Guess the Plot, Mystery Edition

The titles below were nominated in various categories for the 2007 Edgar Award, named for Edgar Allen Poe and given to the best mysteries of the year. Can you tell which are the actual plots of the books and which were conceived by your fellow minions?


1. The Pale Blue Eye

a. Confronted by a month of mysterious phone calls, unexplained power outages and strangers watching her house, Penelope Tweeters hears a knock on the door one night and spies a Pale Blue Eye in the peephole. What happens next will determine the course of her life . . . and that of detective Roger Masterson.

b. Ruthie goes to Church for her yearly confession, but once inside the booth she is startled to see the priest's pale blue eye pressed up against the grating, staring at her unblinkingly as she speaks, and by the time she's done Ruthie is thoroughly shaken. The next day she learns that Father Melius is dead. Now she's wondering whether that was him during confession. Thankfully the new priest, incorruptible Father Andrew, has an inquisitive streak himself and doesn't mind comparing notes with Ruthie.

c. Carla Giovanni, star of Sotheby’s surprise ratings monster “Auction House”, thought she was in the Magyar border town of Sopron for one night, a quick stop on her lecture tour of Europe--until the Hungarian Secret Police showed up with a warrant for her arrest. When Carla learns she’s accused of stealing the world’s most unusual gemstone, she must evade the authorities long enough to track down the real thief of . . . "The Pale Blue Eye."

d. Retired New York City detective Gus Landor is summoned to West Point to investigate the hanging and subsequent mutilation of a cadet. Further outrages occur; the removal of the victims' hearts suggests that a satanic cult might be at work. Can Landor solve the crimes aided by none other than Edgar Allen Poe?


2. The Dead Hour

a. After terrorists crack the moon into three pieces, civilization lies in ruins and plagues ravage the survivors. Small-time stand up man, Wesley Watterington of Walla Walla wages a war on despair against Wanda the Wicked of Washington to prevent despair from taking over the Earth.

b. When 21-year-old crime reporter Paddy Meehan follows up a late-night disturbance complaint, the attractive man at the door assures her, as he had the police, that the incident won't happen again. Behind him is Vhari Burnett, a blond woman with a bloody face. The man bribes Paddy, as he had the police, to keep quiet. The next day brings the news of Vhari's death. Paddy suspects foul play.

c. After a day and two nights lost on the desert, Markus makes it into an oasis town called Harness. Not trusting his recovering wits, he refrains at first from complaining about the town's odd customs, like the fact that every male wears a long nail behind his ear. But when he finds out that everyone is expected to spend every noon hour in the town's huge underground bomb shelter, wordlessly working on a monument to the Matriarch Lilly (who may or may not be still alive in the biggest house in town) Markus feels the urge to investigate.

d. Someone is killing the residents of Little Pine. Six murders in six days, and every one of them committed at the same hour. Detecive Pete Scarborough must nab the "Midnight Murderer" before the clock strikes twelve again, but so far the only clues are the stopped watches found in each of the victims' mouths.


3. The Virgin of Small Plains

a. Tiffany Spring Padovani opens a chicken ranch in the East Texas wilderness. After battling cattle barons and a disastrous winter Tiffany invites her girlfriends Amber and Celeste to create "The Virgin of the Plains" whorehouse, eatery and part-time livery service. But when Celeste is found murdered in a locked room of the bordello, Tiff and Amber must solve the crime while dealing with an incompetent--or corrupt--sheriff.

b. Nathan Shellenberger, sheriff of Small Plains, and his teenage sons, Rex and Patrick, discover the naked frozen body of a beautiful teenage girl. Later, Nathan and "Doc" Reynolds bash the girl's face to an unrecognizable pulp, since they know who she is and fear that either Patrick or Rex's best friend, 17-year-old Mitch Newquist, is her killer. Witnessing this terrible scene is Mitch, hidden in Doc's home office supply closet where he's gone for a condom to use with Abby, Doc's 16-year-old daughter. 17 years later, Abby and Rex—now the sheriff—find another blizzard victim, Mitch's mother, dead near the marker commemorating the still-unidentified "virgin."

c. The funny thing was, there weren't any virgins in Small Plains. The mystery was, who was responsible? The chief suspects were playboy Lance "Love Machine" Parker, model Troy "Pretty Boy" Martin, and gas station attendant Freddie "Foot-long" Wells.

d. Amber is known throughout the Small Plains region as the most unattainable damsel around. Three brothers compete to win her hand...or anything else they can get. Matt's in love; Jon is moved by lust; and Horace is a domineering first-born who simply has to win every game. A few days after a tornado, Amber walks in to town from the empty West, exhausted and covered only in a blanket and lots of hay. She's not talking but a few months later it becomes apparent she's pregnant. Now Horace, who begins to repent his egoism, feels that he must discreetly find out whether his family is responsible for Amber's condition or whether her silence signals a situation better left alone.


4. Liberation Movements

a. While researching deaths on a Pacific island, Proctologist Walter Mathews discovers a sinister plot to take over the world using genetically modified breadfruit plant products. Will millions die of constipation or will Walter unleash the worlds largest liberation movement. Plus a cow.

b. When a boatload of Cuban refugees reaches Miami, the passengers are put in holding cells. Next morning one of them is found murdered. Does INS agent Alberto Raina have the cojones to take on a murder investigation before the cops take things into their own hands?

c. Veggie Libbers were killing vegetable gardeners all over Pretty Oaks and had to be stopped. Omnivore Ben O'Brady vowed to eat nothing but beans until the Veggie Libbers were stopped. Would he find the murderers before having a liberation movement?

d. Intelligence officer Brano Sev supervises the investigation of a murder in Russian-occupied Prague in 1968 that's later tied to a plane hijacked by Armenian terrorists on its way to Istanbul in 1975. If anyone can solve the mystery, it's an intelligence officer named Brano.


5. The Faithful Spy

a. John Wells, an American CIA agent, has spent the last decade successfully infiltrating the inner sanctums of al-Qaeda. Now he's been recruited as one of the primary participants for an act of terrorism designed to bring the U.S. to its knees. After being taken into custody by a suspicious CIA, Wells escapes and goes undercover on his own. Can he prevent whatever terrorism al-Qaeda is looking to unleash?

b. At the end of WW2, six young women formed the Society of Violette to maintain the secret of the Ultraviolet weapon and the Infra-pink interrogation technique. Over the course of six decades, they create a cadre of ultimate spies. Only the return of Communism can justify their continued existence.

c. Marta Marlin was a faithful wife, mother, and friend. But when she saw her husband, daughter and best friend in a pawn shop together buying a gun, she had to know why. She had to become . . . The Faithful Spy.

d. When the CIA tries to kill Wes Miller, one of their agents, he's forced into hiding. The Chinese unsuccessfully attempt to recruit him, but when his family are kidnapped he must decide who's responsible and which side he's really on.


6. Sharp Objects

a. Pansy Poppinchalk collects sharp objects at estate auctions. She has Nelly Bly's hatchet, Jack the Ripper's scalpels, Sweeny Todd's razors and Charles Manson's toenail clippers. When dead and dismembered bodies start turning up killed by Jeffrey Dahmer's jackknife, the police suspect Pansy and her eclectic collection. Can she convince the police of her innocence and find the killer in time?

b. When a young girl is murdered and mutilated and another disappears in reporter Camille Preaker's hometown, her editor sends her there for a human-interest story. As Camille works to uncover the killer's identity, she also uncovers family secrets as gruesome as the scars beneath her clothing.

c. Sally Sterling received a letter in the mail each day with just one word. Knife, sword, ice pick, awl . . . The police didn't take it seriously, but Sally wanted to know why someone was threatening her with . . . Sharp Objects.

d. Composer Neil Jensen is found dead in his seat after the first performance of his latest symphony. The suspects include the conductor, Jensen's wife, his mistress . . . actually, pretty much everybody had a motive. But who, in the middle of a concert hall, had the opportunity?


7. The King of Lies

a. Successful author, 25 y/o, fit and just out of the Navy, wishes to tutor cute, young, aspiring female writer. Object: marriage. I have three best sellers, a Hugo Award and an Edgar. Millions see my screenplays and my three dead wives are happily ensconced in a mausoleum.

b. Used car salesman Bob Carter will lie about anything to make a sale. Unfortunately, when Carter's wife turns up dead, no one believes his alibi; the cops don't even look for another suspect. Enter private detective Lou Robespierre, who digs up a motive and three suspects. But can Robespierre pin the murder on one of them?

c. Trapped in a loveless marriage and haunted by poor emotional choices and his sister's psychological trauma, Jackson Pickens finds himself under suspicion when his father's corpse surfaces more than a year after he was last seen alive.

d. Pathological liar Tom Stafford couldn't tell the truth if his life depended on it. He even framed himself for murder to avoid telling the truth. When his lawyer quit in disgust, would Tom be the King of Lies or the Queen of Cell Block C?


8. Holmes on the Range

a. On a dude ranch in Texas, Sherlock Holmes is drawn into one of the most baffling cases of his career. Three horses have disappeared from a corral, yet the muddy ground surrounding the corral shows no hoof prints or wagon marks. Also, the owner of the ranch has been murdered, but that part's not nearly as intriguing.

b. One night in 1892, Old Red becomes smitten with Sherlock Holmes on hearing his brother read "The Red-Headed League" around the campfire during a cattle drive. Determined to follow in his hero's footsteps, Old Red gets the chance to apply the master's methods at a ranch, whose general manager is found dead after a stampede.

c. They called him Sheriff Sherlock to annoy him because Bart Holmes was the worst sheriff in Texas But when someone tunnels into the bank overnight and makes off with fifty thousand dollars, it's up to Bart to solve the crime. Will he find his courage . . . and his bullets?

d. In a true kitchen nightmare, culinary crusader Gordon Ramsey meets Sherlock Holmes in this time-traveling mystery, wherein the great detective comes to modern London to uncover the truth behind a range of butchered cooks.


9. A Field of Darkness

a. Native American Sheriff Buck Inghorse has his hands full with a triple homicide during the Fifth International Convention of Weredingos in the Field of Darkness Convention Center. Can Buck find the killer before he, she . . . or it strikes again?

b. Some thought Indians were buried in Dark Field. Others thought space aliens were entombed there. Only Mark Martin knew the truth: every one who had ever been cross with him was "reforming" there.

c. When Madeline went into the newspaper field, it was to write fluff pieces. Nothing in her background prepared her for trying to solve the bizarre 20-year-old murder of two young women, a crime that her cousin, Lapthorne Townsend, might have been involved in.

d. A power outage in East Shreveport leaves the minor league team's baseball stadium in darkness for six minutes. When the lights come back on, shortstop Phil Hargroves is lying dead on second base. Luckily off-duty detective Jack Lawrence was attending the game, but there are no eyewitnesses on . . . A Field of Darkness.


10. The Open Curtain

a. A student is found at the scene of a multiple murder at a remote campsite. He has minor injuries and few memories. Lyndi helps him "open the curtain" blocking his memory and they set a wedding date. But trouble comes when they try to trick the priests by giving themselves new names that match the killer and the victim in a murder committed by Brigham Young's grandson.

b. When the plush velvet curtains of the Pantages part to reveal the corpse of actress Dame Catherine Holt lying in a gory heap, LA homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: he's going to be pulling serious overtime, and he'd better get his new wife orchestra seating to "Wicked" to make up for this fiasco.

c. Chakira left the curtain open in the department store dressing room giving detective Pooky Rottellini full view of the map tattooed on her left cheek. Can Pooky romance Chakira into revealing the rest of the map without telling her the secret of the lost treasure? Or will Pooky spill the beans while exploring Chakira's secret valley?

d. Everyone in Great Falls is dying to star in the Falls Community Theater's newest production, MYSTERY. When a prop gun gets replaced with a live one on opening night, with tragic consequences, the small, close-knit town collapses in on itself. Can Sheriff Amy Long open the now locked doors and silent voices to to uncover the murderer?


Answers below.



Fake plots provided by Dave F., Pumkin828, Khazar-khum, Precie, Bill H., AR, and EE.


Actual plots:


1. d; 2. b; 3. b; 4. d; 5. a; 6. b; 7. c; 8. b; 9. c; 10. a

New Beginning 429

The princeling was scared. Wide eyed, shaking and pale, like a typical steer. He probably would have bolted if Tibe hadn't been standing between him and the door to the bar room.

Tibe hooked his foot around a chair and pulled it across to sit on. At the other end of the table, Marcus sat down. The princeling though, remained standing. Was he waiting for an invitation? Or ready to make a quick get away? Tibe sniggered.

Marcus coughed. "Tibe, this is Prince--"

"I know who he is."

"Well then, Randall, this is my friend Tibe." Marcus tugged at a strand of blonde-tipped hair. "He's the Raven Second, as I said."

The princeling nodded. "That's good." He hadn't realised that by now? Tibe scowled. Even if the steer wasn't familiar with the colours of the armbands, the raven tattoos should have been a giveaway. Tibe pushed a gold chain down his arm and leaned his elbows on the table. Even a steer couldn't miss the black birds now.

Tibe flexed his muscles, making the ravens look ready to take flight. "You're going to help us," he said, and leaned forward to emphasize the menace in his voice. "You're going to tell us how to get into the castle after dark and lead us to the King's chambers."

"I can't." The princeling rubbed at the sweat on his forehead. "Never -- I won't betray the King."

Tibe slammed his fist onto the table. "Do you realize who we are? You don't do what we ask, you'll be carrying your balls home in a bag."

Marcus coughed and shuffled his feet.

The steer reached into his pocket and pulled out a small velvet pouch that he had carried with him since puberty. "Like this?" He opened the pouch. "Why do you think they call me the steer?"

Tibe's eyes widened and his face paled. This was going to be tougher than he thought.


Opening: Xenith.....Continuation: Anonymous

Face-Lift 473

Guess the Plot

Sangre de Cristo

1. In the Sangre de Cristo Mountains, a young man embarks on an epic journey to obtain a wagonload of dry goods with which to begin a career as a tradesman. Also, sophisticated intangibles.

2. Circus entertainer Joe Cristo was a great juggler, until he tried it with knives. Now occupational therapist Betty Jane Rumbaugh must help him find a new profession, which won't be easy what with Joe being a quadriplegic.

3. Hip Santa Fe artist Sage Barrens gets a day job waitressing in a little cafe. One day a customer finds a tortilla that doesn't just have the figure of Jesus on it -- it also bleeds. Soon pilgrims flock to the cafe, and Sage is making a fortune in tips. But then the blood is found to be that of Sage's missing ex-husband . . . and her career really takes off.

4. As a small child in Kansas, international superspy Mae Wong studied Japanese culture at Joe's Little Princess Tea School, until she discovered the sinister old Tea Master was really a double agent working for the notorious Sangre de Cristo gang. After foiling their plot to transfer control of civilization to an old man at the Vatican, she goes on to topple Communism and has her way with Hollywood producer Thor Jones.

5. Archaeologist Montana Smith suffers disillusionment when, after a lifetime of searching, she discovers the Holy Grail. The cup itself is unremarkable, but Montana becomes a pariah when tests reveal that it was filled not with Sangre de Cristo--the actual blood of Christ--but with Sangria de Cristo . . . a mediocre Spanish wine concoction.

6. Six characters who all have terminal illnesses, defective libidos, and psychiatric problems compare their medications, contemplate the wallpaper and manifest their various pathologies in a way that is horrible, yet mesmerizing to behold.

Original Version

Please accept my query for SANGRE DE CRISTO, a character-based historical novel set in New Mexico at the time of Mexico’s independence from Spain in 1821. It is the story of three men from different cultures caught in the clash between Spain’s declining empire and America’s emerging one.

Kincaid is an entrepreneurial lad from Missouri, Manuel is a disenfranchised peasant from Taos, and Joe is a philosophical, black American slave. They struggle through the turmoil caused by the Mexican revolution and the arrival of the first Americans. Young Joshua Kincaid suffers numerous physical and emotional challenges as he grows to manhood and navigates through the alien ways of church, state, combat, treacherous love, slave raids, bitter rivalries, and struggle to become a trader on the Santa Fe Trail. He is mentored by Joe [He's mentored by a slave? Whose slave is Joe? How does Kincaid have contact with Joe?] who is the moral compass of the book, and befriended by Manuel who is in danger of slipping into peonage. Kincaid is seduced by Maria, Manuel’s daughter, so Kincaid will help her father capture and sell slaves to avoid selling himself into servitude. [Maria. I just met a girl named Maria. And suddenly, I'm deeply involved in the slave trade.] Kincaid’s acts on the slave raid trouble him greatly and estrange him from Joe, Maria, and Manuel. ["I didn't mind helping you capture and sell people into lifetimes of slavery; I just wish we'd done it with more kindness."] After traveling to St. Louis to obtain financing and to buy trade goods,

[Banker: What can I do for you?

Kincaid: I need financing to buy goods, which I will take one thousand miles to the badlands of New Mexico and trade for stuff. Then I'll return and pay you back with my profits.

Banker: No, seriously, what can I do for you?]

Kincaid returns to Taos in triumph [Apparently he managed to get some goods to trade. I think calling him "triumphant" is overdoing it.] [Wait, the triumph is that he rode two thousand miles in the old west without getting killed.] to battle one rival and to find Maria pregnant and married to another. [How do you solve a problem like Maria?]

Underlying the story is the thesis that Spanish colonial policy failed New Mexicans economically, socially, militarily, and religiously, and trade with Americans opened new opportunities. The book is the first volume of a series about America’s conquest of New Mexico in 1846. [I hope the book is the first in a series of novels set against the backdrop of America's conquest of New Mexico. The way you're describing it, it's a history book.]

A major theme is slavery which was pervasive in what is now the American southwest. In fact, New Mexico was the last state to abolish slavery. Various forms are contrasted: traditional enslavement of blacks and Indians, peonage, and the church’s exploitation of pueblo Indians at missions. A particularly dramatic episode is a slave raid to steal Navajo children. Religious issues are also explored. Hence the title which means Blood of Christ. It is also the name of the mountains of Santa Fe and Taos. [I don't need to know any of this stuff. Focus on the main characters.]

The novel will be controversial because the story presents many subjects deliberately ignored in American history. I have researched the subjects meticulously and can support every assertion I have made. [In fact, my appendices and footnotes comprise two thirds of the book.]


Hampton Sides’ BLOOD AND THUNDER and Luis Alberto Urrea’s THE HUMMINGBIRD’S DAUGHER [Daughter] and THE DEVIL’S HIGHWAY have demonstrated that a large market exists for books dealing with the borderlands. All three have been bestsellers, and their movie rights have been optioned. [Thus it's safe to assume that my book will be a bestseller and it's movie rights will be optioned.]

I won the Southwest Writers’ Group’s national contest for historical fiction in 2000 with the genesis of this story. I became interested in the period while a professor at the University of New Mexico.

I look forward to promoting the book. I have extensive experience selling sophisticated intangibles ([Grace, charm, class, refinement,] software, securities, data, etc.), I’m an engaging public speaker, and I have many contacts in the southwest who are librarians, deans, university presidents, and a former governor of New Mexico.

A synopsis, chapter outline, sample chapters, and manuscript of 90,000 words are available for your review.

Thank you for considering my work.


Notes

It's a historical novel. We expect it to be historically accurate, but we don't expect you to be defending your assertions. We don't even expect you to have assertions. We read novels for the stories. We want to know the main plot.

It appears the main plot is a man leaves behind his companions and makes a thousand-mile trip to St. Louis in 1821, loads a wagon with dry goods, and makes another thousand-mile trip back, only to find the woman who seduced him once is married to his rival. Is that really it?

It would be more exciting if Kincaid were going to St. Louis for weapons so they could attack the slave traders. After surviving attacks by Indians and outlaws, he rides in triumphantly with rifles, and the cavalry, and they save the day. Instead, you have him riding in triumphantly with a wagonload of salt pork and gingham.

We don't mind learning a little history while reading a novel, but the history is not the story. The people are. Make us care about the characters. The book may be different, but the query sounds like you couldn't decide whether to write a novel or a textbook.

New Beginning 428

A few years ago, before I moved out of the coven house, I started seeing this one warlock, Chester. Well, Chester wasn’t his real name; that was, I don’t know, Charleston Copernicus Throckmorton or something like that, but he’d shortened it to Chester because he wanted to blend in with humans. I mean, I’ve never met a human named Chester, but whatever. That was about when we got the word from the Elders about hanging out with humans and getting jobs and all that, and Chester, like me, was young enough to be willing to give it a try.

Actually, I was more than willing. I was already well on my way to being out-of-my-mind bored with traditional witchkind life, with being trapped in the coven house tatting doilies and brewing dumb little spells in the kitchen for a few hundred years, waiting for my older sisters to decide to go to the Beyond so that I could move up the coven ranks and—whoopie!—become a senior witch, who got to move around the Circle closer to the head and tell the younger witches what to do. And then go the Beyond myself when I got to be four hundred. I mean, what’s the point of that? Are doilies the only reason we’re here on this plane, so powerful and long-lived? I didn’t think so.

Michael snuck a glance at his watch, nodding politely as he did so, neither of which the old woman noticed. He'd been stuck in this smelly house for more than an hour. He should have converted this pagan to a Jehovah's Witness twenty-five minutes ago.

I'll give her five more minutes, he thought sullenly as she continued on, barely pausing to take a breath. After that, I swear to God I'm going to become a Quaker.


Opening: Calendula.....Continuation: freddie

New Beginning 427

The moment we cut into the Suenna road, the sound of Nero's hoofbeats changed. My horse took shorter, choppier strides. Now the question was how many miles were left before we reached the city--and if the gates would be locked. I glanced around, but everything looked the same as it had since nightfall: dark shapes that were trees and the moon slowly rising. The road lay ahead of us as a darker patch that I barely glimpsed before it was past.

Patting Nero's neck, I steadied him as we raced along the harder surface. We had saved perhaps ten, fifteen miles by cutting across country. The thrill of leaping fences and walls in the dark had left me, however. Now I wanted to get to the city before its gates were barred. If only because those manning the last tollgate had laughed, and told me it couldn't be done.

Couldn't be done? I'd show those bastards. I let Nero feel my spurs and whip. Men simply did not understand. Nothing on God's earth can stand between a woman and a bathroom with a decent roll of toilet paper.

Opening: BuffySquirrel.....Continuation: Pacatrue

Face-Lift 472

Guess the Plot

The Great Granellie

1. In post-apocolyptic California, one man rises to power in the Hipee tribe when he unearths the "Nola Cookbo" and deciphers the ancient secrets of the demigod Gorp. It's Zardoz meets The Road Warrior when a rival tribe, the Silicoes, arrives and tries to enslave Granellie's people.

2. Part MacGyver, part Nancy Drew, New York City girl Jackie Smart uses her knowledge of science and her street smarts to solve the mystery surrounding the Great Granellie. The mystery, of course, is who--or what--is the Great Granellie?

3. Six clever urchins pick pockets in the subways of London, supervised by an evil gnome: the Great Granellie. Then a kindly missionary takes them in. But soon the kids discover she's making bombs in the cellar. No one believes them, except the Great Granellie. Can the tiny gnome free the kids in time to thwart her diabolical scheme?

4. Just as Screaming Mimi feared her top would fly apart and blow away, the minor Granellies were blasted from the sky by Thor Jones' manly ray gun. She was saved! Whew! But that night as the sexy duo celebrated their victory, the great Granellie landed on the roof, sword in hand. Plus a naughty maid and her dancing poodles.

5. After three years of night school, aging accountant Dora Granellie got her Basic certificate and started moonlighting as a birthday magician. All went well until she disappeared Tobey Jones, son of billionaires. Now Dora and Wizard Myrrhill must search 17 time warps for the brat. They have plenty of Monster Poison Juice and Zombie-Kickers but if Queen Noarraon stole the tyke to be her page-turner, it's all over.

6. When midget wrestler Steve Granellie makes it big in Hollywood as one of Cleopatra's henchmen, the sky's the limit and he signs on for a show in Las Vegas, never realizing he'd soon be running for his life because of a misunderstanding about a coconut, pursued by two prissy guys and their undisciplined tiger.


Original Version

[I've purchased the writers' guide books and followed all the rules and still, even with a Disney producer waiting for my next move, _______ told me she wasn't interested. Please help me understand why.]


Dear Agent,

Per your request, enclosed please find the first three chapters of The Misadventures of Jackie Smart and the Great Granellie, a middle-grade mystery novel complete at 77,000 words.

As you may recall, this is the story of Jackie Smarthers, a teenage girl who does extraordinary things with ordinary objects (quickly gaining her the nickname of “Jackie Smart”). Part MacGyver, part Nancy Drew, New York City girl Jackie uses her street smarts and knowledge of science to solve the mysteries that await her in rural Riverdale, CT. [Riverdale? Is this the Archie and Jughead Riverdale? Here's the first mystery Jackie can solve: why Archie couldn't ever decide between Betty and Veronica. I mean, it's totally obvious which one any sane man would be happier with. Then she can look into how Moose ever made it past fourth grade. Also, Jughead's nose looks a lot like Miss Grundy's. Coincidence?]

I enjoyed meeting you at the BEA conference and appreciate your time. I was recently introduced to NAME HERE who produced a mini-series SHOW NAME HERE for the Disney Channel. He was intrigued by the character of Jackie Smart and asked to see the manuscript. He has since asked me to have the book re-written as a movie script. [Have it rewritten? Why doesn't he have it rewritten? Surely he has better connections with screenwriters than you have.] I’m hesitant to move forward without an agent’s representation and would love the opportunity to work with you on this project.

The Great Granellie is the first of a four-book series. I’ve included a chapter summary for the first book and a series overview for your convenience. I hope you enjoy this sample and I look forward to hearing from you regarding the rest.

Please don’t hesitate to contact me with questions. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

First off, I don't understand calling it "Misadventures," rather than "Adventures." "Misadventures makes me think Jackie's a bumbling heroine, like Inspector Clouseau or The Three Stooges. I wouldn't refer to stories of MacGyver or Nancy Drew as misadventures.

Also, is each book in the series going to be titled The Misadventures of Jackie Smart and the X? Plain old Jackie Smart and the X sounds better. Don't worry, you won't be accused of stealing the title format from Harry Potter; Harry stole it from Tom Swift.

As you're enclosing the first three chapters, a chapter summary, and a series overview, and telling us nothing about them, we can't tell if there's something about your plot/characters that's turning an agent off. So what you want to know is why the one agent to whom you wrote isn't interested. Possibility: The agent you met at BEA sells books to publishers and doesn't deal with scripts. And she doesn't think your book is ready for publication, or she doesn't think she's the right person to sell it.

There are agents who specialize in scripts and agents who want nothing to do with them. The agent asked to see your chapters without knowing anything about the Disney producer. It seems better to let the agent get enthusiastic about your book before trying to interest her in setting up a film deal for you. If it's just the film deal you're interested in, it sounds like that's not going anywhere until you have a screenplay. If you're seeking an agent to contact this producer you met and tell him you'll be happy to turn your unpublished manuscript into a screenplay after he shows you the money, that's not how it works (unless you've had success in the field already, anyway).

Presumably you originally approached the agent because you want an agent to sell the first book of your series to a publisher. Yet this query could apply to any book in the series. There's nothing here about this book. Who's the Great Granellie? What mystery awaits Jackie Smart in her first misadventure? That's what the agent wants in your one-page query letter. (It's also what Evil Editor needs in order to compose a fake-sounding real plot.) If it intrigues her, she'll read your chapters.

There are hundreds of agents, and they all have many clients. That you met this one gives you a bit of an opening, but she met dozens or hundreds of people at BEA. She can't take on everyone. Try someone else. And send us your first 150 - 200 words so we can tell you if they're working for you.

New Beginning 426

I moved in during the winter, a bad time for moving, especially when one has bought a place out in the country, where the roads are not paved and traveling is already arduous. My friends grumbled and bitched about having to help me move in the cold, but there was really not all that much to move, and they cheered up once I served them hot coffee and pizza. They left me alone that evening, all of them ready to go back to their families or friends, their own lives. There were promises to call, on both sides. But I think they knew I didn’t really mean it. I don’t think they did, either.

My mother did not agree with my move. She especially did not agree with my having moved in winter. She said it was bad luck. She wondered aloud about the statistical possibility of my being killed by an axeman or some other form of serial killer.

And so I conducted an empirical study of serial killer habits and winter. Combing through news articles and police records for the last 30 years, I was able to gather 1827 murders attributed to serial killers, including axemen, knifemen, wiremen, and quarrymen, that also could be matched to a record of the local temperature at the time of murder. A 2X3 MANOVA found no statistically significant correlations between temperatures and axemen. However, a two-tailed t-test did border on significance (p<.06), but in the wrong direction! Indeed axemen were more likely to attack in warm weather.

Unfortunately, and this is where my tale begins, I forgot to look at attacks of the Yeti.


Opening: Freddie.....Continuation: Pacatrue

Face-Lift 471

Guess the Plot

The Gold Miner's Daughter

1. The coal miner's daughter was on the cheerleading team, baked to-die-for biscuits, and had a flawless complexion. But none of that mattered to the boys when the new girl moved to town . . . the Gold Miner's Daughter.

2. She was a foundling and so ugly even Sister Veronica was sure she'd never speak. They gave her to the baker's wife: perhaps sweeping the shop would be a good career. The gold miner was her own invention, when she agreed to marry Frank, who seemed fond enough. Two weeks later she started finding shillings in her shoes. A month after that, she caught the frog: her little green father. Hilarity ensued.

3. She was only fourteen, but when her father died, she had two choices: living with her crippled mother in Baltimore, or panning for gold to find her fortune alone in the untamed California gold fields. Hey, can anyone blame her for choosing California? I mean, the woman was crippled.

4. Village hairdresser and former wonton harlot, Janice Hopkins, led her daughter to believe she was fathered by a traveling gold miner. But every year the girl's monumental nose looks more and more like the one gracing the face of Duke Wallace. So maybe it wasn't Tom the blacksmith or Edward the butcher, after all. Plus three pigs and a witch.

5. There was only one thing Lala McGee wanted more than a parrot, and that was a talking mole. Which is what drove her desperate father, Bud Jackson, to dig that night. He didn't expect to find Mayan gold in an empty lot between two mini-malls in the middle of Fort Lauderdale. But he did. And trouble followed.

6. Minnie Murphy's big fat inheritance is a gold pan and a burro, so she rides to Nashville and starts a Birthday Burro Ride gig on eBay to pay for guitar lessons and food until the day she saves a leprechaun from a gang of millionaire's brats, and he puts a charm on her gold pan. Plus a handsome cowboy named Dwight and his loyal dog, Stinky.


Original Version

Dear Mr. Editor:

Like other gold rushers, fourteen year old Andie Hunt thought she and her father would get rich once they reached the foothills of northern California in August of 1850. [Turned out the real gold rushers got there in 1849 and cleaned the place out. Andy and her dad were, however, among the first of the famed 1850 gold laggards.] After just a month at the Broken Wheel camp, however, her father dies of a sudden fever the “doctor” [He's no doctor. I can tell by the quotation marks.] is unable to cure, and Andie faces a difficult choice: Return to Baltimore for a dead-end life with her crippled mother, [Forget that.] or brave the gold fields alone to find her fortune and make a life in California. Choosing to stay, she soon finds both gold and danger.

Other Broken Wheel miners begin to fall ill with the same fever, and Andie fills in where the incompetent doctor [aka the "doctor."] proves ineffective. When she discovers her father’s illness and death were not accidental, however, she becomes a target and is forced to flee, narrowly eluding a would-be killer. Unable to survive on her own, however, [That's two "howevers" in two sentences. They cancel each other out.] she must return to Broken Wheel to retrieve her father’s belongings. While there, she reconnects with two boys she befriended on her journey from Baltimore, John and Daniel, and they help her settle into an abandoned cabin in a neighboring valley.

Just as Andie’s confidence in her new life is growing, John falls ill with the mysterious fever, and Andie is his only hope. Risking her life to sneak back into Broken Wheel to save John, Andie finds the doctor [No longer incompetent or in quotes, he is revealed as the diabolical supervillain known as . . . The Doctor.] lying in wait for her, and she is captured. Before she can save John, she must rescue herself and confront her father’s killer face to face, relying on help from Daniel as well as from a former enemy. [Enemy? She's fourteen. How old was she when her former enemy was her enemy?]

Gold Miner’s Daughter is a young adult novel complete in 56,000 words. Although it stands on its own, it is the first in a planned three-part series of Andie’s struggles to survive, thrive, and ultimately bring her mother to join her in California.

[Andie: Mom. It took me three years to get here, but I've come to take you to California. Dad's dead, by the way.

Mom: But I can't walk.

Andie: We're not walking, silly. I've got a covered wagon parked outside. All we need to do is survive winter in the Rockies, raids by native Americans, and thousands of miles of lawless, desolate territory, and we'll be at the Broken Wheel mine, where I'm sure all my gold and other stuff will still be waiting for us.]

I would be happy to send you the complete manuscript at your request. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to your reply.

Sincerely,


Notes

Clearly written which I'm thinking is a major factor for a YA query.

I assumed when Andie discovered her father's death wasn't an accident, either it wasn't a fever or the "doctor" caused the fever. But later (when John comes down with it) you still call the fever "mysterious." If the fever is still a mystery, what information did she discover that shows her father was murdered?

The doctor may be incompetent, but why is Andie John's only hope? What does she know about curing a deadly fever?

New Beginning 425

Hannah waited. She waited until after she’d stepped onto the plane, trying not to stare at the kimono-clad flight-attendant who welcomed her with a bow. She passed through the smell of coffee brewing and the wide aisle of first class to seat #48A, stopping once while a Japanese businessman stuffed the overhead compartment with his raincoat and sealed it inside with a loud claaack. Hannah waited until after she’d tucked her roller bag under the seat in front of her and her handbag under the armrest, pulled out her Ipod, unwrapped her pillow and blanket, and sat down. Seat belt fastened, she closed the shade against the setting sun, fit the pillow in the crack by the window, and unfolded the blanket to reveal a simple but elegant pattern of red and white fans. As she stared at the design in her lap, her eyes filled, morphing the fans into a pink blur. Unable to wait any longer, Hannah leaned back, shrouded her face with the blanket, and cried.

The climactic release cleansed her soul, though the tortuous self-imposed delay had nearly destroyed her. But even now, in this relative state of bliss, Hannah was not comfortable. There was more to be done. She removed the blanket from her lap and refolded it. She pulled the pillow out of the crack by the window and set it out of the way, yet still within reach. Her Ipod she returned to her bag so the Japanese businessman wouldn’t nick it, and the bag she repositioned under the seat in front of her. She unbuckled her seat belt; but now she would have to maneuver past the three-hundred pound Samoan who had taken the aisle seat, and that would likely involve speaking, something along the lines of, “Excuse me, please.” And then he would have to unbuckle his seat belt and stand up. And then there would be more walking. And waiting. The thought of it all filled her heart with unbearable dread. Overwhelmed, she rebuckled her seatbelt and peed in her pants.


Opening: Anonymous.....Continuation: blogless_troll

Pool Results

There seems to be more interest in having Robin back to her usual potty-mouth self than in extending the pool. In any case, regarding Fight Scene 15 (scroll down), I contend that anyone else would have written, I saw myself sitting there, a slender, tender blonde girl in front of a frosty Collins, sipping sporadically but mostly nibbling on the orange slice, chewing on the cherry. The cherry. Not: I saw myself sitting there, a slender, tender blonde girl nibbling . . . on my cherry. Furthermore, according to the International Bartenders Association, a cherry isn't even part of the recipe for a Collins. Are you telling me a bartender in Houma, LA, in a place classy enough to have pool tables and foosball, would deviate from official IBA ingredients? No, that cherry wasn't put in by the bartender; it was put in by the author.

Moving on, note that the author didn't write Everyone else was drinking a beer, but rather, Everyone else was holding on to their brown longnecks. A subtle but noticeable difference.

Finally, it wasn't enough to say, I saw the switchblade, or He had his cue. The author had to add "in his hand" to each phrase (as if one would hold a pool cue or switchblade anywhere but his hand), making sure we didn't miss her fascination with whacking the weenie. In fact, while I don't have time to check the Urban Dictionary, I feel certain that along with "polishing the bishop" and "flogging the dolphin," you'll find among the idioms for masturbation, "stroking the switchblade," "glossing the longneck," and "chafing the cuestick."

The winner has 48 hours to acknowledge victory; otherwise the first runner-up will assume the winner's duties.

The guesses:

ME: Tuesday, 8 AM Dec. 7th
Sarah: Feb 22, noon
Dave F.: February 17th at 10:00 am
Chumplet: February 14th, 2008 at 9:00 pm Eastern time.
Anonymous: February 14th at twelve noon.
McKoala: 8pm February 12
Phoenix: Feb 7, 11:14 AM
blogless_troll: Jan 15th 10AM
Church Lady: Jan 12 at 8am
150: January 10th, high noon.

Face-Lift 470

Guess the Plot

Bloodlion

1. A political candidate wins election on the slogan, "I'm a unificaterer, not a divider-upper." But only after the vote does the populace find out that unification means homogenization by brutal genetic cleansing.

2. Osha is one of the "people of the lion." She's also a soulless killer who deserves to die. So why will no one kill her? Do they actually like her blood-colored skin? What's a girl gotta do to get treated like the criminal she is?

3. With the passage of a previously unknown comet, mutation gives rise to the dawning of a new age in evolution as Thapanre the Bloodlion, part lion, part vampire, unleashes his tormented genes upon the world.

4. When Friday night's ballots are counted, will suave bartender Dean Kozlov win the coveted Smirnoff Cup with secret formula #8Y4, aka the "bloodlion"? Or will his kneecaps get broken Thursday by his chief competitor, Vigo the Terrible?

5. King Leo's lineage is called into question when a mysterious prophet arrives from the Outer Lands, dressed in a lion skin dyed deep red with the blood of poisonous snakes. Can the monarch find the lost magic that will bring out the werelion in his ancestry in time to save his throne . . . and the kingdom with it?

6. When nutritionist Jane Hardy moves to Littleville with her eight children, she thinks it's a friendly place. Too bad the town is haunted by Bloodlion, a monster that feeds on lost dogs and children who stray into the woods. Days later Timmy is missing, the truth is out, and vengeful Jane decides to poison the beast with cheeseburgers, despite the protests of vegan farmer Brad Dungaree.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Thanks for your blog, I enjoy it immensely. I'm not actually seeking representation for my 100,000-word fantasy novel, Bloodlion, [Interesting. Is this reverse psychology?

You: I don't want representation, my book stinks, and I have no interest in hearing back from you.

Agent: I won't take no for an answer. Your contract is in the mail.]

(and since this is supposed to be for entertainment anyway, the only reason to say that is to pretend it's a real query opening), but I thought I'd try to ease the holiday lull. [I certainly hope the rest of the query makes more sense than whatever that was.]

When a merchant catches her and sells her to the authorities, [Catches her doing what?] Osha thinks she might finally get the justice she deserves. But the mage-aristocrats who bought her don't seem inclined to execute her. And she knows they should, either for her mother's Lnethki blood, which makes her a predator, or for her wild magic, which has killed any number of people.

[Merchant: I've captured Osha, the notorious serial killer.

Authorities: Great, we'll take it from here.

Merchant: Not so fast. I'll sell her to you for 5000 Jikyls.]

Instead, they claim they want to help her, supposedly on account of the wild magic. Ramye, her assigned teacher, insists on treating her like a human being despite her uncivilized and sometimes violent behavior. At least one person sees her as the soulless killer she is. Taiph, a young man with a grudge against the Lnethki people, makes every effort to get her kicked out, [Of what?] but never quite has the daring to do anything to her himself. Good thing no one realizes she's only half-Lnethki, or they'd really never punish her. [So she wants to be punished/executed? Has she considered self-flagellation or suicide?]

Killing someone might be the only way to prove what she is to the rest of them, but she has quite enough victims haunting her already, thanks very much. Instead, she tries to provoke Taiph into killing her, but that backfires when he recognizes her humanity and forgives her. [Is he forgiving her for trying to provoke him ("Come on, chicken. Kill me. You don't have the guts to kill me. Taiph. What a stupid name.") or for all the soulless killing she's done?]

Just when she's learning to control the wild magic [You keep using that term. What is wild magic?] and considers the idea that she might actually be human, a full-blooded Lnethki woman shows up. No matter what Ramye and Taiph think of her, Osha can't forget all the brutal reasons she believes her people, including herself, are bloodthirsty predators. And predators are the one thing Osha's never had compunctions against killing.

Thanks for your reading,


[Note: Bloodlion would refer to the Lnethki people's saying that they are the people of the lion, their reddish brown skin (which sometimes looks like dried blood), and Osha's obsession with blood.]


Notes

These mage-aristocrats seem pretty wussy for "authorities":

Merchant Fox: Aha, I've captured you, Osha Rabbit!

Osha Rabbit: Okay, you got me, but please, please, please don't turn me over to . . . the authorities.


So she's a soulless killer, and she wants to be executed. Tell us why we should pull for her. Did everyone she killed deserve it?

Forgiving soulless killers on the grounds that they have some humanity in them seems like a dangerous practice.

Instead of Taiph and Ramye, the other characters should be named Fema and Hud.

The pool

I've been asked to oversee the Robin pool. Obviously I can't post everyone's guess or she'll see them. So send your guess as to what month, day and time Robin will next post something of a sexual nature.

In the event of controversy over whether a comment or post is actually of a sexual nature, the person claiming it is will be allowed to present his or her case, after which other minions may make counterclaims. An impartial jury of minions not in the pool will resolve the dispute.

A comment or post not intended to be sexual in nature, i.e. a Freudian slip, still counts.

Keep in mind, however, that it is possible to use the word "penis" in a nonsexual manner. For instance, The zombie's penis fell off.

Send your guess as a comment to this post. I'll withhold posting them until we have a winner, then post all of them. The time of Robin's sexual post/comment will be the time stamped on it when it posts.

In case of tie: If the crucial time proves to be noon tomorrow, and one person had 11 AM and another had 1 PM, the winner will be the person who had the earlier time.

If your date/time is identical to another minion's the minioon who submitted earliest gets that time and the other must change.

The winner will be declared on this blog, and not through email. If the winner has not acknowledged victory within 48 hours, it will be assumed they are not a loyal minion, and the second-closest guess wins. Etc.

The prize will be declared by Robin.

New Beginning 424

Ashley's stilettos chattered on the tiles and she flapped her hands against the air for balance as she ran. She skidded into the boutique's front counter, splayed her fingers against it, and her over-size blue eyes widened to the point of grotesquery. "Lizabel, I may have got the part."

Lizabel didn't move a hair except to breathe the word, "Hush." She continued to lean on the counter like an elegant mannequin in autumn colors: chocolate skin, auburn hair, amber eyes. Those eyes had slid sideways, toward the doors to the Minor Surgery Spa, and a single vertical line marred the synth-skin between Lizabel's brows. A babble of high-pitched rage leaked from behind the lacquered doors.

"Lizabel!" Ashley gritted her teeth and writhed in frustration. Her bullet-shaped breasts and tiny waist made her look like the idealization of a pole dancer. "This could be the most important day of my life! Didn't you hear?"

"And can you not hear?" Lizabel pursed lips that were already swollen to mimic a pucker. "Mrs. Shienne is having a phone-fit at her lawyer in there."

Ashley straightened and frowned at the spa. "What about? I need time off this afternoon for my second audition."

Lizabel smiled. "She's disinheriting her son."

"Do you think she'll be in a good mood or bad when she's finished?"



Ronnie, the new VP of the children's division at WarnerFoxBC, turned off the video screen and faced the program's executive producer and pitchman.

"It's brilliant," she stated simply. "It's just what I was looking for, for our 7-10 year-old-girl demographic. The merchandising potential is through the roof here."

Only one thing was left. Ronnie knew she needed to get on the line to her broker and increase her stake in pharmaceuticals for plastic surgery for teens. God, this show was going to screw up a bunch of girls' body images. And that was a clear investment opportunity.

Oh, and antidepressants. Pre-teen Prozac. Maybe she could get Ashley's face imprinted on each pill?


Opening: Whitemouse.....Continuation: Pacatrue

New Beginning 423

A dozen teens pointed to Austin as he jogged across the filed with his new prosthetic leg. Flesh-colored silicone muscles and cable-like tendons stretched over the hydraulic motors. Its movements mimicked his real leg.

"Hey Coach, your new foot kick a soccer ball?" Danny, a sixteen-year-old towhead with too-long legs and too-thin arms, flipped the ball up over his head with a fluid motion of his foot. Austin kicked the ball bending it around Danny and into the practice goal.

"Like that?" Austin put the artificial toe under another ball and flipped it up to his forehead, bouncing it at Danny.

"That leg don't limp like the old ones," Danny yelled again, his tenor voice carried over the field.

"New computers and motors. They beep and whirl, keep me awake at night."

"My girlfriend Cindy keeps me awake at night." Laughing, his teammates kicked the soccer balls spreading out across the practice field leaving Danny and Austin alone.

"Now, lad," Austin said, giving Danny a pointed look. "You know the rules about that sort of thing before a game."

"Sorry coach." Danny grinned from ear to ear. "Can't get anything past you, can I?"

"No, well, they sorted me head out same time as they did the leg. Thirty-two teraflops of nano-computer inside me noggin now. The full text of fifty encyclopaedia fully cross referenced in over a hundred gigabytes of random access memory."

Danny brought the ball to a halt and balanced his foot on top of it. "That's amazing coach."

"It is, Danny. But you know what, lad? Despite all this expensive technology, I . . . " His words faltered as a non-synthetic tear pricked the corner of his eye.

"What, coach?"

"Despite all of this, I . . . I still don't understand the bloody offside rule."


Opening: Dave F......Continuation: ril

Vacation's Over

Time to get back to work. I need your query letters, openings to your novels and short stories, continuations for the openings already waiting, and fake plots.

2007 Face-Lift Awards

Every nominee received at least one first-place vote, but two of them eventually pulled away from the crowd.


A Cold Dark Place.....17 votes

The Ivory Tower.....19 votes

Return to Empire.....19 votes

Second Time Around.....20 votes

Bear Tamer.....20 votes

The Postcard.....20 votes

Mathias Corvinus and the Dragon's Order.....27 votes

Eel River.....34 votes

Sunshine Kids Make Money.....42 votes

With Gloves Off.....47 votes

2007 New Beginning Awards

Voting was light, and close. All five received votes. The nominees were all deserving, so rather than extend the deadline, here's the order of finish:


5th Place. New Beginning 210

4th Place. New Beginning 215

3rd Place. New Beginning 205

2nd Place. New Beginning 221

1st Place . New Beginning 207

2007 Guess the Plot Awards

Choosing the best individual fake plots would take forever. Thus the awards are for the best sets. As the authors of the fakes are you guys, I have chosen the order of finish myself.


5. The Wanderer

1. It was his song; it was her song; it was their song. And hearing the cover band butchering "The Wanderer" on the night of their anniversary pushes Christine over the edge.

2. "The Wanderer" arrives,
From another time and place.
Lilly falls in love with him,
He takes her into space.
But then the ingrate ditches her!
The guy was just a bum.
All men are jerks no matter,
What planet they are from.
They're all wanderers. Yeah they're wanderers.

3. Denny is the type of guy who’ll never settle down.
His ex-lovers stalk him as he roams from town to town.
When they suddenly attack him with cleavers in the night,
Janie takes his left arm, and Mary takes his right.
He nearly escapes from all the fuming rest,
But they reach inside his shirt and pull his heart out of his chest.
He's through wandering . . .

4. Larry's new gig as a Dion impersonator is taking over his life. When he gets slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit, can he blame the lyrics of "The Wanderer" for hugging and squeezing girls who don't even know his name? They call him The Wanderer. Yeah, he's a wanderer.

5. Wilbur went out shopping, got an early start,
Biggest box store ever, Super-Duper-Mart.
When he finished shopping, he wandered all about,
Couldn't for the life of him, find the exit out.
Now he's a wanderer. He's still wandering. He roams around around around around . . .

6. Mary takes her husband,
On her business trip to Rome.
While Mary's at the conference,
Frank wanders 'round alone.
In the red light district,
Checking out the chicks,
He suddenly spots Mary
On the corner turning tricks.
She's the wanderer . . .

7. She knew it was the wrong time of day to go to the mall.
She drove around the lot, couldn't find any space at all.
Desperate for a ladies room, her tushie hurts like hell.
Stuck between two minivans, in section double "L,"
She's the wanderer . . .

8. Tokyo, Sao Paulo,
New York, and Mexico,
Mumbai, Delhi, Shanghai,
Paris, Dhaka, Seoul,
Rio de Janeiro,
Miami, Moscow too,
Jakarta and Karachi,
London, Timbuktu,
She's the wanderer,
Yeah the wanderer,
Will Miss Snark ever find George Clooney?

4. Limorek Ironwood and the Sacred Crown

1. When Lim saw Jesus's thorny crown,
On a museum shelf he took it down.
He mistook it for grass,
Tried to smoke it, alas,
He burned the whole place to the ground.

2. A young man named Limorek Ironwood
Tried to roar just as loud as a lion could.
But the king of beasts roars,
While Lim sounded more
Like a porpoise or dolphin that's dying would.

3. Limorek was always impressed
With his dentist, who he thought was the best.
But when the oral surgeon
Sacrificed a virgin
Before Lim's root canal, he reassessed.

4. At Toadflax Magic School, London town,
It takes two years to earn cap and gown.
While his classmates took tests,
Lim embarked on a quest:
The seduction of sexy Ms. Crown.

5. King Ben felt his crown was too dim.
So he called in a young squire named Lim.
Then Lim and his team
Found a crown that did gleam.
Sir Lancelot had nothing on him.

6. "Ironwood," said she, "you're a prat.
To bed me, you must wear this 'hat.'"
"But it keeps falling off!"
"Ah," the damsel did scoff,
"Viagra will take care of that!"


3. The Horses of Roan

1. As hordes of rowdies march toward Roan Castle, Minnie Murphy grabs her wedding dress, jumps on the nearest horse, and starts a thundering stampede. The villains run away! Minnie saved the day! Then she finds a priest and her cowering beau, Sir Falderall! It's City Slickers meets Camelot as the wedding goes on as planned!

2. When musician James Morgan inadvertently releases the Horses of Roan, a man/horse demon gives him two weeks to get them back. But how? Can Morgan's music charm these savage beasts out of the swamp? It's Amadeus meets The Horse Whisperer, as Morgan races to round up the herd.

3. Professor Jones leaves more than a tip behind for busboy Cole Wyatt. Stuck between chili smeared napkins, Cole finds a copy of a map and the Professor's notes, notes that describe the treasures of the "Horses of Roan." It's Raiders of the Lost Ark meets Diner as Cole seeks the road out of greasy spoon hell.

4. While the Knights of Roan get drunk on rum at the Roan Tavern, their enemies, the Knights of Naor, steal all the horses. Now what? Must King Roannaor cancel the jousting match? It's Monty Python and the Holy Grail meets Marie Antoinette, as Queen Naorroan says, "Let them joust on foot!"

5. Baz, lead stud of the Horses of Roan frat house, is organizing the annual ugliest-date orgy. When he mistakenly invites the Bitches of Eastwick sorority instead of the Coyotes of Camden, the mighty Horses end up toadying to the man-hating B's. It's Animal House meets The Wicker Man as Baz tries to de-frog the football team before those Bitches finally succeed in gelding the Horses of Roan for eternity.

6. Joey McDeever, son of a rodeo cowboy deadbeat dad, sees the Lippizaner stallions on TV and realizes his calling is to train horses for such grace and beauty. But all he's got is two worn-out, brownish nags. It's Seabiscuit meets Kramer vs Kramer as he trains the horses into champions, only to have his father return to fight for custody.


2. The Theft of the Daidanna Dankenka Maru
1. An animal trainer, a schoolteacher and an astronaut steal Earth's first starship in order to escape the Earth's pollution and recreate Earth's biosphere on another planet. Also, a suicidal whale.

2. Dundenna Kantawanna momo dinteka wantana. Maima ratwonu titi kenka ma kenku, danna mianta Maru. Also, a vampire.

3. Alex, a two-bit street thief, determines to join the ranks of the master thieves by stealing the Daidanna Dankenka Maru, the most often stolen artifact in the world. Now, he just has to figure out two things: where it is, and what it is.

4. By the time Tony "The Stutterer" Calabrese has finished explaining the intricate details of the heist to his street crew, the cops are on to his scheme and he's on the run. Next time, he'll just rob a bank and forget about the Daidanna Dankenka Maru.

5. Police Chief Jake Martin is having no problem tracking the stolen masterpiece, the Daidanna Dankenka Maru. It's filling out the police report that's so difficult.

6. When a new Virginia class attack sub is christened USS Daidanna Dankenka Maru, some of the higher ups in the Pentagon have a conniption fit. They assign Black Ops Specialist Trick Lambert to do the one thing more difficult than pronouncing it: steal it, and send it to Davy Jones’ locker.


1. Jumbie-mon
1. Lemme tell you mon, deh women be wakkin home let wun eev-nin, wen dat man's ghost joomped rite outta dem bushes en skaret em to death.

2. Wen mild-mannered Rhashan Turnbull smoken deh Jamaican weed, he behcomen deh superhero Joombie-mon, scoorge of deh Rastafarian crim'nools.

3. Agent Troy Davis dealen wit deh Ebola-like virus, deh nuclear war, 'n' a fanat'cal coolt as he rehcen deh clock to learnen the secret of . . . Joombie-mon!

4. Wen Bob becomen depresset wit his life as an inshoorance salesman, Marsha inspiren him teh flee his suboorban home 'n' try teh make it in Alaska, as a Reggae droomer wit dretlocks down to here 'n' deh awesome rhythm.

5. Pirates of deh Caribbean a la Rastafari grooviness, 1974 -- featuren deh ruthless cold war Roossian spies, two oondercover George Booshes, a yoong Dick Cheney disguisen as one-a Mick Jagger's groupies, Richard Nixon and a band callen deh "Jamaican Beatles."

6. Pikachu, Charizard, and all deh other Pokemon's bein' driven out of deh hearts of deh elementry schoolers by deh Joombie-mon, who look'n like bad-assed, fire-breathen Tele-toobies, only worsen. Wit millioons in advertisen at steck, deh battle's on.



For those interested, the real plots, in order from #5, were:

5, 3, 2, 1, 3

Guess the Real Titles

The list below includes 14 books (listed on BN.com) dealing humorously with the subjects of business, money and computers. It also includes 14 titles made up by your fellow minions. Which are the actual book titles?


50 Jobs Worse than Yours

101 Ways to Get Your Boss Fired

100 Bullshit Jobs...And How to Get Them

Office Dirty Tricks: 50 Ways to Sabotage Your Coworkers and Bluff Your Way to the Top

50 Satisfying Ways to Destroy Your Computer

Eat the Rich: A Treatise on Economics

What Would Machiavelli Do?: The Ends Justify the Meanness

Loving Microsoft Windows: Better Living through Chemistry

Extreme Office Crafts: Creative & Devious Ways to Waste Office Supplies & Company Time

Outsourcing Sleeping Your Way to the Top

Double the Fun with Double Entry Accounting

How to Succeed at Globalization: A Primer for the Roadside Vendor

The Glass Ceiling: Keeping it Sparkling Clean

Your Retirement Plan: Tuning it up or Polishing a Turd?

Now You've Got It, How to Keep It

Cube Chic: Take Your Office Space from Drab to Fab!

Pimp My Cubicle: Take Your Workspace from Boring to Bling!

Make A++ with C++

Cubicle Survival Guide: Keeping Your Cool in the Least Hospitable Environment on Earth

Who Moved My Soap?: The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison

Every Partner for Himself: Squeeze out your colleagues before they squeeze you out

It's Better Than Nerdsex: All Night Programming Fun!

Death by PowerPoint

Bullwinkle on Business: Motivational Secrets of a Chief Executive Moose

Test your knowledge quotient

Office Haiku: Poems Inspired by the Daily Grind

What to do When You Can't Get Enough (money)

Rich Writer, Poor Writer, Even Poorer Writer, Positively Indigent Writer




Answers Below


Fakes supplied by--McKoala, Bill H., Deborah K. White, writtenwyrdd, EE


The actual book titles are:

50 Jobs Worse than Yours
100 Bullshit Jobs...And How to Get Them
Office Dirty Tricks: 50 Ways to Sabotage Your Coworkers and Bluff Your Way to the Top
Eat the Rich: A Treatise on Economics
Extreme Office Crafts: Creative & Devious Ways to Waste Office Supplies & Company Time
Who Moved My Soap?: The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison
Death by PowerPoint
What Would Machiavelli Do?: The Ends Justify the Meanness
Cube Chic: Take Your Office Space from Drab to Fab!
Pimp My Cubicle: Take Your Workspace from Boring to Bling!
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Satan and the Antichrist

Ten fake plots starring the evil ones. Plus two actual plots from minions' novels. Which are the real ones?


1. Terminal cancer patient Steve Marsden makes a deal with the devil: his eternal soul in exchange for 7665 extra days of life, just long enough to see his infant daughter grow up and get married. But Satan mischievously grants Steve 7665 dog days, which pass at seven times the speed of human days. Can Steve get his daughter married off by the age of three?

2. Bob is a pimply, poor-mouthed nerd, but when Satan comes calling, Bob sells his soul in order to become his opposite in every way. When his silver-tongued opposite brings the world to the brink of destruction, can Bob overcome laws of physics to save humanity . . . and the only girl who liked him as a nerd?

3. Satan couldn't believe it when his performance review came in. No longer would the board of directors allow him to reign in hell. Now he must serve in Heaven. And God is a lousy tipper.

4. When movie director Marcus Bray is told that angelic Annika Angstrom, the child star of his latest film, is the Antichrist, he assumes that means she's a typical Hollywood spoiled brat--until a series of grisly “accidents” start killing off the cast and crew. Is a hit movie worth letting Annika achieve dominion over the world?

5. Hell just wasn't any fun. Sure it sounded good when Satan used that famous recruiting line: It's better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven. The trouble was, Satan was the only one who did any ruling. Everyone else suffered eternal torment. Can Elgin find that elusive chink in the brimstone that will allow him to escape? Also, a clock that runs backwards.

6. Jury duty in heaven is hell. After 1,562,354 years, Molly learns she still can't talk about Satan's trial after his fall from heaven . . . which means she will never, ever get to be on Oprah. This leads her to the biggest existential crisis she has ever faced. Luckily for her, she has plenty of time to think about it.

7. In the cutthroat world of fashion design, Ellen DeLong has always been second rate. That is, until she makes a deal with Satan and gains the magical Shears of Endor.

8. Nine-year-old Ashley-Blanche Carmichael leaves Catholic school to follow her dream of stardom, only to land in the middle of the most bizarre child beauty pageant ever. Can the nuns of St. Wendelyn's keep her from winning the title of . . . The Prettiest Little Antichrist?

9. He was the most amazing man she ever knew: smart, strong, and sexy. But if Maribel bears the child of Satan, will he love her faithfully forever, or will he leave her only . . . A Legacy of Ashes?

10. The first time didn't go so well. The second, well, that whole Hiroshima thing put paid to it. But Satan is back and ready for more, and this time he's got a plan he's sure will succeed.

11. Six years ago Marlene was seduced by Satan himself. Now she's readying their daughter Firenza to compete in beauty pageants. But she needs the father's permission. Will she discover that there are some things too horrifying for even Satan?

12. A cloning experiment in Area 51 creates a hybrid of a human and an alien, a hybrid that proves to be . . . the Antichrist!



Answers below





Actual plots:
4 and 12

Face-Lift 469

Guess the Plot

Unholy Ghosts

1. Each year, God selects the most worthy spirit in Heaven to serve as the Holy Ghost. This year, He's making his selection through an American Idol style contest, with the losers spending the year in Hell. For Justin, it's damned if he does, and damned if he doesn't.

2. They were ratty, they were torn, they were holey ghosts. But now, thanks to a little help from the Spirit of Christmas Past, they're getting it all together. Demons better watch out - its the all new . . . Unholy Ghosts.

3. The Baptists had it all wrong - way wrong. Now they're sitting in a very Catholic purgatory, all 200 million of 'em, contemplating just how wrong they were. Soon, it's gonna be time for revenge. If you've ever taught Sunday School, pack your bags and get out of town - before the Unholy Ghosts come calling.

4. Lex Hopper's mom refuses to ruin a perfectly good sheet by cutting eyeholes in it so he can be a ghost at Hallowe'en. Later that night, a still-incensed Lex meets the Devil enjoying a hot tub in Mrs. Minchpick's back yard. There's more than one way to make a ghost and Lex's mom is about to discover there's more to life than good sheets.

5. After a long series of flubs and mistakes, paranormal investigator Rory Mitchell isn't really sure of anything anymore. She knows one thing, though: ghosts can't really hurt anyone. But soon she finds out she's wrong. Again.

6. A drug addict is hired by her dealer to banish spirits from an airport so he can use the place for smuggling. It sounds like a piece-of-cake job, but there's a downside: these are no ordinary spirits; they're . . . Unholy Ghosts!


Original Version

Dear Agent,

[Insert line or two about how I found agent or whatever.] [Agent or whatever? Listen, if you can't get an agent immediately, keep trying. Don't settle for a mannequin or a weredingo.] I would love for you to consider representing UNHOLY GHOSTS, my approximately 83,000 thousand word [83,000 thousand equals 83 million. 83 million equals instant reject. Unless it's an encyclopedia.] [Word count should be approximated by rounding down to the nearest ten million, and subtracting 1 so it doesn't seem quite so long. In this case it would be 79,999,999.] dark urban fantasy set primarily in a punk-rock ghetto known as Downside.

[When you're depressed and shit is making you bitter
You can always go - Downside
When you're hopped up on drugs and feel suicidal
You can off yourself - Downside
Just listen to the racket of the axemen and the drummers
Linger with the emos as they claim their lives are bummers
How can you breathe?

The waste and puke fill the air
You can deny all your responsibilities there
So go Downside, tell yourself life is great
Downside - great place to take a date
Downside - everything sucks when you're there.]

Sometimes addictions are more trouble than they're worth… [If you're going to start your sales pitch with this line, I think I'd start the whole query with it. It feels weird following the previous paragraph.] [Though my advice is to start the query with the song parody.]

In a world where having a ghost in your house could earn you an enormous cash settlement from the Church of Truth—government, state religion, and the only line of defense between humanity and the spirits determined to destroy them—faking a haunting is seen by some as a better shot to [at] riches than the lottery. [Standing in the desert hoping a bag containing 10,000 thousand dollars falls out of the sky is a better shot at riches than the lottery.] [I would delete everything between the dashes. It's a lengthy and somewhat confusing interruption of the set-up.] That's why the Church has Debunkers. Their job is to disprove the hauntings, or banish the ghosts back to the City of Eternity if the haunting is proved real.

Cesaria "Chess" Putnam is a Debunker. She's also an orphan, a former abused foster child, and a loner for whom drugs are all that make life worth the bother.

When her drug dealer offers her a way to work off her debt to him, by debunking or banishing the haunting at an abandoned airport so he can use it for smuggling, she agrees. [Banishing I can see, but debunking? Why would anyone fake a haunting at an abandoned airport? Who stands to get rich?] Wiping fifteen grand—it should have been only four, but he's decided to charge interest—off the books suits her just fine, and the job should be as easy as swallowing a pill.

Too bad nothing is ever easy, especially in Downside. [But nothing is ever easy in Downside.] A rival drug gang discovers what Chess is doing and offers a counter-deal she can't refuse: if she doesn't banish the ghosts, they'll supply her for free. [That's it? Unless they pay off her debt as well, she can easily refuse.] She'd be glad to turn her back on the whole thing and curl up on her couch getting high, but what's going on at the airport is far more sinister than a mere haunting. When a decaying corpse is found with a soul trapped inside and the black magicians responsible decide to pay a middle-of-the-night visit to Chess' apartment for a little weapons practice, Chess realizes she can't just walk away. Solving this one is going to take every bit of bravery, intelligence, and skill she possesses…and an awful lot of amphetamines too. [What does she need to solve? You said the black magicians were responsible.]

Unholy Ghosts is a stand-alone novel, but is planned as the first in a series.

I have [small press credits]. I'd be happy to send the complete manuscript of Unholy Ghosts for your review. Thanks for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.


Notes

Your Church of Truth won't be the only one. There's an International Church of Truth and a Cosmic Church of Truth and a Marvel Universe Church of Truth. But don't worry, I'm guessing more people read this blog than are members of any of them.

What's the point of faking a haunting if the Church sends in Debunkers? Is Debunking an inexact science?

What's the point of banishing ghosts "back" to the City of Eternity? They left it once; why won't they leave again?

Is haunting an abandoned airport more fun than being in the City of Eternity? Just wondering about the spirits' motivation.

You'll have to get Chess off the drugs soon. It'll interfere with her debunking, and her employer won't stand for it.

Guess the Plot Prep

We're in a holiday lull, with no new queries coming in, no one submitting continuations, etc. Those who enjoy writing fake plots have nothing to do. Sympathizing with them, I'm preparing a Guess the Plot quiz for books nominated in a few categories of the 2007 Edgar Awards, given for the best mysteries.

· The Pale Blue Eye
· The Dead Hour
· The Virgin of Small Plains
· Liberation Movements
· The Faithful Spy
· Sharp Objects
· The King of Lies
· Holmes on the Range
· A Field of Darkness
· The Open Curtain

Go to it. Do any or all. Remember, they're all mysteries. I'll remove titles from the list once they have enough good fakes.

2007 Best Face-Lift Nominations

Approximately 40 Face-Lifts were nominated by volunteers and myself. I have narrowed the field to ten. Your job is to choose the very best.

You have 15 points, which you may allocate in any way you wish, but you may not give more than five points to any nominee. You could allocate 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1 to your five favorites. You could decide it's a three-way tie for first place and give three of them 5 points. You're judging EE here, so don't consider the Guess the Plots, the quality of the query itself, the genre or appeal of the book being queried, the comments, or the identity of the author.

face-lift 257

face-lift-264

face-lift 270

face-lift 347

face-lift 357

face-lift 359

face-lift 363

face-lift 388

face-lift 406

face-lift 437