Sunday, June 18, 2006

Face-Lift 72


Guess the Plot

The Dragon and the Butterfly

1. Tale of an evil empress and the sheltered backwoods girl who tries to "clip her wings."

2. A hardheaded society matron's life is transformed by her new hairdresser's serendipitous advice.

3. An envious young dragon with small wings stalks a carefree butterfly, intent on learning her secret for such an impressive wingspan.

4. Crunch!

5. The story of hermaphrodite Giselle Jones: by day, an up-and-coming heavyweight kickboxer; by night, a world-renowned ballerina.

6. A former heroin addict inherits a tattoo parlor and a Cambodian love slave named Jade from a long lost uncle.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

There are three things to know about Vranion, the imperial capital:

1) Don't go out after dark. Either the soldiers will execute you for breaking curfew, or the things that inspired the curfew will do something worse. [Vague. Intentionally vague, perhaps, but don't make it sound so vague by saying "things" will do "something."]

2) The underlife are strictly professional: name your job, they'll name the price. Don't try to ask the authorities to stop them. [If I've named my job, and they've named their price, why would I ask anyone to stop them? A deal's a deal.] They hire underlife too; it's the best way around all those pesky laws.

3) The empress doesn't have a sense of humor. Don't ask about the missing nobles, don't ask about her flock of dazed followers, and whatever you do, don't ask about that strange cavern recently discovered beneath her palace. [Suddenly Evil Editor feels an overwhelming compulsion to ask about all three of these things, and especially the cavern.]

When Nianne's noble fiance goes missing everyone believes she has been jilted, but her nightmares tell a different story -- he's trapped, suffering, and calling out to her -- and she risks everything to travel to the capital of the empire to look for him. [Didn't anyone tell her about 3-a: Don't ask about the missing nobles?]

Nianne is a sheltered backwoods girl, though, [How does a backwoods girl end up engaged to a noble? And why is she still living in the backwoods, if she's engaged to a noble?] and Vranion is corrupt, exotic, and deadly. She gets caught out after curfew, [Didn't anyone tell her about 1-a, The soldiers will execute you for breaking curfew?] captured by underlife, [2, or possibly 1-b.] lost in a strange cavern, [3-c.] [There are only three things to know about Vranion, and she can't remember any of them?] and involved in a plot to assassinate the empress. [Hmm. Apparently there's a fourth thing to know about Vranion: Don't assassinate the Empress.]

Then things start to get complicated.

THE DRAGON AND THE BUTTERFLY is a completed 120k word fantasy novel. May I send you more material for consideration?

Thank you,


Revised Version

Dear Evil Editor,

There are three things to know about Vranion, the Imperial Capital:

1) Don't go out after dark. Either the soldiers will execute you for breaking curfew . . . or you'll wish they had.

2) The underlife are strictly professional: name any job, they'll name the price. The authorities wouldn't stop them if they could; they hire underlife too. (It's the best way around all those pesky laws.)

3) The Empress has no tolerance for meddlers. Don't ask about the missing nobles, don't ask about her flock of dazed followers, and whatever you do, don't ask about the cavern beneath her palace.

When Nianne's noble fiancé Niandy goes missing, everyone believes she has been jilted. Her nightmares tell a different story, however: he's trapped, suffering, and calling to her.

Nianne sets out for the capital, willing to risk her life to rescue Niandy. But she is a sheltered backwoods girl, and Vranion is corrupt, exotic, and deadly. In over her head, Nianne gets caught out after curfew, captured by underlife, and involved in a plot to assassinate the Empress.

Then things really start to get complicated.

THE DRAGON AND THE BUTTERFLY is a completed 120k word fantasy novel. May I send you more material for consideration?

Thank you,

15 comments:

Brenda said...

I don't even read fantasy and this sounds interesting to me.

Anonymous said...

Nianne and Niandy? No wonder they call you evil.

Anonymous said...

Oooh! This sounds good. I want, I want!! But I do wonder about how it's possible for them to be engaged, and perhaps the reason she's still living in innocence.

Laurel Amberdine said...

Hee hee hee. :) Thanks EE, you're the best. "Niandy" ...! I'm dying.

McKoala said...

# 4 again - love it. And Niandy too!

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful query, both before and after. I would totally buy this book!

Anonymous said...

I'd buy this book too.

PJD said...

I really like guess #4, "Crunch!" I believe it must have been inspired by the old film short, "Bambi Meets Godzilla."

My only comments on the query are that (1) I agree with EE that I immediately wanted to know more about that cavern, and (2) EE's suggested rewrite for #1 left me thinking that the soldiers were the only dangerous thing out there, and that if they didn't kill you THEY would do something more awful to you, not "things" that caused the curfew to begin with. So, though I like EE's trimmed version, that first item may not have hit quite the original mark.

Anonymous said...

This sounds interesting--particularly with the sense of humor in the query. I'd pick it up.

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

I like this query. If my opinion matters to anyone.

Question for EE -- is ... "goes missing" a proper phrase for when some disappears? I always have a problem with that.

Also when people stand "on line" at the grocery store. But I think that's an east coast thing, and in that case, it would be people standing "on line at the food store."

Whatever. I'll go to bed now.

Anonymous said...

At least the character's names aren't that annoying. Like Brenda, I usually do not read fantasy, but this sounds interesting -at least a little.
-JTC
Now if I could just get Heart's "The Dog and the Butterfly" out of my head.

Rei said...

Ooh, fantasy that's not overly cliche? :) That's a nice change around here.

Anonymous said...

Not overly cliche?

Evil queen.

Hypnotized, enslaved minions.

Naive heroine.

Corrupt and exotic city.

Assasination plot.

And the obligatory dungeon.

Personally, I love cliches (technically, any book with a manly hero or spunky heroine has at least one), and this book sounds like something I'd enjoy. It's not that the cliche is there--it's all in how it's treated.

And the only books that are truly cliche-free are bizarre, experimental crap that makes my eyes glaze over.

Anonymous said...

This is my favourite query so far (out of the ones we've seen here). Would definitely buy it if it was on Amazon with that description (though the tidied up version is better).

_*rachel*_ said...

I sure hope you can write novels well, too; I want to read this now. The not-asking made me want to ask. (and I heart #4)