Face-Lift 109

Guess the Plot

Barely There

1. There's a guy who does some stuff, but then some other guy tries to stop him from doing the stuff, in a plot that is.....barely there.

2. Vince wants Kerri back; but can she trust a schizophrenic man who almost got her killed to advance his career with the French government?

3. Cecily hardly makes enough to provide for her three children after her skirt-chasing husband abandons her. A moral decision has to be made when she's offered the chance to become an exotic dancer to pay the bills.

4. Suffering from a malady that causes his body to shrink by 40% each year, Simon desperately wants to walk his daughter down the aisle at her wedding. But Shari's wedding plans don't include a nine-inch-tall dwarf.

5. Joe Lamont streaks at Wimbledon during the women's semi-finals, hoping to win the attention of Missy Messina, the number-one seed. What he doesn't count on is the sniper in the crowd aiming at his crown jewels.

6. Jack Steele never expected to be forced to go to work for his sister's lingerie company. Now, up to his neck in panties, he must deal with an all-woman office and a rival company that put the "hostile" in takeover.


Original Version

I am seeking representation for Barely There, a 113,000-word commercial/political novel set in South America that deals with schizophrenia, genetically modified soy and child trafficking.

Kerri Mansfield felt the travel brochure should have come with a warning; “Welcome to Brazil, a country of endless beaches, velvety jungles and cities crumbling into desperate poverty. Please try to avoid the homeless children, drug rings and police death squads. If at all possible."

Because now Kerri has a problem. She has promised her bed-ridden sister-in-law that she will find two children she’s never met hidden in a country of 170 million. [Who are these children?] To do this, she bribes a prison guard and purchases an inmate, [How much for that stud in cell block 14, the one with the ripped biceps?]

[Kerri: I'd like to buy an inmate.
Prison Guard: Pardon me?
Kerri: An inmate. You do have some in stock, don't you?
Guard: I'm not sure you understand what--
Kerri: I'll give you $500 American.
Guard: Welcome to Cell-Mart.]

a victim of the violence and poverty in Brazil. The young prostitute, arrested for selling drugs in the slums, knows what happened to the children. [How does Kerri know that this woman knows?] But she doesn’t want to tell.

Worse still, Kerri runs into Vince, the man she left five years ago after he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. [You're mentally ill? I'm outta here.] All she wants from Vince is his signature on the divorce papers, but his intentions appear romantic. Can she trust him when the last time they were together he put her life in danger to advance his career with the French Government? [Does he really love her, or does he just want her to buy into his genetically modified soy business?]

Vince: I want you back, Kerri.
Kerri: The last time I saw you, you were dangling me over a shark tank for the amusement of Jaques Chirac.
Vince: Hey, it got me the ambassadorship to Brazil, didn't it?

Kerri barely has time to be suspicious of Vince's strangely-timed change of heart. Her car explodes, her papers are lost, a seven day party begins, the prostitute vanishes and people start shooting at her. [Apparently they all miss.] Then things start to get complicated. [Hey, that line was in Face-Lift 72's query. Did you write that one too?]

Set during Carnaval, Brazil’s wildest and most anticipated celebration, Kerri [No, no, it's the book that's set during Carnaval, not Kerri.] finds that, sometimes, barely being there for someone is worse than not being there at all. [Not clear who is barely there for whom.]


Revised Version

Now that she was in Brazil, Kerri Mansfield wondered why the travel brochure, among its photographs of endless beaches and velvety jungles, hadn't included a warning: Please avoid the desperately impoverished slums, the drug rings, and the police death squads. Kerri had promised her bed-ridden sister-in-law Kim that she would find Kim's two missing foster children, hidden in a country of 170 million. But it was quickly becoming clear that she was in over her head.

To make matters worse, Kerri runs into Vince, the husband she left five years ago after he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. All she wants from Vince is his signature on the divorce papers, but he's more interested in rekindling their romance than in closing the door on it. Before Kerri can even address her suspicions of Vince's motives, her car explodes, her papers are lost, a seven day party begins, and people start shooting at her.

Barely There is a 113,000-word commercial/political novel set during Carnaval, Brazil’s wildest and most eagerly anticipated celebration. The story deals with schizophrenia and child trafficking, and reveals that sometimes, barely being there for someone is worse than not being there at all. If you'd care to consider representing the book, I'd be happy to send along sample chapters or the complete manuscript.


Notes

The genetically modified soy and the purchased inmate only led to unanswered questions, so I cut them. You do need to identify the children.

I'm not sure this wouldn't be more interesting without Vince showing up. He's ancient history. Presumably it's not a coincidence, and presumably he is somehow involved in whatever happened to the kids or he helps find them. If not, I'd dump him. If so, why not make it clear in the query?