Friday, December 15, 2006

Face-Lift 245

Guess the Plot

Worse than Death

1. When EE's queue runs dry, a minion submits her query just to keep things running. Little did she know she was about to face a fate... Worse Than Death!

2. When brutal eunuchs and rogue sorcerers threaten to destroy Boring-on-End, only Miss Amelia Pettipants can save the day. But Miss Pettipants already has her hands full with the zombies.

3. Teenage techno-polkafunk band Steeped In Molasses is known throughout the region as the only band worse than their headbanging classmates, Death. The band nearly breaks up when Roxy wants to improve but Dale thinks they should try the William Hung route to stardom. Can their friendship survive the tension and the vampire drummer?

4. Badboy "Killer" Jones, age 15, cusses, acts like a twerp, makes flatulance jokes, and then breaks a crucifix. Next day he's only age 13, and soon he realizes he's doomed to relive early adolescence for eternity. Can he escape this curse?

5. An editor's assistant is given a choice: die by lethal injection, or head up the team that is shepherding the first Amelia Pettipants novel through the editing process. What will he choose? Also, a homeless man hijacks a bus.

6. A sour-tongued minion wearing a tan coat, some type of eyewear, a hood, a strange cap and a disturbingly pleasant smile is dragged from her home by Canadian mounties during a blizzard. Her crime? a stream of ascerbic, hostile blog replies. For the next 15-20 years she is forced to edit the complete set of Amelia Pettipants posts and comments -- a fate "Worse Than Death."

Original Version

JULIE PETTIPANTS’ life was the American Dream. Perfect house. Perfect husband. Perfect great aunt AMELIA. Then came the day she woke up with her husband missing and a dark red stain halfway down his side of the sheets. She finds him alive and happy in the kitchen, but her worst fears are confirmed when a kick to the groin elicits only a grin and a hug. And he’s not the only one. The entire town’s been emasculated. Also, none of them have pulses.

But these zombies have no cannibalistic tendencies. Just the opposite. Wearing crescent-moon grins that never seem to set, her husband carries out her every command. Things seem BETTER than perfect. At least, before the cabal of rogue sorcerers fly into town.

Now the eunuchs have turned brutal. JULIE turns to the only person who she can trust. But persnickety spinster AMELIA has her own hands full, with Boring-On-End’s stadium sized morgue nearing capacity as hundred of bodies with the domes of their heads cut off and their brains missing start turning up everywhere.

Is JULIE plucky enough to help solve her nosy great aunt’s case? Will the murders in Boring-on-End stop long enough for AMELIA to help her grand niece? Can a wife go head to head with rogue sorcerers, find enough stem cells to reverse the damage, and save her husband from a fate….Worse than Death? Will she save the cheerleader (AND SAVE THE WORLD? PS. Let’s use this as the tagline on the book flap, since it is clearly an incredibly witty line.)

Currently at 250,000 words, Worse than Death is a paranormal horror urban fantasy romance mystery. As I use the words “he” and “she” several times in the book, I believe it will appeal to the segments of the market who are men or women. It will also include many instances of the word “it” which I am certain will allow the book to reach into the currently untapped eunuch and undead markets, where it should reach sales levels comparable to the Bible and Mao’s Little Red Book combined. Would you be interested in reading my first draft whenever I find the time to finish it?


PS. Please try to get James Cameroon to direct the movie. I do not like Oprah, but if you are unable to get a simple ten page ad into Vanity Fair, I suppose I could go on her show for an additional 20% in royalties.


A Miss Pettipants novel was long overdue. I would suggest you refer to the woman as "doughty" at some point in the query. Other than that, perfect. Be sure to submit the first 150 words as soon as you've written them.


Anonymous said...

". . . sour-tongued minion wearing a tan coat, some type of eyewear, a hood, a strange cap and a disturbingly pleasant smile . . ."


I'll get The Dog to post your bond.


HawkOwl said...

LOL Somehow I'm not surprised that the vindictive one isn't enough of a writer to string together the phrases "baseball cap" and "Carhartt brown."

The query itself - meh. I don't think being contrived is ever compatible with good writing.

Anonymous said...

Ladies, this querier brings up an important point: always kick your husband in the crotch - just to make sure.

- Proud member of the Partnership Against Crotch Zombies (PACZ).

Anonymous said...

Hawkowl happens to be my favorite poster. I read something on the Hawkowl blog that I keep thinking about. It said something to the effect of "unpublished writers are quick to tell you they think the POV is inconsistent or some other 'rule' has been violated, but readers will actually be able to tell you if what you've written something good." Believe me, it sounds much better there than it did here!

...dave conifer

Dave Fragments said...

That's a good query letter. It's not literature, it's marketing. You have to take away or discount all the satire silliness to realize that it's formulaic.

Writing marketing copy sucks (big time) but that's what a query letter is. What is "worse than death"? Writing marketing copy for a living.

Anonymous said...

Very clever query! A story that's all over the place, buzz words dripping down the sides, overconfident writer, and the book isn't written yet. I would imagine that for editors and agents, getting involved with this would be a fate worse than death.

p.s. I know it's not a 'real' query.

HawkOwl said...

Dave Conifer: why, thank you. :)

ACD: self-referencing in in this season. Everyone is doing it.

Anonymous said...

JTC, are you implying that Hawkowl was the character in that GuessThePlot?

Bernita said...

Not just you, Hawkowl.
Have the uneasy feeling I've been warned I'm about to get screwed.

PJD said...

"Currently at 250,000 words, Worse than Death is a paranormal horror urban fantasy romance mystery."

Clearly, you need also to indicate that this is a "fiction novel."

verification word: mcoht
Answer to the question, "What did you forget?" As in I fgoht mcoht.

HawkOwl said...

Bernita - It's like the Scarlet Pimpernel, except without the wit, the results, and the excitement. LOL

Anonymous said...

I stumbled on this one. This is hilarious! You can be damn sure I'd love to write a Pettipants mystery, except without the zombies.

Anonymous said...

All right, but shouldn't these "rogue sorcerers" be "ruthless vigilante sorcerers?"