Face-Lift 846

Guess the Plot

Of Two or More Minds

1. Penta the Hydra's left head (Gil) summons a demon to rid himself of the right head (Sullie) who's hired a mad scientist to off him. When the demon and scientist team up and imprison them it's up to the middle head (Cal) to free them.

2. In half of his mind, Adrian believes he could make Regina happy, despite being a bisexual homophobe. But in the other half, he knows she won't be thrilled to find out he works for a pornographic video production company connected to a Salvadorian child prostitution ring.

3. Charlie the zombie could never do anything right. Instead of just eating brains, he's been gulping down the minds as well. Now he's afflicted with multiple personality syndrome. Can he find a cure before two or more of the minds he's eaten talk him into chomping down on a head and getting hair between his teeth?

4. Kate knew exploring the haunted house at night was a bad idea. Now she has two ghosts possessing her body. One is out for revenge while the other just wants to live a normal life - and they're both in love with Kate.

5. Five-year-old Malcolm could barely read English when he started speaking Spanish, and Swahili and Sanskrit. Psychiatric consultations provide the explanation: three ancient spirits are feuding within Malcolm's mind. Can Malcolm's own mind take control . . . or has he already lost it?

6. When a photo booth generates an exact double of 15 year-old Yin Chee, she thinks it's the solution to her problems. She can party while her double keeps up with the grueling study regime that her parents force on her. Trouble is, her mind simultaneously occupies both bodies. And when her double spontaneously splits, her mind gets shared between three Yins.



Original Version

Dear Evil and expanding evilness:

Query for novel "Of Two or More Minds"

Adrian's friends attempt a shakedown of his boss by stealing an illegal adult film and threatening to turn it over to authorities. This leaves the sexually confused theater manager playing both sides; [Not clear whether Adrian or his boss is the theater manager.] earnestly trying to prove his loyalty to the company while reluctantly pocketing his share of the stolen cash. [What stolen cash? It was a film they stole. Did the guy pay them off? Usually when someone says a shakedown was attempted, I assume it failed. Otherwise the writer would have just said they shook him down. Why does Adrian get a share? Was he in on the theft? When a guy has something illegal and you steal it from him, you now have something illegal. Seems like you're the one potentially in trouble now. And if he buys the item back, does that make the payment stolen cash?] Actually, Adrian distrusts Lou Davis, his boss, but doesn't know the porn operator had partnered with a Web-based video production company deeply connected to a Salvadorian child prostitution ring. [If you're gonna partner with a child prostitution ring, make it a Guatemalan child prostitution ring or a Nicaraguan child prostitution ring. Anything but a Salvadorean child prostitution ring.] [How come whether I spell it Salvadorean or Salvadorian or Salvadoran, Blogger doesn't tell me it's misspelled? Apparently you can spell it any way you want. Salutatorian. Slovenian. Slobodan Milosevic. Christ, everything works. In El Salvador, spelling bees never end.] He doesn't know Lou's partners had already gained control of the business by turning Lou's weakness against him. Adrian was soon to get set up the same way but gets off much easier, [The younger you are, the easier it is to get off.] the blackmail only having destroyed his half-serious engagement to Regina, [You're dumping me? Just because I'm a blackmailer tangentially involved with child pornography?] his best friend and lover. But he could rationalize that as the fair outcome. A bisexual homophobe not much for sharing is probably not the reliable lover she wanted so to believe. [And probably not the main character we wanted so to cheer for.] Even if he wanted just as much to believe. Belief, it seemed, could be complete in just half of one's mind.


Notes

Half of my mind believes this is a hoax. The other half wants to believe it's a hoax.

But just in case it isn't, it needs clarity, it needs paragraphing, and it needs to focus on the Adrian/Regina relationship. If Adrian loves Regina and has no idea he works for a porn producer and then he finds out, but his criminal bosses threaten to kill him if he quits . . . Nah. I don't see anything making us want to root for a homophobic blackmailer who is torn about remaining loyal to a company connected with child porn. I recommend putting this novel in a trunk and writing one about kittens.

If you want to make money by stealing, it's kind of stupid to steal from a criminal involved in a sleazy racket. You could end up sleeping with the fishes. Better to steal from a little old lady, so you only have to worry about the police.

Face-Lift 3

Guess the Plot

The Amateur's Guide to Killer Sex

1. You heard of the birds and the bees, right? Well, just get a swarm of killer bees, a flock of vultures, and let nature take its course.

2. Five female adult movie director's have been murdered in Tennessee already. Can the Tennessee Serial Killer Unit get the killer before he gets his next victim?

3. College students Bob and Billy decide to create a snuff film, using an unsuspecting coed as the victim. Too bad for them the coed they picked is a vampire.

4. Freed by the death of her repressive mother, 50-something Janice pursues her dream of being a rock and roll groupie and sets her sights on Jerry Lee Lewis. But are they both too long in the tooth for backstage swiving?

5. The Amateur, one of the world's top three most wanted hit-men, begins taunting his investigators with a series of grisly, explicit videotapes.

6. Doofus Worthington thinks he's going out on a blind date. But really, his arch-enemy Tiffany Bland has set him up with Las Vegas' notorious slasher prostitute, Pussy Whipped.


Original Version

Catching a killer has never been so much fun--or so deadly. [After reading the entire letter, I see how it's fun; I see nothing about how it's deadly.]

Paramour Productions adult video director, Kimber Patello has it all, almost--a life in the big city and a job she loves. The only thing missing is red-hot sex with a gorgeous guy. All work and no play make Kimber a dull woman. [A bored woman, maybe; no one wants to read about a dull woman.] That is until Shadow Fallico shows up in the guise of work partner and ends up in her bed instead [Instead of what? He is her work partner, right?].

As a member of The Tennessee Serial Killer Unit, [Lame name. Sounds like a military company composed of hillbilly serial killers. The Dirty Dozen, starring Hannibal Lecter, Jethro Bodine . . .] Shadow Fallico wants nothing more than to nail the guy responsible for the grisly murders of five female adult movie director's. [A serial killer who targets only female adult film directors? The age of specialization has gone too far.][Wait a minute, five female adult movie directors? Six, counting Kimber? In Tennessee?] He's no movie executive, [We know that; he's a member of the TSK Unit. Tsk tsk.] but since his screw up led to the death of the last victim and the perp's escape [Shouldn't this guy have been demoted to school crossing guard by now?], Shadow will do anything to keep Kimber Patello, the next target, alive. [He knows she's the next target? Oh, right, she's the only female adult movie director left in the world.] Even if he must pretend to be an adult moviemaker and drag the sexually repressed [Okay, I bought the scientist turning into a wolverine-in-heat in the last query, but a sexually repressed adult filmmaker? Come on!] creator out from behind her camera and put her in front of it.

When Kimber's boss assigns them a special project filming an amateur's guide to sex, it gives Shadow the break he needs to get closer to his charge. A small budget forces them to use her attic for the steamy scenes [What, her bedroom was too pricey?] and Shadow's more than willing to fill the role of actor if she will be his co-star. [Ah, this explains why she loves her job.] Can Shadow keep his guard up when his mind is filled with hot sex and Kimber, the woman of his dreams? [He'll do anything to keep her alive, even star with her in an adult film? This guy is the ultimate self-sacrificing hero.]

The Amateur's Guide to Killer Sex [Catchy title, but won't readers think the book is a guide? Actually, it might sell like hotcakes if they do.] is a 70,000 word erotic romantic suspense. Currently, I have four novels and three short stories with DiskUs Publishing and Forbidden Publications. In 2001, I received honorable mention in the Writer's Digest Writing Competition [Evil Editor congratulates you, but your real editor won't be as impressed with this one.] and graduated from The Long Ridge Writers Group.

I look forward to hearing from you, and thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Revised Version

Catching a killer has never been so much fun.

Paramour Productions adult video director Kimber Patello has the big city life she wants, and a job she loves. All that's missing is red-hot sex with a gorgeous guy. That is, until Shadow Fallico shows up in the guise of work partner, and ends up in her bed.

A member of The Tennessee Serial Killer Task Force, Shadow wants nothing more than to nail the guy responsible for the grisly murders of five female adult movie directors. His screw-up led to the death of the last victim and the perp's escape; now Shadow vows to keep Kimber, the next target, alive--even if it means dragging her out from behind her camera and putting her in front of it.

When Kimber's boss assigns them a special project filming an amateur's guide to sex, it gives Shadow the break he needs to stay close to his charge. A small budget forces them to use her home for the steamy scenes and Shadow is more than willing to fill the role of actor if she will be his co-star. But can Shadow keep his guard up when his mind is on Kimber, the woman of his dreams?

Not For Amateurs is a 70,000-word erotic romantic suspense. May I send you the complete manuscript? Currently, I have four novels and three short stories with DiskUs Publishing and Forbidden Publications. I am a graduate of The Long Ridge Writers Group.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Another possible title: Who Is Killing the Great Female Porno Film Directors of Tennessee?

It's not clear why Kimber is safer from a serial killer if she's in front of the camera rather than behind it. It's not clear why the cop can't simply tell Kimber she's the next target, rather than posing as a colleague. It's not clear why Paramour Productions, one of the biggest names in adult films (they manage to pay Kimber's salary, anyway), has stooped to producing a film whose budget is so low the director has to perform in the film in her own attic. The answers to these questions are in the book, no doubt, but an editor may feel there are just too many holes here. And Evil Editor is in no position to fill in those holes.

The appeal of a romance to a reader, I would think, lies in putting herself in the place of the heroine as she deals with the romantic conflict. Sorry to sound Evil, but resolving the heroine's conflict of sexual repression by having her get laid in the attic while someone films her for a nationally distributed xxx video that will no doubt be all over the Internet in about three hours may thrill only a limited number of readers. Now, if Kimber were a sexually repressed cop in California, and all the male porn stars at Paramour were being killed, so she took a secretarial position at the company to investigate on the sly, got the hots for porn star Rod Driver, and on the very day the killer was planning to go after Rod, his co-star didn't show up, and he coyly suggested that Kimber step in, we might have something. Now were talking about a believable plot.