Face-Lift 1019

Guess the Plot

Mysta

1. When retired chemist Roger Gusty begins converting his farts into ghosts, his love affair with octagenarian heiress Madeleine Crinkly takes a disturbing new turn. Set in a crumbling mansion, this hair-raising tale literally stinks.

2. Dolores knows she's going to die. That's because she's a Mysta, or "Mystic Sista," one of a sisterhood of urban psychics. Her daughter Rosalie is having trouble accepting the inevitable, so the Mystas take her on a road trip. Psychic revelations ensue.

3. Supermodel "Mysta" starts having memories of a past life as a Valkyrie warrior goddess. Then her friend Kieran declares that he's actually an ancient warrior. Kieran's brother, a Navy SEAL shows up, and both brothers want Mysta. But can she figure out which one of them is possessed by a demon who wants to wreak havoc on mankind?

4. Mystie, a Bostonian with a secret, finally achieves her lifelong dream of becoming a parochial school teacher. But her new career is in jeopardy when her nosy students figure out that Mystie is actually a Mysta.

5. Evil Elf Lysander Farklebean finds true love in a fog when the vaporite maiden Mysta helps him navigate to the Ivy Isle, thereby escaping the clutches of the angry King Comytell, father of the spiteful Princess Pearly, who wants Lysander's head on a platter, because he snatched the golden virginity she was keeping in the cupboard. But how long can the new happiness last?

6. In a nearly empty strip mall, the only occupied storefront is for a laser-tag arena, Mysta. Not much happens there, until smoldering corpses drilled with neat, cauterized holes start piling up in the parking lot.

7. Mysta is the fad of the moment only no one can agree what exactly it is: A drink? A drug? A celebrity? Only Pansy knows it's an invasion from another dimension where mind control satellites, death rays, and fate controlled by astrology are real.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor

An attack by a jilted rock star-turned-stalker nearly kills Supermodel Mysta. After surgery to repair her crushed larynx, she’s sure the drugs [The drugs? "Her painkillers" or whatever would be more specific.] are causing memories of a past life as Myst, Valkyrie warrior goddess.

Until she displays paranormal powers related to this previous existence. ["Until" suggests that she stops believing the drugs are causing memories of a past life as a Valkyrie warrior goddess when she displays paranormal powers. I would expect these powers to confirm that she has goddess DNA.] [Also, what are her powers?]

The assault reunites her with old friend, Kieran Sigard, [Change his name to Koren Sierkegaard.] who assures [her] he is her prior love, the warrior Sigvarðr. [Did he just find this out, or has he been keeping it from her? Did she tell him about her memories before he told her this?


How that conversation went if she told him first:

Mysta: I've been having these strange visions or dreams or memories of myself as a Valkyrie warrior goddess named Myst.

Kieran: I . . . see . . . Hey, guess what, I'm an ancient Icelandic warrior myself. So you have nothing to worry about. Excuse me, I just remembered there's something I need to tell your doctor before I disappear forever.


How that conversation went if she didn't tell him first:

Kieran: I'm glad you've recovered form the attack on your voice box. By the way, I'm the warrior Sigvarðr, your love from a past life.

Mysta: Welcome to Earth. I have just one question. What's that little thing over the "o" in your warrior name?]

She longs for the passion they share–[Who are "they"?] that is until his Navy SEAL brother arrives. Lieutenant Commander Kaelan Sigard [Giving your children two such similar names may not be uncommon, especially if they're twins, but giving two key characters in the same book such similar names is going to cause confusion.] is temptation incarnate, and offers protection when assassination and kidnapping attempts are made. [It's always nice to have a Navy SEAL visiting you when assassins attack. Especially if, in a past life, the Navy SEAL was Thor.] That isn’t the only thing he offers, but his indifference regarding a lasting relationship compels her to keep her distance. He thrives on a challenge, refusing to give up. This sparks a dormant [awakens a latent] rivalry between brothers, mixing a recipe for disaster as [and] they begin a deadly competition to win her. [Define "deadly."]

Unbeknownst to Mysta, a demon is using one of the brothers for its own centuries-old nefarious scheme. [This just keeps getting better.] [Amazingly, this demon with a centuries-old nefarious scheme somehow doesn't seem as out of place as the Navy SEAL.] It blames her for being cast into the underworld, intends to steal her powers, and wreak havoc on mankind. [Can you really steal someone's powers? Powers aren't like false teeth, that you leave in a cup on the bedside table overnight. Ah, research reveals that a supervillain known as The Parasite stole Superman's powers once. And a mythical staff on exhibit in Metropolis had the ability to steal Superman’s powers and transfer them to some evil character. It was up to Batman to locate and rescue Superman. How humiliating for the Man of Steel to have to be rescued by Batman, with his silly toys like his batarangs and bat pellets.]

As the young woman deciphers [investigates] her past, a twist of events causes her present love to [Kieran/Kaelin] become[s] possessed by the very demon she must destroy. [Which brother is her present love?] This heartbreaking challenge [dilemma] could be her unraveling.

MYSTA, my completed paranormal romantic suspense of approximately 92,500 words, is the first in a series where the couple [What couple?] becomes a paranormal investigative team. In book two, while investigating the homicide of a friend’s relative, ties to the underworld are discovered, luring the couple [Mysta and Kieran or Mysta and Kaelan?] into a devastating trap. In book three, Mysta is a month away from delivering their first baby when she is abducted by those who wish to use her, and her child, for evil purposes. [Never mind books 2 and 3 for now. It has series potential is enough.]

My short story, MURDER IN MIDTOWN, has been accepted for an anthology to be published later this year.

Thank you for your creative criticism. I look forward to being publicly ridiculed soon.

Sincerely,


Notes

At first reading, one could think, Why does this demon think this supermodel is responsible for casting him into the underworld? If you refer to the demon as a Norse demon, and perhaps give it a Norse demon name, it won't sound like an anachronism to those who consider demons a Christian idea. Did she cause the demon to be cast into the underworld? If so, say so instead of saying it blames her. You can say it wants revenge on her for sending it to the underworld.

It's a romance, but I'm not sure who the romantic couple is. It sounds like Mysta wants a lasting relationship with Kaelin and only stays away because he's indifferent. So when the brothers enter into a rivalry for her, Kieran might not want to be involved with her, knowing she has the hots for his brother. Which is why I can't be sure which brother she ends up with. And for some reason you're not telling.

I wasn't thinking Kieran had any interest in Mysta. Is he an old boyfriend or just an old friend?

We can do without the stalker/larynx bit. She doesn't understand why she's experiencing strange visions, but when she develops X-ray vision and super strength there can be only one explanation: she's the reincarnation of a Valkyrie warrior goddess.

Face-Lift 760

Guess the Plot

Nothing Is What It Seems

1. . . . including this book. Nestled inside the cut-out pages is a Colt .45, two seven-round magazines and a roll of hundred dollar bills. I'm Ben Darkley, literary private eye, and I know how to handle overly aggressive wannabe writers.

2. When Debbie Ryman starts work on a new account, she doesn't know her world is about to turn upside down. Turns out her client is a secret society out to conquer the world, her new husband is a CIA agent working to stop them, and her mother-in-law is a demonic, soul-sucking hell-beast. (Well, technically, that last one is exactly what it seems.)

3. First Maya goes to her husband's funeral, but there's no body in the casket. Then her new boyfriend turns out to be a rogue FBI agent hunting her "dead" husband, whose name "just happens" to be an anagram of Evil Satan. It's all par for the course in a town where . . . Nothing is what it seems.

4. Millie thought she was buying a book. What she was buying was a brain washing program designed by the shadowy organization that secretly controls every government in the world. Fortunately, she's a conspiracy theorist.

5. Down is up! Cats are dogs! Mice are toasters! Exclamation points are question marks! Can Emilio escape from this Bizarro world with his priceless violin intact, or will he be trapped forever as a sousaphonist?

6. Pigs flying on dragons and lipstick tubes offering cosmetic advice and that's not all Dannie encounters after falling through a manhole cover in New York City. If only she can get out before Man Croc, ruler of the underground cesspool, forces her to become his bride.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

An empty casket funeral entwines the lives of a relieved widow, a grieving child, a rogue FBI agent, and a badass loan shark with a penchant for shooting people. [Shooting people who owe you money is counterproductive.] In the small Texan town of Hill’s Creek, everyone has secrets . . . but some secrets are worth killing for. [Or so it seems. But nothing is what it seems.]

Bent on avenging his sister’s death, Agent Jonah White is on a vigilante quest to track down Eli Savant, con artist-turned-killer, and the fifty thousand dollars he allegedly stole. Instead, Eli’s widow, and possible accomplice, tumbles into Jonah’s arms, and right into his heart. [Or so it seems. But nothing is what it seems.] One look in Maya’s eyes and one impish smile from her 5-year-old daughter, Lily, and a smitten Jonah is willing to do anything to gain her trust. Their budding romance, and Jonah’s secret investigation, is threatened however when a dead body implicates him in murder and an old acquaintance warns Maya of impending danger. [Move the two commas in that sentence so that they surround "however." And change "is" to "are."] When Eli resurfaces, very much alive, everything spirals out of control: Jonah’s lies are exposed, Lily is abducted and Maya loses faith. To win back Maya’s love and save Lily from certain death, Jonah must trust Eli, the one man responsible for everything. In the end, it all comes down to who you trust because nothing is what it seems. [That's what I was gonna say.] One will die, and one will save the day. But who will win back Maya’s love? [My money's on the one who saves the day.]

NOTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMS (79,000 words) is a completed work of romantic suspense. Thank you for considering my book for representation.

Sincerely,


Notes

I'm pretty sure that something is what it seems.

I don't think we need the loan shark in the first sentence.

How long has Eli been missing when they decide to have his funeral? Usually when there's no body they assume the guy ran off to Vegas with his mistress.

How can you claim Jonah is "willing to do anything to gain her trust" when he doesn't even tell her who he is?

There seem to be a lot of absolutes here. Everyone has secrets. Jonah is willing to do anything. Everything spirals out of control. Certain death. The one man responsible for everything. Nothing is what it seems. Aren't there any gray areas in this town?

Paragraphing would be nice in the long plot section. A new paragraph in the first two places I put blue words. Also, I think I'd drop the last two sentences of the plot.

Face-Lift 623

Guess the Plot

Harper Street

1. To Kill a Sparrow, To Kill an Albatross, and To Kill a Dodo were all flops. Sooner or later, Harper Street will just have to face it: she's a cheap imitation.

2. From where I lie, I've seen them all-dames, dolls, dicks, devils. On one end it's the sticks, the other, the docks. In between it's penthouses and parks, slums and schools, churches and chopshops. I'm more than just a slab of asphalt: I'm Harper Street, and this is my story.

3. Mandy drives her Hummer to the Harper Street Mall to shop for shoes, but her heel & buckle man is none other than Dwight Lopez, undercover super-spy, who suddenly needs to borrow Mandy's car and lipstick to flee assassins so he can stop the Tinker, a deranged mastermind with a nuclear device in a shoebox.

4. Once the realm of the wealthy elite, Harper Street has fallen on hard times--which is why I've chosen it as my personal hunting grounds. I'm Geoff Van Der Plaz, the sexiest, most ruthless vampire of them all.

5. Who is killing the homeless? I'm Addy. I run the shelter, and I've fallen for one of the homeless guys, but that's the least of my problems. The cops think I'm the obsessed serial killer behind all the grisly murders committed lately, here on . . . Harper Street.

6. Everything gets strange when we move to the mansion on Harper Street and Tyrone digs in the backyard and finds bones. Ramona convinces him we can make it a tourist attraction. She'll sell tickets and tee shirts. And all I need to do is train the ghost.


Original Version

Dear Agent:

I have recently finished a 90,000 word romantic thriller titled Harper Street, for which I am seeking representation.

Tucson celebutante Addy Harper gave up her carefree lifestyle when a drunk-driving accident caused the death of a good friend. Ten years later, her former friends would hardly recognize her – she’s the hardworking director of the Harper Street Shelter, named after her deceased father.

Along with funding the shelter before he died, Ben Harper also left Addy one half of his multi-million dollar empire – If she could stay out of trouble for ten years. He left the other half to her brother, Paul Harper, on the same condition.

When a series of grisly murders is uncovered among the street people of Tucson, all signs point to Addy’s involvement in a complicated insurance scam where death means a nice, meaty payoff. But Tucson homicide detective Renner Cole isn’t so sure. He’s gone undercover at the shelter to try and dig up solid evidence on the real killer, and he’s seen the woman Addy Harper has become: hardworking, spirited, and generous. As a matter of fact, she’s just the kind of woman he’s been looking for – if he can keep her off of death row.

When Addy finds out that her newest resident is really an undercover cop, she’s furious and hurt that she's been lied to. [Now you tell me you're not a homeless guy? Now that I've fallen head over heels in love with you?! Bastard!] She liked RC, with all his crazy talk about walking the perimeter and his invisible buddy Frank. [Frank should be an invisible animal of some sort, but not a rabbit, which has been done to death. Maybe an ostrich.] But when the smoke clears, she realizes that Renner Cole is the only thing standing between her and a serial killer who's out to prove her guilt - permanently. [That word makes me think death, but I don't see how her death proves her guilt. And how does she know the serial killer is out to get her?]

Along the way to tracking down a killer and clearing her name, Addy realizes that she’s finally found the one man brave enough, caring enough, and tough enough to steal her heart. [RC's invisible buddy.]

I would be glad to send you a sample chapter, or the manuscript, at your request. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to facilitate your consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Very nice. Whether or not you want to slip in the answer to a question or two, it should get a positive response from someone.

Is killing homeless guys really enough of a no-no to cost Addy her inheritance?

Are there other specific suspects, or is it just a matter of Addy or anyone else?

As they don't usually put you on death row for running an insurance scam, I assume they suspect Addy is the serial killer. You'd think someone running a shelter would have an alibi for some of the murders.

Obviously Addy's brother is the serial killer. It's refreshing to see a query whose author isn't afraid to give away the surprise ending.

Face-Lift 570

Guess the Plot

Rose Lodge

1. Come to where the boys are: Rose Lodge, the home of the anatomically correct mannequin maker, Rose Cowry. Also, haunted sewing machines and weeping bloody walls.

2. When Laurel buys a lodge in Oregon, she's not looking for romance, but it's not long before the carpenter she hires to restore the place falls for her. Then the carpenter gets murdered, and other attacks convince Laurel the lodge is haunted by the malignant spirits of a secret society. Will she survive living in . . . Rose Lodge?

3. All the kids in town are sure the ruined Rose Lodge is haunted by the ghost of a teenaged girl murdered by twin brothers in 1897. Twin brothers Dave and Darren decide to investigate. Will they find the truth . . . or only death?

4. Henry Dreadlock falls in love the moment he lays eyes on the woman of his dreams, Valerie. Except she resides at Rose Lodge, one of Rose City's oldest hotels and one rumored to be haunted. Soon Henry is wondering why Valerie is always dressed in medieval garb and will never let him spend the night.

5. It was supposed to be a happy weekend of singing and cookie-baking, but when Bootsie Campbell arrives at the family reunion, an eerie wail from the forest signals that they must, again, contend with the banshee.

6. Jenny and Rick are booked into Rose Lodge for their honeymoon, but the place is nothing like its brochure. Not only is it a dump; they have to share a bathroom with the adjoining room, which is occupied by an annoying couple who spend more time in the bathtub than in their room. Can Jenny's marriage survive the honeymoon from hell?


Original Version

Dear Perceptive Agent:

Rose Lodge is a 100,000-word contemporary romantic suspense story.

Acquitted of the stabbing murders of her husband and his mistress, Laurel White flees notoriety and suspicion in Seattle and buys Rose Lodge, a derelict inn deep in the coastal mountains of Oregon. She's looking for community and trust, not romance, but soon two men vie for her attention. One is an engaging carpenter hired to restore the lodge, the other is her neighbor Davis Odenkirk, a widowed geologist who opposes her living in Rose Lodge, for reasons he will not name. [But which may have something to do with the effect on property values of having a serial killer living next door.]

When mysterious attacks against Laurel escalate, she has reason to suspect everyone close to her. [When you just moved deep into the mountains in a new state, it doesn't seem like you'd be that close to anyone.] Even the lodge itself seems to be trying to harm her. Then the carpenter is murdered, Laurel's handywoman is viciously assaulted, and Laurel's best friend vanishes. [Her best friend in the Oregon mountains, or her best friend forever?] The attacks cease and Laurel believes the perpetrator has been stopped--but by whom? [What do the police believe? I assume they're investigating the murder, if not the other attacks.]

Laurel finds a hidden cellar [Hidden in the attic, the last place anyone would look for a cellar.] containing a trunk holding clues to the inn's troubled past. The clues lead to a labyrinthine lava tube, which she learns was the "place of spirit" of a shamanist secret society. During the chaos of a hurricane-force windstorm Laurel is kidnapped by her best friend, who insists that Davis committed the Seattle murders and plans to kill Laurel by the same brutal method. [Let me get this straight. Her friend wants her to believe that the person who killed her husband in Seattle happens to be the same guy who lives next door to the lodge she bought deep in the Oregon mountains, bought after the murder of her husband? No one would expect someone to buy that. Have you held back some key information that makes this somehow reasonable?] Laurel escapes to the unexplored and unstable caves. Fighting for her life, she must decide whom to trust: her friend [from whom she escaped after being kidnapped,] or the man she loves [who tried to convince her not to live in Death Lodge]. [Tough decision.]

Davis uses science to uncover the secret of Rose Lodge's strange power while Laurel takes a spiritual approach and opens the caves to the shamans' descendants. Together they lay to rest the house's malignant influence. Laurel creates a place for herself in her new community, and she and Davis open themselves to love.

I have sold romance stories to True Story and True Romance. For many years, I lived on the Oregon coast, where I survived more than one hurricane-force windstorm.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.


Notes

This has several similarities to The Diary of Ellen Rimbauer. In that book the house is called Rose Red, rather than Rose Lodge. The place is under construction, it's in Seattle, built on a native American burial ground, has a life of its own. The heroine has a cheating husband. Gruesome murders occur in the house. It might be worth having Laurel start in California instead of Seattle, and giving the lodge a different name to reduce the similarities.

As he gets murdered anyway, we don't need to know the carpenter has a romantic interest in Laurel. On the other hand, you might mention her attraction to Davis earlier, as this is a romance to some extent, and it's a little jolting to describe him near the end as the man she loves, when all we know about him up to then is that he didn't want her in his neighborhood, and he might be a murderer.

The plot portion could be made shorter by leaving out some of the information that inspires questions, questions that may not come up when reading the book:

Acquitted of the stabbing murders of her husband and his mistress, Laurel White flees notoriety and suspicion in San Francisco and buys Doom Lodge, a derelict inn deep in the coastal mountains of Oregon. She's looking for community and trust, not romance, but soon finds herself attracted to Davis Odenkirk, a widowed geologist who lives nearby.

When the carpenter restoring the lodge is murdered, Laurel's handywoman is viciously assaulted, and mysterious attacks against Laurel escalate, Laurel begins to think the lodge itself is trying to harm her. She finds an old trunk holding clues to the inn's troubled past, and learns that the lodge is built over a maze of caves that were once the "place of spirit" of a shamanist secret society. Suddenly the idea that the lodge is haunted doesn't seem far-fetched.

Davis uses science to uncover the secret of Doom Lodge's strange power while Laurel takes a spiritual approach and opens the caves to the shamans' descendants. Together they lay to rest the house's malignant influence. Laurel creates a place for herself in her new community, and she and Davis open themselves to love.

Face-Lift 397

Guess the Plot

The Librarian

1. Hard-driven lawyer, Jake, is defending two small businessmen against a corrupt, Enron-like, corporation. Researching the case, he finds himself spellbound by Libby, an attractive law librarian. As the case heads to trial, he questions whether she's assisting him or his opponent.

2. Librarian Madeline Pierce has it all . . . except a man. But when she starts feeling that she's being watched, even stalked, she puts romance on hold. Also, a 90-pound baby.

3. Detective Roscoe Butt follows the clues in a string of grisly murders. The list of suspects is virtually endless until Butt notices the overdue fines lodged in the victims' throats. Can he close the book on this one before The Librarian strikes again?

4. By day she is timid and bespectacled, shelving books and picking up after the hordes of messy kids in the Children's Room. But after dark . . . shh! Check her out at the Pussycat Strip Club, tossing spectacles and tweeds, bumping and grinding as . . . The Librarian.

5. Ex-Navy Seal, Dave Zepper, has seen things that still keep him up at night. Now, he just wants to live out his golden years, seated behind the front desk of the Library of Congress. But when Saudi terrorists break in to destroy a sacred Shi'a text, Zepper realizes that only one man can check them out . . . The Librarian.

6. Mildred Boggsley shelves books and answers questions in the library of quaint, quiet Eppingham-by-the-Sea. But when a book-banning movement rears its ugly head, and Mildred's boss, old Mr. Loxford, dies a suspicious death, Mildred must take on his secret identity to fight for free speech. She must become . . . The Librarian.


Original Version

Dear Agent:

I am writing to request that you consider my 80,000 word manuscript The Librarian for review and representation. I am querying agents who represent both Chick Lit and Contemporary Romance genres, in hopes that I will receive feedback about where this work might most comfortably fit. [You're unlikely to get it. Fortunately Evil Editor is here to help. Answer the following questions:

Is the heroine on a diet?
Does she wear Blahniks?
Does she work in Manhattan?
For a women's magazine?
Is she feisty and sarcastic?

If I'm not describing your book, it must be a romance--assuming the hero and heroine eventually overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles and live together happily ever after.]

Confident, quirky, Madeline Pierce believes she has her life under control—she is the youngest Head of Reference in the history of the Richmond County Library, [Man, they keep stats on everything these days.] her 3 bedroom, 2 bath “fixer-upper” with original hardwood floors, located in the heart of the river district, is shaping up nicely, and thanks to her newly discovered dog whispering talents, Baby, her 90 lb lab/boxer mix is much more manageable. [Psst, Baby . . . don't maul the neighborhood kids anymore.] The only piece missing is a partner to share it all with. She’s not looking for perfection in a man, just someone who is motivated, self-aware, has similar interests, and who won’t make fun of her wardrobe. [Her last boyfriend was Mr. Blackwell; it didn't go well.] Jack Bishop, the library’s audio-video specialist/weekend rocker has great potential.

But, after Madeline finds the first in a series of strange, black and white photographs hidden between the pages of a rarely circulated book, peculiar events, that are not part of Madeline’s “big picture” begin to cause her some concern—a missing file, muddy footprints outside her window, and the sense that someone is watching her. As Madeline intercepts the photographs, one by one, the short messages written on the back, oddly loving and threatening at the same time, [I love you . . . to death; I killed them all for you; Your heart will be mine . . . when I rip it out of your chest cavity and eat it.] seem to be directed towards her. She struggles to understand their meaning in relation to the events unfolding around her and the possible connection to a menacing figure from her past, the secret she’s kept hidden from family and friends. [Vague.]

As she battles the sense of paranoia and fear that threatens to shake her carefully constructed foundation, she finds herself attracted to an unlikely candidate for her affections-- Evan Payne, an aimless, aging, mama’s boy, whose most recent accomplishment has been to cut back on his partying. [One doesn't normally think of a mama's boy as a party animal.] Plagued by an unknown stalker [The ghost of Melvil Dewey] as well as her attraction to a man who is definitely not her type, Madeline’s future is put on hold while she comes to terms with her past.

Inspired by my strange, but wonderful, neighbor (a librarian), the plot unfolds within a fictional public library and picks up on issues of library culture. [Should homeless guys be allowed to sleep in the library, and if so, in what sections? Would more people use the library if they got rid of the books and showed first-run movies? Should Evil Editor's books be in every library, or would the incessant laughter be distracting to patrons?] It also touches on themes of harassment, both physical and psychological, but most importantly, it’s a love story. [If it's most of all a love story, that's not coming across. It doesn't sound like Evan is the hero, but Jack is barely mentioned. I'm guessing this is romantic suspense, since there's so much mystery/thriller querritory.]

Although my MFA is in visual arts, I studied creative writing with J(famous author) [Not James Joyce?] at the graduate level. I am a new mother and an Associate Professor of Art. This is my first manuscript, however, I am looking for representation from an individual who will assist me in planning a writing career. Thank you for taking the time to consider this query.

Sincerely,


Notes

It's longer than necessary. The Evan paragraph can go. Most of the last paragraph can go. And much of the plot is wordy. It would be easy to remove a few words from most of the sentences, leaving a much tighter description.

Are all the photographs hidden in books? There are too many books in a library for her to keep happening upon the few containing photographs.

Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to mention what the secret from Madeline's past is. And something about the romance.

Face-Lift 364

Guess the Plot

The Weeping Woman

1. Neighbors wondered why the wan, trembling, reclusive woman in apartment 7-B always departed from her mailbox in silent tears, carrying a stack of letters, hand-addressed to her in a beautiful, elegant script. All the other residents made fun of her--all except Rocky, the part-time maintenance guy. He knew what made Claire weep, and he knew that one day all those SASEs would lead to Claire's first acceptance.

2. Picasso's famous painting, The Weeping Woman, has been stolen. Mandy knows where it is, but the thief knows Mandy knows, and Mandy knows the thief knows Mandy knows. What Mandy doesn't know is whether the thief knows she knows he knows she knows.

3. This engaging pop-up book is a history of Western Civilization told as the faux memoir of a statue of Venus, originally created in ancient Greece, stolen by marauding Romans and moved several times, then broken to pieces during a riot of religious fervor by early Christians. We follow various pieces as they are lost, buried, excavated, slowly scattered across Europe, and finally reunited by Starman 8GYU69Q, of Planet Y.

4. Gertrude Noonburg's life improves dramatically after she sees the weeping Virgin Mary in her grilled cheese sandwich. But when her roommate accidentally tosses it while cleaning out the refrigerator, Gertrude finds herself in a race against time to find the sandwich and prevent her life from going to hell in a handbasket.

5. When Dr. Dirk Dearborn saw Lisa Preston wheeled into his ER, he couldn't take his eyes off her. Dr. Dearborn was a leg man, but apparently so was the flesh-eating bacteria consuming Lisa. He knew by her weeping wounds he'd have to amputate, but would he be cutting off his chance at love as well?

6. Abram Heber thought the scraps of parchment were a joke, but soon realized that the scraps the strange shepherd boy brought him were actually lost books of the Torah, explaining where Noah’s flood really originated.


Original Version

Dear Agent,

In 1937, Pablo Picasso created a mural depicting the bombing of Guernica, the symbolic capital of Basque country. He followed up with a series of paintings called The Weeping Woman, showing the grief mothers and wives must have felt on that day. A particularly striking version of The Weeping Woman is on loan to the Picasso Museum in Barcelona. [You'll note in the painting that Picasso's chief influence in this period was Bizarro Superman.]

Vacationing Amanda Patrone witnesses a murder. Mathew Foster, a powerful criminal, had stolen The Weeping Woman and he pins the blame on a group of Basque freedom fighters. The Basques attempt to negotiate for the return of the painting so it can be returned to its rightful owner. [Wait a minute, what happened to Amanda and the murder?] The negotiation goes terribly wrong, and the ruthless Foster kills their spokesman after revealing the location of the painting.

Mandy is discovered eavesdropping, and the remaining Basques take her into their protection, while attempting to evade Foster. He will not hesitate to kill Amanda or have her arrested, since he has the local police in his back pocket.

[Mandy: Officer, I heard a gunshot through my hotel room door.

Officer: You're under arrest for eavesdropping.]

The Basques offer to take her a safe distance to an embassy beyond Foster's reach.

Sendoa, the only remaining member who speaks English, joined the movement as a young man, ignoring his family's aversion to violence. His passion stems from the murder of his father by a Spanish policeman. Sendoa is assigned to be Amanda's guardian.

Foster's men pursue them through the Pyrenees, and Amanda and Sendoa are separated from the rest of the group. They stumble on the village where the painting is hidden.

They must decide whether to rescue one of the greatest symbols of Basque suffering or melt into the mountains, leaving The Weeping Woman to her fate.

THE WEEPING WOMAN is a romantic thriller, complete at 75,000 words. In accordance with your submission guidelines, I have enclosed the first five pages. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Revised Version

Dear Agent,

Mathew Foster has stolen Picasso's The Weeping Woman, a great symbol of Basque suffering, from the Picasso Museum. Mandy Patrone, on vacation in Barcelona, overhears a conversation in which Foster reveals the location of the painting and then murders one of the Basque freedom fighters negotiating for its return. Now Mandy's life is in danger.

The Basques take Mandy into their protection, Foster's men pursuing them through the Pyrenees. When Mandy and Sendoa, one of her protectors, are separated from the others, they happen into the village of Ordino--where the painting has been stashed. They must decide whether to melt into the mountains for a passionate sexual encounter, or to postpone their romance until they've rescued The Weeping Woman.

???????? (Paragraph hinting at what happens next.)

THE WEEPING WOMAN is a romantic thriller, complete at 75,000 words. In accordance with your submission guidelines, I have enclosed the first five pages. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

This is a new version and new title of Face-Lift 263. (Which is where most of the laughs are.) The good news is that there's less information, and thus less confusion. The bad news is that there's still a lot of trivial information, and what's here isn't well-organized. The opening makes it sound like an art history article. Better transitions are needed to connect the ideas. And it feels like the query ends where the story begins. Surely the book doesn't end as they contemplate their decision. Either this is the story of the Mandy/Sendoa romance, in which case your query ends just after they're thrown together, or it's the story of the rescue of the painting, in which case your query ends before they even decide whether to try to rescue it. Either way, it's mostly set-up. The first two paragraphs of the revised version (not including the last sentence) are enough set-up. From there you need to tell us where the book goes. Unless that really is the end, in which case you need to finish the book.

Face-Lift 346

Guess the Plot

Murder Under the Mistletoe

1. Charlotte has a thing for holidays. She poisoned the marshmallow chicks in her first husband's Easter basket, strangled her second husband with the ribbon from the Valentine's Day chocolate box, and suffocated her third with the helium balloons at his own birthday party. Now, as Christmas approaches, hubby #4 wonders why that package under the tree is ticking.

2. Every year, Carrie's creepy boss has groped and French-kissed her at the office holiday party. With the antidote in her hip pocket, she waits near the mistletoe and keeps her tongue away from her poisoned lipstick. By this time next year, she'll be the VP doing the groping.

3. Christmas at the estate of Lord Ajax was supposed to be the climax of this year's social season-- and the moment Lord Ajax proposes to her. But Clarissa discovers she is not to be the recipient of a marriage proposal, when she discovers her Ajax under the mistletoe, locked in the embrace of . . . her brother.

4. It's Christmas, and Christine has no one to spend it with--until she gets drawn into an international drug conspiracy by hunky doctor David McLeod. Now that she's found true love, can she stay alive long enough to enjoy it? Also, Johnny Cash.

5. What started as an innocent kiss at the Devorson’s posh Christmas party turns into an obsession that leaves a trail of bodies from New York to Nevada. Beautiful detective Mary Sky must find the X-mas Killer, following the clues he leaves her, before Christmas rolls around again and his knife finds her under the Mistletoe.

6. Kelly Coosman volunteered to work the kissing booth for the parish Christmas Gala…it was the least she could do after Father McElroy rescued her from the streets of Chicago. But she’s been on her feet for fourteen hours straight, smooching hundreds of nicotine-fouled old men with rotten yellow teeth, and prostitution is sounding better than ever.


Original Version

Murder Under the Mistletoe is a 95K romantic suspense.

The end of the year is almost here, and it couldn’t come soon enough for Christine Abernathy. It had been the year from hell, but three weeks of mandatory vacation plays right into her plans this Christmas—sunny beaches, warm Caribbean waters, piña coladas, a pile of books, and the parental units paying her way. Life couldn’t get any better, until Grandma Marie has a stroke, dashing her plans and canceling the vacation.

With her parents flying to be with her grandmother and her fun in the sun poofed away, [Not clear why Christine isn't either flying to be with her grandmother or flying to the Caribbean. The flight and hotel would have been paid in advance, so if she's not visiting grandma anyway . . . ] [I'm guessing the parental units were going along on the vacation? Nothing like topping off the year from hell with the vacation from hell.] all Chris has to look forward to is taking home her accounting files from Leftschwich pharmaceuticals…until she gets clonked on the head by a thief in black. [I assume from your description of Christine's vacation as "mandatory" that she has to use it by the end of the year. Whether she's in the Caribbean or her apartment, she shouldn't be dealing with accounting files.] Chris wakes up with a jackhammer rat-a-tatting in her head and the Johnny Cash song, Man in Black, playing on the Musak station. She vows to bring the culprit down. [Coldcocking her was bad enough, but now she can't get that damn song out of her head.]

Contaminated chemotherapy, a psychic grandmother and a trail of murder leads right to her door when she unintentionally opens an international can of worms. To survive, she will need help from her man in black, but can she trust him with her life? [These are your main plot elements, and you gloss over them like you've got a plane to the Caribbean to catch.]

The full manuscript and synopsis are available at your request. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

I didn't expect you to use verbatim the revised version I provided when this first appeared, as Face-Lift 130 (which is where the jokes are). I had to make up most of that. However, you might have used it as a guide. Most of this query is just setting up Christine's situation.

The new title makes it sound like a murder mystery in which someone gets murdered under some mistletoe. Who? Are there several suspects? A detective?

Your plot is something like this: People are dying from taking chemotherapy drugs produced at Leftschwich Pharmaceuticals. Dr. David McLeod, suspecting foul play, convinces Leftschwich employee Christine Abernathy to help him expose the scheme. But Christine and David (who quickly fall madly in love) have stumbled onto an international conspiracy whose chief players will do anything to silence them, including committing . . . Murder under the Mistletoe. Expand on that and you'll have something.

Why Christine is not in the Caribbean isn't nearly as important as the fact that she eventually gets there . . . with Doctor David.

Face-Lift 312

Guess the Plot

The Lies That Bind

1. Pinocchio was just getting used to that little problem with his nose when he started having issues with regularity that not even lots of fiber would help.

2. Incarcerated bank robber Joe Johnson tells his cellmate, extortionist "Thumper Tom," that if Thumper protects Joe from harm in the joint, when they get out he'll split his take from his last robbery. Thumper agrees. But who's sincere and who's lying?

3. Liz survived years of lies and deception from her oppressive husband, but now that he's dead, she wonders if he's the man haunting her. Good news: it's not her husband's ghost; it's just some guy who's been hired to kill her. And, he's pretty good looking.

4. Evelyn told her mother-in-law that she wears a size 12, when a 16 is closer to the truth. With the family reunion drawing near, will Evelyn resign herself to wearing the ill-fitting gifts her mother-in-law sent her for Christmas, or will she find a way to escape. . . The Lies that Bind?

5. The letter was simple: Pastor Bob wasn't an ordained minister, so her marriage to Jason was false. But should she tell Jason, or should she say nothing, and let the lie keep them bound together forever?

6. It started as a fib--she was just going to the store, she said. But fib upon fib now has Cara so wrapped up in lies that she can't remember who she is or where she lives.


Original Version

A name whispered in the dark, ghostly appearances taunting her, and the betrayal of her dearest friend leave Elizabeth Cooper with no one to trust save for one man: the one hired to kill her.

["Trust" Rankings of Everyone Elizabeth Knows (Last Week):

1. Her dearest friend.
2. Everyone else.
3. The hitman hired to kill her.

[Current "Trust" Rankings of Everyone Elizabeth Knows:

1. The hitman hired to kill her.
2. Everyone else.
3. Her dearest friend.]

Now flourishing on her own in her Texas hometown, inner determination fuels Liz to rebuild her life after years with an oppressive husband who controlled her with heinous lies and seemingly insurmountable deceptions. [Only odds and obstacles can be described as "seemingly insurmountable." It's a rule, and a good one.] Liz finds her world begin to collapse once again as her friend tries to save her from herself with quick wit, undying devotion, and rational explanations to the bizarre happenings around her. [That sentence must go.] Is she slowly slipping into the world of the insane, or is her estranged husband, now deceased, truly haunting her?

Thousands of miles away, Victor Scofield [Assuming "thousands" means at least two thousand, my check of the mileage from Texas to Portland, Maine, Vancouver, British Columbia, and Panama shows that none is thousands of miles away. Thus I assume Victor is in Honolulu, Buenos Aires, or Casablanca.] is adamant that the bastard child his father now seeks will prove to be nothing but a mockery to the family traditions, family name, and most importantly to him, the family wealth. He attempts to cover up his father's unfaithful indiscretions of years ago by defying the family and decides this child, now grown, is better off buried in the ground than risk her being brought into the fold. [That sentence must go.] As sadistic obsession overcomes Victor, he sacrifices one sister to prevent this new one from surfacing. [Explain.]

When Alex Clevenger, (anagram: clever ex-angel) the man hired to murder Liz, begins to speak, she realizes this is the man "haunting her," the one causing old doubts and fears and insecurities to reign once again. Her best friend, Elle, has a secret she has never shared with Liz. [What secret?] With Elle suddenly and uncharacteristically leaving town, Alex has Liz questioning all she has believed in regard to her best friend. [Apparently there's an Alex-Elle connection you haven't mentioned? Either leave Elle out of this paragraph, or tell us what she did that's so bad.] Liz must now lean on Alex and pray he does not decide to fulfill the contract on her life as she lays her trust, and ultimately her heart, at his feet. Liz knows she must release all perceptions she has about herself, her adoption, and her friend in order to stay alive, as well as deal with the scars of deception that still linger in her heart. [That paragraph must go.]

THE LIES THAT BIND is romantic suspense, complete at 90,000 words. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely


Revised Version

A name whispered in the dark, and betrayal by her dearest friend leave Liz Cooper with no one to trust--other than the man hired to kill her--in my romantic suspense novel, The Ties that Bind.

Rebuilding her life after years with an oppressive husband who controlled her with heinous lies and deceptions, Liz seeks rational explanations for the ghostly apparitions and bizarre happenings that have been tormenting her. Is she slowly slipping into the world of the insane? Or is she truly being haunted by her deceased husband?

Victor Scofield is convinced that the bastard child his father now seeks will tarnish the family name--and reduce his share of the family wealth. He would rather see this child, now grown, buried in the ground than risk her being brought into the fold. As sadistic obsession overcomes Victor, he makes the necessary arrangements.

When Alex Clevenger, the man Victor hired to murder Liz, begins to speak, she realizes this is the man "haunting" her, the one bringing her old doubts and fears to the surface once again. She appeals to his kinder nature; and Alex quickly comes to see that Liz is the one woman with whom he can find a lifetime of happiness--though only if he doesn't put a bullet in her brain. So they kill Victor and live happily ever after. Right?

THE LIES THAT BIND is romantic suspense, complete at 90,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

Okay, everything I know about hitmen I learned from Grosse Pointe Blank and Day of the Jackal, so I could be wrong about this, but I'm thinking once a hitman takes a job to kill you, it's kill or be killed. You ain't talkin' him out of it.

My ending probably isn't the real one, but at least it's not vague. That third plot paragraph needs to tie the other two together and it needs concrete details. I wasn't even sure the hitman was hired by Victor, as you seem to say Victor eliminates his other sister, thereby preventing Liz from surfacing. Why does Victor have to sacrifice another sister if he's hired someone to kill Liz?

Your ending brings in Elle's secret without explanation, implies that Elle leaving town is a betrayal without explanation, brings up adoption as an issue, when it hadn't been mentioned that she was adopted . . . If a statement leads to questions you aren't going to answer, best not to make it in the first place.

It's not clear why Liz has no one she can trust except a guy I assume she's never met until he shows up with a gun in his hand. Does she know him? If so, that's worth mentioning, as it'll make it easier to swallow him not killing her.

Face-Lift 311

Guess the Plot

Revenge in Sulamar

1. A motorist in Sri Lanka cut him off, and Sidney exacted his revenge, sideswiping the offending BMW off the road and into a fireball. Now Sid's upset about the roaming charges on his phone, and the customer care center in Sulamar isn't issuing a credit. Sidney's packing his bags . . . and an Uzi.

2. Jivat and Bardi's marriage is off to a rough start, and they're still on their honeymoon. The planet Varda is lovely, but first Bardi flirted with the waitress in Rangapur, and now he's spending more time on the golf course than with his bride. Looking at the next stop on their itinerary, Jivat plots her vengeance.

3. Glamorous superspy/lingerie model Twinkie Tompkins is relaxing on the beach at Sulamar with her sidekick, photographer/stuntman Jack Tornado, when a motorized "seagull" buzzes over, and explodes. Obviously the dastardly computer-hacker fiend "Whirlwind McGee" has launched yet another revenge project. Soon the hotel and all of Sulamar will crash and burn -- unless Jack and Twinkie can find McGee's lair, cut his power, and thwart his evil scheme.

4. The Magess of Krataal has a problem--too many fashions, and not enough fashion models to wear them all at her elaborate balls. But finding humans is difficult--they live only in the forests of Sulamar. By sending a Makaka Marenta Marella to steal some humans, she'll get everything she wants, without having to pay a single bloin to Tremente Jabaal.

5. Tamar has no idea her handsome slave Fazil is actually a Sulamarian spy. When Fazil escapes, he leads a raid on Tamar's city, capturing her and bringing her home to be his slave . . . and concubine. Now Tamar plots her own escape. Or . . . should she remain in Sulamar with the hunky Fazil, who pleasures her like no man ever has?

6. They drink out of their boots, and eat their hats for lunch. Everything is done differently in Sulamar. Especially revenge! The police find two men in an oversized pickle jar, suspended from an electric wire, while their wives live it up in a neighborhood bar.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

REVENGE IN SULAMAR is an erotic fantasy/romance complete at 62,000 words.

Tamar has a perfect life as a beautiful and wealthy aristocrat. She has her own household, an adoring lover and a high position at the royal court in the medieval city of Talgar. Then she ruins everything by buying a slave. [That's remarkably similar to what happened to Evil Editor. I was on the rise in the biggest publishing house in the country, editing the likes of Grisham and King, living the good life, and then this new CEO comes in and decides it doesn't "look good" for her top editor to be involved in the slave trade. Hey, who doesn't have a few skeletons in their closet?] He is Fazil, a captured warrior from the enemy city of Sulamar, a city of barbarians that have raided Talgar for centuries. [If you've been raiding a city for centuries, and they're still holding you off, you're giving all barbarians a bad name.]

Tamar does not much care for barbarians, and though Fazil is handsome, well-behaved and outwardly humble, [I'll take a well-behaved barbarian over a smug aristocrat any day.] she does not treat him well. She humiliates him in front of her lover and when she finds him kissing a maid, she orders him whipped. What Tamar doesn’t know, is that Fazil is a spy. He has allowed himself to be captured in order to find out where the royal treasury keeps its secret store of gold [and also to get it on with the cute maids in Tamar's household]. But after Tamar’s cruel treatment, gold will no longer be enough. He lusts after her and plans to take her as his share of the loot. When he learns where the gold is kept, [If you let a barbarian slave from a place that's been raiding you for centuries discover where your secret store of gold is, you had no business calling it a "secret" store of gold.] he escapes and leads a raid to capture it, taking Tamar with him. In Sulamar, he forces her to submit and makes her his slave concubine. She plots her escape though he gives her more pleasure than any man she has ever known. [Smoother transitions are needed between some of these ideas. Just because the finish line's in sight doesn't mean you should fire yourself out of a cannon.] Then she learns that she is unjustly blamed for the raid in Talgar and sentenced to death as a traitor. And so there is only one thing left -- revenge at any price. [Revenge against those in Talgar who unjustly blame her for the raid? Or against Fazil?]

Thank you for considering REVENGE IN SULAMAR. May I send you sample chapters or the complete manuscript?


Notes

Was that the first ten chapters, or the prologue? Based on the title, I might guess that this was all setup for the real story, which is the revenge plot. If the book is about Tamar's revenge, you could condense all of this into something like, Captured by barbarians raiding her city, the beautiful aristocrat Tamar discovers that she has been blamed for the raid and sentenced to death as a traitor. Then tell us about the main storyline.

A wealthy aristocrat ought to be able to afford servants and gigolos. What does she need with a slave? What are his duties?

Face-Lift 300!!

Guess the Plot

Chance Encounter

1. Who knew that a game of strip Monopoly would be the end of their affair? An unpleasant encounter over a Chance card, and Lyle storms out. Until he learns the meaning of "Do Not Pass Go," Kitty won't take him back, no matter how often he compliments her Community Chest.

2. Love is kindled at a Monopoly tournament, when Muffy and Ken touch hands reaching for the same Chance card. When Ken reveals he recently got out of jail, will Muffy hop on the Reading Railroad? Or will they settle down at Park Place?

3. Saxophonist Geoffrey Lunt's life is a mess. His wife has left him for a cushy lifestyle with her dentist, his children want nothing to do with him, and he keeps hearing a Kenny G solo in his head. Will a chance encounter with the famous saxophonist cure Geoffrey of his ills? Or will it make his life even more miserable?

4. Sure, her boss wants her dead, the FBI wants her in jail, and there's a hitman waiting on her sofa. But when Delia runs into an intensely handsome man, all bets are off. She slips him her card and says, "Call me." Turns out she slipped him someone else's card. It's just not her day.

5. Tracey Robinson wasn't supposed to even go to her aunt's wedding, but a last minute change of plans had her driving south. Little did she know that a chance encounter with a dashing stranger at a rest stop would end with her engaged to the antichrist, who has at his command a thousand zombies waiting to take over the world.

6. When Hillary meets Chance in a bar, her life is about to change forever. Is Chance really from another planet? Does he have superpowers beyond human comprehension? Will he take her with him when he returns to his home world? Or has Hillary just fallen for another loser with a big imagination?


Original Version

Dear Mr. Generic:

Query for A Chance Encounter, a romantic suspense novel of 72,000 words

Delia Weintraub has done something foolish. She has handed another woman's business card to an intensely handsome man, saying, "Call me." [This happens to Evil Editor a lot. It gets pretty awkward if I do call:

She: Hello?

EE: Hi. It's me. From the Star Trek convention?

She: Pardon me?

EE: You remember. I was the Klingon with the pince-nez.

She: Listen, pal, I don't know what you're--

EE: Not again. Sorry, misunderstanding. Someone apparently thought it would be funny to slip me your card. Probably didn't even realize I was Evil Editor.

She: Whatever. Now if you don't mind, I'm trying to watch Dancing with the . . . Did you say Evil Editor?

EE: I did.

She: Now I remember. I'll be in the lounge at the Ritz Carlton in a half hour.]

Now the woman whose name is on that card is lying dead at the bottom of a flight of stairs, murdered, and Delia just might be next. Adding to her woes, her boss wants her dead, [Firing an employee isn't easy for some bosses, but if the relationship has reached the point where you literally want your employee dead, you've waited too long.] the FBI wants to arrest her for murders she didn't commit, [After years of wasting resources trying to capture people and arrest them for murders they did commit, the FBI has finally realized it's much easier to capture people who didn't commit murders.] and a hired killer is relaxing on her living room sofa. [Who is this woman? Her problems seem a bit extreme if it turns out she's a manicurist or a florist.] And as if that were not enough, Brad Blackburn, the man who may have killed the woman of the business card, claims he's fallen in love with her. [There's gotta be a way to avoid the embarrassment of referring to one of your characters as "the woman of the business card."]

My published work, Samantha and the Bear, was released in 2001, by Neighborhood Press, when they were still a small but real publisher. [Now they're a small but imaginary publisher.]

I've included the synopsis, and a few pages, and as I am certain you have already guessed, I would be delighted to submit the entire manuscript.


Notes

It's awfully brief. If it answered a few of the following questions it would be more informative and less listy:

1. Did Delia pass the woman of the business card's business card intentionally, and if so, why?

2. Is Delia aware the woman of the business card has been murdered?

3. What does Delia do for a living?

4. Why does her boss want her dead?

5. Who hired the hired killer?

6. Is Delia in love with Brad? Is Brad hunky?

8. The FBI wants to arrest Delia for murders she didn't commit? Murders besides the murder of the woman of the business card? Whose murders? Why is she a suspect? If the FBI wants to arrest her, why don't they? Is she on the run?

You don't need to answer everything, but by elaborating on your points, you'll show the ability to string ideas together rather than just list them.

Face-Lift 263

Guess the Plot

Beyond Ordino

1. Josh Ordino has a mad crush on Nancy Jones but she's so far beyond him on the scale of cool, it's hopeless. She never even said "Hello" until a tornado put her car in his ditch. Now he's standing at the kitchen window, pretending to look for the tow truck, watching the little green Munchkins running away with her purse, and wondering if he should step aside and let her see . . . beyond Ordino.

2. Callista Ordino is all that stands - or rather runs - between DeeAnn Pliner and the gold medal at the Los Angeles Marathon. But is it worth a murder charge to get . . . beyond Ordino?

3. The sign on the door on the right says "ordino." The other door reads "ourtodo." The sign above both announces "Anagram Club." Lily and Nick are the only ones to know who serial killer "The Puzzler" really is. Can they solve the clues and find him... beyond Ordino?

4. Stuck in a tiny village of cheap souvenirs, bad food, worse plumbing and with a case of The Revenge, Milly is on her bargain vacation in Italy where her only consolation is the view from the shared toilet, a view of the mountains . . . beyond Ordino.

5. Kidnaped by terrorists who are driving her to Ordino, Mandy escapes with the hunky terrorist, Sendoa, who has fallen in love with her. But Ziggy, the terrorists' interim leader, is hot on their trail. Will the chase take them . . . beyond Ordino?

6. In the vast outreaches of known space lies a pristine island planet called Ordino. Beyond it is the secret lair of GingerLady and a land of unimaginable sweets and spices. And now the Common Federation has decided to open Ordino for exploration and exploitation. Conflict ensues, but will it spread . . . beyond Ordino?


Original Version

Dear Agent,

When terrorists take Mandy Patrone on an impromptu tour of the Pyrenees, she wishes she'd packed a toothbrush. [But then, how could she have known they'd be stopping at every Kung Pao corn on the cob stand in a fifty-mile radius?]

While on vacation in Barcelona, Mandy finds herself in the middle of a struggle for freedom by the ETA, a terrorist group fighting for independence from Spain - a free Basque nation.

In the hotel room next to hers, she overhears an Englishman demanding a store of ammunition in exchange for Juan, a captive ETA cell leader. [Wait, is this like that movie, Memento, with the paragraphs in reverse order?] Alejandro, Juan's negotiator, refuses, revealing that a number of hotel patrons are being held hostage. He says they'll be killed if Juan isn't released.

The Englishman readily reveals Juan's location -- a village called Ordino in Andorra, a tiny principality in the Pyrenees. He then orders Alejandro killed. [What's the point of revealing the location if you're gonna kill the guy you reveal it to?]

Mandy is discovered by the rest of the ETA cell group and must join the hostages in the hotel courtyard. The mysterious Englishman that murders Alejandro [I thought he ordered someone else to kill him.] disappears, apparently unconcerned about the fate of the hotel patrons. Out of sheer self-preservation, Mandy impulsively tells the hostage takers where their leader is held. [Impulsively? They didn't even ask? Let's see, if they're planning to kill me, the only thing that'll keep me alive is the fact that I know where their leader is, and they don't. So . . . I'll tell them.]

One of her captors is Sendoa, a man whose family roots delve deep, [delve?] neither French nor Spanish - not even Moorish. [You say that as if it's shocking to discover that someone isn't Moorish. Wait, this could be like Rumplestilskin.

Sendoa: Guess what my ancestry is. You'll never guess. If you guess I'll let you live.
Mandy: French?
Sendoa: Nope.
Mandy: Moorish?
Sendoa: Not even close.
Mandy: Basque?
Sendoa: Augghhh! Impossible!!!! Who told you?!]

The Basque language is unique, [I'm trying to think of a language that isn't unique.] their culture like no other. He joined the movement as a young man, ignoring his family's aversion to violence. His passion stems from the murder of his brother by a Spanish policeman and he had followed Juan into exile.

Mandy recruits Sendoa as an ally when Zigor, the interim cell leader, suggests that they bring her along as leverage when they attempt to rescue their leader. [Zigor will never be more than an interim leader. A true terrorist leader doesn't "suggest," he orders.] Mandy uses wit and ingenuity to stave off sheer panic while she is taken on a wild ride through Spain. [Wit and ingenuity, eh? I'll have to try that next time I'm faced with sheer panic, instead of my usual strategy: curling into the fetal position and sobbing.]

Partway through the journey, Zigor turns against Sendoa, [Once Sendoa had been recruited onto Mandy's side, it was inevitable that Ziggy would turn against him.] due to a lie told by the Englishman, who is still after the ammunition. [Is it really that hard to get ammunition, that you have to chase terrorists through the Pyrenees? Don't they have Wal-Marts in Baskerville?] [Englishmen don't need ammunition anyway. Didn't you ever watch The Avengers?] [Excuse me a moment while I reminisce about Mrs. Peel.] Sendoa's family is in danger, and he debates whether to continue with the rescue of his leader or return to his family.

Mandy convinces him to opt for the family, and they both slip into the wilderness of the Pyrenees to reach his home in the Basque region, Zigor in hot pursuit. [That's it? What about the leader? Is anyone going after the leader?]

BEYOND ORDINO is a romantic thriller, [This is a romance? Let me guess. Mandy falls in love with the terrorist? I figured she wanted the toothbrush for a MacGyverish escape; turns out she just wants fresh breath when she kisses the Samoan.] complete at 85,000 words. According to your submission guidelines, I have enclosed the first five pages for your perusal. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Revised Version

While vacationing in Barcelona, Mandy Patrone overhears an Englishman demanding a store of ammunition in exchange for Juan, the captive leader of a Basque terrorist group seeking independence from Spain. Alejandro, Juan's negotiator, refuses, declaring that a number of hostages will be killed if Juan isn't released. The Englishman reveals Juan's location--a village called Ordino in Andorra--and then kills Alejandro.

Discovered by the terrorists, Mandy is forced to join the hostages. One of her captors is Sendoa, who joined the movement as a young man, ignoring his family's aversion to violence. His passion stems from the murder of his brother by a Spanish policeman.

When Zigor, the interim terrorist leader, orders that Mandy be brought along as leverage when they set out to rescue their leader, she is taken on a wild ride through Spain. Partway through the journey, Zigor turns against Sendoa, mainly because he won't stop singing "Mandy." Sendoa and Mandy slip into the wilderness of the Pyrenees, bound for Sendoa's home in the Basque region, Zigor in hot pursuit.

BEYOND ORDINO is a romantic thriller, complete at 85,000 words. In accordance with your submission guidelines, I have enclosed the first five pages. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

Why do they take Mandy along as leverage, rather than some other hostage from the hotel? Those holding the leader don't know Mandy. The Englishman was willing to let all the hostages be killed, but they think the captors will care about just Mandy?

Apparently the Englishman reappears; once he does, they should take him as leverage.

If Sendoa is a member of the ETA, Basque would be the obvious first guess, so what's with the "neither French nor Spanish - not even Moorish"?

It was too long, and too confusing. You don't need to tell the whole plot. On the other hand it feels like you're describing the setup, and the main plot is about to begin. Is most of the book Mandy and Samosa falling in love while fleeing Ziggy? If so, condense everything here into one or two sentences, and move on. Something like: Mandy Patrone has saved up her money for a vacation in Spain, but before she even unpacks her bags, Basques have kidnaped her and are driving her to Andorra to leverage the release of a terrorist. When the hunky Basque Sandoval falls in love with Mandy, the two of them slip into the wilderness and . . . take it from there.

Face-Lift 248

Guess the Plot

The Melody of Midnight

1. Bong..bong..bong..bong..bong..bong..bong..bong..bong..bong..bong..bong.

2. Jim Smith and his yodeling dog, Ted, sing midnight duets for Bianca Lopez -- until her screaming mother throws cold water on them. Will Ted recover from this shock? Or will Jim have to go solo?

3. Awakened every night by the sound of the Twentieth Century Limited roaring past his house, Norton Pooqle decides to drive his Crown Victoria onto the tracks to see if the train will stop. The sound of tearing metal is mixed with the Beach Boys on the oldies station as Norton tries to escape.

4. A blue-eyed, thin-lipped, dour, pasty-faced droning bachelor uncle who favors retro-goggles embarks on a songwriting career. He quickly discovers that any tunes he composes at the witching hour rocket to the top of the charts.

5. In a different take on the classic fairy tale, the clock is still sounding as the prince runs after Cinderella’s coach. At the twelfth strike the coach transforms into a calliope, and the prince is left with the Melody of Midnight shrilling in his heart. Also, a bumbling stepfamily.

6. As she waits for her fiancé to return from Ghana for their wedding, Julienne finds herself accused of money laundering. And the only person willing to help is the man she allegedly stole from. Will Juli claim innocence, or will she sing when the feds put on the heat?


Original Version

Framed for larceny and money laundering? Until the Chief of Police came knocking, Julienne Béhar’s only concern was whether or not her fiancé would return from his medical volunteer work in Ghana before their wedding. [Advice to all prospective brides: before setting the date, get a firm commitment from the groom on when he'll be leaving Ghana.] Now she faces arrest warrants, FBI interviews, and a fake African charity. [I don't mind arrests and interrogations, but if those fake African charities don't quit emailing me, I'm gonna go nuts.]

Enter Solomon Wirth – solitary, wealthy, and disliked by pretty much everyone in Julienne’s small town. Solomon was the intended recipient of the funds Julienne is accused of stealing and should have been the first person pointing a finger her direction. Instead he forestalls her arrest, hires a PI to trace the missing funds, and takes on the FBI. [Nero Wolfe took on the FBI in The Doorbell Rang. But that was Nero Wolfe. I don't see some small-town big shot taking them on with any hope of success.]

Julienne is grateful, sort of, and warily accepts his help to discover who has framed her and why. [I wouldn't mind discovering that myself. Here in the query.] Their search takes them deep into the Béhar family history and unearths choices of the past that no one, including Julienne, wants faced today. Then her fiancé returns with his own tale of criminal accusations and FBI interrogations, and suddenly the intrigue is larger than one woman and one small town. [Suddenly it's one woman, one man, and one small town.]

The Melody of Midnight is an 110,000 word romantic mystery/suspense novel set in Lewis County, New York.


Notes

It might be worth mentioning who the villain is, and why the villain is out to get Julienne.

Here's my guess: the fiancé is the bad guy, he gets killed by a Ghanaian sleeper cell based in Utica, and Julie ends up marrying Solomon.

Isn't Julianne the name, and Julienne the method of cutting vegetables?

Drop the first sentence. Change the last sentence of that paragraph to Now she's been charged with larceny and money laundering, and faces an FBI interrogation.

Things I learned researching my critique: One of the larger cities of Ghana is the unfortunately named Ho, where the main language spoken is Ewe. I knew Babe learned to speak Ewe, but it never occurred to me that an entire region of people would take to speaking it.

Katie Couric: What language do you speak, and where are you from?
Diplomat: Ewe, Ho.
Katie: Okay, end of interview.

Face-Lift 234

Guess the Plot

Mountain Echo's

1. It's mine! It's mine! It's mine! Sylvan Glen Echo and Green Glade Echo arm wrestle in a duel to the death for the possessions of the late Mountain Echo.

2. The God of Punctuation tells the story of his life and decline to an illiterate shepherd before throwing himself off a tall peak in sheer disgust.

3. 96-year-old village schoolteacher Miss Quadrille is just putting the finishing touches to her 1400-canto Spenserian epic masterpiece when she is throttled with her own typewriter ribbon. Can Miss Amelia Pettipants figure out what the rest of the title was supposed to be?

4. Echo is the size of a mountain. No wonder she's the class bully! Will Echo get the teacher's new shoes, or will there be a wrestling match?

5. A heated argument between Jake and Maggie leads to a night of passion, a betrayal, a car accident, a hitch as an army mercenary for Jake, a career in medicine for Maggie, and a reunion ten years later. Also, a mountain.

6. A bookkeeper, a secretary, a paralegal, and a dental assistant meet at Jack's Bar and Grill every Tuesday night to read their unpublished poetry and cry in their beer, until the remarkable evening a yodeling duo joins the group and changes all their lives forever.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor;

Mountain Echo's is a romatic suspence with 70,000 words.

Ten years ago, Maggie Hanson had been eighteen years old and hopelessly in love with her older brother Scott" best friend, Jake Donnegan. She thought her feelings were only one-sided, but a heated argument between them prom night changed all that [Nothing says I love you like a heated argument on prom night.] and they ended up spending a very passionate night together. Three days later, she went to Jake to tell him of all the plans she had made for the future. [Big mistake.] Coldly, he told her not to involve him in her plans. [Men. How do women put up with them?] It was one night and that was all he wanted from her. Fleeing his rejection, she left in her car with tires squeeling and tears running down her face. Resulting in a near fatal car accident, completely changing her life. She never saw Jake again. [Or at least not until the paragraph after next.]

Ten years ago, Jake Donegan, spent the most memorable night of his life in the arms of his best friend, Scott's sister. When Scott found out his sister was planning to throw away her dreams of attenting one of the best colleges in America for a future with Jake on his Horse ranch, he convince Jake to send Maggie away. So he lied to her and told her he felt nothing for her. He had no idea his rejection would end up almost costing Maggie her life. [I'm starting to think you spend more time on this prom night incident in the query letter than you do in the book.] Holding her unconscious body while waiting for help to arrive, he vowed to God that if she lived he would never hurt her again. In order to keep his word he felt he had to leave. As soon as the doctors assured them that Maggie would survive her injuries, Jake and Scott left for the Army. [They simply leave for the army? Had they previously enlisted? If so, how was Maggie going to join Jake on the horse ranch? If not, there is a certain amount of paperwork and other stuff involved in joining the army. And joining the army seems a drastic way to avoid hurting Maggie. He could just hole up on the ranch with his favorite horse until she leaves for college.]

Present day, Scott has been gravely injured, and as mercenaries he and Jake felt it was to dangerous to take Scott to the hospital. [What do you mean "as mercenaries?" Are they in the army? If so, whose army, and stationed where?] The men that were after them would stop at nothing to finish the job, therefore Scott tells Jake to call Maggie. After recovering from her injuries Maggie is now a Physicans Assistant and works for a local ER. She drops everything to help her brother but is scared to death to see Jake again. After a ten year absence Jake and Maggie are thrown back together in an intense struggle to save Scott's life and stay out of danger. Will true love be able to overcome a lifealtering betrayal? Will Jake be able to protect the only woman he has ever loved from the men that want him dead?

You'd be surprised what love can do.


Notes

No doubt the minions will rake you over the coals for the spelling, punctuation, and grammar problems (some of which would have been caught by spellchecking), which are bad enough by themselves to earn a rejection.

This is pretty much a synopsis, not a query letter. The only part that isn't summarizing the plot is the first sentence, which, by itself, has enough errors to earn a rejection.

I'm not sure where the title comes from, but amazingly, even it, by itself, is bad enough to earn a rejection.

I'm more interested in who's after Jake and why, than in his relationship with Maggie. They had one night of passion ten years ago as teenagers. Surely they've had other relationships since, satisfying adult relationships, and haven't been pining away for each other. How many women think back to the guy who dumped her after a one-night stand ten years ago, and wonder, How did I let that one get away?

Face-Lift 177

Guess the Plot

Damaged Hearts

1. Celebrities Raven and Jake can't escape the media frenzy that constantly surrounds them, until they hit upon the idea of getting married in Hawaii.

2. An early-February fire leaves Myra Sinclair's candy store one big mess of melted chocolate. Can she salvage her business with a storewide 75% off sale?

3. Hospital janitor Jeff Wimby finds love with transplant surgeon Stephanie Troog, but will she throw out his heart like all the others?

4. Vampire hunter Sean Brody falls in love with one of his targets. What will Abigail--Sean's wife and partner in vampire hunting for eighteen years--have to say about it?

5. Big Jim can't understand why he's lost 132 poker hands in a row to his 5 year old nephew. Until he looks closely at the cards.

6. It's February at See's Candies - and everyone is working their tails off. Only Penelope Groodle in Quality Assurance is stuffing her briefcase and smiling.


Original Version

Dear Agent,

I read on your website that you are currently seeking submissions. I would like to submit my romantic suspense novel, Damaged Hearts for your consideration.

Damaged Hearts is the story of 33 year old Raven Blake, an executive chef and television personality, who is starting over after the death of her husband. She moves to Anthem Arizona to open a new restaurant and her life changes her very first night in town when she meets sports celebrity Jake Hughes. Together they work to overcome the issues of their pasts and form a loving blended family with Jake’s daughter Zoë and mother Lorraine. [That was fast. What happens her second night in town?]

Their perfect Anthem existence is rocked by a violent kidnapping attempt and they are forced to kill their assailant. Devastated by the impact of the attack on their lives and the resulting media frenzy they flee to the big island of Hawaii where the family pulls together to recover and Raven and Jake are married. [When celebrities are being bothered by media frenzy, nothing calms things down like marrying each other.] [That's it? They get married and nothing else happens? Short stories have more plot.]

Damaged Hearts is the first of three novels I’ve completed. I’m a member of Romance Writers of America and recently joined the Phoenix chapter, Valley of the Sun Romance Writers. I'd be happy to send you a copy of the completed 82,000 word manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Revised Version

Dear Agent,

I read on your website that you are currently seeking submissions. I would like to submit my romantic suspense novel, Damaged Hearts, for your consideration.

Damaged Hearts is the story of 33--year-old Raven Blake, an executive chef and television personality, who is starting over after the mysterious boning-knife murder of her husband. She moves to Anthem Arizona to open a new restaurant, and there she meets sports celebrity Jake Hughes. They hit it off immediately; Even Jake's daughter Zoë is enamored of Raven. Together they work to overcome the issues of their pasts--Raven's three husbands were all killed by kitchen utensils, and Jake was tossed off the pro bowlers tour for steroid abuse--and form a loving family with Zoë and Jake's mother Lorraine.

When a Ukrainian mobster tries to kidnap Zoë, Jake and Raven manage to kill the assailant. Devastated by the impact of the attack on their lives and the resulting media frenzy, they flee to Hawaii where the family pulls together to recover and Raven and Jake are married. Their happiness is short-lived, however, for Jake is called before a congressional committee on drugs in sports, and while he's away, Lorraine is found with a meat thermometer through her heart. Can the couple survive yet another tragedy?

I’m a member of Romance Writers of America and recently joined the Phoenix chapter, Valley of the Sun Romance Writers. I'd be happy to send you a copy of the completed 82,000 word manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

It reads much better with some transition between their meeting and starting a family, and with more specific information. Whether you alter the query to use the information in your book, or alter the book to use Evil Editor's specifics is up to you. I recommend the latter, of course.