Tuesday, December 01, 2009

New Beginning 708

The reflection in the mirror was reassuring. I sat at the edge of the bed and tapped my left foot. I was calm and I anticipated the unavoidable encounter with my husband. I took in a deep breath and brushed away the nappy curl that caressed my right eyelid and noticed that there were no tears.

I heard the rumble of keys at the front door. I had a direct view from my room and I saw the knob turn. I jumped up. “You better be sure this is what you want, because I’m not coming back this time. I’ve had it!” My husband spoke these words as he stormed toward me with his arms stretched out in an attempt to grab me.

Left foot weary, I shifted my weight, now tapping my right foot in long-awaited anticipation of his arrival at my bedside. "I'm sure that I'm sure this time." My voice conveyed a confidence I did not carry. "I want the bed against the wall by the window; and move the chair into the corner."

Opening: Flory.....Continuation: Wendy


Evil Editor said...

Unchosen continuations:

My tapping foot found a place between his legs and I watched the pain shock across his face. "Mashed potatoes!" I cried.

His legs buckled and he dropped to his knees. "Don't--" he pleaded, but I did.

I stood and my knee found his nose, and he fell backwards onto the floor and I was on top of him, and I took him with all my strength and all my passion, and when he was spent, panting and bleeding on the carpet, I leant forward and whispered in his ear, "yes, my husband, I'm sure that was what I wanted," and he moaned.

"Okay," he said. "But tomorrow it's my turn; you'll be a schoolgirl and I'll be the teacher..."


"I'm tired of rubbing my toast all over your breasts," my husband grabbed the tub of I Can't Believe its Not Butter from my hands. "This is the last time you take a bath in butter."

I noticed the unavoidable encounter with my husband wasn't what I expected.


“That would be the nicest thing you’d ever done for me, you bastard!” I pulled my hair back as I spoke and tied up the curls in a ponytail holder as if I were getting ready for a fight.

“What is it this time? Why is all my stuff outside in garbage bags?”

“Please, don’t insult me. Your lies are not going to get you outta this one.” I pushed past him and walked into the living room. He followed behind.

“What the hell are you talking about?” He stood face to face with me. I stared at his full lips and the goatee, which I always found attractive on him.

“Shut up! I have proof this time. I know about the girl from the Bronx.”

“Who told you? What! They’re lying. I swear to God I will break their face. Who was it?”

“Nobody told me. I just know and I want you out now! It’s over.”


Evil Editor said...

Maybe that should be, "...I'm not coming back after this time." It appears he has come back this time.

Eric said...

Why is she reassured to see a reflection? Has she been worried she might be a vampire?

"Nappy": I do not think that word means what you think it means. Or "caressed," for that matter.

You're trying to cram too much into your sentences, which gives this a quality of stiffness it doesn't benefit from. They should be crisper, clearer, shorter. Observe the difference a few simple cuts can make:

Keys jingled at the front door. I jumped up as I saw the knob turn. "You better be sure this is what you want," said my husband, "because I'm not coming back again. I've had it!" He stormed toward me with his arms stretched out to grab me.

Anonymous said...

Why nappy is offensive:


Dave Fragments said...

You need a little variety. Too many of your sentences begin like this:

I sat
I was calm
I anticipated
I took
I heard
I had... and
I saw
I jumped

Those are your words and not my examples.

_*rachel*_ said...

I got confused about who was leaving whom and who had left before. And why is she waiting for her husband? If he's trying to stop her, she should head out while he's gone.

Funny, I always though nappies were diapers....

Flory said...

Thank you all for the comments and the advice. I liked all of the continuations.

BTW: I love my nappy curls!

batgirl said...

It's an intriguing setup, but as Dave points out, there's too much of the narrator. Once you've established that this is first-person, you can drop many of the I's. Instead of 'I heard keys rumble', just 'Keys rumbled' (do they really, by the way?). We can guess that the narrator is the one hearing them.