Why you don't get published.
These are the posts in question (so far; more may be added after their AI program finishes reading the entire blog):
I implore you not to read these posts. And I apologize to those of you who may have stumbled upon them over the past 15 and 12 years respectively that they were available with no warning.
Captive of the Sea
2. In 15th-century London, a fair maiden falls for a sailor just before he leaves on a years-long voyage. Unable to find a suitable husband, she waits for her crush to return. But will he still want her when he discovers she's working in a house of ill repute?
3. Captured and placed in the Cleveland Aquarium, Nemo finds himself in the same tank with the barracuda that ate his mom. He escapes into the aquarium castle, only to end up behind bars in the castle's dungeon. Can Bruce the shark rescue him?
4. When feisty aqua-humanoid Namor wins a trip to the Moon, will his essentially pseudo-amphibian physiology hold him back from realising his dreams? Join the plucky fish-man in his quest to become the next Neil Armstrong and discover how easily laser-powered jet packs can incinerate your thighs.
5. Mara is stranded on a desert island. Her only way off is to marry the merprince and live forever 20,000 leagues below the waves. She's fine with long walks on the sand at sunset. By herself. And the occasional airdrop from the mythopoetic society.
6. A marine biology degree was supposed to help Patsy Greene save the whales. Instead it leads to life-and-death survival with killer hurricanes, cutthroat pirates, and watery tea. At least she can fill out a few more of the never-ending grant applications while waiting to meet Davy Jones. Also, ornery dolphins.
Original Version
Mawdlen [Cunnick] was born on King Arthur's grave.
That is the story her father told her, [Was Mawdlen's mother onboard with giving birth on King Arthur's grave?] along with legends of the King and his daring knights, who fell afoul of lovely maidens and fought their way through perils back into grace and favour. Then the battles of the kings of her own time begin anew, and Master Cunnick packs up his household and brings them to the teeming, reeking city of London. After some years, though the Wars of the Roses continue, [Presumably you don't refer to them as the Wars of the Roses, as they weren't called this till more than a century after they ended, or so I'm told.] their own hardships ease as Master Cunnick finds a measure of success as a merchant. One day, delivering her father's noon meal at his warehouse, Mawdlen meets a young sailor named [Mawkesh.] Santiago. He wins her heart, because he too speaks of knights and of errantry, but he is not yet master of his own ship, and when his captain sails, he must leave, too. [Or he could stay and become a knight, much more impressive to Mawdlen than just speaking of knights.]
The years pass and Mawdlen is now over late to be married, but she fancies none of her suitors, no matter how many fetes and dances she attends at the home of wealthier friends. Wealthier, because Master Cunnick's fortune has failed him, and every day the family's luck and prosperity dwindle further and her father sinks into dissolution. Mawdlen finds an opportunity to help and, unbeknownst to her family, begins to deliver goods for a back street merchant, not a member of any guild. She is unaware of the other businesses operating from the establishment. [Perhaps she should have looked at the sign on the front of the building.]
Notes
While Mawdlen was admittedly a known name in the 1500's, using it may lead readers to think you gave her that name because "maudlin," which means self-pitying or sentimental, often through drunkenness, is an apt description of her.
This is a bit long for a query summary, and the first two paragraphs are spent setting up the situation. They could be reduced to:
As Mawdlen Cunnick awaits the return of her beau/true love Santiago from a lengthy sea voyage, she aids her increasingly destitute family by taking a job delivering goods for a London merchant. A merchant who, unbeknownst to Mawdlen, has his hands in numerous corrupt and illegal businesses, from a prostitution ring to a gang of thieves.
Now there's plenty of room to get to your plot, which I assume is how Mawdlen's family becomes entangled in the villain's clutches and how M & S can escape those clutches. What's their plan, what are the obstacles, what will happen if they fail?
Becoming Lainie
1. After escaping from a cult, Elaine fears that the cult leader is still searching for her. So she cleverly changes her name . . . to Lainie. Problem solved.
2. When Mel's identical twin sister, Lainie, more popular, more talented, more everything, dies in a freak accident, Mel decides to pull the old switcheroo: Let everyone believe she's Lainie and Mel's the dead one. But can she pull it off?
3. Robert's beard stopped growing. Then he noticed his jaw line was changing. When he made that sarcastic comment to what he thought was a dream genie, he didn't think it would count as his third wish! Now he's becoming someone else!
4. Lance is the sexiest guy in the high school. All the girls want to date him. But none of the girls knows Lance has begun transitioning into Lainie. Once he becomes a girl, he figures all the guys will want to date her. She's kind of naive.
5. A morbid coming-of-age story about becoming the you you know you aren't but want to be but can't be. Because. Also, slime molds.
6. In this long-awaited sequel to Being John Malkovich, a ventriloquist finds herself inhabiting the body of singer Lainie Kazan.
Original Version
Artist Elaine Montague is a painter of houses. [The last house painter I hired thought he was an artist too. Namely, Jackson Pollock. The Homeowners Association wasn't impressed.] Houses with roots reaching into rocky earth, houses like circus tents balancing on a corner, windowless houses tumbling through whitewater. [Monet had his water lilies. Montague has her houses. Which are easier to draw than water lilies, especially if they're windowless; all you need is a rectangle with a triangle on top. And another rectangle for the door, unless the houses are also doorless.] Her art is a revelation, even to Elaine; it gives voice to her trauma, tells her where she is in her healing. Five years in a cult, she’s been ten years in hiding and believes Michel, the charismatic leader of the Aum Brotherhood has been searching for her. [If he's been searching for Elaine for ten years, the other members of his cult dispersed long ago.] In Colorado, her fifth state in ten years, she meets and befriends Mary, a purported therapist and the only other person living at 10,000 feet up a long, dirt road. [If Mary is the person who did the purporting, I'd go with "self-proclaimed."] [Also, there's no reason to call her a "purported" therapist unless she isn't a therapist. But it would be odd to meet and befriend someone, and have them lie about being a therapist. Unless it's a ruse to get you to reveal your darkest secrets so they can blackmail you. Hmm, have I stumbled upon your plot?] Elaine may have found the perfect audience to hear her story. Or not. [No need to say both "may have" and "Or not," as one implies the other.]
When Elaine’s ex-boyfriend, James, locates her after eleven years [Wait, her ex-boyfriend has been trying to locate her for eleven years? I'd be more worried about that guy than the cult leader. He sounds like the worst kind of stalker.] and needs help in retrieving his wife and four-year-old daughter from the Brotherhood, she fears being drawn back in by Michel, the powerful leader. [Okay, I didn't stumble upon your plot, but I stumbled upon a better plot. You can use it, no charge.] [What are the odds that one guy loses his girlfriend when she joins a cult, and years later loses his wife when she joins a cult? And it's the same cult?! This James guy must be a real prize; women keep joining cults just to get away from him.] [Was James ever in the cult, or was it just his wife and daughter? How long has James's wife been in the cult? Long enough that her daughter was born there? Did the Elaine/James relationship end when she joined the cult, or did it start when they were both in the cult?] When she unexpectedly comes face to face with him, Elaine must gather all her resources to resist what she fell so hard for eleven years earlier. [Shouldn't that be fifteen years earlier? Five in the cult plus ten in hiding?] She believed Mary was helping her. Now she's not so sure. [Are you saying she's not sure the free therapy sessions Mary's giving her are helping? Or are you saying she suspects Mary is in cahoots with Michel? Like Michel installed Mary 10,000 feet up a dirt road with orders to report to him if Elaine ever showed up there?] To keep her carefully built foundation from cracking she must dredge up the gems she’d learned at the Brotherhood and leave the rubble behind. [She left the rubble behind ten years ago. Can you provide an example of a gem?] Some days the only safe place to stand is at her [bullet-proof] easel.
Becoming Lainie, a suspenseful, literary novel complete at 100,000 words told from two perspectives (Elaine’s and Mary’s),
[Elaine's perspective: I'm a survivor.
Mary's perspective: This chick is wacko.]
is equal part present and past; Elaine’s life as a teen-to-young woman enthralled with her burgeoning spirituality and the eventual dark intimacy with her teacher. [Her teacher being Mary or Michel? I assume Mary, as otherwise it wouldn't be equal part present, but you do say Elaine learned useful gems from Michel, and don't mention anything Mary taught her.] From beginning to end, Elaine’s haunting paintings [Does she ever paint haunted houses?] depict her inner journey. [Are her paintings going to be in the book? That's worth mentioning, if so.]
In the spirit of My Dark Vanessa, this story is one of obsession and power dynamics. This may also appeal to fans of Evie’s interiority in The Girls, [I didn't realize the interiorities of fictional characters even had fan clubs. Though I will admit I wasn't crazy about The Catcher in the Rye, but I was a big fan of Holden Caulfield's interiority.] and (a much less noir) The Last Housewife. The novel was inspired by stories of people close to me, one who committed suicide after leaving a cult. [For once an author claims to have been inspired by a close friend, and I don't suspect she's really talking about herself.]
I’m a longtime writer whose fiction and poetry have been published in Earth Daughters, Raven’s Perch, and Harbinger magazine. I’ve received an Honorable Mention from the So las Awards-Traveler’s Tales (2020-21) for my short story, The Bathroom. [I'm currently working on a sequel, titled "The Closet."] I participated (2020) in the Community of Writers (formerly Squaw Valley) writer’s conference with Gail Tsukiyama as my instructor. With this novel (and another in its second draft), I am ready to seek representation. [These credits aren't going to sway an agent either way. Just say you've had several short stories published in literary magazines, and this is your first novel.]
And as a result of my involvement in the writing community and as a successful artist, entrepreneur, and teacher of art retreats around the world, I have an extensive mailing list as well as connections through social media. I understand the value of promotion and look forward to doing that.
Notes
I think I need to see a timeline graph covering the last 20 years. It could have dates along the x axis, and places along the y axis, and different-colored lines for Elaine, Mary, James, Michel, and James's wife, so we know who was where, when. In other words, this isn't clear enough.
Is there one main plot to this novel? Something to focus the query on? For instance the attempt to "rescue" James's wife and daughter? With the Michel parts and the running away parts thrown in as backstory? Trying to squeeze five years in a cult and ten on the run and whatever Mary has to do with it and the rescue is a lot for a query.
A standard format of the query would cover who's the main character (Elaine) What's her goal? (Rescuing James's wife? Surviving?) What's her biggest obstacle? (Michel's charisma?) What's at stake? (Her sanity? James's family?)
Did you consider making the two people in whose perspectives you tell the story be Elaine and James? They're connected to each other and to the cult. It's not clear that Mary is connected to them or the cult. She comes across as a hermit who may or may not be important to the story. Connect her or leave her out.
The author of the query featured just below this post would like feedback on this new version:
One of Khatsz's closest henchmen sees in Mir a tool to further their own treacherous agenda. [Is "their" referring to the henchman with a plural pronoun, or is it referring to the Khatsz army? Technically, it would refer to Mir, the most recently mentioned character.] Masquerading as one of these beings, they help him rescue a fellow dancer, evade capture, and survive attacks. [I know it's no crime to use plural pronouns in place of singular nouns these days, but it's making this confusing. "They help him" means the henchman helps Mir (him instead of them), but why does one henchman get a plural pronoun (they instead of him) while one spell Dancer gets a singular pronoun (him instead of them)? It could just as easily be "he helps them" or "they help them." Does this henchman have a name? "Bob helps Mir" would be clearer.] [Also, I don't like "these beings" when no beings were mentioned in the previous sentence. Maybe end the first paragraph with: "But Khatsz's closest henchman, impersonating one of these supernatural beings, infiltrates Mir's troupe in order to further their/his/her/its own treacherous agenda." That pretty much eliminates the second paragraph.]
Then betrayals within the army [which army?] put Mir and the other dancers on the front line. And inadvertently reveal how close to Khatsz the henchman is. Mir is severely injured protecting his fellows, kept alive but held powerless by the henchman. Playing along with this traitor may be the army's only chance to defeat Khatsz--or lead to [could make] Mir himself complicit in their defeat.
[Ending with Mir facing the crucial decision: should he play along with Bob the traitor or risk losing the war? is good, but being alive but powerless is not. I'd remove the middle sentence of that paragraph, and replace it with something like: "Mir realizes he can't trust Bob, but wonders: can he use him?"
If all this leaves your plot summary feeling a bit short, add a few more details, maybe about spell dancing.
I don't know how far into the book this summary goes. If the book covers an entire war, this query seems like it's covering just the first few chapters, which might be problematic.
To Dance with a Blade
1. Susan thought it would be a normal dance class. Little did she know she'd joined a dance troupe whose main source of income was assassinations. The tango is just the beginning.
2. When multiple countries combine armies to take on the brutal conqueror Thaeredn Khatsz, they know they'll need more than just their soldiers. They'll also need dancers.
3. There was bloodshed at the Bolshoi when the Sabre Dance in Khachaturian's Gayne ballet went terribly wrong. Who rigged the prop with a real blade and left superstar danseur Sasha Pashavich on the stage, legless and lifeless? Ace private eye Ivan Denisovich - after solving six Moscow opera and ballet stage murders in as many months, is pretty sure a pattern is emerging.
4. When the most handsome man at the ball asks Edwina to dance, she's thrilled. And that's before she knows he's the finest swordsman in the kingdom. And I'm not talking about the sword in his scabbard.
5. Charlie's mom always told him to never run with scissors. But she never told him not to waltz while holding a razor blade. So how is it his fault that his dance partner's back is gushing blood?
6. Seoun wants to join the ballet but his family has performed sword dances for the emperor for generations. With bankruptcy and a military draft waiting in the wings, can he convince his family there's more to art than a couple feet of sharp steel?
7. The complete history of fencing scenes in movies, from The Three Musketeers and The Count of Monte Cristo to The Princess Bride and Star Wars. Comes with a free Zorro mask.
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor
Zae Mir leads the spell-dancers sent with a multi-country army fielded to oppose the enslaving conqueror Thaeredn Khatsz. [Immediately I'm wondering if the enslaving conqueror is a cat and the soldiers and dancers are mice. Then I have some other thoughts: 1. You don't send a multi-country army to oppose someone, you send them to crush him. 2. If all armies sent dancers to accompany their soldiers, the world would be a better place. 3. Who sent the dancers? Were they ordered to go, or did they volunteer? I can't imagine any of the competitors on Dancing with the Stars volunteering to go into battle against an enslaving conqueror. Or being ordered to do so. 4. When I encounter the names Zae Mir and Thaeredn Khatsz before even reaching sentence 2, the only reason I'm not tossing the manuscript in the wastebasket is because they might be cats and mice.] The dancers expect to support the soldiers with healing, magical shields, and spells that enhance fighting abilities. [How does that work? The armies see the enemy coming at them with swords, and the general says, "Dancers! To the front!" and then the dancers move up and start doing a foxtrot to Black Sabbath's "Johnny Blade"? And this creates shields that the enemy can't penetrate?] They hope to enlist the aid of perilous supernatural beings along their march. [I don't think "perilous" is the right word when describing beings. It goes better with actions. I'd go with "powerful" or "unpredictable" or "powerful--but unpredictable--"] [A multi-country army with healing, magical shields, and enhanced fighting abilities needs supernatural beings' aid? Does the enslaving conqueror have his own supernatural beings?]
After a genius dancer doesn't return from negotiating with one of these beings, [Can a dancer who approaches powerful--but unpredictable--supernatural beings alone really be called a genius?] Mir stages a rescue. He risks creating a powerful enemy at the army's back. However, he's both reluctant to lose his colleague's skills and determined to bring all the dancers home from the war. ["Reluctant" doesn't sound strong enough. Dump the red words, or at least replace them with something like he needs his colleague's unique skills. Of course if he couldn't afford to lose this specific dancer, maybe he should have sent a more expendable negotiator.]
Meanwhile, one of Khatsz's closest henchmen sees in Mir the potential to further their own treacherous agenda. [Is "meanwhile" the right word? Is this happening at the same time as the rescue operation?] Incognito, they help him evade capture and survive attacks. Their continuing assistance will be the army's best chance to defeat Khatsz. Even if it is a setup. [In view of the book's title, I would argue that the dancers are the army's best chance to defeat Khatsz.]
To Dance with a Blade is a stand-alone fantasy adventure with series potential complete at 97K words.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Notes
Assuming the book progresses to the encounter with Khatsz, I don't see the need to include the paragraph about the missing negotiator and the rescue attempt. If you tried to condense the history of World War II into three paragraphs, you wouldn't devote one of the three to the saving of Private Ryan.
Is Khatsz pronounced like cats or cots?
Do the dancers use music? I mean, I know they don't have a band, but do the soldiers sing a cappella numbers to help the dancers stay in unison?
Do the dancers have swords while they dance, as the title suggests? That would lead to cool choreography, but it could get messy if they actually have to use the swords and get them bloody or stuck in peoples' guts.
Here's what I'd put in each of three paragraphs. Expand these with additional sentences as needed.
Paragraph 1: Zae Mir, leader of the "spell dancers," whose movements can mystically enhance fighting abilities, agrees/is ordered/volunteers to bring his squad/troupe/company to [place name] to assist the soldiers attempting to crush the enslaving conqueror Thaeredn Khatsz.
P2: When Khatsz's forces begin to gain the upper hand, Khatsz's closest henchman sees in Mir a tool to further his own treacherous agenda, and helps Mir evade capture and survive attacks.
P3: Mir must decide how far to trust this traitor, knowing that doing so may be the army's only chance to defeat Khatsz--or may lead to a quicker and more devastating defeat.
The Devouring Dark
1. The Halloween episode of a foodie competition goes horribly wrong when the lights go out. Can an epicurean vampire expose a vengeful murderer or will they both be blamed when hysteria descends into cannibalism?
2. It's dark. It eats people. But what's an elder cosmic horror supposed to do to get a hot date and pay the rent? Also, ancient kudzu-ravaged temples.
3. When Jarv received a "Wish you were here" postcard from Hell, he thought it was a joke. Now he smells brimstone, hears howls and screams from dark and gaping maws, and sees rotting, blood-dripping teeth. As a dentist, it's all pretty normal.
4. The planet Rojan rotates so slowly that night lasts fourteen Earth-years. Also, it devours all life, forcing inhabitants to constantly move with the rotation or die. Can one teenaged girl slow down the planet's rotation enough to celebrate her sweet-sixteen birthday party?
5. When shadow creatures battle soul eaters, the balance of power will be determined by which side one young woman fights on. Will she fight against the side that murdered her family, or will she lead them to victory so she can then have the satisfaction of murdering them all by herself?
6. No one knows where this entity comes from or why it exists. It descends upon the land once every year without fail, devouring sunlight, bringing darkness upon humanity, and lasting months. All cringe in horror at the fearsome entity known as . . . the end of daylight savings time.
Dear Evil Editor,
A secretive order of assassins, twelve initiates, eight magical houses, three deadly trials and one quest for revenge that will tear it all down... [If you can add 7 other items to this list, you'll have a song called "The Twelve Days of Darkness." Which is probably a better title for the book.] [I don't think that sentence is needed.]
20-year-old Briar Gem has been hiding among mortals for over a decade since her family was killed, waiting for her chance to get revenge. And so, when the Soul Eaters, the order of assassins that killed them, holds trials for new initiates she decides to enter, [Can anyone "enter"? They must vet the applicants.] [Also, maybe the order of assassins wouldn't have to keep looking for new initiates if they had a less-intimidating moniker. The Republican party was once known as the Soul Eaters, but they had the good sense to change their name (though sadly, not their platform).]with the goal of destroying them from the inside. [No eight-year-old kid would have the patience to wait more than a decade for anything. Plus, the turnover rate in the Soul Eaters would be so high that the ones who killed her family are already dead, in prison, or have gone into witness protection and settled down in the suburbs to raise families of their own.] But before she can get her revenge, she must first survive a deadly series of trials, competing against initiates who will stop at nothing to earn their spot. [Here's a tip for the initiates willing to do anything to become Soul Eaters: If you just want to assassinate people, you don't need to survive deadly trials and join an order of assassins. You just need a sniper rifle. Unless . . . are there perks to joining the Soul Eaters, like health insurance and a 401-K?]
As she struggles to navigate the trials and hide her true identity, [I don't see how hiding her true identity is a struggle. Just don't tell anyone. If they didn't find out when they vetted you, you're probably safe.] [Although, now that I think about it, anyone who applies to be in the Soul Eaters would be wise to use a fake identity. That's probably the first deadly trial. They ask you if you're using a fake name, and if you say no, they kill you because they don't want morons in their order.] Briar meets Wraith, one of the Soul Eaters’ most deadly assassins. [That's three "deadly"s in five sentences. Maybe use a "dangerous" or "lethal" now and then.] When Wraith begins to suspect Briar is hiding something, she must figure out the unexpected connection between them before he uncovers her secret. [That's pretty vague. What is the connection, and how does she even know there's a connection, and how does she know it's important to "figure out" this connection?] Briar’s plans are put to the test when she begins to develop strange new powers [What are her plans and what are her powers?] as mysterious shadow creatures attack the order. Briar and Wraith are forced to work together to unmask the true evil lurking within the Soul Eaters [This deadly assassin wants to help unmask the evil in the Soul Eaters"? Isn't he a major part of the true evil?] before Briar suffers the same fate as her family.
THE DEVOURING DARK is a dual perspective adult fantasy novel approximately 106,000 words in length. It will appeal to fans of CITY OF DUSK by Tara Sim, as well as NEVERNIGHT by Jay Kristoff.
I have been a book blogger and influencer for the past six years, working with publishers for the promotion of books on many occasions. [Anything you can do to influence people to buy Evil Editor's books would be appreciated.] My content focuses on fantasy novels, which has given me extensive experience with the genre. This would be my first published work.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Notes
As Briar wants to take down the Soul Eaters, why doesn't she just disappear and hope the shadow creatures do the job for her, instead of helping her sworn enemy defeat them?
Is Wraith one of the Soul Eaters who killed Briar's family? If so, I think in her place I'd kill Wraith and worry about the shadow creatures later. Unless she's a groundhog, shadow creatures are no big threat.
Briar's secret is that she's on a quest to destroy the Soul Eaters from the inside. Briar must "figure out" the connection between herself and Wraith before he uncovers this secret. I don't see how Wraith will be any less pissed at her if she's already figured out the connection when he uncovers her secret than he'll be if she hasn't yet figured it out.
Possible opening paragraph:
20-year-old Briar Gem wants to take down the Soul Eaters, the order of assassins who killed her family a decade ago. Her plan: join their ranks and destroy them from the inside. But first she'll have to deal with Wraith, the deadliest of the Soul Eaters, who suspects Briar is not who she claims to be.
Any specific information you can work in after that will help, even if it means leaving out a few things. Her plan has to be more concrete than finding out an unexpected connection between her and Wraith. For instance if she's about to kill Wraith with her super powers, and he says, "Wait, Briar, I am your father," it's okay to reveal that in the query.
