Guess the Plot
Cruise Control
1. After watching their leading man ruin Oprah's sofa, ridicule depressed people, and give his wife a pacifier during labor, movie executives decide it's time to take action.
2. Nicole has had it with her ex-husband, so she has a voodoo doll made. Now, when he appears live on TV, the world will know what she put up with.
3. The story of a Hollywood publicist, Damaj Controlle, whose desperate attempts to rein in an egomaniacal client result in Damaj's firing. The client's outrageous behavior includes jumping on couches, impregnating a brainwashed youth, and frequently using the word "glib."
4. Tom is being blackmailed into leading a religious cult, and decides the only way to end the extortion is to smear his own reputation and become hated by all. But will televised conniptions and tirades against squirt gun microphone pranksters be enough?
5. Being a Hollywood "star wrangler" is Evie's job, one she excels at. But what can even she do with a certifiably insane Scientologist?
6. Katie'd had enough. No more sofa dancing. No more weird sci-fi mumbo jumbo religion. No more hunching over in public just to appease his enormous little-man ego. She wanted her life back. So she fitted Tom with a subcutaneous behavior-modifying microchip. Now if she could only remember where she left the remote.
7. The seas are afloat with blue-haired old ladies and wannabe professional gamblers. Captain Stubing and Gopher are not at all pleased with the current demographics, believing the new crop of cruise goers are destroying the romance of moonlight strolls and heart-throbbing love trysts. So Stubing and Gopher form a committee to ban sunglasses, baseball caps and Fixodent aboard their cruise line.
8. It doesn't take long for Sadara Obi to decide what to do when he finds a time portal in the basement of his bullying friend, Fang Woo. He travels to 1945 and changes the course of history by installing cruise control on the dashboard of the Enola Gay. Welcome Back, Hiroshima, and Goodbye Shanghai!
9. When dastardly mechanic Cheesy Adams wires his remote controller into the navigational circuitry of a cruise ship, hilarity ensues. But what will happen when a boatload of angry geezers and crones arrives in Haiti?
10. Even though prostitution is legal in the desert town of Tatterville, Police Chief Roy Beauregard is sickened by the hookers strolling Venter Avenue, because that’s where the Dairy Queen is, and Roy’s daughter Lila loves Butterfinger Blizzards. Roy begs Mayor Ernie to erect “No Cruising” signs, but when Mayor Ernie refuses, Roy concocts his own plan and has all the sidewalks replaced with metal grates, the archenemy of stiletto heels!
Original Version
Dear EE,
Tom has it all; money, fame, power. He used to be a person people cheered and revered, until that fateful night. That night he found himself in the company of a peculiar science fiction writer by the name of L. Ron Hubbard, or as Tom had previously known him, Dr. L.
Dr. L knew all about Tom's crime, the crime he had worked so hard to cover up, the crime he could not let anyone ever find out about. But Dr. L's presence proved his cover-up had failed, and now he was thrown at the mercy of a deranged lunatic. Blackmailed by Dr. L into leading a religious cult, Tom's fame becomes his Achilles heal. Hew devises a plan to end his extortion. If he can smear his reputation and become hated by all, he may be set free of his cult duty. Through explosions of feeling on Oprah, tirades against squirt-gun microphone pranksters, and two divorces and marriages, Tom sets out to ruin his name, but will it be enough??????
Cruise Control is a 171-word thriller. Thanks you for your consideration and I hope to hear from you soon.
Notes
I gotta start reading these things when they come in, instead of waiting till the minions have put hours of thought into composing their GTPs, at which point I don't have the heart to ditch the query.
17 comments:
Ah, the quintessential literary expose' of man's existential being and nothingness deftly combining vivid imagery, sparkling dialogue, and turgid action to create an other-wordly, Out-Of-Body experience without the benefit of drugs.
If this is a hoax, can we use this as an opportunity to talk about ourselves?
I have a new blog I hope you all will visit. It has 2 things: Weekly creative writing exercises (which aren't as good as EE's, but hey, it's MY blog); and a daily chat with the Church Lady.
http://abenchpress.blogspot.com/
Other news: I just joined the Sierra Club after years of just thinking about it. I've never watched the series '24' but I bought the first season's DVD pack and hope to catch up. I never know what to feed my kids who insist on being vegetarian. And I can't wait to see 'Sicko.'
Cheers,
A poorly punctuated hoax at that.
Learn. The. Uses. Of. Semi-colons.
Still, the GTPs were loads of fun. [g]
If this weren't a hoax, I see a slander trial about to happen. Scientologists take negative spin verrrry seriously...
Those were very good guess plots.
Scientologists take a lot of things very seriously. This is probably the result of the rest of the world going "Are you serious?" every two minutes or so.
Oh man, I didn't even think of Tom when I first saw this title. Does that make me shallow?
Takoda: Your writing exercises may not be good as EE's, but your graphics are certainly ... ahem ... more provocative :o)
Takoda: Re, vegetarian kids:
It's not hard at all once you get used to it. There are two issues: nutritiousness, and how filling the meal is.
Nutrition: Contrary to popular belief, protein is rarely in short supply in a vegetarian diet -- even in a vegan diet, it's not that challenging to get. The protein-to-fat-and-calories ratios of most plants are much higher than those of meat. Even lettuce, one of the most protein-poor vegetables, is a 0.7 to 1.0 protein-to-fat ratio for one serving, compared to, say, 23 to 45 for a serving of bacon. Beans are 9 to 1, and peas 7 to 1. The highest protein foods in the world are vegan -- textured vegetable protein, gluten, and so forth. They're almost pure protein. In short, as long as you're getting sufficient calories in a vegetarian diet, you're probably getting sufficient protein, too.
The real nutritional challenges are iron and vitamin B12. For iron, the problem is that while there's plenty of it, it's not as accessible to the body, so you need more than a meat-eater does. You need to eat fortified cereal, whole grains (esp. brans), and legumes. Some green leafies are also rich in it compared to how many calories they have. Spices are often incredibly rich in iron, although you're probably not going to open up, say, a jar of thyme and down it ;).
B12 is much harder to get for vegans, and is the main reason why vegans should take a multivitamin (doesn't hurt for vegetarians, either). Vegetarians get it in milk and egg products. There's only one plant which has measurable quantities of it (I think it's called Dang gui). The other vegan sources that have *relevant* amounts are all microbiotic -- vegemite, marmite, and spirulina. Some foods, like cereals, are B12-fortified.
Filling meals: This one is easy: carbos. Carbohydrates can fill you up. Make sure your meal has a good source of them. Main courses made of potatoes, rice, pasta, lentils, chickpeas, breads, and all sorts of other things can make a nice base. For cultural dishes, Italian, Indian, and "Mediterranean" are very vegetarian-friendly. If you need specific recipes, just email me (meQme@daughtQersoftiresias.oQrg -- remove the Qs to despammify) and I'll send you some.
ZOMG.
Dave, I just laughed my butt off reading your comment. That was perfect.
My butt. Detached upon the floor.
And I'm still giggling. :-D
~Whitemouse
Thanks Rei, I will! This all started about 4 years ago, when my older one (then 5) asked about the origin of bologna. He presented such a logical case about not eating it, or any other living thing that has/had a face.
We eat Mediter. foods, and lots of pasta. But it definitely gets very challenging.
I'm over to my email next. Thanks!!
Cheers,
*raises hand*
I've been a vegetarian 38 years. I'm also 38 years old. I had no problem growing up vegetarian. There's plenty of food out there. Mac-n-cheese is probably one of the most carb to protein balanced foods that I've found to eat, that is if you make your own and don't use the nasty boxed stuff.
As long as you avoid boca brand, there's some good meat substitutes out there, too, like Morningstar Farms, Loma Linda, and Worthington.
And yes, multi-vitamins do help. But there's more than enough food out there to feed kids that doesn't involve meat.
I'm not sure I like the way this conversation is going...
Gerri, why would you avoid Boca brand? I used to love Boca Burgers when I was a vegetarian.
Boca burgers are the most bland, vile tasting attempts at meat substitutes that I've ever tasted. It's not just that they're bland. They're bland to the point of having only texture and no real taste. And the texture is gross. Oh, and dry doesn't even begin to describe the burgers.
I grew up eating Loma Linda and Worthington burger, which has things like seasonings in them. And anything by Morningstar Farms has vastly better flavor and texture.
I've also talked to more than one person who tried Boca as a meat substitute and were repelled by the taste and texture. I told them, no wonder, you got the worst stuff out there.
Ack. Must go eat something good to get rid of the memories.
I'm sorry - this is a blog about writing, not brand preferences. Let's keep it relevant here, people.
So let me chime in as a vegetarian for 34 years (alas, I am older than 34), that there are different culinary taste preferences, just as there are different literary taste preferences.
Some people may enjoy the soft, subtle flavorings of a cozy, chick lit, or Worthington Salisbury Steak selection.
Others like to consume spare, no-nonsense techno-thrillers, Hemingway-esque stories, or Boca Burgers.
I prefer the rich style and flavor of an epic fantasy, historical romance, or Loma Linda Hot Dog.
Some will always go for the popular taste and trends found in commercial best sellers and Morningstar Farms Chicken Nuggets.
And some gravitate to the unexpected and unknown, willing to try small press offerings, niche literary fiction and specialty brands.
So which style and flavoring is right for YOU?
Phoenix-LOL! That was great!
Gerri, thanks for the heads-up about the brands!
Church Lady will have something to say tomorrow about vegetarians. Especially some of Phoenix's trash talk.
Cheers,
Does Dana Carvey know you stole his moniker?
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