Nobody looks twice at me. Which is a good thing, as Martha Stewart says, because I kill people for a living. I’m not handsome and I’m not ugly. I have no distinguishing features—not even my eyes. When I dress up in a suit, I look like any businessman going to work, or perhaps a middle manager at your local A&P, the one responsible for keeping the Slurpie materials stocked. When I dress in jeans and a sweatshirt, I look like any old married guy who’s ready to watch a football game, or perhaps mow the lawn. Any of my employers might think I’m a little crazy for saying this, but I think it’s one of the reasons I’ve lasted so long in this business. Witnesses don’t remember much about me, if at all. I’m like a ghost in that way. I’m good at not being seen. I guess I’ve always been like that, even as a kid. I remember when my mother used to— “What the?! Aaaughhhhhhh!”
Motherfucker, as Martha Stewart says when she gets arrested, I guess I’m visible now. At least my blood is, flowing out from under that cab. How could he not have seen me? Shit. I’ll have to come up with a new intro now. Let’s see . . . Nobody looks once at me. No . . . Nobody looks at me . . . Christ, this could take a while.
Opening: freddie.....Continuation: blogless_troll
14 comments:
Unchosen Continuation:
Or, I was good a not being seen.
Everyone has off days. Barbers leave bald spots, waitresses deliver BLTs on wheat instead of rye. As for me, I meet women named Gloria.
She was supposed to be your basic “another day, another dollar” mark. Some random girl who’d seen one of my employers off a nightclub owner. I don’t usually fall for the “strong, sexy” act, but she had a biting wit and looked stunning in white. Even after Labor Day. She also had a faster draw, and before I could blink she shot me square between the eyes. Hurt like hell.
And now I’m dead. Surprisingly enough, there’s not a whole lot of work in the afterlife for a guy like me. I’m surrounded by do-gooders and morons that think they’re still alive. But I got bigger fish to fry now. I plan on haunting the crap out of Gloria until I figure out who she really is, and why the hell she bumped me off.
--Unagirl
Assuming you're talking about Slurpee, it's 7-11 that sells them.
I'd change "if at all" to "if anything."
I don't think the Martha Stewart reference is helping.
And I'd choose some of this to be cut, as I think you've driven home the point well before it ends.
I think you're right, EE.
In my defense, this is my opening to my NaNo, and it's not edited. I dashed this off in about 30 seconds. Normally I wouldn't post something I haven't labored and sweated over.
I'm already behind my alloted daily word count. Argh!!!
Both continuations made me laugh, but blogless_troll made me spit my soup. Kudos!
(Tried posting a comment, but I think it got eaten.)
I think you're right, EE. In my defense, this is my opening to my NaNo, and I dashed it off in about 30 seconds. To make 50K words by November 30, I find I have to write so fast it's almost free association. I plan to take the Martha Stewart reference out, as well as come up with a better analogy than the local A&P/7-11 manager reference. Hell, the whole novel will have to be rewritten, the way it's meandering all over the place. Normally I wouldn't post something I haven't slaved and sweated over, but you needed openings, and I needed a laugh.
Both of the continuations made me laugh, but blogless_troll made me spit my soup.
This is a case of too many words. I write too many words on the first draft. So don't feel bad. If I may be so bold.
"Nobody looks twice at me. I’m nondescript. I'm anyman going to work. I'm the middle manager at the A&P. I'm the old married guy who’s ready to watch a football game. I'm your neighbor mowing the lawn.
And for the right money, I kill people. I make them quickly, efficiently dead. Afterward, witnesses forget me. Just like I wasn't there.
My first drafts are usually overwritten, and after about a thousand edits they end up being half what I started with. This is definitely overkill but you'll whittle it down. Be wary of your descriptions, too. When you show the middle manager in such a menial task as though that's all he does, it's offensive to middle managers everywhere. At least show him taking honor in what might be considered trivial.
And no, I'm not a middle manager, but I do perform plenty of menial tasks.
Oh, and hilarious continuation blogless! Read it again and laughed just as good the second time.
Unagirl - that continuation is an awesome plot setup. Nice idea.
Hey, Freddie did what EE asked! Kudos!
Nothing useful to add. I think it goes on a bit too long, but that's been said, so I'll shut up.
I didn't think this was a bad beginning, just not very gripping. For one thing, it felt like I'd read it previously because the 'invisible person' stuff has been used so often. Additionally, you've got all that front-end description, which is a bit like combining the 'look in the mirror' character introduction.
These two things, no action so far to tie us into the fictional world, the Martha Stewart mention, and the A&P/Slurpee error kept me from getting sucked into your world.
I'd have read a bit further, but something needs to happen fast to justify the information you've already given me. You've led me to expect some sort of proof of the narrator's assessment of his/her appearance or something that shows him/her in error on that point.
Hi freddie,
You already know you're gonna edit this down, but I like this line a lot-
"I kill people for a living. I’m not handsome and I’m not ugly."
I might start with that and then add the "Nobody looks twice at me"
line.
Blogless- really good continuation.
With Written.
Thanks for all the comments, everyone. They're great suggestions. I find them encouraging as I flounder my way through my first novel. It's going to suck (at least the first draft will), but I don't care. I just hope I finish. (I'm working third shift right now, which is taking its toll on my sleep habits.) I don't care if all I end up writing is "All work and no play makes Jacky a very dull boy" - or whatever that line is out of The Shining - over and over again. At the rate I'm going, that's entirely possible. Wish me luck!
With Robin. I'd cut it to this, then move to an action scene:
I’m not handsome and I’m not ugly. Which is a good thing, because I kill people for a living.
(insert action scene)
I really would delete it down to this. It needs to be punchy.
I think this could be good, if not overdone.
Good luck,
Blogless, you're always in top form! Loved the continuation!!
:-)
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