Face-Lift 52

Guess the Plot

Closed Legs Don't Get Fed

1. Street hooker Juno Simmons loses weight on Kayne's Workout Plan and doesn't have to mess with RayRay's broke azz anymore.

2. A female demon with a love of big cities and a taste for hip hop feeds on men's souls while engaged in the nasty.

3. A video queen becomes an indentured concubine to Redbone, a roughneck street "financier" with a love of modern art.

4. Razor sharp moves are Daisy Nare's goldmine until rapper Big Baby Z reenters her life and sues her for stealing his trademarked kick-n-split.

5. A woman reincarnated many times, tells of her lives as a boxer's "ho," a royal courtesan, and finally a $1000-a-night call girl.

6. Weaving the stories of five seemingly unrelated women together into a telling commentary on "the oldest profession" and its role in the subversion of the Catholic church.



Original Version

Dear Literary Agent,

Former queen of the "vid-e-ho's" Circe Baptiste has learned three rules of survival: 1.Everybody's working, 2. You ride until the wheels fall off and 3. Closed legs don't get fed. Once the spoiled plaything of hip-hop legends, she is now doing time as an indentured concubine to Redbone. [Something tells Evil Editor he's going to need the Urban Translation Council sitting in his lap to get through this.] [Oddly, the one thing I don't understand so far is how "Everybody's working" is a rule of survival.]

Redbone a roughneck street "financier" with a love of modern art, is serious about his money and hungry for legitimate success. [This is much less interesting now that I realize we're not talking about Leon Redbone.] He takes Circe as payment for a gambling debt, when her lover's dog kidnapping/ransom scheme goes awry. [Okay, let me see if I've got this straight. You have a lover who starts a dognapping business, hoping people will pay millions to get their pooches back. Turns out most of them are happy to be rid of the fleas, hair, vet bills, and urine-stained carpeting. Loverboy tries to recoup his investment in nets and kennels by wagering on the Super Bowl with Redbone, but Redbone wins the bet. Loverboy can't pay off, but to keep from having his legs broken, he offers Redbone his woman (you) as an indentured concubine (translation: ho). And you go along with this?] [Of course you do. A loan shark is a major step up from a dognapper. It's like trading in your '79 Pinto for a '98 Yugo.]

Honor student Nevah Baptiste, fifteen, finds almost every thing and everyone in her life an eye-rolling-teeth-sucking bore. Except for the part where she trades sex for I-Pods and Seven jeans, then ends up missing. [Evil Editor once traded sex for an iPod. Turned out to be filled with Gregorian chants. What a ripoff. Though at least it wasn't alternative rock.] Convinced that her sister's disappearance is a tantrum gone too far, Circe returns home, to comfort her family, escape life with Redbone and put a foot up her little sister's ass.

But when 24-hours become 48,Circe learns a new rule--missing black girls don't make headlines. Forced to navigate a world where under age girls are sold to the highest bidder, [Which is much worse than a world where women are used to pay off gambling debts.] Circe enlists Redbone in the race to find her sister. [Couldn't she enlist Rockford or Mannix or Cannon or Magnum? Instead of this clown?] [How come there aren't any private eye shows on TV anymore? There used to be hundreds.] [Maybe I just answered my own question.] Their treacherous journey will take them from the streets of Chicago, to a sleepy boarder town in Mexico. But is she risking her life to save somebody that doesn't want to be saved?

I am seeking representation for my 90,000 word erotic thriller; CLOSED LEGS DON'T GET FED. [While this title may be an attention grabber, the number of people who are familiar with the expression and who buy books may not thrill most publishers.] A commercial novel with series potential that deals with the subject of middle class teen prostitution, unbalanced media coverage for the missing and a sub plot of a celebrity with a taste for young girls.

If crime fiction and erotic noir had a torrid affair, the love child would be Phoenix Lacy. [Maybe so, but for a moment, the reader has no idea what you're talking about. And once they do, this kind of hype is a turn-off. Chances are the book will be a letdown if it's built up too much. Let the agent determine the identity of your book's illegitimate parents.] Alter ego of __________, writer and peripheral intimate of hip-hop culture. I offer stylized fictional accounts of rumor, innuendo, and facts that I have been privy to or researched over the years. [Shouldn't you be writing a nonfiction tell-all?] [Just between us, which macho rappers are gay? And who's the celebrity with a taste for young girls?]

Thank you for your consideration


Revised Version

Dear Literary Agent,

Honor student Nevah Baptiste, fifteen, finds everything in her life an eye-rolling, teeth-sucking bore--except the part where she trades sex for iPods and Seven jeans. When Nevah goes missing, her big sister Circe, former queen of the "vid-e-ho's," comes home to comfort the family. Convinced that Nevah's disappearance is a tantrum gone too far, Circe intends to put a foot up her little sister's ass.

But when 24-hours become 48, Circe learns that missing black girls don't make headlines. Forced to navigate a world in which underage girls are sold to the highest bidder, Circe enlists her latest man, Redbone, in the race to find her sister. Their treacherous journey will take them from the mean streets of Chicago to a sleepy border town in Mexico. But is Circe risking her life to save someone who doesn't want to be saved?

I am seeking representation for my 90,000 word thriller, Redbone, a commercial novel with series potential that deals with middle class teen prostitution and unbalanced media coverage for the missing. I have an intimate knowledge of hip-hop culture, and have been privy to rumor, innuendo, and facts over the years, thanks to my former position as the spoiled plaything of hip-hop legends.

Thank you for your consideration.


Notes

While sex is obviously going to be part of this book to some extent, I'm not sure how erotic it should be if your goal is to make a statement about unbalanced media coverage, etc.

There are too many typos. Unless you've got the goods on some big names, no one's going to want to edit a book riddled with errors.

While it may be good to prepare an editor for the tone of the book by using that tone in the query, it's probably also a good idea to demonstrate that you can write a professional letter. You will need a business relationship with your publisher, and he/she would like to know if there's a you besides Circe and Phoenix.

Since you plan to make this a series, I suggest that in the next installment, Redbone, flushed with success after locating Nevah, has opened a private eye business that specializes in tracking down stolen dogs.