Sunday, June 04, 2006

Face-Lift 50


Guess the Plot

When Sid was Sid

1. Kyle Polo's best pitch man has just returned from his Swedish vacation--as a woman! Can they still land the lucrative, and deeply conservative, Churchworld account?

2. He was just an ugly guy who couldn’t get a date. Now he enjoys being a girl. Still ugly though.

3. Now that Sid's a donkey, his scheming brother sells him to a farmer, and moves in with Sid's girlfriend Lola.

4. Sid, a Jewish teenager, writes stories that are close to his heart, until he enters the publishing world and is forced to write commercial trash.

5. Jenny harkens back to the time before the solar flare that changed her boyfriend into a transgender vampirous werewolf. But at least now he’s kind.

6. Sid (short for Siddharth) inadvertantly causes a riot following an India-Pakistan cricket match, and must live with the horrible consequences.



Original Version

Dear XYZ:

I am contacting you for my novel "When Sid was Sid" based on your interest in Indian fiction. [Yes, Evil Editor has long loved the legends passed down by the Sioux and Navajo tribes.] Siddharth, a young boy of ten, lights a firecracker in a crowded market in the bustling town of Poona, India. Unfortunately, at the very same moment the firecracker goes off, Pakistan completes a tensely fought victory over India in a cricket match. [Pakistan over India in cricket? That's like the Red Sox or the White Sox winning the World Series. No one's gonna buy this.] The Hindus in the market jump to the conclusion that the local Muslims are celebrating arch enemy Pakistan's victory. [And India immediately launches its nuclear arsenal at Pakistan.] In the angry riot that follows, Siddharth's mother loses her life. Following his mother's death, Siddharth has to make sense of a world that that exerts the harshest punishments for the most trivial of actions.

This incident is only one in a series of matters that compound Siddharth's problems even further. His best friend and neighbor has joined the local right wing Hindu party, and is trying hard to recruit Siddharth into its folds. [To Americans, it may seem silly for a political party to recruit a ten-year-old kid, but in India, an endorsement from the Cricket Riot Kid is analogous to a U.S. party having Barbra Streisand in its camp.] In addition, Siddharth's father has made a career move from making commercial movies to art cinema, which has caused the family to fall upon hard times. [Sure, he's gone from millionaire film mogul to untouchable, but at least he didn't sacrifice his artistic integrity.] [Should have stuck with commercial films, but distributed them in the U.S., where everything foreign is considered art cinema.]

[Great Indian commercial films:
Sleepless in Kanniyakumari
Who Framed Mahatma Rabbit?
Haridas and Krishnamurari Go to White Castle

Great Indian art house films:
The Adventures of Pratishtha, Queen of the Desert
Like Water for Gajar Ka Halwa
My Own Private Rajasthan]


He also applies ceaseless pressure on the naturally left handed Siddharth to be right handed, as the left hand is considered evil in many parts of India. [Especially the northeastern provinces, where all newborns have their left hands cut off to appease the gods and ensure bountiful crops. Of course, if they really wanted more bountiful crops, they'd start by inventing a hoe that can be operated with one hand.] Guided in part by the stories narrated by his mother [Who speaks from beyond the grave.] and grandmother, Siddharth learns to exert his individuality in a confusing and angry world.

This 51,000 word novel is a not a children's story. [No kidding. With death, a riot, right-wing political groups, and babies having their hands cut off, no one's going to think it's Shrek 3.] However, I have chosen a child as the main character as there is no better way to discover unexpected pleasures in a new and foreign land than through the eyes of a child.

I am a communications professional with a Master's Degree from the Annenberg School at the University of Southern California. I grew up in India and feel there is an urgent need for honest perspectives on a country that is becoming increasingly visible in the world, without singling out disparate elements of a complex culture to add to an "exotic" aesthetic. [Without what? I realize you grew up in India, but could you speak English?] I also write a detective series covering the adventures of an Inspector who solves cases based on his stupendous knowledge of world history.

[Inspector Viswanathan: The murderer can only be . . . Doctor Antonio Fleeg!

Fleeg: Confound you, Viswanathan, you've done it again! How did you know?

Inspector Viswanathan: The key was my thorough knowledge of the Treaty of Yalta and the military campaigns of Lucius Quietus. Take him away, boys.]

I have begun work on two novellas on this character for my next project. Please find enclosed a SASE envelope for your convenience. I can also be contacted at ________. Thank you for your time in advance.

Sincerely,


Revised Version

Dear XYZ:

I am contacting you regarding my novel, When Sid was Sid, based on your interest in Indian fiction.

Siddharth, a young boy of ten, lights a firecracker in a crowded market in the town of Poona, India. The firecracker goes off just as Pakistan completes a tensely fought victory over India in a cricket match, and the Hindus in the market jump to the conclusion that local Muslims are celebrating arch enemy Pakistan's victory. In the angry riot that follows, Siddharth's mother loses her life.

This is but the first in a series of events (not the least of which is the sudden downturn of his family's financial situation) that force Siddharth to try to make sense of a world that exacts the harshest of punishments for the most trivial of actions. Guided in part by stories told by his mother and grandmother, Siddharth must learn to exert his individuality in a confusing and angry world.

This 51,000 word novel is a not a children's story; however, I have chosen a child as the main character, as there is no better way to discover unexpected pleasures of a new land than through the eyes of a child. I grew up in India myself, and feel there is an urgent need for honest perspectives on a country that is becoming increasingly visible in the world.

Please find enclosed a SASE for your convenience. Thank you in advance for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

It's not clear whether this remains a series of incidents, or whether it progresses toward a fateful denouement. If there's a momentous, climactic event/decision/whatever, you might mention this.

Yes, Evil Editor is aware that "Kumar" was already an Indian name, so lay off.

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

50,000 words and it's not for kids? Then who is it for? I didn't think many people were buying novellas these days.

Anonymous said...

Sounds interesting to me! Seems like ambitious content for 50k

Evil Editor said...

For the purposes of the Nebula Awards, the categories are defined as follows:

Novel — 40,000 words or more
Novella — 17,500–39,999 words
Novelette — 7,500–17,499 words
Short Story — 7,499 words or fewer

National Novel Writing Month is a fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to novel writing. Participants begin writing November 1. The goal is to write a 175-page (50,000-word) novel by midnight, November 30.

While 50,000 words may limit your field of publishers, what constitutes a novel is subjective.

J. L. Bell said...

Our hero is "a young boy of ten." What is an "old boy of ten"?

Perhaps one who maintains nostalgic ties with his kindergarten.

Beyond that minor point, this query does seem interesting, but it might show more than enough premise and not quite enough promise of a plot--i.e., resolution.

none said...

True, novels can be short. What they shouldn't be, imo, is printed in huge fonts with lots of white space and giant margins to make them appear much more substantial than they are, a la Jane Austen Book Club, which looks a decent length, but isn't.

Anonymous said...

Editing Evil Ed

My first attempt to reply resulted in an error message, so I appologize if this posts twice.

RE: Ed's fourth revision paragraph - lose the word "myself." One can't grow up in India as someone else.

RE: Minimum novel length - I conceded this point before because we were talking about SF/F and Ed sited the Nebula awards as his reference. This story is not Science Fiction. It's Literary Fiction all the way.

Please see Agent Kristen Nelson's Pub Rants blog from May 25 entitled "Too Short."

http://pubrants.blogspot.com/

See also the helpful submission advice from AgentQuery.com at:

http://agentquery.com/format_tips.aspx

That said:

I am not published.

I do not work in the publishing field.

I do write novellas and I desperately want Evil Ed to be correct on this issue. There is, at best, a lot of conflicting information on this topic. I'd welcome an applicable source to back up his opinion on this matter.

AgentQuery.com listed only two agents accepting novellas.

Anonymous said...

Afterthoughts

1. I will go to my grave without being able to correctly spell "apologize."

2. I have read that the download-a-book Web distribution market loves submissions in the 50K range. Fellow minion M.E. Ellis took me to task on this issue last time. Her personal Web site indicates that she uses Web distribution as one of her markets. That's another avenue to explore on your quest for publication.

Evil Editor said...

All I said was that 40 or 50 K was not necessarily a novella. Evil Editor critiques the query letter, not the book. If we had the book in hand we might suggest ways to lengthen it, or we might decide it's perfect as is. And keep in mind that 50,000 words in a book that's 80% dialogue will take up as many pages as 60,000 words in a book that's mostly exposition.

If it takes 70,000 words to get your foot in the door at a publisher, we're talking about a publisher that would pass on The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy without even looking. Also, The Great Gatsby,
Brave New World,
The Catcher in the Rye,
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer.


It's an agent's job to know what's selling, true, but surely some agents keep up with which ten of the thousand publishers out there will gamble on something that's outside the ballpark, but brilliant.

You do, of course, want your book to be thick enough so the title can be read on the spine without a magnifying glass, so you'd better keep it over 50 K, whether you call it a novel or a novella.

Anonymous said...

Belaboring the point...

In terms of the apocryphal query letters for those first novels:

Salinger had a long publishing track record with the prestigious New Yorker magazine. CitR was never queried.

Douglas Adams had scriptwriting credits for Monty Python and Dr. Who prior to submitting HHGttG.

Twain had written full-length non-fiction travel books prior to Tom Sawyer.

Aldus Huxley had been living with Lady Ottolino Morrel, also a patron of D.H. Lawrence and Bertrand Russell. (I'm guessing that this particular fact probably would not have made the query letter, but my point is that it doesn't hurt to be connected.)

Sorry Sir, wrong on Fitzgerald. The year before Gatsby he had scored a hit for Scrivner with This Side of Paradise (72K words).

Anyone with those kinds credits or publishing connections... Query your little pamphlet tract until your heart reaches contentment. I wish you well in whatever era you live and work.

Evil Editor said...

Sorry Sir, wrong on Fitzgerald. The year before Gatsby he had scored a hit for Scrivner with This Side of Paradise.

Wrong about what? Nothing was said about those being first novels. Many people have submitted queries to EE who have publishing histories. The author of When Sid was Sid did not claim to be unpublished.

In any case, the purpose of this forum, beyond bringing laughter to those who find it amusing, is not to critique word count, it's to help writers sound more professional when approaching publishers and agents.

Stacia said...

Following his mother's death, Siddharth has to make sense of a world that that exerts the harshest punishments for the most trivial of actions.


You need to remove a "that".

Anonymous said...

"foot in the door" does not equal "first novel." Ah-kay. So noted.

I don't seek to debate your opinions on what makes a worthy novel/query. Nor am I belittleing your fine blog or generous assistance to so many.

I think maybe I'm just just debating your less-cynical take on the mindset of literary agents currently accepting queries.

To that end, word count counts... I think.

It's a debate that I would love to lose.

Anonymous said...

Paul Auster writes short novels. City of Glass was only about 45,000. And that was published before Auster was well known.

The Crying of Lot 49 is 46,000.

Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle is 52,000.

My God, Amazon is fun.

Evil Editor said...

You need to remove a "that".

The "that" was removed in the revised version. Evil Editor never corrects the original versions.

Evil Editor said...

To that end, word count counts... I think.

So how short is your stuff? Have you tried small presses? It costs less to print a shorter book, so companies with limited funds won't be so bothered by shorter word count. Have you considered trying to combine two of your novellas?

none said...

Hitchhiker's was a hit radio series. Adams was approached to write the novel. Allegedly, it ends where it ends because that was as far as he'd got by the time Pan got so impatient they sent a courier to collect the ms.

Anonymous said...

50 000 words. Novel, novella, call it what you will. But there's a limit to how thin a book can be and still convince me to slap 10 to 15 bucks Canadian down on the counter for it. It's all about the dollar to word ration, man. Dollar to word ratio.

Anonymous said...

oh, and Less Than Zero was 50,000 words, from a totally unknown author.

Anonymous said...

Yves

I am combining four novellas that share a central theme into one manuscript, ala Different Seasons or Paulanick's Haunted. The umpteenth edit is almost done. I'm almost ready to query.

Everybody

I AM NOT SAYING SHORT FICTION IS NOT MARKETABLE!

My thesis is this:

In the year 2006, an author will have a hard time querying a first novel to most agents if it is less than 70K words - if they don't have killer creds or publishing connections.

austerfan

Dude, I have no idea how long Squeeze Play was, but I'm betting that it was longer than Auster's subsequent novels.

Pynchon's first novel was "V" and it was 186,000 words.

Vonnegut's first novel was Player Piano and it ran 98K.

Steinbeck's first novel was The Golden Cup, 68K. The short stuff came later.

Anonymous said...

YES!

Bret Easton Ellis is the first good exception example I've seen.

First novel. No creds. No connections. 51K. Perfect!

THANK YOU!

Anonymous said...

Well thank forks for that. I now look forward to the first post from Dwight the Pleasantly Well-Adjusted Teen...

Antti-Juhani Kaijanaho said...

What's a word ration? Something that the army gives out to war correspondents so that they have words to write with?