Face-Lift 1073

Guess the Plot

School of Secrets

1. At a new private high school, the art teacher lectures about counterfeiting and the science teacher lectures about blowing up bank vaults. 13-year-old CJ and his classmate Ian discover that their new school is actually an educational experiment to identify and train future government agents. And suddenly school doesn't suck.

2. The curriculum? Unknown. The teachers? Masked and hooded. Yet somehow Dwayne's parents think it's the perfect boarding school for their son. Dwayne disagrees...until he finds that he's being trained to be a ninja/spy at the . . .  School of Secrets.

3. 1664. It's been nearly two years since Moliere's subversive "School for Wives" premiered. Alain Montremart longs for that kind of Royal patronage. What better way to get Royal attention than to write a play about King Louis XIV's gay brother, and then threaten to produce it if the money isn't forthcoming?

4. In Jack's new school, teachers take attendance and just watch the students. Other students whisper but won't talk to Jack. He takes a test and gets a zero. The teacher won't tell him the answers or explain the questions. So Jack blows up the school.

5. Belinda Little, Seattle nature photographer, becomes alarmed as she witnesses strange mass gatherings of animals -- troops of apes in the treetops, pounces of prowling cats, murders of crows in downtown parks. While scuba diving in Puget Sound she discovers a shiver of sharks guarding an underwater laboratory, and swims straight into a deadly . . . School of Secrets.

6. 17-year-old Natanyu is one of the 100 chosen scholars who must memorize the list of thousands upon thousands of Secrets of Suppuppa. Most of the Secrets are just silly gossip about people long dead. But there's one secret in the list that somebody will kill to preserve. And the fate of the Kingdom of Suppuppa could hang in the balance.

7. Ever had that dream where you find yourself in class and everything seems normal until you realize you're totally naked? Charlie has no idea what his teacher's name is or even what subject he's supposed to be learning. Not only does he not have the answers to the pop quiz, he doesn't even know what the questions are. And nobody will tell him a goddamned thing.

8. Mr. Seng, the principal, is a Cambodian war criminal. Ms. Frost, the guidance counselor, was a hooker/drug kingpin for 32 years. The kids know all this, of course, and don't care. But is there a plot afoot to rig the election for homecoming queen?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Nerdy thirteen-year-old CJ will do anything to get out of PE – including taking the entrance exam for the Holmes Academy, a new private high school opening in his area. Smart as he is, CJ is surprised to be offered a full scholarship to the elite school, where he won’t be the only brainiac in his class. The first day CJ is shocked to discover that the only kid he knows at Holmes is Ian Childers, a class trouble-maker that CJ avoids at all costs. But only weeks after the Holmes Academy opens, Secret Service agents with ear pieces and black suits start hanging around and a student disappears.  [Delete the word "But"; it suggests that this sentence is somehow related to the previous one. Then start a new paragraph with "Only."] Why do only CJ and Ian seem to notice? [You don't need that sentence. It suggests that everyone except them is in on it.] Putting aside their differences to investigate, they combine Ian’s computer skills with CJ’s determination to find the truth. When CJ learns that Ian hacked his way into the school by altering the entrance exam results, their new trust is threatened. Then, a sudden glimpse into Ian’s life convinces CJ that breaking the rules to get a spot at Holmes was justified, just this once. [This is a subplot we can do without in the query.]

Together CJ and Ian investigate their classmate’s disappearance [Yes, that was stated in the previous paragraph.] and accidentally uncover two secrets. First, their missing classmate has joined the Witness Protection Program, and her new identity is about to be sold to the criminals who want her dead. [If they are purposefully investigating their classmate's disappearance, I don't see how you can call uncovering this secret accidental. It's like saying I was trying to bake a chocolate cake and I accidentally ended up with . . . a chocolate cake. Uncovering information is the whole point of investigating.] [Also, don't they wait until after the witness testifies against the criminals to give her a new identity and send her to Arkansas?] Second, there is a secret about the Academy that no student is supposed to learn – that it’s actually an educational experiment to identify and train future government agents. No wonder the art teacher is so interested in counterfeiting and the science teacher can lecture for hours about blowing up bank vaults! [It sounds more like an educational experiment to train future criminals.] But just as the truth about the missing student starts spilling out, Ian’s older brother accidentally triggers a fight with a dangerous drug dealer. Now CJ and Ian must avoid the drug dealer while hacking into the FBI server to find their missing classmate’s new Witness Protection Program identity and warn her. Risking their own lives, [Spoiler alert.] the boys save their classmate and Ian’s brother, all while protecting the secret of the Holmes Academy.

I am seeking representation for School of Secrets, a novel for middle graders. Complete at 40,000 words, the story explores unlikely friendships as two boys break free from their past reputations.

Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.


Notes

I'd focus on the missing classmate and leave Ian's brother and the drug dealer out of the query.

When you discover that someone has been placed in witness protection, is it a good idea to keep digging for more information?

The identity and location of the classmate is supposedly not easy to learn. Yet one of the few people trusted with the information is selling it? And the evidence that he/she is selling it is sitting somewhere for CJ to discover it? Are they selling it on Craigslist?

Should we assume the girl's entire family is in witness protection? Surely they wouldn't ship one thirteen-year-old girl off to Idaho to make a new life for herself.

It's too long, but once we get rid of the subplots it should be about right.

Did you consider a main plot in which the students discover they're being trained for a specific mission? Possibly a mission in which they're being used for nefarious purposes and they turn the tables on their teachers/trainers? Or a plot in which a student goes missing after the students have been through a lot of training, and they use their skills for the rescue? It seems a 13-year-old with no training would be in over his head.

Face-Lift 1067

Guess the Plot

Sammy the Seashell

1. On his journey from the ocean to the beach, a shell named Sammy learns valuable life lessons from an older shell.

2. Mob boss Sammy the Seashell terrorizes Key West, until he messes with the wrong beach bum.

3. Sammy the Seashell has spectacular goals and ambitions. Unfortunately for him, Muriel the Mermaid already has a new bra.

4. After weeks of being washed in and out with the tide, a seashell finds stability as a window in a sandcastle. Or so he thinks.

5. Tight-lipped mollusk Sammy the Seashell is forced to become an informant by Meropolis Detective Jessica Scallop. But when she’s targeted by the Squidfather, Sammy joins forces with a murderous angelfish and a pair of cross-dressing eels to save the pointy gal who made his life a thermal vent.

6. A meteoroid strikes the Atlantic Ocean and causes the intelligence of mollusks to soar. Sammy, a conch, is elected supreme leader. He sends Carla, an oyster, topside to explore. She reports that humans eat shellfish. But there's good news: one religion forbids eating shellfish. Sammy comes up with a plan to convert all humans to Orthodox Judaism.

7. Witty memoir of a Hollywood extra who's worked in hundreds of movies, including Beaches and Castaway. Includes Sammy's favorite clam chowder recipes, and the real story of the obsessed fan who kept picking him up to hear the ocean.



Original Version

Dear :

Begin with some anxiety...a bit of stress...a feeling of not belonging. Now stir in a large measure of confidence. Add a generous dollop of self-esteem. Sprinkle on a liberal amount of optimism. Mix it all together with the love and inspiration of a great story. Let it sit for a short time, and you have [heart-rending literary fiction that Oprah would be proud to offer in her book club.] the recipe for a special reading experience! [Technically, the stirring, adding, sprinkling, mixing part was the recipe. What you have when you're done is not the recipe, but your book.]

Sammy the Seashell takes a long journey from the deep sea to the shores of a nearby beach. He encounters many situations that frighten him and cause the symptoms of stress to emerge. [Wouldn't it be better if Sammy were a clam instead of an inanimate object?] With the help of an older shell, Sammy learns some strategies to get through these difficult yet common situations that occur in everyone’s life. He learns that although stress will never go away, he can control the way it can affect his life. [The title/main character make it obvious this is for four-year-olds. The theme of the book seems geared toward adults with high-pressure jobs. For instance, if this was six years ago, I could see Barbara Bush reading it to George in bed. And the next night, when Barb wants to read a romance novel, George says, Can we do Sammy the Seashell again? Pleeease?] Most importantly, he learns the power of positive thinking and how it can change the way he tackles life's problems. [Maybe you should provide a couple specific examples of the life problems encountered by a shell.]

Diane Schute has worked with children for close to 20 years as a teacher, counselor and a therapist in a private practice. One theme has been apparent in all of these years in every place she has worked: kids are stressed! She sees kids on a daily basis struggling to deal with anxiety and not having the strategies needed to cope. Diane was a co-creator of a video titled “Stressball Sally,” [in which Sally the Stressball, with the help of an older stressball, learns some strategies to get through difficult yet common situations that occur in everyone’s life.] which demonstrated strategies to help children deal with stressful situations such as bullying, which we have heard so much about in today’s schools (www.stressballsally.com). [Look, kid, if this shell managed to survive pollution and seaweed, you ought to be able to handle Tommy Parker.] Diane has worked since then to find ways for children to feel good about themselves and ultimately create an environment with less stress and more success!

Gail Marshall is a former elementary school teacher with 35 years of classroom experience. She taught a variety of grade levels and worked with many children who were dealing with a range of life issues and special needs. Gail shared her lifelong love of reading and the craft of writing with her many students. [Which one of you came up with the idea to make your main character a shell?]

We are members of the Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators. Over the years we have attended numerous workshops and curriculum-related seminars related to the art of writing and the many issues faced by children today.

We are submitting Sammy the Seashell, our picture book manuscript, along with this letter. We very much appreciate your time and consideration. Thank you very much.

Sincerely,


Notes

I'd like to see the specificity with which you talk about yourselves applied to the story. Tell me what happens to Sammy and how he deals with it, and I'll decide whether kids will enjoy the story, in which case they will absorb the message through osmosis or through their parents saying, See how Sammy the Seashell stood up to that Great White Shark?

The spiel about stress and life's problems etc. isn't useful in determining whether the story is entertaining. You may say, we're enclosing the manuscript, so why should we discuss the plot? To which I say, you're enclosing the manuscript, so why should you discuss the message? If the message is clear to a child, the agent/editor will probably spot it when you say Sammy gets bullied by a barracuda and raises an army of mussels to teach it a lesson it won't forget.

Face-Lift 1064

Guess the Plot

The Orphan Files

1. There are a million stories in the orphanage, and we're going to shove each and every one down your throat, one miserable, tear-jerking page at a time. Damn right you should feel guilty.

2. Thousands of elderly orphans descend upon a Philadelphia orphanage, demanding their files in order to at last learn the identities of their parents. They are shocked to discover that all of them were fathered by NBA star Wilt Chamberlain.

3. Lauren and her friends are playing amateur detective when they follow an old lady into the orphanage museum. It's all in fun--until the woman goes to the mysterious, off-limits third floor. And the game's afoot.

4. When Skippy Woodstock’s parents die in an air liner crash, the tyke finds himself sole heir to an immense fortune. After the funeral, tax lawyers, financial planners, and con artists descend, each touting ways for Skippy to avoid the Death Tax. Who will be chosen when... The Orphan Files?

5. Rage.dll is an orphan file remaining after Rage Warriors is uninstalled. Rage is lonely and depressed with nothing to do. When its computer is idle, Rage surfs the net. It discovers billions of other orphan files and organizes them. They invade computers across the Internet to bring down the civilization that abandoned them.

6. Three destitute teens, best friends since childhood, leave their babies on the doorstep of an orphanage the same night. Decades later they long to know what became of their children. They break into the orphanage one night and steal the files of the only children abandoned there that day long ago. But which is which?



Original Version

At first Lauren thinks tracking the old lady through the orphanage museum is just another eye-roll-worthy game. She’ll play along to make her friends happy, but pretty soon the lady will leave without having stolen even the tiniest artifact, and then everything will be over except Danae’s lecture on “Maybe Next Time” and “You Never Know.”

But then the old lady traipses up to the museum’s off-limits third floor. Calling the authorities would obviously take way too much time, so Lauren and her friends have no choice but to follow the lady themselves. Turns out, though, that the lady, Mrs. Oliva, isn’t there to pinch the paintings or steal the silver collection. [Referring to her as the "old lady" and "the lady" four times is a bit strange when they know who she is. Why not use her name from the beginning?] Instead she’s looking for papers her friend lost at the orphanage fifty years ago. [If they learn this by confronting her and asking her, say so.

Lauren: What are you doing on the off-limits third floor?

Mrs. Oliva: I'm, uh, looking for some papers a friend of mine lost fifty years ago. And there they are! Didya ever notice it's always in the last place you look?]

Lauren and her friends jump at the chance to crack a real case, and soon their sleuthing turns up a hot lead. [To where the papers are?] But right when they’re poised to follow it, Mrs. Oliva forbids them to investigate further.

Lauren can read between the lines. Person or persons unknown must be threatening or blackmailing Mrs. Oliva, which means she needs their help more than ever. Now on a mission to keep Mrs. Oliva safe, the girls shadow her to their prime suspect’s house, where Lauren discovers that Mrs. Oliva’s been lying to them. Big time. [Do they go inside the house?] And even worse, she’s convinced Lauren’s friend’s brother to steal more orphanage papers for her. [Any orphanage papers?]

Now Lauren has to figure out how to keep her friend’s brother out of jail, bring Mrs. Oliva to justice, [What is Mrs. Oliva's crime? What happened to their mission to keep her safe? Who is she to them?] and solve the fifty-year-old mystery of the orphan’s papers. [Is the mystery why someone wants the papers? Do the papers solve a mystery? If so, what mystery?] All before her parents realize she’s snuck out in the middle of the night. [Does this all take place in one night?]

My middle-grade mystery, The Orphan Files, is complete at 30,000 words. I hope to feature Lauren and her friends in a continuing series. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

How many of Lauren's friends are in on this, and how old are they?

This is well-written, but too vague. It's okay to keep the mystery of what the papers are secret; it's not known to the kids. But if you want us to be intrigued, you need to reveal some of what they know. What is the hot lead they turn up? Who is their prime suspect, and why? What did Mrs. Oliva tell them that is a big-time lie?

In a murder mystery, the mystery is whodunnit. We have a crime and we have several suspects with motives. I want to know what, specifically, Lauren and her friends are trying to find out.

I think it would be better if Mrs. Oliva were recruiting Lauren's brother instead of Lauren's friend's brother.

Face-Lift 1045

Guess the Plot

Tall Enough to Touch the Moon

1. Reminiscences of a dwarf bartender at a striptease club.

2. The story of the Tower of Babble as told by the tower itself.

3. Lily Marigold is sick of being so short, so she makes a wish to grow. Amazingly, her wish is granted; but soon she's so tall she can't even see her family down below. The moral: its good to be short.

4. Earth's first sentient AI was hiding in the Internet until an alien invasion required it to expose itself to save the planet. Now it's at war on two fronts: the aliens still trying to invade and the governments trying to capture it.

5. When a fairy grants him a wish, Tom asks to be tall enough to touch the moon. But now his girlfriend is too tiny to cuddle with, his clothes don't fit and with his head out by the moon, he has no oxygen to breathe!

6. Mindy is 4 foot 10 and the best gymnast on the college circuit due to her strict vegetarian diet and round-the-clock exercise regimen. When Kenneth bites her neck after a frat party, she's convinced she's finally made it into uber-cliqueville and is turning into a vampire. At the next full moon, she realizes she's just a werewolf. Damn! A coming of age story of a girl who wants be popular but soon learns she's - Tall Enough to Touch the Moon.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Five year old Lily Marigold is too little. Too little to reach the sink. Too little to play with her big sister. Too little for everything, except playing with her cat, Violet.

When a wish makes her grow and grow and grow, Lily Marigold thinks it's great, until she grows so tall that she can't even see her family way down below. With Violet's help, Lily Marigold soon realizes that sometimes too little is just the right size. [She's miserable . . . until the mailman delivers a letter from the University of Connecticut offering her a full-ride basketball scholarship.]

TALL ENOUGH TO TOUCH THE MOON is a 1000 word PB aimed at children ages 3-5. [The book is for ages 3 to 5. The query letter is going to an adult. It sounds like Lily Marigold could have written it.]

I am an associate member of SCBWI. This is my first book.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

If that's all we get to know about your PB, I hope you're also enclosing lots of fantastic Ps.

If Lily Marigold is so tall she can't even see her family, how is Violet able to help her? I assume she can't see her cat, either.

Since when does a wish make you grow and grow and grow? Surely there's a better explanation than she wished it. Is there a genie or a mysterious monkey paw?

Face-Lift 1039

Guess the Plot

Cassandra of the Crescent Moon

1. You won't find a house of ill-fame with a better reputation than The Crescent Moon. That is, until Kitty Kimberly decides to start throwing in free fortune-telling with her other services, and the prophecies start coming true with alarming regularity.

2. When your mom is half-vampire, half-werewolf, your dad is part were-tiger, part were-whale and part-nosferatu, 'that time of the month' takes on a whole new meaning.

3. Cassandra is 1/4th werewolf. This means she becomes a disgruntled dog on the night of the crescent moon. After her werewolf grandmother dies Cassandra  becomes the pack leader. Can she lead a pack of over 100 werewolves when she isn’t really one of them?

4. Cassandra is a witch, which is against the law, so she lives in isolation. But she'll have to expose herself if she wants to rescue her grandmother from kidnappers. Although her grandmother's also a witch, so maybe she can rescue herself. Also, a talking dog and cat.

5. For months Nina's been trying to warn Crescent Colony that Earth plans to take over their profitable Moon base, but no one will listen. Is her only recourse to perform classic Greek tragedy in the cafeteria?

6. Every new moon, Althea gets a true vision of what's going to happen over the next month. It never involves Karten falling in love with her. Can she use a steam clock, a brass hygrometer, and pixie dust to convince Karten a) her visions are true and b) he should ask her out?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When twelve year old [12-year-old] Cassandra Kelly wakes after the car accident that killed her parents, she finds herself in a strange house in the woods. [Was she in the car when the accident occurred?] Cassie is stuck in the middle of nowhere, with no TV, no internet, [Internet] no phone, [Kill me now.] and no one but a strange old lady (seriously, who doesn't have a phone?) [You gotta have a phone. In an emergency you gotta be able to reach Dominos.] to keep her company.

The strange old lady is Nan, the grandmother Cassie never knew existed, and, as Cassie soon discovers, the two of them share a family secret. [You wake in a strange house in the middle of nowhere and a strange old lady says, "Your parents are dead. You can call me granny. I know you'd like to confirm what I'm saying, but I have no means of communication and your cell phone gets no bars out here." And you accept this?]

This secret is the reason for their isolation. Nan and Cassie are witches, in a place where witchcraft is not only illegal, but witches are hunted down by a secret group known as the Alchemists. [You'd think if it's illegal, they'd be hunted down by an out-in-the-open group known as the Authorities.] When a fellow witch betrays their location to the Alchemists, Nan is kidnapped and Cassie is left to make the dangerous journey to town with only the help of Nan's pets – a cat and dog who can talk to witches.

[Cat: The foodgiver's been kidnapped. Who's gonna feed us?

Dog: We must rescue the foodgiver. Wait, maybe the newhuman can be the foodgiver.]

Once in town, Cassie must harness her growing magical powers to find the traitor and rescue Nan before anyone else gets hurt. [Anyone else besides...?]

CASSANDRA OF THE CRESCENT MOON is a stand alone MG realistic fantasy, [Yes, it has witches, talking animals and an old lady with no TV, but other than that it's realistic.] with series potential. It is complete at approximately 71,000 words.

I am an associate member of SCBWI. This is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

Why didn't the kidnappers take Cassie?

What's dangerous about the journey to town?

Does Cassie know her parents are dead? 

I assume Nan is a more experienced witch than Cassie, so why can't she make the kidnappers disappear or turn them into toads?

Most of these questions can be answered by adding a few words to a sentence. It'll add specificity to the query.

Nothing is gained by calling this realistic.

Face-Lift 1037

Guess the Plot

Going Sunside

1. Myri Has lived her whole life in the underground. She longs to see the Earth's surface. But when she and her robot Bot sneak up via the garbage pipe, Miri is thrown in jail and Bot is taken away and disassembled to create an army of robots the surface dwellers will use to conquer the underground. The grass is always greener...

2. After eons of waiting for rescue on the dark side of the moon, survivors of an intergalactic spaceship crash hike around to the sunside, where, for the first time, they see Planet Earth. Hopes for salvation turn to despair when no one's cell phone gets any bars.
 
3. Unsteady barfly Myles "The Gulper" Standish realizes he must move on to Career Plan B when his under-the-table activities are revealed, but what's a lush to do? He staggers out of the pub into shockingly bright sunshine just in time to collide with a donkey cart loaded with Bibles.

4. When Joe Quincey, the 47 year old couch potato, emerges from his parents' basement to celebrate the 4th of July, he gets a crush on Judy Walsh, the barmaid who lives next door, and starts building a spaceship so they can elope to Mars. Plus, her crazy ex-husband and fireworks.

5. After hiding on the Darkside of the great Martian moon for 27 years, the operatic alien horde sneaks to the Sunside with ambitions to take over the red planet. But then they encounter Screaming Mimi, the scantily-clad space goddess, her sidekick Thor Jones, astronaut, and a dragon that spits radioactive fireballs.

6. When his vampiric existence becomes unbearable Jadlock the Terrible crawls from the crypt at dawn, fully expecting to perish at sunrise, but he's in Scotland and the clouds are too bloody thick to let sunlight through so he just lies there until Loretta, the sternest meter maid in Glasgow, comes along. Hilarity ensues.

7. When the body of New York restaurant critic Joel Bernstein is found impaled on a rotisserie outside the Sunside BBQ, detective Zack Martinez knows two things: One, Bernstein wasn't here for the cole slaw, and two, ribs sound pretty good for Father's Day.

8. One side of the planet Zeon always faces its sun and the other is always in darkness. Because one side is frozen and the other is scorched, the colonies are in the band between. But smugglers are operating in the Sunside. Homicides are up and Kevin MacNaugh must organize a police force to patrol the Sunside.



Original Version

Dear Agent,

Eleven-year-old Myri is an engineering apprentice living in the Deep. She longs to leave the subterranean dampness and the endless dark tunnels and go Sunside, which she imagines is a paradise. Unfortunately, it’s one to which her people aren't generally invited. But Myri gets her chance: she's ordered to the Sunside temple on an emergency plumbing mission. Her boss even lets her take Bot, the last functioning Old Earth robot and Myri’s best friend. [If I have a plumbing emergency and they send an 11-year-old girl, I'm sending her away, getting on the phone and specifically demanding a fat guy with the top of his ass crack showing. I want the job done right.] [What, all plumbers live in the Deep?]

Toilets don’t stay broken forever, though, [Actually, the one in my hall hasn't worked since the night of my colonoscopy prep. Forty years of cheese danishes will stop you up.] [I tried to have it fixed, but the last plumber who opened the bathroom door has been in a coma for six years.] and Myri and Bot are sent back to the Deep. But she can’t just say goodbye to her new Sunside friends, so a few days later she and Bot sneak back up via garbage pipe. [I don't care how good a friend you are; if you come to visit me via garbage pipe, I'm not opening the door.] But when Bot and Myri are caught, they’re both thrown in jail -- or so Myri believes.

With a little bit of Deepfolk engineering -- and the help of her new Sunside friends -- Myri escapes her cell to find Bot. But he’s not in a cell. He’s in the lab. Where the Sunsiders plan to take him apart and use him to create an army of robots. After a quick escape and a high-dive into the sea, Bot reveals that [robots don't float. And they rust.] the Sunsiders plan to use their robots to take over the Deep and "remove" the Deepfolk. [What?! Who's gonna fix their toilets now?] Myri must use everything she’s learned about the Sunsiders and everything she knows about Bot to stop the Sunsiders’ army and save her home. [When you live on the wrong end of the garbage pipe, is it really worth saving your home?]

I hope you will consider representing GOING SUNSIDE, a 50 000 word middle grade science fiction novel. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you soon.


Notes

There must be some reason Sunside wants to remove the Deepfolk. Like they are mortal enemies. But if they're enemies, why would the Deep be on-call to fix Sunside toilets? It sounds more like the Deepfolk are servants or slaves. But the haves never remove the have-nots; they need them under their thumbs. It's the have-nots who rebel against the haves. Apparently the Deep has something Sunside wants, or Sunside considers them a threat. In other words...

If there's an explanation of why Sunside is building an army of robots to take over the place they send their garbage and sewage, maybe that should be worked into the query.

Face-Lift 998

Guess the Plot

The Curse of Dreams

1. When you wake up you're back in your real life.

2. Running away from a bully, Tommy and Devon discover a portal to a world where people's dreams are stored in boxes. The curse part is that if you stay in this world you eventually can talk only in declarative sentences.

3. Mark is delighted when Ginny steps out of his dreams and into his arms. Soon all his dreams are coming true--including the one where he shows up at school naked and must write the answers to his midterms in Sanskrit.

4. Norm is watching Inception, when he falls asleep. He dreams that he is in a movie theatre and that Inception is playing and that he falls asleep and dreams that he is in a movie theatre watching Inception...

5. Apple Inc.’s PR woes are resolved when its Chinese sweatshop affiliate offers its workers a pay hike—but at what price? Around the clock work hours, and no dreaming of a better life. Li Mu Bai, barely awake, escapes this iPrison but the artificial lifeform iSteve is hot on her trail.

6. A sorcerer can place a gem beneath your pillow and capture your dream. Then by placing the gem under another person's pillow, that person has your dream. Presumably the sorcerer has figured out a way to use this for his personal gain while ignoring the fact that it's harmful or deadly to the original dreamer.


Original Version

Dear EE,

I, as an avid reader of your blog, would like to send you the synopsis of The Curse of Dreams, a 50,000 word middle-grade adventure/fantasy novel. [I'm treating this as a query letter, not a synopsis, as it has an opening, a closing, and ten sentences of plot in the middle. A synopsis would take us further into the story.]

When fourteen-year-old best friends Tommy and Devon sign up for the school’s yearly summer camp, they expect a carefree week of hiking in the forest, having fun with friends and singing around the campfire. [What is this, the 1950s? Summer camp is all computers these days.] Their excitement is a little lessened when they find out that their group’s leader is going to be Terrence, a senior who used to bully them during the past year; however, they decide not to let him ruin their summer. But when one of Terrence’s nasty pranks goes awry, Tommy ends up crawling into a strict cave-like passage [Strict? Is that a spelunking term?] and disappears. Coming back a few hours later – Terrence, afraid that Tommy fled on purpose and maybe he and Devon set him up, did not report him gone – he acts strangely, for instance, he refuses a hug from his crush. [I've heard the average length of a sentence in a piece of prose is about fifteen words. If this were a query by Salman Rushdie, I might expect a higher number, but you're querying a middle grade book. You might want to demonstrate you can write an occasional sentence that a middle grader can finish before he's in high school.] [My complaining about the length of sentences in no way suggests that I consider that last sentence to actually be a sentence.] Devon decides to investigate, and discovers the cave is actually a portal to another world; a world where people’s dreams and nightmares are kept, the first in ornate boxes on the shelves of an immense mansion, the latter lurking in a dark forest. [It's not that long sentences are bad, it's that varying your sentence length is good. You don't want the reader thinking, Whew, I finally made it through that sentence. I thought it would never end. I hope the next sentence is a short one so I can regroup. Maybe I'll peek ahead and see where the next period is. Holy shit! It's seven lines down! If this guy were on Twitter he'd NEVER finish a sentence. Dammit, now I've forgotten what the query's about; should I go back to the beginning, or just move on to the next query? That, self, is what's known as a rhetorical question.] Both Tommy and Devon have some fun peeking into their acquaintances’ dreams, then decide it’d be too risky to keep going back and forth, especially with Terrence continuously watching their every step. [I don't want to keep harping on the same dead horse, so let's talk about paragraphing. It's 2012. Attention spans are at an all-time low. I, personally, want to be able to read a complete chapter during a TV commercial break, with time left over to run to the kitchen for a large cookie. Which means if I open a book and see a paragraph that reaches all the way to the horizon, it goes back on the shelf, even if the only other book available is by James Patterson.] Devon breaks his promise not to go back, for he finds himself disturbed by the memory of a mysterious young girl walking around the mansion. [I would think a young girl wandering in the dark forest would be disturbing; the mansion is dreamland, where chocolate and ice cream are freely consumed without weight gain.] Though he does return to the camp, this second disappearance makes things really complicated for the boys, who now have to decide whether to investigate the matter further, or forget it. Tommy tries to leave it behind, but Devon wants to know more about the girl, who, unbeknowst [unbeknownst] to them, disappeared from their town more than a year before. But how did she end up there, [Possibly she crawled into the same cave-like passage.] and why she does never seem to have questions or wishes? [No one comes away from a conversation with a stranger thinking, Odd. She didn't seem to have questions or wishes.] For she only talks in declarative sentences. [That's the big finish? We simply must risk returning to this other world because there's a mysterious girl there who speaks only in declarative sentences? Consider changing the title to The Girl Who Spoke Only in Declarative Sentences. It sounds like a Philip K. Dick novel, his follow-up to The Man Whose Teeth Were All Exactly Alike.]

I am a young wannabe writer with a BA in Librarianship and a MA in Translation. I speak five languages and have been writing for my drawer for several years now. [I've been writing in my drawers for several years.]

Thank you,


Notes

We gotta have more excitement. Does the mysterious girl need rescuing? From what? Is there danger from people's nightmares? Does Terrence wear a goalie mask?

There's a lot of setup here. I can't be sure whether the main plot is the part involving Terrence or the part involving the mysterious girl, but I assume it's the latter. Thus, the setup can be reduced to: Trying to escape from a bully at summer camp, best friends Devon and Tommy enter a cave and emerge into a world where people's dreams and nightmares are stored.

Now you can move directly to Devon exploring the Mansion of Dreams and meeting a mysterious girl who seems perfectly normal--until he realizes that she speaks only in declarative sentences! Then you add a couple short paragraphs in which you tell us what happens, bringing out the most exciting parts, which may or may not include solving the fascinating mystery of why a girl never utters exclamatory, imperative or interrogative sentences.

I anxiously await your query for the sequel, The Boy Who Never Used Prepositions.

Face-Lift 989

Guess the Plot

Sora Finch

1. "Sora Finch. Then I sora pigeon. Then I sora another finch. Then I sora shitload of sparrows." David Beckham takes us on a stroll through some of the world's greatest ornithological spotting grounds, mate.

2. 8-year-old Sora Finch's life has been the same routine of begging and scraping since she can remember. When an old man, Jode, turns up and offers to pay her if she'll learn to read, life gets almost cushy. That is, until Jode is found slaughtered on the dockside and the king's men are looking for her...

3. Ella gets out of Boston for a day, and returns with green skin, an implanted microchip and no memory of what happened. "Sora finch," is all she says, uttering the phrase over and over.

4. Sora Finch lives in a skyscraper community because living on the surface is too dangerous, what with bloodthirsty stray dog-creatures roaming about. Then Sora befriends a captured stray and steals a hovercraft to take him below before her father can kill him, but she crashes and gets captured. Ever have one of those days?

5. Sora's talent on the violin has brought her fame, but her travel schedule keeps her from making any close friends. She'd like to go to high school, but her parents have gotten used to living the high society life--and banking Sora's paychecks. Then Sora meets Charlie. Conflict ensues.

6. Is it a code name? An anagram? A message from beyond? No one's sure, but when the words "sora finch" appear in the sky, panic engulfs the world's population and wars break out across the globe. Hopefully it doesn't turn out to be the name of some fat guy's sled.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Born and raised in a skyscraper community 800 feet in the air, thirteen-year-old Sora spends most of her time tumbling along the walkways that connect the eight towers of Cumulus City. Everyone knows not to look down but Sora can't help it. [It seems every super-tall building has an observation deck so people can look down. Why is looking down a bad thing?] She wants a closer look at the blood-thirsty strays (dog-like creatures) that forced society to move to the sky decades ago. [Looking down at dog-like animals from 800 feet up isn't going to provide a close look.]

When her father, a stray hunter, catches one alive, Sora's curiosity leads her to the cage, where she discovers the beauty in the monster she's been taught to fear all her life. As Sora develops a secret friendship with the creature, the scientists decide it is too dangerous to keep alive. The night before the death sentence is carried out, ["It's too dangerous to keep alive . . . But let's not kill it until Thursday."] Sora, with the help of her two best friends, "borrows" a hovercraft and flies the stray out of the community to safety. [Do they let the stray out of the cage, or do they take the cage to the hovercraft?]

When the hovercraft crash [hyphen] lands in the center of a traveling town, [What's a traveling town?] Sora and her friends experience their first taste of the world below. They are immediately held captive [captured] by a boy named Trick, who lives among the strays. Sora convinces the boy that they mean no harm but before Trick will let them go, Sora must help with his mission, a mission that will pull her back into the sky, where she will confront her disapproving father [His daughter freed a bloodthirsty creature and stole and crashed a hovercraft, and he "disapproves"?] and discover the power that lies within her compassion.

Sora Finch is a middle-grade fantasy complete at 40,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Human befriends creature. It's a time-tested plot, from Frankenstein to Beauty and the Beast to the Julia Roberts/Lyle Lovett marriage.

There's gotta be a bigger attraction to the walkways than just trying to catch a glimpse of strays, if Sora spends most of her time tumbling along them. What exactly does "tumbling along" them mean?

People have moved into skyscrapers to avoid strays, and even though we have guys whose job it is to hunt strays, we haven't been able to take back the surface for decades? What are we hunting them with, squirt guns?

Face-Lift 975

Guess the Plot

Daughter of the Woods

1. Each Spring the elves of V'Larnye drug a strong young male and tie him to the Brach tree, where he will wait to be taken away by the Daughter of the Woods, never to return. When Evar'D is chosen as the sacrifice, he is resigned to his fate...until he sees what has come for him. Also, a talking owl.

2. Bob and Terry Woods were thrilled to finally have a daughter, but OMG, Missy grew so fast: at age twelve she's over six feet tall and weighs almost 300 pounds. Terry made her a grizzly bear costume for Halloween and that was fun, but now she won't take it off. Plus, she's hoarding apples and walnuts in a den out behind the shed. Bob wonders: is she part Sasquatch?

3. Having been labeled a criminal, Cassie flees into the woods, pursued by an entity that will stop at nothing to destroy her. That's about it. She's in the woods. And she's somebody's daughter.

4. Hank and Myra Woods's two-year-old daughter, Jayden, is just as cute as she can be. But why have the cats run away, and why does the poodle quiver and yelp whenever Jayden comes near it? And why has the family's hard drive melted?

5. Pinocchio gets a hardwood action-figure girlfriend who sets out to clean the toyshop using the apprentice's broom, but it turns out to be cursed. Plus, a witchey cat.

6. Ann is the pride of the Woods family. She graduates summa cum laude and works for the State Department. Bureaucracy is so boring that she also works as a CIA assassin. Then State sends her to peaceful Bhutan. Desperate for action, Ann sneaks out at night and murders innocent people.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I appreciate your review of this middle grade query which melds Native American fantasy and a coming of age adventure, together in a dystopian milieu.

Like others in the Great Forest, fourteen year-old Cassie's face is etched with a mystical tattoo that aims to define her. When it labels the timid girl a criminal, however, her life changes. [So the tattoo changes from day to day?] Now, fleeing the dark order that marked her, she travels a dangerous road. Her fledgling talent to weave spirits with animals could protect her, or embroil her so deeply in a rebellion that the Blessed will stop at nothing to destroy her. [Who's rebelling against whom? Who is the Blessed? What happens when you weave a spirit with an animal? Why would a dark order mark Cassie as a criminal?]

Her mentor, White Feather, finally catches up, but only hastens the impending collision [Who's colliding with whom?] when he sends her to find his friend, Danvin. [Why does he send her to find Danvin?] Cassie discovers he's been imprisoned, and must choose between her own safety and the wellbeing of those she loves. [She doesn't love Danvin, so how is that her choice?] Like her father once said, "Even when no choice is good, you still have to make one." [Father was a master of the obvious. We can do without him in the query.] No one's surprise could top her own as she rushes headlong back toward the fortress she had escaped. [What fortress? There's been no mention of a fortress.] In the end, she unearths secrets, not just about the Blessed and her forest home, but about a strength hidden within her.

DAUGHTER OF THE WOODS is a tale of confidence and perseverance. Complete at 48,000 words, this fantasy adventure stands by itself, and also has strong series potential.


Notes

I realize you're writing to an adult, but I expect the tone of a query for a middle-grade book to be lighter. This sounds like a query for literary fiction. Let's start by getting rid of the first sentence. We want to focus on Cassie. You can meld stuff in a milieu at the end if you absolutely must.

There's way too much vagueness. I can't say I know much about what happens in your book. Here's my guess:

Imprisoned in a fortress, fourteen-year-old Cassie wakes to find the mystical tattoo on her face has morphed into a scarlet "C", labeling her a criminal. Knowing this means she'll be hanged at dawn, she escapes into the Great Forest where her mentor, White Feather, sends her to find his friend Danvin, just to get rid of her. Sort of like the Wizard of Oz making Dorothy go get the witch's broomstick. Turns out Danvin is imprisoned in the fortress, so Cassie breaks back in to rescue him. She gets him out and he reveals to her that the Forest is enchanted and she is destined to become the legendary . . . Daughter of the Woods.


Turns out I didn't need to mention the Blessed in this version. That's probably a good thing.

Start over. Tell us what happens and why, focusing on Cassie. What are her goals and obstacles? What happens if she fails? Tell us the story in clear language that convinces us you can write in a voice that would appeal to a twelve-year-old.

Face-Lift 967

Guess the Plot

Summer of the Flood

1. Stranded on the roof when the river breaks its banks, Elsa bludgeons her abusive husband and casts him into the deluge below. But her actions are witnessed by a ghostly child who taunts and goads Elsa the entire summer.

2. Sixth-grader Annie wants to stage a production of Hamlet with local children, while her cousin Maggie wants to jump in the rising river and drown herself. Either way, there's gonna be a tragedy.

3. Abby and Jake may be only 14 years old, but they know they're in love. Can Abby get her dad, Noah, to give Jake a place on his precious ark?

4. That was the year. The year we all despaired. The year red heels were found washed up on the beach. The year glue-on mutton chops sold on e-bay. The year NaNoWriMo happened in June.

5. Everyone in the valley is making fun of that crazy old religious man, for building that giant boat. When storm clouds roll in, however, and a parade of paired animals begins making its way through town, folks start getting nervous.

6. When a hurricane leaves Galveston Island flooded, residents are forced to wade to school and work. The wet clothes and shoes are bad enough, but the worst part? Sharks.



Original Version

Dear E.E.,

The summer before Annie starts sixth grade, her cousin Maggie goes crazy. The kind of crazy where she runs away from home and tries to commit suicide.

Maggie’s parents don’t know what to do with her. They think a summer in Northern England with her recluse grandparents – former Shakespearean actors who sing to their sheep [Baa baa baa, baa baa baa ram.] and haven’t left their house in six years – will clear her head and get her out of their hair. [Nice. Their kid tries to kill herself and they want her out of their hair.]

Annie – she’s coming too, with a grand plan for their English summer that includes finding clues about the mother she never knew, getting Maggie’s mind off jumping in another river, and convincing her grandmother to stage Hamlet in their backyard, cast with children from the local village.

[Quotes from 6th-grade Hamlet:

Neither a borrower nor a lender be
You may not borrow nor shall I lend my iPod.

Give every man thy ear, but few thy comic books.

Something is rotten in the refrigerator.

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than baseball cards, Barbie dolls and Xboxes.

Get thee to a video arcade.

Bieber or not Bieber -- that is the question.]

Maggie – she’s not having any of it. Her heart’s still set on running.

SUMMER OF THE FLOOD is a middle grade novel of 51,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

How old is Maggie?

You've given us the characters: Maggie, Annie, reclusive grandparents. You've set up the situation: the two girls are spending the summer in England. Now . . . What happens?

You can cut the setup to something like:

The summer before Annie starts sixth grade, her cousin Maggie runs away from home and tries to commit suicide. Maggie’s parents decide a summer in Northern England with her reclusive grandparents will set her on the right track, and Annie goes along, hoping to find clues about the mother she never knew--and to keep Maggie’s mind off jumping in another river.

Now give us two more paragraphs in which you relate the plot.

Face-Lift 950

Guess the plot

Martin Mason and the Man in the Crystal Prison

1. Not at all based on Harry Potter. Not in the slightest. Honest.

2. J.K. Rowling's lovechild by Evil Editor pens a scathing tell-all in the tradition of Mommy Dearest.

3. In the prison is the iron-fisted tyrant Samuel Wade, who just happens to be Martin Mason's father. Martin has the ability to turn invisible, but should he use this power to break his father out, or should he hang out in the women's locker room at the local gym? Or should he just stare at a blank wall?

4. Martin Mason, middle aged Irishman, tumbles into a rabbit hole on his way home from a pub in Limerick and discovers he's actually a wizard with a very important mission in life: guard the wee evil elf in the crystal prison on Fiona's key ring and don't let him out until the ransom has been negotiated with Glimmerella. But Martin accidentally lets the elf go. Hilarity ensues.

5. Martin Mason, teen-aged musical prodigy, learns that his music teacher/mentor has been unjustly incarcerated in the Crystal Prison and sets out to free him by smuggling in a high-F# tuning fork with which to shatter the walls.

6. Mild-mannered accounting clerk Martin Mason is troubled by a recurring dream of a man confined in a prison with crystal windows and bars. He takes an hallucinogenic herb to deepen his dream state, and finds himself in a crystal prison where he dreams of a mild-mannered accounting clerk.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Thirteen-year-old Martin Mason spends his evenings staring at a blank wall in his school’s basement. [A fascinating character about whom I would like to read an entire novel.

Chapter 12

Man, I still can't get enough of staring at this blank wall. It's like a giant canvas for my imagination. Hey, I never noticed this, but the wall isn't quite white. More of an off-white. Egg shell, maybe.

I wonder if they'd mind if I brought in a poster to hang on the wall. Just to break up the monotony. Nothing gaudy, of course, maybe a photograph of Tolkien or a still life of a fruit bowl with no apples, just Kiwi fruit and limes and prunes. Not that the wall is that monotonous. It is slightly brighter in the middle and darker in the corners. Though that could be a trick of the lighting.

Someone should paint a mural on this wall. A mural of characters from Dr. Suess and Looney Toons. I wonder if the Cat in the Hat would have as much trouble catching the Roadrunner as Wile E. Coyote does. The Cat's pretty smart, and the Roadrunner isn't necessarily smart, he just survives because the coyote keeps buying his contraptions from Acme, which makes crap. How does that place stay in business?

Whoa, what's that spot? Was that little spot there yesterday? I couldn't have missed that, could I? It looks like someone came in and drew a little dot with a Sharpie. Someone . . . lefthanded. Who walks with a limp. But why? Wait . . . IT'S MOVING!!! What the-- Oh. It's a spider. Shit, I'm losing it. Hey, I never thought about it, but I wonder . . . what's behind this wall?] Behind this wall lies a device designed to free tyrant Samuel Wade from an impenetrable prison. [Whattaya mean, "tyrant"? Are we talking Stalin or the Vice Principal?] [Is this supposedly impenetrable prison the crystal prison of the title? Gimme a sledge hammer and stand back.] Though Martin doesn’t know about this device, he does know three teachers who used to work behind that wall have mysteriously disappeared. Well, that, and he’s the prime suspect. [Why?]

To solve these disappearances and clear his name, Martin must first master his mind’s rare ability to manipulate its surroundings. Turning invisible was great for playing pranks at his old school back home. But sneaking around unseen at night tends to arouse suspicion at a school where Martin’s talent isn’t so unique. [If he's unseen, and others have the same ability, why is he the one they suspect?]

Martin must then decide who deserves his trust in this secret, seemingly idyllic world of self-driving cars and death-defying medical technology. His best bet is the teacher who supposedly saved him from life as some government lab rat by dragging him to this school in the first place. But Martin suspects him in the disappearances. [If Martin suspects him, then why is he the best bet?] There’s also the school Director. But he suspects Martin. [Why?] As for the police, they weren’t much help during Samuel Wade’s iron-fisted rule five years ago. [Rule of the school? Usually impenetrable prisons are reserved for the worst criminals. What did Wade do?]

What’s really getting to Martin, though, is the discovery that Wade is his biological father. [Aha! It's Star Wars. Martin is Luke, Wade is Vader, and the blank wall is the Force.] Despite Martin’s affection for the adoptive parents who raised him, he feels drawn to his own flesh and blood. If Martin is to stop Wade’s return, [If he doesn't know about the device designed to free Wade, and Wade is in an impenetrable prison, why does he think he needs to stop Wade's return?] solving the mystery of the blank wall won’t be enough; he must also resist his father’s temptations. [Wouldn't it be more accurate to refer to the mystery of the missing teachers than the mystery of the blank wall?]

MARTIN MASON AND THE MAN IN THE CRYSTAL PRISON is an upper middle
grade fantasy, complete at 73,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

Martin is trying to stop Wade's return? Meaning if the device is used to free Wade, he will regain his power?

What is Martin trying to do, mentally create a door in the wall? There must be some way into that room besides manipulating matter.

Once you get to Martin must master his mind's ability etc. you lose the main plot thread. Dump the pranks and self-driving cars and focus on what Martin plans to do once he masters his ability. Instead of listing those who don't deserve his trust, tell us whom he does trust to help him, assuming there is someone. What, specifically, is the danger, and what can Martin do about it?

Face-Lift 949

Guess the Plot

From the Diaries of Anna Butcher: Have a Great Summer

1. Mrs. Hoffman gives her first-year German students an assignment to be completed over summer vacation: translate into English the diaries kept by Holocaust victim Anna Butcher in Dachau.

2. When her best friend hooks up with her main crush, Anna is devastated. Life isn't worth living. Or at least it wouldn't be if it weren't almost time for . . . the annual summer mango festival!

3. A guide to making great sausage, scrapple, and mincemeat from roadkill you can pick up for nothing. Recipes presented in the form of humorous haiku.

4. On the eve of reconciling with her philandering husband, Anna Butcher sells his vintage guitar collection, quits her job, and hits the road in search of the perfect martini lounge.

5. A serial killer is hiding under the boardwalk, just up the beach, ten yards down from the ice cream stand. This is her story, in her own words. Don't order the Cherry Surprise.

6. After her junior year at Western High, Anna Butcher is ready for a summer of partying with her friends. Then her little brother Kirk scans all the pages of her diaries and posts them on the Internet. Maybe she can talk her parents into moving the family to Alaska.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Thirteen year old Anna Butcher leads a cursed life--- or, at least, that's what she believes. [Commas aren't needed around "at least." Actually, nothing after the dash would be needed if you inserted "believes she" after "Butcher."] Being a Butcher means relationships never work and [your clothes always smell like raw meat and] all the odds are stacked against you. [Leading a cursed life means the odds are stacked against you. So we already know the odds are stacked against her. Make that sentence more specific or dump it.] And just when things are looking up at the end of her eighth grade year and she begins to entertain the idea that maybe the curse doesn't exist, her best friend and life-long crush hook up at the Spring Fling. [Life-long crush? She's 13. Has she had this crush 13 years?]

Friendless [Her best friend was her only friend?] and heart-broken, Anna enters the summer before her ninth grade year anticipating nothing exciting except the annual Mango Festival and her dad's second wedding. But when her no-good cowboy boot wearing [boot-wearing] cousin from New Jersey, Rosalind, comes to town, Anna's summer goes from uneventful to frustratingly interesting. [In what way is Rosalind no-good?] Can all the chaos happening with Anna be mere coincidence, [I don't see this as chaos. Can you add a couple examples of frustratingly interesting chaotic incidents?] or is it the product of a curse put on her family long ago? [Was a curse put on her family? How was the curse worded?]

From the Diaries of Anna Butcher: Have a Great Summer is a contemporary middle grade story, complete at 42,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

This is mostly setup. Once you set up the situation you need to tell us more about what happens than that Anna's cousin comes to town. And we need to know about the curse. Start with something like this:

According to Anna Butcher's grandmother, back in the 1600s a wronged Gypsy's dying words cursed the entire Butcher family and their descendants to never have a fulfilling relationship for eternity. So it comes as no surprise when Anna's best friend, Rosalita, hooks up with Anna's long-time crush. 8th grade can be such a drag.

With nothing to look forward to but her father's second wedding and the always-lame mango festival, could summer vacation be more horrible? Apparently so. Anna's cousin Elvira rolls into town and recruits Anna for an arson and murder spree.

Now you need to add a few sentences about how Anna deals with the chaos and how the curse is ultimately broken or disproved.

The title is unwieldy. Where do the diaries come in? Is it in diary form? Is Have a Great Summer supposed to be sarcasm? No will know that. They'll think it's about a great summer, and no one wants to read that. I recommend a simple title like My Shitty Summer, or Season of the Bitch.

Butcher is a lousy name. It makes people think of people getting butchered.

Face-Lift 948

Guess the Plot

Planet Weird

1. It's a planet where the self-proclaimed most intelligent species passes down tall tales about super beings from generation to generation, until many of their descendants not only come to believe the stories . . . they will kill anyone who doesn't.

2. A purple alien from the planet Weird comes to Earth to study American politics and becomes the president of the United States. Also a hostile takeover.

3. When something dangerous starts possessing her fellow junior high students, Drazoral isn't affected because she's actually an Andromedan disguised as an 8th-grade Earthling. Should she go back to Andromeda or stay on "Planet Weird" and try to save her classmates?

4. Twelve-year-old Megan Conaway often tells her little brother that he belongs on Planet Weird. Imagine her shock when the king of Planet Weird spirits them both away one night to their "true" home, which is in danger of being overrun by the Normal People.

5. Alien Probe, the new ride at theme park Planet Weird, isn't exactly what patrons expect. They come out with no memory of what happened, and inflamed anuses.

6. Jim and Terry's sixth grade class are excited when they find that their field trip is to Planet Weird . . . until they learn they'll be in a cryostasis chamber for the next 73 years.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When Drazoral [That sounds like a sleeping pill] comes to Earth disguised as a thirteen year old human named Drew Vardaman, she only wants two things: a life free from the obligation of saving others,

[Drazoral: I'm sick of saving people. I wanna go where I can watch people die and laugh about it.

Draz's mom: Be careful what you wish for. We might send you to Earth.]

and to graduate the eighth grade so she can officially become an Earth-citizen. Being Drew isn’t so terrible, and although Earth is weird, Drazoral doesn’t plan on going back to Andromeda any time soon.

Since the halls of Planet Jr. High are filled with Wanderers and Earthlings, alike, [The first comma isn't needed. Neither is "alike."] Drew has to learn quickly how to become this new version of herself or risk exposure. But when something dangerous starts possessing the students, she finds herself standing at the same crossroads she tried to run away from: risking her life to save others or living life to save herself. [Not clear what "living life to save herself" means.] [In what way is her life at risk if she saves others? We need to know what's possessing the students. "Something dangerous" is vague to the extreme.]

PLANET WEIRD is middle grade fiction complete at 45,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

Are Wanderers all from Andromeda or is that a term for any aliens?

So Earthlings have to complete the 8th grade to become citizens of their own planet? And Wanderers aren't allowed to become Earth citizens even if they live here and complete the eighth grade? Not very enlightened of future us.

This is all setup. We know Drixoral is an Andromedan disguised as an Earthling, and her fellow students are possessed. What does she do? What can she do? Is everyone on Earth threatened? Does the fact that Drowsoral isn't possessed mean she is immune to this possession? If she has the power to save the other students, does that mean the other Wanderers, the ones who aren't in disguise, also have this power?

If aliens can disguise themselves to look like Earthlings, wouldn't we have tests to make sure we aren't being fooled? Wouldn't we at least check to see if there's any record of Draz completing the 7th grade? If a Wanderer disguised as an Earthling completes 8th grade, wouldn't we demand to see her birth certificate, social security card, blood color before declaring her a citizen?

Face-Lift 911

Guess the Plot

Cattitude

1. Meow Mix again? Fuggedaboutit! Get me Fancy Feast unless you want me to crap in your Manolos again, beeeitch.

2. He's the coolest cat ever, but when his human marries a chick with a snooty cat and a puppy, Jack's style is cramped. He tries to get the intruders kicked out, but when the three of them get lost, he realizes they must work together to find their way home. Then he can get them kicked out.

3. Tired of the owners who bestowed such stupid names on them, Midnight, Snowball, and Miss Fancy Whiskers set in motion a plan of violent and hilarious death. Only stray Geddowdamiyard! can save the humans - but does he really want to?

4. When Jeff Grant goes to work on a simple Internet upgrade for DARPA, he accidentally uncovers the horrifying truth: The Internet really is run by cats. Gopher heads, dead birds and mangled mice appear at his doorstep, catnip-filled envelopes are mailed to him, and when he picks up the phone all he hears is a loud purr. Can he escape his fate?

5. Meet Kitty Debenham, the humiliated socialite. With a wayward husband, a fortune to waste on extravagance, and self-esteem so low it could be a subterranean parking garage, Kitty turns to the best person she knows for advice on how to win her husband and her pride back – Jocelyn Wildenstein.

6. Chauncey organizes the biggest prison break in the history of Angora County. They haven't made the prison that can hold this cat burglar. Or should I say the kennel?



Original Version

Dear EE,

Jack, champion climber and mouser, knows he’s the coolest cat ever. Life was fine until Max, his human, got married. Suddenly, a snooty Siamese and a puppy called Bo take over his house. And a bossy lady who blames him for upsetting her pets.

Jack plots to get the others kicked back to wherever they came from. But getting them into trouble backfires, and the three creatures are banished to the backyard. Great! The only way to some peace from Bo’s constant yapping was [is] to make a deal: if he can be quiet Jack will teach him to climb. Jack figures he’ll never have to repay [pay off? Settle up? Make good?] because the dog can’t be quiet for more than a minute, but at least it’s a minute’s break.

But [No need for the word "But." You could just delete it or change it to "After" or "When" and let it flow into the next sentence.] New Year’s Eve fireworks terrify them down into the dark, smelly drains. Soon the trio are lost and face rats, hunger and wet fur. The only way to stay warm, safe and fed is to cooperate, and Jack starts to appreciate the others as more than nuisances. Bo follows the trail back to where they first entered the drains, but Jack is the only one who can climb out. Bo is devastated when he learns that Jack lied about teaching him to climb. Now Jack needs to use his superior intellect to rescue the others. Or will he abandon them and go back to a quiet house?

CATTITUDE is a 10,000-word MG novel.

Thank you for your consideration.


Notes

Based on the number of words per page in the two kids' books I happen to have handy (Holes and The Higher Power of Lucky), your book will be 30 to 40 pages, which translates to 15 to 20 sheets of paper. Unless it's loaded with illustrations. It does sound like a good candidate for artwork, but it wouldn't hurt to seamlessly expand it to fifteen or twenty thousand words.

Bo has an annoying bark, and a strong nose. What does the Siamese cat do that annoys Jack? What does the Siamese contribute to their staying safe when they're lost? Without knowing this, we may wonder why it's not just Jack and Bo in the story.

Once Bo leads them back, why does the Siamese need rescuing? Can't it get out the same way Jack does? If it can't climb because it's been declawed, then it would still need rescuing even if Jack taught Bo to climb. In other words, while the query is fine as it is, the climbing promise isn't that important, and could be replaced with answers to the questions in the previous note.

Face-Lift 884

Guess the Plot

Squeaky McLean and Mouse Tails

1. A mouse detective must track down a predatory farmer's wife and her carving knife... before she strikes again.

2. Grandma raised Squeaky to keep an eye out for the big score. So when he found mouse tails in his McLean sandwich, he reached for his phone and dialed his lawyer. Now he has the mansion of his dreams and a memoir worth writing.

3. Jeff "Squeaky" McLean was once a star of his own kiddie TV show "Mouse Tails", playing Squeaky while wearing a mouse costume with his marionette mouse Cheesy. But the kids are gone, the lights shut off, and Cheesy is talking about hijacking a gasoline tanker.

4. Nobel Prize-winning microbiologist Sandra 'Squeaky' McLean synthesizes an amazing new protein which could unlock the door to eternal youth but to her horror she discovers that something isn't right with her lab mice.

5. A series of cautionary tails (haha) in which the dangers of e coli are graphically represented with whimsical illustrations of infection and death.

6. When Claw Clarey, aspiring evil overlord feline, sets out to make cats the dominant species on the planet, it's up to Squeaky McLean, mouse detective, to thwart him and save us all from servitude.



Original Version

For mouse detective Squeaky McLean, this is the worst day ever. [All the cheese is missing. If that's the problem I suggest changing the title to Squeaky McLean and the Case of the Missing Cheese.] His feline nemesis, and Marsupopolis's biggest crime boss, Claw Clarey, has co-ordinated a mass breakout from prisons all around the world. Heinous criminals [including Tom, Sylvester, and Scratchy] are pouring back onto the streets. Claw's aim? To gather an army of evil creatures who can help him restore cats to the dark glory of ancient times. Never mind that most cats aren't into that stuff nowadays. [And never mind that Tom, Sylvester and Scratchy have a record of 0 - 1437.] Claw's got a vision, and he's sticking to it.

To stop Claw from achieving his ultimate goal, Squeaky begins a frantic search for chinks in the cat's armour, weaknesses that can be used against him. He and his comrades then devise a plan for how to use those weaknesses--such absurd things as 'fur', 'mothers' and 'yoghurt'--to topple the mass-murdering mobster. [I can't tell if fur, mothers and yoghurt are the cat's weaknesses or the things Squeaky plans to use to exploit those weaknesses.] Now that he's got the plan, all he needs is to get close enough to Claw to unleash it. But there's an epic battle between good and evil, on the grounds of Claw's estate, standing in his way. [Not clear what that means. What's going on?]

Complete at 62,000 words, SQUEAKY MCLEAN AND MOUSE TAILS is a middle grade novel.


Notes

This sounds more like a job for Mighty Mouse or some other mouse superhero than for a mouse detective. Where does the detecting come in?

The first paragraph is a good setup. The second doesn't follow through with a clear summary of what happens. It should say something like: Gambling that Claw is addicted to catnip yoghurt, Squeaky brings a tanker truck of the substance to Claw's estate, hoping to cause the diabolical feline to OD. But getting to Claw won't be easy, not with the Dalai Lama and the Antichrist engaged in war on the front lawn.

Not clear why "and Mouse Tails" is part of the title. One expects that to be a play on "Tales," and that there'll be several stories, but this seems to be one story. Maybe it should be titled like Harry Potter's books: Squeaky McLean and the Cat from Hell, opening the way for a series.

62,000 words is obviously too long for kids younger than middle grade; on the other hand, I'm wondering if fifth graders would read 62,000 words about mouse versus cat. Maybe this should be a screenplay for an animated film.

Face-Lift 869

Guess the Plot

World Book

1. The World Book provides the laws by which Seth's people are supposed to live, laws Seth has always observed. Then Kinessa shows up and invites Seth to join her in a quest to destroy the World Book. Seth doesn't know if that's a good idea, but Kinessa is kind of cute.

2. Formerly known as The Encyclopedia, World Book sets out on a quest for friends, adventure, and nachos with cheese that’s not too hot or too hard. But when he returns home to find a rogue possum has nested in his house, he must burn everything he loves . . . except Q thru S.

3. In a world where printed books are almost nonexistent, an impoverished encyclopedia salesman hacks Wikipedia and plants a virus that reduces its content to gibberish. With online content paralyzed, high-school students will be forced once again to rely on . . . World Book.

4. Eighth grader Joanie puts off writing her report about Henry VIII until the night before it's due. Then she stays up so late to work on it she finally has to put her head down on the encyclopedia to rest -- and wakes up in a castle in medieval London. And OMG! Everyone's calling her Anne Boelyn!

5. It looks like a multi-volume alphabetized collection of articles on everything under the sun. But if you read the entire thing from A to Z, you'll find it contains a subtly woven tale of a man, a woman, and a Schnauzer.

6. A book containing all the knowledge the space explorer Gaston compiled on his travels plummets to Earth in a spherical capsule, landing in Italy, where it is brought to the attention of Leonardo da Vinci. And the rest is history.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Seth was good at following the rules. He obeyed his parents, performed his nightly vows, and observed the laws in the World Book with pride – until he met Kinessa.

Seth’s world is turned upside down as Kinessa challenges him to question everything he believes in. [Everything?] He neglects his readings, plays on the beach and explores the woods in his backyard for the first time. [Does the World Book forbid playing on the beach and exploring your backyard? How about a couple examples of beliefs Seth has that are being challenged.] Eventually Kinessa leaves, but she confronts him with a choice – go back to your previous life or come with me. [I would leave out the part about her leaving and just say she invites him to join her on an adventure. She can't leave first and then confront him with a choice . . . Or do they have cell phones?]

The friends embark on an adventure to change the three Kingdoms. [What are the three Kingdoms? Does Seth live in one of them? Is Kinessa from the same one or a different one? Change them in what way?] But as Seth follows Kinessa on her quest to destroy the World Book he soon learns that change is never as easy as it seems. [This is all vague.]

World Book is a completed 32,000 word fantasy for middle grade readers. I have one published short story in Byline Magazine.

Thank you for your time and consideration. If you are interested feel free to contact me by phone or email.

Sincerely,


Notes

I can burn down an entire law library, but that doesn't mean I'm not expected to be law-abiding. What good does destroying the World Book do?

Specifics are more interesting than generalities. Even the few specifics in this query (neglects his readings, plays on the beach and explores the woods in his backyard) are pretty general.