Why you don't get published.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Face-Lift 86
Guess the Plot
Murder at the Mall
1. Emily was distressed when the detective at the door informed her that her husband had been murdered at the mall--until she remembered that she'd just left him in the living room.
2. When Josie grabbed the last pair of rhinestone-studded, stiletto-heeled slingbacks in the shop window, she didn't know Veronica would eat her heart out. Literally.
3. When two centenarians duke it out over a handicapped parking space at the Outlet Mall of Augusta, they initiate the great Kennebec County Retirement Community Jello War of 2002.
4. When a loitering high school dropout is found dead in the food court, it's up to teen sleuth Amber True to solve the case - and exonerate her best friend.
5. When Eddie Bauer is murdered while visiting a banana republic, detectives Abercrombie and Fitch can find only one witness: Vickie Sbarro. And she's not talking. What is Victoria's secret?
6. Changing room clerk Ida Charles loves reading murder mysteries. But when she discovers body parts left in the pockets of the clothes she's to rerack, she becomes party to a gruesome real-life mystery.
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor;
The query: Short and to the point, like the novel:
Title: Murder at the Mall
Genre: Humorous mystery
Word count: 53,000
Blurb: Someone's been shot at the mall in King of Prussia, Pennsylvania. [Someone from Queen of Siam, New Mexico.] After retrieving the victim's license, bumbling Upper Merion Township detective Roger Dodger [Roger Dodger? That's the name of a movie. A pretty good movie, actually. That's like naming your character Jerry Maguire or Nurse Betty or Lawrence of Arabia.] [Besides, it rhymes, sounds silly, and no kid would survive childhood with that name.] [Change it to Bry'nhth Sirocco.] must go inform Emily Anderson that she has just become a widow, only to find her husband Wayne Anderson, the shooting victim, alive and well at their home. Identity theft? Perhaps. But whose? [Wayne's, of course. Someone had his license. And, apparently, his face.] And why?
Author: I am a recreational shopper living in King of Prussia. [Evil Editor can hardly call that an irrelevant credit for this book, now can he?] For the last twenty-five years I have watched the mall evolve from a collection of connected outdoor shops to the magnificent retail temple it is today. [Join me for weekly worship services outside Godiva Chocolatier.] In my spare time I practice medicine, am raising a family, and read voraciously. [But trust me, all that goes onto the back burner whenever there's a sale at Frederick's of Hollywood.] I also write from time to time.
Enclosures: First five pages; SASE.
Personalized closing: Bearing in mind the volume of queries viewed daily by the typical agent or editor, I believe this format will be a welcome change. [Thank you. Those full-page queries are so tedious. I swear, if someone would send me a one-sentence query, I'd buy the book sight- unseen.] I look forward to your public evisceration (of the query; not the finale of Braveheart starring Evil Editor.)
Sincerely,
Notes
The fact that the dead guy is now alive, and presumably not as a zombie, piques the interest, but I think we want more information about the book, and less about the author. We don't even know if the Andersons remain key characters, or if they have nothing to do with anything. Were there witnesses to this shooting in a mall? Are there suspects?
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19 comments:
Retail temple??? It's the mothership of malls. I live an hour from King of Prussia... love Nordstrom's Salon Shoes!!!
"Guess the Plot" is the game we minions play after reading the title, but before reading the query. If we are still guessing at this point... guess where the query is headed!
"Regular shopper" is a credit? What, that means that you know what a mall is like? What a rare trait!
If I were an agent, I'd trash this query just for being annoying (and it might be considered arrogant to think you know better than the agents what they want to receive in terms of a query letter). Humour is hard to pull off in business correspondence. I don't think you managed it.
Hey I can't wait to hear about this _Soulbound_ story...it is probably about a writer who sells his soul for a great query letter. The ironic twist is that his novel sucks, so although every agent and editor requests a partial, they choke on their own vomit when they read the manuscript and so it never gets published. When is that one coming?
What if you're a regular eBay shopper? Does that count?
Speaking of shopping - Anyone else order an EE shirt? It says 5-7 business days, but I'm on week two already and I desperately await it. I may have to call them tomorrow and get aggressive.
Malls freak me out, so I'm intrigued. I'd like to know more about this book, because I think I'd like it.
My father has a theory that malls are set up to condition teenagers to live in controled, contained environments, so they'll be adapted for life on space stations later. Any sci-fi minions want to run with it?
Ah, EE apparently you've never experienced The King Of Prussia Mall! It is a temple for shoppers, for sure!
As is Woodfield Mall in Schaumburg, Illinois...
I've got those credits too!
And I think you're thinking of the movie Roger Rabbit!
If you make up a blurb and use Veronica and Josie as characters, some of your more astute minions will assess this to be a fake, as we know that comic.
More clever character names oh mighty one; perhaps Thelma and Louise!
Evil Editor doesn't make up the fakes--well, sometimes he contributes one or revises one. To participate in faking out the minions, visit http://EvilEditor.net.
Hmm, let's see. Mall=vast space full of stuff you can buy and consume. Space station=much smaller space with absolutely nothing to buy and consume.
Now, living in a submarine might prepare you for a space station. That or Tilbury.
If this is a humorous mystery I like the name Roger Dodger. A name like that could go a long way towards developing the character. The writer could make the guy witty with a great sense of humor or hard-boiled and nasty like the Boy Named Sue (gotta love Johnny Cash). -JTC
"Roger Dodger" could work, though I would have preferred something a little less obvious. I mean, Buckaroo Banzai turns out to be a good name because the movie was so terrific. If I'd read it in a query, I'd have scoffed.
Personally, I like the premise of the dead guy at the mall being alive and well at home and the case being taken by the bumbling detective. (Though a vampire would be good, too.)
EE's comments are right on: more detail about the plot and less about the fact that the author likes to shop. With fiction, I am learning, credentials don't matter one whit if you've got a great story and can write well. Maybe the author's mall experience would be relevant if this were a nonfiction proposal, but even then I doubt it without corresponding academic credentials.
I am intrigued, however, by the fact that the author practices medicine in his/her spare time. What does that mean? It sounds like a hobby: "I don't feel like reading a book today; I think I'll go practice some medicine."
ver word: szwirl
ver sugg: swirl (well, duh)
I so so so so so wanted it to be number three. Damn, I'll just have to wait longer until somebody finnaly writes a brilliant story about old people throwing Jello.
I agree. Who practices medicine in their spare time? What, is she referring to pulling slivers from her kid's fingers, or performing back-alley abortions? That one line completely threw me.
I am intrigued, however, by the fact that the author practices medicine in his/her spare time. What does that mean? It sounds like a hobby: "I don't feel like reading a book today; I think I'll go practice some medicine."
At my previous day job, I worked for a guy who "kept his hand" in medicine; he's an oncologist at a NYC hospital (not sure which one). The upshot is that he preferred the daily grind of a day at the office, being Chairman of the Board, as opposed to the grind of daily rounds at the hospital. Can't say I blame him (dealing every day with people with cancer has to be extremely tough).
Onto a question of my own...what is a recreational shopper? Is that like a mystery shopper?
Oh, and Roger Dodger? Wasn't that the name of a baseball player whom I can't remember at the moment because I'm otherwise brain dead? (Whew!)
The query seems incomplete to me. Definitely throw in more info about what happens to who, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. And I'd lose the reference to being a recreational shopper. :-)
~Nancy
Author here. Many thanks, both to EE and minions. Sounds like the bottom line is that a "pure hook" isn't quite enough.
My heavens; sarcasm *is* hard to pull off on paper/screen.
The book, though, is quite funny IMHO (and the HO of pretty much everyone who's read it.) All of the characters are caricatures. Roger Dodger had a grandfather who adored the Brooklyn Dodgers and so changed his long, unpronounceable Polish name to "Dodger", only to drop dead of a heart attack when they left Brooklyn. His son, a rabid Yankees fan, named his only child after Roger Maris...hence: poor Roger Dodger, who is always afraid someone is yanking his chain (because they usually are.)
The "Personalized Closing" was directed at EE, and was for purposes of the blog. Versions sent to other agents usually reference things they've mentioned on their web sites (that they like off-beat mysteries, or whatever.)
As for the rest, I'm an MD who's taken up writing in my actual spare time. The reversal was intended to be funny. "Recreational shopper" was a phrase I picked up on the dating scene during the dreadful years between my divorce and remarriage, and used as a hobby in personal ads. (Also used the lines: "I'm 41 but I read at a 43-year-old level" and "Emotional baggage must fit under seat.")
Anyone interested can read the first chapter here. Before anyone goes ballistic, yes it's self-pubbed, but only recently, and only after dozens of passes from NY amidst pleadings from KoP friends and neighbors. No, it's not on Amazon, B&N, Borders, or Lulu. I sent the query to EE mainly because I thought he'd get a hoot out of it. Please don't throw things at me.
At first I thought this couldn't be serious. By the time I finished reading the query, I decided it had to be a spoof of some kind. And it was sounding pretty entertaining.
King of Prussia -- haven't been there in over 15 years but used to love it for filling my evenings when in the area on business. That was before I completely swore off malls. Sounds like I need to make a return visit.
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