Friday, June 09, 2006

Face-Lift 56


Guess the Plot

Pale Girls Shaped Like Crucifixes

1. Her career in eclipse, supermodel Kate Moss combines fundamentalism with heroin and emerges with the year's hottest trend. The Opus Dei crowd is not amused.

2. Life in seventeenth-century Holland is so dull that sometimes Hans starts to get funny ideas about the windmills.

3. In the mortifying world of teen popularity, an eating disorder is almost compulsory - especially when you're teetering on the brink, and your best friends are determined to "help" you.

4. The new girl in town seduces Mickey. So how can he say No, when she later asks him to blow up the nuclear power plant?

5. Four girlfriends, all intended vampire victims whose supernatural attackers didn't finish the job, band together and use their ghoulish powers to fight the bloodsucker population in a rural Maine town.

6. The Crucifix Killer is back, killing only pale-skinned women. As his victims accrue, business booms in tanning salons across Manhattan.


Original Version

After watching the stars together one last time, Mickey Sullivan's grade-school love, Miranda Taverse, has a mental breakdown and is hospitalized. [She cracked under the pressure of Mickey constantly calling her "Virgo."] He can only communicate with her through cryptic phone calls,

[Ring . . . ring.

Miranda: Hello?

Mickey: The elm tree is on the kettle drum.

Miranda: And the barge is floating upstream.

Mickey: The hand is quicker than the eye.

Miranda: And the pen is mightier than the sword.

Mickey: But nothing is blacker than the crow at midnight.

Miranda: Dog is man's best friend.

Mickey: But whose best friend is one of those wooden Chinese puzzle balls?

Miranda: Talk to you later.]


and he eventually forgets that he ever loved her.

Four years later, Miranda still battles mental illness, and a strange girl named Riho [who is extremely pale and shaped like a crucifix] appears in Mickey's town who will ultimately reunite him with Miranda--but not before she seduces him herself and mysteriously asks him to blow up the town's nuclear power plant. [Women. They have no use for men, until they want the gutters cleaned or the nuclear power plant blown up.]

Under Riho's spell, Mickey seeks to destroy the power plant that provides electricity to all of the American southwest--[That's one big power plant. Fortunately, it's completely unguarded, so Mickey should have no trouble slipping in with a truckload of dynamite.] to reveal the stars that have been lost behind decades of light pollution. [Does Mickey consider the possibility that he will die of radiation poisoning before the nuclear cloud from the explosion dissipates enough to expose the stars? Nah, he's just a kid. A 20-year-old kid.] When the lights go out, the stars will shine for the first time since Mickey said goodbye to Miranda. [Presumably you don't mean that literally; they said goodbye four years ago, and the stars have been lost behind light pollution for decades.]

"Pale Girls Shaped Like Crucifixes" is a 74,000-word, completed work of literary fiction. It is a wryly humorous tale of ordinary and extraordinary people who fight love, illness, and the oppression of dysfunctional families. [The big three of literary fiction.] It offers hope for the future, and I have drawn on the experiences of a close friend who has endured mental illness like Miranda's to lend realism to that hope.

A synopsis, sample chapters, or the entire manuscript are available at your request. Enclosed are the first ten pages and an SASE for your convenience. Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,


Revised Version
[Minor revisions to the three plot paragraphs--the rest seems fine.]

After stargazing one last time with her grade-school love Mickey Sullivan, Miranda Taverse has a mental breakdown and is hospitalized. She and Mickey can communicate only through cryptic phone calls. Eventually, Mickey forgets that he ever loved Miranda.

Four years later, Miranda continues to battle mental illness, and a strange girl named Riho appears in town. Riho will ultimately reunite Mickey with Miranda--but not before she seduces him herself and mysteriously asks him to blow up the town's nuclear plant.

Under Riho's spell, Mickey seeks to destroy the power plant that provides electricity to all of the American southwest, thus revealing stars that have been lost behind decades of light pollution. When the lights go out, the stars will shine for Mickey . . . for the first time since he said goodbye to Miranda.


Notes

It's not clear whose family is dysfunctional, or how big a role Miranda plays once Mickey forgets he ever loved her; whether those are more important plot points than the nuclear plant, EE doesn't know.

15 comments:

s.w. vaughn said...

Ah-ha! Wait -- nope. Still don't understand the title.

Great title, though. Definitely intriguing. And I believe there was a title discussion somewhere around here too, which rendered titles moot anyway (unless there's a polar bear in them).

I'd pick up Pale Girls Shaped Like Crucifixes off a shelf and read the back cover. :-) Might even buy it, too.

Rei said...

I agree. Great title, but a very confusing letter. My big "huh?" points:

* Hospitalized for a "mental breakdown" for four years? You mean "permanently, involuntarily committed", which requires a permanent problem and a continued, long-term, reoccurring danger to the outside world and a legal process to back it up. Generally schizophrenia would be the problem. Are you going to mention who she keeps stalking, trying to kill, or in general what the heck is wrong with her?

* We have a "town" that produces enough power to run *all* of the US's southwest? Huh? Do you realize how much power LA alone sucks? The US has almost a terrawatt of energy generating capacity; even the monstrous three gorges dam in China will only produce 18GW when it's fully online, and it will be the world's largest by a good bit. Most large plants produce only hundreds of MW. Do you realize how expensive it would be to run that much power across that much distance? How wasteful it would be? There's absolutely no reason for it, either. It wouldn't be a nuclear "plant" that would generate that sort of power, but a monstrous nuclear *complex* sprawling over dozens to hundreds of square miles of land. You just can't build individual turbines that big, nor would you want to. Furthermore, nuclear power plants generally have to go offline to change their fuel; they have relatively high amounts of downtime, so you *need* other power plants to take up the slack. And even if that wasn't the case, electricity reliability is a fundamental part of the US economy; no "single power source" plan would ever be approved. This is just completely illogical to the point where I just can't suspend disbelief.

* A random kid is supposed to be able to blow it up? *Oh Really?*

* The kid can't find a place to see stars in the *desert southwest*? Then drive to Mexico. Head out into the ocean, whatever. And where did all of the light come from in four years?

* Is Riho even human? Is this the sequel to FLCL?

I love the title, but the plot (as described) has more holes than New Orleans' levee system.

Anonymous said...

I'm having trouble with the unlikelihood of one nuclear power plant powering all of the Southwest.

The stars in the Northeast are already lost behind decades of light pollution; and a single nuclear power plant powering much of the region is marginally more believable there, too.

Daisy Bateman said...

Yep, major believability problems with the plot. Even if you live in LA, a couple of hours driving will put you in the middle of the desert, where you can see all the stars you want. No eco-terrorism required.

Anonymous said...

I think I know!

Are the pale girls shaped like crucifixes constellations that are newly visible in the un-light-polluted sky?

Stacia said...

Who was it who said all unhappy families are unhappy in their own way?

I'm beginning to think he was wrong.

I think the story sounds funny, mostly because I'm dying to know why anyone would be so stupid as to think he would still be alive to stargaze after blowing up a nuclear power plant, or why he wouldn't see right away that that's essentially mass murder. But I can also see some humorous ways to resolves that, and I love the title.

none said...

It's Tolstoy--the opening to Anna Karenin(a).

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

Joyce Ellen Armond said...

I liked the title as well, so much I was moved out of lurk to say it!

Very evocative. But like most others, the query did not give me a picture of what the story would be about.

I have to pause and thank Evil Editor, because now my query is no longer coy, but lays the plot down in one paragraph.

Thank, EE! I finally got it. I think. We'll see soon!

Anonymous said...

Hi all, I'm the original author. A cookie to whoever asked if it's an FLCL sequel...it was *slightly* inspired by it.

Thanks for all who liked the title, and also to those who pointed out the problems with the plot. For those wondering, yes, Miranda is schizophrenic--and EE kind of nailed one of the problems with their conversations currently (but I am working on fixing that).

Also, the majority of the story *is* magic realism. So to any still commenting: knowing this would it be easier to believe? I suppose I should mention that in the query too.

And to any worried about nuclear radiation and lots of people dead: from my research, it's actually far easier to cause a non-nuclear explosion in a nuclear power plant than a nuclear one, which is the case here. I didn't bother specifying in the query, but it's just a normal explosion that knocks the plant out of commission, no nuclear fallout.

Thanks EE! I'll try to correct some of the confusion and add in the magic realism bit.

Anonymous said...

Kyle-

seriously, what does the title refer to. I haven't slept for two days wondering.

Please, for the sake of my health.

Tim

p.s. sounds like an interesting book.

Anonymous said...

Tim--

For the sake of your health, the title means a couple things. The pale girls it refers to are Miranda and Riho. As for the "Shaped Like Crucifixes" part...

First, metaphorically it refers to how Mickey's suffering at the hands of Riho inadvertantly saves Miranda by allowing them to be reunited, as well as how Riho gives up Mickey at the end so that he and Miranda can be together. Basically, it refers to characters' suffering to bring salvation to other characters by alluding the cross.

It also refers to the shape Miranda takes by spreading her arms right before she attempts suicide by jumping off a building.

Oh yeah, and the psychotic girl I based Miranda off of came up with it and I thought it sounded cool, so I named the book that ;)

P.S. The southwest my nuclear power plant provides power to actually only includes the four corners....so no California, no LA.

Anonymous said...

Not believing one power source for the entire four-corners region, either.

Nor that we can't see the stars in, say, notheastern Arizona, or along the Colorado/New Mexico border, or just north of the Grand Canyon. The level of pollution needed to block out all the stars in such remote places would be so heavy that people in the more populated areas that have serious pollution now would pretty much be dead.

Also, this is a part of the country interested in wind and solar power, not to mention an area where a lot of people talk about getting off the grid one way or another. Getting from here to a world where Arizona, Utah, Colorado, New Mexico--as well as the various Indian reservations they contain--are all dependent on a single nuclear power plant--is a significant leap.

Rei said...

Specifying "magical realism" will really, really help with the believability problems.

Hehe, I thought I could sense a hint of FLCL in there ;) Actually knowing that it was somewhat of an inspiration for the book, even if just a small one, gives me a much better idea of what the book's feel is like. I assume that "slightly" means that there are no robots coming out of people's heads and that Riho doesn't drive a Vespa and attack people with a guitar that has a pull starter ;) I.e., I'm guessing that you have the same sort of "modern mystical" feeling, the same sort of relationship dynamics between the MC and the "new girl", but none of the random insanity of FLCL. At least, that's what I felt from the query letter.

If it does get made into a movie, however, you *have* to get The Pillows to do the soundtrack ;)

Anonymous said...

rei--

Yep, no robots coming out of people's heads and no vespas or guitars used as weapons--although one of my characters does carry around a guitar. But yeah, hopefully I've given it the same "modern mystical" feel you described as FLCL having, and the same relationship dynamics--except Riho's not an alien. And it'd be a crime for the Pillows not to do the soundtrack for the movie considering that's what I was listening to when I wrote most of it ;)

Anonymous said...

and to those of you who say that they would read it cover to cover, maybe you should tell some editors that (Hint, Hint, EE) I HAVE read it cover to cover, and it is really quite wonderful and I think an applicable piece of literature for our time (granted, in the preliminary draft and "final...ish" draft I have there are definitely a few things that could be improved, but give it a chance.