Why you don't get published.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Face-Lift 129
Guess the Plot
Lions and Butterflies
1. As the Spanish Armada approaches the English coast, Queen Elizabeth I calls on previously unknown powers and unleashes elemental creatures to destroy the invading fleet.
2. In an unprecedented act of interspecies collaboration, a pride of lions team up with a flight of butterflies to defeat the proposed housing development that threatens them both.
3. Due to poor cell phone reception, wedding planner Rodrigo misunderstands the bride's request that her outdoor wedding be surrounded by hundreds of dandelions and butterflies--with tragic results.
4. A science experiment gone horribly wrong unleashes flying lions hungry for nectar--and they think people are flowers.
5. In a post-apocalyptic world, crossbreeding has reached a breaking point. Survival now depends on a difficult pairing, stretching physical love to its limits.
6. Evil genius Rex Schaberg has done it at last: created the perfect mutant--a butterfly that can tear a man to pieces.
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor,
I am a children's author with two young adult fantasies due for publication by [Big Time Publisher] in March 2007 and March 2008. [Sounds like you're doing fine without Evil Editor.] I have recently finished my third novel for young adults and am seeking representation before I approach my editor with the manuscript.
LIONS AND BUTTERFLIES is a historical fantasy for young adults, set in an alternative history during the time of Queen Elizabeth the first and is complete at around 75,000 words.
In 1588 King Phillip of Spain’s Armada landed successfully on the British coast. Queen Bess was waiting to meet it. Watching the enemy ships anchor in numbers far greater than expected, and with little hope of defeating them, the Queen desperately called on previously unknown powers and unleashed terrible elemental creatures to destroy the invading fleet utterly. [There's something odd about creating an alternate history in which the Queen causes the Spanish Armada to fail, as they failed anyway.]
In the wake of this stunning supernatural victory, things changed in Britain. The forces released by Bess could not be called back or ignored. Faeries, fey and other dark creatures from tales of old suddenly appeared and made their presence felt.
In the year 1604, the Queen is aged seventy-one and still shows no signs of aging, though her mind is deteriorating rapidly. [Isn't that one of the key signs of aging?] As her grasp on reality fades, sinister beings and rogue wizards stalk the countryside more and more openly. [How, exactly, does one determine that the Queen (or anyone else) is losing her grasp on reality when sinister beings and wizards are stalking the countryside, and faeries and dark creatures from tales of old have come to life? Is the Queen the only person who doesn't see all this stuff?] [It's the opposite of The X-Files, where Mulder knew what was going on but everyone else said it was swamp gas, and called him crazy. The Queen says it's swamp gas, and everyone thinks she's crazy because they all believe it's vampires and trolls.] [The difference being that people actually told Mulder he was crazy, because they didn't have to worry that he would have them beheaded.]
Meanwhile, Tess of Winterbourne – the most powerful and influential woman in the realm, after the Queen – plots and schemes to place her orphaned grand-daughter, Arbella Stuart, on the throne. Arbella, born on the day of the Spanish Invasion, is now sixteen years old, and the Queen’s closest living female relative. As Tess's efforts to use the elemental powers that besiege the Kingdom grow more successful and her beautiful grand-daughter is readied for a strategic marriage, [She's uniting humankind with the Unseelie world by marrying the king of the goblins.] Tess is confident her plans will soon come to fruition.
But Tess fails to take into account the terrible strength of the dark magic which she seeks to control – or the courage and hidden gifts of her granddaughter, Arbella.
LIONS AND BUTTERFLIES is based on the life of the true Lady Arbella Stuart, who died in the Tower of London in 1615, but was held to have been one of the most brave and beautiful women in England. The story asks - what might have happened if Arbella could have escaped the machinations of her grandmother, and had the chance to shape her own destiny. What if Arbella had been born into a land that still possessed magic? [That still possessed magic? Meaning, What if she'd been born before the fairies and ogres were all wiped out by the comet?]
I hope you enjoy reading the three sample chapters I have enclosed as per your website's instructions. I would be happy to hear any comments or suggestions.
Yours Sincerely
Revised Version
In 1588, Spain’s Armada anchors off the British coast. With little hope of defeating the enemy, Queen Bess desperately calls on previously unknown magics, unleashing terrible elemental creatures to destroy the invading fleet. In the wake of this stunning supernatural victory, the forces released by Bess--faeries, fey and dark creatures from tales of old--shall make their presence felt evermore.
1604. Tess of Winterbourne – the most powerful and influential woman in the realm, after the Queen – plots and schemes, using the elemental powers that now besiege the Kingdom, to place her orphaned granddaughter, Arbella Stuart, on the throne. Arbella, born on the day of the Spanish Invasion, is now sixteen years old, and the Queen’s closest living female relative. As Tess's beautiful granddaughter is readied for a strategic marriage, Tess is confident her plans will soon come to fruition, for the Queen's mind is deteriorating rapidly.
LIONS AND BUTTERFLIES is a historical fantasy for young adults, set in an alternate history during the time of Queen Elizabeth I, and is complete at about 75,000 words. The novel is based on the life of Lady Arbella Stuart, who died in the Tower of London in 1615, but was held to have been one of the most brave and beautiful women in England. The story asks what might have happened if Arbella could have escaped the machinations of her grandmother, and had the chance to shape her own destiny. What if Arbella had been born into a land of magic?
I am a children's author with two young adult fantasies due for publication by [Big Time Publisher] in March 2007 and March 2008. I am seeking representation before I approach my editor with this new manuscript. I hope you enjoy reading the three sample chapters I have enclosed as per your website's instructions.
Yours sincerely,
Notes
If the woman was one of the most beautiful and brave in England, it seems an alternate history asking what might have happened had she had the chance to shape her own destiny would be interesting enough without bringing in the magical powers of the Queen, and the "creatures." What would have happened if Arbella, rather than James, had followed Elizabeth I to the throne of England?
Then you can also write a second book, an alternate history that asks, What if Queen Elizabeth I had had magical powers?
Of course, maybe the combination makes it more appealing to the young adult audience.
I was going to suggest a non-alternate history, but I see from a check of Amazon that this book already exists, and looks like a good one.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
23 comments:
Bess and Tess are the two most powerful women in England? I dunno, I might change one of the names.
This is like that one novel, '1490 Fantasy,' the story of what happened to Columbus when he landed in America and ran into this androgynous-looking guy with an oversized sword, and accidentally unleashed some kind of ancient evil.
And that book, 'Morrowallace,' which is a great take-off on William Wallace's use of a complex junctioning system to align his magicka in order to defeat the English.
Ooh, also, 'Inca Quest!' That one was always fun, because you could take either the point of view of Atahualpa or Pizarro (Atahualpa has a better attack skill, but Pizarro can carry more and his final weapon is better).
I'm personally working on my own history-meets-RPG novel, 'Mecha-Franklin' (tentative title). It's the story of a man discovering his ability to summon ancient Mech warriors buried under the Canadian tundra to help him find the Northwest Passage.
1492, even. Gah. *headdesk*
There's a typo in EE's redraft - 1614 for 1604, unless he is advocating changing history (and perhaps introducing the nexus of time travel itself?)
The concept (QE1 uses magic to defeat the Armada but it all goes a bit wrong) is very like that of Susanna Clarke's Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell (the Duke of Wellington uses magic to defeat Napoleon but it all goes a bit wrong). If this book is as well written and original as that one, it might do OK.
Once again I guessed the correct plot. Fake plot #3, though, gets my vote as the funniest.
Wow, I got to the end of the Guess the Plot list, and thought, "But they all sound insane!"
Fear not, however, dear author; it was EE's filtering that did it. Your query letter makes the premise sound like it would make a great book. :)
Thanks to Evil Editor and the Minions for your helpful (and hilarious) advice and comments.
"What would have happened if Arbella, rather than James, had become Queen after Elizabeth?"
Um ... fewer people would have thought it weird that James had become Queen?
Oops.
I dunno... I'd read a book about cross-dressing in the Tudor period.
Oh, I am so happy it was #1! I really wanted it to be that!
Good luck, writer. I'll buy it.
LOL! King James I probably would rather have been queen--he's reputed to have had leanings in that direction.
Why change Bess of Hardwick to Tess of Winterbourne if you're using Arbella Stuart? Just wondering. This sounds like an interesting book--sometimes it's so hard to get out of your own way in a query letter and let the plot shine through.
Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norell was absolutely brilliant. I loved Brussels being temporarily shifted to somewhere in the American West.
Bess and Tess are the two most powerful women in England? I dunno, I might change one of the names.
I think he did actually. I think they were both really named Bess.
Sorry, I can't be cynical or nitpicky about this one--I love the premise, and I'd love to get to read it.
You know... from what I've heard about King James I, maybe the use of the word "queen" isn't so far off.
Back again to answer some questions:
'Bess and Tess are the two most powerful women in England? I dunno, I might change one of the names.'
I already did (well spotted Kathleen!). Arbella's real-life grandmother was called Bess, so I've changed it to something similar but not quite the same for the sake of clarity.
'Why change Bess of Hardwick to Tess of Winterbourne if you're using Arbella Stuart? Just wondering.'
'Cos I'm painting the character as an unutterably evil murderer, and her descendents (who are still rich and influential in England, and still bear the Hardwick name) might take exception to my smearing the name like that. I've also changed several other vital details, including Arbella's birth date and, you know, the whole magic thing.
Thanks again everyone - and thanks especially to Whitemouse, Doretw and Desert Minion for expressing suck positive sentiments with regard to the storyline. I hope you WILL get the chance to read it someday.
~sigh~
Wish you'd had James be the one to unleash the dark magic.
I don't like James.
Arabella nearly made it out, you know.
If she had, history certainly would have been different.
EE's version is more direct and condensed. I also like the way he couched your publishing at the bottom, rather than starting out with it. I think the first version might make people think, "Well what do you need me for then?" I think it's a good way to go, especially if you want to keep the primary focus on what you're presenting. If what you're pitching sounds good, they'll be willing to wait until they get to the 4th paragraph to read a quick mention of your credits.
Anyway, nice job. I really didn't get this: "an alternative history during the time of Queen Elizabeth ," but EE has taken care of that quite nicely.
good luck!
I love this premise. Good luck with it!
I checked out the writer's website after reading the revised query letter, which sounded really good, and also seeing that she had already published two books (which made me think - wow, and she still thinks she needs help? I knew query letters were the hardest things in the world to write!). Just wanted to point out that her novel The Swan Kingdom has one of the prettiest covers I've seen. Makes me want to buy it just cause of the cover art. Oh and her book sounds good too.
I don't know whether to be concerned or reassured that even published authors still need help with their query letters (although hers was alot better than others we've seen.)
Does the Author know that Sir Francis Drake was rumoured to have sold his soul to the devil in exhcange for the defeat of the Armada? It's still a part of any biographies, and there are quite a few legends about it.
Just a fun fact.
I don't know whether to be concerned or reassured that even published authors still need help with their query letters (although hers was alot better than others we've seen.)
We still need help with the writing part, too.
There isn't any point, ever, as a writer when we feel like we know everything and no longer need to improve.
I really like this idea. Yes, "Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell" did something similar but I think there's room in the field for more than one magical alternate history, especially if this one has its own unique style and perspective.
Post a Comment