Face-Lift 1019

Guess the Plot

Mysta

1. When retired chemist Roger Gusty begins converting his farts into ghosts, his love affair with octagenarian heiress Madeleine Crinkly takes a disturbing new turn. Set in a crumbling mansion, this hair-raising tale literally stinks.

2. Dolores knows she's going to die. That's because she's a Mysta, or "Mystic Sista," one of a sisterhood of urban psychics. Her daughter Rosalie is having trouble accepting the inevitable, so the Mystas take her on a road trip. Psychic revelations ensue.

3. Supermodel "Mysta" starts having memories of a past life as a Valkyrie warrior goddess. Then her friend Kieran declares that he's actually an ancient warrior. Kieran's brother, a Navy SEAL shows up, and both brothers want Mysta. But can she figure out which one of them is possessed by a demon who wants to wreak havoc on mankind?

4. Mystie, a Bostonian with a secret, finally achieves her lifelong dream of becoming a parochial school teacher. But her new career is in jeopardy when her nosy students figure out that Mystie is actually a Mysta.

5. Evil Elf Lysander Farklebean finds true love in a fog when the vaporite maiden Mysta helps him navigate to the Ivy Isle, thereby escaping the clutches of the angry King Comytell, father of the spiteful Princess Pearly, who wants Lysander's head on a platter, because he snatched the golden virginity she was keeping in the cupboard. But how long can the new happiness last?

6. In a nearly empty strip mall, the only occupied storefront is for a laser-tag arena, Mysta. Not much happens there, until smoldering corpses drilled with neat, cauterized holes start piling up in the parking lot.

7. Mysta is the fad of the moment only no one can agree what exactly it is: A drink? A drug? A celebrity? Only Pansy knows it's an invasion from another dimension where mind control satellites, death rays, and fate controlled by astrology are real.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor

An attack by a jilted rock star-turned-stalker nearly kills Supermodel Mysta. After surgery to repair her crushed larynx, she’s sure the drugs [The drugs? "Her painkillers" or whatever would be more specific.] are causing memories of a past life as Myst, Valkyrie warrior goddess.

Until she displays paranormal powers related to this previous existence. ["Until" suggests that she stops believing the drugs are causing memories of a past life as a Valkyrie warrior goddess when she displays paranormal powers. I would expect these powers to confirm that she has goddess DNA.] [Also, what are her powers?]

The assault reunites her with old friend, Kieran Sigard, [Change his name to Koren Sierkegaard.] who assures [her] he is her prior love, the warrior Sigvarðr. [Did he just find this out, or has he been keeping it from her? Did she tell him about her memories before he told her this?


How that conversation went if she told him first:

Mysta: I've been having these strange visions or dreams or memories of myself as a Valkyrie warrior goddess named Myst.

Kieran: I . . . see . . . Hey, guess what, I'm an ancient Icelandic warrior myself. So you have nothing to worry about. Excuse me, I just remembered there's something I need to tell your doctor before I disappear forever.


How that conversation went if she didn't tell him first:

Kieran: I'm glad you've recovered form the attack on your voice box. By the way, I'm the warrior Sigvarðr, your love from a past life.

Mysta: Welcome to Earth. I have just one question. What's that little thing over the "o" in your warrior name?]

She longs for the passion they share–[Who are "they"?] that is until his Navy SEAL brother arrives. Lieutenant Commander Kaelan Sigard [Giving your children two such similar names may not be uncommon, especially if they're twins, but giving two key characters in the same book such similar names is going to cause confusion.] is temptation incarnate, and offers protection when assassination and kidnapping attempts are made. [It's always nice to have a Navy SEAL visiting you when assassins attack. Especially if, in a past life, the Navy SEAL was Thor.] That isn’t the only thing he offers, but his indifference regarding a lasting relationship compels her to keep her distance. He thrives on a challenge, refusing to give up. This sparks a dormant [awakens a latent] rivalry between brothers, mixing a recipe for disaster as [and] they begin a deadly competition to win her. [Define "deadly."]

Unbeknownst to Mysta, a demon is using one of the brothers for its own centuries-old nefarious scheme. [This just keeps getting better.] [Amazingly, this demon with a centuries-old nefarious scheme somehow doesn't seem as out of place as the Navy SEAL.] It blames her for being cast into the underworld, intends to steal her powers, and wreak havoc on mankind. [Can you really steal someone's powers? Powers aren't like false teeth, that you leave in a cup on the bedside table overnight. Ah, research reveals that a supervillain known as The Parasite stole Superman's powers once. And a mythical staff on exhibit in Metropolis had the ability to steal Superman’s powers and transfer them to some evil character. It was up to Batman to locate and rescue Superman. How humiliating for the Man of Steel to have to be rescued by Batman, with his silly toys like his batarangs and bat pellets.]

As the young woman deciphers [investigates] her past, a twist of events causes her present love to [Kieran/Kaelin] become[s] possessed by the very demon she must destroy. [Which brother is her present love?] This heartbreaking challenge [dilemma] could be her unraveling.

MYSTA, my completed paranormal romantic suspense of approximately 92,500 words, is the first in a series where the couple [What couple?] becomes a paranormal investigative team. In book two, while investigating the homicide of a friend’s relative, ties to the underworld are discovered, luring the couple [Mysta and Kieran or Mysta and Kaelan?] into a devastating trap. In book three, Mysta is a month away from delivering their first baby when she is abducted by those who wish to use her, and her child, for evil purposes. [Never mind books 2 and 3 for now. It has series potential is enough.]

My short story, MURDER IN MIDTOWN, has been accepted for an anthology to be published later this year.

Thank you for your creative criticism. I look forward to being publicly ridiculed soon.

Sincerely,


Notes

At first reading, one could think, Why does this demon think this supermodel is responsible for casting him into the underworld? If you refer to the demon as a Norse demon, and perhaps give it a Norse demon name, it won't sound like an anachronism to those who consider demons a Christian idea. Did she cause the demon to be cast into the underworld? If so, say so instead of saying it blames her. You can say it wants revenge on her for sending it to the underworld.

It's a romance, but I'm not sure who the romantic couple is. It sounds like Mysta wants a lasting relationship with Kaelin and only stays away because he's indifferent. So when the brothers enter into a rivalry for her, Kieran might not want to be involved with her, knowing she has the hots for his brother. Which is why I can't be sure which brother she ends up with. And for some reason you're not telling.

I wasn't thinking Kieran had any interest in Mysta. Is he an old boyfriend or just an old friend?

We can do without the stalker/larynx bit. She doesn't understand why she's experiencing strange visions, but when she develops X-ray vision and super strength there can be only one explanation: she's the reincarnation of a Valkyrie warrior goddess.

Face-Lift 1018

Guess the Plot

Shadows in the Forest

1. Hiking in the forest, Ami finds a box of trinkets. Could each of them be a trophy from some serial killer's thirty-year murder spree? She thinks so. But can she avoid becoming the killer's next victim?

2. TV talking heads say people can’t see the forest for the trees. Nick figures it’s because the canopy creates shadows. So he strings lights in the forest to eliminate them. It irritates nocturnal creatures so much they kill hundreds of people.

3. Attempting to determine whether a tree falling in the forest with no one around makes a sound, philosopher August Pendragon sets up microphones and cameras and waits for a tree to fall. She never actually catches a falling tree on film, but does discover that trees in the forest have no shadows when no one's around.

4. When the body of former Disney kiddie star - turned - singer Amber Wallenski turns up in the trunk of a rental car, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: She didn't get that poison oak rash in a recording studio, and maybe he really needs to talk his youngest daughter out of a Disney singing career.

5. In the great coast redwood forests lives a secret: a society of faeries, who have the chameleon-like ability to blend with their surroundings. When 13-year-old Kai catches DaNaShi in a bird feeder, will their world be exploited--or will he have the best Science Fair exhibit ever?

6. Midnight. Judy the Psychic gets contacted by two kids lost in a forest, being followed by something that makes a big shadow and growls and noisily gnashes its teeth. Maybe a bear. All her kindly henchmen are asleep so Judy sends an evil elf to the rescue.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

With a typhoon raging overhead and a killer somewhere nearby, bound and beaten Ami Sato's certain of only one thing: she must survive.

To recuperate [Whoa. Is she still bound? Is the killer still nearby? What about the typhoon? Doesn't she have to escape from her hopeless predicament before she starts recuperating?] and get her head straight, Ami decides to spend the spring renting a remote cabin in Japan's countryside. [It's a decision she'll be acting on as soon as she manages to untie these ropes.] Here, she forces herself to confront [she confronts] the mistakes she's made in her life. [For instance, wandering alone in the Forest of Typhoons and Serial Killers.] While hiking in the woods, she finds a hidden antique, wooden box of trinkets. One item, a pendant with a name inscribed on the back, catches her eye.

With that pendant and the help of a friend, [How remote can this cabin be if she has a friend nearby?] Ami discovers a [an] unsettling pattern of murders in the area spanning thirty years, souls trapped between life and death, and just how strong her will to live really is. She must overcome her own inner weaknesses before she becomes the killer's next victim. [Is this the same killer she was bound and beaten by? Maybe after she escaped from the killer the first time she should have rented a remote cabin on one of Japan's other islands instead of in the same forest he's been killing people in for thirty years. Just saying.] [What are these inner weaknesses she has to overcome to avoid getting killed? Explain why she can't flee to Tokyo instead of overcoming her inner weaknesses.] At first, all she wants is [wanted was] to get her head straight. Now all she wants - is to keep it. [That's the second time you've used the phrase "get her head straight."]

SHADOWS IN THE FOREST is a 78,000 word mystery with paranormal elements. Per your submission guidelines, I have included [***]


Notes

If this is paranormal, more about that aspect would be helpful. I assume the souls trapped between life and death belong to the killer's victims? Although a killer's victims are usually completely dead. Are they zombies?

I'm not clear on the timeline. We open with Ami bound and beaten by a killer. Then she moves to a remote cabin to recuperate, but she's still worried about the same guy killing her? Is the killer human?

Maybe we should start with Ami moving to a remote cabin to meditate on the mistakes she's made in her life, one or two of which you might specify. Then she finds the box, at which point you might specify how this reveals thirty years of murders and souls trapped between life and death. Then the killer captures her (for the first or second time), or she foils him/her/it.

In other words, tell us a story. Right now all we have is a list of events. She moves to a cabin, finds a pendant, discovers a pattern of murders, survives by overcoming her weaknesses. We need elaboration on this stuff. Specific details, cause and effect, ideas building on each other.

Face-Lift 1011

Guess the Plot

Sideslip

1. A detailed description, along with precise illustrations, of lovers who are bored with doing it in the other two positions.

2. Hired to impersonate a Nobel Prize laureate during public appearances, Mimi finds said laureate dead and the evidence pointing at her. She runs away to Greece with the hit man who actually did the killing. Although she doesn't know it's him.

3. Dr. Robert Norvich has created the first working time machine, a device that enters a slightly parallel dimension and exits it moments later, back in this world. When his assistants accidentally send a coffee cup back in time, it ends up knocking out John Wilkes Booth. Now our whole world is in chaos as things vanish and reappear. That's the end of that grant money.

4. A temporal rift experiment accidentally goes wrong and causes five scientists to warp out of existence. When they re-appear with politicians in tow, the Tea Party homeworld is revealed.

5. Physicist Lars Kadonneet invents equipment that allows him to traverse time and space. As Lars returns from the past, where he introduced Einstein to LSD, his machine malfunctions; it’s now 1966 and he is three inches tall and locked in a padded cell with a psychopath.

6. A time traveler materializes and informs teenager Sophie that witches' spells are backfiring ever since her grandmother died. Naturally this threatens to destroy the fabric of time, and only Sophie can prevent what may be the end of the universe.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Army brat Sophie Moore is still reeling from her family’s sudden move to Georgia, the loss of her grandmother, [There's always something you can't find after a move.] and her father’ [father's] deployment to Afghanistan. [If you're sending a soldier to Afghanistan, I see no reason his family would need to move to Georgia. Then again, I see no reason for a lot of things the military does.] [Wait, is it the country Georgia? Now that would make sense, a much shorter trip for dad to visit family.] When a strange boy appears in the woods near her house, she fears stress-induced hallucinations. Each time she sees him, the boy vanishes before she can get a straight answer about who he is and why he’s here. Is she seeing ghosts? Demons? Or is she going bonkers? [Not entirely clear whether he's vanishing as in running into the woods, or literally disappearing before her eyes.]

This story is about a usually self-assured teenage girl thrust into a new environment. Sophie is an expert at fitting in – she has always moved every year or two, [It feels like you've started the query over.] but adjusting to life in Beaumont is harder than it should be. As she struggles to cope with her father’s absence, she grows determined [she determines.] to discover how Ren, a boy her age who repeatedly materializes in the forest, comes and goes. At the same time, Ren takes an unusual interest in her family, [I was under the impression Ren was vanishing before Sophie could even talk to him. Are they having conversations and interacting?] especially Sophie’s grandmother who has recently passed away. Slowly Sophie becomes convinced that her grandmother’s childhood friend Agnes, who ran away from Beaumont when they were teens, is somehow linked to Ren. As she sorts through old letters and memories for clues, she realizes that Ren’s tattoo bears a striking resemblance to her grandmother’s treasured silver necklace.

As she delves deeper into the mystery and Ren reveals more, Sophie discovers that Ren is not a monster or the product of an over-active imagination; he is a bumbling time-traveler. The death of Sophie’s grandmother has released a precious artifact that, without a knowledgeable witch to control it, is interfering with all manner of spells in the area. With no training, Sophie is forced to seek the unlikeliest of help to master the artifact before it brings unwanted attention from some very unpleasant individuals.

I am a recovering Army brat and an unpublished author currently living outside Atlanta, Georgia. [That sentence wasn't needed.] I am seeking representation for my YA paranormal suspense novel, Sideslip, complete at 75,000 words. Partial or full manuscript is available upon request, and feedback is most appreciated.

Thank you for your time and attention,


Notes

When Sophie wonders if she's seeing ghosts or demons or going bonkers, I naturally assume the answer is No, and there will be a logical explanation for her "hallucinations." So it feels off when it turns out time travel and witches casting spells are part of the real world. It may take Sophie three fourths of the book to discover that supernatural stuff is real, but I shouldn't have to wait through three fourths of the query to discover this. It forces me to readjust my view of what kind of book it is.

The first two paragraphs are all setup. And the second paragraph repeats most of what's in the first. Combine what's important in them into one paragraph. I think we can do without the father. Something like this is plenty of setup:

Exploring the woods near her family's new home in Georgia, teenager Sophie Moore keeps seeing a boy her age materializing and vanishing. When she notices that the boy's tattoo bears a striking resemblance to her late grandmother’s treasured silver necklace, Sophie suspects that the boy is somehow linked to her grandmother.


Now you can move forward with (I'm guessing): When the boy finally sticks around long enough for Sophie to talk to him, she learns his name is Ren and he's a time traveler. Turns out the death of Sophie's grandmother has etc. etc. Try to come up with something less vague than "released an artifact," "all manner of spells," "the unlikeliest of help," "very unpleasant individuals." What exactly is happening as a result of the artifact interfering with spells? Who helps? Who are the villains and what do they want?

Do Ren and Sophie work together to prevent some disaster? Spell out what's at stake and what they plan to do about it.

Was Ren sent to the past to deal with this problem? Why would they send a bumbling teenager on such an important mission?

Face-Lift 1009

Guess the Plot

Bound

1. When police sgt. Jim Mallory's therapist suggests he try BDSM to work on his trust issues, he agrees. Now there's a dead man in a gimp suit, another tied up with six bullets in him, and the Master is nowhere to be found. Looks like Jim is gonna need that therapist some more.

2. 1864. Frederick Douglas, President of the Grand Alliance of the Negro States of America, has ordered the enslavement of all white people. Terrified, people begin the long, dangerous journey to Canada. Can Louisa and her brothers make it to safety?

3. Wanda Wallaby dreams of competing in the Marsupial Olympics. Standing in her way is champion hurdler Kate Kangaroo. With help from her zany friends Eric Emu and Nelly Numbat, Wanda proves it ‘aint size that matters, it’s how far you can . . . Bound.

4. Bound together by chains, high school students Emma and Daniel are hurled back to a time without modern conveniences and can return only if they save a young woman from being murdered by her fiance.

5. Librarian Priscilla Lezer loves books too much. Her only family: biographies; her only dates: romances. When the county cuts spending, she’s laid off. Going home she buys a book: Demon’s Wish. She opens it and a demon grants her one wish. She wishes to return to the library. Priscilla awakens as a leather-bound book in the stacks.

6. As Josh Booth camps in the north woods, vampires capture him, binding him to a tree. He escapes and warns authorities but Detective Abby Lincoln says he’s crazy. When bodies--drained of blood--are found bound to other trees in the woods, Lincoln thinks Booth is the serial killer.



Original Version

Dear EvilEditor:

High school senior, Emma Harris, [Get rid of those commas.] is going crazy—at least, that’s what she thinks. Seeing a ghost that looks like a long-lost twin isn’t in her definition of “normal”. [Not clear whether she actually has a long-lost twin. If not, don't say "twin," just say she looks like Emma; if so, say "her" long-lost twin.] Already dealing with her stalker specter, Emma has to cope with the unwelcome (and dangerously welcome) [That's not working.] attention of the town bad-boy, Daniel Wyatt. She knows she should stay away like a good girlfriend, [Girlfriend of whom?] but is it really her fault when they keep bumping into each other? It has to be fate, right? [It feels like you've dropped the ghost thread in favor of the Daniel thread.]

Emma is about to learn that she and Daniel are bound together by chains much stronger—and harder to break— then [than] fate’s.

On the night of a high school dance, the ghost appears to Emma again. [On the one hand, you report in paragraph 1 that Emma sees a ghost, and now you report that she sees the ghost again. That makes me think she's seen the ghost twice. On the other hand, you call the ghost her stalker. How often is she seeing the ghost?] But, this time, [Get rid of those commas.] everything is different. Blood stains her dress like spilled ink, and she is scared. Very, very scared. [Wasted sentence.] Overcome with a compulsion so great, [No comma.] she has to fight for breath; [Change semicolon to comma.] Emma chases the bleeding ghost to the local cemetery. The very place where she first saw the specter. [The ghost and the specter are the same, right?]

There, she runs into Daniel, visiting his parents’ grave. [Both parents are in one grave?] The compulsion hits Emma again, just as the ghost appears. Desperate to be free of the compulsion, Emma reaches out and takes the ghost’s proffered hand. The last thing she hears is Daniel’s cry and his arms wrapping around her waist. Then, [No comma.] everything goes white.

Emma wakes up in an entirely different time and in an entirely different body. The ghost who had been stalking her is no longer a spirit, but a flesh and blood girl: Lucinda Sutton. [Not clear if you mean Emma is in Lucinda's body or some other girl's body.] [If it is Lucinda's body, I wouldn't call it an "entirely" different body; you did say they looked like twins.]

But Emma wasn’t the only one hurled back in time, Daniel was too. [Is he in a different body too? Wait, are they both in Lucinda's body?] They both realize that the only hope they have of getting home is bringing Lucinda and her forbidden lover together. [Not clear how they realize this, or how they know anything about Lucinda.] But Lucinda is already engaged. Engaged to the very man who may have been her killer.

Unless Emma can overcome Lucinda's treacherous suitor, a lack of modern day conveniences, [If everyone else in this time is surviving without TV remote controls, I don't see why we should sympathize with Emma on that count.] and a forbidden romance of her own...she may be stuck in the past forever. [Not clear how the inability to overcome a lack of conveniences and her own forbidden lover will affect whether she's stuck in the past forever.]

Complete at 69,000 words, BOUND is a paranormal young-adult novel.


Notes

I find it odd that Daniel would be in a cemetery at night.

This was too long and disorganized. This version has more clarity:

Dear Evil Editor:

High school senior Emma Harris has somehow attracted the attention of the town bad-boy, Daniel Wyatt. She knows she should stay away, but is it her fault they keep bumping into each other? It has to be fate, right? Emma is about to learn that she and Daniel are bound together by chains much stronger than fate’s.

On the night of a high school dance, a ghost appears to Emma, blood staining her dress like spilled ink. Emma follows the ghost to the local cemetery where she runs into Daniel, visiting his parents’ graves. When Emma takes the ghost’s proffered hand, Daniel tries to pull her away. And everything goes white.

Emma and Daniel find themselves in a different time and place. The ghost is no longer a spirit, but a flesh and blood girl: Lucinda Sutton. Emma and Daniel realize that their only hope of getting home is bringing Lucinda and her forbidden lover together. But Lucinda is already engaged--to the very man who may have been her killer.

Complete at 69,000 words, BOUND is a paranormal young-adult novel.


You might want to go further, and combine the first two paragraphs of my version into>

On the night of the senior prom, a ghost appears to Emma Harris, blood staining her dress like spilled ink. Emma follows the ghost to the local cemetery where her crush, Daniel Wyatt, just happens to be visiting his parents’ graves. When Emma takes the ghost’s proffered hand, Daniel tries to pull her away. And everything goes white.

That shortens the setup to one paragraph, allowing more room to tell us what happens in Lucinda's time. Do Emma and Daniel speak to Lucinda? If Emma is in Lucinda, does Lucinda have any consciousness? Do they know how to get home once they've united Lucinda and her true love? Is someone trying to prevent them from getting home?

What are Emma and Daniel supposed to do? Two people no one's ever seen before show up in town and no one's gonna object when they start butting into other people's business?

The title is too generic.

The story of the ghost of a murdered person who wants closure is pretty common. I think it happens once or twice a year on Supernatural. Usually the person was murdered recently and just wants the killer punished. If Emma and Daniel go back in time and prevent the murder, won't that alter history? Lucinda could hook up with her true love and they have a child who turns out to be a serial killer who murders Emma's great great great great grandparents.


It appears the following revised version was sent before (but received after) I posted the critique. Presumably it's the version the author would like feedback on.


Dear Evil Editor:

If you'd be so wonderful as to accept this edited query of mine, it'd be fantastic. Here it is:

Emma Harris knows ghosts don’t exist, but that doesn’t explain why she’s seeing one. One that looks like she could be Emma’s twin. To complicate matters, Emma has to cope with the equally undesirable attention of the town bad-boy, Daniel Wyatt.

On the night of the school dance, the ghost hurls Emma and Daniel back in time to 19th Century America, where the spirit is a flesh and blood girl: Lucinda Sutton.

After catching Lucinda kissing the stable hand, Emma and Daniel realize the ghost took them back in time for one reason: to help Lucinda and her lover get married. But there’s a catch. Lucinda is engaged to another man. The very man who may have been her killer.

Unless Emma can overcome Lucinda's treacherous suitor, a lack of modern day conveniences, and a forbidden romance of her own... She may be stuck in the past forever.

Complete at 6
9,000 words, BOUND is a paranormal young-adult novel.


This clears up many of my questions, and reads more clearly. Possibly some of my original comments will still apply.--EE

Face-Lift 993

Guess the Plot

The Soul Game

1. All the cool kids are at Robin's big house party, where new kid Damian is going to play with his band, Demonfyre. But when the music ends and the games start, why does everyone suddenly feel...lighter? Also, a totes jelly weeabo.

2. It's the 70's, and the show is so "mod" that it's "groovy." It's...Soul Game! But Charley the Zombie, who could never get anything right, made the mistake of airing it opposite this "hip" new show called Soooooul Train.

3. Two demons in hell have a game they play when they're bored which randomly determines which souls go 'up' and which ones go 'Down.' Until Satan and God discover their little game. Then all hell breaks loose.

4. The world has run out of souls. All people without souls are treated like slaves. Their only hope of becoming full people is to compete in the Soul Games for the soul of the deceased. Ginger has lost the games twice already, if she doesn’t win this time she will never get a soul.

5. For seventy-nine years Martha went to church, prayed, and tried not to cuss. Now that she's dead, She has found God--chuckling in front of a monster TV that has only one program; The Soul Game. Bitter at discovering that we are all just entertainment, she decides to pull his plug and give him a piece of her mind.

6. A demon is sent to Earth with a list of souls to corrupt. At the same time an angel is sent to Earth with the exact same list!



Original Version

Young demon Keira is sent up to Earth with a list of seven souls and a simple mission: to corrupt them. It's the career break she's been waiting for, so whether it means instigating bar room fights or worming her way into a target's life, she's determined to succeed. After all, there'll be Hell to pay if she doesn't.

The arrival of Nathan, an angel, makes things a bit trickier, especially when it turns out that he's after the exact same souls as she is. Keira needs to be clever to avoid getting sent back to the Pit, but no demon worth her horns is going to let some feather-brained do-gooder get the better of her.

However, just when she's getting the hang of it all, a young boy, the most important soul on the list, goes missing, and angel and demon have to work together to find him. Working against Nathan was bad enough. Working with him might just finish her, especially when he's not just trying to stop her - he's trying to save her. It's enough to make her priorities waver, a dangerous prospect when her demonic supervisors are still breathing down the back of her neck.

Besides, demons are beyond redemption.

Right?

THE SOUL GAME, an 85,000 word Young Adult Paranormal novel, is my début. The synopsis and full or partial manuscript is available on request. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

Why, this is . . . delightful. Well done.

I'm stuck with little to do other than pick nits.

Paragraph 1:
s1: Delete "to."
s2: Either dump your examples, leaving: It's the career break she's been waiting for, and she's determined to succeed. Or replace your examples with better ones. I don't see how Keira instigating a barroom (one word) fight corrupts anyone's soul. Maybe seducing a faithful husband or serving ham salad at a bar mitzvah. Funny examples are probably best; they don't need to be examples from the book.


Paragraph 2:
s1: Delete ", especially," "that," "exact," and "as."



Paragraph 3:
s1: Delete "However,". I'd change "have to" to "must." Is there a reason angel and demon must work together to find the boy (that you can include without needing three more sentences)? Is it just, Let's split up; we can cover more ground that way? That won't work, because whoever finds him isn't gonna inform the other one. But searching together isn't much more efficient than searching alone. Unless the boy was kidnapped by a creature that can't be killed by just an angel or just a demon.

s4: Delete "still" and "the back of."

No need to declare it's your debut, and no need for the accent in debut if you do declare it.

Face-Lift 971

Guess the Plot

Christina RIP

1. Hopeful writer Christina Brown considers herself a Rowling in potentia, and that's how she signs her query letters: "Christina, RIP". But it's not working. So she comes up with a new plan: she'll deliver her queries in person, as Strip-o-Grams. Law enforcement ensues.

2. You work your whole life to get ahead, to make a home for you and your family, to have something decent for a change...and then the miserable whore goes and sleeps with half the neighborhood because she's 'lonely'. Well, "Mr. There-For-You" wasn't, when I had the gun, was he? Enjoy your dirt nap, bitch.

3. Though a host of YA novels have convinced Christina that after her suicide her life will really get interesting, and everyone will be sorry they were mean to her, that turns out not to be the case. Instead, she's doomed to an eternity haunting the school lunch room listening to the Mean Girls say mean things about her.

4. Christina, RIP. Has a problem. No matter how she manages her diet, she can't stop farting, RIIIIP. Nobody will sit next to her in class, RI-RI-RIIIIP; and she's a pariah in the lunch room, rip. Just when it seems it can't, POOT, get any worse for Christina, RIP. She gets invited to the cute quarterback's firework party, RIIIIP, KA-BOOOM!

5. Being dead hasn't brought Christina peace, so she takes possession of her cousin Tiffany's body. Tiff always hated Christie, so she'll do anything to drive her back out. Conflict ensues. Also, an evil witch.

6. At the funeral of their classmate Christina, several students reflect on what they could have done to prevent her suicide. Pretty much all of them had a hand in it. They agree to get together later that night for a party.


Original Version

I am offering my novel, CHRISTINA RIP for your consideration.

Christie’s life took a turn for the strange after she died. She can see and hear people, but nobody is aware of her presence. [I believe the technical term for her condition is "ghost."] Her best friend blames herself for Christie’s demise, [Technical term: "murderer."] but Christie herself has no memory of what happened. [I'm starting to wonder why the title isn't Christie: RIP.]

Her nerdy spirit guide is no help, dispensing confusing information about what she needs to do to pass to the “next level”. [The levels after death include ghost, zombie and vampire. Possibly you go ghost-zombie-ghost, as your spirit wouldn't know you were going to become a zombie till after you were a ghost (you go back to ghost when someone shoots you in the face or cuts off your head). With vampire, the spirit knows you'll be a vampire because it saw a vampire bite your neck, so the first ghost level is set aside until someone manages to drive a wooden stake through your heart. Eventually everyone's a ghost and the next level, according to the Doctor Strange saga (see Marvel Premiere #8-10, 1973, in which The Ancient One dies) is becoming one with eternity.] Maybe the joke about not wanting to be ‘seen dead’ with a geek like him wasn’t such a good idea after all. Seems there’s a family curse, involving her evil witch Nonna. [Her evil witch? What does that mean?] And if Christie doesn’t want to fade to nothing for eternity, she needs to lift the curse.

But she is experiencing increasingly longer periods of nothingness, and figures that unless she can undo the curse pronto, she will fade away forever. [You just said that in the previous sentence.]

So when her cousin Tiffany organises a séance, Christie takes this opportunity to possess her. [Ghosts can possess people only during seances? Convenient that Tiffany is staging one.] But even back inside a body, answers still aren’t that easy to find. [No need to say "still" when you've already said "even." Also, "that" can go.] Christie needs to ease her bestie’s guilt, and undo the family curse, all the while struggling to keep control of Tiffany’s body. Tiffany hated her while she was alive, and hates her more now she’s taken over her, so will do anything to drive Christie out. [Terrible sentence. Better to drop it than to fix it.]

Christina, RIP is a 70,000 word YA paranormal with comedy elements.


Notes

Why is Tiffany organizing a seance? Surely not to talk to someone she hated.

This needs a major organizational overhaul. The setup:

Christie doesn't remember how she came to be dead. All she knows is that her best friend blames herself, and that a family curse is preventing her spirit from moving on to the next level. According to her nerdy spirit guide, she will fade to nothingness if she can't lift the curse.

The conflict:

Breaking the curse and easing her friend's guilt will be easier in human form, so Christie takes possession of her cousin Tiffany's body. Tiffany hated Christie when she was alive, and she's none-too-happy about this new arrangement. She'll do anything short of killing herself to drive Christie out.

The wrap-up:

Wherein you tell us how Christie plans to deal with her problem, what goes wrong, etc.

Face-Lift 958

Guess the Plot

Hard Nox

1. The true story of the Greek economy and how it ruined everybody's future. Plus a guy named Ulysses uses sex, drugs, and rock n roll to forget his losses and catapult himself into the new decade.

2. A young American stands convicted of murdering her British roommate in Italy. But is she really innocent? Pretty much impossible to tell at this point. Change the channel, wouldja?

3. Hard Nox, a super hero recently out of the closet, has to raise parts of Japan by two feet, use his super breath to cool the nuclear reactors then push Antarctica back to the South Pole. Then he has an 11 o'clock with Evil Editor to discuss flying Mrs. V around the world on her Tweet Tour. Only Hard Nox can keep her on schedule.

4. The School of Hard Nox is open for applications for the 2012 academic year, offering majors in "You Dont Realise How Lucky You Are"; "When I was Your Age..." and "What Kids These Days Need Is A Good War To Knock Some Sense Into Them."

5. Everyone Nox loves dies—her parents, her brother, even her goldfish. She'd love to find true love, but she's terrified of getting close to people . . . until she finally meets a guy with nothing to fear—The Grim Reaper.

6. Thanks to that new PhD, Assistant Professor Vince Ludlow can teach his first art history course with an international field trip. But once they get to Greece, his party-happy undergrads ply him with liquor and leave him on the beach and now he's surrounded by Minotaur dudes with swords who seem to be calling him Odysseus.

7. When made man Paulie O'Shear finds his wife dead in the garage, apparently of suicide by NOx poisoning, he gets sucked into a world of conspiracy, intrigue, and murder. Oh wait. He's a made man. He's already in that world.

8. Phil Evert, biochemist, is studying the impact of transdimensional gates on the environment. Mistaken for a spy on the non-earth side, he escapes with the help of a real spy and discovers invasion plans.

9. Life as a wizard is so difficult. Especially when you're also a rock star, like Vince Spector. Just as he reaches the top of the charts with his band, Hard Nox, along comes Mary Dalton, the most clever, dangerous, and sexy witch-hunter in the modern world.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Nox Somner is a human lightning rod for tragedy. Everyone she loves dies—her parents, foster parents, brother, even her goldfish. She is terrified of getting close to people until she meets someone with nothing to fear—The Grim Reaper.

The boy Nox loves is next to die, but Grim will spare Memphis if she helps Grim out of a tiny jam. [That's one ruthless guy if he's threatening to destroy Memphis if Nox won't do him a tiny favor.] A lost bet led to Grim's boatman hiding out as a teenager at Nox’s High School for the past year. [Did the boatman win the bet or lose it?] [What were the terms of this bet?

Grim Reaper: If the Cyclopses beat the Phoenixes, you can have my scythe.

Boatman: And if the Phoenixes win?

Grim Reaper: You have to go to high school in Memphis.]

Now he refuses to return. The stack-up of souls this side of the River Styx is becoming dangerous to the living. [Especially the ones in Memphis.]

To save Memphis, [I've been to Memphis. Trust me, the place is a lost cause.] she must convince the Boatman to go back. He can’t be taken against his will so she tries to bargain with him, but the only thing he wants in exchange for his return is Nox's love. If she won’t offer herself up, she has to kill him. [Maybe he'd take a riverboat. They pull into Memphis all the time. Here's a shot of the Memphis Queen III.

And here's a shot of what the Boatman's been using.

Tell me a riverboat wouldn't make the Boatman's job a lot easier. Nox should offer him a riverboat before she offers herself. I think he'd jump at it.]

Easy as falling off a ladder. She just has to get close enough to let her bad luck strike. But the closer she gets to the Boatman, the harder it becomes to trade this boy who understands her better than anyone else ever will for the one who will never love her back. [Which one is the Boatman? The one who understands her? It would be less confusing if you didn't refer to the Boatman as a boy, as he's merely disguised as a boy. Or, instead of "this boy" and "the one," use their names.] And now it may be too late to change her mind.

HARD NOX is a 77,000-word YA Paranormal set in River Styx, Ohio and my debut novel. A native Ohioan, I grew up not far from River Styx and the setting is largely based on my childhood hometown. [There's an actual place called River Styx? Ah, Wikipedia reveals that it's known for its market and a cemetery. Is it near a river? Because they're missing out on big tourist dollars if they don't have a Boatman taking people across the river. It would be worth diverting the nearest river to River Styx just for the tourism cash if there isn't already a river. The Boatman would rake in big tip money. I can't believe no one's thought of this yet.] Should you wish to read more, I would be delighted to send you sample chapters or a full manuscript.

Thank you for your time,


Notes

Your characters are Nox, Memphis and The Boatman? Does the Boatman have a name? Is it Charon? Does anyone in this Ohio community have a normal name?

If she won’t offer herself up, she has to kill him. What good does it do Nox to kill the Boatman? Memph dies if she doesn't get the Boatman to return to his job, right?

The query is okay up until the sentence If she won’t offer herself up, she has to kill him. From that point on it's not clear. Even if it were crystal clear it would just be a further description of the setup. You could tell us what happens. How does Nox (short for Obnoxious) plan to resolve her dilemma? What goes wrong?

Face-Lift 951

Guess the Plot

The Travelers

1. Raels travels from Australia to attend college, and meets other travelers. But these travelers become obsessed with her. Two of them just want to get her in the sack, but one of them wants her dead, because she's a danger to all of . . . the Travelers.

2. Some of the gods hang out in heavenly Olympus. Others are Travelers who roam the universe and make occasional visits to our world to cause trouble, get laid, do battle, whatever. This is their story according to a talking Liverpool cat who was formerly Prime Minister of England.

3. Take one map, one car, a girl with no sense of direction, a mysterious hitchhiker and toss out the map. Wherever The Travelers go, trouble and romance follow.

4. When Mark and Mason Colbert, the twin singers who founded the 60's folk group "The Travelers", are found stuffed together in an antique steamer trunk, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: someone took the group's old song "Bound Together" a little too literally; and he'll be stuck dealing with aged hippies all weekend.

5. A scrappy band of exiles from planet Zora-nai agree to transport land-dwellers infected with the Red Plague across hostile skies to quarantine in exchange for a full reprieve. But the Plague looks curiously like political dissent, and reprieve looks less and less tempting.

6. Mo, Dixie and their week-old daughter Sunsprout hop a Greyhound from Utica, New York to Seattle, Washington. But when they get off in Billings, Montana to buy diapers, they find themselves mistaken for spies who've come to trade Soviet-era nuclear weapons for gold stolen from Fort Knox.


Original Version

Dear [Agent],

I am seeking representation for my 100,000-word young adult paranormal novel, The Travelers, a story about an Australian girl who discovers a link between two handsome students and ghost stories in her college town.

When 18-year old Raels starts her freshman year at Algonquin University, strange things happen from the moment she steps off the train. A shockingly attractive stranger guides her to her dormitory, then vanishes in mid-air. [Was he/she in midair during the entire trip to the dormitory? Because if someone hovering in midair offered to guide me somewhere, I'd hail a cab.] [There are enough attractive people in the world that I doubt it would be shocking to encounter one.] Dark shapes seem to follow her through the forest when she goes jogging. [I thought this was a list of strange things that happened as soon as she stepped off the train. Why is she jogging through a forest?] The mystery turns sinister [What is the mystery?] one night when she witnesses a woman pushing a man off of Ulysses Tower—but when she peers over the edge, there’s no body below. [He vanished in midair. Happens a lot in this place.] [Isn't it odd for a freshman girl to be on top of a tower at night? That sounds more like a sophomore guy thing.]

Masquerading as PhD students, Zane and Severin are actually members of an elite group of djinn who sojourn in the human world. They call themselves Travelers. Witty, sly, charismatic and cruel, Zane thinks he has seen it all before. Aloof and quietly observant, Severin is Zane’s protégé. [I'd dump these adjective lists and focus on what happens.] But neither knows what to make of Raels, a human who has an aura almost like the djinn. Zane and Severin's friendship is put to the test when they both start pursuing her.

Like _Twilight_ or Becca Fitzpatrick’s_ Hush Hush_, this [book could be a huge moneymaker, possibly for you. It] is a story about [You already said what it was a story about in the first paragraph. Choose the description you like best and live with it.] an ordinary girl [I don't think a girl with a djinnish aura qualifies as ordinary.] who discovers around her a hidden world of powerful, attractive, and sometimes dangerous creatures. There is a mystery to unravel: who are these beautiful men with pale eyes, and what are their designs on the girl? And there is also an unfolding romance, one which is threatened when an unknown Traveler decides that Raels is a danger to all djinn.

The novel’s fictional college town is based on Princeton University, where I studied [and first encountered Travelers hovering in midair]. [And here I thought it was based on Algonquin College, in Ottawa. This is like saying it's set at fictional Harvard, based on Yale. Sort of.] I currently teach anthropology at a university in Australia and I am the author of an award-winning nonfiction book published by University of Texas Press. Unfortunately, this may not be of much help in marketing the novel [But it will help when they're making the movie trailer: From the producer of The Hangover and the director of Lord of the Rings and the writer of The Archaeology and Anthropology of Aboriginal Society comes . . . ] since the overlap between readers of ethnography and paranormal genre fiction is not huge (if the snickers of my colleagues are anything to go by), [Your colleagues are idiots. Paranormal fans are into vampires, wolfmen, zombies and Bulgarians, four of the leading ethnography . . . things.] but I will shamelessly promote the book amongst the 1000+ students I teach every year [Welcome to Anthropology 101. The three textbooks for this class will be Introduction to Cultural Anthropology, The Human Species: a New Perspective, and The Travelers.] [You claim you teach 1000+ students about Anthropology every year? Maybe fiction is the right field for you.] with promises of extra credit for anyone who reviews it on Goodreads.com. [Do they have to read it or just review it?] ["I gave your fucking Travelers five stars on Goodreads! And you give me a C?!! WTF?"]

Thanks for your time and consideration. Enclosed are a short synopsis and the first three chapters. Please let me know if you would like to review the full manuscript.

Sincerely, etc


Notes

Once you've set up the situation, you lapse into listiness and vagueness. What's the story? What happens? Who is Raels (really), what danger is she in, what is she gonna do about it, and what happens if she fails? Don't describe the book's aura; tell the story.

Face-Lift 870

Guess the Plot

The Facility

1. Ever since birth, Jojo has heard of a marvelous place where all go when they are old enough. But when Rango returns and says it's not a retirement paradise but a slaughterhouse, will Jojo listen? Or will she board the truck marked HORMEL?

2. When the Parkville basketball team falls behind by 26 points in the homecoming game, the gymnasium bursts an underground pipe that kills 3 starters from the other team. Home-court advantage has never been so deadly as it is in . . . The Facility.

3. After decades of economic ruin, Blue Valley welcomes a new biotech factory. Everyone who wants a job gets a job. But what they're producing is top secret. When Chad Dunford realizes the glowing substance he stirs all week is radioactive, he risks all to discover the horrifying truth about . . . The Facility.

4. When Holly suddenly starts causing anyone who gets within 3.67 feet of her to drop dead, she is placed in a facility where teens with special powers are observed by psychologists. But the facility has sinister plans for the teens, as Holly learns from a time traveler from the future.

5. The Omega Institute is where underperforming sous chefs go for "retraining." Valerie Baker is determined to escape, but her route is impeded by tunnels of mutant sticky buns, pits of mushy pasta, and an obstacle course of Rocky Mountain Oysters.

6. In a bid to raise sufficient funds to realize his ambitions in the chicken & egg trade, farmer Jason Thompson offers tours of his haunted outhouse at a very reasonable rate. All is marvelous -- until the ghost demands a share of the profits.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

On the 20th February 2012 thirteen teenagers living in the south of England suddenly displayed unnatural powers. In the interest of public safety the Government took them into custody, placing them in a medical facility for observation.

Fifteen year old Holly Lawson’s sheltered life is shattered when, after a heated argument with her mother, all living things within a 44 inch radius drop down dead. [That's an awfully precise measurement. I wouldn't want to be the subject of an experiment in which they tell me to get within 46 inches to see if I drop dead, and when I don't, they say, Okay, now try 45...] She is knocked out [by a guy with a 50-inch baseball bat,] and taken to the facility after accidently [sp.] killing her parents, two paramedics and a police officer. [She needs to wear a sign that says Stay back 45 inches; not responsible for death or damaged windshields.] Regaining consciousness she is wracked with guilt, which isn’t helped when the older brother she idolised calls her a murderer and refuses her phone calls, cutting her off from the outside world.

She resigns herself to life inside the facility, slowly learning how to control her new power [Is she trying to increase the 44-inch radius? Decrease it? Does she want to be able to decide which people within 44 inches drop dead, and which don't? It wasn't made clear that this was a useful power rather than an affliction. It's easier to kill someone with a long-range rifle or a grenade than by sending Holly to get within 44 inches.] and finding friendship amongst the other teens. Nate, a seventeen year old fire starter seems to understand her better than the team of psychologists assigned to her case. She begins to trust him, and they look forward to one day being free of the facility [and starting a one-stop assisted suicide and cremation service].

When Holly finds an older and very different Nate in her bedroom one night, she is at first shocked to discover that he can time travel. [Even more shocking is his confession that he started the Great London Fire of 1666 and the Great Chicago Fire of 1871.] He tells her that he has come back from the future to warn Holly of the facility’s sinister plans for the teens. The future Nate is completely different from the present one, and Holly finds it difficult to place her trust in someone so cold and calculating.

When the facility’s security is breached, cutting off the systems that keep the teen’s [teens'?] powers in check, Holly must decide where her loyalty lies. Siding with her fellow teens could lead them all to a future where their powers are used for evil. [I would have thought the opposite--not siding with the teens could lead to a bleak future. Didn't future Nate mention whether it was the status quo or a teen revolt that led to the apocalypse?] But the other option means setting loose the devastating power she has vowed never to use again.

THE FACILITY is paranormal YA novel which is complete at 65,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration


Notes

You talk about Holly "using" her power. Does using it simply mean purposely getting within 44 inches of someone?

I wouldn't mind knowing what future Nate claims will happen, so we know what's at stake.

I don't see any need for the first paragraph. A few minor tweaks of the 2nd paragraph will take care of whatever dropping the 1st paragraph loses.

Also, if you want the story to be set in the future, you might choose a year further ahead than 2012, as the book may not come out till 2013.

If I were future Nate, coming back with a warning for the teens, I might give that warning to present Nate instead of Holly. Better yet, time travel to when the evil mastermind of the facility was a child and kill him.

Face-Lift 810

Guess the Plot

Wayward

1. A meta-literary romp in which the author meanders plotlessly--until the characters revolt and plot against him! Unfortunately, their plot involves him bagging his writing career and getting a nine to five job!!

2. When Deanna gets lost on a hike in the Pyrenees, she stumbles into a pristine painted cave, a cave occupied by . . . cannibal cavemen!! Can she convince them she's their goddess before they decide she's . . . their dessert?!

3. Jolana has spent her life in prayer, fasting, and meditation on the holy book The Way of Rom. Which is why she's taken aback when Rom shows up at her convent . . . as a beer swilling eighty-year-old woman with a taste for younger men and terrible puns!!

4. After Helena Wayward suddenly develops magical powers, she runs away to work on her motorcycle. Her family plead with her to return and kill . . . an immortal sorcerer! But Helena knows that once the sorcerer's out of the way, her family will be able to . . . enslave the human race!!

5. "Got no class and take no sass" is the motto of Dakota McGill, a 23-year-old former runaway. But will she change her tune when handsome sheriff Joe Karodzik needs her help in solving . . . a rash of alien abductions?! A little voice keeps telling her No . . . in Martian!!

6. Minerva has always been wayward: cigarettes at thirteen, booze at fourteen, and motherhood at fifteen! That, however, proves to be only apprentice waywardness, for when she turns sixteen, she experiences . . . the waywardness of the undead!!



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

The Wayward family is the Cosa Nostra of all things that go bump in the night: magical malfeasance, soul stealing, show business -- you name it. Born without magic, seventeen-year-old Helena "Hex" Wayward is an embarrassment to her power-hungry relatives. When her dormant magic erupts in an uncontrollable display that kills a member of a rival family she has to make a choice: embrace the powers that threaten to destroy her soul or run away to escape the inevitable vengeance. [The show biz joke isn't working because "things that go bump in the night" isn't strong enough. If you want it to work, you could change it to . . . all things inherently evil: black magic, soul stealing, show business . . . But I don't think you want to open with a joke when the story is about a serious threat to all of humanity. Thus I would go with something like this:

The Wayward family are the Corleones of the black arts. And seventeen-year-old Helena "Hex" Wayward, born without magic, has long been an embarrassment to her power-hungry relatives. When Hex's dormant magic suddenly erupts--in an uncontrollable display that kills a member of a rival family--she must choose: embrace powers that could destroy her soul; or flee inevitable vengeance.]

Life hidden amongst the humans isn't so bad. The boys are cute, there's plenty of time to work on her beloved motorcycle [, the boys are really cute,] and no one's tried to kill her for at least a month. [Did I mention that the boys are cute?] When the past finally catches up with her, instead of the expected attack, an emissary comes bearing an offer. The families need her power to settle a centuries-old feud that will finally cement their control over the entire world. In exchange for her help, Hex will be left in peace.

Returning to her old life is easier than it should be. [Possibly because she doesn't have a steady boyfriend yet, possibly because she accidentally kills every boy she goes out with.] But when she comes face-to-face with the enemy, an immortal sorceror [sorcerer] who is equal parts seductive and deadly, fulfilling her part of the bargain becomes less than simple. [Killing the immortal always looks simpler than it is.] He calls to the terrible darkness inside of her but destroying him will remove the only barrier between the magical families and enslaving the human race. Sparing him means having what's left of her own humanity consumed. [Not clear. I would think sparing him means she can go back to the cute boys and her motorcycle, with no fear that all humanity will become slaves, while destroying him, thus causing the enslavement of humanity, would consume her remaining humanity.]

WAYWARD is a YA paranormal novel, complete at 75,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration.


Notes

It's well-written, but perhaps it needs an indication that Hex has grown attached to the human world, instead of the claim that returning to her own world is easy.

I don't see why these two (or more) highly experienced magical families are helpless against the sorcerer, but this one girl who's shown no ability to control her magic is much more powerful than the sorcerer. What's so special about her?

You claim the families need Hex's power to settle a centuries-old feud, but from what I can see she is there to destroy the sorcerer, not to settle a feud. What does the sorcerer have to do with the feud? What are they feuding about?

Does "wayward" describe Helena, or is that the title just because her last name is Wayward? It's kind of a ridiculous last name, one that sounds like it was chosen just to match what you wanted the title to be. The main character of Dostoyevsky's The Idiot isn't Prince Lev Nikolayevich Idiot. That would sound even sillier than Helena Wayward. John Jakes wrote a novel called The Bastard, but his main character was named Philip Kent, not Philip Bastard. Think about it.

Face-Lift 559

Guess the Plot

Dewey's Robe

1. By day, he's a geeky library assistant whose sole excitement is to sneak looks at the old National Geographics. But by night, he dons his Robe Of Librarianship and becomes like unto a god. Can he correctly shelve the 300s before his boss deduces what's happening?

2. All Dewey got from his Grandpa's estate was a stupid black robe. It isn't even a magic robe . . . or is it? Also, a rapping vampire.

3. As a middle-aged accountant, Dewey Drake has come to accept the mind-numbing routine of his daily life. Wake up, stare at his newspaper over breakfast, go to work, come home, stare at the evening news over dinner. When he survives a car wreck that leaves him disfigured, his niece brings him a robe at the hospital, a robe that will change his life--and hers--forever.

4. Born with two penises, Dewey has his hands full during puberty. Then fate intervenes, in the form of beautiful conjoined twins Sabra and Sharra. Fame and fortune follow, but will there ever be true happiness behind . . . Dewey’s Robe?

5. Reading a diary given her by a man named Dewey Beechcraft, a woman realizes the diary's author is . . . herself, from a past life. Now Dewey's trying to tell her his robe is needed for the soul to leave the body. Of course, does anyone want their soul to leave their body badly enough to put on some old geezer's bathrobe?

6. When a young woman's Uncle Dewey, just before dying, tells her to find his robe and put it on, she has no idea she'll be transported to the mysterious land of Trumbodha, where she'll be hailed as the new queen. She's also unaware that the queen is expected to lead the army into battle the next day.


Original Version

Dear Mr. Ed (Editor),

In 'Dewey's Robe', a paranormal mystery about reincarnation and a woman's reluctant spiritual journey, the sins of the past are neither forgotten nor forgiven, and the desire for revenge transcends death.

Dewey Beechcraft is that favorite Uncle everyone wishes they had. He's also an enlightened soul and for thirty-four years, he's protected his niece, Louisa, from the entity that's trying to kill her. [Any entity that's been trying to kill someone for 34 years, and hasn't yet succeeded, is giving all entities a bad name.] [That sounded familiar. A search of the blog reveals that I use the same gag whenever I don't buy how long something takes (Click on chart to enlarge. If that doesn't work, let me know and I'll convert to normal text.):

To him, it's imperative her life--this life--not be cut short before she can learn what she needs to. [Which is what?] When the entity's attack puts him in the hospital, he realizes he's weakening and it's time to tell Louisa the truth.

As a skeptic and rationalist, she can't believe him...it must be another of his fabulous stories, or he hallucinated. [You don't need to be a skeptic or a rationalist to doubt someone who claims he's been protecting you from an entity for 34 years.

Dewey: I'm not long for this world. I'm afraid I can no longer protect you.

Louisa: Protect me? From what?

Dewey: An entity.

Louisa: An entity? What kind of entity?

Dewey: Just an entity.] Then Dewey gives her a diary that details all her childhood recurring nightmares--written by a girl who died two years before Louisa was born. This 'so-called' proof of a previous life, along with the strange smells and visions and dreams, and the return of those old nightmares, strains her convictions.

Dewey urges Louisa to reconcile with her estranged parents. She is blessed (or cursed, as the case may be) with powerful empathy, sometimes so strong she can't tell where her feelings end and other people's begin. He wants her to develop this untapped ability, to refine it and expand it and use it to understand others, including her aunt and cousin and ex-boyfriend. Doubtfully, for his sake, she does as he asks, and finds she can reconcile herself to those old hurts and betrayals with understanding and forgiveness.

When the entity possesses Dewey and goes after her family--laying bare their secrets and distorting the truth, determined to drive them to self-destruction--[After 34 years of trying to kill Louisa, the entity realizes her family is eager to to the job for him.] she will have to stop him. She will have to resolve the past...a past she doesn't even remember, or he will destroy everyone she loves. In a harrowing out-of-body experience, she'll discover what she did to make him pursue her so relentlessly and will learn the one thing he wants from her--the one thing she can't possibly give--her companionship, alive or dead.

Dewey's Robe is 117,000 words, third person, multiple POV. Having read your blog, I'm hoping this might appeal to you. My short fiction appeared in Twilight Zone Magazine; my other sales were non-fiction. I am a news director at WCSH-TV. Thanks for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

[Author's note: Dewey's robe enables the soul to leave the body.]



Notes

This could stand to be shorter. As it happens, the paragraph in which I made no comments can be tossed. Just insert the word "empathic" in front of "niece" in paragraph 2, and you've salvaged the only important point from the boring paragraph.

It could be made more specific, as well. What does Dewey want Louisa to learn? What does the entity want revenge for? What are the family secrets?

Dewey must be more than just "enlightened" if he can hold off something trying to kill Louisa for 34 years. Doesn't he ever sleep? What are his powers? Either he has powers or the entity is a wuss.

I'm not sure I'd call it a mystery. It could be some sort of dark fantasy. Without knowing what the entity is, it's hard to say.

That was the last query in the queue. If you've been wavering on whether to submit yours, now's the time to take the leap.