A pale, emaciated figure stumbled down the stairs, clad in a loose black leather Speedo, fastened with the safety pin one of the more resourceful moles had abstracted from Mary-Fitz’s knitting bag; and carelessly wrapped in a crumpled cotton robe.
Could this be Roland of Gilead? The strapping, bold hero? The warrior invincible? The mighty wielder of weapons?
Roland was met at the foot of the stairs by Barnabas, who gave him a hearty slap on the back, exclaiming, “I hear YOU certainly showed a number of the ladies a good time."
Whimpering, Roland flew across the room; he fetched up against a table and slumped onto a bench, burying his head in his hands and moaning most piteously.
"One corpse reviver coming up!" bellowed Barnabas cheerfully.
He strode over to the table with a glass containing a moldy-looking greenish-gray mixture, which steamed greasily and smelled like wet mole. With a practiced motion, he tipped the hero's head back, pinched his nostrils closed, and poured the contents down his throat.
Jeffries put the scribbed pages aside and peered across the desk. "Sexually adventurous moles in speedos, eh? You know, I don't usually see this kind of thing, Mr. Arble. This is a fantasy, is it?"
Chris Arble cleared his throat and looked at his hands. "I'd, ah . . . I'd say it's more of a hobby, actually."
Opening: Tal.....Continuation: ril
Just then, Bonnie the bar wench walked by. As she did, she gave Barnabas a hearty slap on the rear.
"It's the chili powder," she said. "And you know it. Pretty soon whatever just happened to his face is going to happen to his ass."
They both laughed. Then Bonnie walked off to check the men's room. She was glad Barnabas gave out those corpse revivers once in a blue moon, and she was especially glad she didn't have to clean the bathroom.
Roland replied, "Yes indeed it does, and I happen to know it is the sprinkle of wild oats with hay that gets the troops to attention. I'm off to find a few more Roland's in the hay. What scenario to play next? No matter, I'll play it by ear when it comes to pass."
Barnabas shuddered and longed for the day when alchemists figured out how to bury the lousy puns that always rose with the corpse.
"Oh yeah," purred Mistress Eva as she saunterd down the staircase, whip in hand, "And you should see how it perks up the rest of him the night before."
Roland whimpered again and looked piteously to Barnabas. "How much did she pay you?"
"Well, the enemy troops, anyway; can't afford to lose the whole bloody army to a bout of wild orgasims. Damned Roland. Asleep already. Bloody hell."
Brian slapped the menu down on the table and turned back to his waiter. "Okay, son, I'm convinced. Give me one of them there Corpse Revivers, two shots of the Hare Restorer and a pint of your Pizzle Perker-Upper." He lowered his voice to a whisper. "Oh, and could you ask Roland for my trunks back?"
Roland wiped his mouth with a hairy paw and smiled at Barnabas; a smile that quickly faded. His Adam's apple bounced a couple of times, his stomach rumbled like a distant storm, his eyes watered. The warrior invincible sprayed the table with a sour smelling green slime then belched a sulfurous cloud.
"Well?" Barnabus raised his bushy eyebrows in expectation.
"Incredible!" Roland sprang to his feet. "I feel fine. Fit as a fox. What is that stuff?"
"I make it myself. Barnabus's Yak-a-mole." --anon.
If these characters are moles (I can't tell what Roland and Barnabus are at this point, only that they associate with some resourceful moles), I wouldn't say that the drink smelled like wet mole. A human wouldn't describe a drink as smelling like wet human.
I agree with E, if they are moles then it doesnt fit, and if they are humans, who knows what a wet mole smells like, cause I dont. Even if the characters know what a wet mole would smell like(knowing so many) that does not help the reader get a feel for the smell.
I'm in one of my "I hate the past and perfect tenses" moods today.
Roland was met at the foot of the stairs by Barnabas, who gave him a hearty slap on the back,
How about - Barnabas met Roland at the bottom of the stairs, gave him a backslap that whiplashed his head. "Did you have a good time?" Barnabas's voice fractured Roland's hangover into a thousand shards of pain.
I have similar feelings about the first paragraph. How about - A pale, emaciated figure clad only in black speedo and half-wrapped, pink cotton robe with daisies and bluebells decorating it, stumbled down the stairs. A silver safety pin kept the Speedo from falling off.
I mean, I know Mary-Fitz and she always carries that damn knitting bag. I think she keeps a sock filled with quarters in it, either that or poisoned knitting needles. And when she knits, well the kindest thing that can be said is that she makes nose-warmers for Pinnochio.
One last question, Tal, who is talking? Is this an omniscient POV?
Well, not last - why "bellowed Barnabas cheerfully" Why not "Bellowed Barnabas. Roland wanted to murder Barnabas, hated Barnabas, sneered at Barnabas, whimpered at Barnabas. or did something to acknowledge the reason for the bellow (my head hurts).
I wouldn't drink a "moldy-looking greenish-gray mixture" but I would drink a "glass containing what looked like hot, liquified mold laced topped with cooking grease and smelling of cheese."
How about having Barnabas bellow "Your usual corpse reviver" and then the "practiced motion" is reinforced.
See, this is what you get when I'm listening to Tim Russert interview Andrew Sullivan and Christopher Hitchens. Take me away to the moles, Tal, take me away to the moles. Embrace the mole people...
See, with the wet leather Speedo and all, I thought this was humans, and the unfortunate double mole reference was accidental. I thought (although I did have to stop and ponder the point, aka guess) that you meant the 'undercover operative' sort of mole, which actually piqued my interest. The wet mole reference should have read wet dog, I thought, except you seemed to be trying to be unique.
This was good in that it drew me into the story and made me want to know why our hero was in such bad shape, and where you were going with the tale.
There's still some tangled language and it needs tightening up, though.
Oh, I forgot to add that that continuation was worth waiting for. Brilliant, ril!
"Sure could." - loved that.
The semi-colon in the first sentence bothers me when used for a series "stumbled/clad/wrapped.".
So does "fastened with the ...bag." I think you mean the Speedo, not the figure. Perhaps an em dash for that clause?
If these are Wind in the Willows moles, I'd drop the Speedo in favor of "a leather loincloth" or something more descriptive. I'm pretty sure Speedo doesn't make tiny suits for varmints.
I'm confused as to the POV, but I'd give you a few more paragraphs to clear it up.
I think the Speedo clad guy is a human guy- that's the closed-circuit picture my brain fed me, anyway, and it was a pretty funny picture, so thanks for that!
Really liked the 'sure could'.
I'd read on - to find out what's going on with our long suffering skinny-minny hero, and the moles.
Love that continuation, ril.
I concur with others about the POV confusion - and the semicolon.
Otherwise - I'm growing to like these moles
This is more stuff from the Inn Between Realms. The description was much better before I cut it to meet EE's specifications.
Roland is human, more or less. Sort of superhuman. We kill him off every so often just for the hell of it, but someone always revives him. (In real life he's a paralegal in St. Louis.) Barnabas is the innkeeper. Roland is wrung out because he's just spent a week in bed with Dragonmama, a sexually insatiable anthroposaurian. That's why he's lost so much weight.
Your continuations are much funnier than the real one; but mine has much better food.
Since my alter ego the sorceress Talpianna keeps moles around; and since this is a tavern and things get spilled; I assume everyone knows what wet mole smells like. The fact that it's a mole, and the suggestion of "mold" in both its senses, should make the image work.
I have two other beginnings up awaiting continuations, both of which have had the best bits removed by EE. I shall post the original version of this, and the others when/if they are used, at the million minion YahooGroup if anyone's interested (and EE okays it.)
It's omniscient PoV here, by the way.
I'd love to post the passage in which Julia,MD describes the symptoms of Boglin's Bane, but she wrote it, not I.
I have two other beginnings up awaiting continuations, both of which have had the best bits removed by EE.
Most people want material they feel isn't working posted so they can get useful feedback. What would be the point of posting the best bits?
I followed Roland & the leather Speedo fine, but the struggle of the moles in the knitting basket took me right out of the image, and the moment.
EE wrote: What would be the point of posting the best bits?
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