Monday, June 19, 2006

Face-Lift 75


Guess the Plot

Of Gods and Men


1. After being irradiated by a mysterious nuclear power plant explosion that leaves the entire Southwest in darkness, the mice are back, and more powerful then ever before. Can George coax the day-dreaming Lennie into challenging the new order, or are they destined to be once again transformed into WB cartoon characters?

2. A story so epic in scope its plot cannot be revealed, with hundreds of characters, including a brutal eunuch and Erku the cynical mercenary.

3. In ancient Greece when deities and mortals share the earth, one woman must choose between love and a mortal life, or a loveless eternity with a god.

4. A woman's view of religion, politics, and housework from the fifth century through The DaVinci Code.

5. Men use the Golden Flagon to outwit the Gods in a successful battle for possession of the women. The Gods say they'll just make some more.

6. The goddess Fortuna Augusta, irritated that a misogynist golf club bears her name, causes a plague of journalists to appear on the eve of a national tournament.


[Evil Editor has shaded in red the parts of the query that give specific information about what happens in the book.]

Dear Agent/Publisher (obviously with their actual name);

I am writing to ask for consideration in being represented by your agency for my novel, Of Gods and Men, the length of which is about 210,000 words. I have plans for it to be the first in a series, [At 210,000 words, it's already a series.] and the second work is currently being written, planned, and outlined. [Hopefully not in that order.]

When I read fiction, what I am most interested in is complete immersion into character, culture, and story. This is what I have tried to reproduce in Of Gods and Men. My notes for the characters, societies, nations, and peoples have become quite extensive. It was my purpose to give the reader a complete vision of the cultures contained within the book, right down to what they eat and the difference in clothing pattern between regions. [Evil Editor suspects you'd be better off cutting 120,000 words, and letting the reader imagine what the characters are eating and wearing.] I wanted to be able to close my eyes and be transported directly to a world that is complete, and that's what I've reproduced. [This whole paragraph is so general, it could be stated in one sentence, and even that sentence would say almost nothing.]

One could call Of Gods and Men a fantasy novel, but it would be a somewhat misleading categorization. For one thing, there is no use of magic, dragons, nascent neo-paganism or overdone medieval pageantry. [So what does it have that makes it a fantasy?] Drawing from the rich tapestry that was the ancient world, the civilizations I’ve created seem almost like one could wake up and suddenly begin reading about them in a history book. [Assuming one was asleep to begin with, of course.] The vibrancy and contrast of and between religion, social values, and personality is what I’ve striven to highlight throughout the book. [I feel like I'm reading the answers to an essay test, written by someone who didn't know there was a test, didn't study, and is hoping to BS his way to a C-.]

The story is strongly character-driven, and the device used to tell the story is decidedly from the point of view of individual characters. [If you mean your story is told from the viewpoint of its characters, it has this in common with 99% of all fiction.] Attempting again to draw upon a realistic history, most of the main characters are decidedly adult (not in a smutty sense, but in a mature sense). They include Goran, a warrior and protector of his fighting faith, Mikal, a member of the royal line whose nature as a sybarite soon catches up with his status as one of his nation’s potential leaders, Domniall, a soldier and adventurer attaches himself to a bid to colonize a foreign and dangerous land, and Erku, a cruel mercenary whose cynicism and callowness eat away at the heart. The younger characters, such as Marcus, a young orphan raised by a brutal Eunuch, Kera and Lara, young women of the royal line whose pampered lifestyles are brought to a crushing end, and Mandos, who is struggling with his position as the son of a brutal chieftain, are not brought out in a slow ‘coming-of-age’ style, but rather thrust into situations of life and death in which they must act with maturity they have not yet earned by virtue of experience and reflection. [A giant paragraph to tell us your characters' names? Their names aren't important. What they do is. What happens in this book?] [Of course, the brutal eunuch is somehow intriguing. The era of the ruthless vigilante sorcerers is long past, and the age of the zombies is coming to a close; the brutal eunuch epoch is upon us.]

The backdrop of the story is warfare, in which the theocratic Kingdom of God fights both a civil war between rival claimants for the throne, and attempts to repel an invasion from the Vergall, a people based mostly on the Celts of our own history.

Adding to and enriching everything is a whole world at the disposal of the reader, complete with hundreds of characters, many distinct cultures, and stories of travel and complicating mystery of the world beyond what is known to the characters who are telling the story. [This says nothing.]

I confess that I have no published writing credits. Despite this, I believe the quality of my prose will outweigh this. I am currently a student at Purdue University, and have every intention of beginning my legal and graduate studies concurrently sometime next year. I have a love affair with history, and with Greek and Latin. My concern with ancient history and the stories therein was a large motivator in my writing. Thank you for your reflection and the time you have spent considering my submission.

Peace be with you and yours,


Notes

The query gives almost no information about the book. Why should I care about any of these characters? My advice: trash the whole thing, choose one or two characters, and tell us what happens to them, what motivates them, what difficulties they must overcome. Make us want to know what happens to the characters, so we'll want to read the book. It's a novel, not a history book.

Also, lay off the "I" stuff (I reproduced, I created, I strove to highlight). It sounds like you're talking about your child. We're all proud of our books, but the more you sound like you think you've written the greatest book in literary history, the less seriously you'll be taken.

Clearly I can't provide a revised version when there's no plot given. I couldn't even come up with a description for "Guess the Plot." Back to the drawing board, my friend. And consider cutting the book length substantially as well.

32 comments:

Anonymous said...

Purdue! Once, when I was in band camp... I went to Purdue and drank a beer bong that started from the third floor balcony all the way to the ground.

And I didn't throw up.

Dear Query-er: Do not be discouraged by Evil's evil-doing... he's just trying to make you a better writer. Your characters names are interesting, and I'd like to get a look at that brutal eunuch.

Anonymous said...

(I think we could use more zombies. Of course I'm naturally predisposed.)

I too feel for the queryer, but if this is a college kid, there's plenty time to learn.

Anonymous said...

Dear Queryer,

You need to read up on what query letters typically contain, or you won't be taken seriously by whoever reads this. As an abbreviated list:

a) The letter should only be one page long.
b) If you have no writing credits, don't mention that fact.
c) Learn what credits actually impress people in the publishing industry. Your future studies aren't on the list.
d) It doesn't matter how much fun you had writing the book - the people you're querying are only interested in whether other people will want to read it. Don't talk about your love of history and attention to detail; talk about the story and try to make it sound like something that would sell well.

Finally, new writers don't get to publish books as large as this, even in the heavyweight-friendly genres of fantasy and historical novels. 120 000 words is pretty much the upper limit. You need to either prune this monster or split it into two books.

Good luck with it.

PJD said...

What, no vampires?!?

Brutal Eunuch Epoch would be a great name for a heavy metal band.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 1, you think those names are interesting? Wait until you get a load of the 200 other names in the book! You know, for those hundreds of characters that we are supposed to care about. Even in a 210,000 word novel, I have to believe that he could only devote 1 or 2 sentences to each character if there are literally hundreds of them.
I think EE is spot on with this book. Based on the description, it is not a book, so much as a list.

gbrkiv: the name of the brutal wife that made the eunuch what he is today.

Julia said...

I feel like I'm reading the answers to an essay test, written by someone who didn't know there was a test, didn't study, and is hoping to BS his way to a C-.

You made me spit my coffee on my laptop!

I also noticed that author likes the word "decidedly". Really likes it.

Anonymous said...

I don't even pick up books that thick. Does that make me shallow, er, thin?

The Rejected Writer said...

I do wonder if the writer of this query letter isn't a MMORPG player. This sounds like someone who has spent countless hours developing characters for Age of Empires or World or Warcraft. In those situations, all of the details and the minutae of history matter. Unfortunately, this does not translate well into the world of real people interested in paper-and-ink books. Sorry

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the rough treatment!

At the risk of sounding like a masochist... Seriously, I actually do appreciate it. My query was crap, and I know that now. Time for a radically different approach. Can I submit another query, or is this a one-shot thing?

I'm not discouraged by evil-doing, I'm rather energized by it. I think I could split it in two, because of how it's structured.

Oh, and I have never played any MMORPG's... It's probably a case of being over-excited about certain features that aren't good selling points.

Anonymous said...

I thought something similar, trj, and wondered to myself if he hasn't already got a tie-in rpg in the works--or just means to imply that the possibility is there.

-A, who was reading the Deadlands source book just last night

Evil Editor said...

Try, try again. Send it as a comment. I'll alert the minions when it's there, and we won't be shy about letting you know if you're on the right track.

Carla said...

I'd guess this is a fantasy novel because it's set in an invented world, but not a fantasy novel because it doesn't have magic (as the writer says). Is there a recognised name for that category?

The title 'Of Gods and Men' makes me expect that one or more gods are going to play a major role in the story, and also makes me expect a fantasy with supernatural forces. But although there might be a religious war going on if the Vergall are of a different faith, no gods are mentioned by name in the letter. If the story doesn't feature magic or supernatural forces at all, you might want to consider changing the title to reflect that.

The letter doesn't give the plot, but that doesn't necessarily mean the book doesn't have one. I'd be interested to see the revised query.

Anonymous said...

Another brilliant critique. Did anybody notice the gem "Hopefully not in that order"? Of course, the comparison to the unprepared exam-taker was also priceless...

Anonymous said...

Purpose of term papers: to show professors how smart you are.

Purpose of novels: to entertain readers.

Purpose of queries: to make EE think the book will sell so well he can afford to hire another minion to steam the stamps off SASEs.

This query seems to have the purpose of a term paper (EE's comment is both hilarious and accurate). Make sure the book has the correct purpose before proceeding.

Brenda said...

Sí, No Tengo Cojones

Dang it. I'm recovering from pneumonia and you just sent me into a laughing/coughing fit.

Anonymous said...

Oh, dude, you need to read the backs of every Guy Gavriel Kay novel and use them as the basis for writing your query. I would suggest the back copy for The Lions of Al-Rassan.

Against a backdrop of war, four men find a way to blah, blah, blah...

Don't describe your style--it makes you look like a boob. Don't, don't, DON'T go into minute detail as to your research notes or how many words are devoted to period clothing and architecture.

Stick to the gist, man, the gist!

Sheesh, if I tried to sum up all the characters in my 400k-word behemoth of a project, it would take ten pages. Pick one or two or three, or maybe four characters, describe (briefly!) how they interact to change their world, and leave it at that. Cause, yanno, I couldn't even finish reading your letter. My eyes glazed over about a third of the way through. And not being an agent, I'm not stuck reading a hundred of them a week, so you can assume their bullshit tolerance is much lower than mine.

Anonymous said...

And I would call the genre "Alternate History."

It's largely what Guy Gavriel Kay writes, and as soon as I began reading this query, I thought of him. Although GGK incorporates a little magic in some of his stuff, he is writing more and more what this author does--an alternate history based on ours. His last book was about the Vikings (he called them Erlings); but he's done the struggle to drive the moors from the Iberian peninsula; and the glory of the Byzantine Empire. I'm sure his research is meticulous--but I bet he didn't say that in his query!

Carla said...

For what it's worth, my objection to the title was to 'Gods' if the book doesn't have any supernatural in it. 'Men' is fine by me.

I was thinking of GGK too. Though I doubt he has to write query letters any more.

Anonymous said...

Hey! This is Texas and we only speak English. Comprende? -JTC

Daisy Bateman said...

Much better, but still way too long. I hope you don't mind if I attempt a little evilish editing of my own:

I am requesting representation for my novel. Of Gods and Men, complete at 190,000 words, is a fantasy with an alternate history bent, set in a world based on (whatever it was).

The story takes place in the Kingdom of God, a theocratic state ruled by its prophet-king, the Divine.
After the Divine is killed, the kingdom descends into a bloody civil conflict. In the west, the bastard-born orphan Marcus is thrust into this situation after fortune delivers him from the care of a brutal eunuch, and the choice of who to support in the coming conflict is decided for him by his mentor, Goran.
After his master is killed, Marcus, who is made leader of part of the forces backing one of the contenders for the throne, Mikal Praetens, uncle of the former Divine. But another complication is thrown into mix when a former mercenary helps to lead a massive invasion of the Kingdom of God from the southeast. The invaders, with as much religious fervor as their enemies, will stop at nothing but conquest of the fractured kingdom.
The Godsmen are defeated in the southern end of the Kingdom, throwing the civil war into a new dimension.
The story winds down as Mikal and Marcus sail south to seek allies, and finally meet so that Mikal can make his bastard nephew heir to the throne.

Thank you very much for the time spent considering my submission. I look forward to hearing from you.

Peace be with you and yours,


This could probably use even more cutting, but I wasn't completely sure what was the main through-line of the story. Remember, the idea of the query is to give the reader a sense of what the book is about, not to make him feel like he's already read it.

Anonymous said...

Dear Evil Agent,

I am currently seeking representation for my 190 000 word alternate history/fantasy novel, Of Gods and Men.

When the Divine, leader of the Kingdom of God, is killed, the nation is plunged into a bloody civil conflict. The Divine's uncle, Mikal, vies with his brother for the throne. As chaos threatens to destroy the Kingdom, former mercenary Domniall leads into the Kingdom an invading army of (who?) bent on conversion of the Godsmen. Sailing south to seek allies, Mikal must find a way to save his kingdom not just from the invaders, but from itself.

Based in part on our own history, Of Gods and Men explores how humanity--from kings to slaves--copes with blah de blah de blah in a changing world.

I received an honorary degree in history from South Wherever University and have been a regular contributer to Big Fat Fantasy magazine. I have enclosed an SASE for your reply. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely, author.

Anonymous said...

Yanno, even that wasn't great, cause we don't know anything about Mikal other than he's the Divine's uncle, or anything about Domniall other than that he's a former merc. Has Domniall found religion, or was he hired to lead the army? Does he believe in his cause, or does it eat at his conscience? What makes Mikal different from his brother? Is there anything cool about him, like he's a leper or a priest? Is he righteous or corrupt, what's his agenda? Does he envision a utopian society, or just more of the same old same-old?

The purpose of a query is to give a (maximum one page) peek into the story, focusing on those main characters an agent would find the most intriguing. But you have to give some reason WHY they are interesting, or WHY the scenario makes a great story.

What you need to do is come up with a hook--one or two sentences (or a question and then the answer) that will pull the agent in. Then elaborate (not too much) on the characters and plot. Sometimes it's good to end with a question, like, "Will Mikal find the strength to save his world, and attain the throne?"

This takes work and perseverence. I currently have about twenty different query versions stored in my computer. That's how many I wrote before I found one I liked. Read the flap copy of even big books, like any of George RR Martin's, then read the book itself. That will tell you something about what to put in and what to leave out.

Personally I love big thick books, and multi-plot stories, so there is an audience for your work. Try try try, and good luck!

wd ver. ndekyo

Daisy Bateman said...

I take mine back; kis's is better.

Anonymous said...

I totally thought number 2 was a joke, and then when I started reading, I nearly died laughing when I realized that was the plot description.
"Adding to and enriching everything is a whole world at the disposal of the reader, complete with hundreds of characters, many distinct cultures, and stories of travel and complicating mystery of the world beyond what is known to the characters who are telling the story." So it's like choose your own adventure! If you don't like the main character's I can go off with I'gi'nirathy and find out what he's up to as he travels to Lrtiwo (my verification word). But keep trying query-er. The largest problem is that you don't really know how to write a proper query letter. Keep at it!

Luna said...

210,000 words?! 190,000 words?! AND you're a student? Holy crap, I wish I'd had that much time to write when I was in college.

I'd only read this book if you had a new spin on a the old "religious war rips pesudo-historical kingdom asunder", and I'm just not getting it from any version of this query.

Then again, I'm just a cranky minion, not an evil editor.

Anonymous said...

Shulgi.

He's my dog (a bassett hound). But how do you know him?

Anonymous said...

I bet this is an interesting book, but I still don't see it in your query. You are still missing the "Ah" factor. It still doesn't compell a person to want to know "what happens next?" What makes this story different from any other invasion war conquest type story? I didn't see it at all. What made you write this story? What kernel of an idea became this book? Maybe it's the Gall that are the original concepts for your book, they were the most interesting to me but the least discussed. You've got to hook the reader and I don't think your queries do that yet. I also think that your laundry list of murder, rape, etc. isn't helpful here as it doesn't really tell me anything about the story other than that murder and rape occur, which is a foregone conclusion given your storyline.

Again, I commend you for working on this, I think query letters are the hardest things in the world to write well.

Anonymous said...

Of Gods and Men is a fantasy/alternate history story with more than one main character and a large supporting cast, and makes the attempt to immerse the reader in its massive setting.

I would turn this, along with the previous bit, into, "Of Gods and Men is an epic fantasy, complete at 190,000 words." This implies everything that you just said, but includes the awareness that you are not the first to do it. The way you put it, "attempt" = "makes the attempt, but doesn't succeed." "Massive" = "unwieldy". While this story is technically alternate history, it's not what people think of when they hear that label.

And then start the new paragraph with "The Kingdom of God is ruled by a prophet-king, the Divine. After the Divine is killed..." It should be apparent from all these spiritually-laden terms that we're talking about a theocracy--you needn't say so explicitly.

Anonymous said...

urnamma-

You're a wordy kind of guy. Part of me likes that. I have also been accused of being wordy. But excess verbage has no place in a query letter. If you want to give the agent an idea of your style, a few well-chosen, not-so-common words should do it. Adverbs are a thing to avoid when possible--both in a query and a novel.

frowned angrily=scowled

Walked soflty=sneaked or skulked or tiptoed, whichever is best.

I myself am an ENORMOUS fan of George RR Martin. I appreciate any author who aspires to the level of authenticity and realism he has achieved. But his query (if he had to write one) for A Storm of Swords, likely mentioned this aspect in passing. The characters need to come first. You have to give us a reason to care about them, and an idea of what happens in the novel--even if it's just the basic premise. Then you finish with something like:

In a fully realized world of warring cultures, the final hope for humanity is...

Your plot paragraph should give an idea of the scope of the novel. The word "epic" ought to relate that as well. If you read the flap-copy for A Storm of Swords, it dwells mainly on the Stark family. They do comprise a large part of that first volume, but so many things don't get mentioned at all. This is what a query should do. Focus on the most important part of your story, throw in a sentence or two relating the subplots (no names necessary) and give an idea of how it ends. No need to give it all away--that's what your synopsis is for.

And if you want advice on how to write THOSE, I'm afraid I suck at them big-time.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and no "humbly"s, please. You're a professional (at least that's the impression you want to convey, even if you're unpubbed), not a supplicant.

I've been seeing so much self-deprecating stuff lately. You don't want the agent to feel reading your letter as if you're on your knees, clinging to her pant-leg and begging. Stick with formal politeness--it always makes a good impression. Let your work speak for itself.

Anonymous said...

urnamma,

Better, but it's still too much info and too many words. Instead of "The story takes place in the Kingdom..."

Just start with "In the Kingdom..." and go from there.

Any word or phrase that can go, MUST go. I can't stress this enough. Being a fan of flowery language, I know how hard it can be.

Best thing you can do is start in WORD with a print layout view, stick your particulars in the header, the imaginary agent's on the left, leave a space and then the date, leave another space or two and then "Dear Agent." Then have a real good look at the space you have to work with. You can't have margins less than one inch. You can't have a font less than TNR 11 (TNR is best for space--believe me, I've experimented!). If you can't make your letter fit, with a space between paragraphs and at least an inch at the bottom (not the margin, cheater!)for your signature, then you have to shrink it somehow.

You want to excite them in as few words as possible. Make every single word count! Stick to the very basic need-to-know- aspects of the plot, and change your sentence structures to save space.

Keep plugging away at it; every time you post, I see improvement! :)

Anonymous said...

Urnamma,

You know, I have about ten versions of query letters, all with different hooks, and about five different mini-synopses that go in the middle.

What you might do is take a break for a day or two, then sit down with a fresh, blank screen and try to write a totally different letter. You may still end up using a modified version of this one, but for me, it was a great exercise in being able to put my book into a paragraph or two.

You may even find you need a second version at some point. When a very nice agent who shall remain nameless requested a partial, she wanted a second cover letter highlighting my "pitch," and basically giving an overview of the novel, again. Because she had the original letter stored in her email files, I couldn't just use the same one.

Isn't it just wonderful to know you may have to go through ALL of this over again! Best idea, have a few distinct letters on hand, for this purpose, and just in case you don't get any nibbles on your first round. If it's the letter that isn't dazzling, you can always use a different one for your next round of queries.

And watch for run-on sentences. It's not that hard to split them up, and they do stand out in something short like a query letter. :)