Thursday, July 27, 2006
Guess the Plot
1. Paraplegic Stacey is ecstatic to get a new pair of robotic legs - until the "off" button breaks.
2. The lone ranger and a child-like giant form an unlikely friendship and walk through the forest, unexpectedly emerging in the center of a war.
3. When Ida sees her cruel Boss, Marty, mugged, will she use her cameraphone to snap a picture of the perps to aid in their capture, or will she Walk On?
4. It's murder backstage at the Hightown Drama League's production of The Scottish Play. Can walk-on extra Barbie McDaniels solve the crime before she's axed from the cast?
5. Bored with his humdrum life, Jeremy Brighton set himself a challenge - to walk all the way from New York City to Los Angeles . . . without stopping. But hunger and sleep deprivation weren't the only obstacles Jeremy would face on his cross-country trek; his ex-wife, a young Elvis impersonator, and an elite group of Australian ninjas all had their own reasons for stopping Jeremy before he reached LA.
6. Arnold Plush, dashing carpet salesman extraordinaire at Rugs to Riches, dreams of shag, but his sales assistant, Bitsy Berber, no doormat herself, has one piece of advice: Walk on!
I wish to attain your interest in my fantasy novel, entitled Walk On. Written as the first book in a three-volume series, the story concerns a young man named Jordi. Jordi is considered by many to be “a special boy”, [Because he's blind, but can see with his amazing visor.] despite the fact that this “boy” is twenty-one years old, seven feet tall, and mightier than any normal creature on the face of the earth. [Mightier than a rhinoceros? Mightier than the mightiest bull elephant? Mightier than Mighty Mouse?]
The reason Jordi is considered “a special boy” is because he has the mind of a child. He is a lackwit, a simpleton. Mentally challenged. [Okay, I get it. Did you think you were talking to a lackwit?] But to the villagers who live with him in a small place on the edge of the frontier, he is also is a miracle, a living wonder, for they have seen his true essence underneath the simple mind and childish persona. They know Jordi has the power of a god.
Those powers are put to the test one summer afternoon. A band of creatures unlike any the villagers have ever seen emerge from the wilderness and attack their settlement. [And Jordi uses his godlike powers to destroy the attackers and save his people?] The beasts move fast and smart with the controlled fury of professional soldiers. They waste no motion. Spare no victim. The violence occurs so quickly that when the initial shock finally dissipates, only one survivor remains. [Turns out Jordi was as mighty and powerful as a tall guy.] Alone, Jordi finds himself surrounded, confused, and near death. Then something else emerges from the wilderness. Or rather, someone. His name is Wethyn and he is a ranger. He helps Jordi escape from the monsters and together they flee deep into the forest where no foe can follow. [If a seven-foot guy who was near death a while ago can go somewhere, why can no foe follow?] From then on, the two men form a bond similar to that of Lennie and George, a la Of Mice and Men, and begin a journey [to a rabbit farm?] that takes them into the center of a war sweeping over their land. [A war that symbolizes a rabbit farm.]
But this is only one-third of the full manuscript. The tale includes two more storylines, detailing the life of a royal councilor guiding the kingdom’s war effort and a century-old priest seeking a savior to liberate his people in another land. [I don't recommend Jordi for the job.]
The novel is 132,000 words and complete through three drafts. May I send you a sample chapter? I have also enclosed an SASE for your response.
All we really have here is one early scene from the book. The other two storylines sound more interesting, though presumably they all intersect.
The main problem is the slow and simple pace/style. It sounds like a children's book:
Jordi is considered by many to be “a special boy." . . . The reason Jordi is considered “a special boy” is because . . .
Then something else emerges from the wilderness. Or rather, someone. His name is Wethyn and he is a ranger. He helps Jordi escape from the monsters
The letter needs to sound more impressive if it's to impress an editor.