Face-Lift 347

Guess the Plot

Bear Tamer

1. They call Vincent Forrester II the Bear Tamer--he knows how to make money even when the market is down. But when it comes to love, he's never been serious until Tatiana comes to work for him. Can this fiery Russian tame the bear tamer?

2. A seventeen-year-old girl--and her bear--is the only hope of the world as an evil tyrant seeks to unleash a plague of destruction. Also, a werewolf.

3. When Milton Griggs answered the ad in the South Spockett Gay Times, he never dreamed "Bear" would turn out to be Mr. Griffith from the filling station. Not that he's complaining, mind you.

4. A teenager befriends an enormous bear, and together they defeat an evil dragon which has terrorized the countryside for generations. Injured in the battle, he's taken to a nearby noble's house, where the elderly nurse recognizes him as the long-lost heir to the throne.

5. Jim and Larry live in a trailer near Jackson, Wyoming. Their favorite game is "bear tamer," but Larry's tired of being the bear, and Jim refuses to switch. Maybe it's time to go fishing.

6. What if the Indians had been able to domesticate Grizzly Bears and built an empire out of “bear-power” before the Europeans first arrived? This alternate history novel not only explores the ramifications of the Great Bear Empire, but extrapolates it out to the 22nd Century, as the “Old World” struggles to break free from the yoke of the Bear Empire’s dominance.


Original Version

It’s been one thousand years since the “plague” nearly eradicated the population of Mayall’s world. Is history doomed to repeat itself? BEAR TAMER is a 99,000 word fantasy, adventure novel.

Far away from her home, [Whose home? Oh, Mayall's. I figured Mayall's world was an artificial moon or an amusement park.] at the root of civilization, trouble is brewing in the form of a narcissistic tyrant. He is intent on controlling the world with a power that grants his needs and wants, the same “plague” that destroyed the world so long ago. [I see "plague" is going to be in quotation marks each time we use it. Meaning, it's not really a plague; it's a "plague."] One mysterious woman is on the hunt for a hero who will defeat him, but time is getting short as the tyrant’s power continues to grow.

Mayall is the most skilled archer among the bear tamers at the age of seventeen. Her brother, on the other hand is a clumsy pain-in-the-butt, a surly boy passionate only about his solitude. When refugees file into Mayall’s mountain home they tell of frightening occurrences that have driven them from their farms: unnatural storms, vague messages carved into trees, and werewolves. [Werewolves? Did you say werewolves? Suddenly you have my attention.] The tamers and the refugees are baffled by the attacks, [What attacks? You haven't mentioned any attacks. I guess we're supposed to assume that where there are werewolves, there are attacks. See, that's the trouble with being a werewolf. Even if you're a good werewolf, you have to hope the bear tamers are on the ball, because you just know you're gonna get blamed for any bear attack within fifty miles.] but too frightened to do anything about it.

In a desperate urge to take action, [In desperation,] but without proper volunteers, the council of tamers and refugees [The refugees just got there. Already they're part of the council?] agree to send one person [an improper volunteer, apparently] for information. [Conversation in the council of tamers and refugees:

The tyrant grows more powerful every day. The "plague" is upon us.

We're desperate. The world was destroyed last time this happened.

I suggest we pin all our hopes on one person.

Yes! One person.

But what can one person do against such massive power?

He can gather information.

Ah!]

When that one volunteer dies under the paws of her bear, Mayall takes his place, dragging her guardian, Eas, and pain-in-the-butt, Kufa, into the far west. [Let me get this straight. The council chooses a hero, but before the hero can do anything, Mayall's bear kills him? Mayall, the great bear tamer? And now, despite this monumental screw-up, Mayall becomes the replacement hero, instead of being locked in the pillory?] [Does her bear go on the mission? Or did they put it down after it killed the hero?] She is determined to gather more than just information. [What else will she gather?] Justice must be served.

The three fight through sieges, brave the storms, tackle the werewolves, [ponder the vague messages carved into trees, and] evade mercenaries, while facing the accusation placed on the bear tamers for the attacks. [Who is accusing the bear tamers? The werewolves?] The mysterious woman [You keep calling her that. What's so mysterious about her?] tracks them down with the answer they’ve been looking for, the location of their true enemy.

The woman bestows her special gift on Mayall. The gift grants her the ability to see into people’s hearts and awaken their highest potential. [Of course, awakening the highest potential of someone destined to be a sculptor or a florist doesn't do much good against Mohrgonn, lord of the dark realm.] [I think I know what's mysterious about the mysterious woman: her "gift" is capable of bringing down Mohrgonn, yet it never occurs to her to just bring him down herself.] With this she confronts the enemy that has taken over her world, accused her people for it, and killed her parents. [Hello. My name is Mayall. You killed my father. Prepare to die.] Unknown to Mayall, her enemy is aware of her ability, and plans to use her as a puppet in his scheme. Their battle is a battle of will. In the end, the real hero may be someone never suspected. [If you mean the clumsy pain-in-the-butt brother, I suspected him from the beginning.]

Enclosed is my SASE. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Revised Version

When refugees file into Mayall’s mountain home, they tell of frightening occurrences that have driven them from their farms: unnatural storms, and werewolf attacks. A thousand years ago a similar “plague” nearly eradicated the population of Mayall’s world. She wonders: is history repeating itself?

As the crisis worsens, Mayall sets out to find its source, accompanied by her brother and her guardian. The three brave storms, battle werewolves, and evade mercenaries as they make their way to the root of their civilization, where a tyrant with great magical power is intent on controlling--or destroying--the world.

Unknown to Mayall, her enemy awaits with open arms, planning to use her as a puppet in his scheme. But Mayall has powers of her own, and carries the hopes of her people. What follows is an epic battle of wills upon which rides the fate of a world.

BEAR TAMER is a 99,000-word fantasy adventure novel. The manuscript is complete and available on request. Thank you.


Notes

It was too long. If you aren't going to tell us anything Eas and Kufa do, you may as well leave them out. The revised version is short enough to allow you to add a few bits of important information.

Speaking of Eas, what kind of "guardian" agrees to let their teenaged ward go off in search of the lord of the dark realm?

What kind of first name is Mayall? Did you consider naming her Clapton? Leadbelly?

"The "plague" is a power that grants the tyrant's needs and wants? Can you be more specific? Are the storms and werewolves and vague messages on trees part of the "plague"?

Your plot is: A teenaged girl who's an archery whiz takes on a powerful evil overlord with only her ability to look into hearts and bring out the best in people. (Let's hope she also has her bow and arrows.)

What's the importance of taming bears? The only thing a bear does in the query is kill one of the good guys. Why do they tame bears, and why are they so bad at it?

There's too much vagueness. What are Mohrgonn's powers? What information do they send the hero after?

How does Mayall use or plan to use her gift? To look into the heart of Mohrgonn, and bring out his good side? To turn his minions against him? To convince other people to join the fight? Make it clear how her abilities are useful.