Face-Lift 1014

Guess the Plot

I Wonder What the Title Is

1. Or as I was just saying about one of the junk cars in my yard, I Wonder Where the Title Is.

2. Shattered. The title is Shattered.

3. When Sandie MacMillian discovers she's a character in a novel, she vows to figure out the novel's title. That way she can borrow it from her local library, read it, and stay one step ahead of her pesky author.

4. When Jeff shot Renaldo outside Mark's apartment in Venice, Carlos knew it was time to date Melissa over at the bakery where she hid from sexual predators while having three-ways with strangely angelic men. Meanwhile werewolves are taking over the UK banking system while pay phones rampage through Mississippi, the President of Ecuador comes out as a lesbian gay vampire, and Chuck E Cheese is revealed to be Michael Jackson in disguise. Just another day for EE.

5. When a UFO piloted by Jerry Garcia accidentally abducts Ted and Medusa, they wind up on a journey entangling their own lives on a quantum level with stories about populist vampires and vegetarian Buddhist pirates in a book Medusa is reading, leaving Ted wondering if he's the main character. He begins to profoundly question the very existence of the Author.

6. Recently released from Bellevue, librarian Priscilla Penghas secures an entry position in Plattsburgh, NY. While restocking shelves at night, she discovers a porcupine reading books in the stacks and laughing uproariously. If she tells anyone, it’s back to Bellevue. Her belonephobia prevents her from approaching the porcupine. But she is dying to know what books he reads.



Original Version

“I Wonder What the Title Is,” [is] the story of a man in search of a plot. [Better title: I Wonder Where the Plot Is.]

Ted finds himself unwillingly transported to a blissful Utopian paradise, where he meets a stunningly beautiful woman named Medusa. Naturally all he can think of is returning to the cup of coffee he left on the porch. But seeing as he is now in Utopia, how can he win his way back home? There are no wrongs for him to right, no noble deeds to perform in order to prove his mettle, and no quests to embark on to achieve soaring heights of self-discovery via triumph over colossal odds. [Is there a better explanation of why he wants out than "naturally"?]

He is badly in need of a story line.

Fortunately, when a UFO piloted by Jerry Garcia accidentally abducts Ted and Medusa, they wind up on a journey entangling their own lives on a quantum level with stories in a “book” Medusa starts reading. Tales of populist vampires and vegetarian Buddhist pirates leave Ted wondering if he really is the main character after all. [Unless there are populist vampires and vegetarian Buddhist pirates on the UFO, I don't see why Ted would think he's the main character in the novel.] He begins to profoundly question the benevolence, nay, the very existence of the Author.

In the “novel,” Medusa reads about Camelia, who is sidetracked from an appointment she has made to become a vampire, when the ship she is visiting makes a hasty departure from the dock. The (ahem) honorable crew needed to make a swift exit in order to keep purloined chocolate below decks from the prying eyes of the port commissioner.

To pass time on their journey, Camelia picks up a book about zombies, and starts reading.

At this, Medusa gazes up from the page pleadingly, beseeching the Author not to yield to the worst of impulses by supplanting the narrative with yet another level of recursion.

But it is too late. The Author is long gone, and she succeeds merely in catching the eye of the reader, who no doubt is in agreement with her.

“I Wonder What the Title Is,” the first of the “Wonder” trilogy, is 55,000 words of fine literary meta-fiction. It’s a really cool because it has vampires, pirates, ninjas, zombies, aliens, and – Godzilla. There aren’t any helicopters or big explosions yet, [Are you suggesting the book isn't finished?] but I could add some.

Thank you for your time.


Notes

Is it just a coincidence that this arrived in my in-box on April 1?

I wouldn't mention that this is part of a trilogy. It strikes me as the type of book that seems clever the first time around, but not once the novelty wears off.

Ted "finds himself transported"? I like to see reasons things happen. Was he kidnapped? Did he fall in a rabbit hole?

I'd get Jerry Garcia out of the query and the book.

The query is too wacky. Here's a shorter version that may succeed in maintaining the voice while making the book sound like it is readable:

Ten years after kayaking through a wormhole into a Utopian paradise where he met a stunningly beautiful woman named Medusa, Ted Troob wants out. Bliss is fine for a decade or so, but Ted longs for some good old-fashioned conflict. Besides, there's no Starbucks in this place.

When a UFO piloted by vampire pirates accidentally abducts Ted and Medusa, their lives tangle on a quantum level with the novel Medusa is reading. Scenes with populist vampires and vegetarian Buddhist pirates have Ted wondering if he's the main character. He begins to profoundly question the very existence of the Author.

In her novel, Medusa reads about Camelia, who is stranded aboard a ship she is visiting when it makes a hasty departure from the dock. The (ahem) honorable crew needed to make a swift exit to keep purloined chocolate below decks from the prying eyes of the port commissioner. To pass time on her unexpected voyage, Camelia picks up a book about zombies, and starts reading.

At this, Medusa gazes up from the page pleadingly, beseeching the Author not to yield to the worst of impulses by supplanting the narrative with yet another level of recursion.

Too late. The Author is long gone, and Medusa succeeds merely in catching the eye of the reader, who no doubt is in agreement with her.

In a mere 55,000 words, I Wonder What the Title Is has vampires, pirates, ninjas, zombies, aliens . . . and Godzilla! And that's just chapter 1!

Face-Lift 934

Guess the Plot

Outcasts of Velrune

1. In a totally unprecedented twist, it turns out that the gritty underground resistance to a feelgood totalitarian society is actually where it's at. The kickass heroine doesn't know whom to trust. And the fate of a planet hangs in the balance.

2. Kal'Ta'Rel, Herenvas, and Jolue are sentenced to hang for the murder of popular Dike Nakora. But before they can swing, the wizard KarKaChel frees them, sending them stumbling down the street. Now all they have to do is kill that pesky demon, Archy.

3. When the frontier planet of Velrune decides to clean up its act, it banishes a prostitute, a procuress, a drunk, and an infamous gambler. The four hapless Outcasts, led by the gambler, meet up with a pair of runaway lovers. The rest is history. If you can call something that happens in the future history.

4. Three Velrunian criminals are exiled to the Gohr prison planet, Lycus IV. Of course, what passes as major crime on Velrune (spitting on the sidewalk, undertipping a waiter) doesn't exactly prepare one to live among mass murderers and cannibals. Can these three plucky outcasts not only thrive, but rise to lead a revolution?

5. On a distant planet known as Velrune, humans are supposedly coexisting with Lacarna, a race of human-like beings with cat features. But the humans have enslaved the Lacarna, and a plot is afoot to wipe them out. It's up to two teens, one a human and the other a Lacarna, to prevent genocide . . . and find true love.

6. The nerds and fat kids and skaters are high school outcasts on Earth, but on Velrune it's the athletes and preppies and beautiful people who are outcast. Can Muffy and Landon show the world that there's no stigma to being being attractive and popular?


Original Version

My 84,000-word novel, Outcasts of Velrune, is a fantasy adventure set in its own world [We assume a book is set in its own world.] and features two races, Humans and Lacarna. [The first sentence of a query isn't the place to work in the number of races your novel "features." I'm sure Dan Brown's query didn't proclaim in sentence 1 that "The Da Vinci Code features one race: Humans."] The Humans are like us, [We assume Humans are like us.] with the exception of a few that live for centuries. [If the only difference is that a few of them get older than we do, you're spending too much time contrasting them to us. Basically, they're us.] The Lacarna are Humanlike, [Okay, I think I've got it now. The Humans are like humans, whereas the Lacarna are Humanlike.] but have ears, tails and claws similar to cats. [Ah, the Lacarna are like the performers in Cats.] [Saying a race is Humanlike when it has ears, tails and claws like cats is like saying they're catlike but with arms, legs and heads like humans.] [Or, to get my point across more clearly, it's like saying, They're Humanlike, but with an elephant face, a giraffe neck and a stegosaurus tail.] A few Lacarna can transform into large [Humanlike] panthers. [Out of curiosity, are we going to get to some characters and a plot?] Both races can learn to manipulate the spirits that exist in all living things [and are fascinated by yarn, while neither race has an interest in horticulture or Creole cooking].

The story centers on Maxwell, a 16 year old Human boy, and Evangeline, a 15 year old Lacarna girl. When Max is 6, his father is murdered by bandits. [Once you've declared Max to be 16, you might want to use past tense for the part when he's 6.] Max is raised by his god-father in a small village where he meets and befriends Evangeline. It is Max’s goal to become a Protector, like his father before him. The Protectors are the peacekeepers of Velrune. [Also known as the SS.]

It is not long on Max’s journey to join the Protectors that he learns their ideal [idea?] of peacekeeping is to enslave the Lacarna. [This is the plot of Avatar. Are the Lacarna blue?] He and Eve must both confront the ideals and rules between the races to maintain their friendship. ["Confront the ideals and rules between the races" means nothing to me. Do you mean they must endure racial prejudice?] Once Max does join them [He still joins the Protectors after learning that they're enslaving the Lacarna?] he is given a simple mission that leads him to other characters who sit on one end or the other of the Lacarna/Human issue. [I'd rather know what his mission is than that it leads to his meeting other characters.]

These other characters relay [relate?] the history of Velrune and the differences of the two races. ["They have tails and claws. We don't."] A plot by the Protectors to eliminate the Lacarna is uncovered and Max even learns that his father was in league with another Human to overthrown [overthrow] the Protector leadership.

In the end Max chooses to help set the Lacarna free and destroys the leaders of the Protectors. [He's a kid. Are his spirit-manipulating super powers stronger than the Protectors' powers?] As he and his friends set out to reorganize the Protectors [That was the problem with the Protectors: poor organization.] they are greeted by a mysterious woman who claims her kind created both races and placed them into a small section of the planet. She had been watching the two races to see if they could learn to live together. With Max’s recent actions she decides they are ready to enter into the rest of the World so opens a gap in the surrounding mountains. [Lemme get this straight. The mysterious woman has been watching to see if the two races can live together. When one race enslaves the other she's still on the fence. But when one 16-year-old kid decides to destroy a few of his own kind to impress a girl, this proves that the races are compatible?] We leave Max and Eve [Maybe he should be called Adam to avoid comparisons with the biblical Max and Eve.] ready to venture into the new world as an accidental kiss brings the two closer together. [Sorry, I didn't mean to kiss you. I . . . tripped.]


Notes

We need less about the races and a stronger focus on the main characters.

These sound more like different species than races. Are they identical other than the cat features?

So the mysterious woman's people decided to try an experiment: create two races, identical except that one of them has tails and claws? To determine what? Do the Lacarna lack opposable thumbs? Because all other things being equal, it seems like those claws would have given them a big advantage over the Humans.

Face-Lift 837

Guess the Plot

Lullaby of Allat

1. Legend speaks of the demon-child Allat, who will bring ruin to the world should he awake. The Sacred Order of Choristers are sworn to prevent this from happening, but every year their numbers grow fewer. Can a cocky young inventor with wax cylinder technology save the day?

2. Young Sir Allat is heir to the family secret: a melody that puts its hearers to sleep for 100 years. Everyone in the kingdom is at pains to amuse him, because he has a wicked sense of ironic humor and god only knows what he'd do if somebody bored him.

3. When Dr. Alison Grayden finds a copy of the legendary Medieval poem "Lullaby of Allat" in her late aunt's safe deposit box, she's thrilled. Only--how did the manuscript, lost for 600 years, end up in a safe deposit box in Burbank? Also, a djinn.

4. For years Thea has been tormented by music in her head. But when the demon Acreosate invades, she realizes her destiny: to sing him to sleep! Right after she convinces the king to put a 13 year old girl in charge of the army.

5. When a zombie shows up on her doorstep seeking an explanation for his reanimation, Louisa is thrust into an adventure that takes her to Bulgaria and the tomb of an ancient bandit who worshiped Allat, the Mesopotamian goddess of the underworld. Does Allat's lullaby have the power to wake the dead?

6. When permanent insomnia strikes the king and queen of Khobistan, their health is at risk. Then a troubadour named Allat arrives, claiming his songs can bring sleep--but for a price: their first-born. Is that price worth the nightmares that will accompany the . . . Lullaby of Allat?



Original Version

Dear EE:

Louisa Dove is the practical, hardworking assistant of a prominent archaeologist in Victorian era London. Things [What things?] take a turn for the strange, however, [That transitional phrase makes no sense here, as you haven't described or declared a situation in which "things" weren't strange. Quite the opposite, in fact: a female archaeologist in Victorian-era London is pretty strange to begin with. To clarify, in which of the following does the transition work:

Bob's job making pads by gluing the top edge of sheets of paper together is so boring, the most exciting part of his day is when a telemarketer phones to suggest he switch long-distance carriers. However, his life takes a turn for the bizarre when . . .

Bob is a unicycle mechanic. However, his life becomes strange when . . .]
when formerly deceased pickpocket Pete Daggney [Never use terms like "formerly deceased" or "undead" when you can instead use "zombie." In fact, even if Daggney isn't a zombie, I recommend calling him "zombie-like" or saying, . . . when Pete Daggney, who gives every indication of being . . . a ZOMBIE! . . . ] turns up on her doorstep, seeking an explanation for his sudden reanimation. [He doesn't need her for an explanation. If he craves blood, he's a vampire. If he craves brains he's a zombie. And if neither of those is the case, he's the son of God.] [By the way, what makes him think she has an explanation?] An occult artifact of unknown origin is to blame, [I have an artifact, and I have no idea where it came from, but I know it is responsible for turning you into a zombie.] but to undo Daggney's unfortunate state, Louisa and her mentor must track the object back to its source. [How do they know they must do this?]

Along the way, their journey is riddled with complications, thanks to the meddling of the charming Mr. Villiers, amature [amateur] treasure hunter and future English Earl, unexpected Bulgarian railway bandits, [No need to call Bulgarian railway bandits "unexpected." No one expects Bulgarian railway bandits.] [For that matter, no one expects Bulgarians.] and not one, but two secret societies [If one secret society is a drawing card, two is a major attraction. Of course, the more secret societies you have in one place, the harder it is for them to stay secret.] seeking the same prize. [If you mean the same prize that Louisa is seeking, I didn't know she was seeking a prize. What is the prize?] Now, Louisa is caught up in a race to locate the tomb of an ancient [Bulgarian] bandit king, before what is contained within can be used to raise an army of the dead [zombies], and threaten the sanctity of the British Empire. [Is "sanctity" the word you want? I was thinking "stability" or "security." Or "braaaaaiiiiins."]

LULLABY OF ALLAT is an updated version of the Victorian pulp serial, with elements taken from turn of the century [Turn of which century?] gothic novels and traditional scientific romance. [Traditional scientific romance:

It is action-packed, fast-paced and complete at 90,000 words.


[Not part of query: ((Allat is a Mesopotamian goddess of the underworld, whom the aforementioned bandit king worshipped.))]


Notes

Was the bandit king the king of some bandits or a king who was also a bandit? I don't see why a king would want to be a bandit or why bandits would want a king, but then I'm not Bulgarian.

Louisa goes to an awful lot of trouble to make Pete the pickpocket dead again. Assuming Pete wants to be dead again, can't they just burn him at the stake?

The first paragraph is a useful setup, but I think I'd prefer the second paragraph focus on what's in the tomb and who wants to use it to destroy Britain than on secret societies and bandits and an annoying earl.

For those who like to keep track of such things, this is the first appearance of Bulgarians in a query since Face-Lift 280.

Face-Lift 827

Guess the Plot

Spy

1. After forty-nine years of beak-nosed mayhem in the pages of Mad Magazine, the "Spy Vs. Spy" rivalry ends in a bloody total victory... but for which Spy?

2. Hillbilly boy genius Buddy Boone and his sidekick Howie find a pigeon behind the shed. The bird has a computer chip tied to its leg. Buddy hacks the chip using a decoder app on his iPhone and discovers a plot to wipe out mankind and turn the world over to a dog and some monkeys! What faceless fiend is behind this scheme? The boys must go undercover and snoop around until they find out!

3. He's got the gadgets, the black leather bag full of unmarked hundreds, the fake passports--and no memory of whose side he's on . . . except for a faint recollection of a woman wearing jasmine perfume.

4. Ferris Samson runs a counter-intelligence unit in Southern California. After his best operative turns up dead, a parcel arrives containing a children's picture book. Can he find the clues in the images before something BAD happens?

5. The newest member of the spy ring known as Spies Serving Society is also the only adult in the ring. Not only that, he's Black Dragon: the world's greatest spy. But before he even has time to settle in, Black Dragon is captured. Should the SSS try to rescue him? Do they really want to hang out with a big person?

6. When Finnegan is assigned the dangerous task of infiltrating the mob, he knows that one wrong move means he'll be sleeping with the fishes. So when the Don drops in unexpectedly and Finnegan is dining on Fettuccini Alfredo, he must think fast. Luckily he has a jar of Emeril's Kicked-up Tomato sauce in the pantry.



Original Version

Dear Editor,

When the spy ring known as Spies Serving Society gain a new member, they are surprised to find that he is not only the first adult in their small group, but also the infamous Black Dragon, the best stealth master in the business. At first delighted, they soon become worried when their base comes under attack. [Their base? Oh, you mean their clubhouse. Is their clubhouse in a tree?] [When you're under attack, you usually have a stronger reaction than becoming worried. You usually have to fight off the attackers.] Dragon explains that his former leader, General Ursa, did not want him to leave her ring, and the SSS agree to help him, despite their misgivings. [The world's greatest spy becomes a free agent and decides to join a spy ring that's all kids? Would James Bond leave MI-6 to join the Baker Street Irregulars? Hypothetically; I realize he couldn't, because the Baker Street Irregulars are fictional.]

But when Dragon is captured by the nefarious General Ursa, [He's the best stealth master in the business and he's captured five minutes after he gets there?] the SSS's loyalty is put to the test. [Loyalty to a guy who just got there and who immediately brought their base under attack?] [Side note: Black Dragon sounds like the worst stealth master in the business.] They can rescue him – risking imprisonment or death – or leave him to his fate. [Tough choice. Imprisonment and death or . . . nothing.] The choice is theirs, but it may not be as simple as they think, thanks to a traitor in their midst.

At 60,000 words, Spy is a futuristic adventure novel for mid- to late teens.

Thank you for considering my work.

Sincerely,


Notes

The only characters who get named are the villain and the superspy who gets captured minutes after joining the SSS. Is there a main character (for instance, the leader of the SSS) you can focus on, or does everyone in the SSS get equal billing?

An actual spy ring with no adults sounds like it would be an easier sell to a middle grade audience.

You have room on the page for another two or three sentences of plot. Something about what happens after Black Dragon is captured. Maybe something about who the SSS spies on and spies for. Spy rings usually serve a country or a big organization. In what way do these spies serve society?

Face-Lift 804

Guess the Plot

Thieves of Hearts

1. Two sisters from a noble family happen into Sherwood Forest where they team up with Robin Hood and steal the hearts of two of his Merry Men. Will the girls reveal their background and risk losing their outlaw boyfriends if it means preventing a plot against King Richard?

2. Carl is outraged the former Vice President ordered a younger heart be stolen to replace the mechanical one he is currently using. The quest leads him to the famed Rom Dismemberment clan of Northern Hemocardiostan, somewhere near Turkey. Also, vats of baby blood.

3. June (Gary) McBride (age 73) and May (Mark) Flora (age 75) wrote this year's top selling romantic comedy "Steal my Heart". They are kidnapped by a government think tank who claim the book's popularity is caused by their inclusion of an ancient love spell. Chaos ensues.

4. Darien is a gorgeous young man and part of a crew of four playboys, each devoted to landing a rich and beautiful "cougar" and marrying into money. But when his quarry's beautiful and very single daughter gives him the eye, he feels something he's never felt before--could this be love?

5. For years the fearsome Hawk of London has pillaged and murdered his way to infamy as he takes his revenge on the upper classes who sent his mother to Australia. But when he meets the lovely Lady Cordelia, he decides Australia probably isn't that bad.

6. Metaphor is unheard of in Danny's world. When he and his raggedy band of travelers enter an interdimensional portal, each of them falls in love. Hilarity ensues when a bloodthirsty English teacher tells them all about capturing the heart of their beloved.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Morgan and Addison have been raised as perfect medieval gentlewomen...and deadly assassins. After all, their father commands the powerful fraternity of nobles, the Parliament of Owls. [The phrase "after all" suggests that whatever follows will explain whatever came before, namely why the ladies are assassins. So it needs to be obvious what the Parliament of Owls has to do with assassins. It isn't. Using an example to clarify, in which of the following pairs of sentences is "after all" a sensible transition?

1. Maria probably can speak Spanish. After all, she grew up in Barcelona.

2. Maria probably can speak Spanish. After all, she drives a purple Ford.] But when he goes too far during one of his drunken rages, they take their training and run. [Okay, Quiz #2. In which sentence is "but" a sensible conjunction (keeping in mind that "but" suggests a logical relationship between what comes before it and after it; a but b means In spite of the fact that a is true, b is unexpectedly true)?

1. Vanilla is my favorite ice cream flavor, but today I bought chocolate.

2. Vanilla is my favorite ice cream flavor, but I drive a purple Ford.

Note that in sentence 2, the "but" was placed between two statements that are not related. Not unlike saying, Morgan's father commands a fraternity of nobles but she ran away because of his temper.] [Another possible problem here is that readers may think you mean the Parliament of Owls run away, as that is the last collective noun mentioned.] [So, get rid of the transitions in sentences 2 and 3 and change "they" to "Morgan and Addison" in sentence 3 and we're off to paragraph 2.]

The sisters find shelter in Sherwood Forest, and unexpected allies: Robin Hood and his band of outlaws. They come to appreciate a simple life of freedom. More than that, each sister is enjoying the charms of a certain rugged scofflaw. [This makes it sound like they're each enjoying the charms of the same rugged scofflaw. Which would make for a spicier plot, but having read ahead, I know that each has her own rugged scofflaw.] [Also, if they are referred to as "scofflaws" in your book, you may want to rethink, as that term didn't exist until it was coined in 1923.]

Then, during a mission to free one of their own from the Sheriff of Nottingham, the band learns that the Parliament of Owls is planning to strike a devious political blow against the absent king. Only Morgan and Addison have the information and abilities to stop it. If the sisters reveal their pasts, they may lose the men they have come to love--but if they do not, the throne of England could be lost for good. [Only my British minions can say whether they'd be willing to take down the throne of England in order to preserve a romance with someone they've known a few weeks. My guess: yes, in a heartbeat.]

Thieves of Hearts is a young adult novel, complete at 65,000 words, told in alternating voices. The story stands alone but sets up an intended trilogy. The first five pages are below. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

Sounds like a good story. This plot works fine even if the girls aren't trained assassins. They flee their father's drunken rages, join up with Robin Hood, discover the Owls' plot, and know how to get to the old man, but don't want to reveal how they know. Thus you don't need to call them trained assassins in the query, but if you choose to do so, I think you should reveal how they plan to use their abilities. Are they considering assassinating their father? Or someone else?

Face-Lift 771

Guess the Plot

Vampyre Guardian

1. Pasty, brooding Edwin becomes even more melodramatic when his girlfriend Betty develops a too-close-for-comfort relationship with a rather hairy boy named Jeremy. Did I mention this has vampyres and werewolves and I totally did not camp onto the Twilight phenomenon?

2. Marco cares for the kilometer-wide garden surrounding the castle of Countess Alexia who has forsworn blood in favor of devouring the essence of flowers. When the local villagers form a stake-wielding mob, they'll have to get past Marco and his army of award-winning hybrid man-eating roses.

3. Agatha, an angel-obsessed teen, searches for a miracle that will save her dying father. What she finds is Patch, a vampyre who will save her father from his illness--if she promises to help him win back the vampyress of his dreams.

4. Lord Bavlov's life is perfect, he has a swinging bachelor's castle with a sweet party coffin and a bevy of young goth girls begging to be bitten. Yep, it's pretty fang-tastic. But all that changes when Molly, his young light-loving sister dies and Bavlov finds himself entrusted with the care of young Mallory, his six year old niece.

5. High school student Damira is the one person who can stop Vampyre Israith from becoming all-powerful and destroying the world, but to do so she must travel to the mountains of India and kill Israith at midnight on her 18th birthday. Maybe her Vampyre guardian will help. But is it worth missing her birthday party?

6. Gina is tired of being the membership recruitment officer for SPAS--Society for the Preservation of Archaic Spelling--and is thrilled when new member Vlad offers to take over her job. But she can't help feeling concerned when local spelling bees start turning cut-throat . . . literally.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Damira is a seventeen year old girl with a destiny. She must find the Vampyre, Israith, and kill him at midnight on her eighteenth birthday. [If she knows she must do this, I'd call it a mission rather than her destiny. If she doesn't know, why would she even look for Israith?] See, in her world, Vampyres are there to protect their human Charges and Israith broke the most sacred rule of all, he killed his Charge, Illyria.

One day after school, Damira is walking home when she is accidentally hit by a mysterious biker. She finds out his name is Zelimir and he is a Vampyre without a Charge. Aside from the way he sort of creeps her out, she realizes that she’s falling for his charm. [He's sort of like Hannibal Lecter. A charming guy, but you wish he'd kill his victims before eating them.]

Soon, though, she starts having disturbing dreams that predict Zelimir’s death [Are you saying her dreams normally come true?] and she pushes him away for his own safety. [Is she his Charge at this point? Was she already another Vampyre's Charge? How many people have Vampyre guardians?] Of course he doesn’t stay away, enrolling in her school and practically stalking her. [Do all Vampyres whose Charges are in high school enroll, or do some of them just drop their Charges off in the morning and pick them up in the afternoon?] He even saves her life from a would-be assassin Vampyre. [So Vampyres are there to protect their human Charges . . . from Vampyres?] [Bully to wimpy kid: Meet me in the parking lot after school. My Vampyre's gonna beat your Vampyre to a pulp.]

She gives up trying to push him away and they Bind themselves to each other (basically a sharing of blood between the Vampyre and human that creates a psychic link between them).

Things are peaceful then for a few weeks until Damira begins having more visions, but this time they’re of the past, no the future; and in them, Zelimir’s not the good guy. So, Damira tricks him into telling her about his past and what she discovers startles her.

Zelimir was an agent of Israith’s all along! [She knows who Israith is? Does that mean she knows about her destiny to kill him?] This time when she pushes him away, she uses a gun. Later that night, another assassin attacks, a Vampyre named Ivee, and Damira just barely escapes with her life. [These Vampyre assassins really need to find a different line of work.]

She flees to Europe where she is still being stalked and having more ‘memory visions’. She makes it to India before the Vampyre assassins find her again. There, in the middle of a marketplace, Zelimir catches and sedates her and locks her in the trunk of a car going on a one way trip to Israith’s hideout in the mountains. [Does she flee to India because she knows Israith is there, or is it coincidence?]

There, she must battle murderous Vampyres who all await her eighteenth birthday, the day Israith will seal his pact with ancient demons that will grant him incredible and unstoppable power. Can Damira save the world, or will she die trying? [Clearly she will die trying unless she has powers you haven't told us about. How can a 17-year-old girl defeat murderous Vampyres? I don't even see how she escaped from the trunk of the car.]

Vampyre Guardian is a 50,000 word young adult romanticy actionventure [?] and I'm looking for representation. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely


Notes

If Israith becomes all-powerful on Damira's 18th birthday, wouldn't it be better to kill him before her 18th birthday instead of on it?

Humans have Vampyre guardians to protect them from other Vampyres, but I don't see what the Vampyre guardians get out of the arrangement. Do Vampyre guardians drink human blood? Are Vampyres villains to everyone except their Charges?

Why are "Vampyre" and "Charge" capitalized?

The murderous Vampyres seem to know Israith becomes all-powerful on Damira's 18th birthday. Does that mean they also know she is the one destined to kill him? Why would Vampyres chase Damira to India where Israith has his hideout? If they just left her alone in school she'd have been nowhere near him on her 18th birthday. If Israith needs Damira to be present in order to become SuperVampyre, say so.

Why does Israith become SuperVamp on Damira's 18th birthday? Why not on his own x birthday? As it is, your setup is: Israith will become the king of the Vampyres on the day one specific high school girl on the other side of the planet turns eighteen. That's too random. There has to be some link between Damira and Israith.

You have eight paragraphs of plot. That's way too much detail. Cut it to three. A paragraph of setup: Israith will become SuperV if he drinks the blood of his maker's descendant on her 18th birthday. A paragraph about how Demira lands in India, which just happens to be Israith's location, and a paragraph about how she saves the world.

You can leave out Zelimir if it turns out he's a villain. I assume he's the hero, however, so there ought to be something about him being heroic in India, like he battles alongside Demira against the murderous Vampyres.

Face-Lift 718

Guess the Plot

Lone Wilder

1. He thought he could get over his anxiety problems all by himself, but Stan Wilder is quickly realizing that he may be on his own forever, especially now that he can’t walk out his front door.

2. Eleven year-old Billy Keefer attempts to draw a new comic book hero called the Lone Wilder. But when the character leaps off the page - literally - and starts causing havoc in Billy's life, Billy realizes he's getting more than he bargained for.

3. Cornered in his mountain hideaway, Dracula escapes by time traveling to 1942 to join forces with Hitler. But a secret government agency uses equipment discovered in Roswell, New Mexico to send a super-powered agent after Dracula, an agent named . . . Lone Wilder.

4. No one wanted much to do with the stranger when he arrived in town. Pleasantville, Montana was a quiet place with no desire to host an ex-outlaw (or whatever he was--nobody was certain). But when the werewolves started showing up, only one man had the guts to deal with them: Lone Wilder.

5. After 7 years of partying with almost no effort at graduation, Van Wilder is forced to grow up and joins the Texas Rangers. But when he barely survives an ambush that kills five other Rangers, he decides to dig six graves and don a mask, leaving behind his original identity forever to become . . . the Lone Wilder.

6. Some folks thought the glory days of the old west were long gone, but cattle rustler Lone Wilder is back, and being six feet under for more than a hundred years has made him mighty grumpy.


Original Version

Dear Mr. Evil Editor,

Lone Wilder emerges from thirteen years of self-imposed isolation [When your name is "Lone," you're pretty much doomed to isolation, self-imposed or not.] to enter into the secretive and unregulated agency, the New Technology Testing Center. He learns that a time-traveling fiend called Dracula is responsible for the deaths of his parents as well as other atrocities throughout time. However, this Dracula is not the “vampire” that legend has made him out to be. He is a product of human cloning from ten thousand years in the future and bent on protecting the fate of his society. [Protecting the fate of his society from what? What is the fate of his society?] [Not clear if he's a clone of the original Dracula.] [Is he a vampire in any way? Does he drink blood?] [Wait a minute, Dracula is a character in your book, and your title is some other character? One whose first name is, inexplicably, Lone? Would anyone have gone to the new Sherlock Holmes movie if it were titled Lord Blackwood? What's a better title, Mary or Bride of Frankenstein?]

The NTTC discovers Dracula in his mountain hideaway [The guy travels 10,000 years to the past and then hides away in a mountain? Shouldn't he be doing something?] and launches an attack against him. Lone, thinking that he can do better than the NTTC agents, defies orders and faces off against Dracula. When Lone realizes that he is no match for the creature, one of the NTTC scientists snatches him from certain death using an untested technology which alters Lone’s genetic code. Finding himself suddenly empowered with certain extraordinary abilities such as superior strength and speed, Lone now has not only the will to destroy Dracula but also the means.

When Dracula escapes to 1942 Germany in the hopes of joining forces with Hitler, [Now that's refreshing. A time traveler who isn't trying to kill Hitler.] [Suggested title: Dracula Versus Hitler. You'll have to change the plot so Dracula and Hitler are enemies, but it's worth it for that title. Also, I recommend editing Lone Wilder out of the book.] Ablikin, the mysterious and elusive head of the NTTC, sends Lone after him using the transportation technology discovered in Roswell, New Mexico. [How convenient. You're hopelessly outmatched by a villain with time-travel technology from 10,000 years in the future, and you happen upon your own time-travel technology.] [How do they know what year Dracula went to? How do they know he time traveled rather than became invisible?] During his journey, Lone realizes that his presence is a bigger part of history than he could have imagined. [Especially if he somehow manages to kill Hitler. It was too much to hope that no one would try to kill Hitler.] Finding himself now trapped in the past, Lone uncovers Ablikin’s startling secret.

LONE WILDER is a tale of adventure complete at 109,000 words. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to your ridicule and harsh comments (as well as those of the minnions!)

Sincerely,


Notes

We need to know how your Dracula is related to the Dracula.

A fiend who travels through history committing atrocities should have better things to do than kill Lone Wilder's parents. Wait, did he kill Lone Wilder's parents so Lone Wilder would never exist because he knew Lone Wilder would one day be responsible for his demise, and because he found the name "Lone" highly annoying, only he got the date wrong and Lone had already been born? It's always better to go after the grandparents than the parents. You don't have to be as accurate with your time travel.

If you insist on naming the guy Lone, I suggest that after he gains his super powers, he take on a cool superhero name like Time Man or Superguy.

Face-Lift 543

Guess the Plot

Dragon's Beginning

1. Hunky anthropologist Petr von Bigun is researching an ancient, forgotten tribe on a remote Pacific island when the sea literally starts to boil. The natives whisper of "Dragon's Beginning" and of the end of the world. Can Petr, aided by voluptuous beach volleyball pro Anette Sands, learn the tribe's ancient language and rituals in time to save the planet from annihilation?

2. When Robby finds a dragon in a box, he makes his way to a magical land where he must drive out evil to inherit a kingdom and rescue a damsel from the evil tower. If he survives to his sixteenth birthday he'll inherit dragon powers, and shapeshifting ability, and might be able to save his family. Also, a grumpy bard.

3. Tired of dealing with riots, Zhu Tzu turns in his officer's badge and heads to the US to start a Chinese restaurant "The Dragon." His endeavour is a success, until his dragon logo comes alive and starts eating employees that complain too much. Can Zhu Tzu soothe the dragon's fragile ego and set things right? And what will happen when a notorious food critic tastes the egg drop soup?

4. Two oversized lizards in love. A passionate encounter. A fateful mutation on chromosome 18. Three weeks of incubation, and: enter, the dragon. Teased by the rest of the Brachiosaurs, he hides in the back of the herd. When a pack of Allosaurs arrives, will he save the day or turn his back on the herd that scorned him?

5. In the beginning was the Dragon. And the Dragon was hungry. And the Dragon was made of flesh, as were the things it preyed upon. And this was good. For the Dragon. But for the other fleshy things, not so much. Thus the need for Galwayn the Dragonslayer and his thirsty sword Mordran. With the assistance of a reluctant soothsayer, a buxom lady’s maid, and a disinherited earl, the stalwart Galwayn sets out to assure that the dragon’s beginning is speedily followed by its end.

6. Alexios Andronikos was born poor and patronless on the back streets of 14th century Trebizond. When his desperate parents sell the strikingly beautiful child, he is castrated and trained for harem life. But Alexios was born to be a warrior, and there will be no denying his destiny. Escape, martial arms training, intrigue, and his own dauntless nature propel Alexios’s transformation from eunuch slave to The Dragon, Scourge of Byzantium.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Details about agent, personalized from research. I hope you enjoy DRAGON'S BEGINNING, the first book in my YA fantasy-adventure series. The novel is complete at 65,000 words.

The tale of a boy and his dog is classic. When the boy is a young sorcerer named Robby who doesn't know he's also half dragon, classic turns fantastic. Mix in his guardian Dire Wolf, Mearlyn, and the amazing creatures and magic's of the land of Drakos Dnal [and you have . . . what?].

Robby's house is destroyed and his mother has disappeared. His only hope of finding her comes from the mysterious black box he unearths from the ruins. [It's obvious what happened: a plane crashed into the house.] Unfortunately, it comes with a dragon-in-the-box. [Is the dragon in the black box? Or is there a dragon-in-a-box inside the black box? The dragon-in-a-box being like a Jack-in-the-box, but instead of a clown popping up, a dragon pops up and spews a wall of flames on the child.] [Expect a massive recall on these within weeks of their arriving from China, by the way.] Setting off with Mearlyn, Robby follows the clue from the dragon, [What clue?] discovering nothing in the land is as it seems. [What land?]

He learns he is the heir to a kingdom - if he can drive the evil from the land. [When it comes to real estate, there's always a catch.] [Is he heir to Drakos Dnal?] He finds friends and enemies along the way, [The way where? Is he going somewhere?] while dodging the evil Daemon who will stop at nothing to steal Robby's magic. [What magic? Is Robby a sorcerer before his house is destroyed? Does he seem to be a sorcerer in "the land"? Because I remember you saying nothing was as it seems.] When one of his companions, Isabelle, is captured, [or at least seems to have been captured.] Robby is given a choice - offer himself up to save her, or find her before time runs out. With new allies - including a grumpy Bard and a batty witch, [Are they really a grumpy Bard and a batty witch? If so, could we have an example of something that isn't as it seems? So far, everything is as it seems.] he discovers where Isa is held. Breaching the tower, Robby must use his wits to rescue her and destroy the tower's evil magic.

While continuing the search for his mother, Robby is shocked to discover the true secret of their past. On his sixteenth birthday, he will inherit dragon powers - great magic and the ability to shift form. [If I had great magic and the ability to shift form, I wouldn't bother trying to drive evil out of some kingdom so I could inherit it. Who needs the aggravation?]

Through his journeys, Robby realizes he cares about saving not just his friends and family, but the land itself. Drawn deeper into this dangerous game, he knows he must eventually fight - and hopefully win - against Daemon, the only one to ever find magic more powerful than a dragon's. Until then, his family will be lost [His family, meaning his mother? Who else is lost?] and Drakos Dnal will continue to be enslaved.

Dragon's Beginning is my first novel. I'd be happy to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,


Notes

It sounds more like middle grade to me.

You keep bringing up stuff and assuming we know what you're talking about. You know everything. We know nothing. Give us a clear progression of the main plot. How and when does Robby get to Drakos Dnal? What's his plan when he gets there?

How come when Robby was fifteen, and didn't yet have dragon powers, Daemon, who has magic more powerful than a dragon's, was so eager to steal Robby's magic? That's like Donald Trump stealing a quarter from a homeless guy.

Although this is missing some key information, it's a bit too long. You'll have to determine which information we can do without.

Face-Lift 475

Guess the Plot

Life Code From Brooklyn

1. Cloning has eliminated genetic diseases, and scientists have engineered highly intelligent people. But in 2112, the world that was supposed to be perfect is falling apart. Skip Wellington has gone to a graveyard in Brooklyn, desperate to uncover some viable DNA. Can he clone a plumber before every last toilet in New York City is clogged?

2. After Tony got neutralized by the KTG, he spent all his time lamenting his lost virginity, combing his toupée, and raising levels of urban insecurity by broadcasting ads for "Loretta's Bed-o-rama," an imaginary brothel, on his CB radio. But when he finds a body in the dumpster he knows the culprit: Mr. Whiskers, a dubious across-the-alley neighbor. How can he prove it?

3. When a strange, half-fish half-rat creature crawls from the East River and, gasping its first primitive breaths, tells a tourist, "Fuck You," scientists think they've found the key to unlocking the secrets of evolution. Little Fanny Sue adopts the foul creature as a pet, however, leading to years of lawsuits and two lucrative book deals.

4. Just when Trudy Hench thought it was safe to stage another play, along comes Homeland Security with 584 new safety rules: shoes must be x-rayed, handbags must be checked, lights must stay on bright the whole time, no simulated explosions or costumes that cover the face are allowed, etc., etc. Who can play by those rules? She'd rather take it to court!

5. Bartolino Ferranti, MD teams up with an attractive female geneticist and a longshoreman to collect life forms from deep-sea ocean vents. But their attempt to develop useful microbes forces them to weave through webs of politics and organized crime. Possibly they should have performed their experiments somewhere other than Brooklyn, where the mob has their hands in every bowl of primordial soup.

6. When 9 year old Lala McGee grabs her steel Starbucks cup and conks an unruly customer at the lemonade stand, she doesn't plan how to explain what happened to crooked homicide detective Gus "Chicken-face" Lombardi. Too bad everything she says only makes it worse. Then there's diabolical prosecutor Lloyd "Fatboy" Nelson: he'll soon be running for mayor and wants to toast Lala with the death penalty.


Original Version

Dear Agent:

Scientists no longer think life started on the surface of our planet based on carbon, oxygen and water. The first surface of our planet was like its current molten interior, a mixture of chemicals that can support life forms [Archaea] that exist free from carbon, oxygen and water. Early Archaea may have evolved into today's creatures. DNA or deoxyribonucleic acid serves as the life code for the reproduction of all creatures. Archaea exist today at deep-sea oil seeps, volcanic ocean vents and perhaps outer space. [What is this, the transcript of a National Geographic documentary?]

Life Code from Brooklyn is based on the science of genetic engineering. While Bartolino Ferranti MD [Change his name to Bart Ferrari. You want him to sound like a stud, not a pizza chef.] is trying to reconcile a relationship with his estranged son, he teams up with an attractive female genetic engineer and a longshoreman leader. With his son they collect Archaea from deep-sea ocean vents. [Shouldn't they team up with some divers instead of a longshoreman?] They attempt to develop useful microbes genetically engineered from these Archaea. Their pursuits force them to weave through entangling webs of politics, big business, and organized crime. Life Code from Brooklyn is an 88,000 word action/adventure novel. [Action/adventure? Your plot is three people try to make useful microbes out of Archaea.]

As a Yale educated physician, I have had an eventful teaching career as Director of Allergy at Long Island College Hospital in Brooklyn. [You're just the guy I need to talk to. This fucking Allegra does nothing to stop me from sneezing. It's fucking January, there shouldn't be any pollen anyway. I never should have gone with the generic version; I can't even pronounce it. Sorry I'm venting on you, but what good would it do to complain to the drug companies? Those bastards want me to be sick. It's the only way they make money.] I in part wrote and edited a textbook titled Food Allergy for allergists that was judged the best by Lancet. As a result I consulted for an agricultural genetic engineering firm, General Foods, and the makers of MSG. [I don't trust any ingredient that's so hard to pronounce they abbreviate it. Plus, MSG has been shown to cause glaucoma in rats (which is why I never take my rat to Chinese restaurants). And you say you're in the pocket of the MSG manufacturers? What am I supposed to do about this burning and the numbness and the bronchospasms? Just stop eating Mongolian shrimp? That'll be the day.] I also co-authored a book for the general public entitled " What your doctor may not have told you about your Child's asthma and allergy" [He's been sneaking MSG-laden snacks from the school vending machines. That's why he can't breathe, lady.]

Recently I began to write fiction. [Actually, you started writing fiction when you wrote that report on the numerous health benefits of massive amounts of MSG in the diet.] I have won first place in the 2005 Connecticut Authors & Publishers Association Annual Writing Contest. in the Poetry division for my entry "Inner City Asthma Rap".

[You say you can't breathe but you ain't been capped,
Well dig me while I drop on you the asthma rap.
You chillax in the ghetto where there's shit in the air,
Better pack your inhaler when you stuck down there.]

I had a short story "Children are Precious'' published in January, 2006 issue of www. thirstforfire.com. A second short story ``The Impatient Patient at a New York City Hospital'' [I gotta hand it to you: your titles don't leave me wondering what the story's about.] was published in issue 13 of www.LauraHird.com .

Michael Crichton's best selling book Next and Vincent Patrick's Family Business demonstrates a significant commercial interest in a work of fiction that has the science of genetic engineering as a theme. [I have a different theory: Michael Crichton's ability to get a novel involving genetic engineering published demonstrates a significant commercial interest in works of fiction by Michael Crichton.]

Sincerely,


Notes

There's too much here about scientists and you, and not enough about your story. Dump that first paragraph and get to the attractive female genetic engineer as soon as possible. Why are they messing with microbes? What use are they hoping to find for them? Who's trying to stop them, and why? Are they in danger? I see nothing to indicate this is an action/adventure. As the old saying goes, you can't sell a pie by describing a saltine.

Face-Lift 440

Guess the Plot

Blades of the Fallen

1. Tori Dean couldn't land a triple Salchow. She was ready to hang up her skates, until the mysterious old hag in the spangled costume gave her a set of gold-plated blades. Can Tori make it to the Olympics skating on Tonya's . . . Blades of the Fallen?

2. Competing with reality TV, on-demand movies, video games and more was putting Bob’s sport franchise out of business. Needing a new slant on an old sport, Bob is inspired to create Blades of the Fallen – combining the grace and beauty of ice skating with the action and blood of ultimate fighting.

3. Using his father's blade, Jak revenges himself on the man who killed his father. Now, aided by a talking dagger that wants only to be his friend, can he also find and kill the man who murdered his mother? It's a lot to ask of a ten-year old.

4. After the last mowing of summer, just as he is raking up the clippings, Harry's lawn takes its bloody revenge, and nothing in his corner of suburbia will ever be the same. Also, screaming hedges.

5. Collector David Dawkins has an unusual hobby: gathering the tools of deceased barbers. He covets a pristine set of 18th-century equipment once owned by Alexander Hamilton. What will he do to get . . . the Blades of the Fallen?

6. A trio of has-been prostitutes open a barbershop, hoping its clever name will draw customers. It does, but from an unexpected quarter: angst-ridden werewolves hoping a close shave will allow them to "pass." Also: bearded zombies.


Original Version

Dear [Agent],

I come to you seeking representation for my fantasy adventure novel, BLADES OF THE FALLEN: a tale of childhood, choices, and living for those you love.

Like many ten-year-olds, all Jak wants is to make his parents proud -- easier said than done when his father is a heartless, cynical thief and his mother is a bright-eyed priestess to a benevolent goddess. [Why is it difficult for a bright-eyed priestess to be proud of her son?] Even harder when, under completely separate circumstances, both of his parents are murdered. [Where was the goddess while her priestess was being murdered?]

In Jak's world, justice is more a means to control than a means to protect, so he takes matters into his own hands. [Not clear. Justice is a means to control the bad guys? Then why does Jak have to take things into his own hands? Shouldn't the justice authorities take control of the situation?] But when he assassinates the merchant lord responsible for his father's death, he sets in motion a series of events that will thrust him into the center of a hidden war that spans the continent. [It's not easy keeping a war hidden when it spans a continent. Unless you manage to disguise your armies as herds of wildebeest.] One empire wants to enslave him; another wants him dead. [A salesman kills a thief, and the thief's kid kills the salesman, and suddenly two empires go to war? Explain.]

To regain his freedom and survive, [To whom has he lost his freedom? Has he been captured?] Jak will have to escape a network of spies, a spell of enslavement, and the ghosts of his past (or, more accurately, the walking dead of his past.) [(Or, even more accurately, zombies.)] He has a short list of allies: a chipper tomb-robber with a fistful of secrets, a talking dagger who wants nothing more than a friend, [Does the dagger have a mouth, or do its words just emanate from it?]

[Jak: I need to kill that guy.

Dagger: Okay, plunge me into his eye. Then we'll play Truth or Dare again, okay? Please?]

and a goddess that has saved his life but refuses to tell him why. [Is this the same goddess?] If he's lucky, he might even bring his mother's murderer to justice, [Why doesn't the goddess bring his mother's murderer to justice? Someone kills her priestess, and she leaves it to a ten-year-old kid to get justice? Does this so-called goddess have any powers?] and keep a dangerous artifact out of the hands of those who seek power through death and deceit.

Considering his luck thus far, he can only hope that 'praying a lot' is an acceptable substitute. [For what?]

BLADES OF THE FALLEN is an epic, standalone tale and is complete at 209,500 words. [At 250 words per page, we're talking 838 pages. And that doesn't include the title page, copyright page, your 40-page index, etc. War and Peace is longer, but unless you write as well as Tolstoy, consider making this two or three books.] Its sequel, CURSE OF THE FALLEN, is already in the works. [No need to say "already" unless we know the date you finished the original, so that we can be shocked at how quickly you put the sequel in the works.] [Is the talking dagger in the sequel?] I have enclosed the first five pages of my book as an example of my writing, and a SASE if you wish to request a copy or partial copy of the manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I eagerly await your response.

Sincerely,

[To Evil Editor: The title stems from two sources. He assassinates the merchant lord with his dead father's kukri, and the 'talking dagger' mentioned is believed to be cursed ever since the original owner used it to commit suicide.]


Notes

Usually a main character who's a kid suggests a book for kids. But not at this length. On the other hand, 800,000 words of a kid talking to a knife may not appeal to adults.

If Jak was captured, did his captors actually let him keep his dagger?

I see a spinoff series here, with the talking dagger as the main character. You could have Talking Dagger vs. Dracula, Talking Dagger Meets W.C. Fields, Talking Dagger and the Deathly Hallows.

So each book in the series is something of "the fallen"? Who are the fallen? Jak's parents? Surely there won't be two 800,000-word books inspired by the death of a heartless, cynical thief.

I feel that we're missing some crucial information. Why do empires go to war when Jak kills a cheese merchant? Why do both sides consider Jak a threat? Are there any good guys? What's the dangerous artifact, who wants it, and what happens if they get it? You've set this epic against the backdrop of war between empires, yet Jak's only goal seems to be to find his mother's murderer. Let us in on his quest to save the world.

Face-Lift 415

Guess the Plot

First Flight

1. When the Wright brothers are kidnapped by the Zeppelin Cartel on the eve of their historic flight at Kitty Hawk, Secret Agent Aloysius Ryder must rescue them using only his wits and an arsenal of steam-powered gadgets.

2. Petunia Penguin thinks she's a goose. Her mother taught her the old saying, If at first you don't succeed, so vainly she tries, tries again to achieve her . . . First Flight.

3. Teenager Billy accepts the dare of his high school teammates: he dresses in a superman costume, climbs to the top of the garage, and jumps. In that fateful moment, he discovers his true heritage as the first Nephilim born in 100,000 years. Can Billy lead the fallen angels to redemption? God only knows.

4. Corbin Dooble has studied hard for his pilot's licence. But the plane he has borrowed for his first solo is not exactly what he imagined. Nor did he expect it to be equipped with heat-seeking missiles and a crew of zombies.

5. For young Luigi Limboni, the dream of flight began with a secret notebook of Leonardo da Vinci. But will his first flight also be his last when, as he plummets from the belltower of Santa Maria della Grazie, he realizes there are no wings on the contraption and it must have been a catapult after all?

6. A high school senior, driving her friends to the beach in her minivan, takes a wrong turn near the Oregon coast, and suddenly finds herself in an alternate universe where she's sent to train as a pilot to fight the Nazis, who didn't lose WWII.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Flying an ancient Bristol F.2B Fighter plane wasn’t exactly covered in Meri’s high school education. Of course, her teachers didn’t expect her to end up in an alternate version of 2007 the weekend before her senior year finals. But when she heads out on a beach trip with three of her friends, that’s just what happens – while driving her old minivan towards the Oregon coast, Meri takes the wrong exit and suddenly they’re headed for the gates of a refugee camp in Los Angeles, in a world where the Nazis didn’t lose. [Suddenly Meri is wishing she'd paid more attention in Driver's Ed when they were teaching the three-point turn.]

This alternate United States has no use for more displaced persons. They quickly send Meri and her friends to the British Independents, the only group still fighting the Third Reich. [Hard to imagine the US surrendering to the Nazis . . . Wait a minute, did this happen under Bush/Cheney?] After working on her piloting skills, Meri joins the British Independent Air Force.

[Sorry girls, there's no more room in the refugee camp.

But . . . where can we go? We have no--

Tell you what, there's an opening flying bombing missions against Nazi Germany.]

Life there is too intense to waste time worrying about her distant foster family. [Thus we shouldn't worry about mentioning them in our query.] Soon she’s deep in the world of the British Independents – sleeping in the pilots’ barracks, addicted to flying, and seeing an awful lot of a certain lieutenant. It’s a place where Meri feels completely right for the first time, a place where she has a purpose. [Why haven't we given Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan planes full of bombs? Then they'd be the right kind of role models for our teenaged daughters.]

Then saboteurs strike and Meri is left with a choice: stay and risk her life with the British Independents, or run back to the quasi-safety of the alternate United States, and abandon the cause she’s chosen and the people she loves. [Who offers this choice? How is the second option available? The means of travel between the alternate worlds is known? Does it always involve a minivan? What is it?]

"First Flight" is a 70,000 word YA adventure. I have three YA nonfiction books published: The Diabetes Game (Rewarding Health, 2006), Teen Dream Jobs (Beyond Words Publishing, 2003), and It’s Your Rite (Beyond Words Publishing, 2003). I have been interviewed on NBC’s The Today Show as well as on the national radio show Satellite Sisters.

Please let me know if you would like to see the full manuscript.

Sincerely,


Notes

Are Meri and her friends one flight crew? Do they all pilot planes? Do they all find purpose? In short, does the book follow all of them or just Meri?

I like the query, especially if you drop the foster parents. But the tone is lighter in paragraph one than in the rest. I can't tell if it's like Clueless or if it's serious. I prefer it to be humorous; while I'm willing to buy into interdimensional travel, it's hard to swallow a Los Angeles refugee camp administrator shipping four high school girls to Europe to fly bombing raids against Nazis unless it's a comedy. If it's funny, changing the final sentence to something like:

Then Meri is offered a choice: stay and risk her life with the people she loves, or return to her world in time for graduation and the finals of American Idol.

would bring the tone back to the lightness it had in the opening. We don't need to mention the saboteurs, as we have no idea what they sabotaged or why this is crucial in Meri getting a choice. Did they blow something up, creating a temporary wormhole to the alternate world?

Face-Lift 347

Guess the Plot

Bear Tamer

1. They call Vincent Forrester II the Bear Tamer--he knows how to make money even when the market is down. But when it comes to love, he's never been serious until Tatiana comes to work for him. Can this fiery Russian tame the bear tamer?

2. A seventeen-year-old girl--and her bear--is the only hope of the world as an evil tyrant seeks to unleash a plague of destruction. Also, a werewolf.

3. When Milton Griggs answered the ad in the South Spockett Gay Times, he never dreamed "Bear" would turn out to be Mr. Griffith from the filling station. Not that he's complaining, mind you.

4. A teenager befriends an enormous bear, and together they defeat an evil dragon which has terrorized the countryside for generations. Injured in the battle, he's taken to a nearby noble's house, where the elderly nurse recognizes him as the long-lost heir to the throne.

5. Jim and Larry live in a trailer near Jackson, Wyoming. Their favorite game is "bear tamer," but Larry's tired of being the bear, and Jim refuses to switch. Maybe it's time to go fishing.

6. What if the Indians had been able to domesticate Grizzly Bears and built an empire out of “bear-power” before the Europeans first arrived? This alternate history novel not only explores the ramifications of the Great Bear Empire, but extrapolates it out to the 22nd Century, as the “Old World” struggles to break free from the yoke of the Bear Empire’s dominance.


Original Version

It’s been one thousand years since the “plague” nearly eradicated the population of Mayall’s world. Is history doomed to repeat itself? BEAR TAMER is a 99,000 word fantasy, adventure novel.

Far away from her home, [Whose home? Oh, Mayall's. I figured Mayall's world was an artificial moon or an amusement park.] at the root of civilization, trouble is brewing in the form of a narcissistic tyrant. He is intent on controlling the world with a power that grants his needs and wants, the same “plague” that destroyed the world so long ago. [I see "plague" is going to be in quotation marks each time we use it. Meaning, it's not really a plague; it's a "plague."] One mysterious woman is on the hunt for a hero who will defeat him, but time is getting short as the tyrant’s power continues to grow.

Mayall is the most skilled archer among the bear tamers at the age of seventeen. Her brother, on the other hand is a clumsy pain-in-the-butt, a surly boy passionate only about his solitude. When refugees file into Mayall’s mountain home they tell of frightening occurrences that have driven them from their farms: unnatural storms, vague messages carved into trees, and werewolves. [Werewolves? Did you say werewolves? Suddenly you have my attention.] The tamers and the refugees are baffled by the attacks, [What attacks? You haven't mentioned any attacks. I guess we're supposed to assume that where there are werewolves, there are attacks. See, that's the trouble with being a werewolf. Even if you're a good werewolf, you have to hope the bear tamers are on the ball, because you just know you're gonna get blamed for any bear attack within fifty miles.] but too frightened to do anything about it.

In a desperate urge to take action, [In desperation,] but without proper volunteers, the council of tamers and refugees [The refugees just got there. Already they're part of the council?] agree to send one person [an improper volunteer, apparently] for information. [Conversation in the council of tamers and refugees:

The tyrant grows more powerful every day. The "plague" is upon us.

We're desperate. The world was destroyed last time this happened.

I suggest we pin all our hopes on one person.

Yes! One person.

But what can one person do against such massive power?

He can gather information.

Ah!]

When that one volunteer dies under the paws of her bear, Mayall takes his place, dragging her guardian, Eas, and pain-in-the-butt, Kufa, into the far west. [Let me get this straight. The council chooses a hero, but before the hero can do anything, Mayall's bear kills him? Mayall, the great bear tamer? And now, despite this monumental screw-up, Mayall becomes the replacement hero, instead of being locked in the pillory?] [Does her bear go on the mission? Or did they put it down after it killed the hero?] She is determined to gather more than just information. [What else will she gather?] Justice must be served.

The three fight through sieges, brave the storms, tackle the werewolves, [ponder the vague messages carved into trees, and] evade mercenaries, while facing the accusation placed on the bear tamers for the attacks. [Who is accusing the bear tamers? The werewolves?] The mysterious woman [You keep calling her that. What's so mysterious about her?] tracks them down with the answer they’ve been looking for, the location of their true enemy.

The woman bestows her special gift on Mayall. The gift grants her the ability to see into people’s hearts and awaken their highest potential. [Of course, awakening the highest potential of someone destined to be a sculptor or a florist doesn't do much good against Mohrgonn, lord of the dark realm.] [I think I know what's mysterious about the mysterious woman: her "gift" is capable of bringing down Mohrgonn, yet it never occurs to her to just bring him down herself.] With this she confronts the enemy that has taken over her world, accused her people for it, and killed her parents. [Hello. My name is Mayall. You killed my father. Prepare to die.] Unknown to Mayall, her enemy is aware of her ability, and plans to use her as a puppet in his scheme. Their battle is a battle of will. In the end, the real hero may be someone never suspected. [If you mean the clumsy pain-in-the-butt brother, I suspected him from the beginning.]

Enclosed is my SASE. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Revised Version

When refugees file into Mayall’s mountain home, they tell of frightening occurrences that have driven them from their farms: unnatural storms, and werewolf attacks. A thousand years ago a similar “plague” nearly eradicated the population of Mayall’s world. She wonders: is history repeating itself?

As the crisis worsens, Mayall sets out to find its source, accompanied by her brother and her guardian. The three brave storms, battle werewolves, and evade mercenaries as they make their way to the root of their civilization, where a tyrant with great magical power is intent on controlling--or destroying--the world.

Unknown to Mayall, her enemy awaits with open arms, planning to use her as a puppet in his scheme. But Mayall has powers of her own, and carries the hopes of her people. What follows is an epic battle of wills upon which rides the fate of a world.

BEAR TAMER is a 99,000-word fantasy adventure novel. The manuscript is complete and available on request. Thank you.


Notes

It was too long. If you aren't going to tell us anything Eas and Kufa do, you may as well leave them out. The revised version is short enough to allow you to add a few bits of important information.

Speaking of Eas, what kind of "guardian" agrees to let their teenaged ward go off in search of the lord of the dark realm?

What kind of first name is Mayall? Did you consider naming her Clapton? Leadbelly?

"The "plague" is a power that grants the tyrant's needs and wants? Can you be more specific? Are the storms and werewolves and vague messages on trees part of the "plague"?

Your plot is: A teenaged girl who's an archery whiz takes on a powerful evil overlord with only her ability to look into hearts and bring out the best in people. (Let's hope she also has her bow and arrows.)

What's the importance of taming bears? The only thing a bear does in the query is kill one of the good guys. Why do they tame bears, and why are they so bad at it?

There's too much vagueness. What are Mohrgonn's powers? What information do they send the hero after?

How does Mayall use or plan to use her gift? To look into the heart of Mohrgonn, and bring out his good side? To turn his minions against him? To convince other people to join the fight? Make it clear how her abilities are useful.

Face-Lift 338

Guess the Plot

The Secrets of Harworth Castle

1. Surrounded by the snapping jaws of dangerous reptiles, three teens race to safety amid the ruins of a spooky castle. As night falls the castle comes to life as an outpost of 16th-century Wales, complete with knights, ladies . . . and a green-skinned witch.

2. Princess Dream and her winged pony, Sunshine, have always lived in Harworth Castle. But then the King vanishes in the middle of the wizard Gromulus' fireworks display. Can Dream and Sunshine save the day?

3. Harworth Castle, Jr. died as a seven-year-old in 1953. Or did he? Bailey McAllister, third generation investigative journalist, just received a message from him, along with proof he’s alive and an accusation that her grandfather perpetrated the cover-up. With a billion-dollar estate at stake, can Bailey uncover . . . The Secrets of Harworth Castle?

4. Liza has been writing her very first book, a mystery about a haunted castle. When she finds a key to a mysterious door in her attic, it leads right into the castle of her story.

5. American twins are kidnapped while visiting London. They're taken to Wales and imprisoned in Harworth Castle. To escape, they must learn the secrets of the castle--but the castle has other ideas.

6. Harworth Stillwell built a castle using ingenious, groundbreaking architectural innovations never before seen and unlikely ever to be repeated. Too bad Harworth is four years old and the tide is coming in.


Original Version

THE SECRETS OF HARWORTH CASTLE is an upper middle-grade adventure/fantasy of 50,000 words, set in present time, in a fictitious castle on Cardigan Bay in Wales.

Thirteen-year-old American twins Jillian and Everett Lewis, are kidnapped from their London hotel and dumped into a stone walled cell in an ancient castle. When a mysterious person unbolts the cell door, their escape is thwarted by locked doors and windows, leaving them trapped inside the castle. The kidnappers, Lomax, Squirrel and Lyon, must capture the twins, [What do you mean they must capture the twins? What happens if they don't?] and find a way to get rid of them. [Get rid of them? Why'd they kidnap 'em in the first place?] The children uncover a secret haven, which leads to dark passageways, spy holes, and strange encounters with the mysterious person. [You need a better term for this character than "the mysterious person." Something like the "hooded figure," or the "masked hunchback," or the "humanoid with loose garb and ambiguous voice."] During their search for a way out, they learn the castle's closely held secret of the Celtic cross, [Apparently not that closely held.] but in a moment of carelessness, Everett is recaptured. Jillian must save her brother, triumph over the kidnappers, and discover a secret route out of the castle. [The boy screws up and the girl has to rescue him? This would never have flown in the fifties.]

In the mode of SPY KIDS, Jillian and Everett demonstrate their courage and savvy resourcefulness, resulting in quick-witted, creative solutions to their plight, and to the castle's secrets. [Or puzzles. Secrets don't have solutions.] The castle however, seems to have a mind of its own, begrudgingly releasing one secret at a time, [Begrudgingly? The castle practically gave them the Celtic cross secret. Is the Celtic cross secret a much bigger secret than the other secrets? What is the Celtic cross secret?] and in the process revealing even stranger new ones. To counterbalance their dark confines, THE SECRET OF HARWORTH CASTLE explores the twin's [twins'] relationship by exposing their individual weaknesses [Everett's weakness is that he's male. Jillian's weakness is Everett.] and their need to overcome petty jealousies and indifferences [indifferences?] to work together for the common good.


Notes

Sounds like it could be fun, especially if the solutions to the problems are truly creative.

Not clear why the kids were kidnapped and taken to Wales. Why go to London to kidnap kids when you can kidnap them in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, and already be in Wales?

Working together to escape is enough theme to mention. Counterbalancing dark confines, exploring relationships, and exposing weaknesses of thirteen-year-old kids aren't anything kids in this age group care about, and thus I doubt their editors will either.

Generally, I don't like comparing one's book to a movie.