1. The experience of cleaning my room and getting ADHD sidetracked, where I find something from 4 years ago and get entirely engrossed in this New Thing, until I run out of time to do the Original Thing I had set out to do. That. 

2. A couple get trapped in a library together, and discover books from every time period, somehow all the way back to the beginning of things, which is also somehow the End of Things.

3. To save her brothers from a curse, Princess Alianna is given a quest to meet the wizard at the End of Things. It would have been nice to know it was a local bar months ago.

4. What should have been a four hour trip has stretched to nearly ten hours due to heavy traffic, bad weather and an absurd number of bathroom breaks. Nick's wife has passed the time pointing out when he is driving too fast or too slow and chiding him on, of all things, "trusting his brakes too much." The two oldest kids have escalated a territorial dispute over the middle seat to the point where one or both might require hospitalization. The youngest is rocking violently in her car seat as if possessed, incessantly chanting "are we there yet?" Up ahead, Nick sees a gap in the guardrail along the edge of the cliff and finally has hope that there may be a way to get out of seeing his mother-in-law this weekend after all.

5. When Sam dies in a car accident, she finds herself in Hades. Which is where she assumes her father also is, so she goes looking for him. But if she can't find him within a couple days, they'll both be stuck there forever.

6. Obsessive compulsive Frederique Nanaczka sets out on a road trip with his best friend Schlurpy, his beagle Watson, and two gold fish, to reach the end of the road, but gets stuck in rush hour traffic. Six hours later they debate calling the whole thing off and catching a movie instead.

Original Version

Dear [Agent],

No one’s escaped the Underworld before but that won’t stop Sam Katopodis from trying.

 

After waking on the shores of the Styx following a fatal hit-and-run, Sam expects to be damned to Tartarus. What other afterlife could there be for a person who accidentally killed their father months prior? [It was an accident. And she thinks she should be thrown in with the worst of the worst?] But, instead of eternal suffering, Sam soon learns her death was a mistake before [when] a sympathetic Hades offers her a deal she can’t refuse. She’ll have three days to find her father, make amends for his death, and return to the Styx for her resurrection. If time runs out, she’ll be trapped in the realm forever. 

But Sam doesn’t want forgiveness, not when she could reunite her family by rescuing her father instead. 

 

If only she knew where he was, something Hades refuses to disclose. Sam enlists the help of Pollux, a demigod who’s spent centuries looking for his lost brother, as her guide. [You have three days to find someone, and you choose, as your guide, someone who's spent centuries failing to find someone?] Together, the pair journey across the Underworld in search for [of] her father, [That already sounds like it would take more than three days. And the three days is for the round trip, so she has to find her father in 1.5 days.] discovering a city filled with memoryless souls that resets every night [Just searching one city would take more than three days.] and traversing [searching through?] the Library of Alexandria. But everywhere they look is another dead end. [Did Pollux ever look for Castor on Mount Olympus instead of in Hades?] As Sam struggles to figure out where her father might be, [Did she try Tartarus?] she’s forced to grapple with her grief while learning life continues after loss. [She's dead, her father's dead, Pollux is dead, the millions of damned souls around her are dead, and this teaches her that life goes on?]

 

Even if she manages to find her father in time, Sam still needs a way to get him out. After discovering the demigod [Pollux] has a divine relic that ensures escape, she’s forced to choose between the companion she’s falling for and fixing her past. [So the relic can be used by her and her father? Will Pollux need the relic to escape if he finds his brother? Is Pollux falling for Sam? Can Sam, her dad, and Pollux all escape with the relic?] Though none of that will matter if she can’t make it to the Styx before time’s up. 

 

THE JOURNEY TO THE END OF THINGS is a dark contemporary fantasy, complete at 103k words. This story will appeal to readers who liked the folklore-steeped expedition of When Among Crows by Veronica Roth and the twisted fairytale of Nettle and Bone by T. Kingfisher [and Netflix's Kaos, which is also about a guy who goes to the underworld to find his soulmate who died in a hit-and-run].

Though intended as a standalone, it has potential for expansion. [As does Kaos, though I hear it wasn't renewed.]

 

I thought you’d enjoy my manuscript because [insert reason].

 

This story came about after losing my father in the pandemic. My background is in academia, having completed an LL.B. and MSc International Relations at the University of Glasgow before receiving my Juris Doctorate at UCLA in 2020. I currently live in [City] with my partner and our cat, Nyx. This is my first novel.

Notes

Searching all of the Underworld will probably take her three decades, but in the interest of brevity, I'll settle for three weeks. Maybe time is different in Hades, and what seems like years to us is mere minutes there? Wait, do they have internet in the Underworld? Because Sam could Google her father to find out where he is. I can't believe they have a library but no internet.

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1468 would like feedback on the following version of the query.

Dear agent,

When seventeen-year-old thief, Dex, collides with an assassin, she seizes the opportunity to steal one of his fallen letters. The note promises gold for delivering a gift basket—enough to buy her sister’s freedom from the brothel. But Dex’s plan unravels when the delivery is an actual contract, and when she tries to flee, she’s framed for murder. [Not clear to me what you mean by the delivery is an actual contract. The gift basket contained a contract? Is she supposed to deliver a contract to someone? Why does that make her flee, rather than just deliver the contract?] [Who got murdered?]

On the run, Dex is captured by the assassins she impersonated. Thinking she fulfilled the contract, they offer her a choice: join their ranks or die. Terrified they’ll learn the truth, she accepts and begins training with Tristin, a ruthless mentor. Slowly drawn to him like a poison, she realizes he holds many secrets, enough to question where his true loyalties lie. [People aren't normally drawn to poison, so I'm not sure what is meant by "drawn to him like a poison." Is she drawn to him like he's poison, or like she's a poison, or is she drawn to him like poison is drawn to him? None makes sense to me.]

As she plots her escape, she uncovers the assassin's plan to steal a powerful artifact that can control kingdoms—freeing her sister might be impossible now. Worse, Tristin’s secrets could endanger her sister’s life. Now Dex must decide: play along or risk everything for her sister, knowing one wrong move could mean disaster. [Vague.]

Mix Assassin’s Creed with Pride and Prejudice to get BROKEN VOWS AND STOLEN HEARTS (89,000) a YA romance fantasy. Readers will be swept up by this gritty tale of betrayal and loyalty. This is a standalone novel with series potential. It will appeal to readers who like Heartless Hunters by Kristen Ciccarelli and One Dark Window by Rachel Gillig.

Notes

I have less of an idea of what is going on than I did after the previous version. And it doesn't seem that you went with many of my previous suggestions. Which could mean they were irrelevant. Maybe I need another cup of coffee, and one of my minions will steer you right in the comments.

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1458 would like feedback on the following version of the query:

Dear [Full Name]

Sixteen-year-old Rhode pretends to be the moon princess to help her financially struggling Virginian town. She “sells” them [tourists] their fate by claiming to see it via the moon. However, dwindling tourist numbers mean measly tips instead of riches for Rhode. She’s unable to figure out her next scheme until an argument causes her tears to turn into marbles while on camera. 

After she uploads the video, her popularity skyrockets and she sees an opportunity to sell the marbles for a hefty sum. As more people flock to the town, so does trouble. Rhode’s publicity catches the attention of a rep [named Diane] from the Department of Magical Management named Diane. Now, Rhode is under investigation to determine if she’s actually magical or not.

She must convince Diane what she saw in the video is totally fake or else she’ll be brought into the capital for research, never to return home. All she has to do is hide her marbles from the public and, most importantly, not cry. But with so many people willing to pay for a chance to see her tears, it’s rather hard to say no to them when her town’s financial security is just around the corner. 

BEFORE THE MOON CALLS is an 80000-word young adult contemporary fantasy novel. It combines the magical background setting of The Charmed List by Julie Abe and the lively prose of Spell Bound by F.T. Lukens. [bio here]

Notes

This is better. I'm less concerned with the query than the plot. Most towns would crack down on those who scam tourists, but in this town you're allowed to take tourists' money only if you prove you're a fraud?

There was a time when Penn & Teller would have been burned at the stake, but today, if they had to prove their magic was fake to escape being experimented on, they'd just show the authorities how it was done. How can Rhode prove her marbles aren't magical when they are?

It's hard to see how selling her marbles can ensure the town's financial security. Does the town collect a massive income tax from street venders? Does this town have enough hotels and restaurants to accommodate hordes of people flocking in to watch marbles appear from Rhode's eyes? There's a limited number of people who can get close to her face at one time, and she can't cry constantly. What if people come, but she doesn't have anything to cry about?

I'm sure these points are addressed in the book, but the agent may not be as trusting as I am.

Feedback Request

The author of the book whose query was most recently seen here would like feedback on this, the final draft.

17-year-old Dulani just feels so honored being his town’s guardian. Really, it’s fun juggling a broken home, a part-time job, and hunting Masques, nasty soul-stealing wraiths only he can see. Luckily, he’s got a big-enough heart to suck it up and keep everybody as safe as possible. But after Masques abduct his friends to their seeming deaths, ending their threat becomes his top priority. [This suggests it wasn't already his top priority, and while the sarcasm in the first sentence implies he'd rather not have this responsibility, I have to think it gave him more satisfaction than his job or his unhappy home life, and was his top priority.]

 

His plan? Find their nest, attack it, enjoy one less problem in life. Ignore that he found jack on his last try. Things start off unexpectedly smooth [well] when he pulls off step one by following a Masque to its home realm. Except [But] he trips [falters?] on step two when he makes a startling discovery: his friends are still alive. [He can't attack the nest because his friends are alive? Are they in the nest?] They’re just trapped with countless people, used to weaken the cage around a god bent on conquering humanity. [I could conquer all of humanity...if I could just get out of this damn cage.] Saving them is a no-brainer to Dulani, but as Masques begin a manhunt for him, he soon realizes he’s in a trap. 

 

Turns out his soul, strong from him [his?] killing [of?] Masques since day one, is the last thing [all] the god needs to break free. It’s another “honor” he’ll pass up because he’d rather [Dulani just wants to] finish what he started, bring everyone home, and keep an apocalypse behind bars forever. But as the pressures of one final hunt close on him, Dulani will be forced to consider how many lives—and whose—he must lose [must be lost] for the greater good. 

MYHRUNA (90,000 words) is a YA contemporary fantasy standalone with series potential. Starring a Black protagonist, it features young heroes wrestling with grief, responsibility, and danger like [as] in LaDarrion Williams’s BLOOD AT THE ROOT, L.L. McKinney’s Nightmare-Verse trilogy, and Kamilah Cole’s SO LET THEM BURN. 

Notes

Mostly nitpicking, hope some of it is useful.

Face-Lift 1473

Guess the Plot

Splintered Queen

1. After getting hit in the head with a wooden baseball bat, tween girl Queenie believes she's the actual Queen of England. Absurdities ensue.

2. A booby trap placed by an offed sibling shatters Amalacia across time, space, and reality. She must find and gather her various shards to be crowned queen. But her shards have other ideas: rock band idol, chess champion, super spy, mother of ten.....

3. A lesbian whose heart got broken returns to her hometown to be with family, and enters a wood-chopping contest, where she competes against her childhood crush and former best friend.

4. She was once a pawn in her nation's affairs, but with the country on the brink of ruin, she becomes queen and destroys the enemy king, saving her people from utter destruction. Still, she'll never forget her checkered past.

5. Drag Queen Fab Ulysses is struggling to make ends meet with a boring 9-5 until invited to a magical adventure on a yacht with the best and brightest Queens of our time. Their cruise becomes a murder mystery when the ship's captain turns up dead.

6. Despite her parents' marriage to one another, their countries couldn't reconcile their differences, and now  Princess Tatiana must decide between saving the homeland of her brutal, sadistic, tyrannical father . . . or her mother, who wouldn't let her go to the ball.  

7. Arvin cleans statues in the museum. One night, he accidentally knocks one over, freeing the queen trapped inside. She goes on to take over the museum, the city, as well as the Tri-State Area.

8. An artist who makes stained glass windows falls in love with the Father of the church she lives near. Heartbreak is the theme, lead veins are the seams.

9. When Accalia's plan to destroy all the gods goes awry, the soul of her youngest sister, Randalin, is splintered, enraging her eldest sister, Bledri, who vows revenge on their mother, who is actually her sister who is dead.

Original Version

Dear XXX,

I’m seeking representation for SPLINTERED QUEEN, a 115,000-word adult dark fantasy and stand-alone novel with series potential. I’m submitting to you because XXX and XXX in my book will seize your interest as well. [As well as what?] [Never mind, you had me at XXX.] Readers will love SPLINTERED QUEEN if they enjoyed the feminist themes of The Night Ends with Fire by K. X. Song or the multiple perspectives and espionage of Five Broken Blades by Mai Corland.

Bledri’s hand drifted to her belt of knives as her magic ran in metallic rivulets from her tattoo. She would be her mother’s weapon. [That was . . . what? A two-sentence excerpt from the book? If it's the first two sentences of the book, put them first and then say So begins The Splintered Queen, my 115,000-word etc. If it's an excerpt from somewhere else, just drop it. You don't have room for it.]

As a skilled and loyal assassin, Princess Bledri does what her mother, the queen, orders without question. The “Dagger” is always ready to strike. She has only one goal: to protect her youngest sister, Randalin, from the attention of their vicious mother who has hinted that she wants Randalin to bloody her hands as well. 

Yet their mother is not who she says she is. Once born as a bastard and half-sister of the princesses, Accalia is now a ghost clandestinely possessing their mother’s corpse. To stay alive, Accalia hides the truth at any cost and selfishly trains Bledri to take out anyone who might expose her secrets—secrets that she doesn’t even want Bledri to know. Accalia has plenty to hide: the witch queen always hosts a goddess. The queen’s body should host a goddess, but Accalia possesses it instead. Nobody can know that Accalia is a ghost rather than a god, so she expertly wields the “Dagger” to carve out a safe place for herself in the witches’ court. [Lemme see if I've got this straight. The current witch queen had three daughters. This queen, as per the norm, was possessed by a goddess. This queen died. Normally, her heir (daughter Bledri) would become the witch queen and be possessed by a goddess, but daughter Accalia's ghost found and possessed the witch queen's corpse first, and now everyone thinks the original queen is still alive? What happened to the goddess who was possessing the original queen when she died? Shouldn't she blow the whistle on Accalia's deception? Shouldn't she inform the gods that they need to send someone to possess Bledri?]

 

But with Bledri’s looming coronation, Accalia’s time as queen is running out. [Do queens have term limits? Or can ghosts possess corpses for only a limited time?] As the heir, Bledri will become queen and host to a goddess, losing all control over her body and mind. Accalia’s secrets will be exposed and she will also lose Bledri, whom she has grown to love. Accalia gains nothing from her half-sister becoming a god and stands to lose everything.

Accalia resolves to destroy all the gods to protect Bledri and her own secrets. [That seems like an unrealistic undertaking for one princess.] That protection turns deadly when Accalia’s spell to destroy the gods goes awry, splintering the soul of Bledri’s youngest sister, Randalin. [So is Randalin the Splintered Queen? I ask because she's not the current queen, and Bledri is the heir to the throne.]

Bledri willingly put herself through years of bloody work for Randalin, who now lies shattered at the altar of their mother. Bledri chooses revenge. She chooses to become more than a weapon wielded by others. Acting without orders for the first time, Bledri gives up her old life to relentlessly pursue the queen with killer intent. 

Still, Accalia will do what she must to protect Bledri—the protégée turned huntress.

I graduated from XXX in XXX with an English BA. I enjoy gardening, long-distance running (5-K every day), and never baking the same recipe twice. 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Notes

This is too long and I find it pretty complicated and confusing. It's probably a result of trying to fit all the rules of this world you've created onto one page while also summarizing the plot. And it's probably less confusing in the book (which is also pretty long) but you want the query to be crystal clear. 

Is Bledri looking forward to becoming queen, or dreading it because she doesn't want to lose control of her body and mind? 

If a ghost can possess a corpse, bringing it to apparent life, could the original queen possess her own corpse? Can anyone possess any corpse? Can you tell, when talking to someone, whether they're a person or a possessed corpse?

Why has Accalia taken possession of her mother's corpse? Just because being alive is better than being a ghost? Or does she have an agenda? If Bledri's coronation is looming, I guess Accalia can't be trying to rule the world.

Was the queen vicious before she was possessed by Accalia?

Try putting this in a three-paragraph format with ten sentences total. 

p1: Who's the main character, and what's her situation?

p2: What's her problem, and what's her plan to solve it?

p3: What will happen if her plan fails? What decision does she face?

Here's a rough idea of what that might look like, parts of which may be inaccurate depending on your answers to some of my questions.

Long ago, the gods commanded that the witch queen would always be possessed by a goddess.

Bledri is the eldest daughter of the current witch queen, heir to the throne . . . and the witch queen's personal assassin. Or so she thinks; actually, her mother has died, her body now possessed not by a goddess, but by the ghost of Bledri's sister Accalia. Accalia will do anything to keep her secret, including ordering Bledri to murder anyone who suspects it.

Above all else, Bledri wants to protect her youngest sister, Randalin, from the attentions of her vicious mother. What Accalia wants is to destroy the gods so that Bledri, who she loves, will not be lost to her. Unfortunately, Accalia's spell to destroy the gods goes awry, and splinters Randalin's soul. 

Bledri is enraged. Believing her mother responsible for Randalin's [death?], and not realizing that she, Bledri, is now the rightful queen, she chooses revenge. Acting without orders for the first time, Bledri gives up her old life, vowing to relentlessly pursue the queen with killer intent.