Face-Lift 1127

Guess the Plot

A Serpent in the Garden

1. The Dikdas, lilliputian folk who inhabit vegetable gardens, must fight for their survival after an article in Organic Gardening suggests gardeners get rid of slugs by attracting toads. Toads, of course, attract predatory snakes. Snakes prefer toads, but Dikdas will do.

2. Aphids on the roses, snails on the geraniums, frogs on the grass? Learn how to handle all these common garden pests and more the natural way with House and Yard's newest self-help book!

3. Matt, a born-again Mormon, has a tattoo that frames his manhood as a serpent in a garden. Tanya accepts his proposal, but he knows she won't accept his body art. Will he become a stripper to earn fast money to remove it, or leave the lights off on their wedding night?

4. Jill hates snakes and loves gardening. One morning while trimming the rose bush, she sees a king snake. It’s after its breakfast. While Jill is bashing the king snake with a shovel, its meal, a Mojave Green rattlesnake, nails her good. She spends five weeks in the hospital and when she gets out, she still hates snakes.

5. When a woman is murdered in an abbey, the suspects include (spoiler alert) the devout monks who live and worship there and a German guy named von Starkebrücken. Can Eva solve her first case and embark on a successful mystery series? Also, venom and a guy whose name is an anagram of gardener.

6. It's Judgment Day and Eve attempts to rectify 10,000 years of bad press, confessing to God that she lied--Adam plucked the fruit. It's eternal damnation for one of them, but can Eve condemn the man from whose rib she sprang?



Original Version

Dear EE,

Eva von Hirschburg is the orphaned child of a secret marriage. Raised by the uncle who disowned her mother, she longs to find someone who can see her instead of the shadows cast by her parent's sins. [That's parents' if you mean both parents. If you mean one parent, say father's or mother's.] [What are her parents' sins? Getting married secretly and dying?]

She may have found him in Brother Conrad, a young monk she helps escape her family castle, [You toss that out with no explanation, as if it's perfectly normal for monks to be imprisoned in the family castle.] but their growing friendship is threatened when a woman is murdered at Conrad's abbey, leaving behind a newborn son.

Moved by the resemblance between the victim and her mother, Eva vows to find the killer, [In fact, she will hunt down the killer of anyone who resembles any of her relatives.] but can she count on Conrad to help her when his fellow monk may face the gallows? [No. The code of conduct monks were expected to abide by in medieval times involved chastity, poverty and obedience, but nothing about ratting out fellow monks who've murdered women.]

Then Mallory von Starkebrücken arrives at the castle. Eva cannot deny her attraction to the passionate young lord, [Mallory's a guy?] but fears he is only looking for an indiscretion. [only seeking temporary storage for his lance.] [Actually, that works better if he's a knight than a lord. Make him a knight.] Worse still, he wants her to give up what he believes is a dangerous obsession with the murdered woman.

Is Mallory trying to protect Eva, or is he trying to protect his knight, Ragenard, who torments the serving girls and was visiting the abbey when the woman was attacked? [The code of chivalry knights were expected to abide by in medieval times didn't leave much wiggle room when it came to treatment of the fair sex. In fact, two of the 17 requirements of knighthood were:

• When a guest in someone else's castle, refrain from tormenting the staff.
• Comport yourself at all times in a manner such that, if a woman is murdered in an abbey, you don't leap to your lord's mind as the chief suspect.]  

["Tormenting the staff" sounds like another way of saying "flogging the dolphin" or "polishing the bayonet." This is my chance to get into the Urban Dictionary, unless someone else already came up with it.]

Eva cannot capture the killer alone, but whom she chooses to trust [trusting the wrong person] could have fatal consequences.

A SERPENT IN THE GARDEN (70,739 words) is a historical mystery for young adults set in medieval Germany. It will appeal to fans of “Venom” by Fiona Paul and “The Falconer's Knot” by Mary Hoffman.

I am a member of the Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators and the North Carolina Writers' Network. As a developmental psychologist, I have published numerous academic articles. I am also coauthor of an adult nonfiction book published by the MIT Press (under my maiden name - Knickmeyer).

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

I wasn't thinking YA until you called it YA. If you mention Eva's age when you introduce her it'll help.

If the mystery is whodunnit, you might mention some people who had a motive.

I don't see how Eva can do much of anything. Does she interview suspects? Does she have permission from the monks to hang out in the abbey looking for evidence? Aren't there any adults with the authority to investigate the murder?

New Beginning 1005

The lights are dim on the bridge, its inhabitants lounging in their chairs, most of them comfortable and relaxed as they go about their routine. To one side, the youngest member of the crew scans through comms channels, listening to silence.

“Nothing. Every day, absolutely nothing.” He runs his hands through his hair in frustration.

From the engineer’s chair, the short blond woman opens her eyes long enough to give him a glare. “Some would say that’s a good thing, patrol where nothing happens. You’d probably say that too, if you’d lived through one that was exciting.” She raises her left arm slightly then returns it to her lap, her point made.

Ensign Crenshaw blushes a little at the admonition. He doesn’t know where or when she lost her real arm, and is so used to seeing the prosthetic he plain forgot about it.

He is about to apologize when he is struck from behind by Captain Kinkaide's titanium foot.

"Back to work, you shiftless whelp," Kinkaide harrumphs. "And be grateful I didn't break it off in your ass."

Yes, serving on the USS Prosthetica is a trial indeed, Crenshaw thinks, to himself this time.


Opening: Darci Smith.....Continuation: Veronica Rundell

Face-Lift 1126

Guess the Plot

Seers and Sparkplugs

1. All of her life, Kelly's had a gift--the ability to magically repair cars. When an old Firebird she resurrected starts destroying the competition on the local stock car circuit, NASCAR comes calling. But if she signs with a team, they might learn her secret. Should she go to Daytona--or stay in Middleton?

2. Jason Ahummina works for Seers, Robot and Company, in the sparkplug department. Business is booming -- all the Babbage calculating machines are switching from steam power to internal combustion. When Princess Animmuha arrives on a PR outing with her reluctant 'bot chaperone, will sparks fly?

3. Mechanic Rachel Chase has always been able to foresee people's deaths. When she has a vision of her mother being murdered, she must figure out how the skills she acquired working at Jiffy Lube can bring down a psycho killer. Also, a family of warlocks.

4. Carlos Spargo, aka "Sparkplug", is happy in suburbia. He discovers he's a direct descendant of a wicked necromancer when his grandma dies and leaves him a book of spells. Will he become the coolest dad ever, or leave his family to find wealth and fame?

5. No NASCAR crew is complete without its oracles. But when, in the midst of a pit stop, Tiny Dawson's pit-seer tells him that she sees fire and explosions on the next three laps, Tiny tells her that's what racing's all about.

6. Crosby thought life sucked eggs until he met Stilz, a nashini who knows how to build a better mousetrap. Which is great, because mice are taking over Youngstown. Also, a plague.

7. Madame Terlotte knows how to rebuild the human species now that GMO food has rendered 93% of the population sterile: gasoline powered marital aids. Happy endings ensue.


Original Version

Dear Agent X,

Rachel Chase’s mother is going to die. [Drop this; unless it's specifically stated, I never assume a character is immortal.]

After a lifetime of watching folks bite it in her visions, Rachel’s seen fate win, over and over. ["After a lifetime" could suggest her life is over. "In a lifetime" is better, though you could subtly convey your character's approximate age by saying "In thirty years of . . . "] [Authors often tell me to bite it; I had no idea they were telling me to die.] Drowning in a glass of whisky usually takes the edge off her guilt, but this time, Jameson doesn’t cut it. Not when her mother’s going to be sacrificed by some psycho. ["Sacrificed" as in a ceremony? Or just murdered?]

However, her zipcode hopping mom is harder to track than a sidhe who owes a favor. [My research into the favor-repaying practices of the Sidhe reveals that:

Some versions of Irish mythology have the Daoine Sidhe eventually divide into two groups: the Seelie Court and the Unseelie Court.
 
The Seelie were bound by their code of honor to repay any debt owed as soon as was possible. This included both favors and insults.

The Unseelie placed no stock in the ideals of honor. Instead, they pursued their own self-interests vigorously.

Thus your analogy is a clear insult to all members of the Seelie Court--an insult they may be counted on to repay in short order.] [A better analogy would be "harder to track than a literary agent who told you to look her up at a writers conference."] Since Rachel avoided the supernatural community all these years and her mechanic job never led to many connections, her allies amount to nada. Until a warlock family rolls into town looking for a seer. They need her help to unseal their power [When you want your power unsealed, you don't go to a seer; you go to an Unseelie.] and Rachel needs assistance tracking down and protecting her mother. A trade seems only fair.

Yet, the warlocks aren’t playing straight with her. The elemental traps protecting the seals are deadly and they’re keeping secrets, like the untimely fate of the last sucker who worked for them. [This makes it sound like it's the traps keeping secrets and for whom the last sucker worked.] If Rachel doesn’t find a way out of this supernatural nightmare soon, forget thwarting fate, she’ll be joining her mother in an early grave.

"Seers and Sparkplugs" is a 96,000 word urban fantasy.

Regards,


Notes

Not clear to me why warlocks think a person who has visions of people dying is the ideal person to unseal their power.

Does Rachel have control over her visions? Can she look at a guy and foresee his death? Was she thinking about her mother when she foresaw her death? Or is it all random? I take it she was unable to identify the psycho she saw in her vision or the place she saw the psycho killing her mother? Getting to the place where her mother's going to be killed could be as useful as finding her mother.

Her mechanic job doesn't seem worth mentioning in the current context. If you need to track someone down fast, you can hire a detective. You're unlikely to find useful "connections" no matter what your job is. On the other hand, there must be some reason you've made Rachel a mechanic; if her skills as a mechanic come into play, maybe you can work in how, so the title makes sense.

Have Rachel's visions all come to pass up till now? Does she have reason to believe fate can be thwarted? Has she ever tried to thwart fate? Have you ever tried to say "thwart fate" three times fast?

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Mur- murs of the Mad

1. A vampire has walked the world for centuries seeking a human strong enough to challenge him. Just as he's about to give up all hope, he happens into Sprangsdale, and an epic battle begins.

2. When Mr. Hyde finally breaks away from Dr. Jerkyl, he must make a living. Under an alias, he opens a literary agency, that charges reading fees.

3. After five decades as a top Beltway journalist, Pam Archer decides to publish the secret recordings she has made of every Republican National Convention since the Kennedy Administration.

4. King Dope dismisses the fortune teller's predictions--until these predictions begin to come true! The rebellion, the broken treaty... Now, the king fears, the worst prediction of all; the growth of nose hair down to his knees.

5. In Georgian London, Dr. Edward Pringle hopes to expand medical knowledge by using the inhabitants of Bedlam as experimental subjects to test his theories. But will the lunatics collude to overpower the doctor?

6. Brother Luke's penance for breaking his vow of silence is community service at a soup kitchen. But can he control his anger--and his voice--when he discovers what's really in the soup?


Original Version

Dear Mr. Evil Editor,

After reading hundreds of web sites, searching for the perfect literary agent who is fresh, ruthless, and looking to build a respected client list, I found you. [Lucky me.] [I had a feeling creating that web-site was going to come back to haunt me.] Once I saw that you represent horror, fantasy, romance, and literary fiction, I literally frothed at the mouth. You and I, on paper, seem like a perfect match. [The list of mannerisms Evil Editor seeks in his perfect match is not yet complete; however, I am confident that when it is complete, "literally frothing at the mouth" will not be on it.]

My novel, Murmurs of the Mad, combines horror, romance, and psychological thriller with urban fantasy. [My alternate title is, The Bride of Frankenstein Falls in Love with Norman Bates in the Emerald City.] It is set in a remote part of Undiscovered America in the late 1700’s. [Perfect setting for an urban fantasy.] The story encompasses 97, 518 words. It is the first of what I will be an on going series.

“Murmurs of the Mad” is not a story for the weak minded or the weak of heart; so if you are either, put the query down and send me your “thanks but no thanks” letter now without reading on. [Evil Editor would not like to have to count the number of his colleagues who would jump at this offer.] However, if you decide you can take the heat a little longer, let me ask you two questions. What do you want from life? [A good book, my health, and home-made tapioca pudding. Oh, and Angelina Jolie.] and If I gave you the means, would you pay the price to accept it? [Having looked ahead at the remainder of your letter, let me ask you a question: what do your questions have to do with anything?]

Greed is a deadly sin! [Explain somewhere why you are telling me this.]

Jallend, vampire, self-proclaimed artist, and humanities judge and jury, [He judges the annual art-and-culture essay contest for the Rotary Club.] has two missions; the first, to send the sinners to hell; the second, find someone worthy to rival him. Walking the earth three times over, killing for hundreds of years, left him with doubt that the human race would ever produce such a hero, but still, he wanders the towns, feeding and waiting -- life blurring about mundanely. [Uh oh. Any red flags that weren't up long ago have just hit the sky.] That is, until he stumbles into a town where he must confront his own deadly sins in order to escape with a human woman, someone he never thought he could love.

However, Jallend’s story is not the only one told. Wandering the world just to see what’s out there, is Jack. Everywhere he has ever gone people love him. They all want him to stay, but he keeps on moving. [They call him . . . The Wanderer.] Never resting, always working. [Wandering the world just to see what's out there sounds more like never working.] When he leaves the mountain folks and heads on into Sprangsdale, [Ah, the big urban center.] however, his life changes forever. He finds himself caught in the wake of Jallend's on going massacres. Being righteous, Jack vows to stop the monster from slaughtering innocent people. But every town he enters he is too late. The dead stack up, and Jack’s mind corrodes, bringing life to the horrors from his past that has him running the world to evade. [Evil Editor has taken flak in the past for declaring, based solely on a query letter, that a novel needs a makeover, so he'll probably get raked over the coals for suggesting that this novel needs a makeover, based entirely on that one sentence.]

In the end, Jallend finds his match in Jack, but for reasons no one could have predicted. You’ll be shocked to see who dies in the big battle, and what happens next. [Suddenly I must know what happens next.]

For ten years, I've made my living entertaining; performing magic, palm reading, balloon sculpting, while on the side-line, writing. For the rest of my life, I plan to use what I have learned about people, natural perceptions, history and English to achieve publication. [You have achieved publication, publication of this letter, and it is being read by thousands. That's more than read most authors' books. Can't you settle for that, and move on to a less daunting challenge? Something like creating a life-sized balloon sculpture of the Battle of Gettysburg?] Once I jump that hurtle, [Once you hurtle that hurdle.] I will begin the real work of selling every novel that has my name on it.

Out of everyone I wish to work with, Mr. Evil, I hope the subject matter interests you most. I look forward to hearing from you soon. If you find you like what you've read so far, I could have the entire novel in your hands within a week of receiving your go ahead. I do have this novel on submission to Medallion Press, publishing house. I expect to hear back from them this next month. [Medallion? You'll be lucky to hear from them in three years.] Thank you for your time.

Sincerely yours,


Notes

It's way too long, and two thirds of it isn't about your book. It has typos, misused words, self-promotion, buttering up of the agent, irrelevant credits . . . But worst of all, the plot description doesn't have much clear information. Does Jallend kill only sinners? Why does he want a rival? Who is the woman Jallend never thought he could love, and why do you never mention her again?

The competition to get published is fierce. If Evil Editor tried to write a symphony, he would expect someone with an MFA in music to mock his first attempt mercilessly. If Evil Editor tried to create a giraffe or a Dachshund out of a balloon, you would laugh at his comic ineptitude. So it shouldn't be shocking when Evil Editor suggests that while what you've learned about people, natural perceptions, and history may be impressive, what you've learned about the craft of writing (so far), isn't going to get you to your goal. Take classes, join a critique group, read a lot, and someday you'll read this letter and laugh. When you're not groaning.


Selected Comments

Writer said...Is it possible I could send a query for critique without getting it published on your blog? I will now go hide, while you laugh at me ...


Frainstorm said...Sure, and if you ever find someone to publish your book, don't let them.


John said...I must take EE's invitation to mock mercilessly, pointing out that a musician doesn't get an MFA (Master of Fine Arts); she gets an MM (Master of Music). Not to be confused with the candy.

Although at this point chocolate would be more useful than my MM.


Evil Editor said...True, but Evil Editor has always felt that music is as fine an art as . . . well, art. Is playing first violin in the orchestra not finer than painting caricatures in a mall? Is composing a symphony not finer than writing a limerick? It's time musicians got the respect they deserve.

Evil editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Graves at Wind- 
ward

1. Everyone is a suspect when a murder is committed at the Windward Estate. Can cynical Inspector Graves solve the case? Or is he a suspect himself?

2. For ship captain James Riker, nothing symbolizes the personal storms he faces each time he comes into harbor like the smell coming off the recent burials at Kathryn's Point.

3. When four graves at Windward Cemetery are found to be empty, the tabloid headline reads: Pranksters? Or Zombies? But Constable Edgar Charleton has his own theory.

4. Several suspicious accidents at Windward Motor Speedway have upended the NASCAR championship standings. New points leader Jake Corbett must race against time to find the killer, before his beloved #81 car becomes another metal grave.

5. The compelling story of one family's fight to be allowed to turn their backyard into their eventual final resting place.

6. All of the students at Windward Junior High swore they felt a chill on their necks at 10:13 AM on Thursday--the exact time when the crew digging the foundation for the new cafeteria found seven shallow graves.


Original Version

Dear God-Like Literary Agent,

I'm seeking representation for Graves at Windward, a character-driven, 119,000 word mystery set in Cornwall.

"Wolf" Macdougal is a Canadian wildlife biologist steeped in the study of carnivores, with a secret life as a bad writer [Let's hope you didn't base him on yourself.] and a first name he won't reveal. [Is it . . . Rumpelstiltskin?] He's sent to oversee the final solution to a cryptic will. One of England's wealthiest citizens is dead, and to inherit the estate her family must solve a series of puzzles. [Including guessing Wolf's real name.] If they fail, Windward will go to the habitat conservancy that Wolf represents. [Not exactly an impartial judge.]

Wolf soon learns that everyone is united in dislike of the eldest son, George Fairchild, whose love of filthy lucre is exceeded only by his desire to control his wife. She is pregnant. George hates children. He's in the middle of arranging an abortion when he is poisoned. Rasputin-like, George survives, only to be stabbed to death the next night. [Spoiler alert. His wife poisoned him. I'm leaning toward Wolf as the stabber, but only because he's the only other character mentioned.]
Inspector Graves, a cynical local constable once suspected of killing his wife, is called in. Family secrets start to ooze to the surface, and Graves' own murky past becomes the subject of gossip and speculation as he draws nearer to the truth.

This book is one of a series involving Inspector Graves. The second is nearly complete. I'm a member of a literary critique group and have authored a number of biology reports; [If you're a biology expert, maybe your series should be about Wolf instead of Graves. He solves each case through his knowledge of biology:

Wolf: The murderer had to be . . . Mrs. White, the cook! Only she had the opportunity to put lethal castor beans into the victim's stew.

Wolf: Only a trained botanist would have known rhododendrons are fatal. And you, Doctor Wilson, were a Biology major before embarking on your career as a concert pianist!

Wolf: The victim was thrown into barracuda-infested waters wearing a vest made of flank steaks, and only an oceanographer would have known that this would be fatal . . . Professor Cousteau!

Of course, if Wolf is the killer in this book, you'll have to rewrite it with a new villain, or the idea won't work.] [You'll also have to change the title to Wolf at Windward.] [Actually, you'll need a name besides Wolf if he's to be your recurring character in a detective series.] other than that, I've got no writing credentials whatsoever. [Could you be a little more emphatic about your lack of qualifications?]

If this interests you I'd be pleased to send you sample chapters.

Just in case this query letter isn't compelling enough, here is an excerpt from Graves at Windward:

Ms. Rayne's strong tanned hands gripped the smooth, leather-covered poetry anthology like a herpetologist grappling with a recalcitrant snake. Her blue eyes were the color of ice on the Canadian tundra as she scanned the snowy pages and dark text, an expression of contempt on her face. Suddenly she flung down the book in disgust and stomped on it, the hard heel of her rafting sandal grinding it into the carpet like neeps being hackit with balmagowry. [Possibly the greatest metaphor in literary history. May Evil Editor and his minions use this as the next phrase we run into the ground?] She looked about the room. It was crowded with handsome, overly intellectual people and one hairy, pragmatic biologist. Her penetrating orbs landed on the man with the scar, the man they called… Wolf.

"You. Macdougal. Recite me some lines of love," she said imperiously.

He knew in that moment that this was a test. All his fortunes rested on what he would say next. He must rise to the occasion or be forever dismissed as an intellectual lightweight. He locked his steely gaze on hers and in his deep voice began, "Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudding race! Aboon them a' ye take your place, painch, tripe, or thairm…"

"Address to a Haggis," she said huskily. "Oh, Wolf. That is my favorite poem too." [Take me now!] And suddenly she was melting in his arms like les neiges d'antan, the cold proud beauty transformed into a warm, albeit somewhat damp proud beauty, as she raised her Burns-loving lips to his and….

"…What do you think, Wolf?" asked Callie. Her question brought him abruptly out of his reverie.

- Thanks for your time and consideration,

Sincerely, etc.


Notes

The query is fine. The excerpt is hilarious. Is there a way to eliminate the excerpt and convince the reader that the book is brilliant? The problems with including the excerpt are:

1. A lot of so-so writers can find one 20-line excerpt in their novels that, if the entire book were similar in quality, would indicate it's a masterpiece.

2. Including an excerpt is not what the agent is expecting. She starts to read the excerpt, thinking, An excerpt? Are you kidding me? She gets to the recalcitrant snake, the tundra, the balmagowry, the penetrating orbs, and, not realizing this is a daydream, intentionally overdone, decides the author is in love with metaphors and other figures of speech, and doesn't even make it to the end.

Wolf is clearly a cool character. After reading the excerpt I again wonder why Graves is the one you want to bring back. Or will they work together on future cases? One gets the impression Wolf is the main character in this book. It's highly unusual for the detective to not be the main character in a murder mystery, especially if it's a series.

Is the book as amusing as the excerpt? Or is that the funny part? Perhaps a query with an attached first two or three chapters would be better than a query with an out-of-context excerpt. Agents often want chapters included. I've yet to see an agent's submission guidelines that requested "20 to 25 lines of text from anywhere in the book."

If the excerpt is intended to demonstrate Wolf's "secret life as a bad writer," maybe the book should be in 1st person. If that's not possible, may we at least assume all the overdone prose happens when we're in Wolf's POV?

If the book is basically a mystery, with one amusing character, and you want to concentrate on the mystery rather than the comedy, you might want to expand your query to include a couple more characters and their possible motives for killing the victim.


Selected Comments

Poohba said...After reading that query, Wolf is the character I'm interested in. I really don't care about this Inspector Graves guy who comes in mid-letter.


BuffySquirrel said...Inspectors aren't constables.


JTC said...I can tell from the query and excerpt that I am not educated enough to read this book. I am a victim of my own limited vocabulary. I guess that isn't the writer's fault. I'm off to study my Funk and Wagnall's.


Anonymous said...Erm, is that excerpt supposed to be funny? I sure hope so, because it was almost a cartoon of bad writing. I needed a beverage alert on the word "orbs".


oujpkcm said...There's a lot of stuff going on in here that doesn't really fit. For one thing, if you're going to pull a secretive name (a la Columbo or the state of the Simpsons' Springfield), don't draw attention to your gimmick, just do it. EE is right about the detective's role in a mystery--is Wolf the sidekick? And if Wolf wants the family to fail at the puzzles so that his organization gets the land, wouldn't it be better to just leave them alone to figure it out themselves?

Scrap the purple excerpt and stick on the first five pages. You've got my interest, Wolf sounds fun, I think the title(s) are brilliant (but would be equally brilliant as "Wolf in ...")


Anonymous said...Sounds, actually, rather interesting. I was all "yeah, yeah whatever" until we got to the excerpt. I'd definitely include it, but as an "I've enclosed five sample pages for your convenience" instead of part of the letter.

I always remembered learning at school that that poem was called "To a Haggis" rather than "Address to a Haggis," but I guess I'll take your word on it.

On thing though... I'd reconsider the phrase "final solution" in the first paragraph. That's a phrase that has a stigma about it that goes back to when the Nazi final solution was to exterminate the jews... it doesn't usually apply to wills, and kinda give the wrong impression I think.


daniel said...Am I missing something, or is there a reason to write a dream sequence using tortured metaphors and purple prose? I don't see a natural connection. Or is the idea that Wolf is a bad writer and therefore daydreams in bad prose?


Julie said...Please ditch the penetrating orbs. I wasn't sure if you were talking about eyeballs or breasts.

Unless that was the point you were trying to make . . .


Anonymous said..."If they fail, Windward will go to the habitat conservancy that Wolf represents." -- so his job is to ensure they fail?

The query seems to read that he's there to solve the puzzle, so the family gets the loot, which would be an obvious conflict of interest.


Evil Editor said...It seems to me he's there to represent the conservancy's interests, that is, to make sure there's no cheating in the puzzle solving.

Anonymous said......other than that, I've got no writing credentials whatsoever.

If this interests you I'd be pleased to send you sample chapters.
Erm, perhaps those sentences shouldn't be next to each other. It looks like you say: "if you're interested in my lack of credentials, I'd be happy to send sample chapters." I'm pretty sure that's not what you mean.


Martha (and cat) said...I have to say I'm jumping on the bandwagon with the other posters, I'd be hoping for the book to focus more on Wolf that anyone else. He sounds like a fun read, and I didn't really get a feel for the Graves-fellow.

By the way, who are we supposed to be rooting for? I got a little confused with the two sides on riddle contest, and then the murder mystery whodunit layer, and the introduction of a 'good guy' once everything else was on the table...


msjones said...Neeps hackit with balmagowry is from Treasons’ Harbour (Patrick O'Brien).

Thank you, minionistas, and most especially thank you, E2. You are prescient: indeed, Wolf is there to watch out for the Conservancy’s interests, and as he is Canadian, he is the nicest character.

The whole book is funny, but I can’t figure out how to convey that in the query. Yes, I’ve tried telling literary agents that it’s witty. I’m sure they just roll their eyes. No, wait! Yes, yes it is funny! Wait, here’s more if you don’t believe me:

Pedal to the metal, Wolf gripped the steering wheel of the Rover with one hand and jounced through the deserted outback, expertly shifting from fourth to fifth. The cruel scar on his face throbbed like the final notes of a Puccini opera. It ran down the left side of his swarthy phiz, cutting a naked swath through his dark beard and ending at his temple, where the puckered tissue slanted one wicked eye upward. Some days it had a mind of its own, and would break into a tango. The old war wound gave him the appearance of evil insouciance.

He pulled his pack of cigarettes out of the rolled up sleeve of his t-shirt, which was emblazoned with the lyrics from “Sugar Magnolia.” His biceps bulged as he lit the unfiltered Camel and sucked in a dose of concentrated carcinogens. He didn’t care. He knew he was born to hang, not to die in a sterile hospital after repeated and futile chemotherapy and radiation treatments consisting of large doses of cisplatin and etoposide followed by a gamma knife to the brain and perhaps the occasional gefitinib pill thrown in for good measure.

He roared through town, scattering small English ladies before him like potato crisps in a hurricane, and banged to a stop in front of the stony old police station. It loomed ominously in the pulchritudinous afternoon, but he was not a man to eschew the uncomfortable. He strode through the doors to meet his nemesis, Inspector Graves.

“Have a seat,” said Graves menacingly. “Would you care for a cup of tea?”

So it was to be good cop first. Wolf barked a short laugh. “I’ll have some absinthe, if you’ve got it,” he retorted.

Graves produced a bottle of the evil green liquid, poured out a dose of wormwood elixir, and shoved it across the table. Wolf downed it in one gulp, set down the glass, and said, “Do your worst.”

“Very well,” said Graves. “Where were you on the night of the twenty-sixth?”

“Minding my own God-damned business.”

“I need you to be a little more specific.”

“You’ll get nothing out of me, copper,” Wolf sneered. He would go to hell and back for the lovely Ms. Rayne, and he was not about to betray the fact that they had spent the night coupled in eighty-eight of the sixty-nine positions of the Kama Sutra.

Graves reached into his pocket and pulled out brass knuckles. He slipped them over his massive hand and made a fist. “Now will you talk?”

He had transitioned from good cop to bad cop with remarkable ease, thought Wolf. “Okay, okay,” he said hastily. He would have to lie like a hairy bear rug. “I was writing a letter to my mother.”

“Oh?” said Graves suspiciously. “What was in it?”

What indeed? Wolf pulled up to the police station and parked. If he didn’t get a letter off to his parents soon they’d begin to think he was dead…

- The book’s opening pages are more lurid prose from Wolf, so all the literary agents who are like anonymous at 11:46 a.m. are going to flip it into the waste bin faster than Scarlett vomiting up a neep in that great scene where she swears she’ll never go hungry again.

Most of the lit agents I’ve queried don’t want to see opening pages or chapters, but I’ll try again with those who do.

In the meantime, I metaphorically kiss your feet. Thanks again, E2.


Robin L. said...If you think the opening doesn't represent the entire work well, maybe think about adding a page in the beginning to frame the book. You don't want a reader to have the same experience as an agent - looking at the beginning and not getting it and putting it down.

The book sounds hilarious, so I hope you get some traction. Good luck!


Anonymous said...If he's Canadian, he's not smoking Camels--an American cigarette. Stick an Export A or Players in his mouth instead.

Feedback Request

The author of the book summarized in Synopsis 36 has posted a revision in the comments there, and awaits your input.

Face-Lift 1125

Guess the Plot

A Royal Pain

1. For years, the palace staff has tolerated Queen Zenilda III's so-called practical jokes. But when her banana peel prank puts Lady Mitochondria in intensive care, the rest of the ladies-in-waiting stage a palace coup.

2. The King has gout, the Queen has headaches. Physicians have been useless so far. When a gentleman shows up peddling a "cure all" he's invited in. Is he a harmless quack, or something more sinister?

3. Her face graces the covers of most magazines and her dress sense is widely copied. But even those who wholeheartedly despise the "future queen" are surprised when she reveals herself to be an alien with plans to imprison and torture humankind.

4. The king's heir Alexan is betrothed to Jayna, but they just met and they can't stand each other. Add to that the fact that Jayna must constantly roam the land or she'll simply die, while Al prefers to sit around the palace, and you've got yourself . . . A Royal Pain.

5. When the Hungarian ambassador is found shot at the La Brea Tar Pits with the royal jewels stuffed in his rectum, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things. One, Zoltan Vargas didn't fall on those diamonds while taking a shower, and two, Zoltan is a kickass name.

6. Mad King George lays another "magic egg" in a mystery location. The Groom of the Stool is the only one excited. There seems to be no way to potty train King George. But just when the royal staff is about to give up, a time machine lands in the garden and Mary Poppins steps out.

7. Unwed Princess Lorena will go homicidal on the next sadist to sneak a pea under her mattress. Then she meets King Frenik who's just as sensitive as she. Unfortunately his kingdom is in revolt and Lorena has one day to save him from the guillotine. Starving peasants. Ill-equipped knights. Scheming vassals. Surely kings don't need to put up with all these plebeian affairs.



Original Version

Dear Editor of Supreme Evilness,

I saw (somewhere) that you are interested in young adult manuscripts. [You misread it. I'm interested in young adult mannequins. I'm doing my own interior decorating this time.] I think you may enjoy my young adult fantasy novel, A Royal Pain, complete at 55,000 words. I would like to invite you to review the manuscript and consider it for representation. [More concise would be: I am seeking representation for A Royal Pain, a YA fantasy complete at 55,000 words.] [Even more concise: I have A Royal Pain, and I heard you have Ibuprofen.]

Getting betrothed to a princess he’s never even met is the last thing seventeen year old Prince Alexan of Vakela wants to do. [Just because someone doesn't want to do something doesn't make it the last thing he wants to do. I could name a thousand things that would make an arranged marriage seem like a cheese danish from Andre's Hungarian.] His intended, Princess Jayna of Pardin, isn’t exactly thrilled about the arrangement either, and when they meet to exchange vows neither one of them is surprised to discover they can’t stand each other. But the ceremony is put on hold when Gustus, Jayna’s tutor, is kidnapped and the betrothal contracts he carried stolen; contracts that would also confirm Alexan as heir to the throne of Vakela. [Lemme get this straight. Alexan is the prince and heir to the throne, but if some tutor from another kingdom loses some contract, someone else becomes heir to the throne?] Faced with such a crisis Jayna does the only sensible thing, taking matters into her own hands and riding to Gustus’s rescue with Prince Alexan along as her unlikely accomplice. ["Accomplice" suggests a crime. Perhaps "comrade in arms"?] [If they can't stand each other, and the betrothal contracts have been lost, they should be celebrating.]

Disguised as poor farmer’s sons they track Gustus’s kidnappers to a far off city and a dangerous criminal underworld apparently run ["Apparently run" meaning "not run."] by none other than Alexan’s disinherited older brother, Davin. [If you just say "by Alexan’s disinherited older brother," we'll infer that it's none other than hm.] But things are not what they seem and soon Jayna and Alexan discover that Davin is nothing more than the pawn of a ruthless crime lord. Voris has addicted Davin to a potent drug and plans to have Alexan killed before his claim to the throne can be confirmed, then set Davin up as a puppet king for him to rule through. [Of course he can't rule through Davin until the current king is also dead. I mean, if you killed Prince Charles's older brother in 1955 so that you could rule through Prince Charles when Queen Elizabeth II died, you've been waiting 58 years. You're probably dead.] With Jayna’s surprising street smarts, and the help of a band of young thieves, Jayna and Alexan manage to free both Gustus and Davin and return to Vakelon [Vakelon? I thought it was Vakela. Of course places do change their names from time to time. For instance, Persia to Iran, Siam to Thailand, Ceylon to Sri Lanka and Chad to Ochocinco.] with no one any the wiser. [Not even Voris? Surely he eventually notices his meal ticket is missing.]

After the betrothal ceremony [There's a betrothal ceremony before the wedding? So when the were meeting to exchange vows two paragraphs ago, those weren't the wedding vows? Those were the vows to take the vows?] Jayna returns home, now close friends with both Davin and Alexan, but just as opposed to the marriage as ever. For she and the brothers now share a secret that will forever keep them apart even as it binds them closer: Jayna is part Ghaltani, one of the mystical, nomadic people of the high mountains for whom it is fatal not to roam the land. [This is a secret? Has she been roaming the land all her life up to now? Has anyone said to her, "Hey Jayna, how come you're constantly roaming the land like a Ghaltani?" Was the secret known to her mother? Why would they arrange a marriage between a Ghaltani and a couch potato?] And if Jayna should marry Alexan, and be tied to the palace, it will mean nothing less than her certain death. [If you just say it will mean "her certain death," we will infer that it isn't something less than that.] Now it’s up to Alexan to find a way to save the strange princess to whom he’s betrothed…and who has become the best friend he’s ever had.

A Royal Pain is a stand-alone novel with series potential. I have included (whatever your website said you wanted.) My previous writing experience includes locally published short stories, poetry, and brochures. When I’m not writing I am either riding a horse, showing a horse, or teaching my students how not to fall off a horse. [Did you consider making all the characters in your book horses? It would be like Watership Down, but with horses instead of rabbits. I see Alexan in the movie being played by Mr. Ed.] Please feel free to contact me at any time to request a partial or full manuscript. Thank you very much for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

This "roam the land or die" rule seems rather arbitrary. Can you roam any land? What are the early symptoms of not roaming the land? When you go to the doctor because you're feeling lousy, is her first question always When did you last roam the land? Can you roam back and forth between two camps, or do you have to keep roaming to new lands?

Why would Voris want to create the appearance that Davin is running the criminal underworld? If I were Voris I would keep Davin locked up until I was ready to make my move.

Rescuing Davin and Gustus feels like the big climax. If it isn't, I expect Voris to come after the heroes. Instead the big climax seems to be Alexan must decide whether he'd rather be king or roam the land with Jayna, but since the current king may rule another forty years, it's not that big an issue.

Even after you cut the first paragraph down to one sentence and get rid of your credits and horse obsession, it's still a little long. We can do without a lot of the detail and vague phrases, like Disguised as poor farmer’s sons, After the betrothal ceremony Jayna returns home, things are not what they seem, does the only sensible thing . . .

Perhaps we can dump the Ghaltani paragraph entirely and pretend that the big finish is With the help of a band of young thieves, Jayna and Alexan must rescue Davin and Gustus and get home before whatever.

The title suggests this might be more comedic than it apparently is.

Feedback Request

The author of the query featured in Face-Lift 1118 has posted a revision in the comments there, and awaits your feedback.

Face-Lift 1124

Guess the Plot

What Future Lies

1. The dog ate my homework. It's not you, it's me. Check's in the mail. I'm on the pill. No, really, you can trust me. Oh God...yes, yes, yes! Aunt Amity's forthcoming Book of Lies will be a must-have baby shower gift.

2. Professor Cuyper invents time travel, invests heavily in biotechnology, then sets off for a promising future. He arrives in a world of terrifying mutations his money helped create. Too bad he forgot to invent reverse time travel.

3. Elspeth Kasandra has made a fortune as a fake fortune teller. But now all her made-up predictions are mysteriously coming true. Now it's up to Elspeth to stop California from tumbling into the sea.

4. Brenda thinks men won't date her because she's fat, so she uses an old picture on a dating site. Soon a handsome man messages her. But at the date, she discovers he's really a frumpy shoe store manager. Can they find love, or will their lives be--future lies?

5. Physicist Joseph Seldon knows time travel is impossible, since the past and future are constructs of our minds and only the present exists. Then a future version of himself shows up, needing his help.

6. Nerdy Zara has found her niche by reading tarot during lunch break. A few accurate predictions and she's now in demand by the cool girls. Her revenge for past humiliations is to predict horrible futures for them, and watch self-fulfilling prophecies come true.

7. Paul and his girlfriend Emma are accepted into separate Ivy League universities, Paul promises to visit her every weekend. She doesn't trust him. Paul doesn't care, because he just wants to party, and lie about it.

8. Christopher Smith gets kidnapped by a time traveling warrior and taken to a high-tech medieval time when knights ride hover bikes and energy domes protect cities. He thinks it's pretty cool, but the coolest part is when it's revealed that Chris is actually an android!

9. Herman thought he had life figured out. Job, wife, family, right? Then, he entered Madame Allred's carny tent. Now his only hope for a perfect future is to survive a trip to the past to save his fiancée's mother from a tragic mistake.

10. Thyme learns that her father wasn't the man who raised her. In fact, he wasn't even human. On the run from the Intrastellar Justice Agency, Thyme searches for her biological father who she hopes can save her. Also, shape-shifting squid people.

11. A disillusioned Wall Street trader who lost it all in the mortgage crisis comes to Jesus after his failed suicide attempt. (I think. It's kinda murky and grandiose.)



Original Version

Dear EE,

When 17-year-old Christopher Smith gets kidnapped by a beautiful time-traveller with rainbow-colored eyes, he thinks that's as crazy as it gets. Not even close.

His kidnapper, a warrior named Isabeau de Chic, brings Christopher to a future he never imagined: a time when high technology meets history in medieval-inspired city-states, where towering walls are protected by impermeable energy barriers and knights ride AI-enhanced hover bikes.

And then Christopher meets the king, Alexander, who looks just like him.

King Alexander claims their similarity is mere coincidence and that he only brought Christopher to the future to be his occasional stand-in. Christopher thinks he's lying. Christopher's right. [Obviously he's right. When you have time travel, you don't need a stand-in. If you get assassinated, your trusted minions time travel back to right before the assassination and prevent it. If the queen catches you in bed with your mistress, you go back in time and give the queen a thousand dollars to go shoe shopping. Instead of using a stand-in to avoid attending some endless official ceremony like the city-state's 100th anniversary or meeting the Rollerball champions, you just time travel to the day after the ceremony.] [Plus, in the future if you need an occasional stand-in, you use one of your clones.]

Christopher's pretty sure Isabeau knows the truth, but, even though she's warming up to him, she's not telling. She's not telling him about the rebels either, with their wild stories of a world outside the energy dome. [The people think there's nothing outside their dome?] She's not telling him the rumors that those same rebels would love to replace King Alexander with someone new – perhaps someone that conveniently looks like him.

And she's certainly not telling him that he's an android. [I assume you mean Christopher, and not King Alexander. Although it seems weird for an android, upon being kidnapped by a time traveler, to think, That's as crazy as it gets.] [Then again, maybe if you translated those noises r2-d2 made it would turn out it was saying, "WTF? Could things get any more wacko? Holy shit! A wookie!"]

Surrounded by deception and intrigue, Christopher must discover the truths of this world for himself if he's going to decide whose side to take - a decision where he could lose his life... or gain his humanity. [a decision that could cost him his life... or gain him his humanity.]

Complete at 73000 words, WHAT FUTURE LIES is a YA Sci-Fi re-imagining of The Man in the Iron Mask. [In other words, the king has Chris thrown into prison, where he dies after 34 years and everyone wonders who he was.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Assuming an android is a robot that looks human, did they really have to time travel to get Christopher? It's not like he would have died of old age. Maybe he's still around. Even if he was destroyed, can't they just make a new android that looks like the king instead of going back in time? To people with hover bikes and force fields and time travel, making an android from scratch is like people of today making a fork.

It starts off okay, but instead of spending an entire paragraph telling us what Isabeau isn't telling Chris, maybe you should tell us what she is telling him. If Christopher doesn't know something, maybe we don't need to know it.

Does Chris ever find out he's an android? Does he want humanity? Does he want to get back to his own time? Are wants and desires totally foreign to him? You've set up his situation: he's been kidnapped and taken to the future. Now we want to know what happens.

After Chris decides whether to take the side of the king or the rebels, what is he supposed to do? Apparently take the king's place, as that's what both sides claim they want him for. But what's at stake? What will happen if the rebels win, and what will happen if they lose?

New Beginning 1004

Sylvie flit her fingertips through the candle’s flame, wondering how many saints and prophets would have been sent to asylums in the modern age. When the power had just gone out, it was a game of boredom. Now, her eyes locked on the glow. Her newest canvas perched wet and disheveled on its easel. The white rabbit notecard sat open on the coffee table. The thunder cracked, a signal from the ancients or perhaps simply a superb sound off of static electricity. Her hand, preparing itself for a slower passing, cast a shadow like a quivering spider across the words on the page.

“Off with your head.”

When another burst of lightening lit the room, Sylvie closed her eyes, allowing her fingertips to meander through the heat of the flame. Her purple fingernails looked black in the dim light. The thunder boomed again, and someone banged on the door. Her hand flinched. She didn’t move to answer it.

“Wasn’t sure if you had any candles.” Miguel walked in the unlocked door like he had just seen her yesterday. Stumpy pillars filled his hands, and a flashlight poked out of his sweatshirt pocket. He dripped after his two block dash. “Guess I was wrong,” he added, seeing the flame across the room quaking from the breeze he let in. “Do you have a towel?”

Sylvie hid her raw fingertips and limped to the hall closet.

“Always saving the damsel in distress…” The words tasted old in her mouth, worn-out, nostalgic as his morning breath and the dagger she’d put in his back.

The phone rang, screaming like a hungry animal and making Sylvie jump. She'd forgotten, in these days of digital dependence, that her old analog set still worked through a power cut. She grabbed the receiver, drawing it toward her like it was buoyant driftwood on an ocean of bleakness. "Hello?" She cast into the static sea.

"It's the power company," the distant, disembodied voice, unsettling in its normalcy informed her. "We've checked out the problem. We'll have your lights back on shortly; seems your overcharged imagery tripped a breaker at the substation."


Opening: Kris Spisak.....Continuation: Anon.

Sorry Captcha Haters

Saturday and Sunday alone I received 43 comments that turned out to be someone telling me what a great blog I have and providing a link to their blog. Such as:


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I can't see enduring 43 minor annoyances in two days just to save the few people who make actual comments from two or three minor annoyances every two days. Of course I could stop moderating comments, in which case I assume all these spam comments will appear among the real ones, but then someone will probably click on one of the links and instead of being someone's website it'll let a virus into their computer and who will they blame? Evil Editor.

To ease the pain, anytime you get a captcha you can't decipher, take a screen shot. Then, if your guess fails, email me the screen shot and I'll compile them in a blog post and we can all share each other's misery. (Obviously if you get it right, it wasn't as difficult as you thought it was.)

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Murder in the Cards

1. In a suspense-filled Pokemon game, 9-year-old Sammy realizes that 8-year-old Jeff has the rare Dark Pikachu that he's wanted for months. Now Sammy must decide how far he's willing to go to complete his deck.

2. Fake psychic Lorna Lipschitz gets a tarot card reading gig at the wedding of her ex-fiance, Jack Ready. But it doesn't take a psychic to see something is very wrong when Jack's new wife is found dead with the Death card stapled to her bludgeoned forehead. Can Lorna clear herself of suspicion and rekindle the fire with Jack? Or will the hunky homicide detective give her a different fortune?

3. Madame Moodra knew her part: deal the Burning Tower to Professor Green and tell him his wife is dancing in Vegas with gym rat Todd Sparks. But whoa! Violent reaction! Good thing Moodra's pistol was loaded. Although now that Green is dead and her cards are all bloody, she's wondering -- was it all a set-up?

4. Geraldine Plick is the reigning canasta player at the Sunset Manor Retirement Home until a challenge from newcomer Betty Drupe leaves her doubting her abilities. When Betty is found dead in the hydrangeas, it's up to Geraldine to find the murderer before she lands in a freecell.

5. Dulci Ash is on the trail of a killer. A Machiavellian medicine man and an octogenarian madman are her chief suspects, but the authorities have arrested songwriter Josh Burnett. Can Dulci use her psychic abilities to clear Josh, or is a murder conviction . . . in the cards?

6. Alice never expected to see poor Jack lying dead outside the little house. When the Queen arrives and orders Alice beheaded for the murder, Alice's only chance at proving her innocence lies in a magical mushroom, a taciturn lobster, and an unfortunate lizard named Bill. Also, a white rabbit.


Original Version

Dear Editor:

I have recently completed a 100,000 word regional mystery novel set in and around the White Mountain Apache Reservation, titled Murder in the Cards. The story combines historical events from the late 1800s with a recent murder [Recent to the late 1800's or recent like last week?] that propels part-time psychic and full-time single mom Dulci Ash reluctantly out of her shell and onto the trail of a supernatural killer in the White Mountains of Arizona. [A wordy opening; eliminate the word "regional," since you tell us the region, eliminate the setting in the second sentence, as we already have it, and eliminate "reluctantly," which is assumed of anyone in a shell. Besides which if you're in a shell and reluctant to come out, you're more likely to be pulled or dragged or drawn out than propelled out. Do we need to know she's a single mom in the query? As her momhood never comes up, I'm thinking No.]

Along with [the] way, she meets Josh Burnett, the all too human singer/songwriter who is accused of the crime, [Look Josh, I'm not saying I want to date a monster or a space alien; but you . . . you're just a little . . . too human.] his father Vince Burnett, an Apache medicine man who's [whose] Machiavellian politics make the prince look like a dabbler, [Which explains why cunning, unscrupulous politicians who were once called Machiavellian are now described as "a little like Vince."] and a pumped-up octogenarian madman [, Jack LaLanne,] who has been possessed by the spirit of Coyote, the Native American trickster and meddler. [You might want to mention why Dulci is involved if the authorities have their man. What makes her think Josh Burnett is innocent?]

Historical elements of the story center around the fictionalized account [When you said the story combined historical events from  the late 1800s yadda yadda, I assumed you meant actual historical events, not fictional historical events.] of a famous Apache Medicine Man, Goyani (Apache for The Wise One), [And whose letters can be used to spell "yin," "yang," "yogi," and "Nagy."] ["Nagy"? I include "Nagy" only because when I noticed Nagy was available in the letters of Goyani I was suddenly reminded of the incident with my Jon Nagy art kit, which included a clear plastic sheet that you put over your television screen so that you could learn to draw like Jon Nagy. One Saturday morning I forgot to put the plastic on the TV, and drew all over the actual screen. Turned out the crayon wiped off the plastic sheet much more easily than off the TV. Mom was not amused. But enough about me.] who was apprehended by local soldiers for inciting an insurrection among the Apache people. Goyani had promised to resurrect four dead Apache War Chiefs to lead the people. [I was about to say, If the best leaders you can come up with are four dead guys, you're in trouble. Then I realized how much better off we'd be today if we had elected the Marx Brothers.] A terrible battle ensued between the soldiers who had come to arrest him and the people of Cibecue, which is widely recognized as the last major battle of the Indian Wars. Goyani ended up being murdered, hands tied behind his back, [Too late, Goyani realized he never should have used the expression, "I could take you guys with both hands tied behind my back."] during the fight. No one knows how history might have changed if he had remained alive long enough to complete the resurrection ceremony. [For starters, the Washington Redskins would be known as the Washington Aryans; the Cleveland Indians would be the Cleveland Crackers; and the Florida State Seminoles would be the Florida State Rhythmless White Guys.]

I have worked as a psychologist on the Apache Reservation for approximately eight years, and am able to combine a thorough understanding of modern Apache culture with fastidious historical research – I worked in the editorial department of a weekly newspaper in Detroit for nearly 10 years before deciding to return to school for my PhD.

I would be glad to send you sample chapters or the full manuscript on your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

If this is Dulci's story, we need to know what happens to her. All we get is that she's after a killer. There's more of Goyani's story here than Dulci's, and while I have no doubt that Goyani's story is told in the book, this is a present-day murder mystery, so concentrate on the present-day plot. Who's dead? Who had motive? Why is Josh locked up? Why is Dulci involved?


Selected Comments

Dave said...I must say it - too many words.
You can simply say " In 'Murder in the Cards,' a 100,000 word mystery set in the White Mountain Apache Reservation, Dulci Ash, part-time psychic and single mom, must defend Josh Barnett who is accused of murdering (insert name). Along the way, Dulci must contend with Josh's father, Vince and indian medicine man who believes he can reincarnate the fabled War Chiefs of Cibeque, evil spirits bent on revenge.

That's rough. It might even be the story. EE asks five very astute questions for you to answer. Point your arrow in that direction. Paint your wagon, and set out with your Corps of Discovery.


takoda said...Your query needs work, along the lines of what EE and Dave suggested. But your book sounds fascinating. I'm praying that you write well, because this is definitely a book I would snap up. Also, your title doesn't give justice to the way you described your book. Can't you work something 'Apache' into your title?


kris said...I like your premise, especially since your background will lend authenticity. I'd read this.

I'd ditch "come out of her shell" because you don't want a glaring cliche in your query.

These two sentences bumped me:

"A terrible battle ensued between the soldiers who had come to arrest him . . ."

Are there any battles which aren't terrible? Battle = death.

"Goyani ended up being murdered, hands tied behind his back, during the fight." --

What goes first, comes first. Goyani had his hands tied and then was murdered, right? Not so tragic if they're tied post-mortem.

I want to know how this history relates to the present-time murder. Beginning with, who was killed?


pjd said...If I take a look at where you started and where you ended up, I get confused. You start with a recent murder, a part-time psychic, and a supernatural killer. But you end with this: No one knows how history might have changed if [Goyani] had remained alive long enough to complete the resurrection ceremony.

Are you saying that in your book, Goyani returns? Or does Vince do the resurrections? Or is some other supernatural killer on the loose, and all this other history somehow ties in?

The story sounds interesting in that regional sort of way. I'd probably look at a few pages to see whether I liked the writing or not. Hopefully it reads more like a mystery than a history...

verification word: upfagipk
meaning: text message from a British guy who just dropped and retrieved a cigarette?


phoenix said...When re-writing your query, try not to dilute the things about it that are the real hooks: your psychic MC and the Apache aspect. Suggest the historical elements. The query doesn't need to go into a full recounting. And tie Dulci more into the plot. My attempt to pull it together and tighten it up follows...
MURDER IN THE CARDS, a 100,000-word mystery with historical elements, pits psychic Dulci Ash against a supernatural killer in the White Mountain Apache Reservation of Arizona.

When [an outspokenly bigoted army captain] turns up murdered [in a hotel room on the reservation], investigators accuse [the last man seen arguing with him] -- Josh Burnett, [long-haired, tripped-out] son of an Apache medicine man known for his Machiavellian politics. Dulci's psychic ability however, "sees" quite another possibility: the return of Goyani, a nineteenth-century Apache insurrectionist responsible for the [Cibecue Rebellion], the last major battle of the Indian Wars.

Dulci can't rid herself of the image of Goyani vowing to resurrect four great Apache War Chiefs to lead the Apache people against their oppressors. But it takes the ranting of an octogenarian madman possessed by the spirit of Coyote, the Native American trickster and meddler, to help her uncover the chilling truth of how a legend, dead for 120 years, still has power to strike in defense of his people.

Eight years as a psychologist on the Apache Reservation gives me unique insight into the modern Apache culture. Ten years in the editorial department of a weekly newspaper in Detroit gives me the skills for conducting fastidious historical research.

I would be glad to send you sample chapters or the full manuscript on your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

The Amnesia Door

1.Dr. Barnes' Psychology grad students call the door to his lab the Amnesia Door after his research into the disorder. But when students begin to die during experiments, panic sets in. Also, a blind Chinese exchange student.

2. Follow me through the amazing Amnesia Door and you'll remember noth-- What was I talking about? Who are you? . . . Hell, who am I?

3. There's something sinister going on behind door 212 at Willowbrook Convalescent Hospital. No one who goes in is ever the same. When Gracie goes in but never returns, her roommate Molly Parker knows what she has to do: rally the knitting club and their scooters to find the truth. Also, a pair of clever therapy Poodles.

4. Belle's new English teacher teaches more than English; she teaches witchcraft. But the door to Ms. Wendt's room erases the students' memories when they leave, so there's no danger . . . except from Belle's new science teacher, who has his own designs on Ms. Wendt's powers. Also, alchemy.

5. When George trades his newly-won washer-dryer for a chance at what's behind Door #3, he immediately forgets why he did it. He also forgets his name and address, his wife, his career as a physics professor, and how to put on his pants. Hilarity ensues.

6. Jane Doe wishes she knew where she lost her mind, but all she can remember is a door. A plain old door with hinges and a knob. Dr. Shelby treats this like every other case of middle-aged reality-avoidance--skeptically--until he finds himself standing next to a plain old door, wondering where he was going and what his name is.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Fifteen-year-old Belle is perfectly normal and perfectly bored with her normal life—until she meets her new English teacher. Ms. Wendt is a witch. Even stranger than the fact that Ms. Wendt supplements her lessons with magic

[Ms. Wendt: Today, students, to assist with our discussion of Othello, I've brought the author, William Shakespeare, back to life. But before we open the floor to your questions, watch as I saw Mr. Shakespeare in half!

Shakespeare: WTF?! Hey lady, there's been a mistake. I think you want Edward de Vere, Earl of Oxf-- Somebody get that saw away from this nut!]

is the fact that her classroom is located behind a blue door that erases her students' memories of magic when they leave. As Belle and her friends Robert and Esperanza try to find ways to thwart the door and remember their magical teacher outside of class, [Surely they at least remember their teacher?

Who you got for English this year?

I . . . doesn't remember. Who you've gotten?

I ain't gots not idea.]

they discover that Ms. Wendt is a prisoner of her own classroom, trapped behind the blue door that ensures no one will remember her or help her escape. [Lucky for Ms. Wendt her classroom has a restaurant and a bathroom with a shower.] Belle's new science teacher hints that there may be a way save Ms. Wendt, [If they don't remember Ms. Wendt outside of the classroom, how can they discuss her with their science teacher? Why would they even want to discuss her with their science teacher?] but as Belle and her friends learn about alchemy, [Are they learning about alchemy in science class or in Ms. Wendt's class?] they begin to question whether their new teacher wants to save Ms. Wendt or use her magic for his own purposes. Either way, the first step for Belle to save her teacher is to remember her.

THE AMNESIA DOOR is a 64k word YA contemporary fantasy aimed at teens. [That sounded redundant, until I remembered that most YA nowadays is aimed at adults.] I think you might like it because (personalized info about an agent/editor here).

I am currently a working writer and a high school English teacher. I am a member of SCBWI and a SCBWI critique group. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

I'm not sure how they figured out that the door was the key, (Perhaps Bob, still in the classroom, says to Ed, who has just stepped out the door, "Hey that was cool the way Ms. Wendt pulled Rabbit Run out of a hat," and Ed replies, "Huh?") but if they did, it seems obvious they should try going out the window. They could try writing themselves notes while in class, but I suppose if a kid found a note in his pocket saying Ms. Wendt is a witch, he wouldn't catch on.

I'm thinking this sounds more like middle grade. Older kids tend to forget everything that happens in the classroom even without a magical blue door.

This seems like a good story, but as tricky as time travel. It seems there can be discussions of magic or Ms. Wendt only when the students are in English class. When they're in English class, are they aware that they weren't aware of Ms. Wendt's magic before they walked in? When they come into English Tuesday, do they suddenly remember Monday's magic, and if so, are they aware that they didn't remember Monday's magic until they walked in? Make sure that you follow all the rules you set up. Even middle grade kids will spot contradictions.


Selected Comments

Tracey S. Rosenberg said...I love this title. I also love GTP number 1, and number 2 is good for a giggle. Nitpicks:

- I know Stephenie Meyer doesn't have a lock on the name Bella, but given the timing, you may look as though you're influenced by it. (Said by someone who once named a character Isabelle because I saw that movie where Michelle Pfeiffer turns into a bird. Ladyhawke? Anyway, her character's name was Isabeau and I was not very original.)

- I don't want Belle to be perfectly normal. I want her to have previously unknown - okay, not super powers, but if she's capable of getting to the bottom of all this, she's surely better than average? Does she have a natural aptitude for alchemy? You don't want to Marysue her but give her something more than mousy hair and combination skin.

- I'm really torn about your announcement that you're a high school English teacher. Clearly you have the life experience for writing about a high school English class [but don't most of us?], but so many hsets are wannabe/failed novelists that I'm worried you'll sound desperate. PLEASE, PLEASE REPRESENT ME AND GET THIS PUBLISHED! I CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER SEMESTER OF LENNY AND THE PUPPY! or whatever.

But it sounds interesting and I would definitely read it, even though I have not been a teen for some time. :)


Whirlochre said...This sounds interesting and has a lot of potential, but everything will depend on how you reason through and present to your readers exactly what is remembered and by whom. In this regard, you're going to have to be water-tight with detail (the specifics of how the AD functions) or the whole thing will unravel.
You hint at skullduggery afoot on one side of the door, and I'd like to think this was because of further foul deeds taking place on the side where Ms. Wendt is trapped.


Kiersten said...It sounds more middle-gradish to me, too. How old is Belle? And once again, I'll just say, listen to EE. You've already got a pretty good query; follow his advice and it will be great.


Kiersten said...Yes, duh, it would say fifteen-year-old in the very first sentence. Clearly you shouldn't listen to anything I say.


Deborah K. White said...Even stranger than the fact that Ms. Wendt supplements her lessons with magic is the fact that her classroom is located behind a blue door that erases her students' memories of magic when they leave.

If her students forget the magic when they leave, wouldn't using magic hinder their learning instead of help it? Say that magic is used to illustrate a point: won't they forget that point the moment they forget the magic because the memories are intertwined?


Anonymous said...Yeah, a serious logic problem, even for YA. Nobody remembers anything about the magic once they leave, but everybody's having discussions about the teacher and the magic throughout the school? To the point that the kids think the other teacher is trying to harness the magic for herself?

Either answer the question in the query letter or better yet, don't make the question apparent.


benwah said...One of the many things I have learned from EE's blog is that every school is populated by magicians or werewolves or vampires.

If I ever have kids, they'll definitely be homeschooled.


beth said...Thank you to everyone for commenting on my entry!!! This has all be really helpful. In answer to some of the comments/nitpicks:

1. The name Bella Ravenna is my play on the name Bellerophon, the Greek mythological hero on whom the story is loosely based.
2. In the book, Belle does have a natural aptitude for alchemy.
3. I think I've got the details in the book pretty water tight...but I'm having a hard time proving that in the query, obviously!
4. Everyone is commenting on how middle grade-ish this is...I may lower Belle's high school age to middle school to fit the tone.
5. Deborah: the kids remember the facts, but not the magic or method in which they learned them. Example: in the first lesson, they visit the pyramids. Outside of class, Belle describes the lesson, but thinks that she saw pictures...not that she was there.

I think my biggest problem is getting the details across in the story!

Does this sound better? Any and all comments are really really helpful to me. Thank you all SO MUCH, especially you, EE!

***

Belle may have wanted something more exciting than her regular, boring life, but she certainly didn't expect her English teacher to be a witch. The Amnesia Door, a 60k word YA contemporary fantasy, tells how Belle discovers magic in her ordinary world and then fights to keep that magic in her life.

Although Belle and her classmates love it when their teacher, Ms. Wendt, turns the classroom into the Pyramids or an Ancient Greek amphitheater, they hate the fact that whenever they leave Ms. Wendt's room, they forget all about her magic. The memories come back when they re-enter the class, but for Belle, that's not enough. Her science teacher introduces her to alchemy, and Belle uses it to get around the door's magic. But then she learns that it was alchemy that made the door in the first place...and that an alchemist made her English teacher a prisoner of her own classroom. When Belle learns the real reason Ms. Wendt has been imprisoned, she must decide whether it is worth saving her teacher if it means she will never have magic of her own.

The Amnesia Door is aimed at the same teens who love Diana Wynne Jones or Justine Larbalestier. The story is loosely based on the Greek myth of Bellerophon and the chimera.


Kiersten said...So much better! Good job, Beth. But I would leave off the last paragraph.


BuffySquirrel said...Eh, uh, the Pyramids? in English class?


Moth said...Second go is much better. Although a little long. And I'm not crazy about the title. What about "Beyond the Blue Door"? :D

Also:

"The Amnesia Door, a 60k word YA contemporary fantasy "

I would move that to the bottom of the letter because it interrupted the flow for me. Maybe combine it with "The Amnesia Door is aimed at..." sentence into something like:

"The Amnesia Door, complete at 60K, is a YA contemporary fantasy loosely based on the Greek myth of Bellerophon and the chimera. It will appeal to fans of Diana Wynne Jones and Justine Larbalestier."

Second draft much better, tho. Oh, and I agree that this sounds more Middle Grade than YA.

Best of luck,


beth said...Kiersten--Thank you! Quick question--why leave off the last paragraph? Is it the mention of the myth, or the comparing to other works? I thought the myth might show the reasoning behind the name and add some interest, and I thought the comparison might show more along the lines of what audience I was looking for--something along the lines of less hard core fantasy.


Buffysquirrel--You're not the first to mention that! *sigh* I think I must teach an unusual world literature class...I'm the only teacher at my school to have her kids read The Book of the Dead.


Whirlochre said...Yes — lose the refs at the end, but otherwise, this is much better.


Kiersten said...The query itself makes it pretty obvious this isn't typical fantasy. Comparisons always sound slightly arrogant to me, and from what I've read, most agents don't like them, either.

As far as what it's based on, I really don't think agents are going to have a hard time with her name, and adding that it's based on a myth doesn't contribute anything to the query. It takes away from the momentum you've established.

Once again, just my opinion. But if Whirl seconds me, then I must be right. He's British, after all.


beth said...I do make it a habit to listen to British people. It's the Doctor Who influence. I'll take out that last paragraph...although I think I might change the beginning to be closer to Moth's suggestion--incorporate the myth into the info about the book.

Thanks again, all. Any further comments are really, really appreciated!


Xiexie said...The second version of the query is much better and gets everything across, and I was wondering the same thing about the English class. I do love unconventional teaching methods and materials; however, they're travels in learning through this magic seem more like a History class to me.

I don't find a huge problem with the final paragraph. I think such can show that the author knows his or her projected market. That's not bad, is it? (Anyone else care to chime in?)


beth said...I am a bit worried about so many people thinking it sounds like MG...once the kids discover the teacher is a prisoner (within the first 50 pages, btw), the story is a bit dark...it's not "pretty" magic, but fairly serious magic with some dark implications and results.

Does anyone have any ideas of how to show why I think my novel should be classified as YA?


Evil Editor said...Obviously a 12-year-old is more likely to have similar tastes to an 11-year-old than to an 18-year-old, so there's sure to be crossover between middle grade and YA. Certainly middle graders can handle dark magic without being traumatized.

Bookspot says: "Books written with young adults in mind confront issues that are of great importance to teens and their families. Coming of age, dating, fitting in, friendships, sex, drugs, self esteem, school, and relationships with parents and siblings are frequently addressed in young adult fiction. More than entertainment, these books can be a powerful learning and coping tool when a young reader connects with characters and what they are going through."

While this doesn't necessarily apply to all YA, it does suggest that mature issues are expected to come up in YA. So perhaps by leading with the fact that the new English teacher is a witch, you give the impression your book is for fifth to seventh graders rather than ninth to eleventh graders. If you're sure this book is YA, you could lead with something darker, but consider the possibility that younger people can stand dark books. Harry Potter is popular with middle grade kids, and often dark.


pacatrue said...If you want to add the snarky teenage attitude to the book, re-title it: Forget That!


beth said...Thanks, EE! I just signed up for my state's SCBWI conference, and one of the workshops is a comparison between MG and YA...think I'll be heading to that one first!


Stacy said...Buffysquirrel--You're not the first to mention that! *sigh* I think I must teach an unusual world literature class...I'm the only teacher at my school to have her kids read The Book of the Dead.

I would have so loved to be in your class.

The second letter is much better than the first. And I agree that you should lose the comparisons and the myth explanation at the end. It deflates the momentum you've built.


dave conifer said...For what it's worth, I'm in a similar situation. I'm querying something that I've been calling middle grade. Agents have been telling me that it's really YA (a little too dark for middle grade). But that isn't stopping them from reading it. I wouldn't sweat it. They know the fine line between the genres better than we do and if they like it, they'll work with you.

By the way, I have to be honest. I still don't understand how anybody can discuss the teacher and her magic outside the classroom given the blue door rule. I'm sure it's tight in the plot but for me it still isn't clear even in the newer query. But maybe it's just me.


dc said...Okay, now I get it. Alchemy allows the student, and also that other teacher, to get around the blue door rule.
If I 'forget' the first query letter than the logic of the second works for me now.


beth said...Thank you Stacy and Dave! And Dave, I am having a lot of trouble condensing a very complex plot into a query...there's actually an explanation for everything, even why she's a teacher and why she's been imprisoned in a school, but to try to pack it all into a query....argh. Writing the book was simpler.


150 said...Well that's your problem, then. You're not supposed to condense all that into the query letter. It should focus on the protagonist, what throws her life out of whack, and what she does about it. All that witchy backstory, when it comes to the query, is just noise.


Anonymous said...This certainly sounds interesting, and you've gotten some excellent feedback. I can't resist mentioning, though, that if the students are being introduced to the Book of the Dead, the pyramids at Giza would not be Choice #1 for a field trip. Either Saqqara (for the Pyramid Texts, ancestral to the BD), if you want pyramids; or Luxor, for the Valley of the Kings, the Tombs of the Nobles, etc.--New Kingdom tombs--would be much better spots.

Synopsis 37

Dear Evil Editor,

Here is my synopsis for the novel, I first did a chapter by chapter synopsis then this synopsis here it is.

                          

"got another one tonight baby." He said softly.

"That makes three, listen! Do you hear the sirens?"

"Do you hear the screaming?" 

Her smile seemed to grow again and he imagined that her tinted lips,

Impulsively he bent  his head to kiss her lips.
                      

From A Kiss before Strangling


The novel " A Kiss before Strangling" was written to add to the crime fiction book list; it is set in the fictional City and County of 1952 Tillman, Illinois; the point of view is told from the killer and Sgt. Younger. We introduce Sgt. Peter Younger and his girlfriend Sally Painter who was murdered. Sgt. Younger gets involved in the investigation to catch the killer. The two suspects are Tommy Davis who is the local theatre director who sleeps with Judy Walker, who is in the play while he has the hots for Sally Painter who is also in the play; the second suspect is Bob Green, a local newspaperman. The police Chief Jim Carter is summoned by the Mayor David Berk to talk about the Walker murder which he is catching hell about and to put pressure on the chief to solve the crime. It is revealed that Sally Painter had her lipstick smeared and later on it is tied to other murders. The killer does not rape or rob his victims. The date of the 25th of each month is the date the killer kills.

The newspaperman Bob Green is introduced as is the police identification officer at the Painter crime scene, it is later revealed that Green or Davis removed and switched the original prints from the Miller case because it had his name in them. The rift between the county sheriff and Chief Carter is revealed because the Sheriff is a political hack and the Chief has experience; the sheriff starts his investigation as all homicides are handled by the county sheriff, but the chief does not intend to share the case. Lieutenant Samuels and Jim Carter believe that the Helen Walker and Sally Painter murders are related. Sgt. Younger starts to go through the death records for the past six years to find related deaths. Sgt. Younger pulls in Joseph Zellinger an important man in the county cause his daughters death is suspicious, he throws Sgt. Younger out and the Chief issues an arrest warrant. It it revealed that the death which was the first actual murder of the killer was covered up by Inspector Allen Liebermann who was married and having an affair with Zellinger's daughter without Mr. Zellinger knowing, The Lieutenant, Chief and Sgt, younger now have three related murders. Zellinger threatens them with expulsion from the county if they say a thing.

It is learned that the first three victims all dated police officers and Lt. Samuels compiles a list of cops who have women. Officer Ben Saunders who is going out with Shirley Petrizza are being tailed by the killer who has chosen his next victim, Saunders was crossed off the list because he lied about having a women. The sheriff tried to frame an innocent man but is later foiled by the Chief. The Mayor, Chief, Lt. Samuels hash it out till the mayor reluctantly agrees with them on the methods of the killer. It is learned that the killer had a girl named Jenny Miller that lived in Tillman and died there six years ago; when her boyfriend gets released from prison he sees the crime scene prints and sees her in bra and panties laid out on the floor with what looks like bruises on her throat and he learns that a cop was there. He believes she was strangled and he wants the cops to suffer as he does; but the bruises are revealed to be grease that was on the hands of the cop who attempted CPR, (the killer does not know this) she committed suicide.

The sheriff in order to steal the glory from the Chief declares that March 25th a declaration of a state of emergency which is the next time the killer kills, since he will be top cop he gets the credit behind the chiefs back. Sgt. Younger finds the miller crime scene prints missing and that they were replaced. The police reveal what is being done to solve the murders. On Sunday March 23rd Lt. Samuels gives all the women dating cops special lipstick that will stain the lips of the killer. On the day of the murder police are assigned to all the women except Shirley. Sgt. Younger learns that Officer Ben Saunders has a women and yells at him while she is picked up by the killer who she knows because he eats at the soda shop she works at. The killer is revealed and as he flees the police he confesses to his last victim he is killed during the car chase and dies and the women lives.

This is the synopsis and the form I got out of a writers magazine I hope this does a better job that the query.

sincerely


Notes

Sorry, but it's tough love time, my friend. This isn't cutting it. Your writing ability hasn't reached the point at which you should be working on a query letter or a synopsis. You need to be working on what a sentence is. You need to learn the basic conventions of writing, This synopsis is filled with run-on sentences, comma splices, poor punctuation, grammatical errors, misspelled words...

Even when you master the fundamentals you'll be one of thousands of aspiring authors who've also mastered them, so the odds are against you if your goal is to make a living writing books. If your goal is simply to hold a copy of your book in your hand, it's not that expensive these days to have a few copies printed (by a book printer, not a publisher). You don't even need a query or synopsis if you self-publish.

Either way, you need to focus on shaping up your writing skills and then shaping up your book. After that you can worry about a query and a synopsis. Good luck.