Face-Lift 1044

Guess the Plot

Fangs for All the Kitsch

1. It's been 875 years, and Ian MacNeil is ready to retire from an active life of blood-sucking to Hawaii, where an endless supply of young bodies awaits and he can admire his massive collection of velvet Elvis paintings in peace. All he has to do now is survive the roast his fellow vampires want to give. It's just a few hours of jokes...isn't it?

2. When Bubbe, the senior center queen, became a late night snack for the undead it put an end to her days of the senior special. But not sleeping all night made her the number one buyer of the QVC. How much kitsch can one vampire have?

3. Gus fakes his death and attends his funeral in disguise. There he learns that Bidgette had a crush on him. To win her he must return from the dead so he fakes being a vampire. But now he finds himself dealing with actual vampire hunters with their cheap crosses and stakes. Plus, Bridgette wants him to turn her so they can spend eternity together.

4. Tiki Bob's place is stocking more and more plastic werewolves. Cat doesn't want to get involved, but when rookie detective Albert Mooney begs for her help - and a date - she bites.


5. Two vampires buy a gift shop at Myrtle Beach. It's the perfect spot to hunt victims, but Vlad loves being surrounded by plastic mermaids and coffee mugs, while Ramon wants to convert the place into a fine dining establishment. Talk about your odd couple.



Original Version

[No one wants their real query posted on a holiday, so here's a fake, written by Heather as part of a writing exercise.]

Amateur special effects artist Gus Parker is outed as a Twihard during the biggest pep rally of the year, and he goes from social pariah to almost drowning by swirly. To escape the torture, he fakes his own death in an after-hours chem lab explosion. His demise makes front-page news, and the turnout for his funeral is fantastic. When he sneaks in to witness the eulogies from his classmates, he hears the one thing that could have saved him: tearful homecoming queen Bridgette Johnson was crushing hard. If he wants Bridgette—and he definitely wants Bridgette—his only choice is to come back from the dead.

Bridgette is predictably enthralled with the mysterious, brooding Gustav, but faoing vampirism is exhausting. When he's not airbrushing himself alabaster and rolling in body glitter, Gus strategically hides painted-foam boulders around town, learns to drink pig's blood, and uses every special effects trick in the book to save Bridgette from imagined dangers. Hauntings, attacks by rival vampires, and even retribution from a vampire hunter for loving one of the damned are all thwarted without a hitch... at least until Bridgette starts blogging about her unnatural love and Gus realizes a crucifix-wielding transfer student is stalking him.

Gus can avoid a stake to the heart if he just comes clean, but admitting the truth means getting arrested for fraud and destruction of property, earning the hatred of the entire school (just when they'd dedicated the yearbook to him), and losing Bridgette forever. But Gus figures real-life vampire hunters can only mean one thing: real life vampires. Gus uses all his Hollywood know-how to convince the hunter he's too badass to take on solo, and then backtracks his slaying spree to what might just be a hotspot for the actual undead. Now, he must trick a vampire into siring him before the lights come on and the reel winds down, but it won’t be easy. The other vampires doubt his reputation, the hunter is hot on his heels with reinforcements... and Bridgette wants to spend eternity together.

FANGS FOR ALL THE KITSCH, imagined at 75,000 words, is a paranormal romance and my debut into the world of fake YA novels. The first five pages are included, and the entire manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.


Notes

It's brilliant. Write it or give the Minions permission to steal it.

Face-Lift 1042

Guess the Plot

Tears of an Angel

This book doesn't exist; the query comes from a writing exercise in which the task was to write a query based on one of the fake plots on this blog. Which should make choosing the correct plot more difficult than usual. [The top 3 titles in the query queue are for actual books, and await a few more fake plots.]

1. Felicity Miller is the closest thing to an angel on Earth, When she steps on a shell at the beach, her pain leads to tears which release the demon Canziel from his conch shell prison. Cranziel immediately sets out to make all of mankind suffer by cutting off their delicious supply of shellfish.

2. When her tears When a bad fall at the Regional Ice Skating Championships leaves 16-year-old Missy Watanabe in a wheelchair, it seems her dreams of Olympic glory are dashed forever...until she hears of a miracle cure from a weeping statue of Mary. Can she convince her family to make the trip to the highlands of Bolivia for a cure--and will a miracle really happen?

3. Da’miqua’s mother died when she was only 3. She was raised by her paternal grandmother while her father worked on an oil rig thousands of miles away to provide for his family. Now in her early 20’s the dad she barely knew moves in with her after a life-changing injury.

4. The new ladies-only pub in Tottenham is a roaring success, until beagle trainer Martha Pates is found buried in the garden. Worse, Inspector Ada Menzies suspects her own mother.

5. When someone steals the statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary from Our Lady of Guadeloupe mission, crack detective Zach Martinez knows two things: the upcoming Tears of an Angel festival is in serious jeopardy, and he still owes some Hail Mary’s from his last confession.

6. As priests, nuns, and even the Pope's own guard rush to locate him, angel Michael must place his trust in neophyte nun Sister Mary Celeste, to return to Heaven and keep the most powerful relic of all – the tears of an angel – from falling into the wrong hands.


Original Version

The Millers have it all – wealth, a beautiful house, and the sweetest, most talented daughter anyone could ask for. That all changes the day their little angel, Felicity, trips over a seashell on vacation in the Florida Keys. For little do they know, but that seashell was planted on that particular beach just waiting for that particular angel to fall. And when Felicity’s tears of pain and grief land on the shell, the demon Cranziel is unleashed on the Earth.

Cranziel has been waiting centuries for this opportunity, ever since Saint Michael caught him attempting to break all the shells of all the shellfish in the world. For punishment, Cranziel was sentenced to spend the rest of eternity in a conch shell. The curse could only be broken if an angel sheds a tear for him, and the closest thing to an angel south of Heaven itself is Felicity Miller. Cranziel has been planting himself in her path ever since he felt her step foot on his beach, and his luck has finally paid off. The girl falls, scrapes her knee in the sand, and cries all over his pink prison. [She cried on the shell at the end of the previous paragraph; no need to repeat it.]

Now he’s free, angry, and determined to make all of mankind suffer by cutting off the delicious and lucrative supply of shellfish, starting with the fishing grounds in the Gulf of Mexico.

Unfortunately for him, the Miller family’s fortune is derived from shrimp fishing in southern Louisiana, and Felicity is very fond of the ponies and hair ribbons her parent’s [parents'] business affords her. Not to mention the shoes. She’s not about to let it all go without a fight. She’s seen every episode of “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer” at least three times, and she’s ready to take on evil wherever it lurks. If that means taking out some scumbag of a shell-breaking demon, she’s up for the fight. Armed with a sledgehammer and steel-toed boots, she’s in the mood to crack some shells of her own.

Tears of an Angel is a 666,000 word memoir, told through diary entries, culled from my own experiences of demon hunting in the America South.

I look forward to hearing from you. If not, well . . . I know how to deal with demons wherever I find them.

Notes

Obviously the author doesn't need comments about the plot. It's possible the author would like constructive comments on the query. Or not. Depends on if this was done for practice or just for laughs.

Face-Lift 981

Guess the Plot

No

1. Two dogs attempt to speak in English, but their vocabulary is so small . . . hilarity ensues.

2. Convicted of treason in the Andromeda galaxy, Lachette is given the ultimate sentence: banishment to Earth! Her response upon learning this: "NOOOOOooooooooo!"

3. Look, let's just cut to the chase and say that this is my answer to your query.

4. An author attempts reverse psychology to sell a novel about the childhood of an evil genius as an autobiography. It's a meta thing.

5. Whether it followed your sales pitch, marriage proposal or drunken pick-up line, if anyone's ever asked you, "What part of 'no' don't you understand?" then this is the book for you. Over 300 pages of clear explanations and real-life examples, plus chapters on etymology, pronunciation and spelling. Soon you'll be able to say, "Baby, I'm an expert."

6. A complete guide to successful parenting, from toddler to teen.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When Lachette, one of a species of humanoid aliens composed entirely of fire called Fianites, [And you thought you were burned out?] [Is it the fire that's called Fianites?] is banished from her home planet in the Andromeda Galaxy [If she was on her home planet, why is she referred to as an alien?] for high treason, she is sent to Earth. Her crime: revealing the planet's most highly guarded secrets to the enemy in the midst of war. [In the midst of war, a space ship would have better uses than transporting a criminal to another galaxy.] [I've never thought of planets as having highly guarded secrets, though admittedly, our scientists are always trying to figure out what causes the strange noises coming from Uranus. What are Earth's most highly guarded secrets, and from whom are we guarding them?] [Apparently we haven't even been able to keep the fact that Earth is the perfect place to send your worst criminals secret from planets in the Andromeda galaxy.] After befriending a few humans--two girls named Rex and Kaz, [Would a human name a girl Rex?] and two boys named Justin and Andre--she dodges the United States Armed Forces as she keeps in contact with her best friend and princess of the planet of Fianate, Zatini. [Wouldn't Zatini die of old age in the time it takes Lachette's message to get to Fianate?] [Also, isn't Zatini a pasta?] All together, they gather evidence, examine it, and send it back to the Elder Council of Fianate to prove Lachette's innocence [There's evidence of Lachette's innocence on Earth?] and uncover the one who framed her, all this within a deadline. [Twenty-seven light years.] [Yes, I'm aware light years are a measure of distance, not time, but would you have thought it was as funny if I'd said Twenty-seven exaseconds?] [(One exasecond = 32 billion years.)] She has one month to leave American territory or the President will give clearance to hunt her down and capture her as United States property. [Why has she been dodging the US military if they haven't yet been given clearance to capture her?] [Also, the US is already crawling with millions of illegal aliens. We hardly ever manage to capture any.]

No is the completed second book in the unfinished Uncertainties Series at 52,016 words. [There's nothing Uncertain about No. Change the title to Maybe, Maybe Not.]

Thank you for your time.


Notes

I wasn't sure if this was a real novel until I realized that "RexKazJustinAndreLachette" could be anagrammed to form "EE in drunk sex tryst in Uzbekistan."

Face-Lift 941

Guess the Plot

Transformation in Arvakeria

1. When Casey first heard of Arvakeria, she thought it was the new home for Aardvarks in the local zoo. Soon, she finds herself proven wrong and must hunt a lost princess in a hidden kingdom, accompanied by a stable boy who keeps transforming into household appliances just to get her attention.

2. The history of the Transformation and its impact on Arvakeria.

3. Ho hum. Another fantasy novel. Set in another world. Our hero/ine has the unique magical ability to transform their shape, and it has long been prophesied that a person with such an ability will be the one to [fill in blank]. Is anybody interested?

4. Old Zippo, forced to buy a suit for his son's wedding, goes to the local suit store, Arvakeria. In the changing room, he's transformed into a small Labrador, and wanders around town wearing the ill-fitting pin-striped suit. He's recognized as a brilliant dog, and gets a job as a financial adviser to the town council. When the town goes broke, Old Zippo runs off with a poodle named, "Zelda Muffin," and they live fairly comfortably in the back of a Volkswagon bus with a bunch of vegan hippies.

5. 6646 BC. Most of the human race died out two thousand years earlier under the reign of King Arvaker. Now, just as we're making a comeback, a new threat arrives: vampire orcs. Humans go underground and morph into dwarfs to await their savior, but when he finally shows up, he's kind of lazy.

6. Arvakeria was the rowdiest, most lawless city on the planet . . . until the Transformation, when all Arvakerians became angels. Now the Arvakerians travel from town to town punishing rowdy lawless people with death and torture. Hey, it's a living.


Original Version

Transformation In Arvakeria is a literary science fiction and fantasy future best seller at approximately 196,672 words.

Rumor has it that twelve thousand years ago, humans had magic. The orcs are not pleased about this because, while they are stronger than humans (their natural STR scores would default at 18) and bigger (orcs grow to about 6'5" at minimum all the way up to 8' whereas humans of course have a wide range but never that tall!) magic is obviously more powerful. So the orcs set about to kill all the humans. Around the reign of King Arvaker, circa 8573 b.c., these humans were all but destroyed and were on their final legs as a species.

Icarus is the only man who can stop all the senseless dying and kill off all the other species. But he won't be born for another few thousand years, so lots more people will die before then.

Left to their own devices, the orcs and dragons and dragon-orcs would kill and enslave all of the humans. Fortunately the world almost ended at about 6646 b.c. and all of the orcs died off. But a new threat was threatening... vampire orcs.

Left with few soldiers left (a typical army at about this time would contain around a thousand soldiers, broken up into "decades" of 200 troops. Each one would have a command structure roughly equal to one commander per 50 men) the humans have no choice but to hide until their savior is borne.

Rapidly the humans underground start to develop into dwarves, which helps boost their STR scores, but they become too belligerent and the remaining true humans are forced back above ground.

Icarus still hasn't been born yet, but he will. All of the humans await this day. That is when everything will be happily ever after... but will he command the humans?? Death follows those who worship the path of darkness...

Eventually Icarus is born and the savior grows up into a great warrior. Unfortunately Icarus is spoiled as a child since he is the chosen one and doesn't like to do very much. So his friends must tackle the fate of the world and save the humans from the dangers above ground and below...

T.In.A. is complete and awaits your reply. I know that vampires are very big right now so that is why I chose to kill the orcs and make the bad guys vampire orcs. Thanks for your time.


Notes

Every hundred or so queries we get a hoax query, and if we're running low on real queries and openings, or fake plots, and continuations, I'm happy to post it, as long as I don't have to put any effort into critiquing it.

Face-Lift 887

Guess the Plot

The Bright Red Fires of my Heart

1. Memoir of my years in the Communist Party and my struggles with acid reflux.

2. She's a pyromaniac. He's a fireman. When they fall in love, it's a doomed relationship. But at least they have really hot sex.

3. Okay, think modern-day Cinderella in love with the prince, but set in France and Santa Claus is in it.

4. Twenty-eight year old Norm Charles receives the first successful permanent artificial heart. With his new lease on life Norm searches New York looking for romance. The romance soon turns to uncontrollable violence and lust as something inside the robotic part of Norm sparks what he calls . . . the bright red fires of my heart.

5. Every time Magnesia "Maggie" Smith has heartburn, something in town goes up in flames. She can't help it, it's just a reflux. When Maggie gets a job waitressing at Big Bob's Gas n' Grill, the ensuing fires threaten to destroy the town. Deputy Sheriff Urrp suspects the truth, but his superiors find the idea hard to digest. Will a bottle of Maalox put an end to the whole dismal bismuth?

6. An old matron reminisces on past love affairs conducted during her years as a cardiologist/welder.



Original Version

Thank you so much for giving up of your time to consider my latest probably bestselling romance.*

I based it on the classic story Cinderella and though it's all handwritten, when you want it I can photocopy everything and I'll even pay for that. (this letter is written out on my friend's typewriter, just in case you're curious. She's written a book about elves and it's really really good.) For now I have sent you on the first four pages because that is how I know it is except for I got writers cramp and had to rest myself so it might seem as if it kind of ends suddenly because it actually does. My hand is okay now. If you would like to have a look at page number five I should be all right in a couple of days I suppose.

STOP PRESS

I am a lot better now as it happens as you might well have guessed from this email which I have typed out but when you get the letter it might be a backup.

THIS IS WHERE THE STOP PRESS ENDS AND YOU GO BACK TO THE LETTER

It's the same up to the bit with the fireplace, only because mine's modern times, it's central heating. That means a rethink on the stagecoach, which is original, and Santa Claus is in it at the end, a bit like Raymond Brigg's** Snowman so it will make a brilliant film even if Jonny Depp is working on another one somewhere about a dragon or something.

As my mother died last year, I will dedicate it to her.*** I have some poems she wrote to go on the first page****, possibly in a floral box, and which may open out. We'll have to work out what profit goes to her favourite charity, cats.*****

Some of it is in French. That will help it to go abroad, though my French isn't that good as my English, though I feel you will have translators. My friend (whose written the elf book I mentioned to you about) can't speak French at all which means I was a bit stuck on that one but when you see it you will see what I'm saying. It's the verb endings really and also the word Prince which I forgot but I've corrected all those with the real French (or probably most of them, i'm pretty thorough.) So when you get to every time it says Prince you will have to use your imagination but as this is what books are about this is a plus point isn't it?

I would be most grateful if you can send this all back to me by next Wednesday ****** as there is another man who I am wanting to send it to, an agent, so don't crease any of it up. If you can post me on the receipt for the stamps I will pay that as well as for the photocopying like I promised to earlier but I can't pay for the stamps that the envelope for the receipt will have stuck on it because then you would have to put the receipt for that second load of stamps into yet another envelope and it would all just get like infinity.

There are 45,387 words in it.********

In case you are wondering, I am a woman but I'm not saying who just yet because of some photos on the Facebook page I've got.*********

I read somewhere how good it always is to include a personal paragraph in ones' query about the agent you are writing to but as I can see from all of your details you are not one of those I am making very sure that I don’t do anything like that just in case it isn't really what you're supposed to do. If it's different for how editors go about things perhaps you could let me know and I will have a think (creatively of course i'm a writer!!) about how I can go about helping you with any revised query that i might revise. **********

It would be a clichet to say Live Long And Prosper because of Mr Spock but I think this is generally very good. This is a new mileneum so yours truly is now obviously a bit old fashioned for finishing off with and I don’t feel personally comfortable with see ya or any of the more modern words people who are younger than me use regularly these days. It’s also because my mother was a pretty keen fan of the show when it was on in the 60s and I was a littel girl about 4 or 8, sitting on her lap unless it was Bonanza she wanted to watch (which she did) and the spagheti westerns. So it is only fitting that I am signing off to you in this way because of it all and it never matters what age you might be to say this because even if anybody is old you can still prosper in the days that you have got left to live on this earth because we all go to heaven like my mother. That is why it is so special even though he was an alien. ***********


* It is called The Bright Red Fires Of My Heart and it is an autobiography even though I have not been married once and only had one man friend, Donny.

** who I also love.

*** She was called Marie.

**** Two are about horses their really lovely.

***** The poems that are not about horses are all about cats (except for the one about the blind man and the partly spiritual haiku she wrote in Paris when she was 27).

****** Depending on when this reaches you this may now be the Wednesday after that one, in which case you will be too late and I shall be very angry. How can I send this out to two men at the same time? In the ressession? *******

******* I am only joking!!! You are a professional!!! But if you could get it back to me by that Wednesday (the first one and not the second one) I would still be ever so grateful because my local supermarket has stopped its 2-for-1 deals on cucumbers which were my favourite.

******** Aproximately. Some French words get all joined up with those - things whatever their called like pince-nez. Is that one word or two? So because of all of this kind of thing my word count must be well out but it's not 100,000 or 20,000 or anything so you get the idea. Maybe if you know how those - things work you could count up for me so I know what it all is officially. Thank you so much.

********* I am sure that I don’t have to tell you any more information than you’ve now got.

********** Go ahead, tick the box marked “she has obviously done her research” (which I have, btw).

*********** This final ending paragraph is very succinct so I don’t have anything else to add to it now other than happy reading.

Face-Lift 858

Guess the Plot

A Girl and Her Octopus

1. Come on. Do I HAVE to explain what this book is about?

2. Tiffany spent her entire summer vacation coaxing the octopus to emerge from that tide pool. But now Dad won't let her bring him home. If she pretends to obediently flush the gastropod, can she sneak her new pet back to Kansas in her suitcase?

3. Every time Nemo Jones tries to complete his speech for the documentary about his undersea miracle of post-modern living, that damn girl swims to the window and makes silly faces at the camera while her octopus sullies the glass with its arm-slime. Where does this pesky wench come from, and how can he be rid of her?

4. In 2487, Earth depends on the asteroid miners for raw minerals. Miner Jax Subit is one of the youngest, driving her eight-armed mining droid in the outer belt to support her family Earthside. When war leaves half of Earth a smoking hulk, Jax realizes that she can finally afford those implants, since she doesn't have to send money home anymore.

5. Sheila's cool with the prune look, the suction cup hickies and scarecrow hair from all the salt. Octi makes it all worthwhile, bringing her pretty shells and bits of coral from the deep. But when Octi brings her a doubloon, greedy eyes take interest and the hunt is on.

6. Ever since an octopus saved Octavia from drowning, the two have been inseparable friends. But when she falls in love with Otto, who is allergic to gastropods, Octavia must decide if she can give her octopus up, and be content with a man with only two tentacles…er, arms.

7. After the hurricane, Tina does her best to hide her new pet, but at story time three suckered tentacles grab Mom by the ankle and pull her under the bed, where she is summarily devoured by a monster that will quickly grow to enormous proportions and devour everything that moves in Orlando.

8. Michelle is the richest girl in the universe, but she won't be happy unless she and her octopus guardian Soangdu can break her Aunt Lisa out of the mental institution. Fortunately they have help from a doctor, if they can just get him to focus on the mission instead of his quest for the Twinkies recipe.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

A generation after spaceflight begins, humans have spread to hundreds of planets and haven’t found other sentient life forms; right? [Wrong. Space flight began a couple generations ago, and humans haven't reached any planets.] For ten years after her mother’s kidnapping and murder, twelve-year-old Michelle Gulden, the richest girl in the universe, has lived in her father’s lab on a small planet. Now she must get her aunt, Lisa, from a mental hospital before her father dies, an adventure she’s always wanted. [This is the plot of The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest, except set on Pluto.]

She has the help of her two guardians, Chirpizadon and Soangdu, but her guardians must be passed off as pets. Chirpizadon, who was bred in her father’s lab and has a genius I.Q., as a furball. [Was that a sentence?] Soangdu, is an octopus that hates people and hates being thought a pet. [No comma needed in that sentence.] When they discover that her mother’s murder was only part of a conspiracy trying to take over; [Take over what? Whatever. Change semicolon to comma.] they must try to destroy the whole conspiracy with the help of a pet-shop owner who seems to know too much and is close to the leader [Leader of what?] and a doctor on a quest for [a] mythical recipe for Twinkies.

My 60,000 word young adult book, “A Girl and Her Octopus: It’s a Beautiful Thing”, is a science-fiction story that plays with ideas about what is “human”.

Sincerely,


Notes

It's safe to assume that if this were a real query for a real book it wouldn't have "It's a Beautiful Thing" tacked onto the title. Even A Girl and Her Octopus is a title so ridiculous it could be applied only to bad fan fiction about Spiderman's nemesis, Dr. Octopus.

Face-Lift 480

Guess the Plot

Dog Park

1. A scientist recreates an entire species from DNA gathered from the blood inside a frozen tick, and builds a theme park around the animals. When the animals turn on him, it's up to two children, a mathematician, and Miss Nevada to set things right. Also, a saber toothed weredingo.

2. When Sheila Abernathy built a "wilderness" dog park outside Cincinnati, she had no idea it would soon be swarming with Ohio's prostitutes, blackmailers, juvenile delinquents, and real estate speculators. Or did she? Ace homicide detective Zack Martinez has 3 gruesome murders to solve and 483 suspects . . . including Sheila.

3. There are already enough bars filled with high-maintenance bitches and horny wolves, so frat brothers Eric and Rob start a new chain of pick-up joints for fat, ugly people and call it "Dog Park." Over time they come to learn that fat, ugly people don't just exist to be exploited, and both men find love in the lunch-lady arms of double-bagger twins Velma and Thelma.

4. Dog Park; the overgrown tract of land where kids play in the rusted car wrecks, where you don't have to poop-scoop after your pet, and where ducks and humans can breed in privacy in the overgrown bushes. Now the council wants to clean it up. Can a bunch of mums and dogs, kids, junkies, fags and whores take down the fascist bastards?

5. In a moment of desperation secret agent Nick Armstrong tucks a flash drive in the jacket of a poodle in the elevator. Tiffy Jones strolls away with no idea the fate of Chicago is on her dog, Fluffkins. But Gus "Chicken-Face" Lombardi knows and he'll stop at nothing to get it. Can Nick do a Houdini from the thug-mobile and get to the dog park in time to save Tiffy and Fluffkins?

6. When terrorists release a plague inside the US, a Homeland Security intern and a hunky medical student may be the country's only hope of figuring out how the disease is being transmitted. When they stumble on the answer in a dog park, they are torn. Should they tell the president, knowing he will declare that to save human lives . . . all dogs must die?


Original Version

Dear Holder of My Future, Please Treat It Well:

Ivy Leaguer Samantha Carre is enjoying her summer internship with the Department of Homeland Security. That is, until something that looks like the plague on steroids starts killing people in New York, Virginia, and DC. [Let's see, who would want to wipe out literary agents, lovers, and lobbyists?] The superbug is resilient and fast-spreading. The evidence points to a bioweapon being mechanically released -- but by whom, by what vector, and where will it strike next?

Teamed with brilliant and handsome biomedical student Max Stein, Samantha sets to work interviewing victims and their families, [Interviewing victims of a plague?

Samantha: I understand you're a plague victim.

Victim:

Samantha: Hellooooo?! I may be a summer intern, but this is serious government work. Have you eaten any raw seafood lately?]

looking for any common thread among them. But with a frightened country bringing travel to a standstill, the healthcare system on the verge of collapse, and a viable vaccine still months away, time is growing desperately short.

When Samantha and Max stumble on the answer in a neighborhood dog park, they become terrorist targets. Chased, shot at, and possibly exposed to the plague, they must rely on brains, brawn, and each other to stay alive long enough to alert authorities to their discovery.

But eluding terrorists is only their first challenge. Harder still will be convincing the Director of Homeland Security and the President that [Say no more. I think we're all agreed that there's no convincing the president of anything.] containing the outbreak doesn't mean wholesale slaughter of the vector used to carry the plague: not strays and discards, but a nation of dogs people care about and love. [Why a whole nation of dogs? If the terrorists are infecting dogs in dog parks, then it seems only dogs whose owners have taken them to dog parks would be potential plague carriers.]

DOG PARK, a thriller with romantic elements, is complete at 80,000 words. I look forward to sending you the manuscript.

Sincerely,


Notes

I don't see how the superbug is "fast-spreading." I get the impression dogs are infected at the dog park and their owners later die. How does it spread beyond that? Do the dogs then get adopted into new homes whose owners die? Seems like if that were the case it wouldn't have taken an accidental stumbling-upon to determine the vector. Dog's family all die, dog's new family all die. Coincidence?

Why are these two people desperately searching for answers in a dog park in the first place? I could see Samantha maybe interviewing a family member in the dog park, but why would she and Max both be in the dog park, if, up to now, they don't suspect dogs?

Okay, okay, you've confessed that this novel doesn't really exist, so you don't have to answer the questions, and of course there aren't any correct answers anyway, unless this has actually all been thought through. Has it?

Face-Lift 448

Guess the Plot

Werewolf Snotlards

1. Who cares what the plot is? You know you'd buy anything called "Werewolf Snotlards."

2. Tempted by the chance to win a mug from Evil Editor, a Minion dashes off a query in five minutes flat -- a query for a novel that does not exist. But will the Minion still be eligible for the prize once EE realizes that the query is clearly fake?

3. When the morbidly-obese Werewolf Snotlard discovers that he has a twin, can the two cheery Snotlards eat their way out of Beijing? Or will they be buried beneath a load of snot? Also, a pickle.

4. Pub wench Lottie O'Leary buys ten snotlards from a tiny Frenchman who says if she plants them 'round the house, they'll keep werewolves away. But he lied. By Tuesday midnight ten hungry werewolves are howling at her door. Also, a corduroy hammock.

5. Chef Ted Grossout knows how to get more vegetables into your children, and it's as easy serving up a heaping helping of Werewolf Snotlards. Hundreds of new and exciting recipes, from Zombie Earwax to Weredingo Turds, will have your little ones asking for more.

6. When Stinky and Dwight investigate the commotion behind the dumpster, they discover the mayor of Springfield is actually a rodent-eating werewolf with serious wardrobe issues. Should they scram fast or use Stinky's cell phone to zap her picture to the Springfield Times?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I wrote a query just to get that mug.

When the morbidly-obese boy that some people call Werewolf Snotlard discovers that he has a twin, can the two cheery Snotlards eat their way out of Beijing? Or will the evil, mysterious (and purportedly Irish) Lord Snotlaird bury them beneath a load of… well, snot?

“Werewolf Snotlards” is my debut novel, about when the morbidly-obese boy that some people call Werewolf Snotlard discovers that he has a twin. Immediately upon sitting on his snotty twin, Werewolf Snotlard receives a magical gift and is rushed off to a secret henhouse in Beijing. But Lord Snotlaird has some plans of his own, which include a pickle, a long rope, and at least one bag of ice. But Werewolf Snotlard has his OWN plans. What will he do to Lord Snotlaird? And why is he carrying that hatchet?

At 650,000 words, “Werewolf Snotlards” is a powerful fantasy epic that teaches kids about the power of love, and also about the power of a sharp hatchet. Kids ages 16-and-1/2 to 16-and-6/8 will love this book, and if anyone reads it, it will sell a million copies within the first hour of release.

If you would be interested in reading more, I can send you the first 10 words. Everything else is confidential.

Sincerely,

Face-Lift 361

Guess the Plot

Cruise Control

1. After watching their leading man ruin Oprah's sofa, ridicule depressed people, and give his wife a pacifier during labor, movie executives decide it's time to take action.

2. Nicole has had it with her ex-husband, so she has a voodoo doll made. Now, when he appears live on TV, the world will know what she put up with.

3. The story of a Hollywood publicist, Damaj Controlle, whose desperate attempts to rein in an egomaniacal client result in Damaj's firing. The client's outrageous behavior includes jumping on couches, impregnating a brainwashed youth, and frequently using the word "glib."

4. Tom is being blackmailed into leading a religious cult, and decides the only way to end the extortion is to smear his own reputation and become hated by all. But will televised conniptions and tirades against squirt gun microphone pranksters be enough?

5. Being a Hollywood "star wrangler" is Evie's job, one she excels at. But what can even she do with a certifiably insane Scientologist?

6. Katie'd had enough. No more sofa dancing. No more weird sci-fi mumbo jumbo religion. No more hunching over in public just to appease his enormous little-man ego. She wanted her life back. So she fitted Tom with a subcutaneous behavior-modifying microchip. Now if she could only remember where she left the remote.

7. The seas are afloat with blue-haired old ladies and wannabe professional gamblers. Captain Stubing and Gopher are not at all pleased with the current demographics, believing the new crop of cruise goers are destroying the romance of moonlight strolls and heart-throbbing love trysts. So Stubing and Gopher form a committee to ban sunglasses, baseball caps and Fixodent aboard their cruise line.

8. It doesn't take long for Sadara Obi to decide what to do when he finds a time portal in the basement of his bullying friend, Fang Woo. He travels to 1945 and changes the course of history by installing cruise control on the dashboard of the Enola Gay. Welcome Back, Hiroshima, and Goodbye Shanghai!

9. When dastardly mechanic Cheesy Adams wires his remote controller into the navigational circuitry of a cruise ship, hilarity ensues. But what will happen when a boatload of angry geezers and crones arrives in Haiti?

10. Even though prostitution is legal in the desert town of Tatterville, Police Chief Roy Beauregard is sickened by the hookers strolling Venter Avenue, because that’s where the Dairy Queen is, and Roy’s daughter Lila loves Butterfinger Blizzards. Roy begs Mayor Ernie to erect “No Cruising” signs, but when Mayor Ernie refuses, Roy concocts his own plan and has all the sidewalks replaced with metal grates, the archenemy of stiletto heels!


Original Version

Dear EE,

Tom has it all; money, fame, power. He used to be a person people cheered and revered, until that fateful night. That night he found himself in the company of a peculiar science fiction writer by the name of L. Ron Hubbard, or as Tom had previously known him, Dr. L.

Dr. L knew all about Tom's crime, the crime he had worked so hard to cover up, the crime he could not let anyone ever find out about. But Dr. L's presence proved his cover-up had failed, and now he was thrown at the mercy of a deranged lunatic. Blackmailed by Dr. L into leading a religious cult, Tom's fame becomes his Achilles heal. Hew devises a plan to end his extortion. If he can smear his reputation and become hated by all, he may be set free of his cult duty. Through explosions of feeling on Oprah, tirades against squirt-gun microphone pranksters, and two divorces and marriages, Tom sets out to ruin his name, but will it be enough??????

Cruise Control is a 171-word thriller. Thanks you for your consideration and I hope to hear from you soon.


Notes

I gotta start reading these things when they come in, instead of waiting till the minions have put hours of thought into composing their GTPs, at which point I don't have the heart to ditch the query.

Face-Lift 245

Guess the Plot

Worse than Death

1. When EE's queue runs dry, a minion submits her query just to keep things running. Little did she know she was about to face a fate... Worse Than Death!

2. When brutal eunuchs and rogue sorcerers threaten to destroy Boring-on-End, only Miss Amelia Pettipants can save the day. But Miss Pettipants already has her hands full with the zombies.

3. Teenage techno-polkafunk band Steeped In Molasses is known throughout the region as the only band worse than their headbanging classmates, Death. The band nearly breaks up when Roxy wants to improve but Dale thinks they should try the William Hung route to stardom. Can their friendship survive the tension and the vampire drummer?

4. Badboy "Killer" Jones, age 15, cusses, acts like a twerp, makes flatulance jokes, and then breaks a crucifix. Next day he's only age 13, and soon he realizes he's doomed to relive early adolescence for eternity. Can he escape this curse?

5. An editor's assistant is given a choice: die by lethal injection, or head up the team that is shepherding the first Amelia Pettipants novel through the editing process. What will he choose? Also, a homeless man hijacks a bus.

6. A sour-tongued minion wearing a tan coat, some type of eyewear, a hood, a strange cap and a disturbingly pleasant smile is dragged from her home by Canadian mounties during a blizzard. Her crime? a stream of ascerbic, hostile blog replies. For the next 15-20 years she is forced to edit the complete set of Amelia Pettipants posts and comments -- a fate "Worse Than Death."



Original Version

JULIE PETTIPANTS’ life was the American Dream. Perfect house. Perfect husband. Perfect great aunt AMELIA. Then came the day she woke up with her husband missing and a dark red stain halfway down his side of the sheets. She finds him alive and happy in the kitchen, but her worst fears are confirmed when a kick to the groin elicits only a grin and a hug. And he’s not the only one. The entire town’s been emasculated. Also, none of them have pulses.

But these zombies have no cannibalistic tendencies. Just the opposite. Wearing crescent-moon grins that never seem to set, her husband carries out her every command. Things seem BETTER than perfect. At least, before the cabal of rogue sorcerers fly into town.

Now the eunuchs have turned brutal. JULIE turns to the only person who she can trust. But persnickety spinster AMELIA has her own hands full, with Boring-On-End’s stadium sized morgue nearing capacity as hundred of bodies with the domes of their heads cut off and their brains missing start turning up everywhere.

Is JULIE plucky enough to help solve her nosy great aunt’s case? Will the murders in Boring-on-End stop long enough for AMELIA to help her grand niece? Can a wife go head to head with rogue sorcerers, find enough stem cells to reverse the damage, and save her husband from a fate….Worse than Death? Will she save the cheerleader (AND SAVE THE WORLD? PS. Let’s use this as the tagline on the book flap, since it is clearly an incredibly witty line.)

Currently at 250,000 words, Worse than Death is a paranormal horror urban fantasy romance mystery. As I use the words “he” and “she” several times in the book, I believe it will appeal to the segments of the market who are men or women. It will also include many instances of the word “it” which I am certain will allow the book to reach into the currently untapped eunuch and undead markets, where it should reach sales levels comparable to the Bible and Mao’s Little Red Book combined. Would you be interested in reading my first draft whenever I find the time to finish it?

Thanks!

PS. Please try to get James Cameroon to direct the movie. I do not like Oprah, but if you are unable to get a simple ten page ad into Vanity Fair, I suppose I could go on her show for an additional 20% in royalties.


Notes

A Miss Pettipants novel was long overdue. I would suggest you refer to the woman as "doughty" at some point in the query. Other than that, perfect. Be sure to submit the first 150 words as soon as you've written them.

Face-Lift 134

Guess the Plot

The Minotaur and the Ho

1. Sick of his stressful job guarding a labyrinth, the Minotaur applies for a position pulling a sleigh. Can the taurine recluse learn to be jolly and get the job before Theseus finds him?

2. Lost in the Labyrinth, Helen of Troy climbs to the height of passion with its inhabitant, who is, literally, hung like a bull.

3. When Santa lost his way, Rudolph saved the day. Now Santa has lost his voice. Can the Minotaur help him rejoice?

4. Ferdinand Turnbull, nerdish Minotaur, postpones his search for his father in order to pimp for all the hos in Bethlehem.

5. When a serial killer nicknamed "The Minotaur" slips up and allows a single syllable of laughter to be recorded on a victim's answering machine, will detective Dan Malone recognize the voice--and overcome his heroin addiction--in time to save the next victim?

6. A couples Scrabble contest gets tense when Lenore scores a triple-word bonus with "MINOTAUR" but her husband scores minimum points on the crucial final turn. Can their marriage survive?


Original Version

Dear Miss Snark,

I am seeking representation for a fantasy/farce set in the future.

It is the year 2036 and a rough beast slouches towards Bethlehem, PA. Ferdinand Turnbull is a Minotaur in search of his cloven roots. He's looking for his father, Abelard, who's rumored to be in with a herd of Herefords on an Amish farm.

At a bus stop in the gritty steel town he meets Maggie, a teenage ho with a heart of platinum. She and her best friend Lilith are also on a quest. They are trying to find the perfect pimp, a man who will respect them and treat them like the working professionals that they are, and balance the books at the same time. When they spot Turnbull's pocket protector and he shyly admits that his nickname in college was Ferd the Nerd, they know they have found their man-bull.

The three form a consortium. It is so successful that all the women of the night are eager to be represented by Turnbull. He holds a series of checkbook-balancing seminars. Brought together by a sense of community, the hos form a union and revolt against their former masters. The other pimps are furious at the invasion of their turf and the loss of their booty, and begin plotting to do Ferdinand in.

The socially inept Ferd is oblivious to all this. Although he's traded in his plastic pocket protector for one studded with diamonds, the mystery of his father continues to haunt him. He spends his days tooling around the countryside in his Explorer, stopping at every barn and bellowing out his name.

But the sweet taste of wealth turns to ashes in his mouth when Lilith is found gored to death. Turnbull's been framed. On trial for his life, it looks like he is headed for the Big Barbeque when Abelard appears. Armed with quiddities and quillets and a leather briefcase, Abelard gets his son off on a technicality. Freshly sprung from jail, Ferd decides to make Maggie an honest woman. His mother, a New York literary agent, flies in for the wedding and falls back in love with the bull. They all live happily ever after.

The book is done, approximately 86,000 words, and I can send you the first 3 chapters, or a synopsis. Or both. The title is either Come Again? or The Minotaur and the Ho – I can't decide which is more catchy. What do you think?

Breathlessly awaiting your reply!

Sincerely,


Notes

Please. I realize this is fiction, but even Evil Editor has his limits. Do you really expect anyone to believe a New York literary agent would fly to Bethlehem, PA, when she could hire a limo to get her there in 90 minutes? While flying would require getting to the airport at least 90 minutes before takeoff, and sitting amongst riffraff in the terminal and next to a fat guy with a cold on the plane? A plane which, considering its destination, would probably be making a few crop dusting passes along the way?

Up till then, it was fine.