Face-Lift 79

Guess the Plot

Shadow Walk

1. Little Bo Peep loses part of her flock in Death Valley. She takes her staff on an epic stroll to find them, comforted by Rod, a Basque sheep whisperer.

2. If light can not reach it, Brandon can hide in it, no matter how small the shadow. As a shadow-walker, Brandon explores the shady secrets of upper class New York--until he falls in love with a transparent heiress.

3. Orpheus Rosencranz must save his girlfriend from eternal damnation by lulling demons to sleep with his harmonica.

4. A cloning experiment in Area 51 creates a hybrid of a human and an alien, a hybrid that proves to be . . . the Antichrist!

5. When dancer Coco Osborne unexpectedly becomes a zombie, she's discouraged by her newfound stiffness. She invents a dance for zombies--the Shadow Walk--that takes the nation by storm. Will zombies finally be accepted?

6. On February 2nd, a family of groundhogs organize a 2k walk to raise money for their mother’s much needed gastric bypass surgery.


Original Version

Dear:

Since the dawn of man, war has raged in the conflict between good and evil. [It's not like there were countries at the dawn of man; there weren't even enough people to choose sides.] [Only later, when men had reached a higher level of intelligence, did the idea of wiping each other out en masse occur to them.]

Sir, a seemingly benevolent alien being, has captured some of our most powerful military and political organizations, [Yes but what's the name of this alien being? Oh, and no need to call Evil Editor "Sir."] especially the famed Area 51, which is not supposed to exist.

What really goes on there? [Didn't you ever watch Roswell? No, neither did I; it was on WB.]

Shadow Walk provides a chilling tour into the secretive experiments at Area 51, and its subsidiary, The Institute, located at the Dulce Base in New Mexico.

The Institute's goal is to combine the so-called, alien and human DNA, [So-called? Meaning what?] and clone a hybrid with an unlimited life span.

The Institute launches their only successful Hybrid, Salim Ahshatan, [Who was in charge of naming it? A fantasy author?] into power, rule and the beginning of the Great 7 year Tribulation. The Antichrist has risen.

I have completed Shadow Walk and would like to have you represent me in selling this and my other works-in-progress. I am interested in your evaluation of its commercial potential and any recommendations that you might have on how to make it a better book. [I have a hunch there's nothing you could do to this book that wouldn't make it better, but my favorite suggestion would be to skip the alien/human hybrid, which has been done to death, and do a shark/rhinoceros hybrid.] [Rhino body, shark head, but with horn.] [And fish tail.]

Thank you very much for your time and attention. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

This is not a query letter. It's an outline. It's a list of the topic sentences of your synopsis. It's how the robot on Lost in Space would respond if you read it your book and then asked it to summarize it. Except that at the point where you say, The Antichrist has risen, the robot would flail its arms and say "Danger, Will Robinson, Danger." It's hopeless.

You're not being judged on your plot alone, you're being judged on your writing ability. The agent is going to think your entire book is a series of one-sentence paragraphs with no cohesion, no flow, no life. You need to read every query letter in this blog, and hope a light bulb comes on over your head. Then start over from scratch.