Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Face-Lift 79


Guess the Plot

Shadow Walk

1. Little Bo Peep loses part of her flock in Death Valley. She takes her staff on an epic stroll to find them, comforted by Rod, a Basque sheep whisperer.

2. If light can not reach it, Brandon can hide in it, no matter how small the shadow. As a shadow-walker, Brandon explores the shady secrets of upper class New York--until he falls in love with a transparent heiress.

3. Orpheus Rosencranz must save his girlfriend from eternal damnation by lulling demons to sleep with his harmonica.

4. A cloning experiment in Area 51 creates a hybrid of a human and an alien, a hybrid that proves to be . . . the Antichrist!

5. When dancer Coco Osborne unexpectedly becomes a zombie, she's discouraged by her newfound stiffness. She invents a dance for zombies--the Shadow Walk--that takes the nation by storm. Will zombies finally be accepted?

6. On February 2nd, a family of groundhogs organize a 2k walk to raise money for their mother’s much needed gastric bypass surgery.


Original Version

Dear:

Since the dawn of man, war has raged in the conflict between good and evil. [It's not like there were countries at the dawn of man; there weren't even enough people to choose sides.] [Only later, when men had reached a higher level of intelligence, did the idea of wiping each other out en masse occur to them.]

Sir, a seemingly benevolent alien being, has captured some of our most powerful military and political organizations, [Yes but what's the name of this alien being? Oh, and no need to call Evil Editor "Sir."] especially the famed Area 51, which is not supposed to exist.

What really goes on there? [Didn't you ever watch Roswell? No, neither did I; it was on WB.]

Shadow Walk provides a chilling tour into the secretive experiments at Area 51, and its subsidiary, The Institute, located at the Dulce Base in New Mexico.

The Institute's goal is to combine the so-called, alien and human DNA, [So-called? Meaning what?] and clone a hybrid with an unlimited life span.

The Institute launches their only successful Hybrid, Salim Ahshatan, [Who was in charge of naming it? A fantasy author?] into power, rule and the beginning of the Great 7 year Tribulation. The Antichrist has risen.

I have completed Shadow Walk and would like to have you represent me in selling this and my other works-in-progress. I am interested in your evaluation of its commercial potential and any recommendations that you might have on how to make it a better book. [I have a hunch there's nothing you could do to this book that wouldn't make it better, but my favorite suggestion would be to skip the alien/human hybrid, which has been done to death, and do a shark/rhinoceros hybrid.] [Rhino body, shark head, but with horn.] [And fish tail.]

Thank you very much for your time and attention. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

This is not a query letter. It's an outline. It's a list of the topic sentences of your synopsis. It's how the robot on Lost in Space would respond if you read it your book and then asked it to summarize it. Except that at the point where you say, The Antichrist has risen, the robot would flail its arms and say "Danger, Will Robinson, Danger." It's hopeless.

You're not being judged on your plot alone, you're being judged on your writing ability. The agent is going to think your entire book is a series of one-sentence paragraphs with no cohesion, no flow, no life. You need to read every query letter in this blog, and hope a light bulb comes on over your head. Then start over from scratch.

19 comments:

BJ Fraser said...

Wait, how'd we get from the dawn of time to Area 51 to the Antichrist?

Anonymous said...

I think there must be some missing pieces -- for instance why does the alien hybrid clone, raised in the US, have a vaguely Arabic sounding name rather than something like Clone #1. Otherwise, I confess I'm pretty lost here.

Word verification Aqeawljn might make a good alien hybrid clone name.

Ann

Anonymous said...

I think the author should scrap this idea and start a novel based on #2. What's that? Oh. His current idea smells like #2? That's a bit harsh. -JTC

Beth said...

Judging by the punctuation, I thought "Sir" must be the name of a character. But he never showed up again...

Anonymous said...

I rather like #2. Hmm...

Oh, no. I do not need another plot bunny right now!

Anonymous said...

Wow, EE, I'm surprised you passed on that JTC comment, that's pretty brutal.

Anonymous said...

I think the author's problem here is that she/he doesn't have any characters.

Author, go back and figure out if there's anyone in your story who cares about the rise of the alien/hybrid antichrist. Anybody fer it? Agin it? That's your story.

Saralee

Stacia said...

And how many words is it?

The hubs and I just bought the first few seasons of The X-Files on DVD, so I'm intimately familiar with this plot now, having seen more plots to cover up alien/human hybrids with special powers who can't be killed and will probably destroy humanity than I can even count--we're almost done with Season Three, and there are approximately 5 episodes relating to this per season.

Amd it wasn't original when they did it, either, which is why you need to point out in your query what makes your book different, what sets it apart.

Anonymous said...

Most people don't write like they query--it's not easy making these sing. I needed a week and my writer's group to make any headway in mine.

Keep at it, Mr/Ms Alien Antichrist!

Rei said...

Another backwards name?

"Salim Ahshatan" -> "Natahsha Milas"

I don't know why authors do backwards names. The thought never even occurred to me. It's like saying, "Hey, lets play a joke on our readers!" You're supposed to be building a realistic world; choosing a backwards name is deliberately breaking that realism**. Plus, the resultant names generally sound pretty dumb.

Besides, if you want to play a joke on your readers, at least be a bit more cryptic than backwards words. A rotary or other substitution cipher would be more inventive.

** - Okay, to be fair, I have put a few subtle "in" references in mine, but they're ones that I think would enhance the read if they're caught, not reduce it. For example, the company "Aoihi": it's name is Japanese for "Blue Sun", which is a tribute to the Blue Sun Corporation in Firefly. Of course, to catch it, you'd need to know Japanese and be a Firefly fan. ;)

Anonymous said...

Area 51 is a location, not an organization.

Salim Ahshaitan is a slightly better name for the antichrist than Nicolai Carpathia. But not much. In Good Omens, the antichrist is named Adam. This works much better--no one notices him until about a week before the Apocalypse.

Anonymous said...

Do demons actually sleep with harmonicas?

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

What's with all the good and evil these days?

Anonymous said...

JTC,

You are a horrible, horrible (pauses to giggle) HORRIBLE person. (snerk)

This is another case of someone reading the backs of books and taking away the wrong things.

Who is your MC? A novel has to be written from SOMEONE's POV, and please tell me it's not Sir's. (There's a reason Tolkien never wrote from Sauron's POV, or even really from Gandalf's--you gotta be able to relate to the character). Likewise for the good old anti-Christ. (You need a PROtagonist, not an ANTagonist.)

As it reads now, you've got more of a text-book than a novel. Start with your main character. Why's he interesting? What sets him apart? Is the guy who's gonna save the world from this Salim dude a drunk? Does he peep at his neighbor's hot 18-year-old daughter? Did he used to call his wife names before the divorce? Does he have trouble relating to his kids? Did he get fired from the police force for brutality?

Then put him into the situation.

See the difference? Here, you're starting with "Since the dawn of time..."

In a decent query, you're starting with something like, "When Dan, a bitter ex-cop fired for brutality, discovers what's really going on at Area 51..."

You tell me, which one makes for a better read?

Anonymous said...

Wow, brutal comments!

I assumed the "Sir" was a line from the book:

"Sir, a seemingly benevolent alien being has captured some of our most powerful military and political organizations...."

...including the famed Area 51, which is not supposed to exist.


Don't give up heart, gentle writer. There's probably a story in there somewhere, you just have to learn how to tell us what it is.

Anonymous said...

Demons do indeed enjoy harmonicas, to listen to as well as to play.
Here is some proof:
http://www.gatewaytoireland.com/mall/MadForTrad/products/product-124314.stm

fjnsatxs: a satanic saxophone

(here's the url broken down in case it doesn't fit well:
http://www.gatewaytoireland.com/mall/
MadForTrad/products/product-124314.stm)

Daisy Bateman said...

Scientist 1: Hey guys, guess what? We just got a DNA sample of an organism that is incontrovertable proof of other life in the universe. Let's try and hybridize it with a human!
Scientist 2: But that's difficult and pointless, not to mention dangerous, since the embryo would have to be implanted in some poor woman to develop.
Scientist 3: Plus, it might be the Antichrist, and we're almost out of funny names. Shouldn't we try it with a rat or something first?
Scientist 1: Shut up! We aren't getting huge government grants to make human-rat hybrids. Sir, the benevolent alien being left his lunch in the fridge. Take it to him, would you?
Sir: Yes, sir.
Scientist 2: Screw this, I'm gonna go do shark/rhino research in Hawaii.

Why does everyone want to tell us what's going on at Area 51, but nobody's writing about Areas 1-50? Or 52-135?

Word verification: shaydk. I think Blogger is getting dirty with us.

Anonymous said...

Hey. Just an honest opinion from an honest guy. -JTC

Anonymous said...

Ok. I have read all the comments.
I am no good at query writing.
However, I have changed some things in my book since I first submitted the query.
I also had a serendipitous experience, and actually have a publisher interested in the novel. Go figure.
Of course, she did NOT read the stinky query.
I have a lot to learn about query writing, I will admit.
I also took out Area 51 in the equation.
I am open to name changes -- IF -- my editor deems it necessary.
Thank you for all your comments,even though some of them were rather brutish. I still found some value, even in those.