Why you don't get published.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Face-Lift 82
Guess the Plot
Angels at Almack's
1. The Los Angeles baseball team comes unraveled in a scheme to discover which of them first caught herpes and spread it to the rest of the team via infected vaseline. When suspicions center on the rookie pitcher from Sepulveda, things take a turn toward the macabre.
2. Charlie retires and opens up a greasy spoon on I-85. When a band of highwaymen make off with the diner's safe, they get more than they bargained for.
3. While shooting for a Victoria's Secret catalogue at the site of the legendary Almack's, cover model Vianna channels the outraged spirit of an infamous 19th century courtesan who'd been banned from the tonny establishment.
4. Lady Sally Jersey thought she was issuing the Almack's voucher to Miss Jane Peabody. Turned out it was Janet Peabody, a common housemaid. Will Lady Sally ever live it down?
5. A cadre of young financiers anger King George III by secretly providing seed funding to businesses friendly to France.
6. A cherub named Nimba tries to bring the Lord of Blackmoor and Princess Adina Verbena together. But is true love worth destroying the future of Great Britain?
Original Version
Dear Agent:
I seek representation for my paranormal historical, Angels at Almack’s, a 100,000 word romance set in Regency England and the Highlands of Scotland.
Highland laird Rannoch MacQuaide, Lord of Blackmoor, needs a noble English wife to further his political goals and ensure Scotland’s return to prosperity. Maltese princess Adina Verbena needs a strong, dependable husband, free of religious fanaticism, to protect her from the evil forces that caused her to flee to England. The Lord of Blackmoor is more than Adina could have hoped for. Adina is everything to Blackmoor except the one thing he needs. Their hearts are determined, as is the cherub tasked with bringing them together. When the evil that has followed Adina from Malta descends upon London to hunt her down and cause political disaster for Britain, even a cherub’s intercession looks hopeless. With the future of Britain hanging in the balance, Adina and Blackmoor face the most difficult decision of their lives: sacrifice love to attain their goals and protect Britain, or succumb to love, but lose everything that matters. [It's the same decision as in Casablanca. Except Rick and Ilsa didn't have a Cherub trying to talk them into the selfish decision.]
My novel incorporates the endearing qualities of some of the bestsellers in fiction today. [Here we go. And this was going so well.] Nimba, a whimsical cherub, provides insight into the complex lives of the characters, reminiscent of [Puck in Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream, and] Julia Quinn’s Whistledown Series. Paranormal forces affecting human lives offer a bit of the fantasy of [Tolkien's Lord of the Rings series and] Karen Marie Moning’s fairy world Highlander series, mixed with the excitement of [an Indiana Jones movie or] a Frank Peretti novel [I always say, if you're going to compare your work to others, you may as well go with the best, because the editor isn't going to believe you one way or the other.] (minus the affiliation with any one organized religion). Angels at Almack’s delivers a sensual, intelligent hero and a strong-willed, exotic heroine who experience a lasting and passionate love together.
I have recently finaled in two writing contests with a previous manuscript. In addition, a good part of my professional life has been devoted to writing promotional copy, public relations articles, script and speeches for the Fortune500 Company where I work. I received a degree from American University in Communications.
I have enclosed an SASE for your reply.
Revised Version
I seek representation for my paranormal historical, Angels at Almack’s, a 100,000-word romance set in Regency England and the Highlands of Scotland.
RANNOCH MACQUAIDE, LORD OF BLACKMOOR knows that the fastest way a common Scotsman can penetrate London’s influential social circles, and bring about positive change for Scotland through political influence, is to marry the daughter of an English peer. Failing is not an option, as he’s already sold out to England, a country his forefathers died fighting against. Blackmoor’s efforts to achieve his goal include forsaking his family's Catholic Jacobite past, purchasing a home in London, and obtaining a voucher to Almack's so that he might begin his search for a proper English wife.
NIMBA, an embodied cherub, is assigned to matters of the heart. Appearing as an Almack’s patroness, Nimba issues vouchers to her assigned couple—two persons who might not otherwise have been afforded entry to the exclusive establishment: The Lord of Blackmoor and Malta’s Principessa Adina of the royal House of Verbena. Princess Adina Verbena needs a strong, dependable husband to protect her from the evil forces that followed her to England, intent on hunting her down and causing political disaster for Britain.
Adina is everything Blackmoor could want in a wife, but not what he needs to ensure Scotland’s return to prosperity. He's fallen in love, however. With the future of Britain hanging in the balance, Adina and Blackmoor face the most difficult decision of their lives: sacrifice love to protect Britain, or succumb to love, but lose everything that matters.
Angels at Almack’s delivers a sensual, intelligent hero and a strong-willed, exotic heroine who experience a lasting and passionate love together.
I have recently finaled in two writing contests with a previous manuscript. In addition, a good part of my professional life has been devoted to writing promotional copy, public relations articles, and speeches for the Fortune 500 company where I work.
I have enclosed an SASE for your reply.
Notes
Evil Editor had access to the author's synopsis (which isn't part of the deal, so don't start sending synopses), and noticed that the start of the synopsis described the situation more clearly than the query did. He also stole a few points from the synopsis, feeling additional information was more valuable than comparisons to other writers.
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26 comments:
If this is meant to be taken seriously, even though there is angelic meddling, may I pray the Author to NOT name her heroine "Adina Verbena"? PuhLEESE?? Say "Adina Verbena" aloud a couple of times to understand why this name is a bad idea.
This is one of the few submissions that actually feels like a real, cohesive novel. I personally don't even read/like paranormal romance.
Now I wonder if what I think is true, or if the query is great but the novel is real crap.
I wish I could find out! Oh well...
So, the deus ex machina is a deus?
Quaint.
Thank you, Evil Editor. You rock.
"...or if the query is great but the novel is real crap."
As the author, I'd like the answer to that question too, and seek it in shopping the manuscript. A partial is currently in the hands of one agent.
I actually deplore the idea of comparing myself to another author, and felt strongly that doing so would result in a "You are no Charles Dickens" (as an extreme example of who I am not like). So, I succumbed to the encouragement of *things* I read and compared components of my novel to other popular fiction, since I'm not like any of those authors I mentioned. I am actually quite glad EE pointed out the frivolousness of this marketing ploy. I will remove it.
No one in the novel says Adina Verbeena a couple times over. In my novel, Verbena is pronounced Ver-bane-uh. Should an editor ask me to change it, I will.
I thank EE, who is generously providing a service to aspiring authors that some published authors pay $$$$ for. I am delighted that EE liked my synopsis (which took me three days to write--a record for me), and query, up till my foolhardy comparisons.
Bernita,
I had considered that the angel in my story might be perceived as a deux ex machina, and had to evaluate the possibility myself. I have, in some respects, given over to the popularity of paranormals, but only when the character spoke so strongly to me. My opening scene presented an angel in the midst of the patronesses of Almack's, and she wouldn't let me tell the story without her.
Author: I'm from Middle-Of-Nowhere, PA, and just down the road there's a two-pump gas station and general store called, you guessed it, Almack's. I just thought you'd find it funny that my impression of the story was way, way different than it actually turned out. :)
this looks interesting and well thought-out.
but I'm going to have to chime in on the names. No matter how they're pronounced in the book, all I could think when I saw Adina Verbena was "Amelia Bedelia."
I was singing the old ditty:
Adina-dina-Verbena-Banana-fana-fo-fina...
In my novel, Verbena is pronounced Ver-bane-uh.
Keep in mind that readers use their own judgement in pronounciation of unfamiliar names.
LOL on 'Amelia Bedelia'. When I hear 'Verbena' all I can think of is Jimmy Stewart's batty sister in "Harvey". And 'Nimba' sounds too much like something from that TV show 'Daktari' (okay, I'm dating myself). The names definitely need help.
Please don't use "task" as a verb. It's a noun. Why not "charged"?
Please don't use "task" as a verb.
Actually, it is an intransitive verb (meaning to assign a task), and can also be used idiomatically as in to censure or reprimand.
While the usage may be termed obsolete, Anonymous, "task" is also verb.
Keep in mind that readers use their own judgement in pronounciation of unfamiliar names.
It's familiar to gardeners, readers of Gone With the Wind, foodies, etc...verbena is a plant. Spelled verbena, pronounced verbena. I really doubt that, unless you have a line explaining the pronunciation early on, author, anyone but you will read iy as "verbaina".
So the name's really pronounced Adaina Verbaina?
"1. The Los Angeles baseball team comes unraveled in a scheme to discover which of them first caught herpes and spread it to the rest of the team via infected vaseline. When suspicions center on the rookie pitcher from Sepulveda, things take a turn toward the macabre."
Oh. My. God. I laughed until I cried over this one!
M.C.
Your angel isn't deus ex machina because it's an integral part of the story. Deus ex machina is when the gods (or cavalry or whoever) show up out of nowhere and save the day.
Linda
"ensure Scotland’s return to prosperity" -- sorry, I missed a turn. When (before the Regency) was Scotland prosperous? Not totally starving, yes, but rolling in weath?
"Failing is not an option, as he’s already sold out to England, a country his forefathers died fighting against. Blackmoor’s efforts to achieve his goal include forsaking his family's Catholic Jacobite past ... " -- maybe not the heroic qualities one wants to put in a query letter.
I might point out that in the post-Greek world, the phrase has come to mean any forced or improbable device with which a hard-pressed author makes shift to resolve his plot.
In Greek tragedies the gods were always present, if invisible, until called upon.
They weren't really aliens arriving in chapter 12.
I have no idea whether this story was resolved by the integral angel or not.
The comment was made lightly and certainly not critically.
Gay Gavriel Kay, one could argue as an example, employs the deus as a machina brilliantly.
Anonymous--
A Scottish vs. English mentality is at play here, obviously. The Scots believe they have a kind of wealth the English can never approach.
If you don't believe my grandparents on this issue, read How the Scots Invented the Modern World.
Bernita,
The angel does not resolve the conflict. She's a bit of a bumbler, actually. In fact, the angel relies on the cunning of the hero and the self-sacrifice of the heroine to save the day, so to speak (actually learning from these crazy humans). It is a romance above all things.
To anonymous-- I realize that IF I sell this story, it may not do well in England, specifically due to my Scottish sensibilities. Well, they like the naughty parts (my bad). I am, however, counting on those Scottish sensibilites to write a compelling historical novel about a fascinating culture, which is quite different than their neighbors to the south.
Not Adaina Verbaina...Adeena Verbaina, and the pronunciation is addressed early on in an organic way. I think it has a ring to it, but am getting the idea I need to change it.
Blackmoor is the name of the man's estate. Scots are lords of their land and my hero's land is aptly named to my way of thinking. I'd like to dub him Otter Moor or Otter Loch (Ottermoor, Otterloch) but don't know how to say otter in Gaelic :o)>
Dobharcu - pronounced: DOE ur choo - means "otter".
Easy as Google:
http://www.namenerds.com/scottish/gaelicguy.html
iarebka: the angel's new name :O!!
Scotland, a land rich in many things, none of which translate into actual cash (that we get to keep).
Blackmoor jumped out at me too, I'm afraid.
McKoala, don't be afraid!
I'm getting the idea I need to change the names.
"Adina Verbena" got the "Chiquita banana" jingle stuck in my head.
Hi, Aspiring Author -- I know you're fond of the names you chose, and hear them a certain way in your head. But the less work the reader has to do to like your book, the better. Asking the reader to remember nonstandard pronunciations of words comes under the heading of work. Make it easy for them to want to shell out their hard-earned lucre for your book, and not the one next to it in Barnes & Noble.
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