Why you don't get published.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Face-Lift 65
Guess the Plot
Higher Power
1. Sparks fly when a woman who needs 220 for her new electric dryer meets an electrician with more amps than she bargained for.
2. Mr. Scott tries to convince Captain Kirk to trade the Enterprise in for the turbo model.
3. When a blackout plunges the northeastern U.S. into darkness, only mutant superhero The Owl stands between looters and their booty.
4. In post-hurricane Florida, wealthy misanthrope Howard Solus corners the market on generators. You want one? Bow down and worship supreme godhead Howard Solus!
5. Max Caldwell uses his dream manipulation powers to convince a coma victim that she has her ideal fantasy job: aquarium executive.
6. Pumpkin James, marijuana expert and slacker extraordinaire becomes über lord of an alternate universe after creating a bong from a magic apple that is a time portal in disguise.
Original Version
While other people say they would move heaven and earth to save a lover, in HIGHER POWER, Max Caldwell actually does.
Max possesses the ability to manipulate dreams, which has caused him nothing but trouble so far. [Trivial, comical trouble?] Misusing this power killed his parents twenty years ago [Nope, big trouble.] and then landed him in a mental asylum. Now back on the outside, [having dreamed all the security personnel and medical staff to death,] Max swears not to use his power again. [I swear, on my mother's grave--the one I put her in--that I will NEVER use this power again.] But [fifteen minutes later] when he stumbles into the hospital room of a coma patient named Sarah Gladstone and witnesses her violent nightmares, he forgets all about his promise.
Day after day he sits at her bedside, even though she doesn't know he’s there. [Maybe she does know. Maybe she's thinking, Who the hell is this clown? If only I could push the call button and get security in here.] Inside her mind, he designs a fairy tale life for her. He appoints her director of the aquarium she works for, [This is what you meant by he actually moves heaven and earth--he tricks an aquarium worker into believing she's been promoted?] [If Max ever decides to design a fairy tale life for Evil Editor, I want a billion dollars, a Ferrari, a palace, and Sandra Bullock. Not some crappy job running a zoo for fish.] gives her a big house in an expensive neighborhood, and even resurrects her dead parents and brother. [Big mistake. In-law free is the way to go.] By all rights she should be happy, [except for the part where her parents and brother are now zombies.] [It's amazing how often zombies find their way into these queries.] except she doesn't have a Prince Charming with whom to share her joy. [No problem, he can give her Brad Pitt, Hugh Grant, Antonio Banderas, Evil Editor . . . wonder which one he'll choose.] To give Sarah—and himself—a happy ending, Max has to overcome the guilt of killing his parents and stop hiding from the woman he loves. [That's who he comes up with as her Prince Charming? Himself?] [So, Sleeping Beauty wakes up from her coma, and this complete stranger is sitting there:
Complete Stranger: Hi, I'm Max.
Sarah: Where am I?
Max: Hospital. You've been in a coma.
Sarah: Who are you?
Max: I just got out of the mental ward, and I happened to--
Sarah: Where's the call bell? Get the doctor.
Max: I will, but first, I've got some bad news and some good news.
Sarah: What's the bad news?
Max: Not only did you not get promoted, you lost your job because you haven't shown up in a month. And you're back living in the trailer. Also, your parents? They're dead again. So are mine, by the way, ever since I murdered them, but I'm over the guilt.
Sarah: What's the good news?
Max: I'm in love with you.]
The complete 70,000-word manuscript is available upon request. Thanks for your consideration.
Revised Version
Max Caldwell possesses the ability to manipulate dreams, which has brought him nothing but pain. Misusing his power caused the deaths of his parents twenty years ago and then landed him in a mental ward. Now back on the outside, Max swears not to use his power again. But when he happens past the hospital room of a coma patient named Sarah Gladstone and witnesses her violent nightmares, he forgets all about his vow.
Day after day Max returns to Sarah's bedside, designing a fairy tale life within her mind. He appoints her director of the aquarium she works for, gives her a big house in an expensive neighborhood, brings back her dead parents and brother . . . and falls in love with her.
By all rights, Sarah should be happy. But she doesn't have a Prince Charming, someone with whom to share her joy. To give Sarah—and himself—a happy ending, Max must overcome his guilt and stop hiding from the woman he loves.
My novel, Higher Power, is complete at 70,000 words, and available upon request. Thanks for your consideration.
Notes
If there's a way to work in an explanation of how manipulating his parents' dreams killed them, I'm sure the minions would like to hear it.
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26 comments:
[geek]When a blackout plunges the northeastern U.S. into darkness, only mutant superhero The Owl stands between looters and their booty.
The Owl is actually a Marvel villain, EE. But of course, you knew that.
[/geek]
How is Max hiding? Isn't he putting himself in her dreams as her Prince Charming?
Intriguing concept, but I think the "hiding" part seems a little off. Maybe "stop tricking/manipulating her" instead? You know the story, so you know what fits, but I think hiding his true purpose is what he's actually doing, not hiding himself. (I assume that because I can't imagine the whole book is lonely Sara feeding her fish, and that Max inserts himself into the dreamworld fairly early on.)
Was I the only one who threw up her hands and went, 'Aww, man!' when it turned out not to be the Howard Solus story? I wanted to read that one.
Read Urusula K LeGuin's "The Lathe of Heaven". George Orr is a man whose dreams change reality for everyone around him.
A classic speculative fiction book, it was turned into a PBS movie about 25 years ago. A rare case where a movie is as good as the novel, IMHO. A more recent remake was not as successful.
Definitely intriguing. I want to know the end. This means when your book is published, query-writer, I will buy it, because I must know the answer. Don't change the title so I can find it. :-)
And I would read the Pumpkin James story. Actually, I think I want to steal that name. Whose is it? Can I have it? Rhutabega George just doesn't have the same ring...
tlh, I agree. This concept could fly in the hands of the right person. Say, Stephen King.
"This is what you meant by he actually moves heaven and earth--he tricks an aquarium worker into believing she's been promoted?]"
Well, recreating the universe in someone's head and inventing passable facsimilies for dead relatives you've never met (sorry, no zombies here) is a wee bit more complicated than your uncle producing a quarter from behind your ear.
But that hits the nail on the head for how hard it's been trying to summarize this concept into something less than a page, which seems to lead people to make all sorts of wrong and weird conclusions. I don't see any way getting around it unless I hold a Q&A with prospective agents/editors.
Does he ressurect her dead parents only in her mind? Can he bring his own parents back to relieve him of his own guilt? When she comes out of this coma, is she really calling the shots at the dolphin show, or is this just in her dream?
This query does sound interesting to me; obviously I want to know more.
And EE, you tell us minions a lot by admitting you're hot for Sandra.
Is it just me, or is the book's title missing from the revised query? If the author were to cut and paste this into his letter, he'd risk making the biggest query blunder of all time (short of leaving off his own name).
It's just you . . . now. Thanks. As to whether this would be the biggest query blunder of all time, Evil Editor invites his minions to submit their ideas of the greatest blunders ever (whether you committed them or not). EE will compile them into one post.
Does Sara wake up?
And if she does, wouldn't she be pissed? I mean, if he wants to ease her nightmares, sure, sent her dreams of Jude Law or something, not her dead parents! Or is she aware that she's dreaming? If that's the case, this doesn't sound so weird.
I don't get the whole "hiding" thing, either. It's a neat concept, and I'd probably give it a go if a glance inside told me the writing was good, but you just need to make things more clear in the query. I know how tough that is, but...
And that whole Pumpkin James novel needs to be written. If one of you doesn't want it, maybe I'll give it a go!
"I mean, if he wants to ease her nightmares, sure, sent her dreams of Jude Law or something"
This illustrates a big part of the problem. Y'all--including EE--are thinking about that too superficially. First off, a blind man who lost his sight 25 years ago and has been in an institution for 20 years would have no concept of who Jude Law, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, etc. are; he'd have never seen them or heard of any of their movies.
OK, but let's say somehow he does manage to fabricate a reaonable approximation of Jude Law. The problem is basically he's a one-dimensional cutout. (I'm sure that would be enough for some of you, hardy har har...) Getting this one-dimensional creation to have personality and--more importantly--a personality that doesn't turn Sarah off is the tricky part.
As for Sarah waking up, she does but I won't give away what happens.
As for the "hiding" this is another poorly-described concept. Sarah can't see Max in her dreams unless he wants to be seen. Everything he does is behind the scenes, thus he is hiding from her.
I really don't see any way to communicate all this stuff without create a bulky, unwieldly query no one will want to read anyway. It's all damned if you do and damned if you don't as far as I can see.
BTW, I'm really disappointed none of the minions came up with an idea involving religion. The pot one I saw coming, but I thought someone would have one involving religion. Best of both worlds would be to have a priest getting high on weed after a blackout. Yuk, yuk, yuk...
As one who can manipulate her own dreams, I'm very interested in this and would definitely pick it up at the store! Lucid dreaming - sometimes a fabulous thing, sometimes very frightening.
As for the "hiding" this is another poorly-described concept. Sarah can't see Max in her dreams unless he wants to be seen. Everything he does is behind the scenes, thus he is hiding from her.
I see. I'm sorry, I thought it was a romance, which would mean the two characters would need to interact. Looking at the query again I see you did not say it's a romance, in which case never mind.
Wait, did you say blind? Was that in the query letter?
I would read the Pumpkin James book.
As for biggest query mistakes ever: in my very first query letter, I compared my book to The Phantom Tollbooth...and spelled it "Toolbooth."
-A, who still can't believe she did that
Hi anonymous query-writer of cool dream concept. You've put in two or three explanations of what the EE or us minions are not getting, which is cool. Just remember (as you probably already do) to take the next step and see if you can change your query letter so that intelligent folk do get it. People seem to be very excited about the concept, so it would be a shame for an agent or editor to reject it because they too don't get something. So keep working at the query letter to minimize all this stuff as much as you can. It's good to see the confusion now, when it means nothing, instead of only after query letter 43. Good luck!
Smackwater Jack--Holy crap that's good!
This one has called me out of lurking. I have to say, I have no problem with the "hiding" part, I don't think it needs more explanation. Obviously if you were going to go poking about in some stranger's dreams, you would be a bit shy about it.
And I have no problem with her waking up, realizing sadly that it was all a lovely dream... and perhaps discovering the strangely familiar hospital volunteer that has diligently cared for her for so long....? I can imagine a great scene there.
I don't think he should just "forget" his promise though. Maybe he should struggle with his decision, afraid he might hurt someone else, but in the end decide to try to help her as a chance at using his gift for good / redeeming himself? That's a nice dimension to an inner struggle that would fit right in with what you have.
He's not blind, is he? Do you mean it's just difficult to create a realisitic personality and so he couldn't just fabricate whole people, just situations and worlds?
I think it's very intriguing, don't give up hope!
"He's not blind, is he? Do you mean it's just difficult to create a realisitic personality and so he couldn't just fabricate whole people, just situations and worlds?"
No, I mean he's blind. As in a bat. I must have taken that for granted and forgotten to mention it.
Do you think this is any better?
Max Caldwell is the man of Sarah Gladstone’s dreams. Having gained the power to see and manipulate dreams when he went blind, Max is the only one who can see the violent nightmares ravaging Sarah’s mind as she lays in a coma. He becomes determined to save this beautiful, tormented woman by any means necessary.
He embarks on a radical plan to trick her unconscious mind into believing it’s awake by recreating the real world in her dreams. But when he uncovers the tragic deaths of her brother and parents and the subsequent alcoholism that led to her coma, he decides to make a few improvements for her dream life. In her new life she’s a powerful executive at the aquarium where she works, lives in a spacious mansion, and finds her brother and parents alive and well.
Despite all Max’s efforts, a hole still exists in Sarah’s life. She wants someone to share her life with, but Max’s attempts to provide her a companion all fall short. He finds while saving her from a car accident that the only person who can make her happy is himself. But soon events in the outside world threaten to destroy their newfound love.
The complete 70,000-word manuscript is available upon request. Thanks for your consideration.
Change that "lays" to "lies," and consider the minions' suggestions when they arrive, but content-wise this is a vast improvement.
Much improved. :)
[quote]In her new life she’s[/quote]
Comma after "life".
[quote]and the subsequent alcoholism that led to her coma[/quote]
How'd that happen? Did she binge so severely that her heart stopped and she got brain damaged before being rescuscitated? If so, that'd be the binge that led to brain damage, not alcoholism.
[quote]He finds while saving her from a car accident that the only person who can make her happy is himself[/quote]
A coma victim got into a car accident? Is this a hospital on wheels or something?
"while saving her from a car accident" should be set off with commas.
[quote]But soon events in the outside world threaten to destroy their newfound love.[/quote]
Setting "soon" off would help as well.
[quote]the only person who can make her happy is himself[/quote]
Passive.
I was thrown by the part where he saves her from a car accident too. I presume that this is an event that happens in the dream world Max creates for her, but you may want to clarify slightly--it was confusing at first.
This version is much better. It would definitely pique my interest.
I have to say that I am really intrigued by the concept and would love to read this book. One thing that was not clear is how Max knows the coma girl? Does he know her, just happens upon her randomly in a hospital, was the reason for her coma, what? Just need that little bit of info to explain why Max gives a crap about Sara and I'm totally hooked. If I were an agent I'd be asking for the full... By the way, I'm not an agent, but can I read the full? Pretty please? I can't sleep until I know what happens to Max and Sara!!!!!!
I want to know what are the forces in the outside world threatening their love. Is he losing his job and therefore access to her? Do they want to turn off her life support and he's trying to nudge her awake? Just kind of an indication of the how the real world Max is living in is impacting on the dream world he's created for Sarah. I'm assuming the story would weave between the two so that would help flesh out the story in the query.
Although I do acknoweldge how hard this is to do in a query. I've gone through the Evil Editor query critique and know how hard it is to get across a story that you know inside out.
I also agree with the suggestion that the car accident needs to be clarified. It suggests that he's losing control of the dream world he's created and this would add another layer to the story.
I also just have one more nitpicky thing. If he's blind he wouldn't know that she's beautiful. Maybe just change that he's drawn to her because of her tormented soul and his guilt. I guess he'd find out she's beautiful when he went into her mind, but at first he'd be attracted to something else about her.
Congrats dear writer. You've used all the criticism to write a much better query letter. I wish you the best of luck with submitting.
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