Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Face-Lift 515


Guess the Plot

Brilliant Disguise

1. Perhaps walking into a police station dressed as an escaped convict with a replica AK-47 was a mistake, but Penistiple Wimplecrap will never know unless St. Peter explains the dozen or so holes in his body.

2. Richard Peters owes $200,000 and his soul to Hades, the Greek God of the Underworld. He signs on as the Solar Orange Juice mascot, knowing the orange sun costume will allow him to walk around without being recognized. What he doesn't count on is the unbearable heat that builds up inside a costume that radiates actual sunlight.

3. When a gypsy fortuneteller faints dead away at the sight of Stacy's cooing baby, the horrified mother is left to wonder if her adorable child is really human, or a were-demon in a . . . Brilliant Disguise.

4. Brainiac Stacy Bodinksy's plan to win the tight end's heart by playing dumb was working perfectly until her arch rival hacked into the school computer and exposed Stacy's 4.0 GPA. Stacy isn't going to let some bubbly cheerleader steal her man. She didn't memorize Machiavelli's The Prince for nothing.

5. A budding, can't-miss author gathers ideas for his next thriller while posing as a pasta-eating, penniless, arrogant, thesaurus-abusing short-fused bicycle-riding Colorodan with a saintly wife.

6. High school student Kate meets her kindred spirit, Clay, online, but alas, he lives across the country. Will a trip to Arizona get her out of her funk? More importantly, is Clay the person he claims to be, or is his screen name just a . . . Brilliant Disguise?


Original Version

Dear Agent,

Kate’s above-average existence as a Baltimore prep-schooler hits a wall a month before graduation: [Her existence hits a wall? I assume she still exists, so her existence drops below average?] her city, her school, and her friends are like a too-tight sweater, [It's a versatile simile that can be applied equally well to a city, a school and friends. As it happens, I don't feel this simile works that well with any of them. Possibly it's because my sweaters are all loose. A tight sweater is . . . itchy? Stretched out? Sexy? If I were sure what is meant by the wall metaphor I could extrapolate the meaning of the sweater simile. Possibly metaphors and similes should be left for the book.] and her anticipated September escape is complicated by an unexpected slew of woefully slim rejection letters. [Not clear why she would care whether her rejection letters are woefully slim or pleasingly plump. There's only so much you an put in a rejection letter. And I should know.] Daily life has become surreal, and it’s in a virtual reality, via the not-yet-ubiquitous internet of the late nineties, [So long ago they weren't even capitalizing it.] where she’s found a kindred spirit in Clay. Kate is aware of the problematic nature of becoming enamored with a stranger from Arizona, but she’s unaware that her pre-teen crush Mitch, an older, magnetic athlete, will soon be crushing on her. [You have to choose your sport carefully when you're a magnetic athlete. It's embarrassing when you dunk a basketball and get stuck to the rim. Or when you reach into your bag for your 5-iron and out come all of your clubs. And the shot put is not going to be your event.]

My 85,000-word literary fiction novel, BRILLIANT DISGUISE, charts Kate’s navigation of an unconventional love triangle, a reluctant cross-country move, [She couldn't wait to get out of town in the last paragraph. Now she doesn't want to go?] and the enduring challenge of gauging the genuine nature of people—from Mitch and Clay to her evangelical roommate and a Texas socialite living down the hall. While Kate’s coming-of-age story is earnest enough to be captivating to young adults, her savvy intelligence (though she doesn’t always do the right thing) and her perceptive wittiness (though she can’t always find the right words) infuse her story with a mature and nuanced perspective about seizing opportunities and forming connections in a complicated and disguise-filled world.

My own coming-of-age story began in Baltimore and led me to _________, where I studied creative writing with ____________. My senior English thesis on the role of creative writing and performance poetry in communities of high-school students won both the prize for best English thesis and the Award for excellence in female writing. [I assume they also had an award for excellence in male writing? Was this one of those schools that had an award for everything, so everyone could win an award? Like, Best essay on S.J. Perelman by a foreign exchange student with a bad cough?] Currently, I’m a high-school English teacher and an active freelance sportswriter; I have published a significant number of print and online articles covering hockey and lacrosse in the metro Chicago area.

I discovered your blog a few months ago, and I’ve greatly appreciated your candor and advice to those preparing to venture into the publishing arena. It’s my hope that you’ll consider looking at my full manuscript: BRILLIANT DISGUISE is complete and ready for submission upon request. Thank you for your time and thought—I look forward to hearing from you!

Best,

[Title explanation: "Brilliant Disguise" plays on the theme of disguise that runs through the story--Kate draws the interest of Mitch after she meets him at a costume party, her college roomie mistakes her for a devoted Christian, and she recognizes that a screen name can provide a pretty convincing disguise. Additionally, Clay is originally from Jersey and is a big Springsteen fan.]


Notes

Your credits aren't so impressive that I wouldn't rather know more about the story. I assume Kate gets a fat acceptance letter? Where does she move? Why reluctantly? Does Mitch move there as well? Does Clay? What opportunity does Kate seize?

I'm more interested in what happens than in whether Kate's story is infused with a mature and nuanced perspective about seizing opportunities and forming connections in a complicated and disguise-filled world. I recommend cutting back on the ornate language in the letter, if not the book (Those preparing to venture into the publishing arena = aspiring authors). Rewrite it as if you're talking to your students at lunch, rather than while preparing them for their vocabulary test.

For those who didn't get what Clay's musical taste has to do with the title:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4zvWalgFcw&feature=related

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

I gotta say, I lived through the nineties, and nothing in this query letter makes them sound worth revisiting.

Anonymous said...

I think it sounds like a cool story. If Evil doesn't like the tight-sweater simile I'd yank it, but it made sense to me (all those things are constricting her).

Is Mitch a pre-teen, or did he have a crush on her before they were teenagers? Might want to clean that up. Also, I wouldn't say 'crush' and 'crushed' in the same sentence.

Good stuff in my opinion

Anonymous said...

I'm betting that the online guy (Clay) and teen crusher (Mitch) are the same guy. If so, I like it.

fairyhedgehog said...

I thought that the title explanation showed how good the hook could be:you've got three interesting reasons why "brilliant disguise" is applicable. And they're expressed nice and simply.

Anonymous said...

As a former high school English teacher, I can only advise you to leave that bit out of your qualifications. I think it's the profession most synonymous with 'desperately trying to prove I can still write novels even though in spite of my BA from Yale and a summer researching at the British Library I am now teaching bored 17-year-olds what a thesis statement in.'

Sorry, getting a bit personal here.

I agree with EE: slice the personal background and bulk out why we should care about Kate and her tight sweaters.

And here's a question for EE or anyone else: say that the previous anon is correct and Clay = Mitch. Should this be revealed in the query letter? Not so much on the basis of 'don't want to spoil the end for the agent' but 'should the query lay out the entire plot.'

Dave Fragments said...

I think you should play off the title. It is a good title, by the way. I might be all wet with this take on your query. If I am, then the minions will rise up like and iceberg and sink me like the Titanic.

Kate’s life has become a Brilliant Disguise of happiness in the face of college application rejections, sociability in dating Mitch, the prep-school (boarding school?) Jock, and illusion with her seeming soul-mate Clay, an Internet romance from another state. While Kate’s coming-of-age story is earnest enough to be captivating to young adults, her savvy intelligence and her perceptive wittiness infuse her story with a mature and nuanced perspective about seizing opportunities and forming connections in HER complicated and disguise-filled world.

BRILLIANT DISGUISE, my 85,000-word literary fiction novel, charts Kate’s coming to terms with life and love in unconventional three-way romance, the last unsatisfying years of elite boarding school, and the enduring challenges of friendship and love. I am a freelance sportswriter with print and online articles covering hockey and lacrosse in the metro Chicago area. I teach high-school English to pay the bills. I am as yet an unpublished novelist.

I discovered your blog a few months ago, and I’ve greatly appreciated your candor and advice to those preparing to venture into the publishing arena. It’s my hope that you’ll consider looking at my full manuscript: BRILLIANT DISGUISE is complete and ready for submission upon request. Thank you for your time and thought—I look forward to hearing from you!


I say play off the title -- Brilliant Disguise -- because THAT, from what you say, is what the main character is doing. She's a character in her own life which she has turned into a masked ball or costume party. She hides her true self from other and )I guess) from herself.

I used mostly your words. What I wrote is too short and probably not altogether true. But you can pump it up a bit. If the novel is not written as literate as the query, then make it the same style. It the novel is written as intelligent and "elite" and refined as your query, then keep that tone and style.

(BTW - I hate to use that word right now because of politics, but I don't mean "elite" like the politicos mean it.)

Anonymous said...

If it's the case that they're the same guy, there should be a hookish teaser in the query letter --definitely. Because this could be kinda clever I think

Jamie Hall said...

You say: "My 85,000-word literary fiction novel, BRILLIANT DISGUISE, charts Kate’s navigation of..."

Please get rid of "fiction novel" because it is redundant and is Miss Snark's least favorite term.

Evil Editor said...

Please get rid of "fiction novel" because it is redundant and is Miss Snark's least favorite term.

Literary fiction is a term in and of itself. You wouldn't complain about science fiction novel, would you? Though it's unlikely one would query an agent about fiction that isn't a novel, there no crime in distinguishing between a literary fiction novel and a literary fiction novella.

Of course, if you state it's literary fiction of 85,000 words we can figure out it's a novel.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Maybe I'm too tired, or this isn't my genre, but I didn't get it. I think I might copy it out without the copious amounts of blue text and see if it makes more sense that way.

You put a lot into this one, EE.

Polenth said...

I want to hear more about the magnetic athlete. That's a cool superpower.

Whirlochre said...

Your plot seems fine but it's not immediately accessible from this query. It took a couple of reads for me to figure out what's going on.

In addition to comments made by other minions, I think the problem is that the synopsis element is spread out over the whole query (including a footnote (and some bracketed asides in your para 2 summary)) instead of being assembled in one place - the first para.

So - pare down para 1 and insert the stray pieces of synopsis. Your footnote belongs in the main body of the query. Ditto the detail about Brilliant Disguises, evangelical room mates and the bracketed asides.

This should leave you with a more matter-of-fact 'My 85,000 word novel' paragraph - possibly even a succinct couple of lines.

As for the final biog para, I'd stick with the 'Currently...' - especially if you are 30+.

A love triangle with a cyberspace element ought to be a goer.

Anonymous said...

Hi all--
Thank you so much for all your comments and input thus far; I feel well on my way to an improved draft after processing some of these ideas! I've been wrestling with, as EE put it, the "ornate language" -- I haven't been very sure how to market myself and try to compensate with overblown sentences and similies -- and haven't really been able to work though it until now.

I think a lot of the ideas about streamlining the plot info and including the title hooks are right on. Many of you (especially dave f!) have been able to articulate things I've been trying to say about my story since I started the query process... so thanks!

To address some of the questions:
- The Mitch/crush turn-of-phrase is awkward--he's older than Kate, and she had a crush on him when she was in 8th grade and he was in high school. When the book starts, she's in high school and he's in college.
- Sorry--Mitch and Clay aren't the same guy. Though that would be pretty cool. :)
- Mitch is a lacrosse goalie, so the magnetism is a pretty serious issue. :)

Again, thanks so much for your insights. I'm planning on posting a revised draft this afternoon, if you wouldn't mind taking another look.
--susannah/author

talpianna said...

Polenth said: I want to hear more about the magnetic athlete. That's a cool superpower.

I think you have to attend a magnet school in order to acquire it.

Anonymous said...

ok-- a few of these sentences still need to be ironed out, but here's version 2....

Dear Agent:

A month before graduation, Kate life as an above-average Baltimore preppie has become little more than a Brilliant Disguise of happiness, as she contends with college rejection letters, constricting social codes, and a world that’s become too small. Her truest moments come in a virtual reality, via the not-yet-ubiquitous Internet of the late nineties, where she’s found a kindred spirit in Clay. Yet despite their delightful evenings of simultaneously watching sports and listening to Springsteen, Kate fears that Clay too may be just a loser disguised by a screen name. Further complications arise at a costume party where she draws the interest of Mitch—a charismatic college lacrosse player who’s exactly the guy she used to want. Which guy is for real? And which of her own disguises are worth shedding?

BRILLIANT DISGUISE, my 85,000-word literary fiction novel, charts Kate’s navigation of an unconventional love triangle, the last unsatisfying weeks of elite preparatory school, the first discouraging months at a college she never dreamt of attending, and the enduring challenge of finding genuine friendship and love. While Kate’s coming-of-age story is earnest enough to be captivating to young adults, her savvy intelligence and insightful wittiness give her story a nuanced perspective about seizing opportunities and forming connections in her disguise-filled world.

In addition to teaching high-school English, I am a freelance sportswriter with print and online articles covering hockey and lacrosse in the metro Chicago area.

I discovered your blog a few months ago, and I’ve greatly appreciated your candor and advice to aspiring authors. I hope you’ll consider looking at my full manuscript: BRILLIANT DISGUISE is complete and ready for submission upon request. Thank you for your time and thought—I look forward to hearing from you!

Best,

Dave Fragments said...

That has a clarity the first version didn't. It reads OK to my eyes.

Evil Editor said...

This version is much better. You don't want a typo in your first sentence.

This sentence:

While Kate’s coming-of-age story is earnest enough to be captivating to young adults, her savvy intelligence and insightful wittiness give her story a nuanced perspective about seizing opportunities and forming connections in her disguise-filled world.

'''seems to say that young adults appreciate earnestness, but wouldn't appreciate a nuanced perspective etc etc. There's an implied "but" in there, when there don't seem to be two sides to the issue.

Your dilemma is this: Having called it literary fiction, do you state that even young adults will like it? Or, having created a main character who's a teen, do you state that even adults will like it?

It seems to me that with Kate's age, maybe you'd want to call the book a YA coming of age story rather than literary fiction. YA sells better anyway, doesn't it?

Anonymous said...

Yeah, that sentence is really weird-- what I wanted to express was that I'd thought about the target audience for the book. Or perhaps that I'm trying to play both sides of the YA/literary fiction fence. :p Is there anything wrong with querying both YA and literary fiction agents (without that sentence) and just seeing who bites? If I axe that sentence entirely, am I really missing anything that SHOULD be in a query?

Anonymous said...

"Yet despite their delightful evenings of simultaneously watching sports and listening to Springsteen, "

IMO, the sentence flows way better without "simultaneously". It's stiff with it but hip/flip without it.

And it's obviously simultaneous.

I still like the story I'm two of the early anons)

Anonymous said...

p.s. I really like you're new version!!

Evil Editor said...

I don't think you lose anything without the sentence, especially if you refer to the book as YA at some point.

I'm not crazy about "which of her disguises are worth shedding." I would think the lesson she learns is that disguises should be shed; thus "worth" seems odd. Perhaps the phrase should be something along the lines of "whether she can face life without her own disguises."

Anonymous said...

In my opinion, the second version is infinitely better than the original -- much clearer and also more professional-sounding. Nice job!