Face-Lift 1030

Guess the Plot

Headless at the House of Tiki

1. Three days before the annual Elks Banquet at the House of Tiki, the head waiter disappears. Can the remaining crew serve the Elks adequately without embarrassing their employer?

2. Private eye Malachi Woombat investigates a series of beheadings at the House of Tiki, a voodoo-themed coffee shop in the French Quarter of Depression-era New Orleans.

3. Tiki Bob just wants to chill out and carve his tikis, but when his ex-girlfriend's headless body turns up in his locked backyard he becomes prime suspect numero uno. Do they even let you have chisels in prison?

4. Homicide detective Lars Sekkin gets called into an abandoned Trader Vic's restaurant to investigate a headless corpse surrounded by tiki statues.

5. Lowly clerk John Bash decides to transform his place of employment, the House of Tiki, from a crap furniture store to a major chain with his new invention, a methane-sucking Energy Chair that burns farts to power a lamp.

6. Yasmin sees Barry for the first time while she's a waitress at a theme restaurant; the second time, as a theme stripper. They hit it off. But how will Barry take it when she tells him that the big tiki mask she wears is her actual head?


Original Version

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for HEADLESS AT THE HOUSE OF TIKI, an 86,000 word whodunit mystery novel.

Bob MacMillan - dubbed Tiki Bob by his friends, clients, and admirers - has a problem. The body of his ex-girlfriend has turned up under a massive pile of sawdust in his locked backyard, and the local police have given him a new nickname - Prime Suspect Number One. [We don't need to know the backyard was locked. It only leads us to wonder how you can lock a yard. Yes, I'm familiar with fences and walls, but if orcs were smart enough to bring ladders to Helm's Deep . . . ]

Cat O'Donnell, total surfer chick and possessor of a third degree black belt in kung-fu, investigates insurance fraud, not murder. When Bob's teen-age daughter pleads for Cat's help in protecting her father from what the girl believes may be a lengthy prison sentence unless the real killer is unmasked, Cat can't resist the plea. She's been in a bit of a rut lately and welcomes the chance for a change. [I know nothing gets me out of a rut like inserting myself into a murder investigation.] So, the fraud investigator delves into the Pacific Groves' tiki culture where she encounters the tattooed, cocktail-sipping, burlesque-loving crowd of her Southern California beach town.

But Cat's not sure if she's up to the task. She's quite adept at exposing supposed car accident victims attempting to bilk insurance companies of large money payouts for fake injuries. It's quite another matter to find a murderer who's doing his or her best not to be found. [This paragraph can go; I already inferred everything in it.]

Tha [The] main suspects are colorful: a contestant for the local Tiki Queen title who owns a mobile dog grooming service; a perpetually stoned surfer with a history of anger issues; a fantasy/erotica author posing as a textbook writer; his drunken ex-softball-champion wife; and the victim's sommelier boyfriend who denies any romantic relationship with the now headless girl. [I'm more interested in why these people are suspects than in these tidbits you're providing about them. For instance I'd prefer: A contestant for the local Tiki Queen title who may have wanted to eliminate her top competition; a married erotica author with whom the victim was having a torrid affair; the author's wife, of course; and the victim's sommelier boyfriend, whom she'd threatened to expose as a Thunderbird junkie.] Not to mention Bob himself, who doesn't seem to understand his own precarious position. He just want to be left alone to carve some bitchin' tikis.

Cat also contends with an old friend who wants to be more, a good detective with a bad attitude, and a district attorney who's determined to add another conviction to his record, with or without all the facts on his side.

What's a girl have to do to keep a good man out of prison? In this case, it may come down to an old-fashioned ass-kicking, and, if Cat has anything to say about it, she'll be on the foot end of the spanking. [Not clear whose ass Cat plans to kick or spank or why she thinks it'll come down to an ass-kicking or a spanking. Usually these things come down to figuring out whodunnit, not spanking a confession out of someone.]

Thank you for your time and consideration,


Notes

If this is a one and done project, okay, but if Cat is going to appear in future books, assuming this one sells, you might want to open the query with Cat rather than Bob. Something like:  

Surfer chick Cat O'Donnell investigates insurance fraud in Pacific Groves, a Southern California beach town. But when a teenage girl pleads for Cat's help solving a murder in which the girl's father, Robert "Tiki Bob" MacMillan, is the chief suspect, Cat can't resist. She's been in a bit of a rut lately and could use a change. 

If Cat knows Tiki Bob or the daughter, their relationship could be mentioned there as well. If she doesn't know either of them, why is the daughter going to Cat for help?

I know "headless" is in the title, but maybe the victim's "headless body" should turn up under the sawdust. Otherwise we don't know if anyone is literally headless until the query is almost over and you say, Oh, did I mention the victim had no head?

If you use something like the above opening, you could continue:

The murder victim, who was Tiki Bob's ex-girlfriend, turned up under a massive pile of sawdust in Bob's backyard. Missing her head. Now Cat's on the prowl for anyone else who had a motive for the murder. And there's no shortage.

That pretty much eliminates the need for your opening paragraph about Bob, and leads into your suspect list. Possibly that's enough condensing and deleting so that this is now standard query length.

The drunken ex-softball-champion wife did it, but don't worry, most agents won't have my deductive skills.

Face-Lift 1018

Guess the Plot

Shadows in the Forest

1. Hiking in the forest, Ami finds a box of trinkets. Could each of them be a trophy from some serial killer's thirty-year murder spree? She thinks so. But can she avoid becoming the killer's next victim?

2. TV talking heads say people can’t see the forest for the trees. Nick figures it’s because the canopy creates shadows. So he strings lights in the forest to eliminate them. It irritates nocturnal creatures so much they kill hundreds of people.

3. Attempting to determine whether a tree falling in the forest with no one around makes a sound, philosopher August Pendragon sets up microphones and cameras and waits for a tree to fall. She never actually catches a falling tree on film, but does discover that trees in the forest have no shadows when no one's around.

4. When the body of former Disney kiddie star - turned - singer Amber Wallenski turns up in the trunk of a rental car, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: She didn't get that poison oak rash in a recording studio, and maybe he really needs to talk his youngest daughter out of a Disney singing career.

5. In the great coast redwood forests lives a secret: a society of faeries, who have the chameleon-like ability to blend with their surroundings. When 13-year-old Kai catches DaNaShi in a bird feeder, will their world be exploited--or will he have the best Science Fair exhibit ever?

6. Midnight. Judy the Psychic gets contacted by two kids lost in a forest, being followed by something that makes a big shadow and growls and noisily gnashes its teeth. Maybe a bear. All her kindly henchmen are asleep so Judy sends an evil elf to the rescue.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

With a typhoon raging overhead and a killer somewhere nearby, bound and beaten Ami Sato's certain of only one thing: she must survive.

To recuperate [Whoa. Is she still bound? Is the killer still nearby? What about the typhoon? Doesn't she have to escape from her hopeless predicament before she starts recuperating?] and get her head straight, Ami decides to spend the spring renting a remote cabin in Japan's countryside. [It's a decision she'll be acting on as soon as she manages to untie these ropes.] Here, she forces herself to confront [she confronts] the mistakes she's made in her life. [For instance, wandering alone in the Forest of Typhoons and Serial Killers.] While hiking in the woods, she finds a hidden antique, wooden box of trinkets. One item, a pendant with a name inscribed on the back, catches her eye.

With that pendant and the help of a friend, [How remote can this cabin be if she has a friend nearby?] Ami discovers a [an] unsettling pattern of murders in the area spanning thirty years, souls trapped between life and death, and just how strong her will to live really is. She must overcome her own inner weaknesses before she becomes the killer's next victim. [Is this the same killer she was bound and beaten by? Maybe after she escaped from the killer the first time she should have rented a remote cabin on one of Japan's other islands instead of in the same forest he's been killing people in for thirty years. Just saying.] [What are these inner weaknesses she has to overcome to avoid getting killed? Explain why she can't flee to Tokyo instead of overcoming her inner weaknesses.] At first, all she wants is [wanted was] to get her head straight. Now all she wants - is to keep it. [That's the second time you've used the phrase "get her head straight."]

SHADOWS IN THE FOREST is a 78,000 word mystery with paranormal elements. Per your submission guidelines, I have included [***]


Notes

If this is paranormal, more about that aspect would be helpful. I assume the souls trapped between life and death belong to the killer's victims? Although a killer's victims are usually completely dead. Are they zombies?

I'm not clear on the timeline. We open with Ami bound and beaten by a killer. Then she moves to a remote cabin to recuperate, but she's still worried about the same guy killing her? Is the killer human?

Maybe we should start with Ami moving to a remote cabin to meditate on the mistakes she's made in her life, one or two of which you might specify. Then she finds the box, at which point you might specify how this reveals thirty years of murders and souls trapped between life and death. Then the killer captures her (for the first or second time), or she foils him/her/it.

In other words, tell us a story. Right now all we have is a list of events. She moves to a cabin, finds a pendant, discovers a pattern of murders, survives by overcoming her weaknesses. We need elaboration on this stuff. Specific details, cause and effect, ideas building on each other.

Face-Lift 1010

Guess the Plot

The Hot Season

1. When a slight shift in the Earth's axis leaves the UK closer to the sun, the race is on for a new SPF formula. Can British scientist Tony Edwards save his countrymen or is this the end of paleness as we know it?

2. Every season is the hot season in Thailand. Especially when your visiting cousin is found dead and the police don't care and you get involved with a ring of human traffickers in Cambodia. Hey, every season is the hot season in Cambodia.

3. Marine Biologist Sam Whittaker has had enough of single living. He joins Brazilhotties.com and flies Bruna over, but her Latin temper threatens the ice cap when she learns Antarctica is not America.

4. For Alaska native Will Parker, the worst thing about returning to Earth from the International Space Station is that it's August and he now lives in Houston, which is one step up from the Sahara Desert. So you can imagine how he feels when a booster rocket malfunctions, throwing the shuttle way off course and forcing Parker to crash-land on Mercury.

5. After growing up in Antarctica with her scientist parents, Alberta-Marie is ready for warmer weather. A move to tropical Ecuador means she will finally buy a swim suit. But in the hottest summer in 20 years surrounded by even hotter men, which heat will she succumb to first?

6. CeeBee knew the job at Disneyland was going to be tough. Screaming kids, crying parents, meltdowns, high humidity, and pure misery at the Happiest Place on Earth. She just didn't expect to find them all at the toll booth for the parking lot. Now it's August, and if she hears one more whining kid, that .38 is coming out.



Original Version

Dear ….,

I'm writing to ask if you would accept a submission for The Hot Season, a mystery novel of 83,000 words. It's the story of an American journalist in Thailand who confronts ancient superstitions and modern day crime, as she searches for the truth behind her cousin’s death.

I’m currently based in Bangkok, and before devoting myself to writing I spent over fifteen years as a journalist with organizations such as NPR and the BBC. I’m also a published author in Australia. My first book, XXX (XX, 20XX), [For those who've forgotten their Roman numerals, allow me to translate: 30 (20, 2020).] is a narrative non-fiction account of my experiences living in Baghdad under Saddam Hussein. It was shortlisted for the XXX Literary Awards.

[I Googled XXX Awards and it took me six hours to pry myself away and back to this blog. Fascinating stuff.]

In The Hot Season, Sam Beckman, [Hang on a minute, switching my mouse to my left hand as my right is inexplicably inflamed.] [Okay, ready.] a foreign correspondent for a US radio network, is visited by a teenage cousin who’s backpacking through Thailand. She’s delighted [Readers may assume "she" is the cousin, as the cousin is the most recently mentioned character.] at the chance to mend some of her frayed family ties, but within days her cousin is found dead on the banks of Bangkok’s Chao Phraya River.

Worried about damage to the lucrative tourism industry, Thai police write the death off as a drug overdose. [Tourism isn't aided by the knowledge that the corpses of drug ODs are occasionally found on the river bank. Unless you're trying to attract drug addict tourists, wouldn't it be better to write it off as a boating accident?] When Sam suspects foul play, she’s warned to stop meddling. But keeping quiet and playing dumb are not in her nature. [Playing dumb is generally considered a smart strategy.] She’s quickly drawn into a web of human trafficking stretching from Bangkok’s urban jungle to the killing fields of Cambodia and beyond. [The more successful human traffickers wouldn't kill one of their humans the same day they abduct her.]

Sam’s search is helped and hindered by three men – a Thai policeman trying to balance loyalty to the force with his desire to find the truth, a charming but roguish British journalist addicted to life in the fast lane, and Sugar, her driver, who, like most Thais, sees a supernatural explanation behind everything. [Thai food will give anyone hallucinations. Travel tip: Don't order Neua Pad Prik in Phuket.]

A good dose of humor and a sassy heroine counterbalance the serious issues in The Hot Season. I hope this novel will be the first in a series of mysteries set in locations where I’ve lived and worked including Iraq, Sri Lanka, Australia and New York.

If you would like to read more of my work or have any other questions, please email me at XXXXXXX. You can also call me in Thailand on XXXXXX [(Monday)]. [On XXXXXXX I'll be in Somalia. Then XXXXXXXXX I'm off to North Korea for a well-deserved vacation.] I look forward very much to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,


Notes

This might be better described as a thriller. I usually expect a mystery to have several suspects. As the cousin didn't know anyone, Sam is basically trying to get to the bottom of what happened, not whodunnit.

The plot summary is three paragraphs. The other stuff is four paragraphs. Cut those four down to two. One way to do this is to open with:

The Hot Season is a stand-alone mystery novel of 83,000 words, and the first in a series of mysteries set in locations where I’ve lived and worked, including Iraq, Sri Lanka, Australia and New York.

Then: Sam Beckman, a foreign correspondent for a US radio network . . . Run through the plot, and finish with:

I've spent over fifteen years as a journalist with organizations such as NPR and the BBC. My first book, ______________, a narrative non-fiction account of my experiences living in Baghdad under Saddam Hussein, was shortlisted for the XXX Literary Awards. If you would like to consider The Hot Season, please email me at XXXXXXX.

Face-Lift 999

Guess the Plot

Judas Pistol

1. In a nation that seems to believe, irrationally, that guns somehow prevent violence, the Judas Pistol, a trick gun that shoots the person firing it, may be the only way to restore sanity.

2. I work 1st century; I’m a time cop. Centurions say Iscariot hanged himself--talk about your cold cases--but the discovery of a stash with thirty pieces of tarnished silver and six corroded cartridges tells me Judas was the victim of a ride-by camelback shooting.

3. Les and his assistant Gunz help historical societies with the investigation of old battle sites. Of course, investigating whether Judas was pistol whipped during the Roman-Persian wars isn't the greatest gig, so when some elderly lawmen ask the guys to investigate a more recent gunfight, they jump at the chance.

4. When a wealthy gun collector is found stabbed to death in the middle of his looted vault, Detective Zack Martinez knows two things: he's looking for a killer with a finely honed sense of irony, and there's no way in hell he's going to fire something called a "Judas Pistol."

5. When Carrie's vegetarian meet and greet is crashed by cannibals, she calls on her brother's garage band to help--only to find they've been abducted by a cult of treacherous time-traveling aliens. Also, a gun metaphor.

6. Archeologist Gary Davis is approached by a strange woman in Jerusalem, and soon learns her secret. She has a box, with a gun in it--the gun used to kill Jesus. Now the Vatican is after him, and he may need that gun.




Original Version
 
Dear agent,

JUDAS PISTOL is an 81,000-word amateur sleuth mystery set in the gun culture of 2001 Montana.

Les Huntsman returns from the Gulf War totally deaf, unable to continue teaching history. [Why would a history teacher need to be able to hear? Everyone in his class is asleep.] Instead, he competes in handgun tournaments to augment private investigations of old battle sites for historical societies and other clients--such as a committee of elderly lawmen, who provide helpers and point Les to a more recent gunfight investigation being mishandled by local police.

[Lawman 1: This investigation is being mishandled. We should step in.

Lawman 2: Us? But we're not as young as we used to be.

Lawman 3: True. Hey, that deaf guy in the handgun tournament looks pretty young.]


D’arcy is another former teacher with challenges. In a wheelchair, she runs a private communication service, including interpretation for the deaf. [I see where this is going. A team of superheroes. The deaf guy will call himself Vangoh. The woman is known as The Paraplegic.]

On loan to the pair is Gunz, a rookie deputy considered slow [Instead of Gunz, we'll call him Moose, an homage to the slow guy in Archie comics. Make that The Moose. We don't want to get sued.] and mostly a go-for at the sheriff’s office. The trio quickly clears two law-enforcement suspects who were also victims of the shooting, and the search for the real killer or killers begins amid multiple murders. [Brilliant. Before they begin searching for the real killers they clear the killers' victims? This team isn't going anywhere unless they can recruit Daredevil to be their leader.] [I wonder who decides which superhero is the leader. In the Fantastic Four, the leader is the guy who can stretch. I mean, come on! Stretching is his power? In the X-Men the leader is the guy in the wheelchair. Apparently the most pitiful superhero has to be the leader because no one else wants the job. That probably means the leader of the Justice League would be Aquaman or Green Arrow. But no! Someone asked that question on Yahoo Answers and the response chosen as best answer was: "as far as i know, superman is the leader of them because when you look at their pictures with the justice league, superman is always at the front with batman and wonderwoman in his sides...."] 

[Is there anything the Justice League can do that Superman couldn't do all by himself?

Superman: I'll take out that division of tanks and super robots; Green Arrow, you shoot that little guy on the left.

Aquaman: What about me?

Superman: You prepare the after-battle seafood buffet.]

Roots of the crime spree are exposed as dirty city officials and killers-for-hire to protect a small-town bank’s money-laundering scheme. [Not the clearest of sentences.] The killers harbor agendas of their own, [What are their agendas?] leading a chase along northern Montana’s border and central mountains. [Topic for discussion: Who is considered to be leading a chase: the one being chased or the chaser who's closest to the one being chased or the leader of the team doing the chasing?]

I’m a former English teacher with a bachelor of science from Eastern Montana College and a master and doctorate of arts from Idaho State University. I served in the U.S. Army, Montana National Guard, and National Rifle Association over fifty years as a firearms instructor. [In short, this is autobiographical, except that I taught English instead of history and I don't really have super powers.]

JUDAS PISTOL is my first novel, manuscript immediately available via e-mail or U.S. Postal Service mail at your request.

Sincerely,


Notes

Separately, a deaf guy, a stupid guy and a woman in a wheelchair can accomplish great things. Put them all together and they have as much chance of solving this case as the Keystone Cops.

For starters, it would be hard to choose a leader, as all of them have the required unimpressive powers:

Gunz: I shud be the leader cause she's in a wheelchair and yer deaf.

Les: What?


What happened to Vangoh, The Moose, and The Paraplegic? They disappeared from the query. Are they the ones chasing the killers across Montana? I'd try focusing the whole thing on Les. The others don't do anything in the query.

Some clarity about what's going on would help. You mention a gunfight in which apparently two people were killed, additional multiple murders, a money laundering bank, a crime spree, killers for hire... and it's up to the deaf guy, paraplegic and gofer to deal with all that?

Face-Lift 865

Guess the Plot

Hit or Missus

1. When agent Zack Martinez gets an offer to go over to the dark side and work as a contract killer for the Zamboni crime family, he has to think long and hard.

2. A college baseball rivalry heats up when a married couple on the brink of divorce (and with a trustfund on the line) are hired as coaches for the two teams.

3. The members of one-hit-wonder rap group Hit or Missus are out of rehab, converted to born-again Christianity, and recording a gospel CD. But is their transformation genuine or a publicity stunt for reality TV?

4. Hollywood director Cece's rom-coms have been successful, but not the megahits the studio execs want. Enter handsome Jack Miller, the actor she has to have for her new movie. When she meets him at the set he rocks her world. Can she get the hit she desperately needs . . . and Jack?

5. Private investigator Peri and her detective boyfriend Skip discover that the cases they're working are about to collide head-on. And the fact that a young female officer is after Skip isn't helping. Also, a guy who's obsessed with Dean Martin.

6. Baseball star Milo Strong has been in a slump ever since he got engaged to rock star Keri James. The team won't make the playoffs if Milo doesn't turn it around, and his teammates are only too happy to let him know Keri must go. What a pickle to be in.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor; [Percentage of agents/editors who would notice that you used a semicolon instead of a comma or colon after the salutation: 36. Percentage of that 36% who would use that as an excuse to read no further: 25.]

Private investigator Peri Minneopa [Anagram: Minneapolis pimp] thinks she's taking a typical case: a rich businessman suspects his wife of cheating. Snapping pictures and collecting hotel receipts should be easy money. So color her surprised when her life is being threatened, possibly by the cheating wife herself, along with her gang of wealthy BFFs. [While it's possible to have a gang of FFs, I'm thinking only one of them can be your BFF.] [I'm not sure there's such a strong connection between a job being easy money and not being dangerous that I would color Peri surprised. I mean, if I handed you a gun and said I'd give you a million dollars to kill a complete stranger, that's easy money, but if you did it, you wouldn't be surprised to get arrested.] ["Possibly by the cheating wife" leads us to wonder if the threat might be totally unrelated to this case. Is the threat "Stay away from Mrs. Businessman or else," or is it "Prepare to die, private eye."?]

Her boyfriend, Skip, is worried, but as a detective in the Placentia Police Department, [Look, I know there's a real place called Placentia, but if you use Placentia in a novel people will think you made it up and go Ewwww. No doubt Placentia gets its share of ribbing, what with that extra "i" being almost invisible. In fact, it is invisible here. And that site has even higher search engine ratings than the placenta recipe sites.] he has his own case to handle. Peri's elderly neighbor died of a heart attack, which wouldn't be unusual if her husband hadn't died of the same thing two weeks earlier. Skip doesn't believe in coincidences, and his suspicions prove correct. [Actually, there's evidence to support that spouses dying close together is more than a coincidence.]

Peri's cheating wife case soon collides with his murder case, and Peri finds it hard to keep her nose out of everything. The deeper she investigates, the more dangers she encounters. She's willing to ignore the threats on her life to get to the truth, until the bodies start piling up…

Skip's concern for her safety has led to constant fighting, leaving Peri feeling insecure about their relationship. Her self-doubts couldn't have come at a worse time, as a younger female officer in the department is pursuing him. [I can see adding this paragraph if the book is a romance. This being a mystery, I'd rather have a hint at how these cases are colliding.]

And in the middle of completing her case, defending herself against a vengeful wife, and protecting her relationship turf, her former client Benny Needles comes to her for help. The needy little man who's obsessed with Dean Martin needs a job. [Benny Needles needs a job is the big finish? Get Benny outta here.]

Peri must decide what's worth keeping, her boyfriend, her career, or her sanity. Can't she have it all, with a dirty martini on the side?

Hit or Missus, a mystery, is complete at 75,000 words.

Thanks,


Notes

In order to make this sound like a mystery you might want to fill us in on whose bodies are piling up and how they are connected to the cheating wife case. If the mystery is Who's the murderer, we might want to know that there are several suspects. Right now I think there's too much mystery in the query.

I feel like it should be Peri who suspects the neighbors were murdered. She's your main character; don't you want her to be responsible for spotting the crucial clue that causes her case to collide with the deaths?

Face-Lift 862

Guess the Plot

Sins of the Past

1. If having Vlad Tepes as a distant ancestor is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

2. An overzealous pastor stumbles across a time machine and sets out to convert every accursed heathen through history.

3. When a retired teacher of special needs students is murdered, police immediately suspect her former students were seeking revenge for all the past times she made them confess to being naughty, even when they weren't.

4. When the director of the Natural History Museum turns up half submerged in the La Brea Tar Pits, homicide Detective Zack Martinez knows two things: anthropology is a dirty business, and he'd better pick up a stuffed woolly mammoth from the gift shop for the kids.

5. In 2045 the Earth’s climate is wildly unpredictable because of decades of CO2 emissions. Ussiah, a Mennonite priest, can forecast the weather with meticulous accuracy. When a massive hurricane heads toward the US coast, the government asks Ussiah to predict its path, but he refuses to cooperate unless the country repents.

6. During a psychic reading, fashionista Tiffany learns the reason she can’t get a date; she was a heartless supermodel in her past life. To satisfy karma, Tiffany must transform Melvin, the nerdiest boy in high school, into a hunk. But can she do it before prom?

7. Devout youth turn to Father Kevin for confession. He understands their world and knows exactly what penance to prescribe for cyber-bullying or pirate downloads. But he's stymied when a mysterious stranger shows up to confess ox-coveting, regicide, obscene semaphores, and other . . . sins of the past.

8. Millie's mother was hung as a witch. Her aunt has been sheltering her ever since, trying to keep her from the prying eyes of the local law. But Millie can't stop playing with bones, cats and candles. Is she just a curious girl, or is she really her mother's daughter?

9. Jeb congratulates himself on getting away with murder – literally. But when the corpses of his victims rise up and threaten humanity’s future, Jeb must find a way to atone for his . . . Sins of the Past.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Teachers are being killed; brutally, systematically. Each murder more horrifying than the last. [I blame video games, rap music and the Internet.]

Detective Harry MacCormick hated working Saturday nights. [I see we've switched from present tense to past already.] All the garbage happened on Saturday nights, from teenagers wrapping their cars around trees, to alcohol fueled couple disputes; at least a dead body wouldn't hurl drunken slurs at him. [That last phrase would make sense if it came after Harry was called to a murder scene.] When he is called to investigate a retired teacher's murder, he hopes to clear the matter up quickly and get back to his loved ones, chips and beer. [Change that last comma to a colon so it's clear that he has no actual loved ones, or at least none he wants to get back to.] But Harry soon discovers that this is only the beginning. [To me, this implies that he's unable to get back to his chips and beer because of additional murders. I doubt the additional murders occur that soon.] [I recommend dumping the first paragraph and the first two sentences of the second. Open with the phone call, and it might go like this:

When he is called to investigate a retired teacher's murder, Detective Harry MacCormick hopes to clear the matter up quickly and get back to his loved ones: chips and beer. But Harry soon discovers that this is only the beginning, as over the next eight hours three more retired teachers are brutally slain, one with safety scissors thrust into her eye, one with colored pencils shoved up her nostrils, another battered to death with a Garfield lunchbox. The media dubs it all the work of the Kindergarten Killer, the Moppet Murderer, the Elementary School Executioner.]

Who has motive for such crimes? Is it one of the former students of the first murdered teacher, who Harry soon discovers were being forced to confess by the teachers and principal to incidents that they didn't do? [People don't "do" incidents.] [I want an example of whatever these children were forced to confess. Timmy, either you confess that you spilled my coffee, or I call in Borgo the Disemboweler.] Or perhaps the janitor, with his checkered past of involvement in sexual abuse scandals? [I told you we should have hired kindly old Mr. Goodfellow as school janitor instead of the guy with past involvement in sexual abuse scandals.] [How many sexual abuse scandals do you get before your past is no longer labeled "checkered"? This guy sounds more like he has a Sorry! past.]

Along with detectives John Defazio, his best friend on the force for ten years, who is about to be a father for the second time with his fiancee, and Jennifer Reed, a detective for only five years, but headstrong and determined to make a name for herself, Harry races against time to stop this madman before he kills again. [The brief tidbits of information about John and Jen are interfering with whatever tension has been built up.] [Also, as this is clearly the same book as our recent New Beginning, it becomes even stranger that Harry never seems to have any down time now that we know there are at least two other detectives in this small town.]

SINS OF THE PAST is a griping tale [The tale is gripping; griping is what Evil Editor has been doing.] of murder, revenge, and suspense that will keep you guessing about the identity of the killer to the end. [Not me; I've already deduced that the murderer is actor Paul Sorvino.] It is complete at 55,000 words. The full manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Note to EE: The title comes from the first suspects the police have for the murders, the former students of the first murdered teacher, who was a special ed teacher.

[Who do you like for the murder, detective?

Former students is my guess.

But the former students are autistic.

Yeah but their teacher once got them to confess to writing on the walls, so I figure we can get them to confess to this and be done with it.]

She, along with the principal of the school, conspired to blame incidents on the students that they didn't do. And also of one of the other suspects in the murders, the janitor at the school, who was involved in sexual abuse scandals earlier in his life and may have abused some of the students.


Notes

I don't see why the police would suspect one of the students of the first murdered teacher, unless that person was also a student of the other murdered teachers. The motive for killing your teacher is not the same as the motive for killing random teachers.

Focus on the case. We don't need to know what happens on Saturday nights or that John's girlfriend is pregnant.

Face-Lift 857

Guess the Plot

A Sweet Disorder

1. After years of testing various formulas, Milla and Luke finally perfect their Candy Bar NummyBites and are set to make millions . . . if they can just figure out how to keep the secret ingredient from causing cannibalistic tendencies.

2. You know how a small flaw in an article of clothing can make it seem more beautiful than if it were perfect? Jack's flaw is that he thinks he can solve crimes better than the Cretins on the police force. He stumbles on a murder, investigates, calls the principles together, announces whodunnit . . . and gets it all wrong, eliminating any chance of this detective novel becoming a series.

3. Amy almost abandons her dream of becoming a pastry chef when a rare disorder leaves her unable to taste sweetness. Her best friend volunteers his tongue for an experimental transplant, and she realizes she loves him. But really, is there an upside to marrying a man with no tongue?

4. After Professor Sager genetically engineers sugar so that it fights cavities, the Anerican Dental Association kidnaps the professor and destroys the formula. Sager decides to drop his project and work on a cancer-curing cigarette.

5. When he discovers that someone is lacing the Bon Ton Bonbon Company's chocolate truffles with salmonella, Detective Zack Martinez knows two things: that disgruntled rival chocolatier Fifi LaRue is behind the sabotage, and that he'd better pick up a Whitman sampler for his wife on the way home from work.

6. Rhonda has a medical condition. It's called a sweet tooth, and if she can't get rid of it, she fears she won't fit into her wedding gown. Little does she know, Paul has the same affliction, and already can't button the pants of his tux. Will they spend the next two months dieting, and blame each other for their misery? Or will they fess up and elope to a hotel next to a bakery?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Jack and Zoe have a special relationship. He’s the young American doctor, so strait-laced he should have been a mummy. [This makes sense only to those who know that mummies are notoriously strait-laced, a group which may include only yourself.] [Now, it might be an amusing joke if mummies were wrapped in lace or if the strips of linen they were wrapped in were tied like shoe laces. As that isn't the case, I recommend one of the following jokes as a replacement: He’s the young American doctor, so strait-laced he should have been a shoe salesman; He’s the young American doctor, so strait-laced he moonlights as a doily.] She’s the wild, spontaneous one, who chucked her nursing post in London to trek round the world. [It seems that they would have met because of their doctor/nurse professions, but if she chucked her post to trek around the world, how did they become a couple?] Things happen around Zoe, and Jack had better get used to it.

Their honeymoon in Crete has hardly begun when they come across a handsome young corpse by the swimming pool. [If he's a zombie, call him a zombie. I'm not sure it's a good idea for a zombie to be by the pool. Sunlight and chlorine are bad enough for your skin when you're alive.] Zoe hardly blinks. Like the police inspector says, sometimes even healthy young men die unexpectedly. That’s good enough for Zoe.

What she can’t fathom is what gets into Jack. Suddenly her quiet, socially inept bumbler is sniffing about for clues and generally sticking his nose everywhere it doesn’t belong. Zoe can tell him exactly what he’ll find: a web of petty village jealousies, a coven of crooked British ex-pats, and a charming little fishing port where smuggling is the real catch of the day. It’s all a bit unsettling—what happened to the comfortably boring stick-in-the-mud she married?

The second body to turn up is so battered and bloody, even the police can’t look the other way. By now Jack’s way ahead of them. And way cleverer, too—if he got through med school, he smirks, then solving the odd murder or two will be easy. It’s one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent education. The solution he presents to the assembled local noteworthies is pure brilliance.

Too bad he gets it all wrong. And in front of all those people, too.

In A Sweet Disorder, a marriage divided by a common language gets a good dose of murder. Noir it’s not—a lot more ouzo’s spilled here than blood. Aimed at readers who look down their noses at whodunnits, [If you've written a whodunnit, your best bet is to aim it at people who don't look down their noses at whodunnits. I base this on the likelihood that the book will be shelved with the whodunnits, and the people who look down their noses at whodunnits won't even know where the whodunnit section is.] this cozy mystery has enough literary pretensions to appeal to fans of Guillermo Martinez, Donna Tart, Josef Sforecky or Arturo Pérez-Reverte, without turning off those whose tastes run more towards Marian Keyes. [I'm starting to think it's the query that has literary pretensions. Which is not a good thing, even if you spell Donna Tartt's and Josef Skvorecky's names right.]

Now the personal bits. After sixteen years in a transatlantic marriage, I know exactly what Mr Churchill was on about. [No idea what that means, but here are some amusing Churchill quotes: "From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I shall not put." "History will be kind to me for I intend to write it." "The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter."] For ten years I practiced medicine in the US, but [eventually they discovered I'd never been to med school, so] eight years ago I moved to the UK to write reports for a Major Pharmaceutical Company. The stuff I churn out is meant to convince government agencies our products are safe, effective and absolutely crucial for the public health. No author could ask for a better way to exercise his imagination and creativity. [I applaud the way you cleverly cloak in humor the claim that writing pharmaceutical reports is relevant to writing a mystery. However, as the query is already too long, I would limit the "personal bits" to your medical practice, assuming your doctor and nurse make use of medical training in solving the case.] [Also, it's probably not a good idea to refer to your one example of getting published as "the stuff I churn out."]

A Sweet Disorder, complete at 150,000 words, is my first novel. I’ve enclosed the first three chapters and would very much like to send you the rest of the manuscript.

Yours sincerely,


[explanatory note for 'Guess the Plot' purposes: A Sweet Disorder is a Herrick poem about untied shoes.]


Notes

I like paragraphs 2, 3, and 4. Good voice, just enough plot to draw me in. That plus an opening and a closing would be a fine query. Get rid of the personal bits and the name-dropping, which will cut about a third of the query, and then do the same to the book, because it's a rare first novel that sells at 150,000 words.

We're pretty accustomed to our fictional detectives getting it right. A detective who gets it all wrong may seem like a refreshing change, but an agent may want to infer that Jack or Zoe eventually solves the case, so it wouldn't hurt to so imply.

Face-Lift 839

Guess the Plot

Given the Shaft

1. At the Feast of Thibault, worthy squires are presented with swords to mark their ascension to knighthood. Those who fail to measure up are instead drafted as spearmen. Can Horatio, who has dreamed of knighthood his whole life, cope with the humiliation of being . . . Given the Shaft?

2. When Annie Templeton's fiancé leaves her at the altar in 1860s Colorado, he at least leaves her with a consolation prize -- the deed to his gold mine. But is there something hidden in the depths of the mine that he didn't want to deal with?

3. Inch-high aliens land on Miss Shaft's lawn right after she fertilized it. When half the crew dies they declare interstellar war - not realizing she's known locally as 'the crazy cat-lady'.

4. When a woman is killed in an elevator shaft, and the police won't investigate, it's up to student Jordan Bale to solve the case. But it won't be easy when she also must deal with a stalker, a murderer, her rapist, her abusive boyfriend, and that fact that she's flunking math.

5. Marlene was livid when all her no-good husband Bert left her in his will was a played-out silver mine in Nevada. She's even more livid when she sells it to Bert's first wife, Lily, for a song, and learns two months later that a vein of platinum has been discovered in it. When the devil offers to arrange for an irregularity in the sales agreement to come to light, she's mighty tempted.

6. After making the classic mistake of shagging her boss before collecting adequate blackmail material to keep her job afterward, unemployed Nora starts digging. The dirt involves three national governments, the fate of her boss's ex-wife, a LOT of dairy products and . . . running for her life.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Jordan Bale is an alienated college student who stumbles into the world of detecting by way of an administrative conspiracy, the murder of her favorite professor, and a serial rapist targeting campus. And one of these criminals is stalking her. With her personal life in shambles, Jordan must solve these crimes before she becomes the next victim.

It all started when a student was killed in an elevator shaft in her dorm and campus police appear to avoid investigating. [That sentence starts in past tense and switches to present. No reason to use past tense at all when the rest of the query is in present.] Jordan takes the story to the school’s newspaper, embarrassing a university that will do anything to protect its reputation. [Did you notice how I didn't say anything at the end of the previous sentence about the phrasing "campus police appear to avoid investigating"? That was me appearing to avoid criticizing. What you want to say is the police refuse to investigate or the police are too quick to call it an accident or the police are too busy busting kids for smoking weed to care about murder. Even if it's not exactly what happens in the book, it's better to state it simply than correctly.] [Also, when there's a dead person, I'm not sure the real police can be kept out of the mix.] When her favorite professor – the only person who saw Jordan as more than just one of Ohio State’s fifty thousand students – is murdered less than a week later, Jordan is determined to find justice. Even if it entails breaking into her professor’s office and stealing her research to look for clues. Then the Columbus Police Department starts turning away rape victims.

[Rape victim: I was raped.

Police desk sergeant: Take a hike, lady.]

[You need to show a connection between the Columbus Police turning away rape victims and the murders. Or leave the rape victims out of the query, which is probably best. You already have two murders, and you don't want the query to be just a list of crimes. Presumably the Columbus police are investigating the professor's murder, so focus on what Jordan can do that they can't.] Throw in an emotionally abusive boyfriend, her first academic failure, and the inability to solve one single case – could Jordan’s life get any worse? Yes. Now she must solve her own rape, as well.

[Jordan: I was raped.

Police desk sergeant: Come back when you've solved the case and we'll talk.]

Given the Shaft is an 80,000-word mystery that could be expanded into a series [in which Jordan once again is unable to solve one single case and the police do nothing]. I was named an up-and-coming star of flash fiction by the 6S Review, and my short stories have appeared in 6S2, MicroHorror, Blink Ink, FlashShot, Thrillers, Killers 'n' Chillers, and Long Story Short.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

It's not clear whether the student was found dead in an elevator shaft, having died after plummeting to the bottom, in which case she may or may not have been pushed, or whether she was found in the shaft with a bullet in her head.

Maybe you should come up with a fictional university. Ohio State may not want you publicizing the fact that they'll do anything to protect their reputation. Or the enormous number of murders and rapes that take place on their campus.

It's not clear why Jordan takes a major interest in the elevator shaft death. I would think her major focus/goal (at least until she becomes a victim) would be on solving her professor's murder case. I'd focus the query on that, and just mention the serial rapist as one of the complications (instead of her inability to solve a single case, which isn't a big selling point for a mystery).

I would start the query: When her favorite professor is murdered, Jordan Bale is determined to do what the police apparently can't: solve the case. Then tell us what she does and what obstacles make her task difficult and how she plans to deal with these obstacles.

Face-Lift 824

Guess the Plot

Undertow

1. Josh examines the foibles and challenges of life via the metaphor of surfing, analogizing the ebb and flow of the waves to the internal struggles we all experience within, like totally.

2. "Romantic walks on moonlit beaches," says his personal ad. But who -- or what -- is he? Night after night, he magically melts into the sand and drags his date into the surf! He's the evil super villain known as . . . Undertow.

3. When you've been sent to an island reform school, and you wake up to discover everyone's been kidnapped except you and Logan, it's a bit disconcerting, until you realize Logan is hot hot hot. But then you realize you're the daughter of the American president, so the kidnappers will probably come back for you, but if you try to swim away, you're sure to get caught in the undertow and drown. Maybe if you lock yourself in the janitor's closet with Logan you'll be safe.

4. 17-year-old ocean lifeguard Kortney has Red Cross WSI certification, a stellar employment record, and a terrible secret. She's a vampire. And when a group of foster children on an outing gets caught in a rip tide, she has to make a difficult choice.

5. Newlyweds Spencer and Emily Harris embark on their honeymoon-- a trek across the US in their RV. When they get a flat in the New Mexico desert, a mysterious tow truck driver comes to their rescue, pulling them into a seemingly inescapable horror. Maybe they should have taken that left at Albuquerque.

6. In a flooded dystopian future, the roughnecks of Undertow Inc. eke out a living salvaging the wreckage of Earth's industrial past. But when a routine job uncovers a terrifying secret, the blue-collar submariners find themselves in the middle of a conflict between ruthless pirates and mysterious government agents, over a prize that defies imagination.


Original Version

Dear EE,

Seventeen-year-old Kat has all the attention in the world, except her father's. Maybe that's why she pushed someone through a window, why she's shipped off to some elite island reform school. It hardly seems fair, but then a slap on the wrist just won't do for the President's daughter. [It won't do because the people will assume she's getting preferential treatment. But it sounds like the people aren't being told what her punishment is. In which case they probably assume she's getting preferential treatment.]

With a new identity and no Secret Service stiffs glued to her side she might finally get a whiff of normality. [I don't see being sent to a school full of delinquents normality.] But nothing's normal when you wake to find everyone's gone, everyone except Logan--the school's hottest property. [The word "property" may not be conveying the idea you want. Try "beefstud."]

Unable to contact the mainland, Kat's drowning in questions over the disappearance as feelings develop for the boy by her side. He's not buying her kick-your-ass exterior, senses she's freaking out. But it might be for good reason.

Kidnappers, responsible for the disappearance, have just worked out who Kat really is. [I don't see how they could work this out.

Kidnapper 1: We've loaded forty kids and teachers in the boat, but I don't think we can squeeze these last two in.

Kidnapper 2: Okay, leave 'em behind. The ransom we get for these forty should set us up for life.

(Later)

Kidnapper 1: It occurs to me that that girl we left behind was the daughter of the president.

Kidnapper 2: Let's go back and get her. If we're gonna have the FBI after us, we might as well invite the Secret Service and the military to join the party.] They're coming back for her, and anyone nearby's bound to cop a bullet. [I've heard of copping a plea and copping a feel. I'm not sure how cop works with bullet. Perhaps use "take." Interestingly, "cop" and "take" can each mean "steal," but Logan won't be stealing a bullet.]

If freedom means throwing every scumbag from the highest window, she'll damn well do it. [If the kidnappers have the numbers and/or weapons needed to abduct everyone in the school, how is a seventeen-year-old girl going to handle them?] If she doesn't, Logan's dead, she'll be caught, and Daddy Dearest might just have to release every terrorist in US custody. [What makes her think the kidnappers are interested in getting terrorists released? If I discovered everyone in my school had vanished, I'd be thinking X-Files or practical joke. Not mass kidnapping with the kidnappers planning to return for me.] And that's the problem. If the choice is country or child, Kat's not sure she'll survive.

UNDERTOW is a young-adult mystery complete at 70,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

If the kidnappers actually want to release terrorists, you'd think their goal would be to get the president's daughter, not everyone except her. You'd think they would be targeting this school because they know the president's daughter is there, and that they would know what she looks like.

I would pluralize both uses of "disappearance."

If everyone disappeared except me, and I decided they were kidnapped, I would assume I wasn't wanted. I wouldn't assume I was left behind as an oversight and they were coming back for me.

Hard to believe there aren't any cell phones available. As everyone was probably asleep when the abductions occurred, making sure no one leaves behind a phone would have been next to impossible. I can't believe the president's daughter would be sent to a place where she couldn't phone home.

Face-Lift 818

Guess the Plot

The Burning of Issobell Key

1. The tragic story of how the first annual Pyromaniacs Anonymous meeting at Issobell Key went terribly, terribly wrong.

2. Issobell accepts fiance David's invitation to move to an island colony in his home state of Washington. But the religious sect he grew up in acts weird, all this talk of the "Burning Woman" festival. She's getting a baaad feeling.

3. Vacationing in Scotland, Lou takes an interest in the 300-year-old case of Issobell Key, who was burned as a witch. Lou tries to prove Issobell didn't commit all those murders. Not that exonerating her will bring her back to life . . . unless she really was a witch.

4. Salem-born Issobell has it tough. Saddled with illiterate parents, warts and a fondness for newt-eye soup, it was only a matter of time before the mob turned on her. As the flames rise, she wonders how life would have been different if only she'd preferred minestrone.

5. Hundreds of years ago, she was convicted of witchcraft as a teenager and burned at the stake. Now her ghost is back for revenge. The first thing she has to get used to in the American suburb where she's been reincarnated is 21st-century spelling. "Issobell"!? Now she feels like roasting someone.

6. When her neighbor in the tiny Cotswold village of Boring-on-End meets an untimely end as result of an exploding gas cooker, amateur sleuth Amelia Pettipants knows it wasn't just because Issobell made one mean curry. Or maybe it was, and someone's out for revenge . . . someone with a history of stomach problems. Which means 75% of the village are suspects.


Original Version

PLEASE be brutal! Thanks. [Sure, you say Be brutal, but later when you're in tears because I've suggested you give up this hopeless writing pipe dream and become a pole dancer in some skid row dive, how do I know you won't send your ex-con boyfriend over to teach me a little etiquette, Attica-style?] [On the other hand, how often do I get the opportunity to tell people, Be careful what you wish for?]

Dear Evil Editor,

The Scottish highlands have a rich history of magic and romance, but 26 year old Lou wasn’t looking for either when she traveled there with her best friend. Recently unemployed, Lou [Better to say "Unemployed"; if you call her "recently unemployed" we might think she is no longer unemployed. "Recently laid off" is okay, as is "recently fired." Even better, however, is to not mention her employment status at all, as it has nothing to do with the rest of the sentence or the rest of the query.] wasn’t really looking for anything in particular, [If you're gonna tell us in sentence 2 that she wasn't looking for anything in particular, there's no need to tell us in sentence 1 that she wasn't looking for magic or romance. However, I recommend keeping the romance and magic and ditching the anything, as I much prefer in particular to vague.] except perhaps some answers about her uncertain future. [You may argue that her joblessness is relevant because it's what makes her future uncertain. But I would argue that unless you can explain in the query how a vacation in Scotland is going to provide answers to her uncertain employment status, it's best to leave that out and let us believe she's just traveling.] [Some minions may now argue that maybe Lou isn't here on vacation, but is seeking a job. But I would argue that maybe you should read the next sentence before you open your big mouth.] But the past captivated her from the minute her vacation started, and Lou found herself digging for clues in a three-hundred year old murder mystery. [Queries are more interesting if they're in present tense. Like your next paragraph. Convert this one.] [Also, one could interpret that sentence to mean Lou started digging for clues the minute her vacation started.] [Also, are you sure murder was considered a crime 300 years ago in Scotland? I ask because my research into Scotland's history reveals:

14 April 1736: Efforts to quell a riot by the Captain of the City Guard in Edinburgh, Captain John Porteous, lead to six deaths. Porteous is later found guilty of murder.

7 September 1736: An Edinburgh crowd hear that Captain Porteous has been pardoned. That night they break into his cell and publicly lynch him. None of those responsible is caught.

As you see, the guy who was found guilty of murder was pardoned, and the authorities "claimed" they couldn't find anyone who was part of the lynch mob, even though the lynch mob was right there in the jailhouse.]

Mysterious dreams and bizarre coincidences begin to propel Lou [They propel her. If you tell us they propel her, we can deduce that at some point the propulsion began.] towards the fragments of truth [The truth. The truth is the truth; it doesn't come in fragments. It used to. Nowadays we have to swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth because in the old days the oath was, Do you swear the testimony you're about to give contains at least a few fragments of the truth? And even the guilty could safely say yes to that.] surrounding Issobell Key, a woman condemned as a witch in the seventeenth century. [As the 17th century was 310 to 410 years ago, I'll assume you were rounding off when you said the murder trial was 300 years ago. Which is okay, though I see no harm in calling it a 320-year-old murder trial, assuming the date of the trial is known to Lou.] As Lou blindly tries to follow her intuition, [She follows. If you say she follows, we'll deduce that she tried to follow. And "blindly" isn't needed unless she's blind, as that's understood when you follow your intuition instead of your senses.] she uncovers the grisly circumstances of Issobell’s trial and conviction: witnesses claimed that she murdered her sister, nephew, and brother-in-law in cold blood. [Those are the grisly circumstances of the crime, not of the trial and conviction.] [More proof that murder wasn't a crime:

Procurator: The woman murdered three people in cold blood. We have eyewitnesses.
Assistant: I know, sir, but what can we do?
Procurator: You're right, without a law against mur--Wait, we can charge her with witchcraft!
Assistant: Ah, Old Reliable. Brilliant, sir.]

With the help of Brian, the gorgeous native tour guide, and Tammy, her skeptical best friend, [If you'd told us the best friend's name the first time you mentioned her, you could just name her now without having to repeat that she's Lou's best friend.] Lou begins to delve [She delves.] into the tragedies of the distant past. But what she learns about her own past may be enough to completely change her life. [That's pretty vague. If she learns that she was Issobell in a past life, and has been summoned here to take revenge on all the descendants of the witnesses responsible for her first death, give us a hint.]

Complete at 60,000 words, The Burning of Issobell Key blends modern and historical settings in a truly unique work of women’s fiction. [1. Everything that's unique is, by definition, truly unique. 2. If you mean no other book is identical to it, that's true, but it's true of every book. 3. If you mean something a bit less absolute, you need a word other than "unique." In any case, if you show the book's fabulosity with a compelling plot description, there's no need to declare it, so let the agent/editor decide if it's truly increduloso.]


Okay, what we've boiled this down to is something like:

The Scottish highlands have a rich history of magic and romance, but 26-year-old Lou is looking for neither when she books her vacation. Still, the past captivates her from the moment she arrives, and it's not long before Lou finds herself digging for clues in a 333-year-old murder mystery.

Mysterious dreams and bizarre coincidences propel Lou toward the truth surrounding Issobell Key, a woman condemned as a witch in the seventeenth century. Following her intuition, Lou uncovers the grisly details of Issobell’s crime: witnesses claimed that she murdered her sister, nephew, and brother-in-law in cold blood.

Complete at 60,000 words, The Burning of Issobell Key is women's fiction that blends modern and historical settings.


That won't be the complete query; first you'll want to smoothly slip in some (or all) of the following: Does Lou find info that suggests or proves Issobell was innocent? Is Lou investigating old records, or basing everything on dreams and supernatural visitations? How do you dig for clues in a 300-year-old murder in a foreign country? How does delving into this case specifically change Lou's life?

Is this a ghost story or a mystery? Is it Brian's hunkiness that makes this women's fiction? Because I don't see why women are the expected audience. Guys like grisly murders and people being burned alive almost as much as women do.

Face-Lift 764

Guess the Plot

The Shaman's Curse

1. Green eyebrows. Kitten trees. Cars that only run backwards. Henry Toppis is starting to think maybe that "Indian Shaman" at the Keokuk County Fair wasn't a fake after all.

2. Felix the Shaman is really a great guy: nice hair, nice teeth, and a nice personality to boot. There's just one problem: he can't actually do anything resembling magic.

3. When porn actor Peter Bilt is transformed into a horse, he is forced to explore the seedy underworld of his industry to make a living.

4. Lasair awakens in a parallel world of magic and supernatural beings, and enrolls in Badness Castle Academy. Her future looks grim--unless she can find an ancient shaman to lead her to salvation.

5. Nan To comes from a line of great Shamans but he has a problem. His stutter makes communication with the spirit world difficult, with often hilarious results. Can Nan To overcome . . . The Shaman's Curse?

6. Khiron, a barbarian king, has conquered the neighboring kingdoms--all but Joctanauga, home of a powerful shaman. Hey, it's hard enough fighting with swords without having to deal with this magic crap.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

The cider is mulling, the snow is snowing, and your home is invaded by a horde of cloaked and masked killers. [They're Romulans. The Romulans are known for their cloaking devices.] [Based on the dictionary definition, it isn't the cider that's mulling, it's the cook who's mulling--mulling the cider. As for the snow snowing, the reason you seldom hear the weatherman say the rain is raining, the sun is sunning, or the moon is mooning is because other verbs can add information. Snow can be swirling or driving or piling up, like wood chips under an electric lathe. Or falling. None of which matters, because this listing of things that are happening, the last of which dwarfs the others in magnitude, is fine if you're trying to be amusing, but having looked ahead and seen that this isn't comedy, I think we should dump the cider and the snow. It's one thing to set the scene for the entrance of the murderous horde in the book, but in the query we can get to the horde immediately.] They murder your mother in a way you couldn’t imagine. [Does it involve an electric lathe?] You’re pretty sure you’re next. [Wait a minute; is this book about me?] What would you do? What will seventeen-year-old Lasair Drake do?

Abducted and abandoned by the horde, ["Horde" was okay once, to tell us there were lots of them, but after that we should call them intruders or killers. Or Romulans.

Horde member 1: Tell me again why we abducted this kid instead of killing her in a way she couldn't imagine?

Horde member 2: You're asking me? Let's drop her off at the next orphanage.]

Lasair awakens in a hospital, in a parallel world called The Mystic Tier, which is home to magic users and other supernatural beings. [We know from the title that this is fantasy, but you haven't mentioned the title in the letter, so you might want to open with your title/genre, as the genre is obvious only to those who know that in reality, killers don't wear cloaks.] Her Healer, Deacon Nox, has been charged with her care and enrols [sp.] Lasair at his alma mater, Badness Castle Academy. [Everyone older than eight just rolled their eyes.] Here, she finds herself in the midst of a centuries old mystery--an adventure filled with secrets, lies, ghosts and dreams, linking the castle’s dark history to her present and her mother’s murder.

Together with her new friends, and enigmatic Professor Vesperus Vermillion, Lasair comes to learn the deeper truth of why she was abducted and the grim future ahead of her. A link to an ancient Shaman and a barbaric warlord could either be her salvation or her demise.

The Shaman’s Curse is a 368 page fantasy/mystery novel that may appeal to both young adult and mature readers. I’ve enjoyed writing as a personal hobby for nearly ten years now, and have been published by Global Publishing Central and Grey Inspirations, both partners of Helium.com. This is my first novel.

I hope the novel, The Shaman’s Curse is of interest to you, and wish to thank you in advance for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. Enclosed are the first thirteen pages (to the end of the first chapter) and a self addressed stamped envelope for ease of your reply.

Sincerely,


[The title comes from the prologue, which shows how, five hundred years before Lasair was born, her father, Lord Badness conquered and exterminated the Selk people. After the Shaman had been forced to watch his kinsmen die, he cursed Lord Badness, that he would know no pleasure in his victories, and one day, his own progeny would smite him.]


Notes

Lasair gets abducted and awakens in another world. That's the setup. Unfortunately, everything after that, which is the main plot, is vague. By getting the cider and snow and Evil Editor out of paragraph 1 (and cutting much of the last two paragraphs) we open up room for specifics about the mystery and the secrets and the deeper truth and maybe even the shaman's curse.

Naming a villain "Lord Badness" is going to make readers think you were too lazy to think up a name.

Face-Lift 705

This is an old Face-Lift. In reading through last year's stuff to prepare for end-of-year awards, I noticed that there were two with the same number, and rather than renumber everything from that point forward, I moved the extra post here to the end. No need to comment, though you're welcome to do so.

Guess the Plot

Prey for the Church

1. Gay people, rational thought, those who ask too many questions, gay people...

2. A devout Evangelical Protestant goes undercover at the census bureau and changes the choices for 'religion' on the form to 'Christian' and 'hell-bound heathen', only to find his plans thwarted by an angelically blonde Episcopalian data-entry clerk. Can they overcome their differences and find love amid the printouts?

3. In 1964 Jack Singleton discovers he can use a certain red telephone booth in London as a time-travel machine. Life is stimulatingly dangerous as he revisits different parts of the 20th century, but when a glitch propels him back to 1376, he stands amid the scattered fragments of his ruined booth and realizes he's in veeeeery deeeeeep s**t.

4. When Stevie and Bill find smelly old bones in the grass, they realize the haunted church is carnivorous!! It ate a dog! They flee to safety, and don't cross the street again until it occurs to them that perhaps they can be rid of cruel teenager Jack McDaniels, if they can only convince him to stray too close and become . . . prey for the church!!

5. When attendance falls at Pineview's Sunday school, the Reverend Mackenzie takes action, sending his elite squad into the streets and playgrounds of the surrounding countryside to bring lost sheep of ages 4-12 back into the fold.

6. Three priests have been shot in the head, and the beloved bishop is the chief suspect. It's up to one intrepid reporter, with the help of a handsome butler and a band of Euro-brats, to solve the case before the Pope finds out what's going on.


Original Version

Re: Pederasty, the Catholic Church and Murder in PREY FOR THE CHURCH, a mystery novel by ______________

Dear Ms. ______________:

Chaz Kennedy quit the Boston Globe because she wanted to change things, not write about them. [Way too vague. The only specific is the Globe, and she no longer works there. I'm much more interested in her future plans than her previous job. What does she want to change? Does she have a new job lined up? Compare that to this: Chaz Kennedy quit the Boston Globe and joined Greenpeace because she wanted to sink Norwegian whaling vessels.]

Sailing along the Charles River in her tiny sailboat on the first day of her vacation, after putting away a bunch of nasty perps who sold pets to labs, [She quit the Globe to become Ace Ventura, Pet Detective?] Chaz enjoys the perfect weather that Boston serves up in June. When a big boat's wake throws her overboard, she surfaces nose to nose with a floater in priest's clothing. A bullet hole in the white bloated forehead doesn't help. [Doesn't help what?]

Meanwhile, a beautiful Indian activist is attacked in her hotel. Boston's premier defense attorney wants to hire Chaz to find out who and why. Chaz insists her vacation is more important than another job, until the police arrest her great uncle, the much beloved Bishop Kennedy, for murder when he is found giving the last rites two more priests with bullet holes in their foreheads. [Was the much beloved bishop holding the holy oil in one hand and the murder weapon in the other? What makes them think he shot them?]

Indian activists out to avenge the children abused by priests in Church run boarding schools, a wacko Internet cult of religious conservative vigilantes and elements within the Church itself, all have reason to want her uncle, the bishop dead. [However, he's still alive, so it's a little early to be thinking about who killed him.]

When he disappears from his jail cell before Chaz bails him out, [I know Massachusetts is easy on criminals, but do they really grant bail to people they believe shot three priests in the head?] [Although admittedly the bishop isn't a flight risk like a cardinal would be. Ba dum ching.] she is led on a frantic search that leads to a bizarre religio-military execution scene. [Nothing says vacation from hell like bizarre religio-military execution scene.]

Because widespread pederasty in the Catholic Church and the efforts to cover it up are still in the headlines, I thought this would be a good time to sell my work. [Anytime is a good time to sell your work if you're successful.]

Here are a few more elements to my story.

· The beautiful Native American (Canadian) comes to town to demand an apology from Boston's Cardinal, but the sniper's rifle hidden under her bed indicates another agenda. [It indicates she may soon be involved in a bizarre religio-military execution scene.]

· The elaborate Internet cult of priest abuse survivors runs its own bank and sets about wreaking private vengeance on abuser priests with money it gets from exploiting former abuse victims. [They are the former abuse victims.] [Whattaya mean, "wreaking vengeance"? Shooting them in the foreheads?]

· People suspect that the now dead Archbishop, [Bullet hole in the forehead?] her uncle's former boss, knew of the abuse. But his vile notebooks of the crimes were never found. [How do we know they're vile?] As his executor, Chaz's uncle, Bishop Kennedy, may have them. [Check the drawer in his bedside table.]

· That diary is worth a fortune to those eager to cash in on the Church's perfidy, but also to the Church, to prevent its publication. [By "that diary," singular, do you mean "his vile notebooks," plural?]

· The Big Dig, a massive public works project, forces Chaz and the villains to use water routes around the city, adding a new dimension to chases. [The dimension of water.] [Travel by boat is new only when measured against the age of the universe.]

· Defense attorney Erskine Villard III, his handsome French butler, and his band of Euro-brats give Chaz a hand. [Careful, this is turning into a comedy.] [If it's a comedy, change the title to: Who is Killing the Great Pederast Priests of Boston?] [Although your title is pretty funny too.]

Naturally, [Naturally?] there are a number of murders, chases on land and sea, and an intro to a cool new series character, Chaz Kennedy, brave, gun slinging, computer savvy, intrepid and sexy.

I was raised in Boston with priests and nuns in my family. [Sounds like a fun household.

Father O'Hara: What's that on the television, boy?

Author: Charlie's Angels, Father.

Father O'Malley: Turn it off and drop your pants. Sister Catherine, bring us our whips.]

I have read a great deal on the subject of pederast priests. I am angered and saddened by the situation that still unfolds in the news, yet know from my research that it's been known a long time.

I have made my living as a journalist, humorist, and radio news reporter and radio talk show host, on the air in Los Angeles, and nationally, as a commentator on the daily business show, Marketplace.

I hope you will consider representing me, uniquely qualified as I am to cover this explosive material.

Sincerely,


Notes

What is Chaz, a freelance reporter? A private detective? The fact she just "put away some perps" makes me think cop. But a cop wouldn't have vacation coming already. How long ago did she quit the Globe?

Your murder suspects seem to be Indian activists out to avenge the children abused by priests in Church-run boarding schools, a wacko Internet cult of religious conservative vigilantes and elements within the Church itself. Have you considered making it one abused person, the cult leader, and one misguided person out to avenge the Church for its damaged reputation? Wouldn't it feel more personal with individual suspects instead of conspiracies?

You make it sound like nonfiction, like you're blowing the lid off a scandal, when you talk about actual pederast priests and call your material "explosive." It's a novel. The subject may be somewhat timely, but the editor/agent knows this without being told.

It's too long. We don't need the weather in June or the lab animals. We don't need the list of other elements. Only the vile notebooks are interesting, but as the archbishop wasn't even mentioned in the plot summary, maybe they aren't that important. I'd start with something like:

When investigative reporter Chaz Kennedy falls overboard while sailing on the Charles River, she surfaces nose to nose with a floater in priest's clothing. The bullet hole in his forehead suggests that this was more than just a baptism gone bad. And when the cops find Chaz's great uncle, Bishop Kennedy, administering last rites to two more priests who've been shot in the head--and arrest the bishop for murder--Chaz cuts her vacation short and starts a big dig into the evidence.

Then work in the motive: they were all pederast priests. And a few suspects. That's plenty for a murder mystery query.