Face-Lift 836

Guess the Plot

Shadowlands

1. Twelve year old Ruul has the ability to blink from his home in the kingdom of Ithmire to the alternate world of the Shadowlands. On one of these blinks, Ruul becomes trapped in the Shadowlands and is dragged into the Shadowland people's struggle to overthrow their evil emperor Kylmere.

2. Kayli has no time for romance; she spends her nights in the shadows of the city, hunting criminals. But when two sexy guys move next door, Kayli thinks her love life is about to take a turn for the better, until the guys inform her that they are actually immortal warriors sent to protect her from a fallen angel who wants to banish her to eternal servitude.

3. When Rebecca Thompson realizes there is another dimension that mirrors earth, where our shadows live and breathe, she enlists the help of her best friend Gregory--a warlock--to transport her there. If Rebecca can steal her mother's shadow, she can use it to get her mother out of a coma. But Greg has other plans for his "best friend."

4. When twin brothers David and Jacob Grant uncover dinosaur bones while building a fence on the family's ranch, they know they're in for adventure. They just aren't expecting the Feds, the media, and those spunky but annoying Davis sisters to be part of the fun.

5. Forensic specialist Kara Hall falls through the shadow of her current autopsy and winds up in the Shadowlands--a parallel plane that mirrors our world. There she must solve the murder or become a shadow herself.

6. Justine has always lived in Death Valley. When she wakes up one day to nothing but darkness, she thinks a storm is coming. Unbeknownst to her though, a thick dark cloud has fallen over Death Valley, bigger than any storm cloud and chock full of electricity that will not just strike like lightning, but bathe the valley in charged light.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Kayli Ryan’s life is in the dumps. She’s the worst witch ever, forced to take her best friend with her when she hunts criminals at night, because she can’t even work one simple spell. [Why is she hunting criminals at night? Is it her job? A hobby? Why would her friend agree to hunt criminals with her?] As an artist, she’d have a better chance paying for groceries by hocking her painting supplies than waiting for a canvas to sell. Abandoned at birth, she has no family, just a cat that doesn’t like her. And if it weren’t for the erotic dreams she’s been having lately, she’d have no love life at all. [This list of stuff about Kayli is too long. And because almost none of it is important enough to be mentioned again, it seems to have no purpose other than to prove that the first sentence is true. We could save a lot of space by just saying: Kayli Ryan’s love life is in the dumps. In fact, if it weren’t for the erotic dreams she’s been having lately, she’d have no love life at all.] [Wait, that doesn't tell us she's a witch, which is important information--or it would be, except it turns out she isn't a witch, which she might have figured out for herself from the fact that she can't even work one simple spell.]

But when two sexy neighbors move in next door, Kayli thinks her luck might be changing. She is immediately drawn to golden-haired Chase Donovan. With the face of an angel and a body meant for sin, he makes her heart race like no man before him. But when noble Chase rejects her advances, Kayli turns to his willing roommate Alexander to fulfill her fantasies and quench the fire in her that is burning hotter every day.

Fearing his friend’s sexual pursuits will turn into coupling—[It sounds like it already has.] or heaven forbid, bonding— Chase tells Kayli the truth, that he and Alex are immortal warriors sent by her father to protect her. In fact, she’s not a witch at all, [Where did she get the idea she was a witch?] but the hybrid daughter of a powerful fallen angel—and she’s been hidden on earth all these years to keep her safe from her family’s enemies who have long since sent her father and mother into the abyss. Chase and Alex believe that one of the original fallen angels has Kayli in his sights, playing a game that could lead to her eternal servitude—or final death.

As if that isn’t bad enough, Kayli’s highest purpose on earth is put to the test when a rapist she’s let slip through her fingers begins to murder his victims to punish Kayli for her interference. [If she was abandoned at birth, how does she know about her purpose on Earth?] She just might be able to stop him from claiming his next victim if she can keep her hands off her neighbors and old enemies off her back.

Shadowlands is a completed 70,000 word erotic urban fantasy.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

The first two paragraphs describe a romantic comedy. Then it morphs into something far more serious, with talk of eternal servitude, final death, a rapist. Then it closes with a combination of the two: She just might be able to stop the rapist who murders his victims if she can keep her hands off her sexy neighbors. I'd like to end the killing spree of this rapist/murderer, but I'm too busy having fallen-angel sex.

If Kayli can't work spells, how does she manage to defeat criminals? Does she have any supernatural powers?

I think you need to tell us what Kayli is, rather than what she isn't, up front.

Sending your daughter to Earth to hide her from your enemies may be noble, but abandoning her at birth is a bit extreme. Couldn't they leave her with a family? Who raised her?

I would reorganize this and leave out some element. Perhaps the rapist is the main conflict and we don't need the original fallen angel who's out to get Kayli. Or the opposite, we can do without the rapist. Focus on the main problem, and the plan to solve it.

Do Chase and Alex provide any evidence that they're immortal warriors and that Kayli is the hybrid daughter of a fallen angel? Because most people probably wouldn't buy this line at face value.

The usual situation in urban fantasy is that a kick-ass heroine with a lot of attitude fights bad guys while dealing with personal problems. Thus I would expect the sexy neighbors to be the personal problems. Instead they're immortal warriors sent to protect the heroine. I'm less inclined to cheer on a heroine who needs this much protection.

Face-Lift 665

Guess the Plot

Office Magic

1. He's the head of the company's IT department. She's the new girl in the office. He'll do anything to get her fired. She accuses him of plotting against her. If these two bitter enemies are going to take their relationship beyond incessant sex it's going to take a little . . . Office Magic.

2. There is blood, gore and mayhem as the tendrils of old black magic engulf a seemingly normal office environment. The unsuspecting coworkers band together in order to rid their cubicles of the evil influence of their dreaded manager, Mephistopheles McDonald, Jr.

3. Selma Baker has kept her position as head secretary at Consolidated Megaplex Holdings, Inc. despite her unpleasant phone manner and poor typing because she's the only one who can get the office copier to work properly. But when friendly and efficient Tassie Jones fills in during Selma's bunion surgery and the copier doesn't jam once, Selma dusts off her cauldron and spellbooks in order to hang on to her job.

4. During her lunch break Tammy the receptionist uses her connection to the firm's XXiQV8 computer to bring cartoon hero Chet Urskin, aka, Captain Laserhead, to life. After a passionate frolic in the supply closet, these miscreants hijack the XXiQV8 and embark on adventures of the fourth kind.

5. Desperate college dropout Lydia Johnson begins a crummy job as the receptionist at a shoebox factory, and is thrilled when hunky shipping lackey Heath Windsor invites her out for cheeseburgers and reveals his true identity as a wizard sent by the Blue Trinity to protect her from evil secretaries, vampires, and unscrupulous dry-cleaners as she prepares for a royal destiny.

6. Unappreciated secretary Krystal Barnett buys a witchy black dress at a thrift shop and finds a tarnished old ring in the pocket. It is, of course, the fabled Ring of Vibrissa. She embarks on a program to take over the company and soon dominates the entire world of hair products. But then Uthgar the Bald, former owner of the ring, finds her.


Original Version

Office Magic is completed at a bit more than 97,000 words. Manuscript and synopsis are available upon request.

The story has elements of the Contemporary, Mystery, and Fantasy genres. The sex scenes between the main two characters are explicit, [I like a query that puts the most important stuff up front. To hell with the plot; is the sex explicit?] [We need to see five or six unabridged examples before we can advise you.] and throughout the manuscript there are excerpts of a sexual nature from a book that the leading lady is reading. That book is also written by me, but [does not necessarily recount my own sexual experiences, and is] not published. [So what you're saying is, the only scenes in this book that don't involve the main characters having sex are sex scenes from your other book?]

Alexandra-Lexi-Adams has just started working for her step-father, Robert Pedelty. On a slow day at work, she discovers an online romance novel, the heroine of which is her spitting image and carries her childhood nickname, Xandra. Intrigued, she starts reading, and becomes enamoured with the leading man, Rex. The problem is, she soon discovers the site on which the novel is posted is only accessible by her work PC. [She tries to go there from her home computer, but keeps getting the same error message: Server not found. It may no longer exist or may be experiencing heavy traffic or may be reachable only from your work PC.]

Edmund, head of the IT department, is the only person appearing less than happy with Lexi working for the company. He wastes no chance to provoke her, and has told her step-father that she doesn't belong in her current position. [Which is what? If she's not in the IT dept., what does he care? And if she is in the IT dept., why doesn't he just tell her what she's doing wrong? Lexi's stepfather isn't going to fire her; he has to live with Lexi's mother.] He suspects she's slacking off and decides to find out what she does in front of her computer screen all day.

His surprise at what takes up her time is overshadowed by the fact that the novel's leading man shares his face and the name he used years ago, before Lexi's step-father saved him from himself. [What does that mean?] Thinking Lexi is enamored [2nd use of the word enamored, and 2nd spelling as well.] with him and has written the novel, he's forced to come to terms with his feelings for her; feelings he's been denying and hiding out of respect for her stepfather. [Hiding your feelings is one thing; he's been trying to get rid of her.]

Finally giving into his attraction to Lexi, he starts baiting her, [This makes it sound like baiting someone is a good thing.] but when she is convinced he's the one who created the site, she stops reading and accuses him of plotting against her at work. In an effort to win her over, Edmund assumes his Rex persona again, but Lexi has been hurt in the past and, even though she gives into him physically, she isn't willing to share more than her body. [You've been plotting against me at work, you bastard; I refuse to have anything to do with you. Except have frequent sex.]

Edmund won’t give up his pursuit of her, while Lexi’s best friend Angi nudges her his way. Angi is a Wiccan who is too shy to perform spells in public. She may have done something in private however, that was meant to show Lexi the way to her One True Love. [Has Angi even met Edmund?]

Thank you in advance for your consideration,


Notes

How is it that Lexi notices that the novel's heroine is her spitting image but doesn't notice that its hero is Edmund's spitting image? Is the novel illustrated, or are the characters just described?

If Angi is responsible for the novel, maybe she should be in the query earlier. I'm sure she appears in the book before the last chapter. Start with Lexi's love life is in the tank when she meets Edmund, the most annoying guy in the world. But her best friend, Wiccan Angi, knows they were meant for each other, so she writes a complete novel in which they have sex all the time and live happily ever after, and puts it online where they'll both see it. Unfortunately, they never read past the part where they have sex all the time.

This is a romance, right? With some witchcraft thrown in? We're more interested in the main genre than in what genres it has elements of. If the sex is ubiquitous you can call it erotica, but there's nothing unusual about a modern romance novel having a few explicit sex scenes. It's pretty much expected. Thus there's no need to open by describing the level of intensity of your sex scenes.

"Stepfather" isn't commonly hyphenated, which you didn't realize until the fourth time you used it.

Face-Lift 311

Guess the Plot

Revenge in Sulamar

1. A motorist in Sri Lanka cut him off, and Sidney exacted his revenge, sideswiping the offending BMW off the road and into a fireball. Now Sid's upset about the roaming charges on his phone, and the customer care center in Sulamar isn't issuing a credit. Sidney's packing his bags . . . and an Uzi.

2. Jivat and Bardi's marriage is off to a rough start, and they're still on their honeymoon. The planet Varda is lovely, but first Bardi flirted with the waitress in Rangapur, and now he's spending more time on the golf course than with his bride. Looking at the next stop on their itinerary, Jivat plots her vengeance.

3. Glamorous superspy/lingerie model Twinkie Tompkins is relaxing on the beach at Sulamar with her sidekick, photographer/stuntman Jack Tornado, when a motorized "seagull" buzzes over, and explodes. Obviously the dastardly computer-hacker fiend "Whirlwind McGee" has launched yet another revenge project. Soon the hotel and all of Sulamar will crash and burn -- unless Jack and Twinkie can find McGee's lair, cut his power, and thwart his evil scheme.

4. The Magess of Krataal has a problem--too many fashions, and not enough fashion models to wear them all at her elaborate balls. But finding humans is difficult--they live only in the forests of Sulamar. By sending a Makaka Marenta Marella to steal some humans, she'll get everything she wants, without having to pay a single bloin to Tremente Jabaal.

5. Tamar has no idea her handsome slave Fazil is actually a Sulamarian spy. When Fazil escapes, he leads a raid on Tamar's city, capturing her and bringing her home to be his slave . . . and concubine. Now Tamar plots her own escape. Or . . . should she remain in Sulamar with the hunky Fazil, who pleasures her like no man ever has?

6. They drink out of their boots, and eat their hats for lunch. Everything is done differently in Sulamar. Especially revenge! The police find two men in an oversized pickle jar, suspended from an electric wire, while their wives live it up in a neighborhood bar.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

REVENGE IN SULAMAR is an erotic fantasy/romance complete at 62,000 words.

Tamar has a perfect life as a beautiful and wealthy aristocrat. She has her own household, an adoring lover and a high position at the royal court in the medieval city of Talgar. Then she ruins everything by buying a slave. [That's remarkably similar to what happened to Evil Editor. I was on the rise in the biggest publishing house in the country, editing the likes of Grisham and King, living the good life, and then this new CEO comes in and decides it doesn't "look good" for her top editor to be involved in the slave trade. Hey, who doesn't have a few skeletons in their closet?] He is Fazil, a captured warrior from the enemy city of Sulamar, a city of barbarians that have raided Talgar for centuries. [If you've been raiding a city for centuries, and they're still holding you off, you're giving all barbarians a bad name.]

Tamar does not much care for barbarians, and though Fazil is handsome, well-behaved and outwardly humble, [I'll take a well-behaved barbarian over a smug aristocrat any day.] she does not treat him well. She humiliates him in front of her lover and when she finds him kissing a maid, she orders him whipped. What Tamar doesn’t know, is that Fazil is a spy. He has allowed himself to be captured in order to find out where the royal treasury keeps its secret store of gold [and also to get it on with the cute maids in Tamar's household]. But after Tamar’s cruel treatment, gold will no longer be enough. He lusts after her and plans to take her as his share of the loot. When he learns where the gold is kept, [If you let a barbarian slave from a place that's been raiding you for centuries discover where your secret store of gold is, you had no business calling it a "secret" store of gold.] he escapes and leads a raid to capture it, taking Tamar with him. In Sulamar, he forces her to submit and makes her his slave concubine. She plots her escape though he gives her more pleasure than any man she has ever known. [Smoother transitions are needed between some of these ideas. Just because the finish line's in sight doesn't mean you should fire yourself out of a cannon.] Then she learns that she is unjustly blamed for the raid in Talgar and sentenced to death as a traitor. And so there is only one thing left -- revenge at any price. [Revenge against those in Talgar who unjustly blame her for the raid? Or against Fazil?]

Thank you for considering REVENGE IN SULAMAR. May I send you sample chapters or the complete manuscript?


Notes

Was that the first ten chapters, or the prologue? Based on the title, I might guess that this was all setup for the real story, which is the revenge plot. If the book is about Tamar's revenge, you could condense all of this into something like, Captured by barbarians raiding her city, the beautiful aristocrat Tamar discovers that she has been blamed for the raid and sentenced to death as a traitor. Then tell us about the main storyline.

A wealthy aristocrat ought to be able to afford servants and gigolos. What does she need with a slave? What are his duties?

Face-Lift 52

Guess the Plot

Closed Legs Don't Get Fed

1. Street hooker Juno Simmons loses weight on Kayne's Workout Plan and doesn't have to mess with RayRay's broke azz anymore.

2. A female demon with a love of big cities and a taste for hip hop feeds on men's souls while engaged in the nasty.

3. A video queen becomes an indentured concubine to Redbone, a roughneck street "financier" with a love of modern art.

4. Razor sharp moves are Daisy Nare's goldmine until rapper Big Baby Z reenters her life and sues her for stealing his trademarked kick-n-split.

5. A woman reincarnated many times, tells of her lives as a boxer's "ho," a royal courtesan, and finally a $1000-a-night call girl.

6. Weaving the stories of five seemingly unrelated women together into a telling commentary on "the oldest profession" and its role in the subversion of the Catholic church.



Original Version

Dear Literary Agent,

Former queen of the "vid-e-ho's" Circe Baptiste has learned three rules of survival: 1.Everybody's working, 2. You ride until the wheels fall off and 3. Closed legs don't get fed. Once the spoiled plaything of hip-hop legends, she is now doing time as an indentured concubine to Redbone. [Something tells Evil Editor he's going to need the Urban Translation Council sitting in his lap to get through this.] [Oddly, the one thing I don't understand so far is how "Everybody's working" is a rule of survival.]

Redbone a roughneck street "financier" with a love of modern art, is serious about his money and hungry for legitimate success. [This is much less interesting now that I realize we're not talking about Leon Redbone.] He takes Circe as payment for a gambling debt, when her lover's dog kidnapping/ransom scheme goes awry. [Okay, let me see if I've got this straight. You have a lover who starts a dognapping business, hoping people will pay millions to get their pooches back. Turns out most of them are happy to be rid of the fleas, hair, vet bills, and urine-stained carpeting. Loverboy tries to recoup his investment in nets and kennels by wagering on the Super Bowl with Redbone, but Redbone wins the bet. Loverboy can't pay off, but to keep from having his legs broken, he offers Redbone his woman (you) as an indentured concubine (translation: ho). And you go along with this?] [Of course you do. A loan shark is a major step up from a dognapper. It's like trading in your '79 Pinto for a '98 Yugo.]

Honor student Nevah Baptiste, fifteen, finds almost every thing and everyone in her life an eye-rolling-teeth-sucking bore. Except for the part where she trades sex for I-Pods and Seven jeans, then ends up missing. [Evil Editor once traded sex for an iPod. Turned out to be filled with Gregorian chants. What a ripoff. Though at least it wasn't alternative rock.] Convinced that her sister's disappearance is a tantrum gone too far, Circe returns home, to comfort her family, escape life with Redbone and put a foot up her little sister's ass.

But when 24-hours become 48,Circe learns a new rule--missing black girls don't make headlines. Forced to navigate a world where under age girls are sold to the highest bidder, [Which is much worse than a world where women are used to pay off gambling debts.] Circe enlists Redbone in the race to find her sister. [Couldn't she enlist Rockford or Mannix or Cannon or Magnum? Instead of this clown?] [How come there aren't any private eye shows on TV anymore? There used to be hundreds.] [Maybe I just answered my own question.] Their treacherous journey will take them from the streets of Chicago, to a sleepy boarder town in Mexico. But is she risking her life to save somebody that doesn't want to be saved?

I am seeking representation for my 90,000 word erotic thriller; CLOSED LEGS DON'T GET FED. [While this title may be an attention grabber, the number of people who are familiar with the expression and who buy books may not thrill most publishers.] A commercial novel with series potential that deals with the subject of middle class teen prostitution, unbalanced media coverage for the missing and a sub plot of a celebrity with a taste for young girls.

If crime fiction and erotic noir had a torrid affair, the love child would be Phoenix Lacy. [Maybe so, but for a moment, the reader has no idea what you're talking about. And once they do, this kind of hype is a turn-off. Chances are the book will be a letdown if it's built up too much. Let the agent determine the identity of your book's illegitimate parents.] Alter ego of __________, writer and peripheral intimate of hip-hop culture. I offer stylized fictional accounts of rumor, innuendo, and facts that I have been privy to or researched over the years. [Shouldn't you be writing a nonfiction tell-all?] [Just between us, which macho rappers are gay? And who's the celebrity with a taste for young girls?]

Thank you for your consideration


Revised Version

Dear Literary Agent,

Honor student Nevah Baptiste, fifteen, finds everything in her life an eye-rolling, teeth-sucking bore--except the part where she trades sex for iPods and Seven jeans. When Nevah goes missing, her big sister Circe, former queen of the "vid-e-ho's," comes home to comfort the family. Convinced that Nevah's disappearance is a tantrum gone too far, Circe intends to put a foot up her little sister's ass.

But when 24-hours become 48, Circe learns that missing black girls don't make headlines. Forced to navigate a world in which underage girls are sold to the highest bidder, Circe enlists her latest man, Redbone, in the race to find her sister. Their treacherous journey will take them from the mean streets of Chicago to a sleepy border town in Mexico. But is Circe risking her life to save someone who doesn't want to be saved?

I am seeking representation for my 90,000 word thriller, Redbone, a commercial novel with series potential that deals with middle class teen prostitution and unbalanced media coverage for the missing. I have an intimate knowledge of hip-hop culture, and have been privy to rumor, innuendo, and facts over the years, thanks to my former position as the spoiled plaything of hip-hop legends.

Thank you for your consideration.


Notes

While sex is obviously going to be part of this book to some extent, I'm not sure how erotic it should be if your goal is to make a statement about unbalanced media coverage, etc.

There are too many typos. Unless you've got the goods on some big names, no one's going to want to edit a book riddled with errors.

While it may be good to prepare an editor for the tone of the book by using that tone in the query, it's probably also a good idea to demonstrate that you can write a professional letter. You will need a business relationship with your publisher, and he/she would like to know if there's a you besides Circe and Phoenix.

Since you plan to make this a series, I suggest that in the next installment, Redbone, flushed with success after locating Nevah, has opened a private eye business that specializes in tracking down stolen dogs.

Face-Lift 30

Guess the Plot

Dressed to Kill

1. Fashion designer and amateur sleuth Helena Harkness tries to stop the impeccably dressed "scissors killer" before she can strike again.

2. Cher, Bjork, and Paris Hilton, all murdered in one day. Coincidence? Or the new fashion-conscious terrorist group, The Blackwell Brigade?

3. Almost everyone assumes it's a classic case of food poisoning, until Inspector Flunky proves the stuffing was laced with arsenic.

4. A nightclub owner's plan to have themed costume parties to attract business seems to be working -- until she realizes the vampire "costumes" aren't actually disguises.

5. Jaqueline D'Amore, the most fashionable agent in the FBI, goes undercover to thwart a plot to design a blouse that will strangle the First Lady.

6. One woman's eternal struggle to find the perfect-fitting thong.



It seemed only fitting that Face-Lift XXX (Roman numerals) be an erotic novel.


Original Version

Dear Mr. Editor,

In my 90,000 word erotic paranormal romance novel, DRESSED TO KILL, entrepreneur Sylvie Durand learns the true meaning of security when she’s forced to rely on two vampires on opposite sides of the law, Burke Langton and Dane Kittera, to keep her alive. [That sounds more like the true meaning of insecurity.]

Sylvie must get her failing nightclub, Carpe Nocturne, operating in the black before the utilities are cut off and her credit cards are eaten by an ATM machine. In an act of desperation, she decides to hold weekly themed costume parties to stir up business. [Desperation comes in many degrees. Some people leap from burning buildings in acts of desperation; some people commit armed robbery; Sylvie throws costume parties.] And it seems to be working until she discovers a dead body in her office and learns the vampire “costumes” aren’t exactly disguises. [Actually, if it got out that there were real vampires in the place, business would probably skyrocket. Even if there weren't real vampires, she should have leaked that there were. She calls herself an entrepreneur?]

Burke is on the run. Wrongfully accused of murder, he’s struggling to keep two steps ahead of the Excoluni--the law enforcement arm of the United Magical Nations--[The United what? Sounds like a theme park, sort of Epcot meets Magic Kingdom.] while tracking down the real killer. Unfortunately after the murderer strikes again, this time at Carpe Nocturne, he learns Sylvie is his Origo--his mate. [Why is it unfortunate that he learns she's his Origo?] He also discovers she could be the murderer’s next victim. Now he must find the killer while protecting Sylvie, and he must battle the potent desire she stirs with a mere glance. [This having been described as an XXX novel, one assumes this battle is a lost cause.]

Dane is a high-ranking officer of the Excoluni. [Admit it, you couldn't think of a good name for the cops, so you opened your medicine cabinet, and took the first two letters from the first four things you saw: Ex-Lax, Contac, Lunesta, and Nicoderm.] [Could have been worse, you could have looked in the refrigerator and come up with asparagus, shallots, oleo and escarole.] [Wait a minute, a high-ranking cop is a vampire? Evil Editor would like to have been at that job interview.

Interviewer: I see from your résumé that you kill people and drink their blood on a regular basis.

Dane: Sure, it sounds bad, when you put it that way.

Interviewer: Not at all. You'll be working the street gangs.]

His mission is simple--bring Burke to justice. However, that’s no easy task [Even if I did just say it was simple.] when they share an Origo. [Seems like women would outnumber vampires by enough so that two vampires could each have their own Origo.] [Oh, I get it, some Origos enjoy being shared. Why, Sylvie! You're full of surprises.] Now he must make the impossible [or at least the really, really difficult] choice between the dark hunger driving him to complete the Binding and his commitment to the law. [It's a guy vampire; I think I know which way he'll go.] [Evil Editor knows women find vampires sexy, but still, it doesn't have the same ring to it when they're lying in bed afterwards, smoking a cigarette, and a guy says to his Origo, "Did you complete the Binding?"]

I am a multi-published author of erotic romance fiction, with over twenty novels and novellas published and/or contracted by Independent Publisher and Big House Publishing. Thank you for your time. A complete manuscript is available upon request. I have enclosed a SASE for your response.


Revised Version

Dear Mr. Editor,

In my 90,000 word erotic paranormal romance novel, DRESSED TO KILL, entrepreneur Sylvie Durand learns the true meaning of danger when she’s forced to rely on two vampires, Burke Langton and Dane Kittera, to keep her alive.

Sylvie must get her failing nightclub, Carpe Nocturne, operating in the black before the utilities are cut off and her credit cards are eaten by an ATM machine. To stir up business, she decides to hold weekly themed costume parties. And it seems to be working--until she discovers a dead body in her office and learns the vampire “costumes” aren’t exactly disguises.

Burke is on the run. Wrongfully accused of murder, he’s keeping one step ahead of the Excoluni--the law enforcement arm of the Alliance of Nations--while tracking down the real killer. When the murderer strikes again, this time at Carpe Nocturne, Burke learns Sylvie is his Origo--his mate. He also discovers she could be the murderer’s next victim. Now he must find the killer while protecting Sylvie--and battling the potent desire she stirs within him.

Dane is a high-ranking officer of the Excoluni. His mission is to bring Burke to justice. But that’s no easy task, for the two share an Origo. Dane must choose between the dark hunger driving him to complete the Binding, and his commitment to the law.

I am a multi-published author of erotic romance fiction, with over twenty novels and novellas published and/or contracted by Independent Publisher and Big House Publishing. Thank you for your time. A complete manuscript is available upon request. I have enclosed a SASE for your response.

Notes

Two vampires with one Origo? Evil Editor imagines there's a lot of drooling onto keyboards going on right now.

If Burke isn't guilty, it may not be correct to claim he and Dane are on opposite sides of the law.

The plot seems local, so it's not clear why it involves an international law enforcement agency. Even if there's some sort of Interpol of Paranormal Crime, it seems every city police department would have a vampire hunter or two on staff. I know mine does.

Face-Lift 3

Guess the Plot

The Amateur's Guide to Killer Sex

1. You heard of the birds and the bees, right? Well, just get a swarm of killer bees, a flock of vultures, and let nature take its course.

2. Five female adult movie director's have been murdered in Tennessee already. Can the Tennessee Serial Killer Unit get the killer before he gets his next victim?

3. College students Bob and Billy decide to create a snuff film, using an unsuspecting coed as the victim. Too bad for them the coed they picked is a vampire.

4. Freed by the death of her repressive mother, 50-something Janice pursues her dream of being a rock and roll groupie and sets her sights on Jerry Lee Lewis. But are they both too long in the tooth for backstage swiving?

5. The Amateur, one of the world's top three most wanted hit-men, begins taunting his investigators with a series of grisly, explicit videotapes.

6. Doofus Worthington thinks he's going out on a blind date. But really, his arch-enemy Tiffany Bland has set him up with Las Vegas' notorious slasher prostitute, Pussy Whipped.


Original Version

Catching a killer has never been so much fun--or so deadly. [After reading the entire letter, I see how it's fun; I see nothing about how it's deadly.]

Paramour Productions adult video director, Kimber Patello has it all, almost--a life in the big city and a job she loves. The only thing missing is red-hot sex with a gorgeous guy. All work and no play make Kimber a dull woman. [A bored woman, maybe; no one wants to read about a dull woman.] That is until Shadow Fallico shows up in the guise of work partner and ends up in her bed instead [Instead of what? He is her work partner, right?].

As a member of The Tennessee Serial Killer Unit, [Lame name. Sounds like a military company composed of hillbilly serial killers. The Dirty Dozen, starring Hannibal Lecter, Jethro Bodine . . .] Shadow Fallico wants nothing more than to nail the guy responsible for the grisly murders of five female adult movie director's. [A serial killer who targets only female adult film directors? The age of specialization has gone too far.][Wait a minute, five female adult movie directors? Six, counting Kimber? In Tennessee?] He's no movie executive, [We know that; he's a member of the TSK Unit. Tsk tsk.] but since his screw up led to the death of the last victim and the perp's escape [Shouldn't this guy have been demoted to school crossing guard by now?], Shadow will do anything to keep Kimber Patello, the next target, alive. [He knows she's the next target? Oh, right, she's the only female adult movie director left in the world.] Even if he must pretend to be an adult moviemaker and drag the sexually repressed [Okay, I bought the scientist turning into a wolverine-in-heat in the last query, but a sexually repressed adult filmmaker? Come on!] creator out from behind her camera and put her in front of it.

When Kimber's boss assigns them a special project filming an amateur's guide to sex, it gives Shadow the break he needs to get closer to his charge. A small budget forces them to use her attic for the steamy scenes [What, her bedroom was too pricey?] and Shadow's more than willing to fill the role of actor if she will be his co-star. [Ah, this explains why she loves her job.] Can Shadow keep his guard up when his mind is filled with hot sex and Kimber, the woman of his dreams? [He'll do anything to keep her alive, even star with her in an adult film? This guy is the ultimate self-sacrificing hero.]

The Amateur's Guide to Killer Sex [Catchy title, but won't readers think the book is a guide? Actually, it might sell like hotcakes if they do.] is a 70,000 word erotic romantic suspense. Currently, I have four novels and three short stories with DiskUs Publishing and Forbidden Publications. In 2001, I received honorable mention in the Writer's Digest Writing Competition [Evil Editor congratulates you, but your real editor won't be as impressed with this one.] and graduated from The Long Ridge Writers Group.

I look forward to hearing from you, and thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Revised Version

Catching a killer has never been so much fun.

Paramour Productions adult video director Kimber Patello has the big city life she wants, and a job she loves. All that's missing is red-hot sex with a gorgeous guy. That is, until Shadow Fallico shows up in the guise of work partner, and ends up in her bed.

A member of The Tennessee Serial Killer Task Force, Shadow wants nothing more than to nail the guy responsible for the grisly murders of five female adult movie directors. His screw-up led to the death of the last victim and the perp's escape; now Shadow vows to keep Kimber, the next target, alive--even if it means dragging her out from behind her camera and putting her in front of it.

When Kimber's boss assigns them a special project filming an amateur's guide to sex, it gives Shadow the break he needs to stay close to his charge. A small budget forces them to use her home for the steamy scenes and Shadow is more than willing to fill the role of actor if she will be his co-star. But can Shadow keep his guard up when his mind is on Kimber, the woman of his dreams?

Not For Amateurs is a 70,000-word erotic romantic suspense. May I send you the complete manuscript? Currently, I have four novels and three short stories with DiskUs Publishing and Forbidden Publications. I am a graduate of The Long Ridge Writers Group.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Another possible title: Who Is Killing the Great Female Porno Film Directors of Tennessee?

It's not clear why Kimber is safer from a serial killer if she's in front of the camera rather than behind it. It's not clear why the cop can't simply tell Kimber she's the next target, rather than posing as a colleague. It's not clear why Paramour Productions, one of the biggest names in adult films (they manage to pay Kimber's salary, anyway), has stooped to producing a film whose budget is so low the director has to perform in the film in her own attic. The answers to these questions are in the book, no doubt, but an editor may feel there are just too many holes here. And Evil Editor is in no position to fill in those holes.

The appeal of a romance to a reader, I would think, lies in putting herself in the place of the heroine as she deals with the romantic conflict. Sorry to sound Evil, but resolving the heroine's conflict of sexual repression by having her get laid in the attic while someone films her for a nationally distributed xxx video that will no doubt be all over the Internet in about three hours may thrill only a limited number of readers. Now, if Kimber were a sexually repressed cop in California, and all the male porn stars at Paramour were being killed, so she took a secretarial position at the company to investigate on the sly, got the hots for porn star Rod Driver, and on the very day the killer was planning to go after Rod, his co-star didn't show up, and he coyly suggested that Kimber step in, we might have something. Now were talking about a believable plot.

Face-Lift 2

Guess the Plot

Mark of the Beast

1. Hermione Flapsaddle dotes on her darling little poodle, Kippy Yippy, until the day she leaves the creature in her apartment too long. Nothing can prepare her for what she finds on the carpet.

2. Senator Blake Johansen suspects his son may be the Antichrist, so he shaves the boy's head to check for the mark of the beast. To his relief, all he sees on the naked scalp is the number 999.

3. After six nannies die gruesome deaths while potty training her toddler, Mrs. Martin begins to suspect the man she had an affair with three years ago was not a real milkman.

4. Alone in her rented vacation cabin, Abby realizes that something is trying to claw its way inside. Could it be a bear? Or is it, as she hopes, the hunky research scientist from up the road, nude and horny?

5. A mix-up at the hospital has the Antichrist being raised by the Pope's housekeeper. A wacky battle of wills ensues.

6. Marcus Sheldinger reluctantly goes to work on a cattle ranch, and learns important lessons from the cowboys about life, love and branding irons.

Original Version

Marketing assistant Abby Clumm isn’t the kind of girl who travels to remote cabins in Alaska alone. [Makes it sound like traveling alone to Alaska is slut-like--she's not that kind of girl.] But with the expectation that her friend [name him or her] will be arriving shortly, she flies solo and makes the journey to their rented cabin. Unfortunately, things don’t go as she plans [How so?]--no real surprise there, when do they?--and her first night she finds herself alone in the boonies. Worse yet, a shotgun she doesn’t know how to use and a failing wooden door are the only things standing between her little city-girl self [yuck] and some kind of enormous, hungry animal. Thanks to her foolishness, she’s now caught in a battle for survival. [not clear what she did that was foolish, unless it was failing to anticipate that Tarik Evert would morph into an unstoppable (but no doubt wildly attractive) predator.]

Research scientist Tarik Evert has no idea what’s wrong. He’s suddenly driven by a need so overwhelming, so urgent it’s painful. He wants to mate. No, he needs to mate. [Sounds like he has an excellent idea what's wrong--he's been in Alaska too long.] The scent of a woman nearby beckons him, sends him staggering outside into the cold. And then somehow he’s at her door, freezing and nude, [Nude? This guy is going to make one lousy first impression.] not sure what just happened [Here's what just happened: he decided to pay a social call on Miss Abby, but forgot to put on some clothes.]...or what is about to happen if she lets him inside.

He only knows one thing--the hunger that brought him to her in the first place. [May as well tack this onto the previous paragraph.]

MARK OF THE BEAST is a 40,000 word paranormal erotic romance novella, written to target erotica and/or erotic romance publishers. [No need to spell out the target publisher; you're sending the query to the target publisher.] I am a multi-published author of erotic and paranormal romance fiction. My published books have received excellent reviews, including Top Pick from Romantic Times. [Editors might want to know your publishers and titles.]

Thank you for your time. I look forward to your response and can provide additional material upon request. I can be reached via e-mail at email@sbcglobal.net or phone at 555-220-1234. [Unlikely an editor will be phoning you to respond to a query.]

Sincerely,


Revised Version

Marketing assistant Abby Clumm doesn't relish flying alone to a remote area of Alaska, but at least she knows that her friend Maxine will be joining her. Unfortunately, Maxine doesn't show, and Abby finds herself alone in their rented cabin, out in the boonies. What's worse, only a shotgun she doesn’t know how to use and a rickety wooden door stand between her and . . . whatever is trying to claw its way inside.

Research scientist Tarik Evert has no idea what’s happening to him. Driven by a need so overwhelming, so urgent it’s painful, he staggers outside into the cold, drawn by the scent of a woman. And then he’s at her door, not sure how he got there . . . or what will happen if he gets inside. He knows only one thing--the hunger that has brought him there.

MARK OF THE BEAST is a 40,000 word paranormal erotic romance novella. I am a multi-published author of romance fiction. My published books include Maureen and the Mongoose (Torchlight, 2002), which received a Top Pick review from Romantic Times.

I would be happy to submit the manuscript upon request. A stamped envelope is enclosed for your reply, or I may be reached via e-mail at ______________.

Sincerely,


Notes

It's a little short. Perhaps some background about why Abby's going to remote Alaska, what Evert's researching? Also, it sounds more like a horror story than a romance. If your target is romance publishers, maybe something hinting at the romance would be useful. Something like:

Abby Clumm, stranded in remote Alaska, is so horny she'd be happy if the toothless, grizzled old lumberjack in the next cabin dropped by. Hell, she'd settle for a nude, deranged, sex-starved man-beast. Little does she know, she's about to get her wish, and I don't mean Gummy.

Okay, not quite like that.