The healing warmth of woman kept the morning chill away. Sleepily Kincaid pulled the tattered blanket over them. How he had missed her. Maria. Vital, lovely, inviting, and soothing, with hair the color of a raven’s wing. She would ease his throbbing head and sour stomach. He inched closer to press against her warm back. Cuchara, the Mexicans called it. Spooning. Pale light seeped through the window pushing back the gloom. He whispered her name like a poem. “Maria. Maria.” Slowly sleep and stupor left his foggy mind. He reached around her to cup her breast and pressed his face into the nape of her neck, inhaling deeply. A sour smell came to him, and his hand filled with a ponderous breast. He raised up and forced his eyes open. Who was this? This fleshy, old woman. Old enough to be his mother. He felt his stomach begin to churn.
“Maria . . .
I’ve just fucked a girl named Maria . . .
At least that's what I thought,
But now I see she's not . . .
"Maria . . .
I didn’t fuck a girl named Maria.
It cain't be, oh my God.
I've fucked some fat old broad.
Fiddle faddle, Kincaid thought. He wanted his night, his cuchara, and his semen back.
Opening: Wes.....Continuation: Robin/EE
Oh that is so funny!
I did like the original opening; I felt it could go anywhere. Well, almost anywhere - I would never in a thousand years have come up with "I've just fucked a girl named Maria".
I was humming the song before I hit the continuation, but the new lyrics are hilarious. This was a serious laugh out loud one for me.
I liked the opening as well. The twist was great and makes me want to know what's going to happen next. Well done.
Oh dear god in heaven! Robin and EE are an unstoppable combination!
Oh please. When will people realize that the f-word is a petty, overused, and just not funny anymore. Grow up.
I was humming it, too. Then Robin supplied those helpful lyrics.
Good one, both of you!
(Though you might want to avoid having 'Maria' in repetition too close together)
The continuation is great. I, too, was singing Maria before I got to that point. There's some old joke about "what are the chances of going to a Puerto Rican neighborhood in NY and yelling the name Maria and only one woman pokes her head out." As for the original opening, I hope that the sour smell will be alcohol or something else, as opposed to old people smelling funny.
He slid his legs over the edge of the bed and staggered to the bathroom. As he emptied his stomach he noticed the cracked and grimy state of the toilet bowl. When he had finished, he looked up and peeling paint caught his eye. He held onto the walls as he stumbled back into the bedroom. Where was this place? He picked up a newspaper and tried to make sense of it. This Spanish was not like any he knew but he could make out the date. He could make it out but he didn't believe it. Surely he hadn't slept for thirty years?
You HAD to bring fiddle faddle into it, didn't you!!!!!
A marvelous continuation. You two are a dangerous combination.
I'm off to Santa Fe for "research". Be back on line Monday.
Anon. is right. Fiddle-faddle IS petty, overused, and not funny.
First I must say that I was a hummin' too but I was also noticing that there were a lot of descriptor-type words but you did manage to impart quite a bit of info and build for the twist (from the poem-like Maria to some sour sow) so I think it works, but I am still chuckling over the continuation so I may not be thinking clearly. OMG!! Too funny Robin/EE/Blue words -- oweee!!
*ROTF* I have to admit the repetition of Maria put the melody into my head - then to have EE go into full-blown song had me laughing aloud.
"Anon. is right. Fiddle-faddle IS petty, overused, and not funny."
Okay, even I can admit that's funny.
My annoyance was because the f-word seems to be a crutch for the writer who can't be creative. Need a joke for any topic? Stick in the f-word and everyone will snicker like naughty children! I think a good writer can come up with something better.
You're right. But the F-word isn't overused on this blog. It's seldom used.
And the continuation did need a one-syllable word to work with the rhythm of the original song. "Made love to" and "had sex with" don't work. Porked, banged, humped, screwed, boned and boinked all work, but they all sound petty and overused. The key is that the humor is in the song parody, not the f-word. The word is just a necessary evil to make the parody work.
OMG, EE. I never comment here, but always read. Your answer to Anon had me howling. A poet's quandry, so many choices yet so few perfect words for F-ing.
Hey EE- You took my little idea and made it a big one. Very cool, Sparky!
I couldn't get on here earlier today, and it just about killed me.
Glad you kept the fiddle faddle and the wanting his semen back.
Remember I wrote an opening that said of the night before: "Damn! Was I drunk last night, I can't remember a thing I did!" insert expletives to taste.
Alcohol induced beauty at 1 or 2 am is desperation time. I can't go home alone, the ego says. YOu must sink me into something warm and I don't care if the face needs a paper bag, says the penis. Any port in a storm! the balls declare.
Count me in as a pre-continuation hummer, too.
Wes, the twist is great. Assuming this is a chapter opening, I hope you don't give your hand away in the chapter prior that Kincaid isn't with his sweet Maria. If you do, then it really, really won't have the same impact.
Just a couple of nits (and when I'm down to nits, it means I really liked it!):
Vital, lovely, inviting, and soothing - Lists of three generally play better to the ear.
She would ease - The "would" here threw me. Maybe "She could always ease"?
Slowly sleep and stupor left his foggy mind. - A little too repetitive and over-descriptive since "sleepily" was used earlier. Maybe something like: He woke slowly to her presence, reaching around to cup her breast, pressing his face..."
Santa Fe, eh? Research, huh? Right.
Stick in the f-word and everyone will snicker like naughty children!
Actually, it's the good children who snicker. The naughty ones just say, "Fuck you."
Thank god I'm not drinking coffee or some other beverage right now. Love the continuation!
I don't think there's a thing wrong with this opening. I like it, although I felt a little grossed out at the end. And anyway, for some reason bedroom scenes make me uncomfortable. I guess that's what growing up in the bible belt did to me.
Liked the start, but not the repetition of 'Maria'. Great continuation!
None of your individual adjectives is out of place, but, taken en masse, it's a bit Magnificent Eleven - ie, perhaps a few too many.
I'm not sure about 'his hand filled with a ponderous breast.' I know what you mean, but my first image was of a breast bursting out of his hand like some kind of cactus. Why 'ponderous'? Perhaps it's me.
Otherwise - liked the spooning.
As for Maria - it's one notch down from Adolf in the list of evocative names...
Not just you, Whirl.
I feel like Simon Cowell disagreeing with everyone else, but I didn't care for the opening or the continuation. Waking up with the wrong woman sets up an expectation of humor, but the language is a bit pretentious and literary, which opposes the humorous aspect.
Maybe avoid such hyperbole as "healing warmt of woman" and other phrases. What is this woman, the magical cauldron of Endor? It reads like sex with her heals and it was confusing. I was thinking as I read, Is this fantasy? Serious? And that would have made me put the book down before I'd finished reading this opening.
This is a chapter opening? Or is it the opening for one of the later books in the series?
May I suggest "pendulous" to replace ponderous. It's a more appropriate word for the shape of an old breast. But beware, a guy can get whiplash...
Neither pendulous nor ponderous are descriptions of shape. And you're returning to being deeply offensive, Dave.
writtenwyrd, I'll see your Simon Cowell and raise you one.
This opening called to mind several associations:
a) West Side Story, natch. I'm waiting for Officer Krupke to show up and tell Kincaid he's got a social disease.
b) For Whom the Bell Tolls. Robert Jordan sleeps outside wrapped in a blanket with a woman named...you guessed it, Maria
c) Ponderous breasts evokes Steve Carell describing his (non-existent) girlfriend's breasts as feeling like bags of wet sand. And, not to get too precise, but having performed numerous clinical breast exams on older women, the feeling is not what I'd call ponderous. (I fail to see how Dave's description of pendulous can be seen as offensive.)
d) Jack Nicholson kissing the woman from the tub in The Shining. I'm not 100% on this, but I think she's listed in the credits as "Maria with the peeling skin."
I didn't pick the original word ponderous. Although, I agree that it isn't the right word (whatever that is).
I heard the word "pendulous" used by a doctor to describe my Aunt's breasts when she was in the hospital.
Had I not heard it in those terms, I wouldn't have used it.
It's true. Old boobs simply are pendulous.
Can't get around that without surgery. Or maybe from being amazingly flat-chested, which, from what I've seen in gym locker rooms, works out really well with the aging thing. There's definitely no pendulosity and/or swinging around or looking like the old lady in the Playboy cartoons.
Aging and gravity. Gotta love em as the ultimate combo plan from hell.
And there are exceptions.
I don't see this woman as that old or even aged and ugly like the pictures in the cartoons of Playboy. I know a woman large enough to let a week old baby lay on her breasts like a shelf. Babies love that, by the way. It's a warm soft cuddly heartbeat. The way her and her husband talk, they don't need any help in the lovin' department.
Kincaid wakes up assuming he's got a young, thin, lithe, and model like woman in his arms. If I'm guessing correctly, he's the victim of some magic and he really romanced a full-figured older woman. And I suspect, he enjoyed himself.
Guys- I'm a boomer. I'm not saying anything against older women. I am one. I'm just saying - for a 17 or 18 year old guy in the 1820s to wake up with a slightly or more than slightly heavy middle-aged woman, when he was expecting the 1821 version of The Borderlands Next Top (And Way Under-Twenty) Model - well, it would, most probably, be a shocker, and not a good one.
My husband thinks I'm gorgeous. My daughter's 16 year old boyfriend simply thinks I make really good tacos, and he's happy I can be easily hit up by my daughter for weekend spending money. Big difference. A simple reality. No biggie. I'm good with it.
Breasts come in many shapes and sizes. Pendulous is one word to describe weighty breasts stretched by gravity. I can't help thinking that there are better words out there though. Especially since they're lying down and pendulous doesn't work for me in this particular situation. Ponderous definitely doesn't do it either.
Ample is often used to refer to a large bosom, but that tends to be about both breasts.
Some large breasts are flabby and have almost nothing behind them. So it's a lot of skin and not much substance. Some have a lot of substance, weight, heft and are much firmer.
I'm with Written on this one.
Not really titivating.
There's a country song entitled "At Two I Went To Bed With A Ten, But At Ten I Woke Up With A Two". (The song is gender-neutral.) Like Merle Haggard once said, "Country music is four cords and the truth".
Santa Fe was wonderful. Warm, colorful, and dripping with atmosphere.
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