Face-Lift 1001

Guess the Plot

Purgatory

1. In this, the second volume of my epic trilogy about adolescence, I move on to high school. Don't miss my first book about junior high, "Inferno," and my third book about college, "Paradise."

2. When his brother Joey dies, Clayton gets his girlfriend pregnant. The plan is for Joey's soul to wait in purgatory for nine months and then move into the baby.

3. A zombie's memoirs of the time between then and now.

4. When alternative medicine enthusiast Anna Manion opens up Purgatory, her new colonics salon, her first customer is the shy but handsome Max Maxwell. Love blossoms in the unlikeliest of settings.

5. An attention-starved, cross-dressing zombie yearns to be human again, but to purge himself of his curse, he must convince the local pastor to let him enter purgatory. Will he agree to give up his tutu and heels?

6. The devil is struggles to get out of hell and into purgatory. He hopes to atone for his sins and make it back to heaven. But Jezebel has other plans...


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When an armed robbery takes the life of six-year-old Joey Stockton and critically injures his older brother, Clayton. [Um...] He struggles to find meaning in life while continuing to deal with the absence of his father, who he lost earlier to cancer. [Ah, I get it. I was complaining about too-long sentences recently, and you didn't want me complaining about your too-long sentence, so you stuck a period in the middle of your too-long sentence, thinking that made it into two just-right sentences. Might have worked if you'd changed "and" to "it."] He is a self-proclaimed agnostic but struggles to find closure of his little brother’s ill-timed murder. [You've gone adjective crazy.
1. Pretty much anyone's religious beliefs are "self-proclaimed."
2. Of course Joey's his "little" brother. Joey was 6, and Clayton's already been described as the older brother.
3. As for "ill-timed," is the murder of a six-year-old kid ever not ill-timed? I hope no one would console the parent of a recently murdered child by saying, Hey, at least it was good timing.]

Clayton, only eighteen years old, succumbs to the early stages of depression caused by the loss of his brother and father. He turns to drugs and alcohol for immediate ecstasy but constantly longs for the bond his family once had. It isn’t until after piecing together unexplainable mysteries correlating with Joey’s afterlife, [What does that mean?] that he figures out the love he yearns for, [no comma] can be recreated with his girlfriend Brittney. [There's something wrong with an eighteen-year-old boy who hasn't long ago figured out that his girlfriend can provide the "love" he yearns for.] With Joey’s reincarnated soul needing a host, and Clayton and Brittney’s baby [Whoa. They have a baby?] needing a soul –the reincarnation system God relies on can detect the chemistry between the brothers, but lacking emotional ties, it bypasses the conflict of interest that could wreak havoc on humanity. [The system sounds soulless. Lemme see if I've got this straight. God set up a detection system that determines who gets which soul, and one wrong step by the system would wreak havoc on humanity, but the system has a massive glitch?]

PURGATORY is about two worlds secretly coexisting as one, and how the death of a child and his brother’s determination could finally solve life’s most notorious question – what really happens after we die? I would love to send you my YA/urban fantasy manuscript, PURGATORY, which is complete at 84,000 words. PURGATORY is a standalone novel with recommended series potential.

Sincerely,


Notes

You make it sound like the soul transfer works out because the reincarnation system lacks emotional ties. A better idea would be for Clayton to somehow beat the system in order to get his brother's soul into his child. As far as I can tell, Clayton doesn't do anything. He needs to actively participate in getting what he wants.

Does the reincarnation system take into account the fact that a lot more people are born than die? When the population of the planet was 100,000, were there seven billion other souls hanging around waiting for the day when the population would be seven billion? If not, and souls are provided by deaths, there aren't enough to go around.

Those who believe in the soul probably like to think their souls are amalgams of their parents' souls, not a metaphorical junker chosen by a computer from a used car lot in Albania.

Does Brittney mind that she had no input into her kid's soul? How will Clayton know whether the baby has Joey's soul? Is Clayton going to one day tell his child that he/she has Joey's soul?

The first half of the query sounds like literary fiction. Then it seems to become inspirational. Urban fantasy wasn't on my list. Unless . . . Is Brittney a demon hunter?

Face-Lift 991

Guess the Plot

Hourglass

1. Tired of not knowing what time it is on shady days, Leonardo da Vinci trashes his sundial, vowing to come up with something better.

2. A boy finds a magical egg timer in his grandmother's cupboard that takes the user forward or backward in time. The problem: it works for only three minutes.

3. When diets and corsets don't quite do the job, Cassie looks into plastic surgery in her obsessive quest for the ideal body. Can her family convince her that the perfect measurements just aren't worth the cost?

4. Mika wears a necklace with an hourglass on it that shows how long she has to live. As the family curse drains her life away, will it occur to her that she can gain precious time by learning to walk on her hands?

5. Marilee Tate has started her own modeling agency, 'Hourglass,' with gorgeous, sexy, real women of all sizes. The toothpicks snicker at first, but when demand proves that the world is ready for the change, one of the toothpicks opts for a career change: assassin. And her first job is to take Marilee out.

6. The superhero known as Black Widow wears a costume with a red hourglass on the front. Okay, he's not really a superhero, he's an exterminator. But a guy can dream, can't he?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Magic and insanity are a dangerous combination. [As are power tools and insanity, machine guns and insanity, earth-moving equipment and insanity . . . Actually, pretty much anything is dangerous when combined with insanity.] As the sole heir to a cursed [and insane] family, this is something Mika Haitara knows far too well.

When Mika's mentor is the latest victim in a series of brutal attacks, Mika is charged with finding who or what is responsible. [Is Mika an officer of the law? If not, who charges her with this task?] [Also, who or what? Here's a tip: if he was killed with a gun, knife, rope, lead pipe, candlestick or wrench, it's who. If he's covered with claw and bite marks, it's what.] Not an easy task when there's a family enemy insisting he wants to help, her best friend seems to thinks it's his job to protect her, and her familiar, Akiran, would rather join the killing spree.

But Mika has bigger problems. Every spell she casts steals a little of her life energy, yet using magic is the only way to prevent her family's curse from destroying her sanity. [This is the plot of Catch 22, but in the Pacific Theater.]

Time is running out.

HOURGLASS is a [an] urban fantasy complete at 68,000 words and would appeal to fans of Robin D. Owens's 'Enchanted No More'. [Never heard of it, but a visit to the author's site reveals the plot to be: "Guilt-ridden by a mistake that cost her family their lives, half-Lightfolk, half-human Jenni Weavers turns her back on her magical heritage...until her remaining brother who hates her is trapped and she's the only one who can step into an alternate dimension to save him." This leads me to suggest that you say Hourglass would appeal to readers who would enjoy reading something less wacko than Enchanted No More.] It's my first novel and I would be delighted to send you the manuscript at your request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


* The title Hourglass comes from a miniature hourglass Mika wears on a necklace that shows how long she has to live. [If I'm gonna wear an hourglass that shows how long I have to live, there's not gonna be anything miniature about it. Except the hole in the middle. The hourglass itself is gonna be the size of a Buick.] [How long does it take the necklace hourglass to de-sand? How long has she had it? Where'd she get it?]


Notes

People have an innate hatred of hourglasses, thanks to the tiny hourglass that appears on the monitor when their computer freezes. Even those who switched to a Mac to escape the hourglass haven't forgotten. So you might want to change Mika's hourglass necklace to a countdown timer like you see on TV bombs that the hero is trying to disarm. I've always wondered why criminal masterminds include a visible countdown timer that allows the hero to know exactly how much time is left before it explodes. If I manufactured a bomb with a countdown timer, I'd rig it to explode at four seconds instead of zero, since the hero tends to disarm it somewhere in the one to three range.

It doesn't seem like hourglasses would ever have been useful for anything except timing something that lasts one hour. Unless you had a crew of workers who did eight hour shifts watching and flipping the hourglass and recording the time on a wall chart. I have a theory that the reason soccer (football) uses the ridiculous system of running the clock even during time outs for goals and penalties and fights, instead of stopping the clock when the action is stopped, is because originally the time was kept with a forty-five-minute hourglass, which was flipped at halftime. Hey, it's the 21st century, FIFA, not the 19th. We have clocks that can be stopped and started with the push of a button.

I think an interesting experiment would be for everyone to have to go a week with no clocks, just hourglasses. Maybe then we'd appreciate what life was like in the Middle Ages.

As for the query, it's mainly setup. You provide us with Mika's situation, and a list of some obstacles she must overcome, but how does she plan to find the killer? How much time is on that hourglass? Can the curse be broken, and if so, does Mika know how? Does stopping the killing spree somehow break the curse? It would be more exciting if we knew how much time she had, and what she had to do in that much time. In short, make us feel the tension as the grains of sand inexorably fall.

Face-Lift 966

Guess the Plot

Guarded

1. The new girl at Huntford High is hot, but why did she list her age as 342 on admissions papers? And, why does Brad shun bright light ever since he took her to the movies? Lisa, Brad’s ex, is dying to know why her answers to those questions seem so . . . guarded.

2. At midnight cat burglar George Florin is put in a car to be driven across Wyoming by a pair of deputies. But a huge elk crosses their path and the car swerves into a tree, killing both deputies. Jack regains consciousness in the arms of a beautiful woman: a shape-shifting sorceress who takes him to 5th-century Byzantium.

3. Carrie Bell is trying to make it as a private eye, but an underworld kingpin wants something from her. Luckily, she has the ability to create "Guards," metal plates that give her powerful magic. But can her Guards guard her from . . . a demon?

4. Blane tries to sweep Lucy off her feet, but she pushes him away after every swoon-inducing pass. Lucy has a secret. She's in Witness Protection after turning state's evidence against her last boyfriend, a serial killer. That's why she must remain . . . guarded.

5. The worst thing about your mom being the president is having a carload of Secret Service goons watch every move you make, so of course Tiffany is thrilled to meet a witch with invisibility potion. But she soon realizes there's not much point arranging a clandestine meeting with Todd behind the Lincoln Memorial if he can't actually see her.

6. Congressman Mike Schiller weighs every word he utters, lest an out-of-context quote demolish his career. He's especially careful explaining why his wife no longer campaigns at his side. If word leaks that he's had her locked in the basement since a werewolf bit her, he can kiss that committee chairmanship goodbye.



Original Version

Dear Mr Editor,

Like many people, 25-year-old Carrie Bell’s struggling to come to grips with the demons of her past. Except in her case, it's one demon in particular. Lathan. After escaping Lathan’s mind-warping bridal boot camp four years ago, [I would like to have a better idea of what you mean by "mind-warping bridal boot camp."] she returned to her world; a world she hardly recognizes. Now werewolves, fae and other kinfolk live covertly side-by-side with soccer moms and workaholic dads. [It sounds like you're using "kinfolk" to mean "supernatural creatures." If so, you might put it in quotation marks the first time you use it. Better yet, come up with something better, like "supernatural creatures."] [Was this change in the world evident as soon as she returned, four years ago, or did it manifest recently?] Ever the ardent believer in denial, Carrie plays along with their kin charade. Who’d believe her anyway? [What is their kin charade? Are they pretending to be kin of the soccer moms?]

Her job as a P.I. offers plenty of human drama to distract her, and is certainly a step up from her original plan of hiding in her closet. But her life once again becomes overshadowed by magic when she finds herself in possession of a butt-ugly statue. [She's been back four years and only now notices she has a statue? Was it here all along?] While the statue’s esthetical value may be debatable, its power is not. It has garnered the attention of an underworld heavyweight with seemingly limitless access to kin thugs. [Kinfolk, kin charade, kin thugs. I guess if you keep saying "kin," eventually we'll figure out what it means.] He calls himself GOD, [He capitalizes all three letters of his name? Not even God is that self-absorbed.] and his megalomania doesn’t end [with excessive capitalization.] there. He intends to use the statue to open a permanent portal to Alethia [Why? He's already king of the underworld with his unlimited access to kin thugs. Opening a portal that lets Lathan through will make him second banana. It's like The Joker deciding his criminal enterprises in Gotham City would go better if he invited Satan to be his partner.] – Lathan’s homeworld and the source of Carrie's nightmares. Now that reality’s hitting her over the head with a frying pan, she can no longer afford to close her eyes to the kin-filled world around her.

In the middle of her mouse-meet-world predicament, her libido skyrockets, upgrading every male in sight from “maybe” to “hell yeah.” [Before her libido skyrocketed, every male in sight was "maybe"? Sounds like her libido was in the stratosphere to begin with. Most women have huge categories called "Fat chance" and "Not if he was the last man on Earth."] Of course, when your father turns out to be a satyr and you’ve reached the age of sexual maturity, no man is safe. [25 is the age of sexual maturity?] Just when she gets her head back in the game and is about to untangle the identity of GOD, Lathan slithers back into her life, transforming her night terrors into reality. Luckily, bad dreams aren’t the only thing Carrie took away from Alethia. She also gained the skill of weaving Guards, metal plates that shape energy into powerful magic. And with her enemies closing in, she’ll most definitely need them. [Nice of her Alethian captor to look the other way while she developed a magical power that can defeat him.] [What are these plates? Do they look like dinner plates?]

GUARDED is an urban fantasy novel of 96,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.

Yours sincerely


Notes

Is Carrie the only person aware that the world is crawling with kinfolk?

After your definition of "kin" goes mainstream, people watching reruns of The Beverly Hillbilles will wonder why the werewolves and zombies never show up.

I think we can do without the sexual maturity/libido info in the query.

It feels like girl-next-door gets captured by demon, escapes, is trying to forget her past and live her life but can't because her enemies want something from her. Then at the very end you reveal that By the way, she's the daughter of a satyr and she can shape energy into powerful magic. I'm sure her power is revealed early in the book, but in the query it's a deus ex machina.

I'd open with something like: While she was the demon Lathan's captive, Carrie Bell learned to wield powerful magic. It's a talent that sometimes comes in handy in her current job as a private detective, but she'd like to put the past behind her and live a normal life. Not gonna happen.

An underworld kingpin who calls himself GOD wants to use Carrie to open a portal to Lathan's world.

You can take it from there. What is GOD up to, what happens if he succeeds, what does Lathan want, and what does Carrie plan to do about all this?

Face-Lift 928

Guess the Plot

The Sin Eaters

1. Environmentalists consider it a sin that endangered species are so rare. Bubba Richards and his redneck friends agree: those critters should at least be medium rare to bring out all the juicy flavors.

2. Every millennium or so the “Sin Count” reaches its limit and God initiates the Apocalypse. The world has already ended and begun again 665 times. Each time the Sin Eaters have failed to defeat the Sin Army. Is the 666th time the charm?

3. A rash of missing person cases strikes Fluvanna County, Virginia at about the same time detective Anna Robertson's new boyfriend stocks his freezer--and hers--with ground beef. Would it be rude, while eating his tacos, to ask him where he shops ?

4. They're called "Devil's food cake" and "Deviled eggs" for a reason: the secret ingredient is the blood of innocent victims. A trail of bodies points Inspector Jarrett toward a secret society of chefs on a culinary journey to sample all foods so decadent they're sinful.

5. Amy Williams is the world's most unusual vampire, but can she get a date? The beauty gene never even sniffed in her direction. Maybe it's time to head to the gym and set sights on brooding rogue cop Drake Heattrew. If he ever finds out she sucks sin out of mortals, he'll book 'er - but by then, Amy might just have reformed this bad boy.

6. When Jason attempts an escape from prison, he is hit by a runaway golf cart. In limbo he meets Satan who offers him a deal; eat seven people who embody the seven deadly sins, or rot with him in hell. Jason’s a vegan. Will he accept the deal or barter for a vegetarian alternative?


Original Version

Dear Evilest of Editors,

When Archangel Michael drives the getaway-car after Dove accidentally kills her foster brother, Dove knows her life is about to change. [If the death was an accident, why is there a getaway car?] [Also, shouldn't an archangel be able to come up with a better escape plan than driving away in a car?] But how could she have expected she would soon be responsible for saving the world? [I don't see any need for that paragraph. The foster brother killing is never mentioned again, and the rest of it is general.]

Every millennium or so the “Sin Count” reaches its limit and God decides to initiate the Apocalypse. [I'm pretty sure this doesn't happen every thousand years on Earth. You might be able to sell every ten thousand years.] The world has already ended and begun again 665 times. [If we accept the first sentence, that means Apocalypses have been happening for 665,000 years. Which means the Sin Count was reaching its limit before man even existed.] Dove learns she is part of a legendary group called the Sin Eaters, who are reincarnated on the eve of every Armageddon to attempt to save the world from its violent end. They have never yet succeeded. [I have a non-violent solution. Every millennium or so, raise the Sin Count ceiling.]

Dove is brought to a secret encampment deep in the Rocky Mountains where she is reunited with a variety of battle-weary, but hopeful, allies she has known for eternity, as well as an eccentric army of “End-of-Worlders.” But they have a crisis to prepare for: the first stage of the Apocalypse is going to start soon, and when it does an army of sin incarnate is going to storm the earth. [That sentence shouldn't have a "but" at the beginning.] If they don’t defeat it before the seventh stage ends, God will destroy the world. [This "God" character is a real downer. Is this the same God so many people think is hot stuff?]

Not only are they fighting a Sin Army, they also have to deal with the numerous trials God sends their way (famine, earthquakes, rivers of blood, etc.), and an Antichrist. Is it any wonder they have never yet succeeded? [You'd think the Antichrist would send the famine and rivers of blood. Is the Antichrist the good guy?]

But Dove is determined to triumph, and throws herself into training and plotting. She would probably have more success if Michael, her soul-mate, wasn’t so hell-bent on staying away from her; [What is it she's not having success at?] he believes their relationship is one of the reasons the Sin Eaters have continuously failed. [If you've failed at something 665 times and you still don't know what you're doing wrong, blame it on your woman.] But just when the group’s chances are looking up, someone in their number finally gets fed up with God’s antics, and joins ranks with the Antichrist, deciding the world might be better off under different rule. [This person who gets fed up with God's antics should be the main character. Anyone with the guts to show God the error of His ways deserves star billing.]

Dove and the Sin Eaters continue to attempt to vanquish the world of evil, but is it finally time to take the world back from God as well? [It was time during the Roman Empire. What are we waiting for?]

The Sin Eaters is a YA urban fantasy, complete at 75,000 words.

Thank you very much for your time!


Notes

We don't need this much information. Dump the first paragraph and the fourth. Rewrite the fifth, getting rid of Michael and focusing on how things are going well, who betrays them to join the Antichrist, and what they plan to do about it.

Possibly I shouldn't bring up the math problems. Possibly readers should accept this as an alternate history of Earth, in which everyone was killed off a thousand years ago, and the population has reached seven billion since then. But it seems when a fantasy is set on Earth, and you ask the reader to accept the existence of Sin Eaters and a Sin Army, that you might want to ground the book in reality as much as possible. It might as well be another planet if nothing is recognizable other than the Rocky Mountains. I can accept that there's an Apocalypse every thousand years on the Gohr prison planet Lycus IV, because I don't know any better.

You'd think Hitler would have pushed the Sin Count to Apocalyptic levels all by himself, but we're still here. Maybe Rupert Murdoch will push it over the top.

Face-Lift 921

Guess the Plot 

  The After Burn 

 1. Jacob can make fire with rhymes. Of course, not rhyming can be difficult, so he frequently burns stuff down. Like his bedroom. Evicted by his parents, his life in ashes, Jacob tries to forge a new life on the red-hot anvil of his incendiary past. 

 2. Horribly scarred in a welding accident, former beauty queen Arlia Parker must choose between spending her settlement money on reconstructive plastic surgery or building a home for some pitiful orphans. 

 3. Firefighter Lou Chance is almost killed due to a faulty suit. Now he is angry and disfigured, his melted suit clinging to his skin, a painful reminder of the accident that ruined his life. So he becomes a serial arsonist. But is he getting revenge or just burning bridges? 

 4. Steve thinks he's a total stud when he scores with the hottest girl in his dorm. But a few days later it feels like there's a 400-degree jalapeno cactus in his shorts - and his girlfriend returns from study abroad next week. Can the campus clinic cure . . . the after burn? 

5. Can a top-notch jet jockey eat Jack-in-the-Box at 3:00 am, without suffering acid reflux so bad it knocks him off the flight list? That’s the bet Jim “Night Train” Snakewood staked his life savings on. If he wins, he can buy his mom that cruise she’s literally dying to take. But, if he loses, his squadron commander will eat him a new one—and we ain’t talking cheeseburgers here! 

 6. Jack can't believe his luck: the Fairy Queen wants him to impregnate her and save the species! It's a night of bliss with an incredible queen. Only one thing--why are they building a huge bonfire with his name on it next door? 

  Original Version 

 Dear [Agent Name], When Jacob learns to burn, fire consumes his family ties, fire sweeps the stages of all his crimes, fire eats flesh off his best friend's hand, the blaze atoning the betrayal. Fire forges a throne under the hot city lights. [If this were an actual submission to Evil Editor, fire would now be consuming the query letter.] 

He reigns as smoldering king of Opi Eight, his safe place, his club-scene circus where he drowns the flames in drinks and dramas. It's all a fine time until the soured love of estranged friends and family send [sends] him to burn again. [I'm hoping that eventually we'll reach a paragraph that sounds like a reasonable way to start a business letter.] The After Burn is told from the perspective of Jacob Ravensway, a young man able to make fire with rhymes and his mind: a talent that appears every other generation on his mother's side. 

As a child, Jacob's mother resorts to wild abuse and discourages his hot skills. His father is indifferent. Jacob's not sure what his sister thinks; Nina has problems of her own. At sixteen, when he sets fire to his bedroom, Jacob is sent away from home to reside at Bristol Place, a house he inherits from his dead grandmother. [Does she die after he moves there?] [Is she his grandmother on his mother's side? Because this place won't last a day with two pyro-poets in residence.] He finds a new family in three homeless youth he befriends, and they make a home of the old, drafty place, funding their lives with petty theft, and eventually a criminal enterprise that ends in blood and bullets. 

 His life in ashes, Jacob begins again as the proprietor of a bar where he juggles bottles, broads, and the bomb of his incindiary [sp.] history. The faces of his criminal youth resurface, [Apparently the blood and bullets were their bullets and someone else's blood.] and in the ensuing immolation, there arises a chance for love refined in fire. At 70,000 words, The After Burn is an urban-fantasy/suspense novel about a young man forging a new life on the red-hot anvil of his past. 

The book is written to appeal to young adult and adult audiences 17 and older. A full version of the manuscript is available at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration. 

 Very Best Regards, 

  Notes 

 You've made the book sound like literary fiction instead of urban fantasy/suspense. By which I imply not that this would be a good query if the book were literary fiction, but that a query for an urban fantasy should tell us what happens in the book. (This element may, of course, be dispensed with in literary fiction, where it's a given that nothing happens.) 

 Start over. Resist peppering the query with words like smoldering, ashes, anvil, bomb, forge, flames, incendiary, immolation. Summarize the plot using language you would use if a stranger in a bar asked you what your book's about. And I don't mean a stranger with cloven hooves drinking flaming absinthe shots. 

 First the set-up. Jacob starts fires. Always intentionally, i.e. he's in control of his power? Or accidentally when he happens to say things that rhyme? He burns his bedroom, parents throw him out. What horrible thing happens next because he starts a fire? Who's this love interest? How does he plan to resolve his problem in order to make a life for himself? Does he become a superhero, using his power for good like The Human Torch? 

 This is more of an outline: Jacob lives with parents until he is sent to his grandmother's, then he hooks up with some homeless kids, then he opens a bar, then he meets his true love and lives happily ever after until the night he asks her to make him a mai tai and she bursts into flames. 

Focus on the main story line. Presumably this involves Jacob's redemption, which is barely mentioned in the query. We're not going to want to read about Jacob if all we know about is his arson and other crimes. Make us care about him. Urban fantasy nowadays is all about female MC's with kick-ass attitude. You may want to call this dark fantasy. Like the query letter, the book should be written in clear prose. If it sounds anything like the first two paragraphs of the query, you have a lot of work ahead of you.

Face-Lift 916

Guess the Plot

Finding the Path

1. After a night of drunken forest debauchery, Todd wakes up at noon in a blackberry thicket, naked. Who were those chicks and why did they lead him here? Which way is home? And what happened to his frigging glasses? He can't see a thing without them.

2. 1941 Scotland. Sent to live in the country for safety, fifteen-year-old Mary and her brother Philip are bored and lonely. When the old gardener tells them about a secret pathway near the bridge, they decide to have a look. But will they find a trail--or something more sinister? Also, a ghostly fox.

3. A tribe of rabbits must find a new home when bulldozers arrive to turn their meadow into a parking lot.

4. Hansel and Gretel, aka 'House' and 'Grit,' have been abandoned halfway between Texas and Washington, DC by their crack-head mother. Can they find their way home to dad? Will he even realize they're missing, unless he runs out of beer?

5. Englebert lives in a bewitched forest. He eats roots, berries, and slow-moving varmints, sleeps in the hollow of a tree and dreams about a path that leads to the castle where the evil wizard who turned beautiful Naomi to glass now keeps her locked in a tower. Englebert wants to save the damsel, but he can't actually find that path without the help of a certain uncooperative elf.

6. Flip Miller develops telepathic powers after a nuclear blast and uses them to start a horse training business that doesn't require any whispering. Then the sheriff rides into town and asks Flip to use her powers to find some missing persons--including her grandmother. Can Flip ascertain "Which way did they go?" or do her powers just work on the equine crowd?


Original Version

Dear Prospective Agent,

Life isn’t easy in the aftermath of a psionic nuke, [My Googling of "psionic nuke" turns up pages of video game-related responses. This leads me to wonder if you learned the term from your obsession with Starcraft II.] and a tiny fraction of the survivors have discovered new mental abilities within themselves even as they band together into small communities to ward off predators. ["Even as" implies that one wouldn't expect the development of new mental abilities from people banding together to ward off predators. I don't see that one has anything to do with the other.] ["Developed" is a tighter way of saying "discovered within themselves."]

Horse trainer Philippa Miller doesn’t whisper to horses; with her telepathic connection, she doesn’t have to. [Is it a telepathic connection just with horses?] But when the sheriff of the territory comes to find out if her gift can help him discover what is happening to the growing number of missing persons [discovering their whereabouts would take priority over discovering what's happening to them.] and her own grandmother vanishes, Flip finds herself up against the challenge of her life. [I would call surviving in the aftermath of a psionic nuke a bigger challenge. Either her gift can help the sheriff or it can't.] And she finds her abilities tested by an evil beyond her worst nightmares [An evil even worse than the aftermath of a psionic nuke?] even as she awakens to the possibility of a love beyond her wildest dreams. [With the sheriff?] [That's the second time you've used "even as" as a connector. It seems to work better here, although we have no idea what you mean by "an evil beyond her worst nightmares."]

FINDING THE PATH is an 81,000 word urban fantasy. I believe it will appeal to readers of Patricia Briggs, Rachel Caine and Faith Hunter. Following the old adage of 'write what you know', I raised and trained horses for many years and my husband [is an evil beyond my worst nightmares.] and children believe I'm telepathic. [Let's find out if you're telepathic. What am I going to say about your query?]

Thank you very much for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

An evil beyond her worst nightmares/a love beyond her wildest dreams may seem like a clever contrast, but to me it's where the query comes splashing down in a pool of vagueness, even as it reaches its conclusion.

Is there a war going on, or did just one psionic nuke go off, thanks to terrorists or an accident? If it's the latter, can't the survivors go somewhere else instead of banding together to ward off predators? It sounds like the nuke incident occurred in the middle of nowhere. Was this territory an urban setting before the psionic nuke?

As no one else's mental powers are mentioned, and nothing is made of the predators, you might want to open with the focus on Flip:

In the aftermath of a psionic nuke, horse trainer Philippa Miller has developed a telepathic connection with her animals. When Sheriff Chad Massive drops by "Flip's" ranch to ask if her abilities might be useful in finding a string of missing persons, she hesitates--until she learns that her grandmother is the latest to go missing.

Start with something like that, and take us through the search and the evil and the romance even as you bombard us with specific fascinating details.

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Guess the Plot

Closed Pathways

1. When the agent for country singer Lyanna Hines is found dead backstage at the Staples Center, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: One, that hammer didn't bury itself in the agent's skull, and two, when his wife sees that Lyanna Hines is a juicy redhead, he's going to be in for some serious questions.

2. Thumbelina has been wandering the pathways of the Alderton Maze in search of a way out for seven hundred years, when at last she encounters the wizard-hedgeman with his magical clippers. It's spite at first sight, but they must work together to forge an exit before that wicked witch, Tiffany, returns from the hairdresser's -- or be lost forever.

3. Due to a rare disorder, Amy's neurological pathways are shutting down. She has only enough time to write down a murder confession before she's paralyzed completely. Detective Alvarez doesn't believe her story- and the real killer may strike again. Does Amy's past life hold the clues to the killer's identity?

4. Juliana thought her father was dead, but he's just shown up, demanding that she cast a magical spell that will open the pathway to his homeland. She would prefer not to, because casting the spell will annihilate the human race. Then again, what's a little collateral damage if it means getting rid of the old man for good?

5. When Emily goes for her jog at Dume Park, she discovers all but a single trail are closed for maintenance. Determined to get her cardio at any cost, she follows the unfamiliar trail, soon realizing that something hungrily stalks her from the bushes. Suddenly that legend of the Dume Park Werewolf doesn't seem so silly.

6. No one can rescue the princess because of the obstacles: monkey trees, a wicked witch's moat full of quicksand, mountainous terrain prone to avalanches, a zombie horde, and Ludlow the Shadow King. Jack, a lowly woodcutter, decides to try anyway. He has this magical ax and a trusty steed. Plus, his random companions: two fencing wenches, a juvenile delinquent, and a jolly butler.


Original Version

Dear Evil Agent,

I learned on your agency’s website that you are currently interested in urban fantasy manuscripts. I think you may enjoy my novel, Closed Pathways, complete at 80,000 words. I hope you will consider it for representation.

Small time enchanter Juliana Silva’s life goes from comfy to crazy when her mother is kidnapped through a mirror and she discovers her faery heritage is a lot stronger than she thought. Now Juliana is searching for her mom [In the mirror?] while getting used to seeing pointy ears every time she looks in the mirror. [Her mother was kidnapped by Mister Spock?] Not to mention learning how to use magical abilities she didn’t even know existed. When she finally locates her mother [In the mirror?] they have the family reunion from hell. [I had the family reunion from hell last year. The ex-in-laws and brain-dead Uncle Mort and Evilette's serial-killer boyfriend were bad enough, but then Satan crashes the party.] Juliana’s supposedly deceased father, who’s surprisingly lively for a dead guy, is actually full-blooded fae. He’s also behind the whole mess. Cyprian has been stranded on Earth since the pathways to the faery homeland, Arcadia, [It's not clear that Cyprian is Julie's father, as it would be if you'd named him when you first mentioned him.] were closed a hundred and fifty years ago. Now he wants them reopened. Juliana is the only one who can do it, but she takes off after finding out about some of the spell’s nastier side effects. Like casting it will kill her. [Why is it that a small-time enchanter has the power to do something the superwizzes can't? What makes Juliana so special?]

If she wants to live to a ripe old age Juliana has to find a way to put the brakes on her father’s plans before he finds her again. Staying alive tops her priority list, but knowing reality itself might be destroyed if Earth and Arcadia reconnect provides extra motivation. Now she and her shapeshifter bodyguard are up to their eyeballs in magical attacks, mundane gunfights, and all levels of New York society. [If her father hasn't found her yet, why is she up to her eyeballs in magical attacks?] Good thing the gorgeous guy Juliana just met is a force to be reckoned with in all three departments. But no amount of magic and money can stand against good old-fashioned treachery. Cyprian will do whatever it takes to get home. Even if it means murdering his own daughter and annihilating the human race.


Notes

It sounds like Juliana has to cast the spell that opens the pathways. Thus Cyprian should be motivated to keep her alive at all costs. I don't see how murdering her would help him get home. Nor would it annihilate the human race, as it would prevent her from casting the spell.

Why didn't Cyprian kidnap Juliana instead of Juliana's mother? How did Julie learn that casting the spell could wipe out everyone?

I don't think we need the magic mirror and the mother in the query. The setup is: Juliana Silva’s supposedly deceased father, Cyprian, who’s surprisingly lively for a dead guy, is actually full-blooded fae. He’s been stranded on Earth since the pathways to the faerie homeland, Arcadia, were closed a hundred and fifty years ago. Now he wants them reopened, a task only Juliana can manage because I, the author, have so declared.

Now we have more space to explain what Cyprian can do to force Juliana to cast a spell that will kill her and annihilate the human race (of which I assume her mother is a member, so Cyprian can hardly say, Cast the spell or I'll kill your mother). And to tell us how Juliana plans to put the brakes on her father's plan. And to hint at how hot sex with a shapeshifter is.

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Guess the Plot

Thrice-Born

1. Fred "Watermelon-head" Weiskopf always wondered why his mother never liked him. On his 18th birthday, his dad took him aside and explained why.

2. Cats have nine lives, but Lindsay isn’t sure how many high school girls are supposed to have. After dying and coming back to life twice before she turned 16, she’s determined that this life will be her last.

3. Twins Andra and Andy stumble into an assassination plot that could mean war, but preventing it won't be easy, especially as Andy's already the victim of an assassination attempt, or at least he will be in twelve hours when he finally dies from the stab wound he just got.

4. Dirk Beefhead is a born-again Christian who's been born yet again, this time in the era of Christ. Now it's time to find out whether people in Biblical times will accept or stone a guy named Dirk Beefhead.

5. Melissa, Amanda, and Avery, the princess triplets from Alahazarc, were swept away at birth to the three corners of the land by the evil minions of the Dragon Prince, who plots to leave the rightful King and Queen grief-stricken heirless. But on their sixteenth birthday, the triplets finally meet. From there it's all a matter of sword fighting, fire breathing reptiles and fending off deceitful ragamuffins. If only the girls could stop making out with their endless string of beaus long enough to keep their heads in the game!

6. After discovering Jesus on the Tammy Faye Baker TV show, Jeff Smith was 'born again' as a Christian. He still drank, smoked, and cheated on his wife. Then one dark and stormy night his car hit a tree. Next thing -- he's reborn as a gnat. Oops. Now he must find a way to build good karma as a bug, or spend infinite lives as an insect. But what good can a gnat do?

7. He remembers growing up on a farm in 17th century Bavaria and coming-of-age in his tribe in 19th century Africa. Now, with the hormone rush of puberty (again) comes the remembrance of reincarnation (again) along with Adam/Agwa/Amanda's overwhelming desire to play with his own tits.

8. Corey has flashbacks of his two previous lives. He clocked-up enough bad karma in each to curse him for the next forty incarnations. With his trusty time machine, he can travel back to visit his previous selves - but can he talk himself out of the evil deeds?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I would like you to consider my YA urban fantasy, THRICE-BORN, complete at 70,000 words.

Seventeen years old Andra’s life is full. On top of dealing with the aftermath of drunken sex with the best friend whose advances she’d previously rejected, concealing the growing pain caused by her fractured soul, she also has to make a choice that will determine her standing in Octavian society. [I'd get rid of "concealing the growing pain caused by her fractured soul," as it's too vague.] As a mere Initiate, she is powerless until she makes her Offering and chooses a Discipline: the spiritual Dyaus who sacrifice a piece of their spirit at the risk of madness, or the immoral but powerful Prithvi, who offer blood. [Seventeen-year-old. Hyphens make it one word, and changing "years" to "year" makes it nounish. Sort of like saying auto mechanic Andra... She's seventeen, but she's a seventeen-year-old. But enough about that. Her life is full? That, to me, is a good thing. Who doesn't want to have a life that's full? But you describe a life that sucks. A more accurate opening line would be: Seventeen-year-old Andra is having a bad week. Substitute that and see how much better it reads. Of course, that may not be the tone you're going for, as it sounds a bit casual, if not flippant. But come up with something that suggests her plate is full. Like Seventeen-year-old Andra's plate is full.] [Also, it's unclear what you mean when you say the Prithvi "offer blood."] [Actually, the whole paragraph is pretty unclear.]

Andra’s life takes a dramatic turn when a mercenary Disciple attacks her astral twin, Andy, and stabs him with a cursed dagger. [Sounds like it's Andy's life that's taken a dramatic turn.] If she can’t destroy the spell draining his life, her brother will die in twelve hours. [Is Andy her twin brother? If so, why call him her astral twin?] Complications arise [It sounded pretty complicated already.] as Andra finds out that the Disciple holding the spell is her best friend’s estranged mother, the Prithvi Priestess Alazne. Andra and the rest of her friends battle time, family, and secrets best left buried [No need to mention secrets unless you're going to reveal what they are.] as they risk everything to save Andy, and stumble in the middle of an assassination plot [When you've got a cursed dagger protruding from your gut, it's hard to concern yourself with some other assassination plot that you stumble on.] that could throw their society back into war.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

What's the point of stabbing someone with a cursed dagger that kills him in twelve hours? If you want him dead, a standard everyday dagger will do the job in a lot less than twelve hours. Even a cursed dagger might kill him quickly if you stab him in the right place. Was he stabbed in the foot?

It's not clear what making an Offering means. In fact, it's not clear what the plot is, unless the majority of the book takes place in the twelve hours after Andy gets stabbed.

The first plot paragraph is complicated and unclear. Dump the whole thing; it's a turn-off. Start over. Tell us who Andra is. Then: Andra's twin brother Andy has twelve hours to live, thanks to a spell put on him by the priestess Alazni. How can she save him? Who's trying to prevent her from saving him? How is this connected with the assassination plot/war? Keep it simple.

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Guess the Plot

Bad Luck Woman

1. Blackjack dealer Fiona Carlyle doesn't know why none of the casino's patrons ever plays at her table. Could it have something to do with that pesky nickname?

2. Corrie has always had bad luck, but little things like losing her keys or breaking her toaster were tolerable. Now some woman has decided she needs Corrie's blood in order to release the legions of hell upon the Earth, and Corrie may finally have to put her foot down.

3. Alakshimi, Hindu goddess of misfortune, decides to pack her bags and leave her father's ocean of milk for the sunny streets of Mumbai. Unfortunately, her attempts to make it big in Bollywood are plagued by, well, misfortune. Can she overcome her own cursed divinity and hook up with the sexy, toe-stubbing prop handler before her father turns her into a goat?

4. Tony and his band never really thought they'd make it big. But when their album, "Bad Luck Woman," is picked up by a big-time record company, they find themselves in a world of fame and fortune. Trouble is, the Bad Luck Woman Tony's written about is his murderous ex-girlfriend, and when she finds out the new hit single is about her, she sets out on a path of revenge.

5. Marjorie Davis, American widow, takes a holiday in Glencoe, having read too many romance novels set in the highlands. Unfortunately for her, the foul-mouthed, slovenly proprietor of the B&B she stays at knows all the same stories.

6. Superhero Tornado Man has met his match. Every time he answers a distress call he is delayed by dodgy spandex, broken zips and velcro that won't unstick. It's the work of Bad Luck Woman! Can he overcome her fiendish powers, and if he does will she fall for him?



Original Version

Dear EE:

Corrie Kingston is plagued with bad luck: important items become lost or stolen, appliances and electronics break in her presence, and she seems particularly adept at getting herself into sticky situations. One night, her luck goes from bad to worse when a strange man [What's strange about him?] follows her home. Even stranger, [Even stranger than what? Being followed home by a strange man? I doubt any woman would describe being followed home at night as "strange." "Terrifying" is more like it.] he claims that she's the long lost descendant of some forgotten fairy king, [Is that how he puts it? "Some forgotten fairy king"?] and he's been tasked with protecting her. [Hard to believe he doesn't remember which king it is, yet he's taking orders to protect the king's descendants.] [Also, it's not clear how her luck has gone from bad to worse. A guy who could have been a stalker/murderer/rapist turns out to be her protector. Sounds like her luck has gone from bad to fantastic.] All her bad luck, he says, is a side effect of a spell that's been cast to hide her from her enemies.

Like any rational person, Corrie is ready to call the police, until a creature that's half-boar, half-wolf, and all nightmare crashes through her window. [Is it a boar with a wolf's head or a wolf with a boar's head? I think it should be whichever one looks scarier, but I'm having trouble deciding:]











Apparently Thom, the man who says he's supposed to protect her, isn't so crazy after all. [Is Thom there when the creature crashes in? Because I can't believe she invited him into her home. But if he's gone, he's not much of a protector. And if he is gone, why doesn't she think the boar/wolf is just her usual bad luck? Did Thom say, "Okay, I'll leave, but don't be surprised if a half boar/half wolf creature crashes through your window, because that's just the kind of thing your enemies will try."?]

After a narrow escape, Corrie finds herself caught up in the intrigues of Atlanta's hidden fairy court. Among the beautiful and manipulative courtly fae, Corrie learns that she's the last mortal descendant of Auberon, the Summer King, [At least someone remembers which king she's descended from.] and is considered a potent weapon. Only her blood can reopen the gate to hell and renew the pact between the fairy courts and demons. Long ago, the Summer King gave his life to seal it. Now, in a bid for power, the Queen of Night wants to break the seal and unleash the leigons [legions] of hell upon the earth. And she doesn't care if Corrie survives the process.

BAD LUCK WOMAN is an urban fantasy novel, complete at 85,000 words.


Notes

In my opinion, unleashing the legions of hell upon the Earth is more likely to give power to the legions of hell than to the Queen of Night. Possibly the legions of hell, out of gratitude, will give their loyalty to the Queen of Night, but can you really trust the legions of hell?

I don't see what bad luck has to do with anything. She's the last descendant of the king who closed the gate to hell, not a random person. We don't read about Frodo and Dorothy and Buffy and think, Man they're unlucky. Basically you're calling the book Bad Luck Woman because her coffee maker never works right.

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Guess the Plot

Shadowlands

1. Twelve year old Ruul has the ability to blink from his home in the kingdom of Ithmire to the alternate world of the Shadowlands. On one of these blinks, Ruul becomes trapped in the Shadowlands and is dragged into the Shadowland people's struggle to overthrow their evil emperor Kylmere.

2. Kayli has no time for romance; she spends her nights in the shadows of the city, hunting criminals. But when two sexy guys move next door, Kayli thinks her love life is about to take a turn for the better, until the guys inform her that they are actually immortal warriors sent to protect her from a fallen angel who wants to banish her to eternal servitude.

3. When Rebecca Thompson realizes there is another dimension that mirrors earth, where our shadows live and breathe, she enlists the help of her best friend Gregory--a warlock--to transport her there. If Rebecca can steal her mother's shadow, she can use it to get her mother out of a coma. But Greg has other plans for his "best friend."

4. When twin brothers David and Jacob Grant uncover dinosaur bones while building a fence on the family's ranch, they know they're in for adventure. They just aren't expecting the Feds, the media, and those spunky but annoying Davis sisters to be part of the fun.

5. Forensic specialist Kara Hall falls through the shadow of her current autopsy and winds up in the Shadowlands--a parallel plane that mirrors our world. There she must solve the murder or become a shadow herself.

6. Justine has always lived in Death Valley. When she wakes up one day to nothing but darkness, she thinks a storm is coming. Unbeknownst to her though, a thick dark cloud has fallen over Death Valley, bigger than any storm cloud and chock full of electricity that will not just strike like lightning, but bathe the valley in charged light.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Kayli Ryan’s life is in the dumps. She’s the worst witch ever, forced to take her best friend with her when she hunts criminals at night, because she can’t even work one simple spell. [Why is she hunting criminals at night? Is it her job? A hobby? Why would her friend agree to hunt criminals with her?] As an artist, she’d have a better chance paying for groceries by hocking her painting supplies than waiting for a canvas to sell. Abandoned at birth, she has no family, just a cat that doesn’t like her. And if it weren’t for the erotic dreams she’s been having lately, she’d have no love life at all. [This list of stuff about Kayli is too long. And because almost none of it is important enough to be mentioned again, it seems to have no purpose other than to prove that the first sentence is true. We could save a lot of space by just saying: Kayli Ryan’s love life is in the dumps. In fact, if it weren’t for the erotic dreams she’s been having lately, she’d have no love life at all.] [Wait, that doesn't tell us she's a witch, which is important information--or it would be, except it turns out she isn't a witch, which she might have figured out for herself from the fact that she can't even work one simple spell.]

But when two sexy neighbors move in next door, Kayli thinks her luck might be changing. She is immediately drawn to golden-haired Chase Donovan. With the face of an angel and a body meant for sin, he makes her heart race like no man before him. But when noble Chase rejects her advances, Kayli turns to his willing roommate Alexander to fulfill her fantasies and quench the fire in her that is burning hotter every day.

Fearing his friend’s sexual pursuits will turn into coupling—[It sounds like it already has.] or heaven forbid, bonding— Chase tells Kayli the truth, that he and Alex are immortal warriors sent by her father to protect her. In fact, she’s not a witch at all, [Where did she get the idea she was a witch?] but the hybrid daughter of a powerful fallen angel—and she’s been hidden on earth all these years to keep her safe from her family’s enemies who have long since sent her father and mother into the abyss. Chase and Alex believe that one of the original fallen angels has Kayli in his sights, playing a game that could lead to her eternal servitude—or final death.

As if that isn’t bad enough, Kayli’s highest purpose on earth is put to the test when a rapist she’s let slip through her fingers begins to murder his victims to punish Kayli for her interference. [If she was abandoned at birth, how does she know about her purpose on Earth?] She just might be able to stop him from claiming his next victim if she can keep her hands off her neighbors and old enemies off her back.

Shadowlands is a completed 70,000 word erotic urban fantasy.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

The first two paragraphs describe a romantic comedy. Then it morphs into something far more serious, with talk of eternal servitude, final death, a rapist. Then it closes with a combination of the two: She just might be able to stop the rapist who murders his victims if she can keep her hands off her sexy neighbors. I'd like to end the killing spree of this rapist/murderer, but I'm too busy having fallen-angel sex.

If Kayli can't work spells, how does she manage to defeat criminals? Does she have any supernatural powers?

I think you need to tell us what Kayli is, rather than what she isn't, up front.

Sending your daughter to Earth to hide her from your enemies may be noble, but abandoning her at birth is a bit extreme. Couldn't they leave her with a family? Who raised her?

I would reorganize this and leave out some element. Perhaps the rapist is the main conflict and we don't need the original fallen angel who's out to get Kayli. Or the opposite, we can do without the rapist. Focus on the main problem, and the plan to solve it.

Do Chase and Alex provide any evidence that they're immortal warriors and that Kayli is the hybrid daughter of a fallen angel? Because most people probably wouldn't buy this line at face value.

The usual situation in urban fantasy is that a kick-ass heroine with a lot of attitude fights bad guys while dealing with personal problems. Thus I would expect the sexy neighbors to be the personal problems. Instead they're immortal warriors sent to protect the heroine. I'm less inclined to cheer on a heroine who needs this much protection.

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Guess the Plot

The Devil You Know

1. You must choose to spend the rest of your life on an island with one of the following: Matthew McConaughey or Ed "Prison" King.

2. A new "Devil" mystery/fantasy/romance/memoir/thriller series. To be followed by: The Devil Made Me Do It, The Devil You Say!, Devil in a Blue Dress and You Devil You. With titles like these, who needs a plot?

3. Angel sees dead people. She thought they were ghosts, but it turns out what she's been seeing are demons, and they force her to choose eternal damnation or insanity. Are the living conditions better in hell or an asylum?

4. They say the devil you know is better than the one you don't. But after dating Ba'alzriel for six long years with no end in sight, Aramythia is ready to look for a new squeeze. After all, there are plenty to choose from in Hell.

5. When Hannah first meets her new college roommate, Giselle strikes her as a little odd. Nice enough, but a trifle . . . off. And that's before Hannah notices the horns, the tail, and the smoking cloven hoofprints that Giselle leaves on the carpet.

6. Executed serial killer Ed Parker Hull, awaiting his afterlife fate, finds both Satan and Adramelech vying for his soul. One he's never heard of, the other has a pretty bad reputation. Is it better to sign on with . . . The Devil You Know?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Angel Dawson sees dead people. [It's sort of a sixth sense. Spoiler alert: she's dead.] The problem is she doesn’t see them well. [She sees them like she's looking at them through her windshield and she didn't scrape off the ice.] “Blessed” with just enough of the sight that ghosts think she can help them [Help them what?] —and get really ticked off when she can’t—Angie has to spend [spends] every second with her ghostly partner Zeke, who amplifies her meager abilities and keeps the not-so-departed from taking their frustrations out on her. [Not clear what you mean by her meager abilities. Her ability to see dead people? If he amplifies this ability, why doesn't she see them well?] Usually, anyway.

As if that isn’t claustrophobic enough, Angie’s mom puts the “over” in overprotective, going as far as restricting her access to friends and taking her out of school to work full time as a spectral liaison with the local police department. [So Mom knows Angie sees dead people. Does Mom know about Zeke?] It’s not at all the sort of life Angie wants, and she’s desperate for a change. [Why does Mom force her to work for the police?]

Be careful what you ask for.

Angie’s mom dies and Zeke confesses that her whole life has been a lie. He’s not a ghost—he’s a demon. And Angie is a demonseer. [Is that a person who sees demons or a seer who's a demon or a seer who knows what demons are planning to do or . . . ?] [It sounds like Zeke's life is the one that was a lie. He knew he was a demon. Angie didn't know she was a demonseer, and if you think you're telling the truth, as I told the judge during my perjury trial, it's not exactly a lie.] As bleak as her prospects were before they’re worse now; she can either deal with the demons stalking her, and be corrupted, or she can refuse and be driven insane. ["Deal with" seems to mean "work with." Cooperate. I'd say "work with," as "deal with" has other possible meanings.]

She immediately knows which she'll choose. Being crazy was never in her life plan but when the alternative is eternal damnation, life in an asylum starts to look [looks] pretty good. But then she helps the police with one last case and brings herself to the attention of a particularly nasty demon. He wants to deal. [I get the impression "deal" has a special meaning in the demon world. If so, I would leave it (and demonseer) out of the query unless you explain what they mean.]

And he’s not taking “No” for an answer.

Written for the young adult market, “The Devil You Know” is complete at 75,000 words and may appeal to fans of Richelle Mead and PC and Kristin Cast. Sample pages are included below and the full manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time,


Notes

How does Angie know she'll go insane if she doesn't deal?

Sending your daughter off to work for the police as a spectral liaison is being more protective than sending her to school? Either the job is safer than it sounds or the school is a war zone.

The first paragraph isn't setting up the situation clearly enough. She sees dead people. The dead people want what from her? Maybe you should skip all that and start:

16-year-old Angel Dawson is a demonseer, a person who can see and communicate with demons. She'd like to be attending high school with the other kids, but the police need her as a full time "spectral liaison."

This gets you to the crucial deal/insanity decision and the nasty demon more quickly, allowing you plenty of room to tell us what happens.

Face-Lift 809

Guess the Plot

Hidden in Shadows

1. Adam is an online dating conman, pimping with an army of fake female profiles, waiting for the next lonely male to take the bait. The last thing he expects is the attentions of a bisexual redhead whose words burn in his inbox. Should he risk everything and break anonymity to find her? Will she still be interested when she finds out he is a he?

2. Assassin Lorna McCloud has an advantage over her victims: the power to create and hide in artificial shadows. She heads for an island nation where many people want the king dead, hoping for a lucrative assignment. When she falls for the monarch, will she give him her heart . . . or put a bullet through his?

3. When the mangled bodies of teen prostitutes are found by the La Brea tar pits, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: These kids weren't mangled by Mastodons, and he'd better stop by the gift shop and get something for his son.

4. There's a whole species of Shadow-Beings who live in a parallel existence to ours. They huddle next to buildings, linger under trees, and avoid the Equator. When Darkwyn, the Shadow King, seeks to extend his rule, his first objective is a human queen: Mandy, the waitress at the local all-nite diner.

5. Jennie's dying mom will never get a lifesaving operation if Jennie doesn't rustle up some cash and fast. Unskilled and a recovering sex addict, Jennie slides into prostitution, her only option, but her fear of relapsing into addiction keeps her . . . hidden in shadows.

6. Avenging the stalking death of his sister, scientist James Fraille releases a phosphorous chemical into the air which eliminates shadows. No one can lurk in shadows; no one can spy from shadows. No one can sweep rice cake crumbs into shadows. One unexpected drawback—the air is losing oxygen and everyone will soon suffocate.


Original Version

Dear Agent,

I would love for you to consider [That goes without saying. Or at least it should.] HIDDEN IN SHADOWS, a 96,000-word urban fantasy romance novel.

Lorna McCloud is an assassin hell bent on avenging her father's murder only she has no leads [except the knowledge that the murderer has six fingers on his right hand]. Soon she has more important issues to deal with than whether to use a dagger or a gun to kill her next target. [The connection between those sentences isn't there. Either drop the father and begin: Assassin Lorna McCloud has more important issues to deal with than whether to use a dagger or a gun on her next target. For one thing, she's been captured by... Or, drop the dagger/gun "issue" and begin: Lorna McCloud is an assassin hell-bent on avenging her father's murder, but right now she has more important issues to deal with; she's been captured by...]

First, she's captured by the Paranormal Intelligence Agency, a shady, clandestine organization. A PIA henchman tells Lorna that she has the ability to create and hide in artificial shadows, a power she had unknowingly used during her nightly killings. [If she kills at night, what does she need artificial shadows for? It's dark at night.] Lorna distrusts the agency, and manages to escape.

Then Lorna heads to a small island where many of her potential clients want the king dead. [Each paragraph is a different plot. Tie them together with more than Lorna being in them.] Lorna hasn't felt the stirrings of love in a long time, but something about the noble Alaric makes her long for the light after her lifetime spent in shadow. [I assume the noble Alaric is the king? How is it that Lorna is getting to know him? You don't just go to some country and start socializing with the king.]

Torn between murder and love, Lorna has never been able to escape her past or her ardent desire for revenge, and now they may prevent her from her only chance of living a normal, happy life. [Somehow it's hard to imagine someone who longs for a normal, happy life making nightly kills. It would be easier to buy her sincerity if she'd already cut back to twice-weekly kills.]

[You have two plots, the revenge-seeking and the kill him/marry him conflict. The query doesn't need both. As you're calling this a romance, I'd dump the father/revenge angle. It's barely mentioned anyway, and you need to focus on the main plot.]

I am the author of a medieval fantasy romance series, The Kingdom of Arnhem – Woman of Honor (2009) and Knight of Glory (2010) published with Desert Breeze Publishing. I have also sold six short stories for anthologies, two of which are under the pen name Nicolette Zamora.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,


Notes

First you tell us about her father, then you drop that and move on to the PIA, and then you drop that. Why use an entire paragraph to tell us how she found out she has her shadow power, when you can just tell us she has it? The correct "Guess the Plot" tells us everything that's in the query in three sentences, leaving plenty of room to go into how the Lorna/Alaric romance develops, or what an artificial shadow is.

I assume when you get hired to kill someone you get at least partial payment in advance, so when you decide you'd rather not kill him, wouldn't you have to worry that your client wants his money back? And will immediately hire another assassin to kill your true love? And will also have you killed because you know he's the one behind the assassination?

The PIA sounds like a CIA that handles paranormal stuff, like the FBI branch on The X-Files. I assume they aren't just a gang of small-time thugs. Thus it seems odd to refer to one of their agents as a henchman. It's like referring to an MI-6 goon or a Secret Service gorilla.

Face-Lift 797

Guess the Plot

Reincarnate

1. Melody Manson's superpower sucks. She reincarnates dying people as animals. In a jealous rage she kills all the cooler superheroes, hoping they'll be reincarnated as vermin. When they come back as bunnies, she softens and releases them into the forest. The problem? 1400 angry superbunnies a year later.

2. Jeanne is perfectly happy with her life in New Orleans. But it turns out she's the reincarnation of Joan of Arc. Technically that makes her a saint, but she doesn't feel all that saintly, especially since she's an atheist. And then there's the fact that the guy who had her burned at the stake has also been reincarnated, and wants to do it again.

3. The Elves of Varsooli celebrate the vanquishing of Geg the Destroyer and his race of trolls every winter, but as a dark presence begins burning forests to the West, the High Council begins to believe Geg has been reborn . . . as one of the Varsooli.

4. The old witch died before telling Kerian her reincarnation formula. Now the poor girl has to dig through 749 years' worth of old newspapers, busted furniture, and other junk hoarded over the centuries. Also, a drunk skeleton.

5. Detective Sassy McRedd investigates a rash of mysterious killings in Nochance City. The clues lead her to the meat cases of area grocery stores, where the pork chops, rump roasts, chicken breasts, beef livers, etc. are reassembling themselves into Frankenanimals and wreaking havoc.

6. Ten simple steps you can take to ensure that you come back as something really cool like a dolphin or an otter or a millionaire, not a cockroach or some slob in a third world country where you get nasty diseases from the water. Including seven real-life success stories!



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Heaven hath no fury like a saint reborn—even if that saint is atheist Jeanne Delacey.

Being the reincarnation of Jeanne d’Arc is no picnic. [Agreed. I tossed her out of my body after only three days.] Sure, she now has a divinely empowered bracelet that turns into a sword, and Luca Griffith—tall, dark, and definitely hiding something—to guard her, but she’s going to need, well, a hell of a lot more. Especially since she’s also inherited nightmares of burning to death, a centuries old arch-nemesis, one Pierre Cauchon, who’s been reincarnated as well, and—oh yeah, there’s that pesky business of an impending war between Heaven and Hell.

Soul aside, [Soul aside?] Jeanne doesn’t believe she has what it takes to be a saint. Torn between anger and fear, she falls back on her usual method for dealing with problems: ignoring them. But as demonic attacks grow more frequent, drawing her friends and family into danger, she realizes she’ll have to find the courage to fight. Cauchon sent her to the stake in her past life; he’s more than willing to do it again. [Times have been hard in New Orleans. Burning people at the stake might be just the thing to bring back the tourists.] And this time, the entire world will burn with her.

REINCARNATE is an 82,000 word adult urban fantasy set in modern day New Orleans.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

This isn't bad as is, so take or leave my comments:

It's not necessary to have a one-sentence opening grabber in a query. Which I mention because Jeanne prefers to ignore her problems and when she can no longer do so she has to find the courage to fight. None of which sounds like fury the likes of which heaven has never seen.

If you do drop the first sentence you can work Jeanne's name into the next sentence: ...is no picnic for Jeanne Delacey.

And in the next paragraph you can say Jeanne doesn’t believe she has what it takes to be a saint, not least because she's a devout atheist.

Another approach you might consider is to open: Hell hath no fury like a woman reborn—especially if that woman is Saint Jeanne d'Arc. Then focus the query on the threat from demons of hell and leave the fact that Jeanne prefers to ignore her problems out of the query.


I'm not much bothered by the fact that this is mostly setup, but if you can do so without straining credulity, you might want to mention how Jeanne, with just a magical sword, plans to defeat an enemy capable of destroying the entire world. I assume there's a plan.

Sure, she "now" has a divinely empowered bracelet... suggests that Jeanne has recently become Jeanne d'Arc reincarnated, that she wasn't born that way. So suddenly Saint Joan inhabits her body but Jeanne D. is still in control? Do they both have control? Do they communicate?

Face-Lift 785

Guess the Plot

Born to Die

1. The most cynical retelling of the life of Christ ever.

2. Rock legend Jimmy Owen has led a remarkable life full of money, power and intense drug fueled orgies . But here we look only at his unremarkable birth and untimely death from a bowel obstruction.

3. Sentenced to die in a concentration camp run by magicians, 16-year old Nayla escapes and joins an underground group seeking a plan to defeat the oppressors. When Nayla suggests attacking them with guns, she lifts the spirits of the citizenry and changes the course of history.

4. I want to live/I want to fly/But all I am is/Born to die. The cliched poem left in a pink notebook on the bus intrigues struggling singer Barry. Setting it to music, he soon has a hot record. But can he find the original writer--and will she be who--or what--he hopes?

5. Min Ki, the last mortal, searches for a storied fountain that will grant eternal life and let her live with her tribe of immortals forever. But her plans are complicated when she meets and falls in love with Xie, a young man on a quest to become mortal.

6. Phillip was born with a curse on his head: everyone around him dies horribly. When the government finds out, they stuff him in a uniform and send him overseas to be captured by enemy troops. Hilarity ensues.




Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Nayla Ebriony [Anagram: brainy alien] is a sixteen-year-old Yeeod [Anagram: yodelayheehoo], born without magical powers, and sent to the concentration camps where the powerless are worked to death. [When they were deciding what to call anagrams, shouldn't they have come up with a word that actually had an anagram?] [Is it worth the cost of keeping a girl alive for sixteen years if your plan is to then work her to death?]

Her hair is shaved off and the brand of the powerless Yeeods is burned into her scalp. [Shouldn't they brand her somewhere it'll be visible after her hair grows back? If she somehow manages to escape, the only way to find her is to shave everyone's head.] Determined to save herself from forever losing her identity and sanity, Nayla manages to escape after being drugged, beaten and forced to work in the coal mines. [A sixteen-year-old girl wouldn't last a day in a coal mine. For one thing, there's no cell phone reception down there.] Presumed dead by her captors,

[Concentration camp guard: Lois Smith?
Lois: Here.
Concentration camp guard: Jane Martin?
Jane: Here.
Concentration camp guard: Nayla Ebriony? . . . Nayla Ebriony? . . . Hmm, must be dead. Mary Jones?]

Nayla has a choice: run or turn back and bite the hand that hit her. [Creating a new idiom out of an old one doesn't work. Go with the tried and true: "Settle the score." Or (thank you Thesaurus.com): "Pluck the crow" or "Pickle the rod."]

Choosing the tougher path, Nayla joins the Liberators, an underground society preparing for war against the government. She earns respect in the male dominated rebel clan, when she presents a plan that they believe will topple the magicians' regime. Pitting stolen assault rifles and hand grenades against the power of magic, [A male-dominated army needs a sixteen-year-old girl to suggest using guns and grenades to win a war?] Nayla and the rebels declare war on the place they once called home. [Proper etiquette requires that even an underground rebel group taking on evil slavers actually declare war before engaging in battle.] Nayla knows this might turn into a suicide mission, but as she lifts the spirits and the sympathy of regular magical citizens, even the magicians start to fear the uprising that will change the course of history. [Until they remember that they're magicians and turn everyone except themselves into daisies.]

BORN TO DIE is a fast-paced, 90,000 word YA Urban Fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and your consideration.


Notes

Why don't the magicians just kill the Yeeods and use magic to create coal? Powerful magicians must have something better to do than run concentration camps.

Try reducing everything before Nayla joins the Liberators to two sentences, leaving more room for Nayla's plan and how things go in the war. Something like: Drugged, beaten and forced to work in the coal mines, 16-year old Nayla Ebriony escapes the evil magicians who rule Yaya IV. She joins the Liberators and pickles the rod.