A few years ago, before I moved out of the coven house, I started seeing this one warlock, Chester. Well, Chester wasn’t his real name; that was, I don’t know, Charleston Copernicus Throckmorton or something like that, but he’d shortened it to Chester because he wanted to blend in with humans. I mean, I’ve never met a human named Chester, but whatever. That was about when we got the word from the Elders about hanging out with humans and getting jobs and all that, and Chester, like me, was young enough to be willing to give it a try.
Actually, I was more than willing. I was already well on my way to being out-of-my-mind bored with traditional witchkind life, with being trapped in the coven house tatting doilies and brewing dumb little spells in the kitchen for a few hundred years, waiting for my older sisters to decide to go to the Beyond so that I could move up the coven ranks and—whoopie!—become a senior witch, who got to move around the Circle closer to the head and tell the younger witches what to do. And then go the Beyond myself when I got to be four hundred. I mean, what’s the point of that? Are doilies the only reason we’re here on this plane, so powerful and long-lived? I didn’t think so.
Michael snuck a glance at his watch, nodding politely as he did so, neither of which the old woman noticed. He'd been stuck in this smelly house for more than an hour. He should have converted this pagan to a Jehovah's Witness twenty-five minutes ago.
I'll give her five more minutes, he thought sullenly as she continued on, barely pausing to take a breath. After that, I swear to God I'm going to become a Quaker.
Opening: Calendula.....Continuation: freddie
Why you don't get published.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
New Beginning 427
The moment we cut into the Suenna road, the sound of Nero's hoofbeats changed. My horse took shorter, choppier strides. Now the question was how many miles were left before we reached the city--and if the gates would be locked. I glanced around, but everything looked the same as it had since nightfall: dark shapes that were trees and the moon slowly rising. The road lay ahead of us as a darker patch that I barely glimpsed before it was past.
Patting Nero's neck, I steadied him as we raced along the harder surface. We had saved perhaps ten, fifteen miles by cutting across country. The thrill of leaping fences and walls in the dark had left me, however. Now I wanted to get to the city before its gates were barred. If only because those manning the last tollgate had laughed, and told me it couldn't be done.
Couldn't be done? I'd show those bastards. I let Nero feel my spurs and whip. Men simply did not understand. Nothing on God's earth can stand between a woman and a bathroom with a decent roll of toilet paper.
Opening: BuffySquirrel.....Continuation: Pacatrue
Patting Nero's neck, I steadied him as we raced along the harder surface. We had saved perhaps ten, fifteen miles by cutting across country. The thrill of leaping fences and walls in the dark had left me, however. Now I wanted to get to the city before its gates were barred. If only because those manning the last tollgate had laughed, and told me it couldn't be done.
Couldn't be done? I'd show those bastards. I let Nero feel my spurs and whip. Men simply did not understand. Nothing on God's earth can stand between a woman and a bathroom with a decent roll of toilet paper.
Opening: BuffySquirrel.....Continuation: Pacatrue
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Face-Lift 472
Guess the Plot
The Great Granellie
1. In post-apocolyptic California, one man rises to power in the Hipee tribe when he unearths the "Nola Cookbo" and deciphers the ancient secrets of the demigod Gorp. It's Zardoz meets The Road Warrior when a rival tribe, the Silicoes, arrives and tries to enslave Granellie's people.
2. Part MacGyver, part Nancy Drew, New York City girl Jackie Smart uses her knowledge of science and her street smarts to solve the mystery surrounding the Great Granellie. The mystery, of course, is who--or what--is the Great Granellie?
3. Six clever urchins pick pockets in the subways of London, supervised by an evil gnome: the Great Granellie. Then a kindly missionary takes them in. But soon the kids discover she's making bombs in the cellar. No one believes them, except the Great Granellie. Can the tiny gnome free the kids in time to thwart her diabolical scheme?
4. Just as Screaming Mimi feared her top would fly apart and blow away, the minor Granellies were blasted from the sky by Thor Jones' manly ray gun. She was saved! Whew! But that night as the sexy duo celebrated their victory, the great Granellie landed on the roof, sword in hand. Plus a naughty maid and her dancing poodles.
5. After three years of night school, aging accountant Dora Granellie got her Basic certificate and started moonlighting as a birthday magician. All went well until she disappeared Tobey Jones, son of billionaires. Now Dora and Wizard Myrrhill must search 17 time warps for the brat. They have plenty of Monster Poison Juice and Zombie-Kickers but if Queen Noarraon stole the tyke to be her page-turner, it's all over.
6. When midget wrestler Steve Granellie makes it big in Hollywood as one of Cleopatra's henchmen, the sky's the limit and he signs on for a show in Las Vegas, never realizing he'd soon be running for his life because of a misunderstanding about a coconut, pursued by two prissy guys and their undisciplined tiger.
Original Version
[I've purchased the writers' guide books and followed all the rules and still, even with a Disney producer waiting for my next move, _______ told me she wasn't interested. Please help me understand why.]
Dear Agent,
Per your request, enclosed please find the first three chapters of The Misadventures of Jackie Smart and the Great Granellie, a middle-grade mystery novel complete at 77,000 words.
As you may recall, this is the story of Jackie Smarthers, a teenage girl who does extraordinary things with ordinary objects (quickly gaining her the nickname of “Jackie Smart”). Part MacGyver, part Nancy Drew, New York City girl Jackie uses her street smarts and knowledge of science to solve the mysteries that await her in rural Riverdale, CT. [Riverdale? Is this the Archie and Jughead Riverdale? Here's the first mystery Jackie can solve: why Archie couldn't ever decide between Betty and Veronica. I mean, it's totally obvious which one any sane man would be happier with. Then she can look into how Moose ever made it past fourth grade. Also, Jughead's nose looks a lot like Miss Grundy's. Coincidence?]
I enjoyed meeting you at the BEA conference and appreciate your time. I was recently introduced to NAME HERE who produced a mini-series SHOW NAME HERE for the Disney Channel. He was intrigued by the character of Jackie Smart and asked to see the manuscript. He has since asked me to have the book re-written as a movie script. [Have it rewritten? Why doesn't he have it rewritten? Surely he has better connections with screenwriters than you have.] I’m hesitant to move forward without an agent’s representation and would love the opportunity to work with you on this project.
The Great Granellie is the first of a four-book series. I’ve included a chapter summary for the first book and a series overview for your convenience. I hope you enjoy this sample and I look forward to hearing from you regarding the rest.
Please don’t hesitate to contact me with questions. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Notes
First off, I don't understand calling it "Misadventures," rather than "Adventures." "Misadventures makes me think Jackie's a bumbling heroine, like Inspector Clouseau or The Three Stooges. I wouldn't refer to stories of MacGyver or Nancy Drew as misadventures.
Also, is each book in the series going to be titled The Misadventures of Jackie Smart and the X? Plain old Jackie Smart and the X sounds better. Don't worry, you won't be accused of stealing the title format from Harry Potter; Harry stole it from Tom Swift.
As you're enclosing the first three chapters, a chapter summary, and a series overview, and telling us nothing about them, we can't tell if there's something about your plot/characters that's turning an agent off. So what you want to know is why the one agent to whom you wrote isn't interested. Possibility: The agent you met at BEA sells books to publishers and doesn't deal with scripts. And she doesn't think your book is ready for publication, or she doesn't think she's the right person to sell it.
There are agents who specialize in scripts and agents who want nothing to do with them. The agent asked to see your chapters without knowing anything about the Disney producer. It seems better to let the agent get enthusiastic about your book before trying to interest her in setting up a film deal for you. If it's just the film deal you're interested in, it sounds like that's not going anywhere until you have a screenplay. If you're seeking an agent to contact this producer you met and tell him you'll be happy to turn your unpublished manuscript into a screenplay after he shows you the money, that's not how it works (unless you've had success in the field already, anyway).
The Great Granellie
1. In post-apocolyptic California, one man rises to power in the Hipee tribe when he unearths the "Nola Cookbo" and deciphers the ancient secrets of the demigod Gorp. It's Zardoz meets The Road Warrior when a rival tribe, the Silicoes, arrives and tries to enslave Granellie's people.
2. Part MacGyver, part Nancy Drew, New York City girl Jackie Smart uses her knowledge of science and her street smarts to solve the mystery surrounding the Great Granellie. The mystery, of course, is who--or what--is the Great Granellie?
3. Six clever urchins pick pockets in the subways of London, supervised by an evil gnome: the Great Granellie. Then a kindly missionary takes them in. But soon the kids discover she's making bombs in the cellar. No one believes them, except the Great Granellie. Can the tiny gnome free the kids in time to thwart her diabolical scheme?
4. Just as Screaming Mimi feared her top would fly apart and blow away, the minor Granellies were blasted from the sky by Thor Jones' manly ray gun. She was saved! Whew! But that night as the sexy duo celebrated their victory, the great Granellie landed on the roof, sword in hand. Plus a naughty maid and her dancing poodles.
5. After three years of night school, aging accountant Dora Granellie got her Basic certificate and started moonlighting as a birthday magician. All went well until she disappeared Tobey Jones, son of billionaires. Now Dora and Wizard Myrrhill must search 17 time warps for the brat. They have plenty of Monster Poison Juice and Zombie-Kickers but if Queen Noarraon stole the tyke to be her page-turner, it's all over.
6. When midget wrestler Steve Granellie makes it big in Hollywood as one of Cleopatra's henchmen, the sky's the limit and he signs on for a show in Las Vegas, never realizing he'd soon be running for his life because of a misunderstanding about a coconut, pursued by two prissy guys and their undisciplined tiger.
Original Version
[I've purchased the writers' guide books and followed all the rules and still, even with a Disney producer waiting for my next move, _______ told me she wasn't interested. Please help me understand why.]
Dear Agent,
Per your request, enclosed please find the first three chapters of The Misadventures of Jackie Smart and the Great Granellie, a middle-grade mystery novel complete at 77,000 words.
As you may recall, this is the story of Jackie Smarthers, a teenage girl who does extraordinary things with ordinary objects (quickly gaining her the nickname of “Jackie Smart”). Part MacGyver, part Nancy Drew, New York City girl Jackie uses her street smarts and knowledge of science to solve the mysteries that await her in rural Riverdale, CT. [Riverdale? Is this the Archie and Jughead Riverdale? Here's the first mystery Jackie can solve: why Archie couldn't ever decide between Betty and Veronica. I mean, it's totally obvious which one any sane man would be happier with. Then she can look into how Moose ever made it past fourth grade. Also, Jughead's nose looks a lot like Miss Grundy's. Coincidence?]
I enjoyed meeting you at the BEA conference and appreciate your time. I was recently introduced to NAME HERE who produced a mini-series SHOW NAME HERE for the Disney Channel. He was intrigued by the character of Jackie Smart and asked to see the manuscript. He has since asked me to have the book re-written as a movie script. [Have it rewritten? Why doesn't he have it rewritten? Surely he has better connections with screenwriters than you have.] I’m hesitant to move forward without an agent’s representation and would love the opportunity to work with you on this project.
The Great Granellie is the first of a four-book series. I’ve included a chapter summary for the first book and a series overview for your convenience. I hope you enjoy this sample and I look forward to hearing from you regarding the rest.
Please don’t hesitate to contact me with questions. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Notes
First off, I don't understand calling it "Misadventures," rather than "Adventures." "Misadventures makes me think Jackie's a bumbling heroine, like Inspector Clouseau or The Three Stooges. I wouldn't refer to stories of MacGyver or Nancy Drew as misadventures.
Also, is each book in the series going to be titled The Misadventures of Jackie Smart and the X? Plain old Jackie Smart and the X sounds better. Don't worry, you won't be accused of stealing the title format from Harry Potter; Harry stole it from Tom Swift.
As you're enclosing the first three chapters, a chapter summary, and a series overview, and telling us nothing about them, we can't tell if there's something about your plot/characters that's turning an agent off. So what you want to know is why the one agent to whom you wrote isn't interested. Possibility: The agent you met at BEA sells books to publishers and doesn't deal with scripts. And she doesn't think your book is ready for publication, or she doesn't think she's the right person to sell it.
There are agents who specialize in scripts and agents who want nothing to do with them. The agent asked to see your chapters without knowing anything about the Disney producer. It seems better to let the agent get enthusiastic about your book before trying to interest her in setting up a film deal for you. If it's just the film deal you're interested in, it sounds like that's not going anywhere until you have a screenplay. If you're seeking an agent to contact this producer you met and tell him you'll be happy to turn your unpublished manuscript into a screenplay after he shows you the money, that's not how it works (unless you've had success in the field already, anyway).
Presumably you originally approached the agent because you want an agent to sell the first book of your series to a publisher. Yet this query could apply to any book in the series. There's nothing here about this book. Who's the Great Granellie? What mystery awaits Jackie Smart in her first misadventure? That's what the agent wants in your one-page query letter. (It's also what Evil Editor needs in order to compose a fake-sounding real plot.) If it intrigues her, she'll read your chapters.
There are hundreds of agents, and they all have many clients. That you met this one gives you a bit of an opening, but she met dozens or hundreds of people at BEA. She can't take on everyone. Try someone else. And send us your first 150 - 200 words so we can tell you if they're working for you.
New Beginning 426
I moved in during the winter, a bad time for moving, especially when one has bought a place out in the country, where the roads are not paved and traveling is already arduous. My friends grumbled and bitched about having to help me move in the cold, but there was really not all that much to move, and they cheered up once I served them hot coffee and pizza. They left me alone that evening, all of them ready to go back to their families or friends, their own lives. There were promises to call, on both sides. But I think they knew I didn’t really mean it. I don’t think they did, either.
My mother did not agree with my move. She especially did not agree with my having moved in winter. She said it was bad luck. She wondered aloud about the statistical possibility of my being killed by an axeman or some other form of serial killer.
And so I conducted an empirical study of serial killer habits and winter. Combing through news articles and police records for the last 30 years, I was able to gather 1827 murders attributed to serial killers, including axemen, knifemen, wiremen, and quarrymen, that also could be matched to a record of the local temperature at the time of murder. A 2X3 MANOVA found no statistically significant correlations between temperatures and axemen. However, a two-tailed t-test did border on significance (p<.06), but in the wrong direction! Indeed axemen were more likely to attack in warm weather.
Unfortunately, and this is where my tale begins, I forgot to look at attacks of the Yeti.
Opening: Freddie.....Continuation: Pacatrue
My mother did not agree with my move. She especially did not agree with my having moved in winter. She said it was bad luck. She wondered aloud about the statistical possibility of my being killed by an axeman or some other form of serial killer.
And so I conducted an empirical study of serial killer habits and winter. Combing through news articles and police records for the last 30 years, I was able to gather 1827 murders attributed to serial killers, including axemen, knifemen, wiremen, and quarrymen, that also could be matched to a record of the local temperature at the time of murder. A 2X3 MANOVA found no statistically significant correlations between temperatures and axemen. However, a two-tailed t-test did border on significance (p<.06), but in the wrong direction! Indeed axemen were more likely to attack in warm weather.
Unfortunately, and this is where my tale begins, I forgot to look at attacks of the Yeti.
Opening: Freddie.....Continuation: Pacatrue
Face-Lift 471
Guess the Plot
The Gold Miner's Daughter
1. The coal miner's daughter was on the cheerleading team, baked to-die-for biscuits, and had a flawless complexion. But none of that mattered to the boys when the new girl moved to town . . . the Gold Miner's Daughter.
2. She was a foundling and so ugly even Sister Veronica was sure she'd never speak. They gave her to the baker's wife: perhaps sweeping the shop would be a good career. The gold miner was her own invention, when she agreed to marry Frank, who seemed fond enough. Two weeks later she started finding shillings in her shoes. A month after that, she caught the frog: her little green father. Hilarity ensued.
3. She was only fourteen, but when her father died, she had two choices: living with her crippled mother in Baltimore, or panning for gold to find her fortune alone in the untamed California gold fields. Hey, can anyone blame her for choosing California? I mean, the woman was crippled.
4. Village hairdresser and former wonton harlot, Janice Hopkins, led her daughter to believe she was fathered by a traveling gold miner. But every year the girl's monumental nose looks more and more like the one gracing the face of Duke Wallace. So maybe it wasn't Tom the blacksmith or Edward the butcher, after all. Plus three pigs and a witch.
5. There was only one thing Lala McGee wanted more than a parrot, and that was a talking mole. Which is what drove her desperate father, Bud Jackson, to dig that night. He didn't expect to find Mayan gold in an empty lot between two mini-malls in the middle of Fort Lauderdale. But he did. And trouble followed.
6. Minnie Murphy's big fat inheritance is a gold pan and a burro, so she rides to Nashville and starts a Birthday Burro Ride gig on eBay to pay for guitar lessons and food until the day she saves a leprechaun from a gang of millionaire's brats, and he puts a charm on her gold pan. Plus a handsome cowboy named Dwight and his loyal dog, Stinky.
Original Version
Dear Mr. Editor:
Like other gold rushers, fourteen year old Andie Hunt thought she and her father would get rich once they reached the foothills of northern California in August of 1850. [Turned out the real gold rushers got there in 1849 and cleaned the place out. Andy and her dad were, however, among the first of the famed 1850 gold laggards.] After just a month at the Broken Wheel camp, however, her father dies of a sudden fever the “doctor” [He's no doctor. I can tell by the quotation marks.] is unable to cure, and Andie faces a difficult choice: Return to Baltimore for a dead-end life with her crippled mother, [Forget that.] or brave the gold fields alone to find her fortune and make a life in California. Choosing to stay, she soon finds both gold and danger.
Other Broken Wheel miners begin to fall ill with the same fever, and Andie fills in where the incompetent doctor [aka the "doctor."] proves ineffective. When she discovers her father’s illness and death were not accidental, however, she becomes a target and is forced to flee, narrowly eluding a would-be killer. Unable to survive on her own, however, [That's two "howevers" in two sentences. They cancel each other out.] she must return to Broken Wheel to retrieve her father’s belongings. While there, she reconnects with two boys she befriended on her journey from Baltimore, John and Daniel, and they help her settle into an abandoned cabin in a neighboring valley.
Just as Andie’s confidence in her new life is growing, John falls ill with the mysterious fever, and Andie is his only hope. Risking her life to sneak back into Broken Wheel to save John, Andie finds the doctor [No longer incompetent or in quotes, he is revealed as the diabolical supervillain known as . . . The Doctor.] lying in wait for her, and she is captured. Before she can save John, she must rescue herself and confront her father’s killer face to face, relying on help from Daniel as well as from a former enemy. [Enemy? She's fourteen. How old was she when her former enemy was her enemy?]
Gold Miner’s Daughter is a young adult novel complete in 56,000 words. Although it stands on its own, it is the first in a planned three-part series of Andie’s struggles to survive, thrive, and ultimately bring her mother to join her in California.
[Andie: Mom. It took me three years to get here, but I've come to take you to California. Dad's dead, by the way.
Mom: But I can't walk.
Andie: We're not walking, silly. I've got a covered wagon parked outside. All we need to do is survive winter in the Rockies, raids by native Americans, and thousands of miles of lawless, desolate territory, and we'll be at the Broken Wheel mine, where I'm sure all my gold and other stuff will still be waiting for us.]
I would be happy to send you the complete manuscript at your request. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to your reply.
Sincerely,
Notes
Clearly written which I'm thinking is a major factor for a YA query.
I assumed when Andie discovered her father's death wasn't an accident, either it wasn't a fever or the "doctor" caused the fever. But later (when John comes down with it) you still call the fever "mysterious." If the fever is still a mystery, what information did she discover that shows her father was murdered?
The doctor may be incompetent, but why is Andie John's only hope? What does she know about curing a deadly fever?
The Gold Miner's Daughter
1. The coal miner's daughter was on the cheerleading team, baked to-die-for biscuits, and had a flawless complexion. But none of that mattered to the boys when the new girl moved to town . . . the Gold Miner's Daughter.
2. She was a foundling and so ugly even Sister Veronica was sure she'd never speak. They gave her to the baker's wife: perhaps sweeping the shop would be a good career. The gold miner was her own invention, when she agreed to marry Frank, who seemed fond enough. Two weeks later she started finding shillings in her shoes. A month after that, she caught the frog: her little green father. Hilarity ensued.
3. She was only fourteen, but when her father died, she had two choices: living with her crippled mother in Baltimore, or panning for gold to find her fortune alone in the untamed California gold fields. Hey, can anyone blame her for choosing California? I mean, the woman was crippled.
4. Village hairdresser and former wonton harlot, Janice Hopkins, led her daughter to believe she was fathered by a traveling gold miner. But every year the girl's monumental nose looks more and more like the one gracing the face of Duke Wallace. So maybe it wasn't Tom the blacksmith or Edward the butcher, after all. Plus three pigs and a witch.
5. There was only one thing Lala McGee wanted more than a parrot, and that was a talking mole. Which is what drove her desperate father, Bud Jackson, to dig that night. He didn't expect to find Mayan gold in an empty lot between two mini-malls in the middle of Fort Lauderdale. But he did. And trouble followed.
6. Minnie Murphy's big fat inheritance is a gold pan and a burro, so she rides to Nashville and starts a Birthday Burro Ride gig on eBay to pay for guitar lessons and food until the day she saves a leprechaun from a gang of millionaire's brats, and he puts a charm on her gold pan. Plus a handsome cowboy named Dwight and his loyal dog, Stinky.
Original Version
Dear Mr. Editor:
Like other gold rushers, fourteen year old Andie Hunt thought she and her father would get rich once they reached the foothills of northern California in August of 1850. [Turned out the real gold rushers got there in 1849 and cleaned the place out. Andy and her dad were, however, among the first of the famed 1850 gold laggards.] After just a month at the Broken Wheel camp, however, her father dies of a sudden fever the “doctor” [He's no doctor. I can tell by the quotation marks.] is unable to cure, and Andie faces a difficult choice: Return to Baltimore for a dead-end life with her crippled mother, [Forget that.] or brave the gold fields alone to find her fortune and make a life in California. Choosing to stay, she soon finds both gold and danger.
Other Broken Wheel miners begin to fall ill with the same fever, and Andie fills in where the incompetent doctor [aka the "doctor."] proves ineffective. When she discovers her father’s illness and death were not accidental, however, she becomes a target and is forced to flee, narrowly eluding a would-be killer. Unable to survive on her own, however, [That's two "howevers" in two sentences. They cancel each other out.] she must return to Broken Wheel to retrieve her father’s belongings. While there, she reconnects with two boys she befriended on her journey from Baltimore, John and Daniel, and they help her settle into an abandoned cabin in a neighboring valley.
Just as Andie’s confidence in her new life is growing, John falls ill with the mysterious fever, and Andie is his only hope. Risking her life to sneak back into Broken Wheel to save John, Andie finds the doctor [No longer incompetent or in quotes, he is revealed as the diabolical supervillain known as . . . The Doctor.] lying in wait for her, and she is captured. Before she can save John, she must rescue herself and confront her father’s killer face to face, relying on help from Daniel as well as from a former enemy. [Enemy? She's fourteen. How old was she when her former enemy was her enemy?]
Gold Miner’s Daughter is a young adult novel complete in 56,000 words. Although it stands on its own, it is the first in a planned three-part series of Andie’s struggles to survive, thrive, and ultimately bring her mother to join her in California.
[Andie: Mom. It took me three years to get here, but I've come to take you to California. Dad's dead, by the way.
Mom: But I can't walk.
Andie: We're not walking, silly. I've got a covered wagon parked outside. All we need to do is survive winter in the Rockies, raids by native Americans, and thousands of miles of lawless, desolate territory, and we'll be at the Broken Wheel mine, where I'm sure all my gold and other stuff will still be waiting for us.]
I would be happy to send you the complete manuscript at your request. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to your reply.
Sincerely,
Notes
Clearly written which I'm thinking is a major factor for a YA query.
I assumed when Andie discovered her father's death wasn't an accident, either it wasn't a fever or the "doctor" caused the fever. But later (when John comes down with it) you still call the fever "mysterious." If the fever is still a mystery, what information did she discover that shows her father was murdered?
The doctor may be incompetent, but why is Andie John's only hope? What does she know about curing a deadly fever?
Monday, January 07, 2008
New Beginning 425
Hannah waited. She waited until after she’d stepped onto the plane, trying not to stare at the kimono-clad flight-attendant who welcomed her with a bow. She passed through the smell of coffee brewing and the wide aisle of first class to seat #48A, stopping once while a Japanese businessman stuffed the overhead compartment with his raincoat and sealed it inside with a loud claaack. Hannah waited until after she’d tucked her roller bag under the seat in front of her and her handbag under the armrest, pulled out her Ipod, unwrapped her pillow and blanket, and sat down. Seat belt fastened, she closed the shade against the setting sun, fit the pillow in the crack by the window, and unfolded the blanket to reveal a simple but elegant pattern of red and white fans. As she stared at the design in her lap, her eyes filled, morphing the fans into a pink blur. Unable to wait any longer, Hannah leaned back, shrouded her face with the blanket, and cried.
The climactic release cleansed her soul, though the tortuous self-imposed delay had nearly destroyed her. But even now, in this relative state of bliss, Hannah was not comfortable. There was more to be done. She removed the blanket from her lap and refolded it. She pulled the pillow out of the crack by the window and set it out of the way, yet still within reach. Her Ipod she returned to her bag so the Japanese businessman wouldn’t nick it, and the bag she repositioned under the seat in front of her. She unbuckled her seat belt; but now she would have to maneuver past the three-hundred pound Samoan who had taken the aisle seat, and that would likely involve speaking, something along the lines of, “Excuse me, please.” And then he would have to unbuckle his seat belt and stand up. And then there would be more walking. And waiting. The thought of it all filled her heart with unbearable dread. Overwhelmed, she rebuckled her seatbelt and peed in her pants.
Opening: Anonymous.....Continuation: blogless_troll
The climactic release cleansed her soul, though the tortuous self-imposed delay had nearly destroyed her. But even now, in this relative state of bliss, Hannah was not comfortable. There was more to be done. She removed the blanket from her lap and refolded it. She pulled the pillow out of the crack by the window and set it out of the way, yet still within reach. Her Ipod she returned to her bag so the Japanese businessman wouldn’t nick it, and the bag she repositioned under the seat in front of her. She unbuckled her seat belt; but now she would have to maneuver past the three-hundred pound Samoan who had taken the aisle seat, and that would likely involve speaking, something along the lines of, “Excuse me, please.” And then he would have to unbuckle his seat belt and stand up. And then there would be more walking. And waiting. The thought of it all filled her heart with unbearable dread. Overwhelmed, she rebuckled her seatbelt and peed in her pants.
Opening: Anonymous.....Continuation: blogless_troll
Pool Results
There seems to be more interest in having Robin back to her usual potty-mouth self than in extending the pool. In any case, regarding Fight Scene 15 (scroll down), I contend that anyone else would have written, I saw myself sitting there, a slender, tender blonde girl in front of a frosty Collins, sipping sporadically but mostly nibbling on the orange slice, chewing on the cherry. The cherry. Not: I saw myself sitting there, a slender, tender blonde girl nibbling . . . on my cherry. Furthermore, according to the International Bartenders Association,
a cherry isn't even part of the recipe for a Collins. Are you telling me a bartender in Houma, LA, in a place classy enough to have pool tables and foosball, would deviate from official IBA ingredients? No, that cherry wasn't put in by the bartender; it was put in by the author.
Moving on, note that the author didn't write Everyone else was drinking a beer, but rather, Everyone else was holding on to their brown longnecks. A subtle but noticeable difference.
Finally, it wasn't enough to say, I saw the switchblade, or He had his cue. The author had to add "in his hand" to each phrase (as if one would hold a pool cue or switchblade anywhere but his hand), making sure we didn't miss her fascination with whacking the weenie. In fact, while I don't have time to check the Urban Dictionary, I feel certain that along with "polishing the bishop" and "flogging the dolphin," you'll find among the idioms for masturbation, "stroking the switchblade," "glossing the longneck," and "chafing the cuestick."
The winner has 48 hours to acknowledge victory; otherwise the first runner-up will assume the winner's duties.
The guesses:
ME: Tuesday, 8 AM Dec. 7th
Sarah: Feb 22, noon
Dave F.: February 17th at 10:00 am
Chumplet: February 14th, 2008 at 9:00 pm Eastern time.
Anonymous: February 14th at twelve noon.
McKoala: 8pm February 12
Phoenix: Feb 7, 11:14 AM
blogless_troll: Jan 15th 10AM
Church Lady: Jan 12 at 8am
150: January 10th, high noon.
a cherry isn't even part of the recipe for a Collins. Are you telling me a bartender in Houma, LA, in a place classy enough to have pool tables and foosball, would deviate from official IBA ingredients? No, that cherry wasn't put in by the bartender; it was put in by the author.Moving on, note that the author didn't write Everyone else was drinking a beer, but rather, Everyone else was holding on to their brown longnecks. A subtle but noticeable difference.
Finally, it wasn't enough to say, I saw the switchblade, or He had his cue. The author had to add "in his hand" to each phrase (as if one would hold a pool cue or switchblade anywhere but his hand), making sure we didn't miss her fascination with whacking the weenie. In fact, while I don't have time to check the Urban Dictionary, I feel certain that along with "polishing the bishop" and "flogging the dolphin," you'll find among the idioms for masturbation, "stroking the switchblade," "glossing the longneck," and "chafing the cuestick."
The winner has 48 hours to acknowledge victory; otherwise the first runner-up will assume the winner's duties.
The guesses:
ME: Tuesday, 8 AM Dec. 7th
Sarah: Feb 22, noon
Dave F.: February 17th at 10:00 am
Chumplet: February 14th, 2008 at 9:00 pm Eastern time.
Anonymous: February 14th at twelve noon.
McKoala: 8pm February 12
Phoenix: Feb 7, 11:14 AM
blogless_troll: Jan 15th 10AM
Church Lady: Jan 12 at 8am
150: January 10th, high noon.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Face-Lift 470
Guess the Plot
Bloodlion
1. A political candidate wins election on the slogan, "I'm a unificaterer, not a divider-upper." But only after the vote does the populace find out that unification means homogenization by brutal genetic cleansing.
2. Osha is one of the "people of the lion." She's also a soulless killer who deserves to die. So why will no one kill her? Do they actually like her blood-colored skin? What's a girl gotta do to get treated like the criminal she is?
3. With the passage of a previously unknown comet, mutation gives rise to the dawning of a new age in evolution as Thapanre the Bloodlion, part lion, part vampire, unleashes his tormented genes upon the world.
4. When Friday night's ballots are counted, will suave bartender Dean Kozlov win the coveted Smirnoff Cup with secret formula #8Y4, aka the "bloodlion"? Or will his kneecaps get broken Thursday by his chief competitor, Vigo the Terrible?
5. King Leo's lineage is called into question when a mysterious prophet arrives from the Outer Lands, dressed in a lion skin dyed deep red with the blood of poisonous snakes. Can the monarch find the lost magic that will bring out the werelion in his ancestry in time to save his throne . . . and the kingdom with it?
6. When nutritionist Jane Hardy moves to Littleville with her eight children, she thinks it's a friendly place. Too bad the town is haunted by Bloodlion, a monster that feeds on lost dogs and children who stray into the woods. Days later Timmy is missing, the truth is out, and vengeful Jane decides to poison the beast with cheeseburgers, despite the protests of vegan farmer Brad Dungaree.
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor,
Thanks for your blog, I enjoy it immensely. I'm not actually seeking representation for my 100,000-word fantasy novel, Bloodlion, [Interesting. Is this reverse psychology?
You: I don't want representation, my book stinks, and I have no interest in hearing back from you.
Agent: I won't take no for an answer. Your contract is in the mail.]
(and since this is supposed to be for entertainment anyway, the only reason to say that is to pretend it's a real query opening), but I thought I'd try to ease the holiday lull. [I certainly hope the rest of the query makes more sense than whatever that was.]
When a merchant catches her and sells her to the authorities, [Catches her doing what?] Osha thinks she might finally get the justice she deserves. But the mage-aristocrats who bought her don't seem inclined to execute her. And she knows they should, either for her mother's Lnethki blood, which makes her a predator, or for her wild magic, which has killed any number of people.
[Merchant: I've captured Osha, the notorious serial killer.
Authorities: Great, we'll take it from here.
Merchant: Not so fast. I'll sell her to you for 5000 Jikyls.]
Instead, they claim they want to help her, supposedly on account of the wild magic. Ramye, her assigned teacher, insists on treating her like a human being despite her uncivilized and sometimes violent behavior. At least one person sees her as the soulless killer she is. Taiph, a young man with a grudge against the Lnethki people, makes every effort to get her kicked out, [Of what?] but never quite has the daring to do anything to her himself. Good thing no one realizes she's only half-Lnethki, or they'd really never punish her. [So she wants to be punished/executed? Has she considered self-flagellation or suicide?]
Killing someone might be the only way to prove what she is to the rest of them, but she has quite enough victims haunting her already, thanks very much. Instead, she tries to provoke Taiph into killing her, but that backfires when he recognizes her humanity and forgives her. [Is he forgiving her for trying to provoke him ("Come on, chicken. Kill me. You don't have the guts to kill me. Taiph. What a stupid name.") or for all the soulless killing she's done?]
Just when she's learning to control the wild magic [You keep using that term. What is wild magic?] and considers the idea that she might actually be human, a full-blooded Lnethki woman shows up. No matter what Ramye and Taiph think of her, Osha can't forget all the brutal reasons she believes her people, including herself, are bloodthirsty predators. And predators are the one thing Osha's never had compunctions against killing.
Thanks for your reading,
[Note: Bloodlion would refer to the Lnethki people's saying that they are the people of the lion, their reddish brown skin (which sometimes looks like dried blood), and Osha's obsession with blood.]
Notes
These mage-aristocrats seem pretty wussy for "authorities":
Merchant Fox: Aha, I've captured you, Osha Rabbit!
Osha Rabbit: Okay, you got me, but please, please, please don't turn me over to . . . the authorities.
So she's a soulless killer, and she wants to be executed. Tell us why we should pull for her. Did everyone she killed deserve it?
Forgiving soulless killers on the grounds that they have some humanity in them seems like a dangerous practice.
Instead of Taiph and Ramye, the other characters should be named Fema and Hud.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
The pool
I've been asked to oversee the Robin pool. Obviously I can't post everyone's guess or she'll see them. So send your guess as to what month, day and time Robin will next post something of a sexual nature.
In the event of controversy over whether a comment or post is actually of a sexual nature, the person claiming it is will be allowed to present his or her case, after which other minions may make counterclaims. An impartial jury of minions not in the pool will resolve the dispute.
A comment or post not intended to be sexual in nature, i.e. a Freudian slip, still counts.
Keep in mind, however, that it is possible to use the word "penis" in a nonsexual manner. For instance, The zombie's penis fell off.
Send your guess as a comment to this post. I'll withhold posting them until we have a winner, then post all of them. The time of Robin's sexual post/comment will be the time stamped on it when it posts.
In case of tie: If the crucial time proves to be noon tomorrow, and one person had 11 AM and another had 1 PM, the winner will be the person who had the earlier time.
If your date/time is identical to another minion's the minioon who submitted earliest gets that time and the other must change.
The winner will be declared on this blog, and not through email. If the winner has not acknowledged victory within 48 hours, it will be assumed they are not a loyal minion, and the second-closest guess wins. Etc.
The prize will be declared by Robin.
In the event of controversy over whether a comment or post is actually of a sexual nature, the person claiming it is will be allowed to present his or her case, after which other minions may make counterclaims. An impartial jury of minions not in the pool will resolve the dispute.
A comment or post not intended to be sexual in nature, i.e. a Freudian slip, still counts.
Keep in mind, however, that it is possible to use the word "penis" in a nonsexual manner. For instance, The zombie's penis fell off.
Send your guess as a comment to this post. I'll withhold posting them until we have a winner, then post all of them. The time of Robin's sexual post/comment will be the time stamped on it when it posts.
In case of tie: If the crucial time proves to be noon tomorrow, and one person had 11 AM and another had 1 PM, the winner will be the person who had the earlier time.
If your date/time is identical to another minion's the minioon who submitted earliest gets that time and the other must change.
The winner will be declared on this blog, and not through email. If the winner has not acknowledged victory within 48 hours, it will be assumed they are not a loyal minion, and the second-closest guess wins. Etc.
The prize will be declared by Robin.
New Beginning 424
Ashley's stilettos chattered on the tiles and she flapped her hands against the air for balance as she ran. She skidded into the boutique's front counter, splayed her fingers against it, and her over-size blue eyes widened to the point of grotesquery. "Lizabel, I may have got the part."
Lizabel didn't move a hair except to breathe the word, "Hush." She continued to lean on the counter like an elegant mannequin in autumn colors: chocolate skin, auburn hair, amber eyes. Those eyes had slid sideways, toward the doors to the Minor Surgery Spa, and a single vertical line marred the synth-skin between Lizabel's brows. A babble of high-pitched rage leaked from behind the lacquered doors.
"Lizabel!" Ashley gritted her teeth and writhed in frustration. Her bullet-shaped breasts and tiny waist made her look like the idealization of a pole dancer. "This could be the most important day of my life! Didn't you hear?"
"And can you not hear?" Lizabel pursed lips that were already swollen to mimic a pucker. "Mrs. Shienne is having a phone-fit at her lawyer in there."
Ashley straightened and frowned at the spa. "What about? I need time off this afternoon for my second audition."
Lizabel smiled. "She's disinheriting her son."
"Do you think she'll be in a good mood or bad when she's finished?"
Ronnie, the new VP of the children's division at WarnerFoxBC, turned off the video screen and faced the program's executive producer and pitchman.
"It's brilliant," she stated simply. "It's just what I was looking for, for our 7-10 year-old-girl demographic. The merchandising potential is through the roof here."
Only one thing was left. Ronnie knew she needed to get on the line to her broker and increase her stake in pharmaceuticals for plastic surgery for teens. God, this show was going to screw up a bunch of girls' body images. And that was a clear investment opportunity.
Oh, and antidepressants. Pre-teen Prozac. Maybe she could get Ashley's face imprinted on each pill?
Opening: Whitemouse.....Continuation: Pacatrue
Lizabel didn't move a hair except to breathe the word, "Hush." She continued to lean on the counter like an elegant mannequin in autumn colors: chocolate skin, auburn hair, amber eyes. Those eyes had slid sideways, toward the doors to the Minor Surgery Spa, and a single vertical line marred the synth-skin between Lizabel's brows. A babble of high-pitched rage leaked from behind the lacquered doors.
"Lizabel!" Ashley gritted her teeth and writhed in frustration. Her bullet-shaped breasts and tiny waist made her look like the idealization of a pole dancer. "This could be the most important day of my life! Didn't you hear?"
"And can you not hear?" Lizabel pursed lips that were already swollen to mimic a pucker. "Mrs. Shienne is having a phone-fit at her lawyer in there."
Ashley straightened and frowned at the spa. "What about? I need time off this afternoon for my second audition."
Lizabel smiled. "She's disinheriting her son."
"Do you think she'll be in a good mood or bad when she's finished?"
Ronnie, the new VP of the children's division at WarnerFoxBC, turned off the video screen and faced the program's executive producer and pitchman.
"It's brilliant," she stated simply. "It's just what I was looking for, for our 7-10 year-old-girl demographic. The merchandising potential is through the roof here."
Only one thing was left. Ronnie knew she needed to get on the line to her broker and increase her stake in pharmaceuticals for plastic surgery for teens. God, this show was going to screw up a bunch of girls' body images. And that was a clear investment opportunity.
Oh, and antidepressants. Pre-teen Prozac. Maybe she could get Ashley's face imprinted on each pill?
Opening: Whitemouse.....Continuation: Pacatrue
New Beginning 423
A dozen teens pointed to Austin as he jogged across the filed with his new prosthetic leg. Flesh-colored silicone muscles and cable-like tendons stretched over the hydraulic motors. Its movements mimicked his real leg.
"Hey Coach, your new foot kick a soccer ball?" Danny, a sixteen-year-old towhead with too-long legs and too-thin arms, flipped the ball up over his head with a fluid motion of his foot. Austin kicked the ball bending it around Danny and into the practice goal.
"Like that?" Austin put the artificial toe under another ball and flipped it up to his forehead, bouncing it at Danny.
"That leg don't limp like the old ones," Danny yelled again, his tenor voice carried over the field.
"New computers and motors. They beep and whirl, keep me awake at night."
"My girlfriend Cindy keeps me awake at night." Laughing, his teammates kicked the soccer balls spreading out across the practice field leaving Danny and Austin alone.
"Now, lad," Austin said, giving Danny a pointed look. "You know the rules about that sort of thing before a game."
"Sorry coach." Danny grinned from ear to ear. "Can't get anything past you, can I?"
"No, well, they sorted me head out same time as they did the leg. Thirty-two teraflops of nano-computer inside me noggin now. The full text of fifty encyclopaedia fully cross referenced in over a hundred gigabytes of random access memory."
Danny brought the ball to a halt and balanced his foot on top of it. "That's amazing coach."
"It is, Danny. But you know what, lad? Despite all this expensive technology, I . . . " His words faltered as a non-synthetic tear pricked the corner of his eye.
"What, coach?"
"Despite all of this, I . . . I still don't understand the bloody offside rule."
Opening: Dave F......Continuation: ril
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Vacation's Over
Time to get back to work. I need your query letters, openings to your novels and short stories, continuations for the openings already waiting, and fake plots.
2007 Face-Lift Awards
Every nominee received at least one first-place vote, but two of them eventually pulled away from the crowd.
A Cold Dark Place.....17 votes
The Ivory Tower.....19 votes
Return to Empire.....19 votes
Second Time Around.....20 votes
Bear Tamer.....20 votes
The Postcard.....20 votes
Mathias Corvinus and the Dragon's Order.....27 votes
Eel River.....34 votes
Sunshine Kids Make Money.....42 votes
With Gloves Off.....47 votes
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
2007 New Beginning Awards
Voting was light, and close. All five received votes. The nominees were all deserving, so rather than extend the deadline, here's the order of finish:
5th Place. New Beginning 210
4th Place. New Beginning 215
3rd Place. New Beginning 205
2nd Place. New Beginning 221
1st Place . New Beginning 207
2007 Guess the Plot Awards
Choosing the best individual fake plots would take forever. Thus the awards are for the best sets. As the authors of the fakes are you guys, I have chosen the order of finish myself.
5. The Wanderer
1. It was his song; it was her song; it was their song. And hearing the cover band butchering "The Wanderer" on the night of their anniversary pushes Christine over the edge.
2. "The Wanderer" arrives,
From another time and place.
Lilly falls in love with him,
He takes her into space.
But then the ingrate ditches her!
The guy was just a bum.
All men are jerks no matter,
What planet they are from.
They're all wanderers. Yeah they're wanderers.
3. Denny is the type of guy who’ll never settle down.
His ex-lovers stalk him as he roams from town to town.
When they suddenly attack him with cleavers in the night,
Janie takes his left arm, and Mary takes his right.
He nearly escapes from all the fuming rest,
But they reach inside his shirt and pull his heart out of his chest.
He's through wandering . . .
4. Larry's new gig as a Dion impersonator is taking over his life. When he gets slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit, can he blame the lyrics of "The Wanderer" for hugging and squeezing girls who don't even know his name? They call him The Wanderer. Yeah, he's a wanderer.
5. Wilbur went out shopping, got an early start,
Biggest box store ever, Super-Duper-Mart.
When he finished shopping, he wandered all about,
Couldn't for the life of him, find the exit out.
Now he's a wanderer. He's still wandering. He roams around around around around . . .
6. Mary takes her husband,
On her business trip to Rome.
While Mary's at the conference,
Frank wanders 'round alone.
In the red light district,
Checking out the chicks,
He suddenly spots Mary
On the corner turning tricks.
She's the wanderer . . .
7. She knew it was the wrong time of day to go to the mall.
She drove around the lot, couldn't find any space at all.
Desperate for a ladies room, her tushie hurts like hell.
Stuck between two minivans, in section double "L,"
She's the wanderer . . .
8. Tokyo, Sao Paulo,
New York, and Mexico,
Mumbai, Delhi, Shanghai,
Paris, Dhaka, Seoul,
Rio de Janeiro,
Miami, Moscow too,
Jakarta and Karachi,
London, Timbuktu,
She's the wanderer,
Yeah the wanderer,
Will Miss Snark ever find George Clooney?
4. Limorek Ironwood and the Sacred Crown
1. When Lim saw Jesus's thorny crown,
On a museum shelf he took it down.
He mistook it for grass,
Tried to smoke it, alas,
He burned the whole place to the ground.
2. A young man named Limorek Ironwood
Tried to roar just as loud as a lion could.
But the king of beasts roars,
While Lim sounded more
Like a porpoise or dolphin that's dying would.
3. Limorek was always impressed
With his dentist, who he thought was the best.
But when the oral surgeon
Sacrificed a virgin
Before Lim's root canal, he reassessed.
4. At Toadflax Magic School, London town,
It takes two years to earn cap and gown.
While his classmates took tests,
Lim embarked on a quest:
The seduction of sexy Ms. Crown.
5. King Ben felt his crown was too dim.
So he called in a young squire named Lim.
Then Lim and his team
Found a crown that did gleam.
Sir Lancelot had nothing on him.
6. "Ironwood," said she, "you're a prat.
To bed me, you must wear this 'hat.'"
"But it keeps falling off!"
"Ah," the damsel did scoff,
"Viagra will take care of that!"
3. The Horses of Roan
1. As hordes of rowdies march toward Roan Castle, Minnie Murphy grabs her wedding dress, jumps on the nearest horse, and starts a thundering stampede. The villains run away! Minnie saved the day! Then she finds a priest and her cowering beau, Sir Falderall! It's City Slickers meets Camelot as the wedding goes on as planned!
2. When musician James Morgan inadvertently releases the Horses of Roan, a man/horse demon gives him two weeks to get them back. But how? Can Morgan's music charm these savage beasts out of the swamp? It's Amadeus meets The Horse Whisperer, as Morgan races to round up the herd.
3. Professor Jones leaves more than a tip behind for busboy Cole Wyatt. Stuck between chili smeared napkins, Cole finds a copy of a map and the Professor's notes, notes that describe the treasures of the "Horses of Roan." It's Raiders of the Lost Ark meets Diner as Cole seeks the road out of greasy spoon hell.
4. While the Knights of Roan get drunk on rum at the Roan Tavern, their enemies, the Knights of Naor, steal all the horses. Now what? Must King Roannaor cancel the jousting match? It's Monty Python and the Holy Grail meets Marie Antoinette, as Queen Naorroan says, "Let them joust on foot!"
5. Baz, lead stud of the Horses of Roan frat house, is organizing the annual ugliest-date orgy. When he mistakenly invites the Bitches of Eastwick sorority instead of the Coyotes of Camden, the mighty Horses end up toadying to the man-hating B's. It's Animal House meets The Wicker Man as Baz tries to de-frog the football team before those Bitches finally succeed in gelding the Horses of Roan for eternity.
6. Joey McDeever, son of a rodeo cowboy deadbeat dad, sees the Lippizaner stallions on TV and realizes his calling is to train horses for such grace and beauty. But all he's got is two worn-out, brownish nags. It's Seabiscuit meets Kramer vs Kramer as he trains the horses into champions, only to have his father return to fight for custody.
2. The Theft of the Daidanna Dankenka Maru
1. An animal trainer, a schoolteacher and an astronaut steal Earth's first starship in order to escape the Earth's pollution and recreate Earth's biosphere on another planet. Also, a suicidal whale.
2. Dundenna Kantawanna momo dinteka wantana. Maima ratwonu titi kenka ma kenku, danna mianta Maru. Also, a vampire.
3. Alex, a two-bit street thief, determines to join the ranks of the master thieves by stealing the Daidanna Dankenka Maru, the most often stolen artifact in the world. Now, he just has to figure out two things: where it is, and what it is.
4. By the time Tony "The Stutterer" Calabrese has finished explaining the intricate details of the heist to his street crew, the cops are on to his scheme and he's on the run. Next time, he'll just rob a bank and forget about the Daidanna Dankenka Maru.
5. Police Chief Jake Martin is having no problem tracking the stolen masterpiece, the Daidanna Dankenka Maru. It's filling out the police report that's so difficult.
6. When a new Virginia class attack sub is christened USS Daidanna Dankenka Maru, some of the higher ups in the Pentagon have a conniption fit. They assign Black Ops Specialist Trick Lambert to do the one thing more difficult than pronouncing it: steal it, and send it to Davy Jones’ locker.
1. Jumbie-mon
1. Lemme tell you mon, deh women be wakkin home let wun eev-nin, wen dat man's ghost joomped rite outta dem bushes en skaret em to death.
2. Wen mild-mannered Rhashan Turnbull smoken deh Jamaican weed, he behcomen deh superhero Joombie-mon, scoorge of deh Rastafarian crim'nools.
3. Agent Troy Davis dealen wit deh Ebola-like virus, deh nuclear war, 'n' a fanat'cal coolt as he rehcen deh clock to learnen the secret of . . . Joombie-mon!
4. Wen Bob becomen depresset wit his life as an inshoorance salesman, Marsha inspiren him teh flee his suboorban home 'n' try teh make it in Alaska, as a Reggae droomer wit dretlocks down to here 'n' deh awesome rhythm.
5. Pirates of deh Caribbean a la Rastafari grooviness, 1974 -- featuren deh ruthless cold war Roossian spies, two oondercover George Booshes, a yoong Dick Cheney disguisen as one-a Mick Jagger's groupies, Richard Nixon and a band callen deh "Jamaican Beatles."
6. Pikachu, Charizard, and all deh other Pokemon's bein' driven out of deh hearts of deh elementry schoolers by deh Joombie-mon, who look'n like bad-assed, fire-breathen Tele-toobies, only worsen. Wit millioons in advertisen at steck, deh battle's on.
For those interested, the real plots, in order from #5, were:
5, 3, 2, 1, 3
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Guess the Real Titles
The list below includes 14 books (listed on BN.com) dealing humorously with the subjects of business, money and computers. It also includes 14 titles made up by your fellow minions. Which are the actual book titles?
50 Jobs Worse than Yours
101 Ways to Get Your Boss Fired
100 Bullshit Jobs...And How to Get Them
Office Dirty Tricks: 50 Ways to Sabotage Your Coworkers and Bluff Your Way to the Top
50 Satisfying Ways to Destroy Your Computer
Eat the Rich: A Treatise on Economics
What Would Machiavelli Do?: The Ends Justify the Meanness
Loving Microsoft Windows: Better Living through Chemistry
Extreme Office Crafts: Creative & Devious Ways to Waste Office Supplies & Company Time
Outsourcing Sleeping Your Way to the Top
Double the Fun with Double Entry Accounting
How to Succeed at Globalization: A Primer for the Roadside Vendor
The Glass Ceiling: Keeping it Sparkling Clean
Your Retirement Plan: Tuning it up or Polishing a Turd?
Now You've Got It, How to Keep It
Cube Chic: Take Your Office Space from Drab to Fab!
Pimp My Cubicle: Take Your Workspace from Boring to Bling!
Make A++ with C++
Cubicle Survival Guide: Keeping Your Cool in the Least Hospitable Environment on Earth
Who Moved My Soap?: The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison
Every Partner for Himself: Squeeze out your colleagues before they squeeze you out
It's Better Than Nerdsex: All Night Programming Fun!
Death by PowerPoint
Bullwinkle on Business: Motivational Secrets of a Chief Executive Moose
Test your knowledge quotient
Office Haiku: Poems Inspired by the Daily Grind
What to do When You Can't Get Enough (money)
Rich Writer, Poor Writer, Even Poorer Writer, Positively Indigent Writer
Answers Below
Fakes supplied by--McKoala, Bill H., Deborah K. White, writtenwyrdd, EE
The actual book titles are:
50 Jobs Worse than Yours
100 Bullshit Jobs...And How to Get Them
Office Dirty Tricks: 50 Ways to Sabotage Your Coworkers and Bluff Your Way to the Top
Eat the Rich: A Treatise on Economics
Extreme Office Crafts: Creative & Devious Ways to Waste Office Supplies & Company Time
Who Moved My Soap?: The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison
Death by PowerPoint
What Would Machiavelli Do?: The Ends Justify the Meanness
Cube Chic: Take Your Office Space from Drab to Fab!
Pimp My Cubicle: Take Your Workspace from Boring to Bling!
How to Succeed at Globalization: A Primer for the Roadside Vendor
Cubicle Survival Guide: Keeping Your Cool in the Least Hospitable Environment on Earth
Bullwinkle on Business: Motivational Secrets of a Chief Executive Moose
Office Haiku: Poems Inspired by the Daily Grind
Friday, December 28, 2007
Satan and the Antichrist
Ten fake plots starring the evil ones. Plus two actual plots from minions' novels. Which are the real ones?
1. Terminal cancer patient Steve Marsden makes a deal with the devil: his eternal soul in exchange for 7665 extra days of life, just long enough to see his infant daughter grow up and get married. But Satan mischievously grants Steve 7665 dog days, which pass at seven times the speed of human days. Can Steve get his daughter married off by the age of three?
2. Bob is a pimply, poor-mouthed nerd, but when Satan comes calling, Bob sells his soul in order to become his opposite in every way. When his silver-tongued opposite brings the world to the brink of destruction, can Bob overcome laws of physics to save humanity . . . and the only girl who liked him as a nerd?
3. Satan couldn't believe it when his performance review came in. No longer would the board of directors allow him to reign in hell. Now he must serve in Heaven. And God is a lousy tipper.
4. When movie director Marcus Bray is told that angelic Annika Angstrom, the child star of his latest film, is the Antichrist, he assumes that means she's a typical Hollywood spoiled brat--until a series of grisly “accidents” start killing off the cast and crew. Is a hit movie worth letting Annika achieve dominion over the world?
5. Hell just wasn't any fun. Sure it sounded good when Satan used that famous recruiting line: It's better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven. The trouble was, Satan was the only one who did any ruling. Everyone else suffered eternal torment. Can Elgin find that elusive chink in the brimstone that will allow him to escape? Also, a clock that runs backwards.
6. Jury duty in heaven is hell. After 1,562,354 years, Molly learns she still can't talk about Satan's trial after his fall from heaven . . . which means she will never, ever get to be on Oprah. This leads her to the biggest existential crisis she has ever faced. Luckily for her, she has plenty of time to think about it.
7. In the cutthroat world of fashion design, Ellen DeLong has always been second rate. That is, until she makes a deal with Satan and gains the magical Shears of Endor.
8. Nine-year-old Ashley-Blanche Carmichael leaves Catholic school to follow her dream of stardom, only to land in the middle of the most bizarre child beauty pageant ever. Can the nuns of St. Wendelyn's keep her from winning the title of . . . The Prettiest Little Antichrist?
9. He was the most amazing man she ever knew: smart, strong, and sexy. But if Maribel bears the child of Satan, will he love her faithfully forever, or will he leave her only . . . A Legacy of Ashes?
10. The first time didn't go so well. The second, well, that whole Hiroshima thing put paid to it. But Satan is back and ready for more, and this time he's got a plan he's sure will succeed.
11. Six years ago Marlene was seduced by Satan himself. Now she's readying their daughter Firenza to compete in beauty pageants. But she needs the father's permission. Will she discover that there are some things too horrifying for even Satan?
12. A cloning experiment in Area 51 creates a hybrid of a human and an alien, a hybrid that proves to be . . . the Antichrist!
Answers below
Actual plots:
4 and 12
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Face-Lift 469
Guess the Plot
Unholy Ghosts
1. Each year, God selects the most worthy spirit in Heaven to serve as the Holy Ghost. This year, He's making his selection through an American Idol style contest, with the losers spending the year in Hell. For Justin, it's damned if he does, and damned if he doesn't.
2. They were ratty, they were torn, they were holey ghosts. But now, thanks to a little help from the Spirit of Christmas Past, they're getting it all together. Demons better watch out - its the all new . . . Unholy Ghosts.
3. The Baptists had it all wrong - way wrong. Now they're sitting in a very Catholic purgatory, all 200 million of 'em, contemplating just how wrong they were. Soon, it's gonna be time for revenge. If you've ever taught Sunday School, pack your bags and get out of town - before the Unholy Ghosts come calling.
4. Lex Hopper's mom refuses to ruin a perfectly good sheet by cutting eyeholes in it so he can be a ghost at Hallowe'en. Later that night, a still-incensed Lex meets the Devil enjoying a hot tub in Mrs. Minchpick's back yard. There's more than one way to make a ghost and Lex's mom is about to discover there's more to life than good sheets.
5. After a long series of flubs and mistakes, paranormal investigator Rory Mitchell isn't really sure of anything anymore. She knows one thing, though: ghosts can't really hurt anyone. But soon she finds out she's wrong. Again.
6. A drug addict is hired by her dealer to banish spirits from an airport so he can use the place for smuggling. It sounds like a piece-of-cake job, but there's a downside: these are no ordinary spirits; they're . . . Unholy Ghosts!
Original Version
Dear Agent,
[Insert line or two about how I found agent or whatever.] [Agent or whatever? Listen, if you can't get an agent immediately, keep trying. Don't settle for a mannequin or a weredingo.] I would love for you to consider representing UNHOLY GHOSTS, my approximately 83,000 thousand word [83,000 thousand equals 83 million. 83 million equals instant reject. Unless it's an encyclopedia.] [Word count should be approximated by rounding down to the nearest ten million, and subtracting 1 so it doesn't seem quite so long. In this case it would be 79,999,999.] dark urban fantasy set primarily in a punk-rock ghetto known as Downside.
[When you're depressed and shit is making you bitter
You can always go - Downside
When you're hopped up on drugs and feel suicidal
You can off yourself - Downside
Just listen to the racket of the axemen and the drummers
Linger with the emos as they claim their lives are bummers
How can you breathe?
The waste and puke fill the air
You can deny all your responsibilities there
So go Downside, tell yourself life is great
Downside - great place to take a date
Downside - everything sucks when you're there.]
Sometimes addictions are more trouble than they're worth… [If you're going to start your sales pitch with this line, I think I'd start the whole query with it. It feels weird following the previous paragraph.] [Though my advice is to start the query with the song parody.]
In a world where having a ghost in your house could earn you an enormous cash settlement from the Church of Truth—government, state religion, and the only line of defense between humanity and the spirits determined to destroy them—faking a haunting is seen by some as a better shot to [at] riches than the lottery. [Standing in the desert hoping a bag containing 10,000 thousand dollars falls out of the sky is a better shot at riches than the lottery.] [I would delete everything between the dashes. It's a lengthy and somewhat confusing interruption of the set-up.] That's why the Church has Debunkers. Their job is to disprove the hauntings, or banish the ghosts back to the City of Eternity if the haunting is proved real.
Cesaria "Chess" Putnam is a Debunker. She's also an orphan, a former abused foster child, and a loner for whom drugs are all that make life worth the bother.
When her drug dealer offers her a way to work off her debt to him, by debunking or banishing the haunting at an abandoned airport so he can use it for smuggling, she agrees. [Banishing I can see, but debunking? Why would anyone fake a haunting at an abandoned airport? Who stands to get rich?] Wiping fifteen grand—it should have been only four, but he's decided to charge interest—off the books suits her just fine, and the job should be as easy as swallowing a pill.
Too bad nothing is ever easy, especially in Downside. [But nothing is ever easy in Downside.] A rival drug gang discovers what Chess is doing and offers a counter-deal she can't refuse: if she doesn't banish the ghosts, they'll supply her for free. [That's it? Unless they pay off her debt as well, she can easily refuse.] She'd be glad to turn her back on the whole thing and curl up on her couch getting high, but what's going on at the airport is far more sinister than a mere haunting. When a decaying corpse is found with a soul trapped inside and the black magicians responsible decide to pay a middle-of-the-night visit to Chess' apartment for a little weapons practice, Chess realizes she can't just walk away. Solving this one is going to take every bit of bravery, intelligence, and skill she possesses…and an awful lot of amphetamines too. [What does she need to solve? You said the black magicians were responsible.]
Unholy Ghosts is a stand-alone novel, but is planned as the first in a series.
I have [small press credits]. I'd be happy to send the complete manuscript of Unholy Ghosts for your review. Thanks for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Notes
Your Church of Truth won't be the only one. There's an International Church of Truth and a Cosmic Church of Truth and a Marvel Universe Church of Truth. But don't worry, I'm guessing more people read this blog than are members of any of them.
What's the point of faking a haunting if the Church sends in Debunkers? Is Debunking an inexact science?
What's the point of banishing ghosts "back" to the City of Eternity? They left it once; why won't they leave again?
Is haunting an abandoned airport more fun than being in the City of Eternity? Just wondering about the spirits' motivation.
You'll have to get Chess off the drugs soon. It'll interfere with her debunking, and her employer won't stand for it.
Guess the Plot Prep
We're in a holiday lull, with no new queries coming in, no one submitting continuations, etc. Those who enjoy writing fake plots have nothing to do. Sympathizing with them, I'm preparing a Guess the Plot quiz for books nominated in a few categories of the 2007 Edgar Awards, given for the best mysteries.
· The Pale Blue Eye
· The Dead Hour
· The Virgin of Small Plains
· Liberation Movements
· The Faithful Spy
· Sharp Objects
· The King of Lies
· Holmes on the Range
· A Field of Darkness
· The Open Curtain
Go to it. Do any or all. Remember, they're all mysteries. I'll remove titles from the list once they have enough good fakes.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
2007 Best Face-Lift Nominations
Approximately 40 Face-Lifts were nominated by volunteers and myself. I have narrowed the field to ten. Your job is to choose the very best.
You have 15 points, which you may allocate in any way you wish, but you may not give more than five points to any nominee. You could allocate 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1 to your five favorites. You could decide it's a three-way tie for first place and give three of them 5 points. You're judging EE here, so don't consider the Guess the Plots, the quality of the query itself, the genre or appeal of the book being queried, the comments, or the identity of the author.
face-lift 257
face-lift-264
face-lift 270
face-lift 347
face-lift 357
face-lift 359
face-lift 363
face-lift 388
face-lift 406
face-lift 437
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Christmas Guess the Plot
The fake plots below appeared on this blog during the past year. But not all of them proved to be fake. Which two are the actual plots of minions' novels?
1. When “undocumented worker” Carlos Cruz shows up at the day labor pool on Christmas Eve, the only guy offering work is a pequeno duende with bells on his shoes. Driving the sleigh is no problem, but will Christmas be ruined when Carlos has to take a leak at 30,000 feet? The kid who asked for the jar of marbles will probably think so.
2. A pearl for Christmas, a ruby for Valentine's, and an emerald for her birthday. Sue's husband sure is spending hard to assure her that his cheating days are over. But will the sparkle of her Columbus Day sapphire blind her to his sudden increase in "business trips"?
3. Evelyn told her mother-in-law that she wears a size 12, when a 16 is closer to the truth. With the family reunion drawing near, will Evelyn resign herself to wearing the ill-fitting gifts her mother-in-law sent her for Christmas, or will she find a way to escape. . . The Lies that Bind?
4. Poverty and creativity went hand in hand for Pearl, until her homemade Christmas ornaments became big sellers in Winston-Salem. Success is a puff away, but can she find the right partner for her Cigarette Angel factory or will her plans go up in smoke?
5. Charlotte has a thing for holidays. She poisoned the marshmallow chicks in her first husband's Easter basket, strangled her second husband with the ribbon from the Valentine's Day chocolate box, and suffocated her third with the helium balloons at his own birthday party. Now, as Christmas approaches, hubby #4 wonders why that package under the tree is ticking.
6. Every year, Carrie's creepy boss has groped and French-kissed her at the office holiday party. With the antidote in her hip pocket, she waits near the mistletoe and keeps her tongue away from her poisoned lipstick. By this time next year, she'll be the VP doing the groping.
7. Christmas at the estate of Lord Ajax was supposed to be the climax of this year's social season-- and the moment Lord Ajax proposes to her. But Clarissa discovers she is not to be the recipient of a marriage proposal, when she discovers her Ajax under the mistletoe, locked in the embrace of . . . her brother.
8. It's Christmas, and Christine has no one to spend it with--until she gets drawn into an international drug conspiracy by hunky doctor David McLeod. Now that she's found true love, can she stay alive long enough to enjoy it? Also, Johnny Cash.
9. What started as an innocent kiss at the Devorson’s posh Christmas party turns into an obsession that leaves a trail of bodies from New York to Nevada. Beautiful detective Mary Sky must find the X-mas Killer, following the clues he leaves her, before Christmas rolls around again and his knife finds her under the Mistletoe.
10. Kelly Coosman volunteered to work the kissing booth for the parish Christmas Gala…it was the least she could do after Father McElroy rescued her from the streets of Chicago. But she’s been on her feet for fourteen hours straight, smooching hundreds of nicotine-fouled old men with rotten yellow teeth, and she's thinking prostitution wasn't so bad after all.
11. Confident his parents won't be getting him a Christmas present, Nate runs away from home and moves into Wal-Mart. When a night security guard finds him and realizes he's the missing boy she read about in the newspaper, she sets up a tent, gets Nate a sleeping bag, and helps him set up a household. Hey, the place gets lonely at night.
12. Investigative journalist Shiela Nagig is working on an expose of the child beauty contest circuit when the Archdiocese of Sheboygan hires her to find out why six of their little angels from the Christmas Play have mysteriously disappeared along with a valuable altarpiece.
Real Plots Below
The real plots are
8 and 11
1. When “undocumented worker” Carlos Cruz shows up at the day labor pool on Christmas Eve, the only guy offering work is a pequeno duende with bells on his shoes. Driving the sleigh is no problem, but will Christmas be ruined when Carlos has to take a leak at 30,000 feet? The kid who asked for the jar of marbles will probably think so.
2. A pearl for Christmas, a ruby for Valentine's, and an emerald for her birthday. Sue's husband sure is spending hard to assure her that his cheating days are over. But will the sparkle of her Columbus Day sapphire blind her to his sudden increase in "business trips"?
3. Evelyn told her mother-in-law that she wears a size 12, when a 16 is closer to the truth. With the family reunion drawing near, will Evelyn resign herself to wearing the ill-fitting gifts her mother-in-law sent her for Christmas, or will she find a way to escape. . . The Lies that Bind?
4. Poverty and creativity went hand in hand for Pearl, until her homemade Christmas ornaments became big sellers in Winston-Salem. Success is a puff away, but can she find the right partner for her Cigarette Angel factory or will her plans go up in smoke?
5. Charlotte has a thing for holidays. She poisoned the marshmallow chicks in her first husband's Easter basket, strangled her second husband with the ribbon from the Valentine's Day chocolate box, and suffocated her third with the helium balloons at his own birthday party. Now, as Christmas approaches, hubby #4 wonders why that package under the tree is ticking.
6. Every year, Carrie's creepy boss has groped and French-kissed her at the office holiday party. With the antidote in her hip pocket, she waits near the mistletoe and keeps her tongue away from her poisoned lipstick. By this time next year, she'll be the VP doing the groping.
7. Christmas at the estate of Lord Ajax was supposed to be the climax of this year's social season-- and the moment Lord Ajax proposes to her. But Clarissa discovers she is not to be the recipient of a marriage proposal, when she discovers her Ajax under the mistletoe, locked in the embrace of . . . her brother.
8. It's Christmas, and Christine has no one to spend it with--until she gets drawn into an international drug conspiracy by hunky doctor David McLeod. Now that she's found true love, can she stay alive long enough to enjoy it? Also, Johnny Cash.
9. What started as an innocent kiss at the Devorson’s posh Christmas party turns into an obsession that leaves a trail of bodies from New York to Nevada. Beautiful detective Mary Sky must find the X-mas Killer, following the clues he leaves her, before Christmas rolls around again and his knife finds her under the Mistletoe.
10. Kelly Coosman volunteered to work the kissing booth for the parish Christmas Gala…it was the least she could do after Father McElroy rescued her from the streets of Chicago. But she’s been on her feet for fourteen hours straight, smooching hundreds of nicotine-fouled old men with rotten yellow teeth, and she's thinking prostitution wasn't so bad after all.
11. Confident his parents won't be getting him a Christmas present, Nate runs away from home and moves into Wal-Mart. When a night security guard finds him and realizes he's the missing boy she read about in the newspaper, she sets up a tent, gets Nate a sleeping bag, and helps him set up a household. Hey, the place gets lonely at night.
12. Investigative journalist Shiela Nagig is working on an expose of the child beauty contest circuit when the Archdiocese of Sheboygan hires her to find out why six of their little angels from the Christmas Play have mysteriously disappeared along with a valuable altarpiece.
Real Plots Below
The real plots are
8 and 11
Monday, December 24, 2007
Zombies!
A dozen of the following thirty titles are available at Amazon.com. The others were made up by the Evil Minions. Make your guesses; the answers are below.
Zombie Bums from Uranus
Man, Beast and Zombie
White Zombie Astro-Creep
Stubbs the Zombie: Rebel Without a Pulse
March of the Undead
How to Make Love Like a Zombie
Brainstorm
Would Anyone who has Lost an Arm Please Contact the Service Desk: Your Limb is Waiting For You
Zomboni: the ultimate sex guide for the living dead
Zomboni: My Life Driving the Truck With the Wacky Name
Dead Man's Best
Fred and Anthony Meet the Demented Super-de-Germ-O Zombie
Zombie Monkey Monster Jamboree
The Dead Rise
The Zen of Zombie
The Down-Home Zombie Blues
Zombie Surf Commandos
The Good, the Dead and the Fed
The Dead-Vinci Mode: Renaissance Art from a nonliving perspective.
Love You True, My Eye's On You
Gombie: An Autobiography. From stretchy to stiff and all the stuff in between.
100 Zombies You Should Know: a feel-good book for the undead.
Dead Alive
Everything I Needed to Know, I Learned While I Was Still Alive: inspiring anecdotes and observations from a former Rabbi (and yes, he still keeps kosher)
The Secret Life of Z's: The original do-it-yourself book for zombification.
Keep My Hand, Keep My Heart
Dead Sexy
I, Zombie
Mondo Zombie
Undead in the City
Answers Below
Fakes submitted by Deb, December/Stacia, Khazar-khum, McKoala
Actual Zombie Book Titles:
The Zen of Zombie
The Down-Home Zombie Blues
Zombie Bums from Uranus
Man, Beast and Zombie
White Zombie Astro-Creep
Stubbs the Zombie: Rebel Without a Pulse
Zombie Surf Commandos
How to Make Love Like a Zombie
Fred and Anthony Meet the Demented Super-de-Germ-O Zombie
Zombie Monkey Monster Jamboree
I, Zombie
Mondo Zombie
Zombie Bums from Uranus
Man, Beast and Zombie
White Zombie Astro-Creep
Stubbs the Zombie: Rebel Without a Pulse
March of the Undead
How to Make Love Like a Zombie
Brainstorm
Would Anyone who has Lost an Arm Please Contact the Service Desk: Your Limb is Waiting For You
Zomboni: the ultimate sex guide for the living dead
Zomboni: My Life Driving the Truck With the Wacky Name
Dead Man's Best
Fred and Anthony Meet the Demented Super-de-Germ-O Zombie
Zombie Monkey Monster Jamboree
The Dead Rise
The Zen of Zombie
The Down-Home Zombie Blues
Zombie Surf Commandos
The Good, the Dead and the Fed
The Dead-Vinci Mode: Renaissance Art from a nonliving perspective.
Love You True, My Eye's On You
Gombie: An Autobiography. From stretchy to stiff and all the stuff in between.
100 Zombies You Should Know: a feel-good book for the undead.
Dead Alive
Everything I Needed to Know, I Learned While I Was Still Alive: inspiring anecdotes and observations from a former Rabbi (and yes, he still keeps kosher)
The Secret Life of Z's: The original do-it-yourself book for zombification.
Keep My Hand, Keep My Heart
Dead Sexy
I, Zombie
Mondo Zombie
Undead in the City
Answers Below
Fakes submitted by Deb, December/Stacia, Khazar-khum, McKoala
Actual Zombie Book Titles:
The Zen of Zombie
The Down-Home Zombie Blues
Zombie Bums from Uranus
Man, Beast and Zombie
White Zombie Astro-Creep
Stubbs the Zombie: Rebel Without a Pulse
Zombie Surf Commandos
How to Make Love Like a Zombie
Fred and Anthony Meet the Demented Super-de-Germ-O Zombie
Zombie Monkey Monster Jamboree
I, Zombie
Mondo Zombie
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Face-Lift 468
Guess the Plot
The Spirit Thief
1. When a soul-sucking witch is picked for the cheerleading squad, it's up to cheerleader/amateur sleuth Allie Jones to uncover her identity before all the oomph goes out of her fellow cheerleaders.
2. Master thief Kadie will accept any commission if the pay--and the challenge--are enough. But when she "reallocates" the sealed jar on the altar of the crocodile god Sebek, the question becomes, Can she put something back before the world ends?
3. He's Eli, a charming wizard and the greatest thief in the world. She's Miranda, the wizardess hired to hunt him down. But when a more powerful wizard shows up and snatches the kingdom's throne, can Eli and Miranda team up to prevent him from also stealing the souls of inanimate objects?
4. One by one, the cheerleaders at Central High are succumbing to depression. The homecoming pep rally resembles a funeral. When quarterback Jack Van Helsing discovers that the new kid at school is more than a mere Goth/emo weirdo, can he stop The Spirit Thief before everyone starts dressing in black and wearing a lot of make-up?
5. Mrs. Mary Muffleton can't get through a day without a sip or two of hard spirits. When she finds her whiskey flask mysteriously drained, even teetotaling Mr. Muffleton gets involved in the hunt for the culprit. Strange noises in the basement, a blunt axe and a mismatched pair of shoes are the only clues to the identity of . . . The Spirit Thief.
6. When ghosts start disappearing, Trevor the poltergeist hopes that heaven has lowered its standards. But then he discovers the truth: the spirits are being systematically abducted by high-tech mercenaries, led by a nefarious scientist named Egon. In order to free his people, Trevor will pick off his foes one by one, possess a health inspector, and if he's lucky, get people to stop calling him 'Slimer'.
Original Version
Dear (agent-name-spelled-right),
In a world where everything has a soul, [Everything? Do people feel guilty about sending their trash to a landfill, knowing it deserves a proper burial?] and magic is as much about fast talking as raw power, Eli Monpress is a wizard who can charm a door off its hinges. [Does charming a door off its hinges affect the door's soul?] He's also the age's most famous thief, with a price on his head large enough to fund a small war. But that's not nearly enough for Eli, he has a higher goal, a greater purpose: earn a bounty of one million gold, or die trying. Of course, "die trying" is exactly what Miranda Lyonet, the wizardess with the impossible job [It's impossible?] of catching Eli before he ruins the reputation of wizards everywhere, would prefer he did. My fantasy novel, The Spirit Thief, complete at 75,000 words, is about what happens when magic, money, and a royal kidnapping gone wrong change the rules in the old game of cat and cat.
When Eli talks his way out of jail
[Eli: Guard!
Guard: What now?
Eli: Funniest thing. You're not gonna believe this, but . . . I'm innocent.
Guard: You're right, I don't . . . Hey, what's your cell door doing off its hinges?]
and steals the king of Mellinor, [Actually, we have a special word for stealing a person.] a country that has forbidden magic since its founding, there's nothing the nobles can do. [Well, they could send their armies after Eli, but his fast-talking skills would easily thwart them.
General: We've found you at last, Eli. Turn over our king or die.
Eli: Funniest thing. He escaped days ago. He should be back in Melanoma by now.
General: I don't want to believe you, but you're so damn charming.]
Fortunately for them, Miranda arrives right on Eli's heels. She offers to rescue the king, and catch Eli in the process, [Isn't catching Eli impossible? I know I heard that somewhere.] if Mellinor will rethink its ban on wizards. The nobles reluctantly agree, and Miranda begins the dangerous business of tracking down the self-proclaimed "greatest thief in the world." [Begins? I thought she was already tracking him down. Remember? To keep him from ruining the reputation of wizards everywhere?] But things get complicated when the kidnapped king's older brother, Renaud, himself a wizard banished by Mellinor's law, takes advantage of the confusion to make his triumphant return. Happy to have any prince, wizard or no, the nobles rush to follow his orders, but Miranda is suspicious. Can a banished prince really be willing to [Would a banished prince] stick his neck out for the younger brother who took his throne?
She gets her answer when Renaud sabotages the king's rescue, cheating Eli out of his ransom money and framing Miranda for the true king's death. [The true king? Isn't the true king the kidnapped younger brother? Since when is he dead?] To clear her name, and get out of the country alive, Miranda has to face the traitorous prince. But Renaud proves to be a more powerful wizard than she suspected, and it soon becomes clear she's going to need help. Unfortunately, "help" means swallowing her pride and teaming up with the thief who started this whole mess. But even Miranda and Eli together might not be enough to stop the plan Renaud has been hatching since he lost his birthright, and the price of failure could be much higher than Mellinor's throne. [The price of failure is the key. It's your query's Maltese Falcon. Its Ring of Power. Excalibur. The Grail . . . What is it?]
(Closing comments specific to each agent – not to exceed 25 words),
Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you soon,
Sincerely,
Revised Version
In a world where magic is as much about fast talking as raw power, Eli Monpress is a wizard who can charm a door off its hinges. He's also the age's most famous thief, but that's not enough for Eli; he vows to earn a bounty of one million gold, or die trying. When Eli talks his way out of jail and kidnaps the king of Mellinor, a country that has forbidden magic since its founding, there's nothing the nobles can do.
Enter Miranda Lyonet, a wizardess who arrives on Eli's heels. She offers to rescue the king and catch Eli in the process, if Mellinor will rethink its ban on wizards. But things get complicated when the kidnapped king's older brother Renaud, himself a wizard, takes advantage of the confusion to make his triumphant return. Miranda is suspicious. Would a banished prince really stick his neck out for the younger brother who took his throne?
She gets her answer when Renaud sabotages the king's rescue, cheating Eli out of his ransom and framing Miranda for the former king's death. To clear her name, Miranda must take on the traitorous prince, and for that she'll need help. Unfortunately, "help" means swallowing her pride and teaming up with the thief who started this whole mess--and the price of failure could be the universal destruction of Cocoa Puffs.
The Spirit Thief, complete at 75,000 words, is about what happens when magic, money, and a royal kidnapping gone wrong change the rules in the old game of cat and cat.
Thank you.
Notes
How come when a wizard kidnaps the king there's nothing the nobles can do, but when a wizardess is framed for killing the king, she can't get out of the country alive? Are wizards that much more powerful than wizardesses?
I recommend calling the kingdom Melanoma. It has a nice ring to it.
I liked the query, but it seemed too long for one page. The shorter version probably doesn't include the real price of failure, as I don't know it, but if it's something really terrible, you might want to work it in.
Cookbooks!
Cookbooks are big sellers, especially at holiday time. But even a cookbook needs a catchy title. Which of the following are real cookbooks, and which were composed by the Evil Minions? There are 11 real books on the list.
Faux Paws: Vegan Cooking for Your (Carnivorous) Pets
Heat: An Amateur's Adventures as Kitchen Slave, Line Cook, Pasta-Maker, and Apprentice to a Dante-Quoting Butcher in Tuscany
Stoned Soup: Favorite Recipes of the Martyrs
Kangaroo Cookin': 88 Simple Roo Recipes
Man and His Meatballs
Possum Gumbo, Crawfish Pie and Other Cajun Delights
Skinny Bitch in the Kitch: Kick-Ass Recipes for Hungry Girls Who Want to Stop Cooking Crap (and Start Looking Hot!)
Moon Unit Zappa’s Vegan Goodies
The Lost Ravioli Recipes of Hoboken
The Redneck Grill: The Most Fun You Can Have With Fire, Charcoal, and a Dead Animal
Mama Nazima's Jewish Iraqi Cuisine
The Sharper Your Knife, the Less You Cry
The Head's the Best Part! 101 Ways to Cook Brain
The Devil in the Kitchen: Sex, Pain, Madness and the Making of a Great Chef
Chewy, Gooey, Eyeball Stewy
Fishwife's Guide to Cooking for Ingrates
Cans en Croute - Make Cheap Ingredients Taste Special!
Offal Surprise - Tasty Dishes the Whole Family Will Love
Dinner's Brewing: 75 Great Recipes with Beer
Pig Ears: Not Just for Your Dog
Crock of Shitake--Japanese Crock Cooking
The Abs Diet: 6-Minute Meals for 6-Pack Abs
What’s For Dessert In The Desert? A Wartime Baker’s Compendium
Boy Meets Grill
Erin go Burp: Traditional Meals from Ireland's Emerald Shores.
Actual titles are listed below.
Fakes were submitted by McKoala, Bill Highsmith, Sarah, Midnight Muse, and EE
The actual cookbooks are:
Mama Nazima's Jewish Iraqi Cuisine
Kangaroo Cookin': 88 Simple Roo Recipes
The Sharper Your Knife, the Less You Cry
Heat: An Amateur's Adventures as Kitchen Slave, Line Cook, Pasta-Maker, and Apprentice to a Dante-Quoting Butcher in Tuscany
The Devil in the Kitchen: Sex, Pain, Madness and the Making of a Great Chef
Man and His Meatballs
Skinny Bitch in the Kitch: Kick-Ass Recipes for Hungry Girls Who Want to Stop Cooking Crap (and Start Looking Hot!)
The Abs Diet: 6-Minute Meals for 6-Pack Abs
The Lost Ravioli Recipes of Hoboken
The Redneck Grill: The Most Fun You Can Have With Fire, Charcoal, and a Dead Animal
Boy Meets Grill
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Face-Lift 467
Guess the Plot
Maureen Pope
1. A starry-eyed nun's chance encounter in the Vatican turns into much more when she gives birth nine months later to a baby girl.
2. In a world where the demons are all too real, the daughter of the Pope gains the power of Super Prayer.
3. As a child, there had been nothing she wanted more than to be Sheena, Queen of the Jungle, but at fifty, she had to face the bitter reality: she was just Maureen, Pope of Rome.
4. She was a cross-dresser, she was a nun. And now, thanks to the liberalized rules of the New Catholic Church, she's the Pope. And man, does she have some altar boys to get back at.
5. Born and orphaned in a taxi in Belfast in 1967, she was adopted and raised by the taxi's deaf driver. She joined the IRA at twelve. Now 26, she's one of the organization's most violent and vicious leaders. When she discovers she's become pregnant, she faces choices and soul-searching she never expected. She's . . . Maureen Pope.
6. She studied the classics when she was very young. Then when she was five her mother sent her to boarding school for ten years. Now she's back, and someone's gonna pay. For something. They call her . . . Maureen Pope.
Original Version
Dear Ms. Agentname,
Maureen is a privileged child from birth. Silent and observant, she spends her time reading and studying the classics with her father, Adam. [What do you mean, "silent"? Does she speak? Can she?] When Adam dies [How?] shortly before her sixth birthday, [She was five? I thought she was studying Oedepus Rex and The Aeneid. Now I find out by "classics" you meant The Cat in the Hat and Winnie-the-Pooh.] though, her quiet life suddenly changes. Her once-vibrant mother banishes her to a far-off school, where Maureen spends the majority of her childhood. Maureen returns home nearly ten years later to find her whole world changed, [How?] and soon discovers a sinister pattern of denial, not only of the dead, [Not only of the dead? The dead are in denial? Of what? If this is a zombie book, that's your biggest selling point. Trumpet it. Change the title to I Was a Zombie's Daughter.] but of the living, as well. [Who's denying what?] She must then struggle to lay her father's soul to rest and free his exiled memory.
Maureen Pope is a literary fiction piece. It is 64,000 words. I understand that you are particularly interested in literary fiction; I think that my novel is well-suited to your tastes and hope it fits your agency's needs. Thank you for considering my submission. I look forward to your response. [Too many blah sentences in this paragraph.]
Sincerely,
Notes
I don't understand "free his exiled memory."
Why isn't her father's soul at rest?
All we have here is that a girl's father dies, she goes away for ten years, and when she returns things have changed. Not enough to go on. I, as an unusually prescient editor, can deduce that Maureen's mother murdered Adam, and his spirit can't rest until Maureen kills her mother, marries her stepfather, and finishes reading the complete works of Euripides, but most agents and editors will want the specifics spelled out in the query. I've pointed out a few places where specifics can be easily added.
New Beginning 422
In a small apartment near the Hospital Salpetriere in Paris, the doctor is surprised by the soft sounding of his door knocker. It is a polite knock, not timid, but no louder than it needs to be to attract his attention. He has no scheduled patients, and he approaches the door with curiosity, wondering who is calling so long past the dinner hour on such a snowy night.
On the stoop waits a man alone. He wears a thin cape, leather gloves, no hat, seeming impervious to the cold. His eyes are black, rimmed round with lashes so thick it almost looks as if someone has drawn circles around them with Egyptian kohl. His hair hangs in a long, thick plait down his back, his boots are a dark, butter-soft leather, laced up to his knees. His German is flawless, his glance both hopeful and cautious.
Doctor Freud? My name is Dragula. I have been referred to you by a friend. He believes you may be able to help me.”
Freud bows his head. "You may rely on it," he replies, and steps aside. Dragula nods in thanks and enters.
"Perhaps you are my only hope," Dragula says as he removes his cape. "Your skills are the talk of the city."
Freud again gives a modest bow. "Without a doubt." He leads his visitor into the parlor.
"I am at my wit's end. I am racked by a . . . a craving for human blood. I fear . . . Am I insane, doctor?"
Freud thinks for a moment, staring toward the ground. "As I see it, yes."
"The Devil take me! Can you possibly help me?"
The doctor takes a deep breath and rubs his beard. He turns toward the fireplace. "Very doubtful."
"Then I am doomed. I shall serve my eternity in Hell. You can offer me no solace?"
Freud clears his throat. "Reply hazy, try again."
"What I must know is-- Uh, what does that mean? Hey, wait just a minute . . . What's that?" Dragula stands and approaches Freud. "Is that a--? You're getting your answers from a magic eight ball?"
Freud thrusts his hands into his jacket pockets. His eyes dart around the room, like those of a trapped animal. "I . . . Ah . . . " He turns around again. "Ah . . . Signs point to yes."
Opening: deb hoag.....Continuation: ril
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