Tuesday, June 30, 2020

Synopsis 61

Sixteen-year-old SAMANTHA works as a nurses’ aide in a psychiatric hospital where voices whisper through the walls. After a man attacks her, then dies and evaporates, she's not sure whether she needs a psychiatrist or a psychic. [I don't see why a psychic would be useful. I'd say a psychiatrist or a new vocation. Better yet, she's not sure she isn't the one who needs psychiatric care.] In school, she's assigned to work with AIDEN, the son of a police sergeant, on a death and dying project. He tells her the guy was one of the undead and takes [her] to see his AUNT CINDA, a medium that gives her magic objects to use to help the guy who attacked her. [If, for some reason you want to help a guy who attacked you, the time to do so is before he evaporates.] 

Samantha's father talks her into seeing a psychiatrist. [Advice for Samantha: If, at your first session, you're planning to tell the psychiatrist about the whispering walls, evaporating man, or undead, bring a suitcase. You may not be going home for a while.] She doesn't think he's helping and she stops seeing him when one of the undead comes to her session and jumps out the window. [You know you're in trouble when even the undead can't bear to listen to your problems.] [What floor was that office on?]

Her younger sister, SYLVIE, confides to Samantha that she sees their dead mother who comes to sing her a lullaby at night. [Sylvie is thrilled to learn she's not the only nut job in the family.] When Sylvie gets sick and is brought to the hospital, their mother appears. This time, Samantha can see her mom who tells Samantha to forget about her wrongful death and help her father start his life again or she'll never be able to cross over. [Lot of pronouns in that sentence. I shouldn't have to work to figure out who each her and she refers to.] Samantha agrees to try.

When more undead come to Samantha for help, she realizes Aiden is right. Together they read The Book of the Dead and decode the mysterious and scary messages the undead are giving her. After Samantha and her mother visit the Underworld, she's able to help the last of the undead cross over. Samantha gets happy tears in her eyes when she sees new constellations in the sky, markers for where the undead, including her mother, crossed over.


This summary is closer to what should be in the query letter than what was actually in the query letter (see previous post). It's still all over the place for something so short. If someone wants a synopsis, they probably want more elaboration on the main plot and fewer mentions of stuff like the medium with her magic objects and the visit to the Underworld (If those are important to the main plot, they deserve more than one sentence).

I've said it before, plenty of agents don't even ask for synopses, possibly because reading one is sure to turn you off from even the best of books.

Friday, June 26, 2020

Face-Lift 1403

Guess the Plot


1. Perty's days working at Stillgrove Asylum have never been boring. Until now--the whispers have stopped.

2. Sixteen-year-old Samantha hears whispering. Is it ghosts, or has she just been working in the state mental hospital too long? Also, a visit to the circles of hell.

3. Mia picks up conversations in her retainer, but it's not the local radio station, it's a drug cartel using a government restricted frequency. With the help of two classmates--a conspiracy theorist and a budding actor--Mia will get into more trouble than three teenagers can handle. And maybe save the city.

4. Iggy the busboy must descend into the basement of Bud's Diner. This time he's on a mission to listen to the wireless for an important breakfast order from the French Underground. But the chatter he hears sounds more like a Guy Fawkes plan to blow up Parliament. Has he entered a time tunnel? Or does the free world now depend on himself and savvy waitress Loretta Muldoon?

5. Quiet voices tell Marge to torture small animals, but she doesn't believe in being cruel. They tell her that her parents are zombies; it's kind of cool to help them pretend to be human. On the other hand, Billy Westmeier should have been strangled at birth, long before he became host to a hostile-alien bug colony.

6. As he wanders in the dark on Halloween, hillbilly boy genius Buddy Boone hears whispering voices and realizes he's near the spot where Fred Jones, bootleg distiller, vanished during Prohibition. And he sees a foggy figure in the shrubbery. Plus his iPhone spectral apparition meter app is buzzing.

Original Version

Dear Ms. ,

Whispers is a 74,000-word YA contemporary ghost story which reveals secrets from The Book of the Dead.

Sixteen-year-old Samantha must help a group of whispering ghosts or they won't leave her alone. As she investigates, Samantha realizes there may be supernatural forces at work she cannot control. [She's been tormented by ghosts who won't leave her alone, but she's just now realizing supernatural forces are at work?] [What is she investigating? The ghosts? Or something the ghosts want her to investigate, in which case . . . What?] 

Samantha is compelled by an unseen entity to trudge from the bus to her after-school job as a nurses aide at the Wisconsin State Mental Hospital. [As she'd be going to her after school job anyway, how do we know an unseen entity is compelling her to go? Now that I think about it, am I freely typing at my computer right now, or is an unseen entity compelling me to do so? It's possible everyone in the world is being compelled to do everything they do by unseen entities. Was that the plot of The Matrix?] [Wait, is it the trudging part that's being compelled? She normally skips but now she's trudging? No, everyone normally trudges to their job. Especially if their job is nurses aide at the Wisconsin State Mental Hospital.] Menacing whispers call her name. Aidan, a boy in her psychology class tells her only she can help the undead cross over. [Are you sure the person who told her that wasn't a patient at the Wisconsin State Mental Hospital?] [How does Aiden know she's the one? She consults with a mystic and visits the Circles of Hell with her deceased Mom. [WTF?] Samantha must use what she learns to help the whisperers and her mother by Christmas or all the undead will be sentenced to wander Earth forever. [As ghosts or zombies?] [According to whom?] [How close to Christmas is it?] 

Whispers would fit on the shelf next to The Poison Thread (Laura Purcel [Purcell]), House of Furies (Madeleine Roux), and Asylum (Madeleine Roux). [As it happens, I have those three books on my shelf, and as you can see, your book would not fit next to them:]

At sixteen, like my main character, I worked as a nurses aide in a small-town Wisconsin hospital. The nurse in charge scheduled me to do mortuary care for a patient who had died in her bed the night before. It was so spooky, I kept waiting for the woman to sit up and say something. [Finally she did, but it was in Spanish, which I don't speak, so I clubbed her over the head, and this time she stayed dead.] As a new nurse, I worked nights on a psychiatric unit where many weird things happened that could not be explained and on a unit next to the one where Ed Gein, the serial killer popularized in Psycho, resided. I took first place in a Virginia Romance Writers YA novel contest and second place in a YA State of Florida Competition. My author page at Amazon is https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B000APFWWQ [That you've worked as a nurse in a psychiatric institution is relevant. Unless your dead patient said something or the ghost of Ed Gein whispered to you, the rest of this paragraph isn't helpful. More about what happens in the book would be a better use of the space.] 



A book set in a psych ward where Ed Gein is a resident and unexplained things happen sounds more promising than one involving ghosts, unseen entities, a mystic, The Book of the Dead, an undead mother, a visit to the Circles of Hell, and Ed Gein residing in some other ward besides the one where your book is set. 

If the one thing you tell me about your book is that it reveals secrets from The Book of the Dead, it might be better to touch on that in the query instead of on circles of hell and unseen entities etc. All this stuff is okay in the book which is 74,000 words. Working all that into your plot summary, which is a mere seven sentences, could give the impression your book is disorganized at best.

Is there something about Samantha that makes her the ideal person to help the undead cross over? 

Use this outline to summarize the plot, and see if it turns out more coherent:

1. What's Samantha's situation and what's her goal?
2. What's her plan and what obstacles could thwart it?
3. What will happen if she fails to achieve her goal? (Whether to her or to the universe.)

Thursday, June 18, 2020

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured here would like feedback on the following revision of the query.

Dear Evil Editor,

Natalie wanders the run-down edges of the city in search of superhumans whose uncontrolled powers destroyed their lives. [Assuming Natalie has a last name and the city has a name, use them.] Six years ago, Natalie struggled to gain control of lightning storms that plagued her, and now, she makes sure nobody else has to suffer terrifying super-powered episodes alone. She sends her rehabs home with a carefully crafted lie to explain their absence, and strict commands to hide their powers. Natalie rents in a cramped house with roommates Laura, who reads minds and often gets lost in them, Adam, who can fly (mostly to the six pack shop), and Youssef, who commands the wind to keep neighbors from smelling him smoke pot. [Has Natalie ever given her roommates strict commands to hide their powers?] [Is "six pack shop" a known phrase? Beer is available at convenience stores, grocery stores, package stores...] [Laura, Youssef and Adam probably do something worth mentioning in your synopsis, but they do nothing to advance the plot here, so they can be left out of the query. Or you could move this sentence to the beginning of the query as a way to show what kind of superhumans live in this world.]

One night in search of a new recruit, Natalie instead stumbles into a murder at the hands of the Witnesses, vigilantes who avenge loved ones lost to super-accidents. Natalie escapes, but any of her bumbling friends could be the next victim. Natalie can live lower than usual, moving faster between gig jobs, better hiding her face in public. But if Natalie can hunt the elusive Witnesses back without telling her friends, they’ll be safe again, at the cost of becoming the monster the vigilantes think she is. [So the vigilantes know Natalie is a superhuman?] [The vigilantes aren't gonna change their minds about superhumans if Natalie doesn't hunt them, so she may as well try to eliminate them.]

[This sounds like a good candidate for a graphic novel.] 

[I think something like the following, which may not be totally accurate, would tighten this up:]

Natalie Nettles lives in a cramped boarding house with three roommates: Laura (who reads minds and often gets lost in them); Adam, who can fly (usually to the six pack shop); and Youssef, who commands the wind (mostly to blow away his pot smoke). Natalie has her own power, controlling the lightning storms that once plagued her.

At night, Natalie wanders the run-down edges of Philadelphia in search of other superhumans whose uncontrolled powers destroyed their lives. Her mission: make sure nobody else has to suffer terrifying super-powered episodes alone. She sends her rehabs home with a carefully crafted lie to explain their absence, and strict orders to hide their powers.  

One night, in search of a new recruit, Natalie stumbles into a murder at the hands of the Witnesses, vigilantes who avenge loved ones accidentally lost to blundering superhumans. Natalie flees, but she knows any of her bumbling friends could be the Witnesses' next victim. Natalie can live low, change jobs, hide her face in public, sure. But if she really wants to protect her friends, the hunted must become the hunter--even if it proves she's the monster the vigilantes think she is. 

Thursday, June 11, 2020

Face-Lift 1402

Guess the Plot


1. Tinker, tailor, beggar-man, thief. In Actorburg, no one is quite who they seem, because, well, they're all actors.

2. When the Republican-led US government bans acting, actress Jenny Davis is confined to an actors re-education institute. Is this the end of her dream to be the next Sandra Bullock? Or will the Democrats regain power? 

3. It started as a social experiment, but now it's gotten out of hand. How can Julia Starling (real name Beth Smith) live life if everyone else in town is also acting their parts?

4. What happens when a bunch of wannabe actors take over an old ghost town set and start a Youtube reality series? Not what they hoped. At least the silver screen ghosts whose graves they disturbed are willing to fight the aliens who were looking to take on a population weakened by a pandemic.

5. The names have been changed. So have the dates, places, and most of the details. It's still the inside skinny on the most famous scandals of golden-age Hollywood.

6. When male actors turn 50, and  females turn 30, the roles dry up. That's when these thespians head for Actorburg, a town where their every action is scripted, "directors" order them around, and the reviews are always glowing.

7. Struggling thespian Titus Lemonjello asks his twin brother, who happens to be the mayor of Los Angeles, for cash to fund his next crappy movie. Things get heated when the request is refused, and Titus accidentally murders him. Seeing an opportunity, Titus assumes his twin's identity, and decides his first order of business will be to rename the city to better represent the kind of people who actually live there.

Original Version

Dear Sir or Madam:

What would America be like without actors? [It would be like Gilead in The Handmaid's Tale (though admittedly all I know about Gilead is what was portrayed in the TV series by actors).] [On the bright side, we wouldn't be subjected to any more Nicholas Cage and Keanu Reeves performances.] That’s the bold premise of Actorburg, my latest literary novel (complete at 127,573 words). [Actorburg sounds like a place devoted to acting, like a movie studio or Hollywood. Not a country without actors.] Because of your interest in a diverse range of literary fiction, I hope that this will be a good fit for us [and by "us" I mean "you," as it's already a good fit for me]. Comparable titles include Adjustment Day by Chuck Palahniuk and Campusland by Scott Johnston. I discovered you in the Poets and Writers Literary Agencies Database. [If you condense that paragraph to one sentence: My book Actorburg is exactly 127,573 words of literary fiction set in America . . . but without actors! you'll save the agent a lot of time. By which I mean she can delete your letter that much faster.]

Actorburg is set in a world in which the Republican-led American government has banned acting and classified the desire to act as a mental illness. 

The novel follows former actor (and teacher) Jenny Davis as she navigates the titular institute (otherwise known as the Southern California Actors Re-Education Institute, or SCARI). There, she must confront many challenges to her liberal beliefs—from the Actorburg staff, her fellow “inmates”, and the quickly-changing outside world. Can she forget about her past and forge a new future for herself, or will her old dreams always have a hold on her heart? [This is the only paragraph that has any information about what happens in your book, and it's all vague. Jenny navigates an institute, confronts challenges, and tries to forge a new future. That's the plot of every Harry Potter book.] [In fact, depending on your definition of "institute," it's the plot of every novel.]

As an “Army brat”, I grew up all over the country, with my favorite state being Alaska. [Sure, take the biggest one. I assume your favorite ocean is the Pacific, your  favorite planet is Jupiter and your favorite rodent is the capybara. Feel free to work those into the query letter too.] In my spare time, I am a freelance magazine editor--most recently for Shannon Media—and editor of the website Adventures in Videoland. My latest novel is The Burgeoning Heart of Bambi Bazooms, published in August 2018. [That's not impressive enough to risk that it'll convince the agent your query is a hoax.] [Also, never use both "titular" and "bazooms" in the same business letter.]

I hope you enjoy reading my novel just as much as I enjoyed writing it, and I look forward to your reply.



Scrap the whole thing. Put together a three-paragraph summary of the plot in which you tell us, with specific information, Jenny's situation, how she plans to change it, and what will happen if she fails. Then tack on a closing paragraph that includes the title, word count, genre. Comparable titles are okay if they're requested and comparable in more ways than genre. Your favorite state can be omitted. The agent won't care about your credits unless they suggest you will put money in her wallet; for example, I have published numerous novels under my pen name, Stephen King. 

Monday, June 01, 2020

Face-Lift 1401

Guess the Plot

The Anomalies

1. Things have been different for a while now. Yet Jake seems to be the only one to notice. Can he convince anyone else of the anomalies or will he be put in the nut house?

2. Natalie doesn't have much use for her super powers, so she spends her time training other superhuman anomalies and protecting them from vigilantes trying to avenge loved ones harmed by super accidents. Hey, it's a living.

3. It's a rare episode of Star Trek in which the Enterprise doesn't encounter a space anomaly, but in this fanfic novel, the ship encounters two anomalies!

4. Who can explain America's latest teen heartthrobs?... They play Glenn Miller, Stan Kenton, and Lawrence Welk, have neatly trimmed hair, no tats, no piercings, and they phone home after every concert. They're . . . The ANOMALIES!

5. When Rebecca sees spots through her telescope, she's not certain if it's aliens or her husband's mascara on the lens. Maybe he's having an affair. With an alien.

6. Felix Strell finds strange numbers in the account books for his customer Big Joe Mahoney. Should he tell the boss he's being scammed? Or try to get in on the action?

7. The five homes on the cul de sac are lived in by the Smiths, The Joneses The Johnsons, the Martins, and the Anomalies. Four of the families live in cookie cutter cottages. The other family lives in a full-size replica of the Eiffel Tower. It's a tall tale.

Original Version

In her spare time between gig jobs, Natalie rescues and trains superhumans whose powers strike like seizures. [Not sure if that means their powers come on unexpectedly, or they resemble actual seizures, or they can't be controlled or something else. And what does she rescue them from?] Years ago, Natalie fled the city to keep her lightning storms from hurting anybody else, [Anybody else besides herself or besides those they already hurt?] but now, Natalie has nothing to use her powers for besides tracing lightning across the sky to help her fall asleep. She rents in a cramped old house with roommates who can read her mind when they’re bored, who fly to the six pack shop to restock on beer, and who command wind to blow the smell of pot out of the yard. [Can all her roommates do all of these things, or is it that she shares a cramped old house with Mentalman, who can read minds, the Buzzard, who can fly (usually to the beer store), and Zephyr, who commands the wind (mostly to blow away the smell of pot)? This way has fewer words, but extra specifics.]

In a search for a new recruit, Natalie instead stumbles into his murder at the hands of the Witnesses, vigilantes who avenge loved ones harmed by super accidents. Natalie fears the destructive past she’s been hiding is to blame, and now everybody she’s saved is in danger. [I don't see why she would fear that, or why everyone she's saved is in danger. Does everyone she's saved have a super power? Because when super-powered beings team up, they often manage to defeat enemies a lot more dangerous than a bunch of human vigilantes. You think the Avengers would worry about the Witnesses when they've had to take on Thanos? Aquaman alone could handle the Witnesses.] [I might drop the last sentence, and work the information in the previous sentence into the next paragraph.]

When one of Natalie’s trainees has a public accident [That sounds embarrassing.] that draws the elusive Witnesses closer, Natalie can run and risk that the vigilantes know [discover] her secret, [If the vigilantes don't already know her secret, why was she afraid her past was to blame for the murder? Isn't her past the secret? I'm not sure running would give away her secret, unless she can run like the Flash. Running is what someone without a secret power would do. It's staying and attacking the vigilantes with lightning that would give away her secret.] or find a way to hunt the vigilantes back, saving her friends but proving the vigilantes were right to fear superhumans. [The vigilantes' motive was supposedly revenge for harm to their loved ones. If fear of anomalies is their main motive, no need to mention the revenge factor, as there are probably a lot more people who fear them than who lost loved ones to their accidents.]

THE ANOMALIES is a 95,000 word superhuman/science fiction novel that will appeal to fans of VICIOUS by V.E. Schwab, CHOSEN ONES by Veronica Roth, and Taika Waititi’s WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS. I studied Slavic Literature at the University of Pittsburgh with a focus on classics and science fiction. [Okay, I can buy people who fly and control weather and read minds, but no way do I buy that anyone would willingly study Slavic literature.]

Thank you for your time,


How often do superhumans have accidents? I'll admit it's likely that thousands of people die whenever comic book superheroes battle super villains, and that the editors fudge the numbers, but it sounds like your superheroes have retired, so there shouldn't be a lot of accidental deaths.

The voice is good. What I want to have clearly stated is what is Natalie's secret from her destructive past (Is it just that she's Lightning Woman?), what exactly will happen if the Witnesses discover it (It somehow reveals the identity of everyone she ever saved?), and how she plans to prevent this.

The superhumans don't seem all that super. Have they vowed not to use their powers for good because of the accidents? If they're willing to fly to the beer store, they ought to be willing to fly to their fortress of solitude to avoid the Witnesses.

When I plug "anomaly" into the search box at the top left of this blog, several old Face-Lifts come up. Maybe looking at them would be instructive or at least entertaining.

Thursday, May 14, 2020

Face-Lift 1400!

Guess the Plot

Don't Let Me Fall

1. Falling happens all the time in dreams. Except now people are dying from it. Can Steven figure out how to wake up in time?

2. "Don't let me fall," Ikenna prays after a lifetime (or more) fighting demons. But if he wants to escape this life, he must first escape the grasp of his self-righteous priest. Growing up in 1969 Brooklyn isn't exactly Easy Street.

3. An emotional look at what goes through the mind of a man who has worked hard and sacrificed love, happiness, and financial security to finally stand at the top of his chosen profession, on a quivering steel cable stretched between two skyscrapers.

4. Alicia books an adventure trip through the Himalayas to get over her ex. Unfortunately, her ex has the same idea. Since neither is willing to cancel, they're stuck working together, getting to see another side of one another, and once again falling in... Nope, not gonna happen.

5. It was a simple request, but the audience reaction as Luigi watched his brother Lorenzo plummet toward the big top sawdust told him that the Flying Credenzas had found the routine that would breathe new life into the family's circus act, though not, unfortunately, into Lorenzo. But just as thrill-hungry crowds peak, Lorenzo comes back... and he's hungry for brains.

6. When his best friend convinces Elgin, who suffers from vertigo, to go rock climbing, the results are predictably hilarious, except for the part where Elgin falls to his death. Actually, that part is pretty funny too.  

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Ikenna of Mantika knows slavery was a choice but fighting demons for the last 200 years wasn’t.

Forced to babysit the Ijinde family and protect it’s [its] members from their spiritual skeletons, Ikenna grows tired of having his freedom tied to someone else’s. When he [his] latest ward and friend is murdered as part of an overzealous High Priest’s plan for reparations, Ikenna decides enough is enough, he need [needs] a way out of this life. But when his search for an escape route leads him into the hands of the self-righteous Priest can Ikenna escape his grasp without endangering the Ijinde bloodline or will he risk everything to be free of his curse? [I have a lot of questions, and you have room to answer some of them in the query.

1. Did Ikenna choose to be a slave or choose not to? What was the other choice?

2. What are spiritual skeletons? Demons?

3. Whose freedom is Ikenna's freedom tied to? The Ijinde family's? If he's "forced" to protect the family, it sounds like he doesn't have freedom.

4. A High Priest has a plan for reparations . . . for descendants of slaves? How does murdering Ikenna's friend aid in this plan?

5. If Ikenna wants out of his role as protector of the Ijinde family, why does he still feel obligated to protect their bloodline? Why is endangering their bloodline a bad thing?

6. What are the terms of his curse?

7. He has the ability to fight demons for 200 years without getting killed, like an immortal superhero, but he can't rid himself of the Ijindes or some Priest?

8. You as if he will he risk everything. What everything? He's unhappy with his current situation, so what does he have that he risks losing?]

Don't Let Me Fall is a 95,000 word standalone adult urban fantasy with potential for expansion into a series. It is my first novel and the bulk of the story takes place in 1989 Brooklyn [Wait, what? This is set in Brooklyn? Maybe you could mention that in the plot summary. I felt like I was reading about the fictional kingdom of Mantika on the Gohr prison planet, Lycus IV.] and I drew heavily from my experience growing up there to come up with the world of this story.[Change that last sentence into two by eliminating one of the "ands". Or eliminate the part about it being your first novel. It's unlikely the reader will care how many unpublished novels you've written, and she knows if your number of published novels is greater than zero, you'd be trumpeting that fact in sentence 1.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

*The title for this book comes from a prayer Ikenna says regularly in the book.


You don't need to answer all my questions, I'm just saying that the query needs a lot more clarity, and since no one will complain if you take eight or ten sentences to summarize your plot, you can spell out some of this stuff that seems obvious to you but not so much to those who haven't read the book.

Just because you mention the Brooklyn Bridge in the book doesn't mean you've drawn heavily from your experience--although I have no doubt there were plenty of overzealous priests in Brooklyn in 1969.

The most common summary format is three paragraphs:

1. Who's your main character, what's his situation, and what does he want?

2. What's his plan to get it, what are his obstacles, what goes wrong, what's his plan B?

3. What choice must he make that will determine if he succeeds or fails, and what's at stake, i.e. what will happen if he fails?

This format may not work with every book, but it's a good way to organize your thoughts.

Also, those three careless errors in paragraph 2 may convince the reader that the book is riddled with careless errors. 

Monday, May 04, 2020

Face-Lift 1399

Guess the Plot

A Fable of the Faceless

1. In a world where some people have noses but no mouths, ears, or eyes, while other people have only ears or only eyes or only mouths, people must work together to accomplish anything. Assuming they can find anyone else.

2. Paglio was the star of clown school until someone stole his face paint. Now he's down among the faceless, juggling bowling pins, knives, and thoughts of homicide.

3. Anna's BFF convinced her not to eat anything with a face, but now she's seeing faces on mollusks, plants, and even Twinkies. Is someone trying to kill her? Also a nutritional spiritualist.

4. There's a fox who can't reach the potatoes on a high branch, and a crow who's on the branch. But neither of them has a face, so they don't even know there are potatoes. They can't even see each other. Moral: Worry about big problems, not the ones that are small potatoes.

5. Convinced she and her gorgeous family have got what it takes to become social media influencers, Billie enlists a bit of demonic assistance. She sells her soul to get millions of Facebook followers. Sadly, her hard-of-hearing helper gives her millions of faceless followers instead. Hilarity ensues when she discovers her fans have a taste for braaaains!

6. For Guido, life as a faceless minion means avoiding the heroes who come to fight the evil overlord, feeding the slime colony without being eaten, and making sure the red dye in his uniform doesn't bleed into his linens, because no one takes a minion with pink undies seriously.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I'm writing you today with my pitch for my offbeat fantasy novel, "A Fable of the Faceless."

Imagine, if you will, a very different world in which the senses we take for granted – sight, smell, taste, and sound – are not the domain of all mankind [Not sure "domain" is the right word. Maybe they're not all innate in mankind?] but instead divided across four races, each as distinct in culture as they are in appearance.

Kah is a sighted strider, born with a pair of deep blue eyes but no ears, no nose, and no mouth. [Just because you can't smell, taste, or hear shouldn't mean you don't have a nose, mouth or ears. Don't striders have to breathe, eat, and attach their earrings to something?] [People with mouths are the only ones who can taste, but are they also the only ones who eat?] [If a woman with a mouth needs a root canal, does she look for a dentist among her own mouthed people or among the sighted? I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with a blind dentist.] [Actually, the sighted would have all the best jobs: dentist, surgeon, cab driver, house painter . . . Meanwhile, tho only job you could get if all you had was a nose would be smoke detector.] Together with her fellows, she has lived a nomadic life, travelling the world in search of new and novel sights. [Other people travel the world in search of novel sounds or smells.] One day, just outside a vast and inhospitable desert, she spots a young boy babbling to himself and wandering aimlessly. Without a set of eyes or ears or even a nose to guide him, he is surely doomed to die. [Actually, he's the only one who's not doomed to die, as he can both eat and breathe.] [Maybe instead of babbling, the boy should be yelling, "Hey is there someone with ears around who can hear me and help me find someone with eyes to take me home?"] 

Against her better judgement and the direct orders of her captain, Kah leaves behind the only life she’s ever known to help him find his way home. Along the way they are joined by a vigilant listener whose people carry lyres and communicate through a language of pure music, [See, now if they had no tongues to taste with, but still had mouths for breathing, they could use harmonicas, which are easier to carry than lyres and when you want to communicate that you're feeling down, it's easier to play the blues on a harmonica than on a lyre.] and a mysterious benosed stranger with a brutal reputation and a mission of retribution. [He wants revenge on the guy who hung a durian around his neck.]

At first, just finding ways to communicate is their greatest challenge – after all, how do you speak with no mouth, or listen with no ears? But they will have to learn fast. Their world is not without its dangers. Enormous reptilian beasts stalk the wilderness, leaving carnage behind them in their wake. [What? You wait until the query is almost over before mentioning the only characters that have any chance of being alive when the book ends?] And behind the walls of civilization a cult of fire-worshiping earfolk expands its influence and grows deadly in its fanaticism. [Sorry, but I can't take seriously a ruthless fanatical cult whose members all carry lyres.]

At 85,000 words, “The peons of Peonia” will be my first published novel. [That sounds like the title of a different book. Maybe it's the title of your second published novel.] I would be delighted to send a detailed synopsis, sample chapters, or the entire manuscript. I appreciate your time and interest in my work and I look forward to hearing from you.



I Googled "Faceless person" and clicked on images. Pretty much all of the images had ears. So either ears aren't considered part of the face, or Google could only find images of earfolk.

Also, most of the images were creepy. It's hard to focus on the story when you have creepy images of faces that have only mouths or noses in your brain. Of course, in Peonia, only people with eyes are subjected to these images. People with normal faces whose senses don't work would make this concept easier to swallow. Of course, in Peonia, only people with mouths have to swallow it.

Assuming you've really managed 85,000 words in this world, you need a query that focuses on Kah's goal, her plan, her obstacles, and what's at stake if she fails. All we have is she wants to help a kid find his way home while avoiding reptilian monsters.

Wednesday, April 29, 2020

Face-Lift 1398

Guess the Plot

The Dreamers of Knotty Netherbrook

1. In the small village Knotty Netherbrook, no one dreams. Not anymore. Not since . . . the 'Incident'.

2. In Knotty Netherbrook, a dreamer's dreams after drinking a drachm from the dreaming ditch decide the dreamer's destiny. It's a weird place.

3. Nightmares a problem? Lack of sleep? Want to add spice to those boring dreams about being naked, falling, and going to work? Call the Dreamers of Knotty Netherbrook for a personal morpheus to make bedtime so much more. It'll only cost a few years at the end of your life which you probably would have otherwise spent in cancer-ridden agony anyway.

4. After her family moves to Netherwbrook Cottage, Mia stumbles upon a sanctuary for lost and forgotten imaginary creatures in this sequel to The Magic Animals of Yetanotherbook. The sanctuary is a dream-world created by Anne, the previous resident of the cottage, but with Anne gone, a monster now stalks the grounds, and it's getting stronger. Moving is always such a hassle.

5. The Netherbrook artists colony is more than a bit naughty, and no one knows that better than carpenter-cum-milkman Dick Wilkins. But when the paternity tests come out, will Dick find his own dreams have landed him in a bit too much reality? Also, carbon dating.

6. Night after night, Alison Chaines lies awake in frustration while her useless husband snores next to her. She tries sleep aids but nothing seems to work, until a friend offers her a tiny purple pill that works too well. She slips into a coma and finds herself locked in a dream of Netherbrook, a tiny village in the alps known for serene views, crisp clean air, and ridiculously handsome men who know a thing or two about the art of bondage.

Original Version

Middle child Mia Blake is sick of having to share, be it a room with her little brother or a planet with her depressingly perfect sister. One problem is solved when her parents become caretakers of a rambling country estate, the other - to Mia's considerable alarm - when she stumbles upon a sanctuary for lost and forgotten imaginary creatures. [It's probably clear enough that the 2nd problem is solved, but it might be better to say: Both problems are solved, one when . . . and the other when--to Mia's....]

There she meets Calamancer the fox, who remembers very little but insists it is Anne, his owner, who is lost: Anne, who lived in Netherbrook Cottage before Mia, and created the dream-world she has found. With Anne gone, the sanctuary cannot hold. Already a monster stalks its dark places, devouring nightmares and growing stronger.

Meanwhile, Mia's parents need her help restoring their new home. They're on a shoestring budget and a tight deadline, and every pair of hands counts. If Mia hopes to stay long enough to learn Netherbrook’s secrets, she'll have to pull her weight.

Helping both Calamancer and her parents without dozing off in her dinner is hard enough, but just as Mia starts to think she has something truly special all to herself, she meets Sara.

Sara can also walk in two worlds, and doesn’t like finding Mia there one bit. Sara says Calamancer can’t be trusted, and her dream companion - a dragon - is terrified of him.

As Mia untangles the mystery of Anne’s disappearance, she realises it's no accident her family and Sara's are on a collision course.

Someone knows Mia is special, and wants Anne's sanctuary protected. 

Someone wants it destroyed, and the Blakes gone.

And someone is feeding the monster.

With the sanctuary, her own life, and everything her parents have worked for in danger, Mia must decide: which will she risk, and which will she try to save?

The Dreamers of Knotty Netherbrook is middle-grade contemporary fantasy, complete at 83,000 words. Dreamers is my first novel.

Author's note: About the title: Dreamers was written for my daughter. Noticing a pattern in her choice of reading material I asked if the latest was The Magic Animals of Yetanotherbook. She stuck her tongue out and told me to do better if I could. She says I have, but I wouldn't draw any conclusions from that. So the title is an homage to a dad joke, and the story was written to please one little girl. I hope others will too, one day.


I like this. If you can do without the red words, it will be about the length of the average agent's attention span.

Not sure we need to know all or any of the following, but I'll ask anyway:

Are Anne's parents the previous caretakers or the owners of the estate? I assume the latter, as otherwise Anne's disappearance isn't a mystery. She moved.

Did Anne disappear while in the dream world or the real world? Either way I assume there'd be a massive search going on in the real world.

So Mia's goal is to find Anne and return her so the sanctuary can "hold"?

Monday, April 27, 2020

New Beginning 1089


I turned Hellfire over in my hands. It’s not easy to get a gun in India, especially when you’re nineteen, but I managed. Don't ask me how. When Castor Castlevere puts his mind to something, it happens.

I put the semi-automatic to my head. The hard part was over. Now all I had to do was pull the trigger.

My fingers refused to cooperate. What was stopping me? I knew I wanted to do this.

With a jolt, I realized I couldn’t tarnish the memory of this house for my family.

Yes, that was it. I wasn’t afraid; the very idea was ludicrous. Castor Castlevere is the bravest, boldest person you’ll ever meet.

I’m also caring and compassionate. Not on the level of a Mother Teresa, but way above the average person. Everything about me is miles above average. That was one reason I wanted to quit this life. How would I ever cope with being something less than other people? Castor
Castlevere, until now always the most brilliant, most handsome guy in class, could never accept being considered a monstrosity, an object of pity or ridicule.

I stood, but somehow I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other to walk out of my bedroom, let alone the house. What was going on?

Light bulb moment! I couldn’t exit this life without letting my family know where to find my body. I wasn’t so selfish as to leave them wondering.

I stepped into the parlor, where my family was having tea and discussing politics. "Castor Castlevere will be found on a bench at the south end of the park," I announced.

"It is rude to interrupt," my father said. "We were discussing important matters."

"Castor Castlevere does not care," I replied boldly. How could any matters be more important than me, anyway? Did I mention I was miles above average?

"Who is that person?" my mother asked. My sister burst out laughing.

"Do not laugh at Castor Castlevere!" I shouted. In addition to being more caring and compassionate than anyone else in the world, I could also become more angry. Everything about me was just … more.

"I am not laughing at Castle Creepyvere," my sister said. "I am laughing at you!"

"Your name is Pradeep," my father said. My mother nodded in agreement.

Lightbulb moment! I didn't want to kill myself after all. The world needed me in it. But something had to be done about this family. I pulled Hellfire from my pocket and pointed it at my father's head, and pulled the trigger. Then the same for my mother. Aiming at my sister, the worst of them all, I pulled the trigger over and over again.

"Where did you get that?" my father asked. My mother looked both shocked and angry. My sister laughed louder than ever. If I am the best of everything, she is exactly the opposite.

It's not easy to get bullets in India, but one day I am going to get some. Don't ask me how. Castor Castlevere's mind is made up about this.

Opening: Crossword.....Continuation: JRMosher