Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Face-Lift 448

Guess the Plot

Werewolf Snotlards

1. Who cares what the plot is? You know you'd buy anything called "Werewolf Snotlards."

2. Tempted by the chance to win a mug from Evil Editor, a Minion dashes off a query in five minutes flat -- a query for a novel that does not exist. But will the Minion still be eligible for the prize once EE realizes that the query is clearly fake?

3. When the morbidly-obese Werewolf Snotlard discovers that he has a twin, can the two cheery Snotlards eat their way out of Beijing? Or will they be buried beneath a load of snot? Also, a pickle.

4. Pub wench Lottie O'Leary buys ten snotlards from a tiny Frenchman who says if she plants them 'round the house, they'll keep werewolves away. But he lied. By Tuesday midnight ten hungry werewolves are howling at her door. Also, a corduroy hammock.

5. Chef Ted Grossout knows how to get more vegetables into your children, and it's as easy serving up a heaping helping of Werewolf Snotlards. Hundreds of new and exciting recipes, from Zombie Earwax to Weredingo Turds, will have your little ones asking for more.

6. When Stinky and Dwight investigate the commotion behind the dumpster, they discover the mayor of Springfield is actually a rodent-eating werewolf with serious wardrobe issues. Should they scram fast or use Stinky's cell phone to zap her picture to the Springfield Times?

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I wrote a query just to get that mug.

When the morbidly-obese boy that some people call Werewolf Snotlard discovers that he has a twin, can the two cheery Snotlards eat their way out of Beijing? Or will the evil, mysterious (and purportedly Irish) Lord Snotlaird bury them beneath a load of… well, snot?

“Werewolf Snotlards” is my debut novel, about when the morbidly-obese boy that some people call Werewolf Snotlard discovers that he has a twin. Immediately upon sitting on his snotty twin, Werewolf Snotlard receives a magical gift and is rushed off to a secret henhouse in Beijing. But Lord Snotlaird has some plans of his own, which include a pickle, a long rope, and at least one bag of ice. But Werewolf Snotlard has his OWN plans. What will he do to Lord Snotlaird? And why is he carrying that hatchet?

At 650,000 words, “Werewolf Snotlards” is a powerful fantasy epic that teaches kids about the power of love, and also about the power of a sharp hatchet. Kids ages 16-and-1/2 to 16-and-6/8 will love this book, and if anyone reads it, it will sell a million copies within the first hour of release.

If you would be interested in reading more, I can send you the first 10 words. Everything else is confidential.



jjdebenedictis said...

There is a reason this query has no blue comments. I really don't see how it could be made funnier.

If you will excuse me, I have to go to the ER now. I'm pretty sure I've ruptured my spleen.

Anonymous said...

I'm right behind you jjdebenedictis!



Robin S. said...

Wow, the pictures are graduating around here.

This query is a scream. Whoever did it, congrats on a good laugh.

Dave Fragments said...

I'm so glad that the world is safe from "Werewolf Snotlards."

This is like explaining food delicacies to the squeamish -- blood pudding, head cheese, that green stuff in lobsters, lardo, testicles, eyeballs and what is collectively called sweetmeats. yanno...
The squeamish just go squeamy...

Anonymous said...

Didn't find this funny at all...

pacatrue said...

I'm not the only one trying to think of something you might do with "a pickle, a long rope, and at least one bag of ice," right? Right?

Blogless Troll said...

I noticed the werewolf in the picture has markings on its knuckles, and for a minute I was worried that EE had actually taken the time to Photoshop "SNOT" and "LARD" tattoos on the werewolf's hands. However, closer inspection reveals this is not the case, although he did add some shading to the snot drippings, which I thought was a nice touch.

Anonymous said...

First ten words, please!

Dave Fragments said...

Is that picture possibly EE's alter-ego in the werewolf realm? It is a mighty handsome anthromorphic furry, isn't it? Do I sense a touch of yiff?

Lightsmith said...

Wow, I guess humor really is subjective, because this fell rather flat for me. I did like the part about only sending the first 10 words, though.

EE, the werewolf's snot should be a brighter green. Right now it's blending in too much with the color of his fur. I would also add some glistening highlights to the snot. (Sorry, I make notes like this all day long at work. Force of habit.)

McKoala said...

I feel sure this book will one day be written and clearly it is destined for greatness.

Anonymous said...

The first ten words are:

"Swiftly, suspiciously, with sloppy style and sneaky snot, Werewolf Snotlards..."

Everything else is quite confidential. ;)

- JustABand

Anonymous said...

Life is vapid without a hoax now and then. I say give that gall a mug of your mug. Also agree with lightsmith that the snot should be greener, but the clip art is magnificent!

Xiexie said...

this deserves a mug, and wow @ that. they get a gold star for this one. 2 gold stars

Stacia said...

How in the heck did I miss this one when I checked in earlier?

I think "snotlard" is the best made-up word I have ever heard.