Sunday, June 11, 2006

Face-Lift 61


Guess the Plot

The Four Powers: the Amulet of Hope

1. Nine suspiciously familiar characters chase a MacGuffin through pseudo-medieval Europe.

2. Sucked into a whirlpool, a girl finds herself in Nettogrof Forest, facing a man talking to his compass--which is talking back.

3. As the craze for down-sizing hits the G8, the struggle over which nations will get bumped centers on a mysterious amulet.

4. An aging barbershop quartet tries to revitalize its act with a fifth singer, a youngster with a lightning-shaped scar on his forehead.

5. Only by defeating the combined assault of the Zombies of Zorr, the Hellhounds of Garbin, the Werewolves of Weir and the Harpy Witches of Nansket, can Enron regain the Lapel Pin of Conjoinment.

6. The popular Powers sisters are all having an affair with the same guy. He uses an ancient talisman which he hopes will keep his secret safe and his body parts intact.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Would you want to read books with rules? [If you don't read the rule book, you'll be at a big disadvantage, whether in golf, chess, or life. Surely you've read
Bill Gates' Rule Book on Life.]

Since her father’s mysterious disappearance two years ago, avid reader, Raychel Mays, seeks solace in the pages of her beloved books. A wooden chest containing four antique books for her twelfth birthday seems like the perfect gift, however, these are no ordinary books. [It's her father's porn collection.] The books have locks and bizarre rules! [The first rule of The Four Powers: the Amulet of Hope is, You do not talk about The Four Powers: the Amulet of Hope.] Though the rules concern her, [What are the rules?] the anticipation of what she might find within the pages of the locked books is intriguing. [What she might find is intriguing; the anticipation is unbearable.] When she discovers that the key to the first book is her favorite pendant, Raychel is wary, but proceeds to unlock the book. The pages are blank. [What a letdown. It's Al Capone's vault all over.] When she discovers how to make the words appear, she forgets the rules [The second rule of The Four Powers: the Amulet of Hope is, You do not talk about The Four Powers: the Amulet of Hope!] and begins reading.

The land of Knowl suffers under the evil influence of the Dark Lady, but prophesy tells of the One who will defeat evil and restore peace. Four signs precede the One’s arrival, and the fourth sign chooses the Guardian and Companion to the One. Sixteen-year-old Tymothicus (or Tym as he prefers) Kyre is unhappy with his life in the village of Kniht, [I wouldn't want to be a knight from Kniht; it would turn into a Monty Python routine every day.] but never imagined he would be chosen as Guardian and Companion. Now, he must leave Kniht and set out on a journey that leads him into the dark and dangerous depths of Nettogrof Forest to retrieve Pylot, the talking compass. [Does the compass play recorded electronic voices like a GPS system, or does it have an actual mouth?] [It would be kind of weird to be holding a compass that had a mouth that was talking, especially if it didn't have eyes or a nose. Is there a tongue in the mouth?] [Actually, a compass is about the size of a mouth, so if there's a mouth, there's probably no room for a compass needle. Instead of looking at the compass for directions, you would just say, "Which way is north?" And the mouth would say, "That way," and stick its tongue out to the left.] [If they make a movie of this book, the talking compass will probably have a lot of "attitude," like Donkey in Shrek.] [Like, you ask the compass, "Which way is north?" and it says, "Again with the directions? You couldn't find your way out of a handball court, you moron."] With Pylot in his possession, Tym waits for the One to arrive.

The words on the page end and form a whirlpool that pulls Raychel into the book. [The third rule of The Four Powers: the Amulet of Hope is . . . Look out for the whirlpool!] [This is just like The Neverending Story. With one difference: it ends. It does end, right? ]

The Four Powers: the Amulet of Hope, introduces people who must overcome their personal conflicts to unite against a common enemy. [The Zombies of Zorr.] It also explores the theory that their choices (for good or ill) effect who they are and what they will become. [That people's lives are affected by their choices is just a theory?]

If you would like to know more, I will be happy to send a partial or full manuscript for your consideration.

Thank you for your time and attention,


Revised Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Since her father’s mysterious disappearance two years ago, avid reader Raychel Mays has sought solace in the pages of her beloved books. A wooden chest containing four antique books for her twelfth birthday seems like the perfect gift. But these are no ordinary books; they have locks and bizarre rules! Though the rules concern Raychel, the anticipation of what she might find within the pages of the locked books is unbearable. When she discovers that the key to the first book is her favorite pendant, Raychel forgets the rules and begins reading:

The land of Knowl suffers under the evil influence of the Dark Lady, but prophesy tells of the One who will defeat evil and restore peace. Four signs precede the One’s arrival, and the fourth sign chooses the Guardian and Companion to the One.

Sixteen-year-old Tymothicus Kyre never imagined he would be chosen as Guardian and Companion. Now, he must leave the village of Kniht and journey into the depths of Nettogrof Forest to retrieve Pylot, the talking compass. With Pylot in his possession, Tym will await the One.

The words on the page end and form a whirlpool that pulls Raychel into the book.

If you would like to read about Raychel's adventures in my novel, The Four Powers: the Amulet of Hope, I will be happy to send a partial or full manuscript for your consideration. Thank you for your time and attention.


Notes

If this is the first of a four-book series (The Amulet of Hope, The Trinket of Trust, The Talisman of Temerity, and The Bauble of Bliss), this should be mentioned in the query. If it isn't a series, I'm not sure we need "The Four Powers" as part of the title.

It wouldn't hurt to give away some of the rules, just so we know why they concern Raychel.

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear Author:

Please, please consider actually spelling the name "Rachel" or even "Rachael." Throwing in a random "y" in an attempt to make a common name more fantastic is just irritating.

The concept's fun, though. I wish you well.

Stacia said...

Yep. I actually really like the idea of four books that you need keys to open and that have rules for reading them (or using them, or whatever.) It's intriguing, and I'd pick it up just to find out what the rules are.

But the minute I saw "Raychel" I'd put it back down. I can't stand "creatively spelled" names. I would automatically assume the author was only semi-literate, or at least had no respect for the language, and that it was some sort of "experimental" book. I doubt that's the impression you want to portray, Gentle Author.

Anonymous said...

There are those who call me . . .Tym. -JTC

Anonymous said...

I actually like the concept of the story--it sounds like something I would pick up & read, and I love series.

But. PLEASE rethink the names! Not only of the characters but of the places! They are so offputting I would put the book down right away.

Anonymous said...

Spelling aside, I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd heard the name "Raychel Mays" before. It was just eerily familiar. Then I remembered my middle name is "Mae". Duhr.

Anybody familiar with the site "Baby's Named a Bad Bad Thing"? There's a whole section making fun of extraneous Ys in ordinary names. It's a fairly common strategy for trying to make your child's name unique, and yet recognizable. And yes, it inevitably backfires, IMO.

http://www.notwithoutmyhandbag.com/babynames/

Anonymous said...

Anon#1: LOL! That rabbit's dynamite!

Anon#2: I agree that the character and place names need help. Forgotten spelled backwards as a place name? Please.

I hope the author heeds your suggestion.

Saralee

Anonymous said...

Maybe it's me, but I get the distinct impression the book cabinet is ... the nexus of time travel itself!

Anonymous said...

Ditto, ditto, ditto on all the 'y' comments. Just spell the names the way they're spelled in mainstream America (or mainstream wherever in the world you live, if that's not America, I'm not beyond expecting to see Siobahn in a book published by an Irish author.)

Or, barring that because you just can't bear not to have weirdly spelled names, try to mix in letters other than 'y' - maybe some silent 'p's, for example.

Anonymous said...

What Raychel* reads in the first book sounds like a query letter in itself. Then the words pull her in and she has a wonderful adventure. I think the author is trying to use some kind of subliminal thingie here. (I can't believe Dictionary.com has no entry for "thingie"!)
_________________
*I agree -- ick.

Mazement said...

I guess the rules are like a software licensing agreement?

If I were writing a book that could send the user to another universe, I'd want the "no reverse engineering" clause in there, and "no warranty expressed or implied", and especially "in no event shall the author's liability exceed the cover price of the book".

Obviously, if you didn't accept the licensing agreement, you'd have to return the book for a refund.

The only problem with the "Amulet of Hope" story is that apparently the rules are printed outside the book. They're supposed to be on the inside, so that you can't see them until you've unlocked the book and it's no longer returnable.

Rei said...

I was loving it up until this:

"The land of Knowl suffers under the evil influence of the Dark Lady, but prophesy tells of the One who will defeat evil and restore peace. Four signs precede the One’s arrival, and the fourth sign chooses the Guardian and Companion to the One. Sixteen-year-old Tymothicus (or Tym as he prefers) Kyre is unhappy with his life in the village of Kniht, but never imagined he would be chosen as Guardian and Companion. Now, he must leave Kniht and set out on a journey that leads him into the dark and dangerous depths of Nettogrof Forest to retrieve Pylot, the talking compass. With Pylot in his possession, Tym waits for the One to arrive."

Ouch. Ow. Where to start.

1) The names are painful. Both painfully cliche in style and painful to pronounce. I suppose it could have been worse; you could have thrown in apostrophes.

2) Any book that can be summarized into "[Band of Heroes #8182] sets out across [Epic Journey #231] into [Strange Land #1773] to find [Quest Artifact(s) #5120] and defeat [Evil Overlord #3983]" is *extremely* cliche.

The locked books idea was neat. "Fushigi Yuugi with standard fantasy cliches inside the book" is not.

Anonymous said...

I like the "The Historian" and Jasper Fforde-esque aspects best, but the query reads as though the beginning of story is the only interesting part. I've just revealed my bias, but tweaking those story aspects will likely result in a higher concept novel.

Rei has point about the cliches, but I don't think your novel is helpless; look at differing ways Jim Butcher, JK Rowling and Susanna Clarke each approach wizardry. It's all in the execution.












At least find and replace will make editing the names easy :) Congrats on finishing the book.

Anonymous said...

I agree, using "forgotten" and "think" spelled backwards as place names is not good. I know Rowling did it with the mirror of Erised...but I didn't like it there either. Things like that pop out way too easily and yank me right out of the story -- or query.

And I also agree with the spelling "Raychel." Whoever said that once they saw that name, they'd put the book back instantly -- yup.

Anonymous said...

Okay, we should all be beaten for not noticing this earlier: Nettogrof = Forgotten, backwards. Kniht = Think. Tymothicus = Sucihtomyt.

Okay, maybe not the last one. But. Backward = awkward, Mirror of Erised notwithstanding.

Anonymous said...

It worked (kinda) with the Mirror of Erised because it spelled Desire as it would be seen in a mirror. Without that mirror, it just becomes someone using words spelled backward cause they can't think of anything better.

If you have issues with naming people or places, get a book of baby names in several languages, and play around a little--do more than replace or add one letter. And for place names, I like to look at the etymology(sp?) of words. Old English often has an intriguing ring to it. Same goes for a lot of old Norse that is the root of many words we use now.

Just a thought.

I wouldn't put down a book because of the Y in Raychel, but it does look awkward on the page.

Anonymous said...

Good Lord. If the story clicks, are people really going to give a damn how Raychel spells her name? Of all the reasons to stop reading, that one seems pretty arbitrary to me. On the other hand, the reaction has been strong and almost unanimous, so I guess there's a lesson here.

I do agree with the commentary about the backward-spelling place names, because I'd be afraid that the agent or editor reading the query would assume I routinely relied on gimmicks rather than my ability to tell a story.

Anonymous said...

I lose interest as soon as the word "prophecy" appears. (If not before.)

For some creative fantasy name suggestions, just return to this comments page repeatedly and check the word verification. At least half of them could be used as-is or with little modification.

Anonymous said...

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. I will consider changing Raychel's spelling . . .(her father's name was Ray and her mother Chelsea thus the reason for the spelling) and the places spellings. I've had people read the manuscript before and after reading some of the responses here, I wonder why the readers didn't mention the spellings? Oh well, back to the drawing board! :)

Anonymous said...

Much as I hate to do this, I'm going to side with 'shira' over the abundance of y's in the names. It screams "look at me, I'm being different!" in the most awful way.

Anonymous said...

I also was strongly reminded of Fushigi Yuugi. It's a manga where an ordinary girl opens a book and is pulled into a world where she's named the Priestess of Suzaku, and thus has to gather the seven warriors of Suzaku, in order to save the world from... I forget what. But it's kind of RPG-ish, and if you'll forgive me, the world inside your book-within-a-book seems that way as well.

Anonymous said...

RPG-ish? Can somebody translate?

Evil Editor said...

Role Playing Game