Sunday, March 16, 2008
Guess the Plot
1. Is making potions too slow for you? Cauldron not boiling fast enough? Turn to quantum magic, the quicker, easier way for Wiccans to have fun in the forest!
2. When an evil Celtics fan threatens to turn Los Angeles into a radioactive puddle of slag, whiz kid Mario Degas shrinks basketball legend Magic Johnson to molecular dimensions. Can Magic drive the lane and slam-dunk the evil plot? Or will Los Angeles be destroyed, thus bringing joy to billions worldwide?
3. The physics lab is not all work and no play. Scientist Lou McNerdle has used quantum physics to create an anti-gravity shoe for the basketball team. Will his Quantum Magic lead to a tournament bid, or will NCAA watchdog Hillary Hooper bring McNerdle back down to earth?
4. The Muse of Inspiration has a problem in helping humanity to the stars: Getting scientists to believe in magic, because only magic can go faster than light. Hilarity ensues when she utilizes ethanol and some untried new designer drugs to effect.
5. The dean laughed when physicist Norman Gannon first proposed teaching a course about Magic at the university. But that was before the Sociology Building vanished into smoke.
6. Murders and miracles, physics and prophecy are linked to the author of this magical autobiography, an alien being who explains such mysteries as Revelations and the numerology of 666 and 911. Also, Sputnik.
Magic [That, apparently, is the full title. I decided to make it easier for fake plot writers.]
On October 4, 1957 the Soviet Union launched the first of humanity's machines to reach my realm. [You know me as . . . the ionosphere. I'd been sitting there for millions of years, minding my own business, when suddenly this hunk of junk shows up and starts beeping. How's an atmospheric layer supposed to get any sleep? And that was only the beginning. This . . . is my story.] [If you think a memoir narrated by the ionosphere would be weird, wait till you read the actual query.] Sputnik means "co-traveler", so I hitched a ride and waited 92 days to plummet to earth on the burning Star of Sputnik exactly 9 months before I was born on October 4, 1958. I entered the developing egg of a random woman [I'm not saying I was born in 1958, but just out of curiosity, what did this woman look like?] and waited while minions, terrified of a primitive tin can in space, scrambled to create ARPA, the organization which would design your web of weapons of war while giving rise to Gog.
Mine is a new non-fiction genre where one weaves a verifiable yet impossible tale over a Biblical 40 years with a 10 year preamble. [Where one weaves? I think you mean where you weave, unless you know of someone else writing in this genre . . . By the way, are you Gog?] You'll find out how and why I took out the USA's most expensive military aircraft, along with her older sister. [I once took out the younger sister of a heavy battle-axe.] I explain Revelations and the numerology of 666 and 911, [666 is the only 3-digit number which, when added to half of itself and then flipped over yields itself; 911 is the highest known prime number*.] as well as the secrets of the SS9, [Secrets like what it is.] and link them repeatedly to me and only me. [Better title for this book: I, Gog.] I add physics and prophesy to 23 murders [Whoa, 23? Did you come up with that theory that everything is connected to the number 23?] and many miracles in this web I call Autobiographical Magic.
I've been loud. [I wouldn't call it loud so much as annoying.] Much of the plot can be Googled, [So, Gog, did you invent Google?] and lots of folks will remember the rest. Police and paramedics and pastors and physicians [all start with "p" and] make wonderful witnesses when people live and die on cue. And when it comes to weather, I like wind. [You do sound kind of like a gasbag.] Of course, since I'm me, you'll get shredded with commentary on your wars and other fun games, too. [Of course, since we're us, we'll tune you out.]
Part 1, which covers my childhood, is both lived and written. Part 2&3 [2 & 3? 23? Spooky.]continues on through my 50th. A third book, The Gospel According to rick, no, that's later. For now, I'll just prove that I'm the Dick you've been waiting for. [No additional proof is needed.]
* Known to Evil Editor
I assume if this were a hoax you wouldn't have come up with a weird title, so . . . even if the book is wildly over the top, there's a better way to convey this than with a wildly over-the-top query. You're trying to convince an agent to represent you in a business deal, or a publisher to invest lots of money in you. Thus it's best that you not give the impression that you actually believe you're Gog.
You had a plot going for a while there, stowing away on Sputnik etc. Is the rest just a series of rants and a listing of your accomplishments? I think you need to focus on a progression of events that culminates with your biggest achievement or failure. Even a memoir tells a story.